Cancer Ex...advice please

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by Astraea on Saturday, July 10, 2010 and has 20 replies.
Hi Guys
I am a Virgo and need some advice re my ex Cancer man. My story with him is kind of long so I will cut it as short as I can. My questions are, do you think there is chance he will come back? and what is my best course of action?
I first met this guy 35 years ago when we were 5. You could say he was my first boyfriend (if you can call it that at that age) We sat next to each other in class for the next 2 years until he moved away with his parents. That was the last I heard of him until.....
Almost 2 years ago I had an email from him out of the blue. He had fund me on line and decided to contact me. I was married (very unhappily I might add) and he had been divorced for many years. At first we just emailed maybe weekly, then more frequently. He was very charming and friendly, he wanted to know everything about me. Our emails soon developed into daily online chats, and we decided to meet up. He had settled over 100 miles way but had family closer to me whom he saw on a regular basis.
Things intensified quite quickly after this and he asked me to leave my husband to be with him. However I found it difficult to do this for many reasons, the main one being guilt at hurting my husband. My marriage had been pretty much over for a long time but my husband was very dependant on me. I needed time to get my head together and sort myself out A couple of times throughout our year long relationship we both agreed to call it quits. I didn't want to make him wait around for me and he said that he didn't want to add to the pressure I was already under at home. Both times however he contacted me within a week or two saying that he didn't want to be without me in his life.
We continued like this until I foolishly said to him one day that we were making each other miserable and that I couldn't do this anymore. I regretted it from the moment I said it, but it was too late.He logged off and that was that! I waited for the text or the email but it never came. He logged in to his messenger now and again but never spoke. I waited a while then tried to apologise, things were frosty but we were kind of speaking. Then just as we were going to get together to talk things through my husband had an accident that meant he needed looking after for a while. The next time we spoke my Cancer man said that the decision had been made for us. I saw him once a month or so after this. He said he was ???no longer there??. That was 8 months ago. Is there any hope?
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Once I've felt like someone else has been chosen over me, it's truly over. I've tried to get close after that, but I realized I could never do it. Even if it happened after all, I don't think it would be very happy times.
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Thank you for your reply, even if it was not the answer I wanted to hear Sad The most frustrating thing is that I had made my "choice" and it was him, but i allowed circumstances to get in the way. i was trying to do the right thing by everyone and boy did I get it wrong.
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And yes gem my head agrees with what you are saying but my heart is another matter altogether Sad
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Posted by Astraea
Thank you for your reply, even if it was not the answer I wanted to hear Sad The most frustrating thing is that I had made my "choice" and it was him, but i allowed circumstances to get in the way. i was trying to do the right thing by everyone and boy did I get it wrong.

I'm thinking it must have been really hard for him to be on the outside anyway, that last bit just settled it. I'm not sure you would have been too happy anyway to be honest, so don't be too sad. Personally, I need to know that I'm the only person that could ever matter, otherwise I'll never be happy or at peace.
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Posted by gemtaur
cut your losses, hold your head up high, and keep moving.




I guess therein lies the hardest thing of all. This whole situation blew my facade of marriage out of the water, there is no going back to that either. In time I hope I can see that as a positive thing; but for now it feels like I have caused hurt and lost everything for nothing. Thanks again for your reply gem.
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Posted by mr.crabby
Posted by Astraea
Thank you for your reply, even if it was not the answer I wanted to hear Sad The most frustrating thing is that I had made my "choice" and it was him, but i allowed circumstances to get in the way. i was trying to do the right thing by everyone and boy did I get it wrong.

I'm thinking it must have been really hard for him to be on the outside anyway, that last bit just settled it. I'm not sure you would have been too happy anyway to be honest, so don't be too sad. Personally, I need to know that I'm the only person that could ever matter, otherwise I'll never be happy or at peace.
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WOW!! I wish he had been a bit more upfront about that; I might have been a bit more prepared.
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So Mr crabby I have a question for you. Do Cancers love "differently" to other star signs because this guy was declaring his undying love for me only days before he cut me out so completely. I uderstand that he felt hurt, but I was dying inside because of his reaction, but it didn't stop me loving him. I couldn't just switch that off like he appeared to. Or was it all a big lie, just a game to him?.
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It's more likely that his feelings were messed up. Rejection and insecurity leads to retreat and escape. Just thinking strongly about someone you once loved can make you think you still love them also.
People can say what they want about games and manipulation but it's usually just unclear feelings on his part, he wants to make it work but he knows that it can't be right so he might try anyway and see how it goes and then retreats because it was obviously a bad idea, etc... I've contacted people a year after we stopped talking and often regretted it. The others were quite annoyed too.
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But yeah, the stronger the feelings the farthest I'll run away when things blow up in my face.
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You guys are awesome.It's becoming much clearer to me now. And gem you are so right. I only wish i had the opportunity to discuss this issue with my ex as eloquently as you two do.
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If I have understood correctly my ex percieved that he was my "second choice" and thus never going to be the centre of my universe, despite my words (and actions) to the contrary; and he ran because of his pre concieved ideas that it was never going to work anyway?. He cut me off so completely because he had strong feelings for me? Why on earth did he ever bother in the first place?. He knew my situation almost from day 1.
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Crabs can give a lot, they just have to know that it won't be wasted on someone who can't appreciate it or will disappear. Even if there's no one else involved and it's just you two, it still takes a long time. We reject quickly but we don't accept you quickly unless we feel how amazing you are right away.
Honestly, if there's any possibility of someone else on your part, I'm just gone in a nanosecond. We actually give a lot but we need a lot in return. It's a very demanding relationship.
I'll repeat myself a bit by saying that he was trying against his own will and he probably regrets it, I don't see how great this could have been. If someone's married or kinda maybe seeing someone sometimes, I don't even want to know their name, I don't care.
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Posted by gemtaur
What do Geminis know about feelings anyway?



Obviously enough to make me begin to see things a little clearer. I guess I really couldn't have done things much differently than i did without compromising who i am; living with the emotional conseuences of that would have been almost unbearable. I only wish that I could have made him understand that noone was "chosen" over him, there was no contest it was him all the way. I just needed to do things in the least painful way for all concerned, for my own emotional wellbeing as much as everyone elses. That way I could have gone to him confident that I had done the best for everyone. He only needed to wait a little longer and he most certainly would have been the centre of my universe.
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I personally don't believe in compromise. Maybe being more open about the situation would have been more beneficial than rejection though. Don't beat yourself up.
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Posted by gemtaur
The emotional selfishness again: if the shoe was on the other foot - if the Cancer was seeing someone or pretending to in order to keep a distance out of self-protection or whatever - then he would expect you to stick around and "fight for him". A Cancer will reject you and tell you he's not interested when in fact he is and then expects you to swallow your pride and self-respect - something he clearly won't do - in order to prove to him you're interested and are going to wait around for him (rather than get on with your life after he's rejected you).
In my book, that's called double standards; in his, it's known as love. And he does care but the forgiveness trait seems to have skipped the male Cancer gene pool. They are their worst own enemies. They pass up the potential of beautiful possibilities out of fear. It's enough to make any woman join a convent.

There are no standards or double standards, it's just feelings. FEELINGS ARE NOT A FUCKING BUSINESS DEAL. I don't expect people to act and function like I do. I'm complicated, hopefully you're not and we'll make it work. Some people find Taurus boring, I find them adorable and stable. People find Cancer too demanding, I find them passionate and deep. Scorpios are evil? I find them intense.
Get me or GTFO, I don't care. If that's what I need and demand, that's how it is. Others are easier to please but the rewards are less.
How is it a beautiful possibility if you're having doubts and uncertainty and you don't feel like you can trust the other? I call that a worthless possibility and I'll walk away from it.
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Posted by mr.crabby
Crabs can give a lot, they just have to know that it won't be wasted on someone who can't appreciate it or will disappear. Even if there's no one else involved and it's just you two, it still takes a long time. We reject quickly but we don't accept you quickly unless we feel how amazing you are right away.
Honestly, if there's any possibility of someone else on your part, I'm just gone in a nanosecond. We actually give a lot but we need a lot in return. It's a very demanding relationship.
I'll repeat myself a bit by saying that he was trying against his own will and he probably regrets it, I don't see how great this could have been. If someone's married or kinda maybe seeing someone sometimes, I don't even want to know their name, I don't care.


Mr Crabby, your insight has been invaluable to me and I really appreciate your input, it really helps a lot, but I am finding your sign even more puzzling than ever.
You say "We reject quickly but we don't accept you quickly unless we feel how amazing you are right away" Well he accepted me pretty damn quick, even knowing my whole life story; and I mean whole. I told that guy things nobody knows. I never met anyone that made me open up like he did. He knew I was married from the very first email, and there was no mention of me being unhappy in it either, and he certainly didnt run anywhere. So that must mean I am pretty amazing right?
You also say "I don't see how great this could have been" Well he stuck around for almost a year, telling me every day how much he wanted me. The feeling was mutual. Yeah it was hard on us both but the time we spent together was pretty great; wouldn't he have run sooner if it wasn't?. I gave him 2 opportunities to call it quits during that time, both times he was back within a fortnight.
I guess what I am trying to say is that if I am so amazing so as to cause him to stick around despite his "better" judgement, didn't he just potentially walk away from what could have been the best thing that ever happened to him?.
Silly Mr Cancer
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Posted by gemtaur
Never mind that this someone else is her sick husband. Imagine. He's taking advantage of a married woman who's in a loveless relationship and desperate for an emotional connection and he's the one being "chosen over".
You have your answer from a Cancer man. This is what you want to invest in?
The question is not whether he will come back, but whether you want to be with someone who only thinks of himself and his needs. I think he saw you as an easy target and went as far as he could with you. Don't waste your time sitting around beating yourself up over what you could have or should have or shouldn't have said. A man, no matter his sign, will pursue you if he's genuinely interested. You want to be with a man who doesn't have the emotional maturity to recognize the situation you're in and isn't willing to compromise? I'm sure he must've been quite the catch in first grade, but at 40 he's got "loser" written all over him.
If I were you I would block him and focus on myself and what I want to do with my marriage. Once you get that sorted out, you'll see things in a whole new light.


Wow, I could not have conveyed this better. Very well said.
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But Astraea is/was married... did I miss something there??? Her dedication is/was to her husband no matter how miserable she says it is/was. In my experience, Cancers will hold out for what they believe to be true... and in this case, it wasn't true for him, because it wasn't true for her!!!
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true to heart, that is!
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