Expectations.
This topic was created in the Aquarius forum by CYAN on Sunday, September 22, 2013 and has 16 replies.
My Aqua girlfriend told me to meet her at the movies at a time she designated. I get there early and wait. The designated time passes and 15 minutes later the movie is starting. I get no call or text. I text her that im going into the theater, still no text. 15 minutes after the trailer starts she comes into the theater and does not bother to look for me for more than a few seconds and takes a seat on one of the bottom rows. I asked her what happened and was she okay. She said she was okay but was perturbed by having to tell me that the reason she was late was because she meandered a little going to store and getting some water and took her a while to saunter out of house. She doesn't care for trailers either.
So i am thinking, call me crazy but it would have been nice to send me a little text letting me know she wasnt going to meet me at the time she herself set up. Then she gets even more perturbed and says that i had EXPECTATIONS about how things were going to go and how things were going to happen and that i probably spent my whole time wondering instead of just....I dont know... reading a book or playing a video game or occupying myself otherwise.
She has always laid some serious logic upon my crazy emotional self but I thought this was new. I thought it was borderline rude but in the back of my head it almost made sense. I did have a way i thought things were going to go but to expect anything from anyone can be stiffing. At least that is my take on how Aqua see it.
I need an opinion here because no matter what i say her behavior is natural to her and may not even see it as a sign of disrespect. My verdict is still somewhat out.
I am asking how someone would react if their friends did or said the same thing to them... And what you would say in return perhaps?? I mean i am so used to people simply apologizing for being late or telling me a crazy thing that happened to them on the way.... And somehow it feels as though i have acted inappropriately. Any opinion is welcome.
So i am thinking, call me crazy but it would have been nice to send me a little text letting me know she wasnt going to meet me at the time she herself set up. Then she gets even more perturbed and says that i had EXPECTATIONS about how things were going to go and how things were going to happen and that i probably spent my whole time wondering instead of just....I dont know... reading a book or playing a video game or occupying myself otherwise.
She has always laid some serious logic upon my crazy emotional self but I thought this was new. I thought it was borderline rude but in the back of my head it almost made sense. I did have a way i thought things were going to go but to expect anything from anyone can be stiffing. At least that is my take on how Aqua see it.
I need an opinion here because no matter what i say her behavior is natural to her and may not even see it as a sign of disrespect. My verdict is still somewhat out.
I am asking how someone would react if their friends did or said the same thing to them... And what you would say in return perhaps?? I mean i am so used to people simply apologizing for being late or telling me a crazy thing that happened to them on the way.... And somehow it feels as though i have acted inappropriately. Any opinion is welcome.
how did that make you feel
I really dont know how i feel. This is why im here asking how i should feel. She is a good friend who is always straight up with me. She gives herself so much liberty. Do i want to be this way? I really just want reactions from people putting themselves on the receiving end. Everyone's got preconceptions about how people should behave. I myself am against preconceptions which is why im not actually hurt by this behavior although i felt disrespected. I expected to be respected. But this isnt a guy who plays games for kicks. She has never been disrespectful to me. on the contrary she has been very thoughtful.
This sounds a lot like one of my friends who did the exact same thing last year! Agreed to catch a movie and she left me out of the plan until the last minute while I waiting outside the theatres. Rather than waiting I just went home after my calls went unanswered.
I think you summed it up nicely. My friend has never disrespected me either and we have had some awesome times hanging out but she operates on her own timescale. I've learnt to deal with this by keeping myself occupied while waiting or just end up doing something else because I'm certain she already knows she's late so there's no point in bringing it up and creating conflict.
Perhaps a clearer line next time. I've always made it clear to her I'd be here at this location at this time and if she's not there by then I'd be gone. She agrees to it and she's definitely made some effort into turning up on time but yeah it wasn't a question of her being rude and late but just I wanted to know what the hell was going on, once I made that clear to her she's been a lot better.
I think you summed it up nicely. My friend has never disrespected me either and we have had some awesome times hanging out but she operates on her own timescale. I've learnt to deal with this by keeping myself occupied while waiting or just end up doing something else because I'm certain she already knows she's late so there's no point in bringing it up and creating conflict.
Perhaps a clearer line next time. I've always made it clear to her I'd be here at this location at this time and if she's not there by then I'd be gone. She agrees to it and she's definitely made some effort into turning up on time but yeah it wasn't a question of her being rude and late but just I wanted to know what the hell was going on, once I made that clear to her she's been a lot better.
Hey CYAN. Im sorry to hear the sit. with your aqua gf. Problem is, she knows how she is and does not care that she is a bit....inconsiderate. I would be highly upset if someone did that to me. DO NOT take this on as you being illogical because of your "crazy" emotions. Its simple math, she picked the time + she needs to be there = She needs to text if late. You see where I am going?
A-noz. The clarity thing is the best remedy without delving too far. I will use it to bring awareness of what meeting someone means. ( ;
Ceu believes im looking at it from a "closer" level. I dont know about the whole romantic part although i will say since she is more like a man than girly, i was attracted to her character and strength. So i suppose there has always been that lezbo vibe ( ". I dont feel anything about it. I think if I did it would not make any sense given her ability to discern what is inconsiderate. I think ill brush it off but im curious as to how others would perceive it. Its not common when someone tells you its your problem for expecting something. I find it a bit comical that she is serious but i will retain that it does not rub me so well and it makes her seem somewhat unpleasant to me...But friends can be sometimes and I think ive learned to not "expect" things. As usual with Aquas there is always something to learn.
Ceu believes im looking at it from a "closer" level. I dont know about the whole romantic part although i will say since she is more like a man than girly, i was attracted to her character and strength. So i suppose there has always been that lezbo vibe ( ". I dont feel anything about it. I think if I did it would not make any sense given her ability to discern what is inconsiderate. I think ill brush it off but im curious as to how others would perceive it. Its not common when someone tells you its your problem for expecting something. I find it a bit comical that she is serious but i will retain that it does not rub me so well and it makes her seem somewhat unpleasant to me...But friends can be sometimes and I think ive learned to not "expect" things. As usual with Aquas there is always something to learn.
This is not a sun sign thing. This is a boundary thing.
I would have called her out on it and let her know in no uncertain terms that it was not considerate and down right rude that she did that. Let her know you still love her and forgive her this time, but you expect to be notified in the future if she is going to be late. Tell her you understand things happen but you expect to be kept in the loop of what is going on and if she lets you know you will always understand. Stand up for yourself and demand to be treated better. In other words, draw your boundary the first time something happens or it will happen again.
You might be afraid to do this, but I guarentee once you clear the air, people will not do this to you again. Once the word gets out, people will respect you and your time. If they don't, then you don't need friends like that.
Okay, okay, blame my capricorn mercury, but this is how I deal with these situations. It makes no difference what sun sign you're dealing with or who they are, but if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will.
It's become an on-going "joke" in my circle - 'better let truecap know we're going to be or we will be in trouble and have to deal with her'.
I would have called her out on it and let her know in no uncertain terms that it was not considerate and down right rude that she did that. Let her know you still love her and forgive her this time, but you expect to be notified in the future if she is going to be late. Tell her you understand things happen but you expect to be kept in the loop of what is going on and if she lets you know you will always understand. Stand up for yourself and demand to be treated better. In other words, draw your boundary the first time something happens or it will happen again.
You might be afraid to do this, but I guarentee once you clear the air, people will not do this to you again. Once the word gets out, people will respect you and your time. If they don't, then you don't need friends like that.
Okay, okay, blame my capricorn mercury, but this is how I deal with these situations. It makes no difference what sun sign you're dealing with or who they are, but if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will.
It's become an on-going "joke" in my circle - 'better let truecap know we're going to be or we will be in trouble and have to deal with her'.
Well, I have to be honest, I am always late for everything outside of work and soccer. It's a horrible habit I have, I get side tracked doing other things, and before you know it, I'm going to be 30min to an hour late. However, I always text or call to let whomever is waiting for me know. I obviously still need to work on my punctuality, but my point is, is that it is rude to not throw someone a bone about your whereabouts if you are running late. And bottom line, if she doesn't like you asking or wondering where she was, then she should either be on time or shoot you a text... it's not rocket science and it would alleviate being annoyed on both sides. If she continues that behavior, then just don't make plans with her anymore.
Rae, I would just tell you to meet me 30 mintues before you actually need to be there. lol!!!
This is a dangerous situation b/c someone who can make you believe them when they are mentally manipulating you & undressing you from what you want, is a psychological game!
I get what she's saying. She knew deep down she was wrong & that she'd be irritated if the same thing were to happen to her.
But b/c she's not gonna accept being labeled as this big "inconsiderate person" all b/c of that 1 isolated event, she'd prefer you not make a big deal out of something or take something so personal that it changes how you feel about her as a whole.
All she had to say though was that although she didn't mean any harm, she at least acknowledges how you'd come to the conclusion that she was being inconsiderate
But she didn't. She completely dismissed your feelings. And she did it in such a logical & philosophical way that you almost started to believe it!
Stick with your guns! You know you! You were asking for a million bucks, you were asking for a simple acknowledgement that she was gonna be late & if not that, to at least acknowledge that her not telling you she was gonna be late, was rude!
Don't become a doormat to her. If she does something wrong, call her on the carpet. If you start walking on egg shells around her whenever she messes up, she will lose respect for you
Would you rather her be a slight bit irritated that you're criticizing her in the moment (which she'll get over 5 minutes later) OR would you rather her lose respect for you b/c you always allow her to get away with things she wouldn't dare let you get away with?!?
If you were asking her never to gain or lose a pound, that'd be a time to say whoa buddy, your expectations are too high!
But you didn't. You asked for consideration & respect for your time, which is a world-wide "expectation." It's not like you're only person who expects for their partner to be considerate. Almost every woman/man walking not only wants that but also EXPECTS that!
Trust me, had you done that to her, she would've been pissed.
I get what she's saying. She knew deep down she was wrong & that she'd be irritated if the same thing were to happen to her.
But b/c she's not gonna accept being labeled as this big "inconsiderate person" all b/c of that 1 isolated event, she'd prefer you not make a big deal out of something or take something so personal that it changes how you feel about her as a whole.
All she had to say though was that although she didn't mean any harm, she at least acknowledges how you'd come to the conclusion that she was being inconsiderate
But she didn't. She completely dismissed your feelings. And she did it in such a logical & philosophical way that you almost started to believe it!
Stick with your guns! You know you! You were asking for a million bucks, you were asking for a simple acknowledgement that she was gonna be late & if not that, to at least acknowledge that her not telling you she was gonna be late, was rude!
Don't become a doormat to her. If she does something wrong, call her on the carpet. If you start walking on egg shells around her whenever she messes up, she will lose respect for you
Would you rather her be a slight bit irritated that you're criticizing her in the moment (which she'll get over 5 minutes later) OR would you rather her lose respect for you b/c you always allow her to get away with things she wouldn't dare let you get away with?!?
If you were asking her never to gain or lose a pound, that'd be a time to say whoa buddy, your expectations are too high!
But you didn't. You asked for consideration & respect for your time, which is a world-wide "expectation." It's not like you're only person who expects for their partner to be considerate. Almost every woman/man walking not only wants that but also EXPECTS that!
Trust me, had you done that to her, she would've been pissed.
*You weren't asking for a million bucks
Yes we can be a bit flaky & sometimes so into our own world, that we forget to acknowledge how our actions or free spirit affects others or is being interpreted in a negative way by others
But that's why it's so important to speak up when we get like that!
Everyone initially gets defensive when they are being criticized! BUT if a person truly cares about you AND if the way you speak up is in a calm, non-argumentative tone, her feelings of respect/love for you will make it so that she puts in the effort to NOT do that to you again
But if you keep avoiding "the talk," she will keep doing it. Then the second you finally do speak up, you'll probably be so mad & explosive b/c you held everything in. And the 1st game of psychology she'll play on you is to make you feel bad for going ham over something so small
And her guilting you in that moment will actually work b/c although you weren't wrong for your initial feelings of disappointment, the way you went about expressing it was wrong!
But that's why it's so important to speak up when we get like that!
Everyone initially gets defensive when they are being criticized! BUT if a person truly cares about you AND if the way you speak up is in a calm, non-argumentative tone, her feelings of respect/love for you will make it so that she puts in the effort to NOT do that to you again
But if you keep avoiding "the talk," she will keep doing it. Then the second you finally do speak up, you'll probably be so mad & explosive b/c you held everything in. And the 1st game of psychology she'll play on you is to make you feel bad for going ham over something so small
And her guilting you in that moment will actually work b/c although you weren't wrong for your initial feelings of disappointment, the way you went about expressing it was wrong!
Yea Truecap as great as her logic sounds and she is right in a very philosophical way, it just did not sit well with me. Honestly i think she is going through pre menopause. She just gets grumpier and she isnt involved with anyone. But i hide those such sentiments from Aquas or Leos or any fixed sign, there is just no way you want to insult them unless you say it offhandedly as a stranger. I just dont want to get on their bad side. I HAVE done it in the past because i am a bullhead Taurus moon but im going max myself out on my mutability and deem trying to change their superiority unworthy. Shes a bit of a bully, an intellectual bully. I love her and she loves people hard but she has lost a few friends along the way that i know of because she is a bit harsh i suppose. I like her strength but I agree with the Cap integrity. That earthy wisdom just calls to me.
Ceu, i suppress feeling... that is correct. That is how i operate these days. "Feelings" that cut to the bone, have almost destroyed me in the past. I hold back and try not to judge and try not to let it be personal, all about me . All i can do is just watch it all unfold and hold back. If i strike though its going to have to be clean because as you can see by my writing things can get messy. I do feel different about different things on different days as well.
Im not dismissive about anything sexual. If i were sexually attracted to her id be sexual with her. There is a dynamic, i am a passive person and she is dominant but there is nothing between us other than friendship. Im too hetero. She on the other hand is probably very lezbo according to our mutual gay guy friend who i think is incredibly perceptive. The only thing dismissive is that i dont even want to think about her sexual preferences. Im not interested.
Ceu, i suppress feeling... that is correct. That is how i operate these days. "Feelings" that cut to the bone, have almost destroyed me in the past. I hold back and try not to judge and try not to let it be personal, all about me . All i can do is just watch it all unfold and hold back. If i strike though its going to have to be clean because as you can see by my writing things can get messy. I do feel different about different things on different days as well.
Im not dismissive about anything sexual. If i were sexually attracted to her id be sexual with her. There is a dynamic, i am a passive person and she is dominant but there is nothing between us other than friendship. Im too hetero. She on the other hand is probably very lezbo according to our mutual gay guy friend who i think is incredibly perceptive. The only thing dismissive is that i dont even want to think about her sexual preferences. Im not interested.
Feb16 you are more like how she thinks. And i can see it that way for sure. It was really more her manner. What she said just came out pissy. i think therein lies the the true problem with respect. Its understandable to not want to draw attention but she was also in retaliation mode.
I like that i can think things out here. Not sure exactly how im going correct this imbalance. I sure would like to see her be vulnerable for once. I just cant do much correcting on her. There simply is just her way. She is usually right about so many things that even when i feel and even know I have a good point or lord forbid, right, i will still be second guessing myself. Aqua just trumps the Pisces if the Pisces gives in.
I like that i can think things out here. Not sure exactly how im going correct this imbalance. I sure would like to see her be vulnerable for once. I just cant do much correcting on her. There simply is just her way. She is usually right about so many things that even when i feel and even know I have a good point or lord forbid, right, i will still be second guessing myself. Aqua just trumps the Pisces if the Pisces gives in.
Posted by krysrenee7
Yes we can be a bit flaky & sometimes so into our own world, that we forget to acknowledge how our actions or free spirit affects others or is being interpreted in a negative way by others
But that's why it's so important to speak up when we get like that!
Everyone initially gets defensive when they are being criticized! BUT if a person truly cares about you AND if the way you speak up is in a calm, non-argumentative tone, her feelings of respect/love for you will make it so that she puts in the effort to NOT do that to you again
But if you keep avoiding "the talk," she will keep doing it. Then the second you finally do speak up, you'll probably be so mad & explosive b/c you held everything in. And the 1st game of psychology she'll play on you is to make you feel bad for going ham over something so small
And her guilting you in that moment will actually work b/c although you weren't wrong for your initial feelings of disappointment, the way you went about expressing it was wrong!
Well that about sums it all up now. I am avoiding the talk. Just need to distance myself enough to let those residual emotions ( oh yea, the suppression has little steam vents)die. Once that is all gone away i can speak clearly. Thats how i try to do everything now.I just need time. Luckily Aquas seem to have all the time in the world.
Posted by krysrenee7
Everyone initially gets defensive when they are being criticized! BUT if a person truly cares about you AND if the way you speak up is in a calm, non-argumentative tone, her feelings of respect/love for you will make it so that she puts in the effort to NOT do that to you again
This, I believe is correct. You can say it kindly, but firmly and she'll get the message. From my experience, when an aqua puts the effort in to correct something they've been called out on, that is their way of showing they respect you and care for you.
Posted by krysrenee7
But if you keep avoiding "the talk," she will keep doing it. Then the second you finally do speak up, you'll probably be so mad & explosive b/c you held everything in. And the 1st game of psychology she'll play on you is to make you feel bad for going ham over something so smallclick to expand
I used to be like this. Trying not to make waves, keeping the peace, keeping things happy. People would think I didn't care how they treated me and continue to keep walking all over me. Then, I would get enough and be so explosive over something very minor that it made me look like the crazy one. They'd be "she got mad over THAT?" not realizing it was the final straw. My New Years Resolution one year was to speak up for myself. Now, before I get mad and upset about something, I speak up when it first happens and address the issue. Nip it in the bud. People seem to respect me more now and treat me a whole lot better and are way more considerate.
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