FWB...now just friends....

Some of you may remember me from the boards a few months ago. I was involved with an aqua guy, for 9 months....many of you told me to be careful about an fwb type of situation...and unfortunately, I didn't listen! I should have listened to my heart, but I didn't. We were friends, hanging out, having fun, but of course I was falling in love with this aqua, who had clearly stated he wasn't ready for a relationship. I never pressured him into having one, but deep down I was hoping it would lead to something more. So this went on, and on...some times, he was misleading, by telling me we were exclusive and he liked me, etc...but in the end, he just wasn't ready, and even though I didn't say it, he could sense me becoming closer and more involved emotionally. So, we decided to just be friends about a month ago. When things were goign good between us, he asked me to be his date to a wedding out of town. AFter we ended things, he still really wanted me to attend, but I was scared to because of how strongly I felt about him, at the same time maintaining a friendship has been important to me. He called and made an effort before the wedding, and we ended up going to it and having an amazing time. We danced all night, and had fun- with no hooking up (a little cuddling was involved since we were in same hotel room, etc...) but no hooking up. He told me that our friendship mattered to him and he didn't want us to go back to those days of hooking up....he didn't want to hurt me. About a week goes by, and he told everyone we work with what a great time he had (he dances like a complete fool btw, but of course I didn't mind because I like him..and accept him for his goofiness). Then he asked me to a movie, so I went. That night, we talked all night about our feelings, and for the first time in almost 10 months, he told me that he missed me,and realized at the wedding that he may have made a mistake in ending things between us. He said that he had no idea why he did end things, but that he did know the situation wasn't fair to me. He said it was hard for him to hang out with me and not want more, but that he wanted to continue to be friends because he likes spending time with me. He did finally admit that he thinks he has commitment issues, and is not sure where they come from. (i have spent an extensive amount of time analyzing why myself, but of course didn't share that with him...but his father cheats on his mother constantly, and his first gf, which he

did admit to, made his life a living hell the last year or two of their relatinoship, that was 4.5 years ago, and he has never been involved with any other girl more than 4 months since...) anyways, so I spent the night again, but didn't "hook up"...I realize even kissing and making out is crossing boundaries and is not very clear...but I think this was our way of dealing with it all...

So, we talked about the possiblity of dating again, but I told him that I didn't want him to get involved with somethign he wasn't ready for...and he pretty much agreed even though I think he was contemplating it...he knows he can't give me more right now...or anyone for that matter. So I left it alone. Since then (that was two weeks ago)...we've text messaged more, and hung out twice for drinks (just as friends). I am actually ok with the way our friendship is going, because we truly enjoy eachother's company. My question is, has anyone out there experienced this with their aqua before? 10 mths of a non-labeled relationship, and now, go from fwb to friends? Is this a true friendship? or does he want more but just isn't ready to give more? I think he was not ok with the hooking up, and neither was I- because I just lied to myself to tell myself I was ok. The truth is, I really like hanging out without the pressure and complications of sex...and I'd like to see where this friendship leads too...I know he still cares, and still enjoys my company...Do aquas ever come back? When they are ready? I am not sitting here hoping that things will happen, but I'm curious as to where our frienship might lead too...and I'm enjoying him as a friend. I love that I can call him up and be myself with him, but I also don't want him to completely put us in the friendzone!! any thoughts?

I almost feel like the only chance for anything to possibly develop again in the future is through being "just friends" with him. He is severely scared of relationships...he has never been successful in them, and he is finally beginning to see that he may actually have commitment issues, I think he's starting to get himself...something just tells me, that there is NO hope for this aqua, at least not for another few years...he's only 24 and has major issues with relatinships. He had one with his high school gf, which lasted only unti his first year in college. He's in grad school now, with one year left and our "relationship" is the longest he's ever had with any girl since. I realize it's not just about the length of time you spend with someone, it's the quality and depth of that relatinoship, and him and i seem to have a very deep connection and chemistry. But the fear that he'll lose all independence (even though he's admitted I've never tried to take that away from him) seems to be so deeply embedded in him that I just think I might be safer distancing myself from him a bit. Or at least I should be very honest with myself and not hold out any hope...

one more thing..since we've been just "friends", he has made some confusing comments...when we were dating, he asked me to go on vacation with to FL, but of course...never brought it up again after we ended things. When we hung out this weekend though, I mentioned how jealous I was that he was going on vacay for 3 weeks, and he said "why dont' you come, I have the condo to myself the last week"....I just didn't say anything because I felt awkward...but why would he ask me to go on that trip with him again? I know he wants to be with me but doesn't know how, and doesn't want to fail at it...but shouldn't he realize that making proposals like that are kind of contradictory to this whole "friend" idea.

Bijou, 7 mths into our relatinship, we finally termed it as "dating"...he backed off immediately, within 2 weeks of labelign us as exclusively dating, he got scared! he didn't give me a reason why, he just told me he didn't look at things the same. Then, after 3 weeks of being broken up, he and I attended a wedding together. He realized he liked me and thaT I accept him for who he is, but he also realized that he is afraid of relatinoships...this is the first time in his dating life that he has verbalized and tried to understand his issues with relationships. I asked him 2 weeks ago when we went to the movie, and talked all night long...the problem is, our connection is too much for him. I believe he is scared as hell of it, it's deep, it's emotional, it's intellectuall..and I won't even get into the sex part. That's a whole different level of greatness! Everything is ideal for a relationship to work out, mutual respect...etc... He's scared he'll screw up, and I think part of him likes the chase so much that once he knows he's "involved" he knows he'll lose interest. I asked him that night, he said he didn't know what to do, he said he wants to be wtih me, but being in grad school, he still feels like a college student. He looks at his life and only sees himself being in a relationship when he graduates...I don't want to push it. I told him he could always take a risk, and see what happens...but he's not ready for that right now. And my heart was broken when he ended things with me, I didn't eat, didn't sleep for 3 weeks...until finally I accpeted the friendship...I dno't know if my heart can handle hurt again...if he wants to be with me again in the future, he is going to have to have to be very sure of what he wants. I can't actively chase after it. BUt I do like staying friends, unfortunatley, from what I've read...aquas sometimes can stay friends forever!!!

Thanks UC, you're right...a lot of friends have been suggesting that I go out and meet other guys...and actually try "dating"...I never have...previous relationships were all good friends let that to more serious relationships...I think it might be time to get over my fears of dating- and really put myself out there...if something comes of me and this aqua...it will have to be after I give other people a chance...wanted to say congrats on your progress in your own relationship....I hope all works out with the tough decision you are faced with on moving in! Thanks🙂