Aquarius man cancelling dates
This topic was created in the Aquarius forum by ex2mommy on Saturday, April 12, 2014 and has 58 replies.
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I have read so many posts that say they do this when they like you...and mine is again.
If any of you have had experience with this...how did you stop it without pushing him??? We have " been together a year".
Mine is a homebody...how do you get them to go out??
We have been on a pretty good role..help please
If any of you have had experience with this...how did you stop it without pushing him??? We have " been together a year".
Mine is a homebody...how do you get them to go out??
We have been on a pretty good role..help please
As an Aqua female I've never heard this before, when I cancel, I'm bored, not mentally stimulated..
Cancelling dates is never a good thing/sign no matter the astrological sign. When I really like someone I'm always around them.
Cancelling dates is never a good thing/sign no matter the astrological sign. When I really like someone I'm always around them.
I am am Aquarius female too...I have done it more so with meetings and obligations here and there..but not a date. Unless I wasn't into the guy.
But we talk all of the time. If he wasn't interested why would he want to talk and hang out.
But we talk all of the time. If he wasn't interested why would he want to talk and hang out.
Men are men, try using less of your energy trying to figure out why, it's exhausting and unnecessary.
Most importantly LISTEN to what his passive behavior is saying to you. How does his cancelling on you make you feel?
If he's cancelling dates, and he's cancelled more than 3 times on you, then you have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you. Is it a deal breaker?
I can't categorized every Aquarius female but a lot of us tend to let stuff slide, we stick around longer than we should because we like to analyze everything.
It's not what he's doing. It's more about what you're willing to put up with. If it bothers you then you'll have to find a delicate way of telling him to stop wasting your time or sincerely move on.
Most importantly LISTEN to what his passive behavior is saying to you. How does his cancelling on you make you feel?
If he's cancelling dates, and he's cancelled more than 3 times on you, then you have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you. Is it a deal breaker?
I can't categorized every Aquarius female but a lot of us tend to let stuff slide, we stick around longer than we should because we like to analyze everything.
It's not what he's doing. It's more about what you're willing to put up with. If it bothers you then you'll have to find a delicate way of telling him to stop wasting your time or sincerely move on.
I am infamous for standing people up and skipping appointments. I do this because I am not interested in going to appointment and date-person is playing 2nd/3rd or even 4th fiddle to something shinier OR he/she said something that made me think twice about them as a person at which point I will back off and see if it was a temporary human flaw or something permanent.
I know.. its confusing. Its been a year...if we were just dating I'd be like guess he isn't interested..see ya.
I have read so much advice and they say its when they start to fall in love or like you too much that this happens. We do get along really well...chemistry through the roof...on the phone or text...and even when we are together.
I just don't know how to stop it....without being pushy and demanding...because we hate that.
I have read so much advice and they say its when they start to fall in love or like you too much that this happens. We do get along really well...chemistry through the roof...on the phone or text...and even when we are together.
I just don't know how to stop it....without being pushy and demanding...because we hate that.
If i'm falling in love with someone in the first stage (3-7 months) well depending if their lovable only happened once i'll skip 3 dates by the next time i'd be ready to talk about whats going on and express my feelings. If I cancel a few dates I'm not interested, don't have time, or being stubborn.
I dunno, I've never read that kind of information about Aqua males and I've been on DXP for 4/5 years maybe longer and never heard that an Aqua male will back off this way.
I think you're grabbing for something to give you a reason to stick it out with him. On a human level If I were you I wouldn't stick around for the shitty behavior. There are so many men in the world who won't stand a woman up.
If you tolerate being stood up then you are setting a poor standard that will not discontinue because you want it to.
If you want to know why he's cancelling, ask him, he'll either bullshit you some more which will give you an opportunity to move on or he'll actually tell you the truth.
Before you go in on this kind of communication, make sure he's open for this kind of conversation, a sure way to know is when he's the one initiating communication, when he initiates then he's mostly open to communicate his fears/ideas/desires or lack thereof to you.
Personally you should just take the hint and stop trying to put a circle in a square hole. If he's not showing up, half ass showing up, only communicating via phone/internet then it's over.
I think you're grabbing for something to give you a reason to stick it out with him. On a human level If I were you I wouldn't stick around for the shitty behavior. There are so many men in the world who won't stand a woman up.
If you tolerate being stood up then you are setting a poor standard that will not discontinue because you want it to.
If you want to know why he's cancelling, ask him, he'll either bullshit you some more which will give you an opportunity to move on or he'll actually tell you the truth.
Before you go in on this kind of communication, make sure he's open for this kind of conversation, a sure way to know is when he's the one initiating communication, when he initiates then he's mostly open to communicate his fears/ideas/desires or lack thereof to you.
Personally you should just take the hint and stop trying to put a circle in a square hole. If he's not showing up, half ass showing up, only communicating via phone/internet then it's over.
I understand...but seriously Google it...not on here..but there are countless sites that refer to this as a common issue with them.
I might consider looking this up, it's interesting...
You want to find a way to not appear intrusive or rude or naggy and pushy, well the truth is you may just come across that way even if you don't mean to, that's if you decide to approach this issue with him.
The cancelling could be his way of slowing things down, slowing you down, putting you on hold to garner frustration from you so you'll give him an easy out by you leaving him first and/or kicking up a fuss about his behavior so he can leave you and have a good reason to leave...So chill, be okay with him slowing down, pace yourself with him, things will go much smoother.
Keep an open mind b/c this could be good or bad but you don't want to make this worse by overreacting.
Whatever the outcome you'll be okay..
You want to find a way to not appear intrusive or rude or naggy and pushy, well the truth is you may just come across that way even if you don't mean to, that's if you decide to approach this issue with him.
The cancelling could be his way of slowing things down, slowing you down, putting you on hold to garner frustration from you so you'll give him an easy out by you leaving him first and/or kicking up a fuss about his behavior so he can leave you and have a good reason to leave...So chill, be okay with him slowing down, pace yourself with him, things will go much smoother.
Keep an open mind b/c this could be good or bad but you don't want to make this worse by overreacting.
Whatever the outcome you'll be okay..
What kind of dates is he cancelling on? Could be he has a financial set back and can't afford to go, yet doesn't want it admit it to you.
Does he reschedule?
Or does he offer an alternative? Like instead of going to the restaurant, lets cook at home instead?
I think it's important to figure out if it's you he's dissing or just the plans. Answering those questions might tell you a lot.
Also, I'd probably be direct and come right out and ask him - in a nice way, of course. No confrontation necessary, just a light, casual mentioning of the problem. Ehhh, but I'm a direct cap and will call people out on thier crap. If you do ask him, you don't have to make him come up with an exact explanation, but the way he acts when you ask will tell you pretty much what you need to know. Just getting the subject on the table and calling attention to it is enough, most of the time. You don't have to push for much of an answer. Then, just sit back and pay attention. If he makes an effort to do better in the future, that will tell how much he respects you and how far he's willing to go to please you.
If you don't let him know it bothers you, he won't know. Some men can be pretty clueless on that aspect. If you play nice and go along, then it will reinforce that you're okay with it. It's always best to speak up from the get go when something bothers you. That's the cap philosophy anyway.
My aqua guy is always okay with me telling him something bothers me and he doesn't get upset with me for speaking up. I think they'd rather have you speak up because it shows you respect yourself and you expect others to respect you as well.
Oh, and for the record, if someone cancels on me without an alternative plan or a good reason, I go out anyway. Even if I have to go by myself. I'm a little rebellious like that.
Does he reschedule?
Or does he offer an alternative? Like instead of going to the restaurant, lets cook at home instead?
I think it's important to figure out if it's you he's dissing or just the plans. Answering those questions might tell you a lot.
Also, I'd probably be direct and come right out and ask him - in a nice way, of course. No confrontation necessary, just a light, casual mentioning of the problem. Ehhh, but I'm a direct cap and will call people out on thier crap. If you do ask him, you don't have to make him come up with an exact explanation, but the way he acts when you ask will tell you pretty much what you need to know. Just getting the subject on the table and calling attention to it is enough, most of the time. You don't have to push for much of an answer. Then, just sit back and pay attention. If he makes an effort to do better in the future, that will tell how much he respects you and how far he's willing to go to please you.
If you don't let him know it bothers you, he won't know. Some men can be pretty clueless on that aspect. If you play nice and go along, then it will reinforce that you're okay with it. It's always best to speak up from the get go when something bothers you. That's the cap philosophy anyway.
My aqua guy is always okay with me telling him something bothers me and he doesn't get upset with me for speaking up. I think they'd rather have you speak up because it shows you respect yourself and you expect others to respect you as well.
Oh, and for the record, if someone cancels on me without an alternative plan or a good reason, I go out anyway. Even if I have to go by myself. I'm a little rebellious like that.
Posted by tiki33
I might consider looking this up, it's interesting...
You want to find a way to not appear intrusive or rude or naggy and pushy, well the truth is you may just come across that way even if you don't mean to, that's if you decide to approach this issue with him.
The cancelling could be his way of slowing things down, slowing you down, putting you on hold to garner frustration from you so you'll give him an easy out by you leaving him first and/or kicking up a fuss about his behavior so he can leave you and have a good reason to leave...So chill, be okay with him slowing down, pace yourself with him, things will go much smoother.
Keep an open mind b/c this could be good or bad but you don't want to make this worse by overreacting.
Whatever the outcome you'll be okay..
I agree with what you wrote, but I'd like to bring up the point that women don't need to feel like they're walking on eggshells when dealing with an aqua man. I mean, really, if asking him why he cancels ticks him off where he runs away, then he's just an inconsiderate guy you wouldn't want to be with anyway. If he realizes it bothers you and tries to do better, then he actually cares about you and your relationship.
I think women should speak up, and we should be okay calling a man out on their rude behavior. If he leaves, then he isn't the one anyway. Better to find out now than later. There's no point allowing someone to get away with it, just so you don't "scare them off". NO ONE wants to be with a pushover, so it should be okay to speak up.
It can be done without nagging, and it shouldn't be an overreaction. No drama and no emotional outburst. Just two adults discussing a topic.
I think so many are afraid of confronting an aqua man because they're afraid they'll flake on them. If he does flake, then he's not relationship material and good riddance.
Just do it nicely, lightly, with an open mind and with humor when needed.
Tiki, not really calling you out on your advice, it just seemed relevant to quote what you said because it leads into what I wanted to say.
And OP, Tiki is right, you'll be okay either way it goes.
I love the advice and agree.
I think we are just in this transition phase right now of fwb to more....and its kind of akward...but I am just going to talk to him...the signs are there we are becoming more. I am just not sure either wants to admit that we are heading for more...but we are. These turn of events are very new...and we basically have done nothing but be fb for months...then it turned to fwb...and now we are slowly heading in the right direction.
Maybe some talking and some time is all we need.
I think we are just in this transition phase right now of fwb to more....and its kind of akward...but I am just going to talk to him...the signs are there we are becoming more. I am just not sure either wants to admit that we are heading for more...but we are. These turn of events are very new...and we basically have done nothing but be fb for months...then it turned to fwb...and now we are slowly heading in the right direction.
Maybe some talking and some time is all we need.
But here is an example...
I saw him for a little while last Monday...he says I don't have my son Friday why don't we go to dinner...this is probably the half dozen or so times he has mentioned dinner...never happens.
We went out 3x in the beginning...last Sept. We have hung out and gotten drunk at his house. He has also said I am having friends over...why don't you come over..I never hear anything. But he has cancelled too...saying its too late or he got sick.
I saw him for a little while last Monday...he says I don't have my son Friday why don't we go to dinner...this is probably the half dozen or so times he has mentioned dinner...never happens.
We went out 3x in the beginning...last Sept. We have hung out and gotten drunk at his house. He has also said I am having friends over...why don't you come over..I never hear anything. But he has cancelled too...saying its too late or he got sick.
Maybe you should "get sick" and cancel on him sometime.
*shrug*
*shrug*
@ truecap... maybe so...
I guess because we both have kids..our time is limited the way it is...
But maybe I will start doing that.
He is flighty with everything...not just me.
I guess because we both have kids..our time is limited the way it is...
But maybe I will start doing that.
He is flighty with everything...not just me.
Man! This type of behavior is so annoying. I don't think he'll ever be serious. I think he's just saying things to keep you open to him when he finally decides to come back around for the moment. He is trying to keep your hopes high like a little puppy so that you would not ignore him when he does come around (or just to see if you're still responsive to him after he has stood you up-seeing if he can get back in). My aqua was JUST like this and I just recently found out that he was seeing 5 other women (who knows if there's more). I feel like a fool, but next time I have to protect myself and use better judgement. Sometimes this is not the case, but I'm just telling you this because I just went through the same thing. And being FWB isnt really a step up the ladder, its step down.
" but I'd like to bring up the point that women don't need to feel like they're walking on eggshells when dealing with an aqua man. I mean, really, if asking him why he cancels ticks him off where he runs away, then he's just an inconsiderate guy you wouldn't want to be with anyway. If he realizes it bothers you and tries to do better, then he actually cares about you and your relationship. "
True....
To be clear I'm not stating she's a nag etc etc. In her case she's not in a real relationship with him, it's FWB and when it's an FWB situation well the rules can be much more different then say a real relationship where both parties are committed to one another.
Mommy if you're transitioning from FWB to commitment then this will be challenging for the both of you.
General rule is if he's asking you out he must follow up with a time, place, date or he's not actually asking you out nor making a date with you, he's just making a general statement which does not require him to follow through.
If he's cancelling actual dates on you then he most likely is not comfortable with this new transition. He may be more comfortable being in a situation where the rules and expectations are very lenient, loose and flexible.
From what you're stating it does not appear you are going in the direction of FWB to more. It appears you're not moving ahead at all.
Think about it, cancelled dates, only 3 actual face to face dates, fuck buddies, friends with benefits. Aren't fb/fwb the same thing? Does that appear to be moving anywhere to you?
True....
To be clear I'm not stating she's a nag etc etc. In her case she's not in a real relationship with him, it's FWB and when it's an FWB situation well the rules can be much more different then say a real relationship where both parties are committed to one another.
Mommy if you're transitioning from FWB to commitment then this will be challenging for the both of you.
General rule is if he's asking you out he must follow up with a time, place, date or he's not actually asking you out nor making a date with you, he's just making a general statement which does not require him to follow through.
If he's cancelling actual dates on you then he most likely is not comfortable with this new transition. He may be more comfortable being in a situation where the rules and expectations are very lenient, loose and flexible.
From what you're stating it does not appear you are going in the direction of FWB to more. It appears you're not moving ahead at all.
Think about it, cancelled dates, only 3 actual face to face dates, fuck buddies, friends with benefits. Aren't fb/fwb the same thing? Does that appear to be moving anywhere to you?
We have had more than 3 face to face encounters...we see each other every weekend or at least every other...but the point I was making was..NOT OUT. We hang at his place...sorry for the confusion.
The benefits have stopped the past couple of months...and we have really opened up to each other and have gotten to know each other very well.
I just want him to take me out..shouldn't gave to beg.
This week will be tell tale...we will see.
The benefits have stopped the past couple of months...and we have really opened up to each other and have gotten to know each other very well.
I just want him to take me out..shouldn't gave to beg.
This week will be tell tale...we will see.
3 dates over a period of how many months (a year) is not moving forward. Being over his place a predominant amount of time is not moving forward.
Maybe you should consider brushing up on what a relationship moving forward looks like before assuming you're moving forward with him.
So I'm curious. When the benefits stopped was this around the time the cancelling began? What's the timeline between hanging out at his place and cancelling?
Maybe you should consider brushing up on what a relationship moving forward looks like before assuming you're moving forward with him.
So I'm curious. When the benefits stopped was this around the time the cancelling began? What's the timeline between hanging out at his place and cancelling?
He's not going to take you out if it's fb/fwb, he's just not going to.
Just talk to him about it. replace over-analyzing to get answers & substitute that for actually communicating with him about it. All the guessing in the world may not even be close to the real reason behind why he cancels a lot, so just as him.
Once you ask him, use your inner instincts to decide whether or not he's being 100% truthful.
Are you always recommending the dates? Do the dates always revolve around YOUR likes, hobbies & ideas? Sometimes men don't mind going with the flow & doing what a woman wants to do & other times he's like ugh no I'm not in the mood to watch chick flicks or go for long walks on the beach!! Sometimes it's just a lack of interest in the other person's version of "fun" or "romance" and NOT a lack of interest in the person as a whole.
If he's a homebody, then of course it makes sense that he's not 1 to wanna go outside of the home lol Some people are just naturally hermits. If he's been like that from the very beginning, then what you see is what you get. Doesn't make it fair or right b/c your needs & preferences are just as important as his.
Tell him how him cancelling dates makes you feel. If he still won't budge or be more flexible after you let him know how much confusion & lack of confidence in the relationship it's causing, then yeah he may not be that into you anymore. Sometimes people won't necessarily quickly leave a relationship just b/c they've gotten bored or lost interest.
I will say this though...if he's cancelling dates that HE planned & that involved things that he loves doing, yeah that's a bad sign. Again, it doesn't mean that he's not into you anymore, but instead that maybe he's lost sight of where his priorities & loyalties are. Sometimes a little reminder of such can do wonders for a relationship when 1 or both people have gotten a little TOO comfortable & complacent.
Some people are just naturally flaky, unreliable & undependable. They can love you to death, but if that's who they are then that won't change no matter how much they love you. Some people hold onto their flaws with a clenched fist!! If your gut tells you that he's just simply "existing" with you or that him being so flaky is something you can't put up with long term, then own that, be honest with yourself & map out your next plan of action accordingly.
Once you ask him, use your inner instincts to decide whether or not he's being 100% truthful.
Are you always recommending the dates? Do the dates always revolve around YOUR likes, hobbies & ideas? Sometimes men don't mind going with the flow & doing what a woman wants to do & other times he's like ugh no I'm not in the mood to watch chick flicks or go for long walks on the beach!! Sometimes it's just a lack of interest in the other person's version of "fun" or "romance" and NOT a lack of interest in the person as a whole.
If he's a homebody, then of course it makes sense that he's not 1 to wanna go outside of the home lol Some people are just naturally hermits. If he's been like that from the very beginning, then what you see is what you get. Doesn't make it fair or right b/c your needs & preferences are just as important as his.
Tell him how him cancelling dates makes you feel. If he still won't budge or be more flexible after you let him know how much confusion & lack of confidence in the relationship it's causing, then yeah he may not be that into you anymore. Sometimes people won't necessarily quickly leave a relationship just b/c they've gotten bored or lost interest.
I will say this though...if he's cancelling dates that HE planned & that involved things that he loves doing, yeah that's a bad sign. Again, it doesn't mean that he's not into you anymore, but instead that maybe he's lost sight of where his priorities & loyalties are. Sometimes a little reminder of such can do wonders for a relationship when 1 or both people have gotten a little TOO comfortable & complacent.
Some people are just naturally flaky, unreliable & undependable. They can love you to death, but if that's who they are then that won't change no matter how much they love you. Some people hold onto their flaws with a clenched fist!! If your gut tells you that he's just simply "existing" with you or that him being so flaky is something you can't put up with long term, then own that, be honest with yourself & map out your next plan of action accordingly.
^^^ There's no doubt though that what he's doing is extremely inconsiderate & is def. stripping the relationship of the confidence, communication & dependability that it needs to survive. If he cares about you, he'll own that, do his part & fix it once you address it with him
Krys it's an friends with benefits ie not a real relationship situation, nothing to really talk about considering the nature of their relationship.
Posted by tiki33
Krys it's an friends with benefits ie not a real relationship situation, nothing to really talk about considering the nature of their relationship.
Oh well in that case, she should run for the hills.
I wouldn't even recommend putting up with that with a man you ARE committed to. The fact that he hasn't even committed to you is a double HELL NO! A guy who's already showing signs of being selfish, flaky & inconsiderate is a big ole warning & red flag of what's to come later or what's not to come at all ---> commitment
To be fair though, I have to think realistically on this one. If she truly values his company, his friendship and whatever else she feels he brings to her life, then all the advice we give her in the world won't make her cut this guy off cold turkey. The heart wants what the heart wants.
So in that case, my advice would be to slow down, and back off A LOT! If cutting him off & moving on is just 100% not gonna happen or something you refuse to do, then fine. But the least you can do to protect yourself is to make your relations with him strictly platonic & to downgrade him from "priority" to "option." That way no one gets hurt. No one feels used or led on.
If you keep making someone a priority when they are showing you better than they can tell you that you're just an option, then the question isn't any longer: why would they lead me on? The question is actually: why wouldn't they?!!
He's either not that into you, he never saw you as a potential partner to begin with or he's entertaining many other girls that are the ones getting his attention on those nights when he cancel dates with you.
You're not that important to him sweetheart. All his sweet words & empty promises mean nothing if his actions speak a different tune. His actions are a reflection of how he truly feels about you. He's showing you who he is. As the saying goes, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the 1st time."
If not, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak & disaster that could've been 100% preventable had you just played your cards right & used logic vs. temporary ever-changing emotions
@krys
First off I love your input. You really know what you are talking about...I have read lots of your posts.
Yes it was fwb for a long time...IT ISNT ANYMORE. It hasn't been for 3 months now. We talk more now than ever...we don't just hang out and just have sex. He isn't calling me and asking are you free. I stopped the benefits months ago because I wasn't sure he was that serious about me. That's when things have changed for the better.
I stated earlier...it is like we are in this transition phase and maybe both of us are just trying to adjust because we would only get togetether for sex and out the door.
As far as being a home body...yes. He works a lot and has his son on the weekends. Maybe that is just his thing..he likes spending time with me there.
Things are different. Conversations are deeper and better. He caught feelings... first.
But yes...I agree. Maybe I am over analyzing because things ARE different. Maybe he is just comfortable hanging out with me at his place. Either way...it not working. Yes I like nights at home on the couch. But we have so many interests and likes...I want to us to do those things.
I'm not going to wait around. I am going to talk to him. He is constantly running when he is off between errands and his sons sports..and helping his parents at their house.
I appreciate the input from everyone.
First off I love your input. You really know what you are talking about...I have read lots of your posts.
Yes it was fwb for a long time...IT ISNT ANYMORE. It hasn't been for 3 months now. We talk more now than ever...we don't just hang out and just have sex. He isn't calling me and asking are you free. I stopped the benefits months ago because I wasn't sure he was that serious about me. That's when things have changed for the better.
I stated earlier...it is like we are in this transition phase and maybe both of us are just trying to adjust because we would only get togetether for sex and out the door.
As far as being a home body...yes. He works a lot and has his son on the weekends. Maybe that is just his thing..he likes spending time with me there.
Things are different. Conversations are deeper and better. He caught feelings... first.
But yes...I agree. Maybe I am over analyzing because things ARE different. Maybe he is just comfortable hanging out with me at his place. Either way...it not working. Yes I like nights at home on the couch. But we have so many interests and likes...I want to us to do those things.
I'm not going to wait around. I am going to talk to him. He is constantly running when he is off between errands and his sons sports..and helping his parents at their house.
I appreciate the input from everyone.
He may be confused by me as well. We didn't go into this saying its fwb...it just happene. He always knew I wanted more.
It was a confusing blur that went on too long. In the beginning we would text one day a week. The same for me. Maybe our mixed signals to watch other were confusing...and now we both see it.
Now we are texting almost daily. When we are together...we talk about everything..except what we need to...Lol.
He tells me about things going on in his life and things bugging him etc. So do I. I feel we are at a good place...but I feel it could be better.
The flakiness doesn't bother me..I am like that too.
It was never ever like that.
It was a confusing blur that went on too long. In the beginning we would text one day a week. The same for me. Maybe our mixed signals to watch other were confusing...and now we both see it.
Now we are texting almost daily. When we are together...we talk about everything..except what we need to...Lol.
He tells me about things going on in his life and things bugging him etc. So do I. I feel we are at a good place...but I feel it could be better.
The flakiness doesn't bother me..I am like that too.
It was never ever like that.
He may have knew you wanted more but if you accepted less without a commitment then it what it is, you get what you got.
You're a friend with the benefit of sex and of listening to his complaints, listening to his life, which can get old and can be confusing.
What is bothersome is you keep saying it hasn't been fwb for 3 months, it's more. How? Tell us how you know it's not just an fwb situation? For example did he specifically say we are no longer going to do what we were doing and it's now going to be a REAL relationship.
Because you see this "something more" cannot be assumed just by you, it has to be something that's communicated by him to you or it's not something more.
You have yet to specify if this man has verbally told you he's in a real relationship with you ie committed to you, getting towards a commitment with you etc etc.
Once you know from his own mouth what you're doing then things get less confusing, least they should.
Only 3 real dates, no going out, sitting on his couch 99% of the time, stopped the sex and most likely when you stopped having sex the cancellations began. It's not adding up. This does not appear to be progress/moving forward.
He doesn't seem confused but you do, you seem very confused about the nature of your relationship with him which is understandable.
You're a friend with the benefit of sex and of listening to his complaints, listening to his life, which can get old and can be confusing.
What is bothersome is you keep saying it hasn't been fwb for 3 months, it's more. How? Tell us how you know it's not just an fwb situation? For example did he specifically say we are no longer going to do what we were doing and it's now going to be a REAL relationship.
Because you see this "something more" cannot be assumed just by you, it has to be something that's communicated by him to you or it's not something more.
You have yet to specify if this man has verbally told you he's in a real relationship with you ie committed to you, getting towards a commitment with you etc etc.
Once you know from his own mouth what you're doing then things get less confusing, least they should.
Only 3 real dates, no going out, sitting on his couch 99% of the time, stopped the sex and most likely when you stopped having sex the cancellations began. It's not adding up. This does not appear to be progress/moving forward.
He doesn't seem confused but you do, you seem very confused about the nature of your relationship with him which is understandable.
Posted by ex2mommy
I have read so many posts that say they do this when they like you...and mine is again.
If any of you have had experience with this...how did you stop it without pushing him??? We have " been together a year".
Mine is a homebody...how do you get them to go out??
We have been on a pretty good role..help please
I've been with my Aquarius boyfriend for over a year and he's the done the same thing to me in the past! I gave him the benefit of the doubt because my gut told me to give him a chance. He still acts distant sometimes but he recently introduced me to him family including his son - he's very close to his family and his sister told me that I'm the only woman who's met the family since he split up with the mother of his son. Aqua men can be secretive and will confuse the hell out of you but only you can decide if he's taking the p**s with you or whether you should walk away before you get really hurt (follow your head not your heart)
My head is telling me to hang in there a bit longer... we will be at a year in a few weeks.
Reason being is because the past 3 weeks we have really gotten closer. He is responding to my texts and calls instantly...he used to ignore me...and he is initiating the almost daily contact.
We NEVER have been in contact that much. It was once a week maybe twice in a good week. He is a lot more open. I am seeing positive things.
Right now...I am just going about my life. He text me Friday night...just usual stuff...and I happened to be out...I think he got a bit mad...he got very quiet and quit texting. Then text me first thing the next morning...I think he was testing me. He was giving me crap about having too much to drink...so we will see.
We will talk next time I see him.
Reason being is because the past 3 weeks we have really gotten closer. He is responding to my texts and calls instantly...he used to ignore me...and he is initiating the almost daily contact.
We NEVER have been in contact that much. It was once a week maybe twice in a good week. He is a lot more open. I am seeing positive things.
Right now...I am just going about my life. He text me Friday night...just usual stuff...and I happened to be out...I think he got a bit mad...he got very quiet and quit texting. Then text me first thing the next morning...I think he was testing me. He was giving me crap about having too much to drink...so we will see.
We will talk next time I see him.
My head is telling me to hang in there a bit longer... we will be at a year in a few weeks.
Reason being is because the past 3 weeks we have really gotten closer. He is responding to my texts and calls instantly...he used to ignore me...and he is initiating the almost daily contact.
We NEVER have been in contact that much. It was once a week maybe twice in a good week. He is a lot more open. I am seeing positive things.
Right now...I am just going about my life. He text me Friday night...just usual stuff...and I happened to be out...I think he got a bit mad...he got very quiet and quit texting. Then text me first thing the next morning...I think he was testing me. He was giving me crap about having too much to drink...so we will see.
We will talk next time I see him.
Reason being is because the past 3 weeks we have really gotten closer. He is responding to my texts and calls instantly...he used to ignore me...and he is initiating the almost daily contact.
We NEVER have been in contact that much. It was once a week maybe twice in a good week. He is a lot more open. I am seeing positive things.
Right now...I am just going about my life. He text me Friday night...just usual stuff...and I happened to be out...I think he got a bit mad...he got very quiet and quit texting. Then text me first thing the next morning...I think he was testing me. He was giving me crap about having too much to drink...so we will see.
We will talk next time I see him.
My head is telling me to hang in there a bit longer... we will be at a year in a few weeks.
Reason being is because the past 3 weeks we have really gotten closer. He is responding to my texts and calls instantly...he used to ignore me...and he is initiating the almost daily contact.
We NEVER have been in contact that much. It was once a week maybe twice in a good week. He is a lot more open. I am seeing positive things.
Right now...I am just going about my life. He text me Friday night...just usual stuff...and I happened to be out...I think he got a bit mad...he got very quiet and quit texting. Then text me first thing the next morning...I think he was testing me. He was giving me crap about having too much to drink...so we will see.
We will talk next time I see him.
Reason being is because the past 3 weeks we have really gotten closer. He is responding to my texts and calls instantly...he used to ignore me...and he is initiating the almost daily contact.
We NEVER have been in contact that much. It was once a week maybe twice in a good week. He is a lot more open. I am seeing positive things.
Right now...I am just going about my life. He text me Friday night...just usual stuff...and I happened to be out...I think he got a bit mad...he got very quiet and quit texting. Then text me first thing the next morning...I think he was testing me. He was giving me crap about having too much to drink...so we will see.
We will talk next time I see him.
We talked...I said what would you think about dating?? He said we can work on that.
We had a good chat. I was mad because he wouldn't see me this weekend...he apologized and said I am sorry I am busy with my sons sports. I don't want you to be mad.
He kept apologizing. I kind of got emotional and just text him..I am sorry I care about you..like you and want to see you. I am sorry that I assumed we could be more...I am sorry that you are a tough one..but I am not sorry for the times we had.
So..we talked the next day..and I said I understand that you are busy and that you do have your son every weekend...and that you are busy being an awesome dad. But this isn't going to work seeing you once a month.
I left it as..I guess only time will tell.
We had a good chat. I was mad because he wouldn't see me this weekend...he apologized and said I am sorry I am busy with my sons sports. I don't want you to be mad.
He kept apologizing. I kind of got emotional and just text him..I am sorry I care about you..like you and want to see you. I am sorry that I assumed we could be more...I am sorry that you are a tough one..but I am not sorry for the times we had.
So..we talked the next day..and I said I understand that you are busy and that you do have your son every weekend...and that you are busy being an awesome dad. But this isn't going to work seeing you once a month.
I left it as..I guess only time will tell.
We talked...I said what would you think about dating?? He said we can work on that.
We had a good chat. I was mad because he wouldn't see me this weekend...he apologized and said I am sorry I am busy with my sons sports. I don't want you to be mad.
He kept apologizing. I kind of got emotional and just text him..I am sorry I care about you..like you and want to see you. I am sorry that I assumed we could be more...I am sorry that you are a tough one..but I am not sorry for the times we had.
So..we talked the next day..and I said I understand that you are busy and that you do have your son every weekend...and that you are busy being an awesome dad. But this isn't going to work seeing you once a month.
I left it as..I guess only time will tell.
We had a good chat. I was mad because he wouldn't see me this weekend...he apologized and said I am sorry I am busy with my sons sports. I don't want you to be mad.
He kept apologizing. I kind of got emotional and just text him..I am sorry I care about you..like you and want to see you. I am sorry that I assumed we could be more...I am sorry that you are a tough one..but I am not sorry for the times we had.
So..we talked the next day..and I said I understand that you are busy and that you do have your son every weekend...and that you are busy being an awesome dad. But this isn't going to work seeing you once a month.
I left it as..I guess only time will tell.
One thing is apparent...He's either actually interested in you now, unlike he said he was in the beginning or he's done messing with the other woman/women he was originally juggling you with.
I hate though that you basically sat around waiting for him to make you a priority. I hate that you're giving him credit now for something he should've been doing from the beginning. I'm worried that you being ok with getting the minimum from him sent the signal that your standards weren't very high. And in the future if he gets bored, wants to stray or feels like disappearing, he'll know that you'll sit there & take it, which def. doesn't give him any incentive to get his ish together.
The fact that you aren't even with this guy but yet are going through all of this hell like the people in actual commitments go through is disturbing. I think he was treating you that way b/c you were allowing him to.
If he's being good to you & treating you like a priority now, great! But still...don't put all your eggs in his basket just yet. A few text messages here & there more than last month is not a good enough reason to hand your heart over...especially not to the person who was just acting like you didn't exist just a few weeks/months ago.
Just be careful. My theory is that he will do this to you again, but you probably don't wanna hear that & won't wanna believe that even though it is very likely.
You'll know when he's totally serious about you when he commits to you. Mistresses & women men don't care about get constant texts/phone calls too. They get wined & dined & sold all of these false promises, BUT they won't ever get the title or ring from them. They don't realize that all the priority status he's giving them that took forever to get in the 1st place still don't prove that he's serious about them.
Get a commitment 1st. THEN start to emotionally/intellectually believe that he's serious about you. If you've been seeing him for a year, know that he knows enough about you & has known long ago where you placed (or not) in his life. If he's still pretending like he's not sure, that's translation for: I'm going to be finicky 1 month & all into you the next, depending on how many benefits you're willing to give me even when I'm not on my best behavior.
Be very careful. How you react to a man when he's not meeting the standard dictates his present & future level of respect for you.
I hate though that you basically sat around waiting for him to make you a priority. I hate that you're giving him credit now for something he should've been doing from the beginning. I'm worried that you being ok with getting the minimum from him sent the signal that your standards weren't very high. And in the future if he gets bored, wants to stray or feels like disappearing, he'll know that you'll sit there & take it, which def. doesn't give him any incentive to get his ish together.
The fact that you aren't even with this guy but yet are going through all of this hell like the people in actual commitments go through is disturbing. I think he was treating you that way b/c you were allowing him to.
If he's being good to you & treating you like a priority now, great! But still...don't put all your eggs in his basket just yet. A few text messages here & there more than last month is not a good enough reason to hand your heart over...especially not to the person who was just acting like you didn't exist just a few weeks/months ago.
Just be careful. My theory is that he will do this to you again, but you probably don't wanna hear that & won't wanna believe that even though it is very likely.
You'll know when he's totally serious about you when he commits to you. Mistresses & women men don't care about get constant texts/phone calls too. They get wined & dined & sold all of these false promises, BUT they won't ever get the title or ring from them. They don't realize that all the priority status he's giving them that took forever to get in the 1st place still don't prove that he's serious about them.
Get a commitment 1st. THEN start to emotionally/intellectually believe that he's serious about you. If you've been seeing him for a year, know that he knows enough about you & has known long ago where you placed (or not) in his life. If he's still pretending like he's not sure, that's translation for: I'm going to be finicky 1 month & all into you the next, depending on how many benefits you're willing to give me even when I'm not on my best behavior.
Be very careful. How you react to a man when he's not meeting the standard dictates his present & future level of respect for you.
It is confusing...
We actually went through this last year too. His son races hours away...and plays baseball. The difference is we were only seeing each other on the weekdays last year. Then a few months back I put a stop to that.
I really haven't expressed too much emotion with him. Just recently. I felt maybe he was wondering how I felt so I let him know. Now the ball is in his court.
I just don't know the best way to handle this. Do I break it off?? Obviously talking about it in the past hasn't worked.
We have broken it off before for not seeing each other much. HE always came back.
We actually went through this last year too. His son races hours away...and plays baseball. The difference is we were only seeing each other on the weekdays last year. Then a few months back I put a stop to that.
I really haven't expressed too much emotion with him. Just recently. I felt maybe he was wondering how I felt so I let him know. Now the ball is in his court.
I just don't know the best way to handle this. Do I break it off?? Obviously talking about it in the past hasn't worked.
We have broken it off before for not seeing each other much. HE always came back.
Basically what I am asking at this point is...
I suggested us dating and told him how I felt. I guess I will wait and see if he does anything with that.
I just don't know how to handle this...
Do I throw the friend card out there...just say lets remain friends??? I would like more than what you are capable of giving.
Do I end it again because he is busy and stick to it???
I just don't know where to go with it.
Please help?? What would you do??
I suggested us dating and told him how I felt. I guess I will wait and see if he does anything with that.
I just don't know how to handle this...
Do I throw the friend card out there...just say lets remain friends??? I would like more than what you are capable of giving.
Do I end it again because he is busy and stick to it???
I just don't know where to go with it.
Please help?? What would you do??
Throwing the friend card out there is going to get you what you're getting now. If you make the decision to break it off, it will have to be with no contact, no friend status. In my opinion, that will be the only way to get through to him. Then, if he misses you and wants to come back, then you have more power and it can be with your stipulations.
You've expressed your feelings and he knows what your desires and goals are. Let's see how seriously he takes you. So, for now, I would give it a little bit of time and give him a chance to do something about it. He might be needing to gear up mentally and prepare his son for whats to come. I wouldn't give him more than a month, though, to make a decision of whether he wants to date you or not. You're not happy with the situation as is, so after a month, I'd make a bolder move (even if it means losing him, you'd be gaining yourself, you'd stop wasting time and have chance to find someone who will give you what you want).
What bothers me about your situation and makes me question his sincerity is that he's not incorporating you into his and his son's lives. If he were serious about you, why isn't he asking you to attend the sporting events with him?
At 3 months of dating my aqua, I was attending his son's baseball and football games. At 6 months, I was attending family events. It made a huge difference to the amount of time we were spending together and more solidified that we were a couple.
You've expressed your feelings and he knows what your desires and goals are. Let's see how seriously he takes you. So, for now, I would give it a little bit of time and give him a chance to do something about it. He might be needing to gear up mentally and prepare his son for whats to come. I wouldn't give him more than a month, though, to make a decision of whether he wants to date you or not. You're not happy with the situation as is, so after a month, I'd make a bolder move (even if it means losing him, you'd be gaining yourself, you'd stop wasting time and have chance to find someone who will give you what you want).
What bothers me about your situation and makes me question his sincerity is that he's not incorporating you into his and his son's lives. If he were serious about you, why isn't he asking you to attend the sporting events with him?
At 3 months of dating my aqua, I was attending his son's baseball and football games. At 6 months, I was attending family events. It made a huge difference to the amount of time we were spending together and more solidified that we were a couple.
@truecap... great advice as always. I think that sounds great. I am torn..but very good points!!!
I agree...this whole thing would be easier if he would incorporate me...agree 1000% . Why he hasn't...giving him the benefit of the doubt...because we were fb for so long. I think a month is good. I am going to see how he reacts to my requests. I feel I have openly expressed what I need...I have even asked him to start dating and told him how I felt. If he can't handle that..he isn't serious or he isn't that serious for me.
You are so right about the friend card. I am exactly that right now. If he wants something he needs to show me.
We will see.
I agree...this whole thing would be easier if he would incorporate me...agree 1000% . Why he hasn't...giving him the benefit of the doubt...because we were fb for so long. I think a month is good. I am going to see how he reacts to my requests. I feel I have openly expressed what I need...I have even asked him to start dating and told him how I felt. If he can't handle that..he isn't serious or he isn't that serious for me.
You are so right about the friend card. I am exactly that right now. If he wants something he needs to show me.
We will see.
Well...I have decided to end it.
I am at my witts end with this guy. It is so confusing...we are in contact way more...but we aren't seeing each other AT ALL...and as much as I hate to admit it...I think he has someone else. We aren't official...but I am not putting up with this anymore. I have not seen him since April 7 and March 16 before that.
Totally feel like he is stringing me along...which I don't understand because he is getting NOTHING from me. No sex..no hanging out...nothing...and even agreed to dating...which hasn't happened.
I am at my witts end with this guy. It is so confusing...we are in contact way more...but we aren't seeing each other AT ALL...and as much as I hate to admit it...I think he has someone else. We aren't official...but I am not putting up with this anymore. I have not seen him since April 7 and March 16 before that.
Totally feel like he is stringing me along...which I don't understand because he is getting NOTHING from me. No sex..no hanging out...nothing...and even agreed to dating...which hasn't happened.
I'm so sorry. But understand completely. Honestly, I think you're doing the right thing. You deserve better.
Thanks truecap.
I haven't done it yet...it has to be this week. I feel we are going backwards and not forward. He is breaking my heart..and I am not doing it anymore.
I talked with one of my best guy friends. He has been there every step of the way and knows every detail. He told me the other day that he sincerely thinks he likes me but cannot figure out what he wants either. His thing was if he wasn't interested why would he be contacting me more...but seeing me less. It just doesn't make sense. He said maybe he is scared to fall and get burned again.
I have told myself enough times...he is getting closer...but he isn't.
I haven't done it yet...it has to be this week. I feel we are going backwards and not forward. He is breaking my heart..and I am not doing it anymore.
I talked with one of my best guy friends. He has been there every step of the way and knows every detail. He told me the other day that he sincerely thinks he likes me but cannot figure out what he wants either. His thing was if he wasn't interested why would he be contacting me more...but seeing me less. It just doesn't make sense. He said maybe he is scared to fall and get burned again.
I have told myself enough times...he is getting closer...but he isn't.
Update...
I told him...I honestly don't know what if anything you want with me anymore. I feel like you have lost interest and I am starting to feel the same way. You won't allow us to see each other or go out. Maybe your walls are too high for me to scale but I am considering walking for good. I said we have seen each other less in the past 3 months then we ever have. So..if you want to end it be honest and we will go our separate ways. Now is the time.
His response was...I do miss you sorry that you feel that way.
I said words are words.
I want to see if he will do anything...so I am giving him a few weeks. If nothing changes I am walking. I have backed off the contact and preparing myself to walk.
I told him...I honestly don't know what if anything you want with me anymore. I feel like you have lost interest and I am starting to feel the same way. You won't allow us to see each other or go out. Maybe your walls are too high for me to scale but I am considering walking for good. I said we have seen each other less in the past 3 months then we ever have. So..if you want to end it be honest and we will go our separate ways. Now is the time.
His response was...I do miss you sorry that you feel that way.
I said words are words.
I want to see if he will do anything...so I am giving him a few weeks. If nothing changes I am walking. I have backed off the contact and preparing myself to walk.
I find it odd that you told him you were considering walking and all he had to say was "I do miss you and sorry you feel that way". Really? He didn't try to persuade you to stay or offer up any kind of explanations?
If I were in your situation, I would take that to mean he was willing to let you walk.
Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.
If I were in your situation, I would take that to mean he was willing to let you walk.
Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.
You are right that's not what I want to hear..but it is the truth and becoming the reality.
Thanks!
Thanks!
He may think I am threatening..we have broken it off...oh 5 times in a year. Wait til I pull no contact once I get my stuff.
He wanted to hang out Friday. I refused. So he said..I guess you have a hot weekend date. I said u date...you have made it clear you want nothing further with me and yes I have plans this weekend. He said have fun be safe I won't bug you anymore.
So I unleashed...I said...you saw me once in March and once in April...do you really think I am going to sit around and wait..ha NO. I will get my stuff from you and say goodbye...its clear that you don't want a good girl with a good heart..you want to keep playing games...I'm done. Nothing...he completely shut down. This went on for hours but thats the gist. Last night I sent him a video of the song to Say Something...maybe that will make him get it. I feel I am talking to a wall.. I don't know what is going to make it sink in.
So I unleashed...I said...you saw me once in March and once in April...do you really think I am going to sit around and wait..ha NO. I will get my stuff from you and say goodbye...its clear that you don't want a good girl with a good heart..you want to keep playing games...I'm done. Nothing...he completely shut down. This went on for hours but thats the gist. Last night I sent him a video of the song to Say Something...maybe that will make him get it. I feel I am talking to a wall.. I don't know what is going to make it sink in.
I understand that he was hurt...its been almost 2 years..but this isn't fair to me that he doesn't want to deal with his issues..of being a commitment phobe.
The only thing I know to do is walk...no contact at all. He is going to go crazy.
Hang in there. Stay strong!
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