TheLost
@TheLost
13 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 8 · Topics: 1
giving up on myself
I can relate honestly, I've written a lot of journal entries similar to this exact post. I wish I had the right words or encouragement, I wish I could say "don't worry, things will get better" but in my experience, with the same attitude and whatnot, it's only gone in circles.
I don't think I'm a bad person, I think I'm a pretty awesome person actually but I don't know how to project that outward to show others. Maybe that is our problem...
I don't think I'm a bad person, I think I'm a pretty awesome person actually but I don't know how to project that outward to show others. Maybe that is our problem...
jesus fucking christ
lol I know how Pangel is.
Anyways.. I guess I was just depressed as fuck last night. Emotionally I feel the lowest that I've ever been in my life. I know I sound like some fucking teenager who cuts her wrists for attention or some other bullshit.. and I was acting that way last night.. but I'm not. I don't want attention from friends or family, they don't know any of this.. I just want to understand myself. Why am I so fucking lazy?
I just feel trapped with who I am.
Like my entire life I have TRIED to work hard. I have always bitten off more then I can chew. And tried and tried and tried. But eventually I fail. Every time I fucking fail. At the end of the day I guess I AM just a lazy ass free loader.
I'm tired of disappointing people. I counted last night. I have severely disappointed (at least) eight individuals who endlessly dumped time, money, and hope into me only for me to fail just because I didn't want to do it anymore. Then I ran away and never talked to them again... like an immature kindergartner.
I know that I am fully capable of doing these things I have tried but I'm just fucking lazy.
Now I'm in a situation where my closest friends are depending on me to be responsible with my promises. But I feel myself cracking. I feel like all I want to do is hide, and sleep, and wait until everyone gives up on me so I can go fucking work at McDonald's or some shit for the rest of my life.
I'm tired of disappointing other people and making them so unhappy. I'm tired of myself. I can't do this shit anymore.
Everyone tells me that people can't change, that I can't change, I just have to make due with what I have. But I can't go on doing this shit to myself and the people I care about. I've tried to change but every time it just goes back in the same cycle.
Believe me I used to be a very confident happy person, but now that facade is crashing around me. I know I'm a failure. And I don't know if I can change it.
Can people change?
Anyways.. I guess I was just depressed as fuck last night. Emotionally I feel the lowest that I've ever been in my life. I know I sound like some fucking teenager who cuts her wrists for attention or some other bullshit.. and I was acting that way last night.. but I'm not. I don't want attention from friends or family, they don't know any of this.. I just want to understand myself. Why am I so fucking lazy?
I just feel trapped with who I am.
Like my entire life I have TRIED to work hard. I have always bitten off more then I can chew. And tried and tried and tried. But eventually I fail. Every time I fucking fail. At the end of the day I guess I AM just a lazy ass free loader.
I'm tired of disappointing people. I counted last night. I have severely disappointed (at least) eight individuals who endlessly dumped time, money, and hope into me only for me to fail just because I didn't want to do it anymore. Then I ran away and never talked to them again... like an immature kindergartner.
I know that I am fully capable of doing these things I have tried but I'm just fucking lazy.
Now I'm in a situation where my closest friends are depending on me to be responsible with my promises. But I feel myself cracking. I feel like all I want to do is hide, and sleep, and wait until everyone gives up on me so I can go fucking work at McDonald's or some shit for the rest of my life.
I'm tired of disappointing other people and making them so unhappy. I'm tired of myself. I can't do this shit anymore.
Everyone tells me that people can't change, that I can't change, I just have to make due with what I have. But I can't go on doing this shit to myself and the people I care about. I've tried to change but every time it just goes back in the same cycle.
Believe me I used to be a very confident happy person, but now that facade is crashing around me. I know I'm a failure. And I don't know if I can change it.
Can people change?
seems like you need to get laid and someone who would care for you, i recommend libra's they are really nice and give u inspiration and something to live for, go for libra u rascal, and ignora PISS ANGEL she is the admin here
Yes you can change and you better not give up on yourself. For starters don't make so many promises to people or take on more than you can handle, Aries are famous for that. You are only one person and first and foremost you have to take care of yourself, this is your life. Why are so many people depending on you? Dont over extend your self to the point that you feel overwhelmed. I am only 26, but I already seen that life is a see saw full of ups and downs, best you can do and learn to master is adapting to change, its not all roses. And if you gotta hit rock bottom to come back to the top, then do so, I love the line of that song let go by frou its says...let go, let go, jump in, well what you waiting for? its alright cuz theres beauty in the breakdown.
Dont try to please everyone, you cant. Also stop being so hard on yourself, be nice to yourself.
People can change when they want to its not easy but just liked you feel you changed for the worse....change back to great and good. Fight to be happy, make that choice. Every day wont be peachy but be content with that and i think you will feel much better. If you want to continue to talk you can always send me a private message as well.
Dont try to please everyone, you cant. Also stop being so hard on yourself, be nice to yourself.
People can change when they want to its not easy but just liked you feel you changed for the worse....change back to great and good. Fight to be happy, make that choice. Every day wont be peachy but be content with that and i think you will feel much better. If you want to continue to talk you can always send me a private message as well.
And also you arent alone in this. I have felt like you have before and am slowly changing my mind set and how i think but i still have bad days, i know they wont last though thats for sure because i know nothing last forever, be it good or bad. So please know that you are special and have something to offer this world and to someone else. And look at all the people who have offered their kind words and advice, so someone out there cares for you, i know i do and i dont even know you.
Man is there some bullshit going on in the sky? I was all mopey as fuck yesterday too.
You must stop worrying about others opinions, look at yourself purely and make a change.
I signed up today because I have the blues and feel lonely and hurt. We Aries do have a lot of self pity At times but... When we do stand up our core is made of steel. It's ok to feel, and you will get up because you are an Aries;we are fighters, if any we must believe in ourselves. Big hug, you will be ok sending you positive energy
OP just keep talking. Sometimes people just need to talk and someone to listen.
I'm feeling better today. I just get these times when I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. Sometimes it only lasts a few hours, sometimes it lasts weeks.. it depends on how far I've dug myself into a hole.
It always goes in spurts. I will be on top of everything I need to do for a few days or even weeks and then I don't know what happens. I burn myself out or something. And I lose desire to do anything anymore. Then I fail at something and start getting behind; and because I want to avoid my failure I avoid the entire problem, and I make it worse and worse.
I run my own business and I got really behind. I got behind because of a ton of crap and then on top of it I just started to procrastinate. I got so far behind on orders I just wanted to avoid it altogether. That's where I was a few days ago. I had no desire whatsoever to do any orders or work. When I tried to, it felt like torture, I felt totally overwhelmed. That negative feeling was too much so I just avoided it.
It was like I'm failing my customers because they want their orders quickly. I'm failing my friends/boyfriend because they want my business to grow bigger and better so I can hire them. I'm failing my future possible business partners, because a major retailer wants to partner with little old me, but if they see how poorly I do at these orders, then they will be disappointed and no longer partner with me; and that will really make the guy that's been pushing for me in that retailer look bad.. I'm failing my mom because she told me not to fail AGAIN but I am.. etc. etc. etc..
These are all the feelings I get when I even think about doing those orders. Just so much negativity I can't stand to be around it. I don't know why. I know that I have to finish the orders to avoid that negativity, but the feeling of that negativity crushes me when I try to do the orders.
It has gotten better because in the past few days I have finished about half the orders I have to get out.. but I'm moving really slow, taking lots of breaks, and when I work it just feels like torture. It's not even hard. I listen to music or watch tv while working. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I just want to lay in my bed and sleep lol
I want to do anything I can to avoid disappointing everyone EXCEPT the work, which is the only thing I can do to avoid disappointing everyone.
And that realization makes me feel like a retarded, lazy, piece of shit.
It always goes in spurts. I will be on top of everything I need to do for a few days or even weeks and then I don't know what happens. I burn myself out or something. And I lose desire to do anything anymore. Then I fail at something and start getting behind; and because I want to avoid my failure I avoid the entire problem, and I make it worse and worse.
I run my own business and I got really behind. I got behind because of a ton of crap and then on top of it I just started to procrastinate. I got so far behind on orders I just wanted to avoid it altogether. That's where I was a few days ago. I had no desire whatsoever to do any orders or work. When I tried to, it felt like torture, I felt totally overwhelmed. That negative feeling was too much so I just avoided it.
It was like I'm failing my customers because they want their orders quickly. I'm failing my friends/boyfriend because they want my business to grow bigger and better so I can hire them. I'm failing my future possible business partners, because a major retailer wants to partner with little old me, but if they see how poorly I do at these orders, then they will be disappointed and no longer partner with me; and that will really make the guy that's been pushing for me in that retailer look bad.. I'm failing my mom because she told me not to fail AGAIN but I am.. etc. etc. etc..
These are all the feelings I get when I even think about doing those orders. Just so much negativity I can't stand to be around it. I don't know why. I know that I have to finish the orders to avoid that negativity, but the feeling of that negativity crushes me when I try to do the orders.
It has gotten better because in the past few days I have finished about half the orders I have to get out.. but I'm moving really slow, taking lots of breaks, and when I work it just feels like torture. It's not even hard. I listen to music or watch tv while working. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I just want to lay in my bed and sleep lol
I want to do anything I can to avoid disappointing everyone EXCEPT the work, which is the only thing I can do to avoid disappointing everyone.
And that realization makes me feel like a retarded, lazy, piece of shit.
What do you do outside of work?
Posted by Love366
What do you do outside of work?
Avoid work lol watch tv, surf the internet, do college (online).. etc. I work online (web-based ecommerce store) and go to school online. I only have a couple of friends: my boyfriend and his friends. Because all my other friends live in other states.
I don't really ever get to do anything and when we do it's like go to a movie or something. I share a car with my boyfriend but he works so I'm trapped at home by myself most of the time.
Posted by my7daysinparis
I signed up today because I have the blues and feel lonely and hurt. We Aries do have a lot of self pity At times but... When we do stand up our core is made of steel. It's ok to feel, and you will get up because you are an Aries;we are fighters, if any we must believe in ourselves. Big hug, you will be ok sending you positive energy
Thank you...even tho im not the op...but thanx for your words...we are warriors and I always remem that when im feeling really really shitty
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Man is there some bullshit going on in the sky? I was all mopey as fuck yesterday too.
It's the Pluto/Uranus thing dryhumping us sideways up the rectum.
According to Darkstar Astrology (you can read more there - they have some posts about it)
* Uranus square Pluto June 24 2012
?? Uranus square Pluto September 19 2012
?? Uranus square Pluto May 21 2013
?? Uranus square Pluto November 1 2013
?? Uranus square Pluto April 21 2014
?? Uranus square Pluto December 15 2014
?? Uranus square Pluto March 17 2015
I am finding my days of complete retardation are actually occuring 20 days prior to the square "hitting" (or whatever it is that squares do.)
And it wouldn't be an Rnap post without a funny little story to finish with so here goes...
Last week I felt so down and miserable. As I walked past a row of cash machines I toyed with the idea of rushing the security guard (how come they are always fatties—?) grabbing his gun and blowing my tiny brain out.
Then I thought about it a little more and figured with the way things are going for me, he probably only had a taser and I would end up just electrocuting myself and going down in a screaming heap, spazzing out like a tard in front of a whole bunch of people. So I kept on walking.
Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPersonPosted by rockyroadicecream
Man is there some bullshit going on in the sky? I was all mopey as fuck yesterday too.
It's the Pluto/Uranus thing dryhumping us sideways up the rectum.
According to Darkstar Astrology (you can read more there - they have some posts about it)
* Uranus square Pluto June 24 2012
?? Uranus square Pluto September 19 2012
?? Uranus square Pluto May 21 2013
?? Uranus square Pluto November 1 2013
?? Uranus square Pluto April 21 2014
?? Uranus square Pluto December 15 2014
?? Uranus square Pluto March 17 2015
I am finding my days of complete retardation are actually occuring 20 days prior to the square "hitting" (or whatever it is that squares do.)
And it wouldn't be an Rnap post without a funny little story to finish with so here goes...
Last week I felt so down and miserable. As I walked past a row of cash machines I toyed with the idea of rushing the security guard (how come they are always fatties—?) grabbing his gun and blowing my tiny brain out.
Then I thought about it a little more and figured with the way things are going for me, he probably only had a taser and I would end up just electrocuting myself and going down in a screaming heap, spazzing out like a tard in front of a whole bunch of people. So I kept on walking.click to expand
lol that was hilarious
and I just want to say thanks everyone for the posts and encouraging words 🙂
I don't know why I was so damn depressed. I have never felt that way before in my life. Like seriously contemplating suicide. But not really because I could never do that lol I still feel shitty but not as bad as it was. Still don't feel like doing work but it's slowing getting done..
Not to sound like an absolute twat here. But would this be a good example of Aries mixed with Pisces mercury maybe?
Posted by AA
Not to sound like an absolute twat here. But would this be a good example of Aries mixed with Pisces mercury maybe?
STALKERRR
How did you know that??
lol I hadn't looked up my astrology chart in a while. I forgot my mercury IS in Pisces 0_0
Posted by TheLostPosted by ReallyNiceAriesPersonPosted by rockyroadicecream
Man is there some bullshit going on in the sky? I was all mopey as fuck yesterday too.
lol that was hilarious
and I just want to say thanks everyone for the posts and encouraging words 🙂
I don't know why I was so damn depressed. I have never felt that way before in my life. Like seriously contemplating suicide. But not really because I could never do that lol I still feel shitty but not as bad as it was. Still don't feel like doing work but it's slowing getting done..click to expand
When I am in work mode I just go for it - work like hell, get heaps of stuff done.
I know I will have my space out moments, where I goof off, think about sex, check out dxp, do whatever, do nothing, daydream, think about sex etc.
Just chill with it because you know you will soon get another spurt of work energy and you can run with it again.
Pointless to try and fight it.
Lucky my boss is a Leo so she kinda gets it.
As long as I get the job done on time she doesn't care if I work steadily the whole week or goof off Mon-Wed then work straight thru Thursday and Friday with no sleep. It's the result we are after, doesn't matter how we get there.
We aren't Virgoes.
Posted by harry99
Hey I know alot of Aries and they're all very happy even when they're not happy. Look we all feel down sometimes and what you need to remember is that this too shall pass.
Seriously you have to let go of all that pain and accept that life is hard for everyone not just you.
Millionaires hate themselves and cry and stuff. Now I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation. However I know exactly what you're feeling and trust me that feeling does subside and the brightness comes through so just hold on.
Are you serious? Life is hard for everyone? No way.
Why would a millionaire hate themselves? That's silly. Unless you made it in a Ponzi scheme or something.
Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPersonPosted by TheLostPosted by ReallyNiceAriesPersonPosted by rockyroadicecream
Man is there some bullshit going on in the sky? I was all mopey as fuck yesterday too.
lol that was hilarious
and I just want to say thanks everyone for the posts and encouraging words 🙂
I don't know why I was so damn depressed. I have never felt that way before in my life. Like seriously contemplating suicide. But not really because I could never do that lol I still feel shitty but not as bad as it was. Still don't feel like doing work but it's slowing getting done..
When I am in work mode I just go for it - work like hell, get heaps of stuff done.
I know I will have my space out moments, where I goof off, think about sex, check out dxp, do whatever, do nothing, daydream, think about sex etc.
Just chill with it because you know you will soon get another spurt of work energy and you can run with it again.
Pointless to try and fight it.
Lucky my boss is a Leo so she kinda gets it.
As long as I get the job done on time she doesn't care if I work steadily the whole week or goof off Mon-Wed then work straight thru Thursday and Friday with no sleep. It's the result we are after, doesn't matter how we get there.
We aren't Virgoes.
click to expand
See this is perfect advice. I've always wanted to be lazy when I'm in a lazy mood and then work when I'm in a word mood. But I'm dating a cancer. And when I'm in a lazy mood he yells at me to just work and when I'm in a work mood he wants me to spend time with him. Like I almost always get the feeling to work at night or even in the middle of night. Even if he wants to sleep he'll say "no no I can't sleep without you.." and I'm like "but I'm in a WORK mood!"
Same with my virgo mom when I was a kid/teenager.
I'm not even sure if it would work; like if my work moods would be long enough for me to get everything done during them or if my lazy moods wouldn't be too long. But I've never gotten to try. I went straight from living with a virgo to living with a cancer lol. And I have no confidence to explain my moods when I haven't ever even tried to actually work
with them..
You'd think a cancer would understand about moods 😛
stupid character limit
You'd think a cancer would understand about moods 😛
stupid character limit
Posted by TheLostPosted by AA
Not to sound like an absolute twat here. But would this be a good example of Aries mixed with Pisces mercury maybe?
STALKERRR
How did you know that??
lol I hadn't looked up my astrology chart in a while. I forgot my mercury IS in Pisces 0_0click to expand
Process of elimination really? Boring i know. Stalker sounds far more exciting.
Posted by harry99Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPersonPosted by harry99
Hey I know alot of Aries and they're all very happy even when they're not happy. Look we all feel down sometimes and what you need to remember is that this too shall pass.
Seriously you have to let go of all that pain and accept that life is hard for everyone not just you.
Millionaires hate themselves and cry and stuff. Now I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation. However I know exactly what you're feeling and trust me that feeling does subside and the brightness comes through so just hold on.
Are you serious? Life is hard for everyone? No way.
Why would a millionaire hate themselves? That's silly. Unless you made it in a Ponzi scheme or something.
Alot of millionaires kill themselves. Not like a whole lot but definitely enough to be noticeable. I feel like even their lives aren't perfect cuz they never feel like they have enough money and they never have true friends/lovers. Even their family only wants their money and not them. Idk I think I'd hate being a millionaire it sounds stressful always hoping you or you kids or spouse don't get kidnapped for ransom. Everyone wants to be written into their will too tut tut poor millionaires roflmbo 🙂click to expand
Well speaking as someone who had every cent ripped off them and is slowly sinking as a result, I can confirm that some poor people would also like to kill themselves.
Nobody forced the millionaire to marry someone that didn't love them.
Spare a thought for the folk that people are afraid to marry because they are broke!
If there's any stressed out/strung out millionaires that want to lend me some cash (I will pay you 1% over the current bank cash rate) then just let me know.
Let's see if we can't even out the too much/too little cash equation out for everyone!
Posted by harry99Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPersonPosted by harry99Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPersonPosted by harry99
Hey I know alot of Aries and they're all very happy even when they're not happy. Look we all feel down sometimes and what you need to remember is that this too shall pass.
Seriously you have to let go of all that pain and accept that life is hard for everyone not just you.
Millionaires hate themselves and cry and stuff. Now I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation. However I know exactly what you're feeling and trust me that feeling does subside and the brightness comes through so just hold on.
Are you serious? Life is hard for everyone? No way.
Why would a millionaire hate themselves? That's silly. Unless you made it in a Ponzi scheme or something.
Alot of millionaires kill themselves. Not like a whole lot but definitely enough to be noticeable. I feel like even their lives aren't perfect cuz they never feel like they have enough money and they never have true friends/lovers. Even their family only wants their money and not them. Idk I think I'd hate being a millionaire it sounds stressful always hoping you or you kids or spouse don't get kidnapped for ransom. Everyone wants to be written into their will too tut tut poor millionaires roflmbo 🙂
Well speaking as someone who had every cent ripped off them and is slowly sinking as a result, I can confirm that some poor people would also like to kill themselves.
Nobody forced the millionaire to marry someone that didn't love them.
Spare a thought for the folk that people are afraid to marry because they are broke!
If there's any stressed out/strung out millionaires that want to lend me some cash (I will pay you 1% over the current bank cash rate) then just let me know.
Let's see if we can't even out the too much/too little cash equation out for everyone!
yes I need a sugar mama/papa lolclick to expand
🙂 I've BEEN the mama - perhaps the world/karma/whoever is in charge will be kind enough to give me back my hard earnt riches...I'm not fussy how it occurs at t
at this stage. Just give me my money back.
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I guess I'm just a bad person. I always have been. I've always been told I am by everyone, except my mom. She realized it later. But she wasn't there when I was younger to tell me I was good. At least not enough.
I've never felt good.
Well I have. For brief moments. A few weeks of good. And then I stop avoiding the truth.
I know I'm smart. I know I'm good at public speaking, writing, school, debate, planning. I know I'm capable.
But I have no work ethic. None. I get some, for a bit, and I do well. But then I get over whelmed. I start avoiding. I become lazy.
I'm a loser. I'm not worth anyone's time, I'm not worth my own time. I'm a waste. I'm a waste of an intelligent person. I've failed time and time again.
This planet can't take more people like me.
I'm an Aries. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself and too honest to lie about it. I think I deserve to die. I'm hurting and disappointing everyone in my life, like usual, I kind of just want get rid of myself for the sake of them. So I won't keep taxing them in the future.
I know where a gun is but I won't even touch it. Or look at it.
I'm too afraid of death for that. But I'm not hopeful for the future.
I'm too afraid of everything. I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to hurt myself. I want to go rot in a hole somewhere and be there for the people who wouldn't be there for me, for those brief moments they need me. And then go back to rotting.
I don't mind rotting. I hate this. I hate having a life and doing things because I don't deserve it. I don't know if I even like it. Everyone hates me.. before now I didn't hate myself, but maybe I should. Maybe I should just start agreeing with them and give up on the waste of space that is myself.