What d'ya do when your Aries feels threatened?
This topic was created in the Aries forum by truthseeker on Monday, June 18, 2007 and has 26 replies.
Long story short, I just completed my Master's Degree and I've been focussing on starting my career. Meanwhile, my aries BF is going through his "I'm almost 30" crises, and feels threatened by my successes. Oh yes, I'm not exagerating...he's definitely bitter and jealous. He finds every chance he can get to put me down, or blame me for his failures, or project his feelings of insecurity. I know what he's going through...at least I understand. But i'm not sure how much more I can take, especially when he's not aware of what he's doing to me...to us. I CAN'T talk to him, because he automatically goes into defense mode and all of a sudden doesn't want to talk. I've tried overlooking the way he disrespects me (and respects (more so) his other friends), but i've had it (we women and our stamina).
I love this man, even though I'm growing as a person, I have no intention of leaving him. Finally, he always has my attention and support (balancing is one things I'm great at!). I know that if he were to assert himself, he'd be really happy and even more successful. I don't know if he knows I love him, and to be honest, I don't know how else to show that (Aries have just as high an expecation as Leo). I've even CONSIDERED "dumbing myself down" so that he doesn't feel bad. (only considered...now I realize how crazy that sounds!) I don't want to be "ms. tough love" because I'm afraid he'll leave. Any advice?
I love this man, even though I'm growing as a person, I have no intention of leaving him. Finally, he always has my attention and support (balancing is one things I'm great at!). I know that if he were to assert himself, he'd be really happy and even more successful. I don't know if he knows I love him, and to be honest, I don't know how else to show that (Aries have just as high an expecation as Leo). I've even CONSIDERED "dumbing myself down" so that he doesn't feel bad. (only considered...now I realize how crazy that sounds!) I don't want to be "ms. tough love" because I'm afraid he'll leave. Any advice?
Well it all depends on how long you've been together, how much crap your prepared to put up with etc...why not just tell him everything you've just said here..that you know he can attain more etc..but I bet a million dollars he would hate being told he can do better etc..so you can't win..My sister is Leo, dating an Aries..after 2 years, theres problems starting to creep up etc..she is now having second thoughts....not to put a downer on the situation or anything..Theres nothing you can do...he has to realise himself...
thanks missmorals. we've been together for 2 1/2 years, and we've had our share of problems from month 3. i know this is something he has to see for himself, i guess i'm just wonderiing how long that's gonna take! it really is a loose/loose situation, and pretty much any words of comfort or encouragement i give goes in one ear and out the other, me thinks. anyway, thanks, again!
No worries...I hope it works out...you seem like you've put some effort into it..but your right, he will have to come to that conclusion himself...Its not healthy when one starts to downplay self-achievement just to please others..why? you've worked hard to get there..so you should celebrate your success...Has he always been bitter and twisted? if so, then in my opinion, thats not healthy at all..Its sad people have to resort to that kind of behaviour..
Hey, Truth .. not getting any better, eh?
I know you don't want to be without him .. but, it sounds like it's getting worse .. meaning his dependence upon you. You know how men are .. if the woman takes care of EVERYTHING in a relationship, the lazier they get at nurturing the union.
Perhaps, you might now try giving him the impression that you aren't going to take care of him anylonger, or as much. Back off a tad of giving all the emotional support and let it be known that he's going to have to be responsible for some of it. For example, don't ask him what he's thinking, or if something is wrong .. make him ask you.
Let him see a strained look on your face, or tension/concern of some kind .. and remain silent. Perhaps, this will prompt him into approaching a conversation with you.
don't know if that will help him to get off his butt and put forth more effort into his career and taking care of things, but, it might suggest to him that your doing more work than he is. Like you said, you can't tell an Aries what to do .. but, you can get his attention by NOT doing it all yourself.
This has been going on for a long time now .. nearly since day one .. the time is going to have to come where you have to come to terms with the fact that it may not get any better. Times like this reminds of me of that movie with Jack Nicholson
"This is as good as it gets" .. or some phrase he said, meaning .. this is it. The main thing here, that you may not be comprehending is that by going all this time picking up all the slack, doing all the emotional suffering and being accountable for him by defending his position when you know he's not pulling his wieght .. is likely the equivelancy of, "dumbing myself down" .. emotionally speaking.
You just let yourself keep getting kicked, while he remains oblivious to having any emotional respsonbility, and the time has to come where you won't allow it any longer.
Anyway .. I'm sorry this isn't getting any better for you. I wish there was something to say .. an answer out there, but, there's not
On a different note .. congrats on your accomplishments and getting your MA
btw .. how's his career going in the theatrics arena? His music?
I know you don't want to be without him .. but, it sounds like it's getting worse .. meaning his dependence upon you. You know how men are .. if the woman takes care of EVERYTHING in a relationship, the lazier they get at nurturing the union.
Perhaps, you might now try giving him the impression that you aren't going to take care of him anylonger, or as much. Back off a tad of giving all the emotional support and let it be known that he's going to have to be responsible for some of it. For example, don't ask him what he's thinking, or if something is wrong .. make him ask you.
Let him see a strained look on your face, or tension/concern of some kind .. and remain silent. Perhaps, this will prompt him into approaching a conversation with you.
don't know if that will help him to get off his butt and put forth more effort into his career and taking care of things, but, it might suggest to him that your doing more work than he is. Like you said, you can't tell an Aries what to do .. but, you can get his attention by NOT doing it all yourself.
This has been going on for a long time now .. nearly since day one .. the time is going to have to come where you have to come to terms with the fact that it may not get any better. Times like this reminds of me of that movie with Jack Nicholson
"This is as good as it gets" .. or some phrase he said, meaning .. this is it. The main thing here, that you may not be comprehending is that by going all this time picking up all the slack, doing all the emotional suffering and being accountable for him by defending his position when you know he's not pulling his wieght .. is likely the equivelancy of, "dumbing myself down" .. emotionally speaking.
You just let yourself keep getting kicked, while he remains oblivious to having any emotional respsonbility, and the time has to come where you won't allow it any longer.
Anyway .. I'm sorry this isn't getting any better for you. I wish there was something to say .. an answer out there, but, there's not
On a different note .. congrats on your accomplishments and getting your MA
btw .. how's his career going in the theatrics arena? His music?
I would think Aries being the uber male, would take this harder than most men.
My dad didnt have to get his way in that department, but im sure he would've had it any other way.
Truthseeker,I have been observing this peculiar streak to most of Ur posts - Uve been painting Ur Aries to be kinda immature, childish, indecisive, lazy and now jealous. And at the same time Uve been extolling Ur own virtues of being patient, tolerant,focused etc. etc.
Now if all that is true ( Ur leonine supremacy of course ), then U shud leave that guy immediately since it seems that hez hopelessly incorrigible and not worthy of Ur affection (already stretched thin ) as U would soon get weary of this. I wonder why "love" happens to be such an important criteria which is not allowing U get rid of this highly dissatisfying relationship.
Partially, this response is an attempt to defend Aries pride, but surely therez some objectivity to the analysis too.
Now if all that is true ( Ur leonine supremacy of course ), then U shud leave that guy immediately since it seems that hez hopelessly incorrigible and not worthy of Ur affection (already stretched thin ) as U would soon get weary of this. I wonder why "love" happens to be such an important criteria which is not allowing U get rid of this highly dissatisfying relationship.
Partially, this response is an attempt to defend Aries pride, but surely therez some objectivity to the analysis too.
Notso ..Ive been doing ok ...thanks for asking Am back in India and itz alwayz good to be in one's homeland.
And how goez life for U ?....heartening to see at least one scorpio regularly visiting the Aries board
Am back in India and itz alwayz good to be in one's homeland. And how goez life for U ?....heartening to see at least one scorpio regularly visiting the Aries board
Thanks for your suggestions, everyone! Gaurav and P, you both are pretty much aware of how long i've been dating my aries, and I particularly appreciated your advice. Gaurav, I don't want to make myself sound like I'm perfect and he's not. We both have our faults, but I think (for me) I have been extremely tolerant, more so than with any person I've ever dated. For some reason, it is VERY hard to get myself out of this relationship, and I've tried. We were off and on when we first started dating, once seperated for 3 months before he went out on a limb to get me back. I just can't shake him (and he can't shake me!) I really don't know how to explain that.
P-angel, your suggestion to stop being so supportive is important, and that's where I'm at right now. But it's hard (as I'm sure you would understand). It's hard for me to pretend not to care, not to be involved. I don't want him to think I gave up on him (which he would because of his lack of self value). But at the same time, if I continue to play the role of "martyr," he'll never learn. So I do have to back off and I will.
Thanks for everything and wish me luck no matter what happens.
P-angel, your suggestion to stop being so supportive is important, and that's where I'm at right now. But it's hard (as I'm sure you would understand). It's hard for me to pretend not to care, not to be involved. I don't want him to think I gave up on him (which he would because of his lack of self value). But at the same time, if I continue to play the role of "martyr," he'll never learn. So I do have to back off and I will.
Thanks for everything and wish me luck no matter what happens.
"Another good point I have seen & studied,Leo's will win,& Aries wants to win!"
GF...not sure that I agree with you on this one kiddo. Personally, I feel that each person no matter what sign they are will win at whatever their personal goals are.
I have a great friend (female) who is a Leo - she has dreams in her heart that bring tears to her eyes but...she will not LET GO of where she is or her past to go for those dreams - so, she suffers. An Aries will follow their heart and go for them.
Leo's being a fixed sign have a difficult time letting go - Aries being the ones who live in the moment, have no problems with letting no, nor do we live in the past.
My above friend has also stated many times to me that she is bossy and a biatch....well, she knows herself, at least this is how she perceives herself to be. In her next breath she says to me, "I wonder why I don't have many friends?"
*shrugs shoulders*
Not all Leo's are like my above stated friend - I see a huge difference in the males and the females. My dad is a Leo and to me......he is the greatest man I know!
Hey GF....how's it going with your Aries man?
GF...not sure that I agree with you on this one kiddo. Personally, I feel that each person no matter what sign they are will win at whatever their personal goals are.
I have a great friend (female) who is a Leo - she has dreams in her heart that bring tears to her eyes but...she will not LET GO of where she is or her past to go for those dreams - so, she suffers. An Aries will follow their heart and go for them.
Leo's being a fixed sign have a difficult time letting go - Aries being the ones who live in the moment, have no problems with letting no, nor do we live in the past.
My above friend has also stated many times to me that she is bossy and a biatch....well, she knows herself, at least this is how she perceives herself to be. In her next breath she says to me, "I wonder why I don't have many friends?"
*shrugs shoulders*
Not all Leo's are like my above stated friend - I see a huge difference in the males and the females. My dad is a Leo and to me......he is the greatest man I know!
Hey GF....how's it going with your Aries man?
Hey GF and FB.
I understand your points. But I must say that even though there's normally competition between Leo and Aries, there's absolutely no competition between this Leo and my Aries. We may compete over who can make the best quiche, or who can lose the most weight, but when it comes to our dreams and our successes, there's no competition because we have our own goals. I will admit that sometimes my tone of voice when talking with my Aries can be dominant and bossy. But he can be the same way and we both are aware of it in ourselves and each other. It's also something that we both have been working on. The issue isn't me bossing him around (I've got too much goin' on for myself to be bossing someone else around). The issue is...well, FB, he's a lot like your leo friend. He has dreams and would brind tears to his eyes. He's that passionate about what he wants to do. But he's stuck in his past, has many fears and insecurities, and has this attitude like the world owes him something. And because he is stuck in a rut, he takes it out on me because I'm following my dreams.
It's really hurtful becasue as a Leo and a fixed sign, I don't want to let go. I love him, I know what he's capable of, and I want to be there for him and support him. But I can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves, and it's killin' me and our relationship that he would rather have me as his safety net instead venturing off into unknown territory. It's really that bad, and I will never understand why.
He's clueless, and doesn't get why I'm so upset. He thinks that if he's charming, I'll feel better. But the truth is, he's immature and doesn't respect me (cuz of his own bitterness).
I understand your points. But I must say that even though there's normally competition between Leo and Aries, there's absolutely no competition between this Leo and my Aries. We may compete over who can make the best quiche, or who can lose the most weight, but when it comes to our dreams and our successes, there's no competition because we have our own goals. I will admit that sometimes my tone of voice when talking with my Aries can be dominant and bossy. But he can be the same way and we both are aware of it in ourselves and each other. It's also something that we both have been working on. The issue isn't me bossing him around (I've got too much goin' on for myself to be bossing someone else around). The issue is...well, FB, he's a lot like your leo friend. He has dreams and would brind tears to his eyes. He's that passionate about what he wants to do. But he's stuck in his past, has many fears and insecurities, and has this attitude like the world owes him something. And because he is stuck in a rut, he takes it out on me because I'm following my dreams.
It's really hurtful becasue as a Leo and a fixed sign, I don't want to let go. I love him, I know what he's capable of, and I want to be there for him and support him. But I can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves, and it's killin' me and our relationship that he would rather have me as his safety net instead venturing off into unknown territory. It's really that bad, and I will never understand why.
He's clueless, and doesn't get why I'm so upset. He thinks that if he's charming, I'll feel better. But the truth is, he's immature and doesn't respect me (cuz of his own bitterness).
He always says to me "You want to be with someone w/ a 9 to 5, good job, makes good money, has a college degree and etc." The truth is that he WANTS to be that someone...HE wants to make good money, HE wants to go back to school. HE's always talking about it! He's always projecting his feelings on to me. I work a 9 to 5, and it sucks. I'm attraced to spontaneity, someone who does his own thing and is not tied down to a schedule...in fact that's who I want to be. That's what attracted me to him. My partner doesn't have to have a college degree, or make lots of money and have a good job. But he does need to be ambitious, and doing something with his life. Most of all, he needs to feel respect for me, not threatened or jealous or bitter. He needs to be supportive of what i do...not throw my success in my face to make himself feel better. My aries is going through a really tough time. I want to be there for him, but not when he has such a defeatist attitude, and is comfortable just coasting.
TS...first of all - I truly was not comparing my friend situation with you...meerly stating the differences that I am aware of in my life. Sorry 'bout the misunderstanding.
Now...boy oh boy do I so understand how you are feeling with regard to seeing your Aries man be where he is emotionally. One of the many fantastic qualities about you wonderful Leo's is that warm compassionate heart of yours....you want to help everyone - hence, your "warm heart"
I too have been in that same situation - it finally gets to a point as you say where there is nothing you can do no matter how much you are there for that person, it is up to them to make their changes (and trust me, in time - the right time for that person, it WILL happen). I know you do not want to let go but.....you seem by your post and what you have written that it is really upsetting you along with "killin" you and your relationship. So, what is the payoff for you? What is it that you are seeking in a relationship? one where you feel good, are happy and both are enjoying a loving passionate relationship or one where you are dying?
I'm a bit confused as why you are choosing to be with someone who disrespects you - this is not Love, TS - this is abuse.
Me thinks this is a great time for you to look within and figure out why you need this type of relationship and how is it bringing good into your world and are you growing in a positive way from this experience? Go from there.
P.S. *sometimes "letting go" is a great act of Love
Now...boy oh boy do I so understand how you are feeling with regard to seeing your Aries man be where he is emotionally. One of the many fantastic qualities about you wonderful Leo's is that warm compassionate heart of yours....you want to help everyone - hence, your "warm heart"
I too have been in that same situation - it finally gets to a point as you say where there is nothing you can do no matter how much you are there for that person, it is up to them to make their changes (and trust me, in time - the right time for that person, it WILL happen). I know you do not want to let go but.....you seem by your post and what you have written that it is really upsetting you along with "killin" you and your relationship. So, what is the payoff for you? What is it that you are seeking in a relationship? one where you feel good, are happy and both are enjoying a loving passionate relationship or one where you are dying?
I'm a bit confused as why you are choosing to be with someone who disrespects you - this is not Love, TS - this is abuse.
Me thinks this is a great time for you to look within and figure out why you need this type of relationship and how is it bringing good into your world and are you growing in a positive way from this experience? Go from there.
P.S. *sometimes "letting go" is a great act of Love
Thanks FB...I know you weren't comparing your friends' situation to mine. But it does sound similar to my Aries.
One time, my Aries said to me "I don't know why we are together. Sometimes I think we should break up" he said some other things that were hurtful. My response was that we should break up. If you no longer know why we're together, and neither do I, then I think you're right...we should break up. I told him that there was no rush to move out (we share an apt.), and I was calm about it, you know...no fighting or tears, and that was that. The next day, he did a complete 180..didn't want to break up, didn't know what he was talking about, didn't know why he said that. This is just one of the many times I've been able to get out of the relationship and was pulled back in.
I have to admit that I've learned A LOT about myself in being with him (good and bad) and we both have grown from the experience. I want his life, but with a little structure. He's a risk taker, charming, free spirit, creative, open-minded, and much more...but he's also irresponsible, childish and self limiting. I'm not happy with the way things are, but I can't say that I'm not happy in this relationship. We have our amazing, wonderful ups, and our gut-wrencingh, niagara falls crying, downs. On top of all that, I don't know what keeps us together. Even though he treats me the way he does sometimes, I know why he does it and that he doesn't mean to and that it's all somewhat subconscious. But it's not an excuse, right...so why do I put up with it...I really wish I knew, FB.
One time, my Aries said to me "I don't know why we are together. Sometimes I think we should break up" he said some other things that were hurtful. My response was that we should break up. If you no longer know why we're together, and neither do I, then I think you're right...we should break up. I told him that there was no rush to move out (we share an apt.), and I was calm about it, you know...no fighting or tears, and that was that. The next day, he did a complete 180..didn't want to break up, didn't know what he was talking about, didn't know why he said that. This is just one of the many times I've been able to get out of the relationship and was pulled back in.
I have to admit that I've learned A LOT about myself in being with him (good and bad) and we both have grown from the experience. I want his life, but with a little structure. He's a risk taker, charming, free spirit, creative, open-minded, and much more...but he's also irresponsible, childish and self limiting. I'm not happy with the way things are, but I can't say that I'm not happy in this relationship. We have our amazing, wonderful ups, and our gut-wrencingh, niagara falls crying, downs. On top of all that, I don't know what keeps us together. Even though he treats me the way he does sometimes, I know why he does it and that he doesn't mean to and that it's all somewhat subconscious. But it's not an excuse, right...so why do I put up with it...I really wish I knew, FB.
"so why do I put up with it...I really wish I knew,"
I don't know forsure but...you will know when you know
Many things it could be (fear of letting go? fear of being alone?) - but only YOU know in your heart and when and if you are ready for a change, then it will happen and then the other alternative is, if we don't make the move ourself, it will be made by someone else. Basically what I am saying is - when a change needs to happen, it will.
Screeeeeech.......when you say, "so why do I put up with it" Cause you are choosing to.
"Even though he treats me the way he does sometimes, I know why he does it and that he doesn't mean to." YES HE DOES MEAN TO DO IT - IF HE DIDN'T, HE WOULD NOT BE TREATING YOU THAT WAY. Yes, he is who he is and most likely you will not be able to change that quality about him. I see you making excuses for his bad behaviour - what is happening here is, you feel the need to justify what he does to you - Why? Maybe you do not feel that you deserve better?
I don't know forsure but...you will know when you know
Many things it could be (fear of letting go? fear of being alone?) - but only YOU know in your heart and when and if you are ready for a change, then it will happen and then the other alternative is, if we don't make the move ourself, it will be made by someone else. Basically what I am saying is - when a change needs to happen, it will.
Screeeeeech.......when you say, "so why do I put up with it" Cause you are choosing to.
"Even though he treats me the way he does sometimes, I know why he does it and that he doesn't mean to." YES HE DOES MEAN TO DO IT - IF HE DIDN'T, HE WOULD NOT BE TREATING YOU THAT WAY. Yes, he is who he is and most likely you will not be able to change that quality about him. I see you making excuses for his bad behaviour - what is happening here is, you feel the need to justify what he does to you - Why? Maybe you do not feel that you deserve better?
You know what FB (I'm REALLY not trying to sound cocky at all!), but I guess it's hard for me to believe that someone like myself, with all my successes, ms. INDEPENDANT, ms. SELF-RELIANT, would feel so insecure and not be aware that I deserve better. Maybe I'm too proud to admit that, but you're point is so true!
I hate that about myself! I always tell people that I can handle just about anything life throws in my direction, except relationships...I SUCK at them! Mainly because I always choose the wrong person (my Saturn in Libra). errrr...now I'm really frustrated. I'm admitting right now that I obviously do not have enough love or respect for myself. So how can I expect to get it from my Aries? geese..now what!!!???!!!
I hate that about myself! I always tell people that I can handle just about anything life throws in my direction, except relationships...I SUCK at them! Mainly because I always choose the wrong person (my Saturn in Libra). errrr...now I'm really frustrated. I'm admitting right now that I obviously do not have enough love or respect for myself. So how can I expect to get it from my Aries? geese..now what!!!???!!!
Thanks solitas...my complimenting him is probably why he can't let me go, either. But I do see your point.
Hey TS - I just sent you a PM...let me know if you received it. Seems to me like it may have not gone through.
Hi FB... I didn't get your PM...could you send it again?
"He always says to me "You want to be with someone w/ a 9 to 5, good job, makes good money, has a college degree and etc."
P?
I need a hug, P!
lol@GF
Here Truthie ((hugs))
Here Truthie ((hugs))
truthseeker, feel hugged!
I know this was pulled up by someone else .. but, just in case Truthie comes back ...
(( more hugs ))
(( more hugs ))
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