help with Aquarius boyfriend

Been with him for 9 months. Started very slow. Talked for almost 2 months before meeting, maybe once a week. It was casual and yes a fwb. I went out of town and I could tell something had changed with him. He blew up my phone saying I miss you when are you coming home...every night.

Went on a date in the fourth month...very first date after a couple months of fwb. Dinner drinks and good times. The best night ever. He text me a few days later asking me to start dating...saying I was attractive.I agreed.

The next date was a few weeks later. Again after that date I get a text...I have thought about some things and I really want you to be my girlfriend.

Things were good...the energy was amazing. He left for 2 months for a trip. He stayed in contact and the energy was through the roof. He text me when he could.Had to come home for a day and wanted to hang out. Was texting me how much he missed me. Then he text me and said I have had time to think and when I get back I think we should work on being in a relationship I really want to be with you. I was floored.

He texts me a couple days before he came home and said I am coming home Saturday and I really want you to be mine. We hung out...and talked about his trip.

Then things over the next month or so..started to slow down...it was a month since seeing him. I asked for suggestions as to how we could see each other more..and he said he would make time. Well..its seems we have gone back to how things were in the beginning.


So a few weeks ago I flipped out. I said you wanted a relationship but it doesn't feel any different. I am tired of being a secret your family has no clue about me..and only 2 friends know of me. When I am there his parents will call...no mention of me. They were coming by the other night and he made sure I was gone before they got there.

He only allows us to see each other for a couple hours. We were seeing each other on the weekends and I was staying the night...but he says he has his son on the weekends.

Things were amazing and now its back to a fwb thing. But there are some differences. Now we talk and talk when we are together...about everything. Never in the past it was always do our thing and he would rush me out the door. Now he opens up...he showed interest in my life and what I am doing. He has told me about his past relationships and even vents to me about his sons Mom.

After I broke it off with him I apologized..and he came back. He texts me a couple days

Later and said meet me after work..it was NYE. We had a few drinks and cuddled...he said see it doesn't always have to be about sex. We feel asleep on the couch. He was holding me and woke up with a big smile on his face. Then his parents were coming to meet him to head to a family party. We kissed and wished each other happy new year. Text each other again at midnight.

I get the mixed signals things..but wow. I would appreciate any advice.

He is capable of ltr's he was married and has had 2 relationships since lasting 4 years each. The last one moved out of state. There was a 6 month period before me. He is 42 and I am 9 years younger.

I just don't know how to talk to him about what he wants.

My gut tells me there might be others..but then I don't know. I have made comments about not locking his door and he said who is going to come over. I leave stuff there and its no big deal. But I have noticed he is secretive with his cell phone. So confused. Also we have broken it off 3 x in 9 months. 2 him and 1 me. He always comes back to me...which I know is their trademark.

I have done so much research on them..but yet I can't figure this out.

Thanks for your opinion. I would agree.

I agree with you on most things and yes you have made some very valid points.

Thanks for your advice.

I have become a lot stronger and more patient no doubt. I will admit though when I start over thinking it gets the best of me. As most aquarius men...he is addicting.

Any advice on how to talk to him or what to say?? Do I just lay everything out on the table??

I have just always rattled off about what was wrong. Never asked him..because I would bottle of up.

The other thing like most Aquas..he is always so busy. Then he either has his son or doesn't feel like doing anything. Now he does work 10 to 14 hour days. But never does anything. He is definitely the house hermit Aquarius...doesn't even see his friends much.

Lol

it's nice to hear that women take their "power" back. they aren't delegated to being 'nothing' in these men's eyes.

Down with the fwb, ladies. Don't take 2nd best. Don't be 2nd best.

When you're dealing with these "types" Of men.


OP, please NO fwb. You're better than that.

He does see her. But she is remarried with 3 kids. She has him through the week so he has him almost every weekend.

I call him at random times..he always answers. He gave me his home number too...which only his family has. That's why it doesn't make sense.

As of now we have seen each other 2 times in a week. But like I said..he has his 13 year old son every weekend.

Its just a confusing mess. The hardest part for me is we have so many common interests..but he won't give me the chance to show him how much fun we could be. Its like he is afraid.

But he is always laughing at me saying you are funny. We have a ton of inside jokes. He is just fun to be around. He looks me up and down. He takes everything in. But its like if I say let's do this or that..won't happen. If I say wow that date was so much fun..thank you. Never again. Weird.

I have asked him several times in the past if his parents ever ask him if he dates and he says no they never ask. Facebook profile is single. I have no clue.

Sorry I am babbling..just trying to put it all out there. Thank you so much. I feeling much better.

All I can add is if he's not willing to cough up the time for a relationship, then no cookie for him. Don't settle for less than what you want. YOU are in control of the type of relationshp you have. If you don't want a relationship that goes this way, be honest with him, tell him your boundaries, then SHOW him your boundaries and be willing to walk away.

Take the power. You are treated the way you allow others to treat you. Don't let someone treat you the way you don't want to be treated.

The power is you CAN walk away. If he really loves you, he will do whatever it takes to keep you from walking away. If he's willing to let you walk, then he doesn't care enough for you and that's plenty of reason to walk away.

Don't waste time on meaningless relationships.

Respect the time with the kid. It sucks sharing, but his kid needs to come first. Teenage boys NEED time with their dads. If you can't work around the kid, you will lose him fast. Perhaps, this is what's happening?

personally you really need to just leave him alone. You're an "enabler". I'm sorry to say. You allow him this kind of attitude and therefore, he will continue to be this way. You already have these suspicions of him but you continue to be around him no matter what. You complain about him, yet still want him. Honestly, it's very confusing.

Realize, I'm not telling you to walk away, but you do need to set some boundaries. It could be that the kid is coming first, and that is appropriate. He will observe how you handle obstacles and how willing you are to cooperate. But, all in all, if you feel he has other women, or doesn't feel it for you, or takes you for granted, or any of that stuff, just know you CAN walk. That's all I meant to say, just wasn't sure the point got across the way I intended.

well she's here complaining about him, so obviously she wants some resolution and help. She still wants him even though he sounds like an ass.

if he can't be upfront with her, and just stay monogamonous with her --- then she needs to move on.

You can't "force" or "make" a man do anything they do NOT want to do. You cannot!

there are some men who will bend over backwards for a woman, but this guy sounds like he won't do it.

It might be for another type of woman but for her, i dont think so. Just something that I'm reading.

I have always respected his time with his son. I never ever infringed on that nor would I.

When he has him..I don't even call or text him. I know how important that is. He has called me when he was around.

I agree not to be in a meaningless relationship. We have broken it off 3 times. He basically has come crawling back and has been stronger. A few weeks ago I broke it off with him and we talked. I said I had a lot on my plate and he said well you just should've talked to me. He asked what things were going on and I told him.

I have always respected his time with his son. I never ever infringed on that nor would I.

When he has him..I don't even call or text him. I know how important that is. He has called me when he was around.

I agree not to be in a meaningless relationship. We have broken it off 3 times. He basically has come crawling back and has been stronger. A few weeks ago I broke it off with him and we talked. I said I had a lot on my plate and he said well you just should've talked to me. He asked what things were going on and I told him.

Posted by ex2mommy
I have always respected his time with his son. I never ever infringed on that nor would I.

When he has him..I don't even call or text him. I know how important that is. He has called me when he was around.

I agree not to be in a meaningless relationship. We have broken it off 3 times. He basically has come crawling back and has been stronger. A few weeks ago I broke it off with him and we talked. I said I had a lot on my plate and he said well you just should've talked to me. He asked what things were going on and I told him.

Doesn't matter. It's wonderful you respect his family, his son, ect.

But what matters is that he wants YOU. If he can't do that. Move on. You cannot make a man do anything!

Like i said, there are men out there that will bend over backwards, will make you happy and do things for you. There are PLENTY out there. the one you're talking about will NOT do anything he does not want to do. If he is skulking around and avoiding you, he probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings. he probably LIKES the fact that you're "available" and give him energy.

But it's not the true meaning of a relationship. he NEEDS to want you as much as you WANT him.

Not because he is afraid of being alone, afraid of commitment. You cannot make a man go against his will. He will have to WANT to be with you, exclusively.

Yes I agree I have enabled it to go the way that it has.

I basically wanted those of you who have been there or are fellow Aquas to give me some insight. Basically to help me figure out what is going on here.

I agree that boundaries need to be set and more importantly a heart to heart talk no matter what.

You are so right if he cares...then he needs to know where I stand after all these months.

Frankly, I'm on my third aqua. (that sounds bad, but I just mentioned it to let you know that I have experience with them). The first two I walked away from for the similar reasons.

The first one, I only let one come back and after the second time I was done with him, not coldly, but I just didn't want to deal with his indecisiveness anymore. He was a good guy, but couldn't decide what he wanted.

The second one was more like your guy in that he didn't want commitment and only wanted FWB. I wasn't willing and I told him that wasn't good enough and walked.

I am still friends with both of them, though I rarely see them. They're good people, just not what I wanted. I know to this day, I could call them each if I were in trouble and they would come help me and vice versa.

Note: Those relationships didn't last long romantically (maybe a few months) because I wasn't going to settle for less.

Now, this guy I'm with now, I have been with for almost two years. He is my love, my rock, my best friend, you name it. Had I not walked away from those other two, I wouldn't have met him and wouldn't have had a chance to be this happy.

So, decide what you're willing to put up with. That's all I'm saying.

Posted by ex2mommy
Yes I agree I have enabled it to go the way that it has.

I basically wanted those of you who have been there or are fellow Aquas to give me some insight. Basically to help me figure out what is going on here.

I agree that boundaries need to be set and more importantly a heart to heart talk no matter what.

You are so right if he cares...then he needs to know where I stand after all these months.

When you do talk to him, remain calm and rational. If you get emotional, he will stop listening. Talk about more what YOU want/need/like and don't mention what he does or doesn't do. It's not an opportunity to tell him what he's doing wrong - he will just shut down. So keep it about you and just calmly state it and ask if that is something he is interested in doing.

Cool..thanks for the info. I really appreciate all the input everyone has offered. This is my first aqua exp...I am one as well..but more the emotional type.

When I look at the whole picture...we have come far in terms of friendship. We talk way more then ever he has opened up about his faults in the past..yada yada. That's what I see. He does seem to care..just not enough. He hugs and kisses me goodbye.. holds the door for me...walks me to my car. Asks me to text him when I get home because we live an hour away. But his actions say differently.

But then when I think about him not wanting to go out and keeping me a secret..it makes me think too much and that he doesn't appreciate me as much as I need him too.

At this point I am processing everything that each and every one of you have said and I know that next time we see each other we have to have a talk. His actions have to start matching his words.

There are several red flags in this story:

1. He went from zero to 100. He went from you being just an option to suddenly you being his top #1 priority even though nothing special had happened to make sense of his sudden change

2. Your gut is telling you that there is someone else

3. He keeps you a secret from his family & his friends.

4. He's proclaiming to be single on Facebook...this is relevant b/c facebook is where all of his family and friends are...Him claiming he's single to the world is yet another avenue for which he's hiding you

5. Yes, he's busy like everybody else in America, but he's not willing to make the time for you. He has the same 24 hours in a day that we all have. It's not that he doesn't have the time. He's choosing not to make the time. Big difference

6. The only thing he's put effort into is getting you to agree to be official. That was 1 moment & only 1 fraction of the entire relationship/friendship. Before you got the title, you got the minimum from him AND after you got the title, you're still only getting the minimum.

7. This guy is not acknowledging how his actions (and lack thereof) are hurting & affecting you & is doing nothing to give you reassurance, clarity or security in the relationship.

He's hiding something. BIG TIME.

I agree..SOMETHING HUGE...as to what..not sure. Could he be hiding from his emotions— I really don't know...not sure I will ever know. There are too many things involved and not enough answers. I will keep you all posted after our talk. But wondering if its worth it..ya know.

Posted by ex2mommy
I agree..SOMETHING HUGE...as to what..not sure. Could he be hiding from his emotions— I really don't know...not sure I will ever know. There are too many things involved and not enough answers. I will keep you all posted after our talk. But wondering if its worth it..ya know.

My personal opinion is that it's not him hiding from his emotions. I know you maybe would like to believe that the real answer is that he's madly in love with you but just has troubles professing/showing it, but I think that's just something women tell themselves sometimes as a shield to protect what they deep down know to be, which is that the guy is turning out to be nothing like they thought & therefore is crashing her fantasies & ideals about him & the potential of what they could've had together.

I think a few things are going on

I think he has somebody else & I think the reason his family isn't curious about his dating life is b/c they already know his partner OR know that he's living the single bachelor life.

If the only thing that gives you confidence is that you technically have his house phone number, that is concerning & sets off alarm bells! You're in trouble if that's the only indication that he's being faithful to you. There should 1,000 indications that you're his 1 & only, not just 1. And technically you having his house phone # means nothing b/c some mistresses have even bigger access to a man than that...they have his phone, credit cards, have been in his house, etc.

Well the talk is def. worth it. If anything, pay attention to his responses.

Get everything out on the table.

If we are wrong about this guy, then it wouldn't be fair for you to talk about being disappointed with the lack of communication/effort if you yourself are struggling to communicate what's truly going on inside of your thoughts/mind too.

Suffering in silence is just about as hurtful to the soul as finding out the horrible truth does.

Communication is not just talking when the convo is light, airy & good. Couples survive when they find ways to talk it out & talk it through during those intense uncomfortable conversations.

So if this guy turns out to be right for you, the worst thing you can do is be the 50% party in the relationship that is starving the relationship of such a required thing (communication). Your fears about what is really going on are powerful & hurtful enough that you shouldn't even have any worries about talking to him about it b/c your imagination has already braced for the worst. So just get it over with.

Watch his body language. Watch his responses. Watch his explanations. If you have good judgment, & are able to put your emotions to the side & allow logic to take the lead during your "talk" then you'll most likely get all the answers you need. But when you do have the talk, actually listen. Don't hear what you wanna hear. LISTEN.

He'll either shrug off your concerns (huge red flag & bigger indication that you're not that important to him/he's hiding something) or he'll make excuses (huge red flag & indication that you shouldn't be looking forward to anything changing) OR he'll fully acknowledge it, apologize, promise to do better & lay out a plan of action for which he can successfully accomplish that.

I highly doubt #3 will happen though. It might, but I highly doubt it. There's too many red flags here

if I was honest myself and all of you...I have questioned a lot about how much he really has his son.

I think its a cover..again for what I don't know. If he texts its always his son.

The other major red flag..he has picture of this kid up to 3 and when I ask to see a recent...I don't have any...but they are that close!?!?! So that's everything.

Posted by ex2mommy
if I was honest myself and all of you...I have questioned a lot about how much he really has his son.

I think its a cover..again for what I don't know. If he texts its always his son.

The other major red flag..he has picture of this kid up to 3 and when I ask to see a recent...I don't have any...but they are that close!?!?! So that's everything.

Oh wow. Yeah something is def. going on. Something is def. wrong

Every father who is that close to their children not only has bundles of pictures showcasing every year/milestone of their children's life, but ALSO are delighted to share those pictures with others, especially those they care about.

It's 1 thing to not feel comfortable or ready for someone to meet your child yet. It's another to hide or refuse pictures. That's probably the BIGGEST red flag of all.

No I take that back. The biggest red flag of all is that your intuition is telling you that this guy is hiding something. This is the moment when most women look back in hindsight & regret. They look back & realize that their intuition/gut/instincts were telling them to run & regret not running b/c they were so obsessed with not losing the fantasy & ideal of who they wanted/thought him to be.

The ability women have to intentionally put on denial glasses when it's most convenient & comfortable for them is perhaps 1 of the most dangerous abilities we as women have.

I think you know what's up. You know deep down. But you're fighting it & questioning it, not b/c there's not enough evidence, but b/c you're struggling to make sense of the fact that this man who might really be the enemy, swept you off your feet. You don't wanna let that go. Most don't so that's understandable.

BUT remember that he's taking up time that you'll NEVER get back. Have this talk with him immediately. I'm almost sure he's gonna deny everything, try to play reverse psychology & make you think that you're just being crazy/insecure. Most guys who showcase that many red flags usually use that trick to slide by. Don't fall for it. Pay attention

I feel that the best thing to do is to lay it all out...and I mean all of it.

He can say what he wants but his actions are going to prove his true intentions.

Again...thank you all..you have really opened my eyes to the whole thing.

Thank you

Yes he has about 5 pictures up throughout his house..again only to about age 3. He is 13.

But he is always running to get him or at a football game..or whatever. He showed me his gas remote control car the other day..explained the story of his ex not wanting to put money into it..blah blah blah.

You can tell he is very involved...which is good..but why no recent pics

So..I have no clue what to think...guess its time to stop thinking and start talking.

Posted by ex2mommy
Yes he has about 5 pictures up throughout his house..again only to about age 3. He is 13.

But he is always running to get him or at a football game..or whatever. He showed me his gas remote control car the other day..explained the story of his ex not wanting to put money into it..blah blah blah.

You can tell he is very involved...which is good..but why no recent pics

So..I have no clue what to think...guess its time to stop thinking and start talking.

Recent pics is not something to go on. Yes, in a perfect world he should have up to date pictures, but I know lots of "men" who don't have those recent pics and it doesn't mean that much really.

Again...I appreciate all of the advice.

As you can see I have been doing lots of thinking for a long time before trying to figure out if it might be worth it.

Maybe even over thinking. I guess I am trying to make sense of the whole thing...but until I talk to him...I won't know.

@Aquapisces: I'm sorry but I disagree. STRONGLY DISAGREE! There is nothing realistic about a man not having any recent pics from 3 to 13 years. That's a 10 year gap. Unrealistic! A 1 or even 3 year gap is 1 thing, but not 10 whole years.

Especially if he's an involved father. Especially since we live in the age of people videotaping & taking pictures of everything! No way!

@ex2mommy: I think you're doing the right thing. I think the real truth is exactly what you think it is deep down.

I think this guy is either still (or recently) married or has another partner & is just using his son as his coverup for where he's really going all of those times.

Of course you're over-analyzing. You're a woman LOL. It's typical for some women to use over-analyzing as a tool & defense mechanism as a means of overcrowding their mind so that their worst fears about a man aren't the only thoughts in her head. It's easier to escape those red flags & warning bells and the gut-wrenching feeling they bring when you allow your imagination to run wild & jump all over the place.

Go ahead & embrace the fact that you may never get your proof. You may never find out the truth. The only "confirmation" you may get that he's not worth it is the instincts & warning bells going on within you. If there is another woman, he probably won't suddenly become an honest person & tell you. Hell if he was an honest person, there wouldn't be another woman to begin with lol. You can observe his actions all you want, but it still won't bring confirmation or proof to anything b/c there will always be 1,000 different ways a person can interpret 1 action.

Unless he is that 1% guy who will finally break down & keep it 100% real with you, 9 times out of 10, the factor for which you stay or leave will most likely depend on whether or not you're willing to take the risk to trust your instincts/intuition. I think you already know that you can't afford to turn your back on yourself, though.

I can't turn my back on myself at this point. I have to be honest with myself even if he isn't. Especially since its quickly approaching a year with him.

I probably won't get to talk to him until sometime next week.

Basically key points are going to be..the reasons why I am a secret..why things are regressing...the fact that we never go out and that he doesn't want to be seen with me...and of course if he is with someone else. I will bring up the reasons why I feel the way I do. If he denies being with anyone else..I am going to say..I am sure if I looked through your phone there would be a totally different story on the screen. However...I don't think he is married actually he has told me several times he has been divorced for 15 years. We have talked a lot about our past relationships.

I am ready to walk if he can't be honest. If he isn't willing to SHOW me long term..I am done. In his typical fashion he will do something once..to hook me..or so he thinks...but not this time.

I have to agree..if he can't make time for me on the weekends...I am not going to be his weekday girl any longer. Everyone is busy..he just refuses to make time. I have made it way to easy for him and he is either going to step up or I am gone.

I am just tired of the excuses..oh I am too busy..oh I have my son..I am just too tired to do anything when the weekends roll around. I have heard it all...and he even told me months ago..that this is his "slow" time. Because his son isn't in sports...yet...doesn't have time.

Be careful you keep it all about you and your thoughts and feelings and your wants and desires. Don't make it about what he's doing wrong.

Men shut down when they feel like you're finding faults with everything they do. Would't anyone? Men want to make women happy, and if you're sitting there telling them they're not making you happy, then naturally, they will think nothing they do will make you happy, so they will think you're just incapable of being made happy and they will give up.

I hope that makes sense. Just think about how you're going to approach it and consider your words and how you would feel if someone said those things to you and how would you react to them. That will help you find the right words and the right approach.

Well if you feel that he's being dishonest with you about things, don't count out all possibilities. If he'd lie about having another girlfriend, he's also lie about being married. I'm not telling you to believe he's married lol just saying that when you start discovering that someone is not an honest person, you can't conveniently count out all possibilities of what they could be lying about just b/c it protects what you don't want to believe.

Each time you respond to this post, you add in another red flag that you hadn't mentioned before!! Him not wanting to be seen with you in public or take you anywhere is the biggest clue & red flag that he's probably got someone else.

I think some women get confused sometimes & don't wanna believe a man is playing them since it doesn't make sense that he would give the title to a woman he never intended on doing right by. The stigma in society is that if he gives you the title, he must be serious about you. HA! Tell that to all the people who are now divorced now b/c the ring/marriage didn't mean a thing!!!

There is nothing uncommon about a married man being in a relationship with his mistress, nor is there anything uncommon about a man having more than 1 girlfriend.

You'll know when a man is ready to make a serious commitment to you. NOT b/c of the title, but by his actions & his visible effort he puts in. There's something about you that he likes & wants to keep around. It could be that your sex is amazing or that you're eye candy (a trophy), BUT something in HIM (not you) is encouraging him to be greedy & make him believe that you are not enough

Men aren't stupid. They know that women like to be taken out, treated like queens & tended to. They know that. But sometimes when a man is trying to juggle multiple women, he's bound to start slacking in at least 1 of the relationships b/c a man can only spread himself so thin.

Again, this is all just speculation & just my opinion on the likely thing that's secretly going on. I'm a firm believer in calling a spade a spade. If it looks like a duck, walks like a tuck, & quacks like a duck, it's probably exactly what you think it is: a F'ing duck! It's noble to wanna give the other person the benefit of the doubt but it's also just as noble to give your intuition the benefit of the doubt, especially considering it's never been wrong & has lied to you a lot less times than other people have!

I did talk about it..there are just so many posts..Lol.

Yes in 9 months we have been out 3 times. I have spent the night with him 3 times. That was when he was in his 0 to 100 mode with me. When things felt like they were going somehwere.

I do think he cares and there is something between us..just not enough and too many questions left unanswered.

He wouldn't respond to a few texts...and when I ignored him..he flipped out. In 5 hours...I had 8 texts and 6 calls. Him asking me if he should leave me alone...blah blah blah.

That's the point of bringing up the Facebook status as SINGLE. If he was married it would at least say that...especially with family and friends on there. But single is just another good cover...ya know.

As soon as I get a chance to speak to him face to face...I will let you know.

I basically have it figured out what I am going to say.

Basically bring up the fun times we had and how hot he seemed to be for me and that it felt good and now I feel we are back to where we started.

Also going to express what I need and want. I want something more..someone who wants to be proud to be seen with me...I am not smack..trust me. Someone who wants to include me in his life with family and friends as I want someone to be a part of my life and my boys. Spring and summer are around the corner and the fact that the way things are going to work because I am active and want to do things.

Then...I am going to say...I know you are a great dad and very involved...and I would never take that away from you or anyone..but I can't help but feel that sometimes you use that as a cover...mostly on the weekends and with your phone. I will give examples if need be. I am also going to say that if you can't be honest with me...since we both know what's going on here...then I am going to go with my intuition and say goodbye.

I am not going to make you do anything you don't want to do..but I am not going to settle either. If you want it to work..you need to show me.

Good for you!!

Make sure though that you don't preach about having a bunch of boundaries/standards/expectations but then go back & not enforce them; that'll be a huge mistake & a recipe for him to continue wasting your time. He may not respond at all or at least not the way you want him to. Then what?

I will start the conversation out by saying...can you help me figure something out...(you know aquas love that)...what exactly is going on with us— He will prob say well we are trying..typical for him. Then I am going to ask...trying for what??

I am going to bring up the points I mentioned. Instead of I need...I am going to ask questions...why am I a secret after 9 months...why don't you want to go out and be seen with me...if he says...I am just too busy or I don't have time...I am going to say...is it because you are more serious with someone else or have someone else that you don't have time?? If he denies it...I am going to simply say well I have reasons to believe differently. At that point I am going to bring up things I have noticed..I.e. phone and situations with it.

At that point if he does admit it..not really sure what I will say or do. But I know for sure I don't want any part of it...he would prob say well we never said exclusive.

If he denies it...then I am going to say then if you want a relationship.. I want validation. That means family and friends...and you need to prove that this is what you want. If you can't do that then I know there is more going on and I am done.

I am ready to be calm and rational...and not going to accept any bs...he thinks he has been playing me for a fool...when all I have done for months is analyze the situation..and collect the info i need...and its not happening anymore.

I just need to take a more direct approach and ask flat out questions...and be a step ahead of him.

Final answer...and I will post an update as soon as I get face to face with him.

Yes!!! YESSS!!! And more YESSS!!!

Use the direct approach. Direct doesn't = disrespect. Just get to the bottom of it. There's no need for a buttered up speech leading to the main course. This has gone on long enough. Just flat out ask him.

Of course be calm, & respectful, but nonetheless, remember that what YOU want, what YOU need to know & what YOU have to say is important in this relationship too. And you'll be so mad at yourself if you beat around the bush with him, only to wish later that you could've just gotten all the answers you needed had you just been blunt.

If he's a standup guy, he'll respect that you didn't take him through unnecessary streets & lakes just to get to the nitty gritty of what you were trying to say, anyways.

Good luck! I'll be watching for updates!

Well no new updates..havent seen or talked to him all week. So either he is in jerk mode or whatever.

Really bummed out today because I need to get this off my chest.

Debating on whether to just shoot him a text...

Saying I am done...you obviously aren't interested. Blah blah


Thoughts—??

Maybe say you are getting the impression that he isn't interested so you are considering walking away.
= Direct. Not pissed. Not accusing. Standing up for yourself. Gives him a chance to speak.opens communication.

I would say it that way because I would be curious about how he would respond.

Oooh good one.Wish o would've seen it earlier.

I did text him...I said haven't heard much from you...hope everything is OK. Look...the whole fwb isn't working for me anymore. I am wanting more at this point.
Three months ago you said you wanted a relationship and you wanted me to be your girlfriend and you really want to be with me...clearly that is not what is going on here. No calls, no texts, and no weekends.and still a secret...sorry I am over it.
I have to be honest with myself that after 9 months you don't want to be more with me. It was fun..thanks for the memories.

No reply in over 4 hours.Knowing him he will process it for a few days.

Not bad. Very mature sounding.

He may not have seen it yet or might be processing the information.

Posted by mindofaquarius
pouring sugar on sh!t doesn't make it a brownie.

This just won best advise award in my eyes 😛

She has awesome advise...


@truecap... thanks...have read lots of what you have written on here...great advise!!!

Still nothing...we will see.

He is probably waiting me out or truly done...either way..if or when he comes back...things need to change and boundaries set.

Personally...that's the first time I have called him out on his bs. He is either saying oh sheet...or he is trying to figure out how to fix it...or he is truly done.

Either way....he needs to man up...and yes he will beg...I truly think he will be back in his own time. But this girl isn't waiting around. 🙂

Ten days..no contact since I broke it off with him.

Yes I am missing him..but deserve much better :/

How are you all doing?? Staying warm I hope 😉

Well...he contacted me tonight. We have had no contact for 12 days..but who is counting. 😉

Simply just asked what I was up to..I haven't responded yet 😉

See why this is so confusing... this is our 5th breakup and he comes back. I mean the guy has to like me right...why would he bother.

I guess it is time to make things on my terms....and have a long talk before going anywhere.

Any ideas in how to do that..please help!!!

@mindofaquarius...you are hilarious. Oh boy is right 😉

He text me a few times over the weekend..and has text me the last two days..even invited me out last night..I declined.

I am playing hard to get. First and foremost..if he is going to be this persistent then he can be in getting me back for the right reasons.

First and foremost a talk...yes yes yes I agree!!! He will know where I stand and what I want. If he can't do it...well...see ya. This will really be the first time we TALK...and then back to the basics of dating and NO benefits. He will not see me through the week anymore...only weekends..until he can show me that he can do that then maybe both.

I am a step a head of him ..he is buttering me up for something...just not sure what. I have a feeling he may ask me out this weekend..I am not hanging at his place. Its a date or no deal.

He will do things on my terms if he is going to beg for me back like he has been. Oh and it does feel good..not sure of his intentions yet.

I am just being lax about it...if he wants to be with me he is going to SHOW me..no more games.

OK...so here is the update.

After the breakup...I initiated no contact. I know it works for him...he takes time to process things...

So I have been playing it cool..he has asked me out several times...I explained to him my concerns...

So finally he said let's go out..I finally said yes and we are going to talk.

Went out for dinner and drinks...I explained to him EVERYTHING...he did admit he had been seeing someone and that they are done...which.. the signs are there she is gone. He said we never agreed to be exclusive and I agreed...he said I thought you were dating others also.

I told him straight up that he needs to shit or get off the pot. I said every time we have broken out off you come back..why— He said I like you but I am scared I have been burned...well I am not going to pay for your burns. As a typical Aquarius...he said please do not pressure me or I will go the other way...I asked him have I ever?!?! He said no not once. I told him I knew all along that he was seeing someone and what not.

I said we don't need to rush things...but the benefits part is over for me. Well...we talked all night until the wee hours of the morning....and he didn't get the benefits...I said I am not going to be your go to girl...our birthdays are within the next few days and he invited me to his party to meet his family and friends...FINALLY.


I told he will prove to me what he wants..so far he is moving forward.

I set boundaries and will follow them.

I am so glad for all of your input.. you all are great!!!!

Good for you ex2mommy!! Stick to your guns. It's good yall had this talk.

Worse case scenario? He might be the best friend you could ever hope for.
Best case scenario? He comes around to your way of thinking. Now he knows he can't treat you like that and get away with it. He will have more respect for you. Now you can build the friendship.

Reading back through this thread, I realize how hindsight really is 20/20. All the signs were there. You sensed he was hiding something and he was - he was seeing someone else. Thus the reason his weekends were busy, the reason he didn't want to go out in public, the reason he didn't introduce you to friends and family.

Now, he is single. NOW, he wants to go out and bring you around family.

Just beware!!! I don't want to hurt your feelings, but beware that you were 2nd choice to whomever this other girl was. Now she's out of the picture, he seems like he wants to make you a priority. Just be cautious. If he happens to meet someone else, would he make you 2nd choice again or will you remain 1st choice? Something to watch for and wait and see about.

Doesn't mean that is going to happen, but it is something to watch for.

Keep to your guns on the no sex for a while so you can really be objective and can determine whether it's you he wants or just the convenience of sex.

You're well equipped with information now to know what kind of man you're dealing with. You should be able to stick to your boundaries and know what to do.