Not sure what to do
This topic was created in the Aquarius forum by BeautifulVirgo on Friday, March 21, 2014 and has 13 replies.
Help...please
I'm not sure what to do or what's going on with my Aqua man so let me explain and see if y'all can help a gal out.
Aqua & I have what seems like a unique relationship. At least that's how it seems to me. We were friends for a long time before moving to dating. We joke a lot and talk about pretty much anything. The one thing I notice is that neither one of us wears our heart on our sleeve; however, knowing that about each other we show our affections more than saying them. With all that said here's my issues/questions:
1) We've always ragged on each other for goofy things we do or say. It's always been in plain old good fun. Lately he seems to be getting more and more insecure but when I bluntly ask he says "I don't care, I doesn't hurt my feelings, I'm all good". Then the rest of the day he seems to dwell on the jokes & seems to seek out my opinions of him as though he has never heard all of my compliments I give him multiple times a day. I do not know what to think of this. Am I hurting his feelings? Should I back off the jokes?
I'm not sure what to do or what's going on with my Aqua man so let me explain and see if y'all can help a gal out.
Aqua & I have what seems like a unique relationship. At least that's how it seems to me. We were friends for a long time before moving to dating. We joke a lot and talk about pretty much anything. The one thing I notice is that neither one of us wears our heart on our sleeve; however, knowing that about each other we show our affections more than saying them. With all that said here's my issues/questions:
1) We've always ragged on each other for goofy things we do or say. It's always been in plain old good fun. Lately he seems to be getting more and more insecure but when I bluntly ask he says "I don't care, I doesn't hurt my feelings, I'm all good". Then the rest of the day he seems to dwell on the jokes & seems to seek out my opinions of him as though he has never heard all of my compliments I give him multiple times a day. I do not know what to think of this. Am I hurting his feelings? Should I back off the jokes?
2) for the majority of our time as friends and dating he has been the talker. I let him talk about any and everything. All his stories about growing up, good & bad times, whatever. I love that he just opens up & tells all. I do talk about all that stuff from my life but not nearly the amount he does because, well, he's talking lol. So over the last few weeks he has said to me several times that he knows me but he doesn't "know me" and that I don't open up. This has baffled me because I tell him anything he wants to know whenever he asks. A lot of the time he'll ask stuff & then once I start telling him he breaks into a story about him so I stop and listen. I've always told him I'm an open book, I've got nothing to hide, and what does he want to know. His response is always "I don't know, you just don't offer up much information". This makes me chuckle & then he's annoyed. *sigh*. What is he really searching for? What am I not giving him? Should I just tell him to hush when I'm telling my stories? Is he really saying I'm not giving him enough? I'm baffled, lost, not sure what's going on. Not sure if we are at some stage in this relationship where he might just be deciding where we are going. Any thoughts on this?
Now that I see this post it's rather long winded. Sorry about...
probably should put out more
Just open up and tell some of your own stories. Talk about your childhood and friends and your family and school, etc.
Sometimes jumping in a relationship with someone you've been friends with for a long time can lose the value of "mystery" that a lot of people feel is the main thing they look forward to when getting to know someone. i.e. the thrill & challenge of unpacking all the layers of that person, learning more & more about them every day.
If you know TOO much before the romance actually started, it CAN work, but that "new thrill" aspect may not be there. This is why some people may hesitate to get into relationships with long time friends. And it makes sense. If things go wrong, it may be too hard to go back to a strictly platonic level.
And then there's the situations where 2 long time friends finally get together & use the fact that they know so much about each other as the comfort that stops them from hesitating or fearing heartbreak. Hey, it's easier to let your guard down & open up your heart to someone you already know what to expect from vs. a brand new person or "friend."
But this can also bring problems, which goes back to my original example. Sometimes people don't realize that they're subconsciously addicted to the aspect of solving/figuring out the mystery within the other person. Some people get extremely bored or extremely uncomfortable when they start realizing that that's it! There's not much else to know!!
So when you're sitting there telling him like ummmm, I've told you everything, what more could I tell you?! He probably subconsciously believes you, but just may feel there may be some other deep layers that he hasn't seen/found yet. And he tells himself that b/c he doesn't wanna face the fact that you're too good to be true & that there really & literally may not be anything left to tell.
Aquas hate when they feel there's a cap on their knowledge. It's like when a movie or book is going great & then it just blatantly ends! It's like ughhhh I wish there was more to it! I want more!! Whereas some people enjoy the finished product/conclusion, Aquas enjoy the journey/ride that it took to get there. Once we've figured something out completely it's like hmmm what's next? OR hmmm well maybe there's more, I just haven't dug deep enough yet!! Aquas are used to things/people being 1 big complex puzzle that may never be solved. When they solve it, it's like hmm maybe I'm missing something lol and THAT feeling can make an Aqua extremely insecure lol It's 1 big mind game.
This could be what's subconsciously going on here
If you know TOO much before the romance actually started, it CAN work, but that "new thrill" aspect may not be there. This is why some people may hesitate to get into relationships with long time friends. And it makes sense. If things go wrong, it may be too hard to go back to a strictly platonic level.
And then there's the situations where 2 long time friends finally get together & use the fact that they know so much about each other as the comfort that stops them from hesitating or fearing heartbreak. Hey, it's easier to let your guard down & open up your heart to someone you already know what to expect from vs. a brand new person or "friend."
But this can also bring problems, which goes back to my original example. Sometimes people don't realize that they're subconsciously addicted to the aspect of solving/figuring out the mystery within the other person. Some people get extremely bored or extremely uncomfortable when they start realizing that that's it! There's not much else to know!!
So when you're sitting there telling him like ummmm, I've told you everything, what more could I tell you?! He probably subconsciously believes you, but just may feel there may be some other deep layers that he hasn't seen/found yet. And he tells himself that b/c he doesn't wanna face the fact that you're too good to be true & that there really & literally may not be anything left to tell.
Aquas hate when they feel there's a cap on their knowledge. It's like when a movie or book is going great & then it just blatantly ends! It's like ughhhh I wish there was more to it! I want more!! Whereas some people enjoy the finished product/conclusion, Aquas enjoy the journey/ride that it took to get there. Once we've figured something out completely it's like hmmm what's next? OR hmmm well maybe there's more, I just haven't dug deep enough yet!! Aquas are used to things/people being 1 big complex puzzle that may never be solved. When they solve it, it's like hmm maybe I'm missing something lol and THAT feeling can make an Aqua extremely insecure lol It's 1 big mind game.
This could be what's subconsciously going on here
@BeautifulVirgo My aqua male friend does the same thing. He asks everyone questions up the wazoo about their lives but never asks me anything about mine. He has said in the past I never say anything and I ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS tell him that I do tell him things especially when he asks me but he RARELY asks me and if he wants to know anything all he had to do was ask and he gets quiet.
Even when he does ask me a question or wants me to tell someone a story I told him, when I'm about to tell the story he butts in and starts telling my story to the 3rd person, sometimes I'll say heyyyyyyyy let me tell it. He'll say I'm just being passive agressive. HOw's that being passive agressive?
So i think alot of aqua males do the interrupting thing with everyone. Sometimes I'm quick to get jealous and/or offended when aqua male seems to bond more with everyone else but yet I'll be the first one he relies on when he needs reassurance or validation or support so I guess that's a compliment?!
The only other advice I can give is take the comments he says to you seriously but also with a grain of salt at the same time. Sometimes they say things and don't rememebr what they said the week after. I guess you just have to actively talk over him then LOL
Even when he does ask me a question or wants me to tell someone a story I told him, when I'm about to tell the story he butts in and starts telling my story to the 3rd person, sometimes I'll say heyyyyyyyy let me tell it. He'll say I'm just being passive agressive. HOw's that being passive agressive?
So i think alot of aqua males do the interrupting thing with everyone. Sometimes I'm quick to get jealous and/or offended when aqua male seems to bond more with everyone else but yet I'll be the first one he relies on when he needs reassurance or validation or support so I guess that's a compliment?!
The only other advice I can give is take the comments he says to you seriously but also with a grain of salt at the same time. Sometimes they say things and don't rememebr what they said the week after. I guess you just have to actively talk over him then LOL
I appreciate this a great deal so thank you!
K, you make some great points. There is always an up & down side in moving from friends to relationship. I think you are right but I don't know what way he's going with it.
IAM, lol that's so true lol.
I know I am a puzzle to him. I can see his brain on overdrive when I do actually get to finish my stories. I do want to take his remarks seriously because he has said them several times. I don't want to discount it since it is weighing on his mind.
Where do you draw the fine line between laying everything on the table and still being a mystery to an Aqua? I do know he's right, he doesn't know every single detail about me. I don't have anything to hide though. I really mean it when I tell him I'm an open book. I guess I just need to offer up info. Again, where's the line? I read on the post that being a bit of a mystery is a good thing when dating an Aqua. How true is that?
I'll add a little to this...over the past few weeks he's become more clingy too. I'm not complaining, trust me on that. For example he's hugging me a lot randomly, way more than he use to, and for no particular reason. He also seems to want more of my time. I'm good with that but it makes me laugh because whatever time I give up he makes it part of the daily time together. Example: last week he wanted me to find a little extra time to just talk. So I got to work early and called him for a 5 min chat from the parking garage. Now he wants a 5 min chat every morning. Lol. What is that??? No biggy to me, I like our chats. Brightens my day. But what's up?
Is this all normal behavior of an Aqua? Is he getting attached? Do Aqua's get attached? I know I'm asking a lot of Q's but I just want him to be happy and secure. Y'all know Aqua's...no doubt. Is he starting to feel deeper feelings? Is that what is going on? Ugh...he's got me baffled. Lol
K, you make some great points. There is always an up & down side in moving from friends to relationship. I think you are right but I don't know what way he's going with it.
IAM, lol that's so true lol.
I know I am a puzzle to him. I can see his brain on overdrive when I do actually get to finish my stories. I do want to take his remarks seriously because he has said them several times. I don't want to discount it since it is weighing on his mind.
Where do you draw the fine line between laying everything on the table and still being a mystery to an Aqua? I do know he's right, he doesn't know every single detail about me. I don't have anything to hide though. I really mean it when I tell him I'm an open book. I guess I just need to offer up info. Again, where's the line? I read on the post that being a bit of a mystery is a good thing when dating an Aqua. How true is that?
I'll add a little to this...over the past few weeks he's become more clingy too. I'm not complaining, trust me on that. For example he's hugging me a lot randomly, way more than he use to, and for no particular reason. He also seems to want more of my time. I'm good with that but it makes me laugh because whatever time I give up he makes it part of the daily time together. Example: last week he wanted me to find a little extra time to just talk. So I got to work early and called him for a 5 min chat from the parking garage. Now he wants a 5 min chat every morning. Lol. What is that??? No biggy to me, I like our chats. Brightens my day. But what's up?
Is this all normal behavior of an Aqua? Is he getting attached? Do Aqua's get attached? I know I'm asking a lot of Q's but I just want him to be happy and secure. Y'all know Aqua's...no doubt. Is he starting to feel deeper feelings? Is that what is going on? Ugh...he's got me baffled. Lol
Aquas can handle it when they feel there's still more to figure out when they're NOT emotionally attached to you. Their strategy is to not commit until they are 100% sure they've dissected you to a tee.
What happens when an Aqua believes (for whatever reason) that there's something they're not being told AFTER they have emotionally committed?? This kind of situation here happens. They freak out. They were already over-analyzers naturally, but the tendency to over-analyze in these situations turns up 10 extra notches.
I'm not saying that you literally must've did or said something that led him to believe that you're not telling him everything. BUT if in HIS mind, he believes so, then that explains his demeanor with you.
Also keep in mind that every Aqua has the battle of heart vs. mind at different time periods. I'm sure you've heard the rumor that Aquas can be 1 way when you meet them & then do a complete 180 once they've attached to you. It's true lol
And if their partner got so used to the Aqua being 1 way, it's very confusing & almost bothersome when they notice not just a little change in the Aqua, but a HUGE change, even if the change was technically good (more affection, openness, vulnerability, etc. all of the sudden)
If he's just now going through the battle of heart vs. mind (AFTER he's already emotionally attached to you), then everything he's doing/feeling is completely normal & natural for an Aqua. It sucks for you as the other person lol but nonetheless, there's nothing uncommon or unusual about an Aqua needing lots & lots of time to dissect something/someone down to a tee.
Perhaps you thought Aquas only stopped doing that once they emotionally attached? Not necessarily. Usually they get the mind vs. heart battle out of the way BEFORE they commit to you. In fact, the winner of that battle is usually what decides for them whether or not they'll commit to you. But in this case, it seems that battle was a little delayed
What happens when an Aqua believes (for whatever reason) that there's something they're not being told AFTER they have emotionally committed?? This kind of situation here happens. They freak out. They were already over-analyzers naturally, but the tendency to over-analyze in these situations turns up 10 extra notches.
I'm not saying that you literally must've did or said something that led him to believe that you're not telling him everything. BUT if in HIS mind, he believes so, then that explains his demeanor with you.
Also keep in mind that every Aqua has the battle of heart vs. mind at different time periods. I'm sure you've heard the rumor that Aquas can be 1 way when you meet them & then do a complete 180 once they've attached to you. It's true lol
And if their partner got so used to the Aqua being 1 way, it's very confusing & almost bothersome when they notice not just a little change in the Aqua, but a HUGE change, even if the change was technically good (more affection, openness, vulnerability, etc. all of the sudden)
If he's just now going through the battle of heart vs. mind (AFTER he's already emotionally attached to you), then everything he's doing/feeling is completely normal & natural for an Aqua. It sucks for you as the other person lol but nonetheless, there's nothing uncommon or unusual about an Aqua needing lots & lots of time to dissect something/someone down to a tee.
Perhaps you thought Aquas only stopped doing that once they emotionally attached? Not necessarily. Usually they get the mind vs. heart battle out of the way BEFORE they commit to you. In fact, the winner of that battle is usually what decides for them whether or not they'll commit to you. But in this case, it seems that battle was a little delayed
From what I know, Aquas are flip floppy. Some days they want their independence and other days they will want your entire attention and then boom back to wanting their independence. Trust what he says at the time but what I meant take it as a grain of salt is not expecting him to be like that ALL the time.
I'll give you an example, my aqua friend out of the blue asked me if i saw certain movies. Him talking to me was on a random out of the blue occasion after me getting used to being on the bottom of his social list and we talked about those movies and he said he had the dvd's and wanted me to watch them. I said sure. I'm not entirely sure why it was so important for me to watch those movies but we joked about it.
It's been 3-4 weeks, he still hasn't given me the DVDs. He hasn't forgotten because he brings up giving me the DVDs every so often but, I believed at the time that me watching movies he liked was important to him but I took it with the grain of salt that sometimes he says things just to say things or what he said is no longer important the next day so I try hard to validate whatever he tells me when he tells me but I don't necessarily take it too seriously either. Because I doubt I'll ever get those DVDs.
Hope that makes sense.
I'll give you an example, my aqua friend out of the blue asked me if i saw certain movies. Him talking to me was on a random out of the blue occasion after me getting used to being on the bottom of his social list and we talked about those movies and he said he had the dvd's and wanted me to watch them. I said sure. I'm not entirely sure why it was so important for me to watch those movies but we joked about it.
It's been 3-4 weeks, he still hasn't given me the DVDs. He hasn't forgotten because he brings up giving me the DVDs every so often but, I believed at the time that me watching movies he liked was important to him but I took it with the grain of salt that sometimes he says things just to say things or what he said is no longer important the next day so I try hard to validate whatever he tells me when he tells me but I don't necessarily take it too seriously either. Because I doubt I'll ever get those DVDs.
Hope that makes sense.
Gosh, a lot to think about. Thank you.
Knowing what y'all said yesterday I went out on a limb with him today. I told him I wanted to talk through some things on my mind. He cancelled his lunch plans & we met up (I didn't ask him to cancel as I figured it would be tonight). I told him that I've heard him when he's said he wants to "know" me. I told him that although I'm not exactly sure what that totally means I suspect he wants to know about my life and/or what I think of miscellaneous things. I told him that like in my past response I am an open book & am more than happy to tell him anything & everything. I told him that I love all his stories and hearing about them but that if he wants to hear more of mine then he has to give me the opportunity to do so. I gave him some examples. He said that I was right & that he'd be more mindful of that. I also told him that I really love our jokes and humor but if they cause him to feel insecure that he can always be honest and tell me and I would stop. I told him that I don't judge him, because I don't, and I except anything & everything about him, and that there is nothing to fear here. I'm not out to change him in any way. I just want him to be happy.
We had great conversation about it all. He seemed really happy that I brought all this up. He said on our next date night he would bring some random questions & I'd pick them out of a cup like a game. I thought that was a cute idea & he'd get his questions answered.
At the end of the lunch he gave me one his famous bear hugs w/ the sweetest kiss & said thanks for being you. You knew I needed this, you always know what I need. (Yes made me laugh cuz he always says what he needs it's just I have to read between the lines). So date night is Thursday. Can't wait to see what he got up his sleeve! Hahaha
Thank you all!!!! Thanks for helping me work through this!
Knowing what y'all said yesterday I went out on a limb with him today. I told him I wanted to talk through some things on my mind. He cancelled his lunch plans & we met up (I didn't ask him to cancel as I figured it would be tonight). I told him that I've heard him when he's said he wants to "know" me. I told him that although I'm not exactly sure what that totally means I suspect he wants to know about my life and/or what I think of miscellaneous things. I told him that like in my past response I am an open book & am more than happy to tell him anything & everything. I told him that I love all his stories and hearing about them but that if he wants to hear more of mine then he has to give me the opportunity to do so. I gave him some examples. He said that I was right & that he'd be more mindful of that. I also told him that I really love our jokes and humor but if they cause him to feel insecure that he can always be honest and tell me and I would stop. I told him that I don't judge him, because I don't, and I except anything & everything about him, and that there is nothing to fear here. I'm not out to change him in any way. I just want him to be happy.
We had great conversation about it all. He seemed really happy that I brought all this up. He said on our next date night he would bring some random questions & I'd pick them out of a cup like a game. I thought that was a cute idea & he'd get his questions answered.
At the end of the lunch he gave me one his famous bear hugs w/ the sweetest kiss & said thanks for being you. You knew I needed this, you always know what I need. (Yes made me laugh cuz he always says what he needs it's just I have to read between the lines). So date night is Thursday. Can't wait to see what he got up his sleeve! Hahaha
Thank you all!!!! Thanks for helping me work through this!
Not a problem. Glad it worked for you.
Always keep in mind direct communication works for aqua males and males in general. Don't wait to talk to them. Tlak to them calmly and logically. They'll hear you.
Always keep in mind direct communication works for aqua males and males in general. Don't wait to talk to them. Tlak to them calmly and logically. They'll hear you.
Posted by krysrenee7
Aquas can handle it when they feel there's still more to figure out when they're NOT emotionally attached to you. Their strategy is to not commit until they are 100% sure they've dissected you to a tee.
What happens when an Aqua believes (for whatever reason) that there's something they're not being told AFTER they have emotionally committed?? This kind of situation here happens. They freak out. They were already over-analyzers naturally, but the tendency to over-analyze in these situations turns up 10 extra notches.
I'm not saying that you literally must've did or said something that led him to believe that you're not telling him everything. BUT if in HIS mind, he believes so, then that explains his demeanor with you.
Also keep in mind that every Aqua has the battle of heart vs. mind at different time periods. I'm sure you've heard the rumor that Aquas can be 1 way when you meet them & then do a complete 180 once they've attached to you. It's true lol
And if their partner got so used to the Aqua being 1 way, it's very confusing & almost bothersome when they notice not just a little change in the Aqua, but a HUGE change, even if the change was technically good (more affection, openness, vulnerability, etc. all of the sudden)
If he's just now going through the battle of heart vs. mind (AFTER he's already emotionally attached to you), then everything he's doing/feeling is completely normal & natural for an Aqua. It sucks for you as the other person lol but nonetheless, there's nothing uncommon or unusual about an Aqua needing lots & lots of time to dissect something/someone down to a tee.
Perhaps you thought Aquas only stopped doing that once they emotionally attached? Not necessarily. Usually they get the mind vs. heart battle out of the way BEFORE they commit to you. In fact, the winner of that battle is usually what decides for them whether or not they'll commit to you. But in this case, it seems that battle was a little delayed
correct again.
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