Another damsel in distress over cancer man.

I met my cancer man back in May. We hit it off instantly. After two weeks of getting to know each other, he made me his girlfriend. Consequently, it's been a bumpy road. He broke up with me about a month into our relationship because I was still crying rivers over my ex boyfriend before him. We discussed it and decided we moved too fast and wanted to slow things down. 2 weeks went by and I agreed to hang out with him again. 2 days later he's head over heals, proclaiming his deep feelings for me and asking me to be his girlfriend. Stupid me--I fell weak at the knees and agreed without hesitation. 2 months later, he's breaking up with me AGAIN, but this time because he's "lost feelings for me."

It wasn't until 2 weeks ago that we finally had a heart to heart where he told me that the real reason he broke up with me was because I started emotionally shutting down. He told me that I stopped communicating with him, went sour and started to push him away. What he says is true. I was so afraid of losing him again, so afraid that he would leave me like the last time that I stopped expressing my feelings and needs to him because I thought THAT would push him away. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a very abusive man, and was very insecure, always imagining slight. Anyway, after this talk I told him I needed to know where this was going (we've been on/off friends with benefits since we've broken up. Many times I tried to walk away but he always kept popping back into my life saying things genuinely like, "I want to get to know you again" and asking to hang out) He told me that he's seriously considering us getting back together because he thinks we're making great progress with our communication and honesty. But the thing is--he seems EXTREAMLY hesitant to commit, where the last times he acted so hastily at the thought of being in a relationship with me. He seems quick to bring up my faults, but I wonder if he understands how much abruptly leaving me twice hurt and that he should have called me out on my issues before breaking up with me so hastily. I understand I brought my fair share of baggage into our relationship but it is his insecurity that leads to our literal seperation. He was quick to get in, and quick to get out.

I need advice. Since the break up he's been randomly cold and distant, moody as all getup. Since the talk about us getting back together 5 days ago I haven't heard a word from him. I'm offended and hurt.

His behavior this time just seems so different. Not only is he much more gaurded and distant, it almost seems as though there is a definite lack of interest where he'll go into his shell for a few weeks and then come out re-charged. But the cycle just keeps repeating and it's a roller coaster ride for me. I feel helpless at times with him.

Who's that, in the picture?

LMAO @ Mr. Crabby!

Girl, just tell him to snap out of it!

Get it?

Mr. Crabby - Her name is Lenka.
Scubafish - I told him yesterday that I needed to have a talk with him (again) and he seemed incredibly annoyed. He seems more interested in hanging out with his friends then spending time with me. His words completely contradict his actions and I'm SO freaking confused. I know my cancer, he wouldn't say he was thinking about us getting back together if he didn't mean it but, why all the animosity towards me?

Mr. Crabby - Her name is Lenka.
Scubafish - I told him yesterday that I needed to have a talk with him (again) and he seemed incredibly annoyed. He seems more interested in hanging out with his friends then spending time with me. His words completely contradict his actions and I'm SO freaking confused. I know my cancer, he wouldn't say he was thinking about us getting back together if he didn't mean it but, why all the animosity towards me?

Wineaux - What you are saying is right, he's acting as though he wants me to completely win him over and correct all of my mistakes. He's very different from me. If I want something, I throw caution to the wind (typical gem trait) and don't overly stress too much about what I could be losing. He's the opposite, like you said, he's now testing the waters but I can't help but think I'm being slighted or used because I would never act like his to someone.

He knows exactly how to push my buttons and when he acts so apathetic like this, it drives me to sheer insanity. Yesterday I got in an argument with him where I told him he waits around to see if better plans come along, and then agrees to hang out with me only if he has nothing better to do. He got very upset by this and told me he's sick of me making assumptions and accusations about him and that if I feel that way why do I bother with him.

It's hard for me to keep my head streight with him. I'm so head over heals for him and I wish he could bend just a little.

And also - I read about the "push-pull" thing on here and it's completely correct. Now, whenever we get intimate or reach some sort of agreement or emotional breakthrough, he backs away for days and days. At first I think he's testing me, and then as the days go by I get insecure and think he's messing with me.

But I think he's testing me, waiting for me to freak out and drop him. I really do. Everytime I freak out on him or I storm out mad, he tells me I'm doing it again...I'm pushing him away. So I started being open with him. Now I think he's just trying to withold like it's going out of style just to see how I react....so far I think I've failed. 😢

Thanks for the advice! This makes so much sense....but goodness it's so hard to stay grounded. I feel like my biggest issue with him is staying calm and collected because if I don't, I push him away.

I may take you up on that offer about the PMing for advice. Thanks so much girl!

yeah, you both had a lot of petty drama and misunderstandings in the beginning so i'm sure now he is wary of you x3. that trust is gonna take some serious time to re-build. it looks like he's interested in having some space, spending time with those he knows are predictable and familiar, so i would concentrate on just being his friend right now. let things flow naturally. don't try to push for anything but be straight up with him at all times.

mostly i think you should stop to concentrate on yourself. you came from a messed up situation right at the time he came along and i don't think you're even ready to move on to another person yet.

Posted by wineaux

*and yes, he's acting as if he wants you to correct all of your mistakes because he DOES want you to correct all of your mistakes. he won't stick around to go through the same thing again.

Agreed!

Sounds like its all your fault as I'm reading everything. You need to change some things and it can last. At least he told you what the problem was, most water men aren't great communicators.

Maddy-- Thank you! Yes sometimes I think it's our differences that keep us together (and also apart). He's a mystery to me, a challenge and I'm sure he feels relatively the same about me.

Ninjamu-- Yeah, he told me that he's not even technically "wanting" a relationship right now. Which is slightly contradictory because he just told me today that he's willing to work on us getting back together. I don't think he knows what he wants and it looks like it's up to me to show him. A lot of that petty drama had just as much to do with him as it did with me...that trust goes both ways.

Prettyladii-- It took me MONTHS to get this out of him. Lots of prodding and finally he found a way to convey the truth to me. Since then a lot has changed...he's gone from saying he doesn't see me as a girlfriend anymore and doesn't want us to get back together to saying that he still has feelings for me and wants to work on things. 🙂