family dilemma with father and siblings

Dear all

I feel kinda stuck and need some advice please – this goes back to 2003 and I’m still stuck in the same shitty family drama.

Our biological father 58yrs old:

Pisces sun
Cap moon
Aqua venus
Aqua merc
Taurus mars

Our mum 52yrs old :

Pisces sun
Aqua moon
Cap venus
Aqua merc
Leo mars

Brother 17yrs old :

Aries sun
Gem moon
Cancer venus
aries merc
aries mars

Brother 16yrs old :

Libra sun
Gem moon
Leo venus
Libra merc
Sag mars

Me 25yrs old:

aqua sun
cap moon/venus/merc
sag mars

to break it down fast – he cheated several times on my mother (she told me the truth when I was old enough) – my father left us when I was 13, the kids were only 5 and 4yrs old. He had shared custody for us and we had to spend every 2 weeks at his place. I stopped going there when I was 14, because I disliked his new girlfriend to the max. She was also the reason he left us – shit is proved. However my father made so many mistakes and he never really had the same bond with my siblings as he had with me.

My dilemma is that I was raised by him 13 yrs and he was always a wonderful father – at least as far as I could judge as a kid then – he was really showing his best side and I was “daddys little girl”. I’m aware that people change and that he isn’t the father I used to know, we fought a lot in the last decade because I always tried to make him see what he did to us and tried to make him the person he was back then – of course that’s stupid because he’ll never be the same person again.
It’s easier for my siblings to “hate” him for what he did or how he treated my mum – they only really knew him as a father for 5/4 yrs. But I’ve seen his best side for 13 yrs.

He tries to contact my brothers but they refuse to talk to him or see him. Then he comes back to me and asks me to play mediator. I’m sick and tired of asking them to contact him or meet him because they refuse. I believe it’s mostly because of my mum, she is still very very hurt – hello leo mars – and she acts all mad whenever I tell her that my father texted me or wants to see my siblings. They had enough time to make up their mind, both are 17/16 yrs old. I suggest and suggest but that’s all I can do. Last Christmas and October I finally got my brothers and him to have dinner together and spend some time together. But if it’s not me who pushes them, nothing will happen.

I’m done with trying because I’m very hurt inside too. I didn’t forget all the bad things he has done to us and my mum but still he is my father and I feel pitty for him. He on the other side pays it back with his controlling behavior regarding the money he has to pay my mother for the kids. He stopped paying bills etc etc – he made it worse and worse because he is so desperate. He is desperate and I can understand it but still, he decided back then to destroy this family and I really hate him for that. But I can’t forget about the first 13 yrs when I only saw the best in him.

Any advice?

He didn't decide to destroy the family .... your mother did, and still does, apparently.


the solution is to go to your mother, and give her the shit she deserves for influencing the siblings negatively. The reason the boys don't want to deal with father is because of her .. because she continues to bad mouth him.


A good mother doesn't participate in putting a wedge between father and children, just because she's hurt.


think about it .. you even said that after all this time, she's still hurt. so that means she is still carrying that sword wanting to punish him. And look how she has accomplished that! She has used her children as pawns to hurt him.



If you truly want to help your family ... then you need to address your mother's bad actions.

Thank you very much tiziani.

It just breaks my heart because I see how desperate he is to get back in contact with my brothers. And I also see p-angels points. It’s true she ran her mouth badly about him LATER ON. He had his huge fair share on broken promises, lies and ego battles. Both of them are guilty to a point. But in the end she was there for us when he left for a 10yrs younger secretary lol what a clichee. He is very egocentric and pushed through. I do want him to be happy but there are consequences for his reckless actions. It’s easy and quick to say “the mother influenced the little kids and they couldn’t make up their mind” –but I was 13, got shit loads of responsibilities because my mum went down into a depression hole. I know which promises he broke, I know the times he lied to safe his sorry ass and I had proven facts. It’s not just about her. But I also talked to her and told her that she should try to forgive him.

Posted by AquaNextDoor

But in the end she was there for us when he left for a 10yrs younger secretary

..... but there are consequences for his reckless actions.

It’s easy and quick to say “the mother influenced the little kids and they couldn’t make up their mind”

–but I was 13, got shit loads of responsibilities because my mum went down into a depression hole.

I know which promises he broke, I know the times he lied to safe his sorry ass and I had proven facts.

It’s not just about her.

But I also talked to her and told her that she should try to forgive him

1. actually, that's not true according to the OP. You stated that he was there the entire time, trying to keep the relationship with his kids going

2. a person isn't suppose to be paying for consequences 13 years later. That's pretty extreme, don't you think? I mean, I get the fuck up, but, 13 years later and YOU are still saying that he should be paying for the consequences? You weren't talking for your mother ... those were your words. That's very telling of you. Sounds like you need to work on forgiveness.

3. she did influence their minds. The way you said, "It's easy and quick to say" sounds like you agree with your mother, and are defending her position ... because the truth is, she IS negatively influencing the children when she shouldn't have. You're on a side here ... I would imagine your mother makes sure of that.

4. at 13 years old, your mother dumped bullshit on you that you should have never been exposed to. It's true that she needed help if she was in a depression, but, it was unfair of her to load it off on a child to carry for her. She should have never told you what the problem was between them. she was wrong for doing that.

5. For you to know which promises he broke, and what he did to save face isn't your business. That was between husband and wife. for you to say you have proven facts, indicates which side you are standing on. You come in here pretending to trying and get your siblings to accept their father, but, clearly, you're lying to him, if you're telling him that you're not on a side. Because you are. There's a right and wrong here .. the right is - this is between them. The wrong - you in the middle. By you saying words in where you suggest your mother has not fault, while you're father is the fuck up is clearly showing that you've taken a side. so, when you tell him that you know and that you understand, and that you agree with him ... you're lying to him.

6. no, it's not just about her. why would you even say that? who said it was? you're defending her bad actions. she has responsibility and you completely ignore that to say, "it isn't just her" .. when nobody said it was. According to what you said in the OP, you don't believe she has any responsibility AT ALL, because if you thought she did

6. no, it's not just about her. why would you even say that? who said it was? you're defending her bad actions. she has responsibility and you completely ignore that to say, "it isn't just her" .. when nobody said it was. According to what you said in the OP, you don't believe she has any responsibility AT ALL, because if you thought she did then you would have addressed it.

7. why would you tell her to forgive him? this isn't about her. she doesn't EVER have to forgive him. The problem here isn't who she forgives or doesnt' forgive.



It's about her wanting her own children to experience the love from their father. If you plan on talking to her ... then address the goddam issue, and quit dancing around. You said this was a dilemma since 2003 and nothing you've said in here even remotely describes you addressing the issue.

be real

OP should stop interacting with the father because he deserves to go on with his life and the previous family is only dragging him down into their negativity.
Give him a break OP.

He was abusive to her in the end before he left without saying goodbye. Its true I shouldnt be in the middle. But I was and I'd do it over and over again because we dont have any family in germany. Her whole family is in the philippines. Many teens would turn away but I was there for her and the kids. Did it harm me? Yes. But that was the right thing to do for me back then.

I always tried to keep the peace as much as possible cuz I have that damn mum teresa complex lol. But yeh its really time to let them do it on their own. And yes there will always be consequences for our actions such as lying, being abusive and not paying damn money for the kids as u r supposed to do, espeically if u can afford two houses and a brand new audi. No excuses to be made.

Thanks for your opinions, I go back figuring it out on my own how to proceed.

Posted by hydorah
OP should stop interacting with the father because he deserves to go on with his life and the previous family is only dragging him down into their negativity.
Give him a break OP.

U sound like him. Pisces sun lol. Always the fault of others.

I cheat on my wife, I leave without saying goodbye, I refuse to pay the share of money and yes I lie a lot to justify my actions because I'm bisy with building my new life with a new chick. Yes, I'm really the good guy.

Sorry. But thats weak af