Best way to approach?

I've decided. I am not going to sit and wonder anymore. I am going to drum up the courage to ask him how he feels and does he love me. It's been over a YEAR now. I feel like he does love me (through his actions), but dang it! I'm a woman and I'd like to hear some verbal confirmation! I also feel like he's holding back and is keeping a rein on it.

I desparetely need advice on the best way to approach this without sounding demanding, needy or whiny. I think the approach is all important because I don't want to make him feel cornered, although he's likely to feel that way anyhow.

I realize there are several possibilities as to why he hasn't told me.
- He might not feel it.
- He might not be ready.
- He may be uncomfortable sharing.
- He may be afraid I'm going to demand marriage (although we both agree to taking it slow and not rushing into that).
- He may be think it will change the relationship.
- He may be worried that he will lose his freedom.
- He may be scared.
- He may assume I already know.
- And many other reasons.

In the past, I've been nervous and afraid to hear something I don't want to hear. At this point, I think it's time and I'm prepared to hear the worse case scenario. I'm also prepared to do what has to be done if I do hear the worse case scenario.

I realize with any man this is a delicate topic and I would appreciate any advice yall can offer up.

*Sigh*
I'm too old for this! lol!

Thanks for your advice!

I realize I've received a lot of advice from yall in the past and I'm building on that. Finally ready to set my fears to the side. (and yall know how us caps fear rejection!).

Then how do yall suggest I go about it?

It is important to me to have a verbal aknowledgement, as it would be most women.

Okay. Yall have explained the feeling and thought process behind discussing such matters.

What I haven't heard is a suggestion in how to approach the convervation or find out or open the subject so that it is not going to make him feel entrapped. You haven't offered anything concrete.

*puts fustrations aside*

Let me try it this way. I have told him in the past that I loved him. He hugged me tight and gave me a quick kiss. He was receptive, but he has not reciprocated. I have told him in a text during a conversation and it wouldn't have fit the flow of the conversation if he had said it back then.

One thought I had in approaching it was this:
1. Tell him I loved him.
2. Notice his reaction. He either says it back or doesn't.
3. If he doesn't, then I smile at him and say "you don't have to say it back, but I am curious as to why you aren't". (simple, nonthreatening).

Yall need to realize. It's not important to you, but it might be important to your partners. I am not insecure and need to hear it because I am needy. However, I want to hear it because its nice to know someone loves you.

Plus, if he is not on the same page, it will be time for me to start withdrawing and put up some shields to protect my heart. Simply the capricorn way. I do not want to fall deeper in love with him, if he doesn't love me back. Surely yall can understand that.

Posted by BalmyTigress

Posted by truecap
Okay. Yall have explained the feeling and thought process behind discussing such matters.

What I haven't heard is a suggestion in how to approach the convervation or find out or open the subject so that it is not going to make him feel entrapped. You haven't offered anything concrete.

I did suggest, but I'll reiterate if it was lost. Ask "Do you love me?" in an appropriate setting. When you're relaxed, look at him and ask him. I'd ask it in a curious manner.

click to expand

I suppose I missed it. Thanks for clarifying Balmy.

Posted by Metoo
My aqua friend told me, "you are so REAL when your vulnerable".
Hey Beautiful girl!! Soooo, I hear that they LIKE the color of turquoise blue as it flows with water and is tranquil like the ocean.
So I would put this color T on for having a good vibe type of convo. And some jeans that make your butt look really cute! Or just panties! hhhahahah I kid, but yes to the ocean blue!

I would tell him:
"sit down baby heres a beer...Im gonna have one too and relax with you and theres
something I've been working up the courage to put on the table.
I have been a little afraid of scaring you or making you feel cornered. I am sensitive to pushing or rushing because I don't like it either.
But I don't feel like holding back anymore as much as its hard for me to get my feelings out I want to be honest.
I waited a long time to be sure of my feelings and I feel certain that I do love you and would mean a lot to me to know you feel the same? Can you give me your thoughts on us?"

Can you see how it started out? Laid back, kinda chill, no biggie.....

Thanks MeToo. That's the kind of suggestions I was asking for. Ways to approach. I like the way you suggested.

Posted by Metoo
You could also try a funny approach like...I have some news, I don't know how your gonna take it, it could go bad here, and I'm so sorry to do this to you. I didn't want to say this, I know it might be hard to take...but you need to hear it from me...then pause...straight faced...very serious...let him prod you with "what is it?" let him wonder for a minute if its an affair, if your breaking up with him...let it seem fairly serious and bad...then....with a coy smile..."I have finally realized I am in love with you"

That's cute!

Something playful sounds good like "why do you never say I love you?" I think that's better than "do you love me" tbh. If it's head on sometimes I'll agree with febby it might make me feel uncomfortable but if you just sorta wedge it in there with something playful first THEN how you really feel, for some reason it's all okay.

*shrugs*

I too think that you should just come out and say it... be it playful or straightforward. You'll have your answer either way in his response. Hearing them, despite not needing to given actions, do go a long way. It's when you hear them and the actions don't correspond in which there is a real issue. Those are some hard words mind you... and you need to know what you're getting yourself into if you say them and they are reciprocated (or not)...

*hugs*

Fo sho BT! This is almost borderline giving my secrets away but in some sense I feel threatened if approached so suddenly and I make stupid imaginary connections to questions like "Do you love me?" lol because I'd be thinking well of course I do, why don't you love me now? It's pretty stupid.

That said though my venus is placed well so it's usually me that says things first after my merc in cap has cycled through some thoughts. There's also this inability for venus in cap people to be so straight forward with feelings and if I recall he's got that placement right? Something along the lines of the placement to 'miss their chance' from being overly guarded.

But I think everyone here are all on the same page 😄 he needs to know how ya feel. It's not all about him and you have every right and deserve to hear confirmation because sometimes it's the little things. Something us Aquas usually fail to understand.

Yes, he's a cap in venus.

Thanks everyone. I'll try the playful approach when I get a chance.

Take it easy. I'm not an Aqua, but think and love like one (Mercury & Venus in Aqua, also Moon close by, at 4 degree Pisces). I almost never declare dramatically "I love you". A SO should known this, because I usually invest everything I have in him.

If my Aqua would ask me if I loved him, I would not hesitate to say "yes, I do love you"...maybe in a few months time, because we just met two months ago. Love comes easily, as long as your lover doesn't start torturing you heart (like my ex Capricorn did, lol).

Aqua said "I love you.....your body" last night when we.... It made me laugh, because I said the same words to my ex-Cap, albeit deliberately. Cap used to cringe noticeably at any sign of affection from my part, which in turn made me want to push his buttons.

The best thing about being with an Aqua is that you could do and say the most outrageous things, and he would simply go with them. For example, I just texted him: "Sorry I peed on you in the shower. I was just marking my territory". He replied that it was warm and nice and that he's my territory anyway.

Seriously now, something which matters very much is the level of "training" someone has received during previous relationships. My Aqua was married for 10+ years with a Cancer. He must have been trained to say "I love you" every second day, probably 🙂!

Thanks yall! I will definitely let you know how it goes. I have lots of great advice to ponder over. I'll make sure to go with the flow and keep it light.

Posted by Undine

The best thing about being with an Aqua is that you could do and say the most outrageous things, and he would simply go with them. For example, I just texted him: "Sorry I peed on you in the shower. I was just marking my territory". He replied that it was warm and nice and that he's my territory anyway.

That's funny right there! 🙂

Posted by cheekyfaerie
Ha. I swear, I should just start bookmarking all of your threads.

Best of luck, lady. 🙂

Things going well with you and your guy?

I would not have this conversation, just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. I would not like to be put on the spot like that.

Why are you trying to corner him if everything else is great? I don't know, I would refrain from having that conversation.

How many times have you said it?

As an aqua if I love you, you will know. I can't hide that :: I might even be annoying about it at first but I do settle down after awhile 😛

Posted by aquapiscescusp
I would not have this conversation, just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. I would not like to be put on the spot like that.

Why are you trying to corner him if everything else is great? I don't know, I would refrain from having that conversation.

How many times have you said it?

I never said I was going to corner him. I was asking for advice on how to find out.

I'm sorry he hasn't done much outside of that card so far truecap.

He sounds like someone who must have been hurt deeply more than once in the past. I say that because... what does he have to gain as a user from you? I would think a cap would know when they are being used no ^.^? But, you know him better than any of us. I hope all goes well with what you plan to do.

I am giving you my opinion, if he has been with you for 1 year then surely he loves you. No? I would feel cornered and I would sense you being needy.

Posted by cheekyfaerie

Posted by aquapiscescusp
I would not have this conversation, just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. I would not like to be put on the spot like that.

Why are you trying to corner him if everything else is great? I don't know, I would refrain from having that conversation.

How many times have you said it?

Us Caps are better do-ers than say-ers too. We show our affections more readily than we explain them. That said, it's been over a year. Even my Aqua Venus'd be getting twitchy by now. Her Scorp one's prolly busting at the seams.

click to expand

Yes, the scorpio venus is a difficult placement to rein in. Just like the aquas don't want to be put on the spot or made to feel uncomfortable, the scorpio venus needs to know how our partner feels. It is a very uncomfortable feeling not knowing. So I get the feeling by some of the aqua comments that as long as they are not made uncomfortable, then things are hunky dorey, and they don't seem to care how their partner feels. It takes two to be in a relationship and both peoples needs to be met. I've heard many aquas in the past complain that people give up on them - wonder why this is? And, of course, not everyone's said the same thing.

So, if I can meet HIS needs, he can meet MINE.

And no where did I say was I going to force him to say something or do anything.

Posted by NotYourAverageAquarius
I'm sorry he hasn't done much outside of that card so far truecap.

He sounds like someone who must have been hurt deeply more than once in the past. I say that because... what does he have to gain as a user from you? I would think a cap would know when they are being used no ^.^? But, you know him better than any of us. I hope all goes well with what you plan to do.

No, he's not using me. I do know that.

I'm not angry. And I'm not needy. But, I need to know if we are on the same page. If we are not, then I need to step back from the relationship for a while and take some time and re-evaluate.

He has never said he loves you and you still don't know where you stand after one year. One year is a long time to go without knowing, didn't you wonder before?

Posted by aquapiscescusp
He has never said he loves you and you still don't know where you stand after one year. One year is a long time to go without knowing, didn't you wonder before?

Yes. And I've been patient and I have taken a lot of the advice I've received on this board.

I do know he is happy in the relationship. I do know he likes me and cares about me. I recognize that his actions say a lot (he helped me host a Memorial Day party and did the shopping with me and all the cooking). He has not done any kind of disappearing act. He refers to me as his girlfriend. I'm becoming closer to his family. He's becoming closer with my friends.

I've been fine reading between the lines and "feeling" it - until now. I'm not okay with just that anymore. To me, it's akin to being taken care of by being fed popcorn for supper instead of steak. It's like someone saying "we're going to give you the responsibility of this job, but we're not going to give you the title or increase your paycheck." You can go along with it for so long, but eventually you break.

I hope that makes sense.

I understand you completely. You might be further ahead with planning a future together than he might be. Not that he doesn't love you, I am sure he does. Maybe asking him if he loves you is not the question. How about telling him what you expect out of the relationship --now that's it's been about one year; example if you want to move in together (I don't know if you already do) or want to get married or however you see eachother. I get the feeling he is just coasting while you want something more concrete.

There is nothing wrong with putting it on the table like that. However he responds will be the right thing because then you will KNOW and you won't wonder any longer.

Do I make any sense?

Yes, you do make sense. That's the kind of stuff I was looking for in my question. I'm glad you understood where I was coming from. Thanks for that. It gives me something to build on mentally.

Here's the irony and my twisted humor - I'm not comfortable mentioning the marriage word and he's probably not comfortable with just the love word! 🙂

I liked what you said Feby.

Posted by truecap
Yes, you do make sense. That's the kind of stuff I was looking for in my question. I'm glad you understood where I was coming from. Thanks for that. It gives me something to build on mentally.

Here's the irony and my twisted humor - I'm not comfortable mentioning the marriage word and he's probably not comfortable with just the love word! 🙂

Anytime 🙂 do you feel he is holding back regarding a commitment?

@ Feby - Either Saturday or Sunday. I'd like to take advantage of the next time we don't have teenagers around and are totally alone.

@ Aquapisces - I feel he's committed to our relationship. We are exclusive and have been all this time.

I would think then, he would welcome pretty much anything you had to share or question :: good luck and keep us posted

aww 88 I read it, it was really good insight I thought 😢

Thanks yall for all your honest opinions. I hear ya and will figure out what to do. I usually find a way. The insight yall have given helps to get just the right angle. I wil have to have the right timing first. Who knows when that will be, but I don't plan on forcing it. I will keep yall posted regardless what happens.

The reason I got bothered was because I felt like some weren't understanding my feelings on the matter. Thanks again