The Aquarius B*stard

Aquarius is the most reasonable b*stard you??ll ever encounter. He??ll even agree he is a b*stard. If he was born out of wedlock then he is one by definition, and if you want to call him a b*stard for other, more personal reasons, he??ll certainly allow you your opinions.

And he won't, like other b*stards and real astrologers, dismiss this book as amateur astrological crap. In his mind, every viewpoint gets a hearing, every belief system has some legitimacy. To top things off, he's likely to be annoyingly good looking (well there goes your ability to remain objective).
Cuteness aside, open-mindedness and tolerance in a b*stard has its own set of problems. A very different set of problems than what you??re used to. In fact, after years of dealing with men who don't listen to you when the football, the television or the fridge is on, you??ll be totally unequipped to deal with Aquarius.
Standard forms of male manipulation (e.g. screaming like a banshee or carefully planned sex deprivation) don't work on Aquarius. He is more profound and more complex than the average b*stard. Whilst normal little boys were constructing little Lego spacecraft piloted by little Lego spacemen from the planet Biffo, Aquarius junior was delving into the mysteries of existence. True, he did it via television and comic books, but his sincere intention to discover the deeper meaning of life was there. The distressing thing is, he managed to find depth and reality in The Brady Bunch and in the Bat Cave and will regale you with their profundity.

Spending his formative years as a weirdo has resulted in the adult Aquarius male holding radical beliefs. He doesn't have to stick to one system of thoughts as, say, the poor communists do. He can adopt an ideology to fit his mood and situation. And he??ll be happy as long as it allows him to oppose some commonly held belief — your belief in marriage, for instance.

Taking the opposing stance is the foundation of all his beliefs. And once everybody else is a radical, left-wing, feminist-seperatist-greenie-with-a-nose-ring, he??ll become more than conservatism is to do what everybody else is doing. He prides himself on his —otherness??. It follows, then, that his views on romantic relationships defy conventions and escape comprehension. See, commitment limits personal growth for both partners. Marriage is an outmoded aspect of organized religion and is no more than a pricey piece of paper in today??s world, and love (like currency) should be circulated for the benefit of everybody — not hoarded in a miserly was to be doled out regularly to one individual. Of course, that one individual — you, in this case — may have different thoughts on the matter. In theory, his beliefs are fine. There is nothing wrong with seeing each human being as a free and responsible agent, determining their own path through life. It's just not terribly warm and fuzzy. And it presents some practical difficulties. Like, where do you, the station wagon and two-point-three children fit in? That's a huge problem with most philosophers — they don't include a section entitled —How to Nab a Man and Keep Him?? in their manifestos. (They haven't included other basic human needs either — like clothes, shopping and trashy television shows.)

Understandably, you??ll come to the conclusion that Aquarius is operating on a completely different, totally baffling level. But the thing is, he does believe in love. The all-encompassing kind. The noble feeling of compassion for one's fellow men — which unites people for the greater good of the humanity. The selfless, undemanding emotion ??_ (sorry, we have to stop here — we??re feeling slightly nauseous). And of course he loves you. Aren't you a fellow inhabitant of earth? How could he not love you?
What Aquarius fails to understand is that loving all human beings equally only ever worked for Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ was quite an extraordinary person. How secure are you going to feel dating a mere mortal who practices this? And as Aquarius is busy spreading his love among humanity, you can't even cause a scene about it. Making a fuss would mean you were jealous. And jealousy is a primitive, self-destructive emotion. You must have an incredibly low opinion of yourself to even entertain such a feeling — you really do have some major self-doubts, don't you? Perhaps yo

That's the problem, Aquarius has noble, humane reasons for everything he does. Reasons which make you look selfish and uncaring for putting your needs before those whose needs are greater than your own. Shame on you. When was the last time you built a well for a Third World village? (Although now and then, amongst his great rhetoric, you??ll get a sneaking feeling all of this is just an
elaborate hoax designed to cover up his fear of commitment.)
You can't even nail your Aquarius b*stard for sexism — he??ll just show you up. He's read all those books you bought to place on your shelf for decorative purposes. He??ll dismiss your rantings as a product of the victim feminism so prevalent these days and so damaging to the real cause.

Face it, he's a better feminist than you are. He's spent years pondering the male paradox (i.e. how can one be male, loaded up with testosterone and still be a decant human being?). Hence his evasive, noncommittal behavior towards you. He's actually trying to make up for all that his gender has done. The less time that he spends with you, the less chance he has to undermine your gender by treating you like an unpaid servant — as men are biologically inclined to do. And he won't be guilty of treating you as a sex object if he doesn't have sex with you regularly. Instead, he can spread his natural male instinct to objectify women, over a number of them, thus diluting its full effect. See how concerned he is about you? Are you feeling grateful yet? Well, if you aren't don't get any bright ideas about trying to talk your Aquarius b*stard around to your point of view. You??ll be up against the arguments of Plato, Kant, Jung, Gandhi, Dr Seuss and every other great-though-male mind of the human civilization. And, frankly, you and your Ph.D. in nagging from College of Applied Domestic Arts and Sciences can't quite cut it in this league.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Find him attractive and he??ll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore
him and he??ll be all over you. Yes, we know, we've just described the behavior
of almost any man — so also look for an unhealthy gleam in his eye (as seen in
the eyes of people who live in small, padded rooms with locks on the outside).

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Look in the exalted circles of Noble laureates, inventors-of-things-that-help-mankind and great humanitarians to find your very own Aquarius b*stard. If this fails, look in the nearest loony bin, there are even more of them to chose from here.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Talk about some really interesting things you??ve done; like the time you restored peace in the Middle East; how you invented a cure for cancer; or when you discovered and communicated with a new form of life in the next galaxy — stuff like that. (Tip: In general conversation, try not to come across as too ideologically unsound)

THE FIRST DATE
It probably won't be a —date?? as such. He's much more interested in you as a person and will ask you out on that pretext. After a few friendly encounters he??ll notice you are a girl — you can then move things along from there.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
There is no need to abide by convention for this or any other aspect of your dealings with Aquarius. But do it discreetly so he doesn't notice. He??d hate to think he was taking advantage of you. (NB: To save you from disappointment, be aware that when Aquarius mentioned The Big Bang Theory, he wasn't referring to his sexual performance.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Never, under any circumstances, do this. It will alert him to the fact you think of the relationship as more than just friendship. However, if you happen to be a member of an oppressed minority group, you stand a good chance of getting an Aquarius b*stard to the altar — he wouldn't want to be guilty of discrimination.

IF HE DROPS YOU
He??ll never really drop you. He??ll always value you as a person. He??ll just stop having sex with you — so the relationship won't change really.

IF YOU DROP HIM
He??ll take it philosophically and figure it was for the best anyway. But he??ll ask if you can still be friends and won't be able to understand why you slam the door / hang up the phone / shoot him in the kneecap.

Wahahahahahahahaha!

Besides the whole "they love humanity" part, that article describes aqua males to a T.

What I'd add is if you're willing to work for all the attention/affection you think you're entitled to, you won't have any of these problems.

Too bad most chicks is lazy, though 🙂

The chick who wrote that article was very honest, though.

Sex deprevation, eh, ladies? Naughty naughty

*waves admonishing finger*

HMMM...I agree with the majority of that. Especially the part which translates to "...he looks insane" Plenty of women have told me I look crazy. Spot on.

Truth