cancer man manipulation, how can I handle this?

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by libraolga on Saturday, September 10, 2016 and has 25 replies.
I'm looking for some insight. I'll be really grateful for you guys. I met this cancer guy through some common friends, with whom I went to a party at his place. during party days he took me with him to his other place and when he went to get grocery he asked me to join him. we spent some time together. I didnt feel anything more than just "friends" from his side but a friend told he seems to like me and I ignored it. we spent a whole year friends on fb but never talked. the last 2 months we chatted and he told me that he likes me. since I was recently hurt in a relationship and I found him very direct about his feelings, I wasnt responsive. anyway, I live in a different city. so he told me if I visit the capital we should me. I did visit the capital several times, but he never made clear plans for meeting up. I had to ask him out couple of times for coffee. one time, after the coffee, I drove him to his place and we stayed at his place for a while and we we talked. then he had a phone call. while he was on the phone, he kissed me on my cheek. after the phone, he told that he's gona be direct and honest. he likes me a lot, he feels comfortable around me and he wants to have a relationship with me, and it's up to me now to decide. I asked him what I'm supposed to do and he told to kiss him. I hesitated but then I did (I started to like him that's why). then, I told him that he needs to be aware of our differences, that I live in another city and that I've never had sex. he was shocked. he asked me why and I said I want serious relationship and wont have sex till I get married (I'm not even convinced with what I said, I want a true and meaningful relationship that's when Ill have sex). he told me that this is the last thing he thought we'll be different about and he said that he cant have a relationship with no sex involved. he can wait for a while but he's not sure he can handle that for years till we can marry and that for him sex is the supreme part when 2 people love. he was so sad and disappointed (me too). we parted and he sent me a text with a heart after . I thought it over and decided to fix it. so the next day called him and asked to meet. we met. he didnt let me speak, he told he felt like he losr someone really close, that he decided to look for schools abroad. I told him not to (he jumped and kissed me), and I told him, that I freaked out yesterday and just wanted to make it hard bc I was hurt before. he started complaing abt our differences. I asked him to give us a chance and see how it'll evolves. he accepted and said he's with me.. we made out (we both enjoyed it a lot).I told him, that he should be honest with me and not to hurt me, even if his honesty will cause me pain he should do it. he said why I think he's gonna hurt me and that he'll never do. he seemed very happy. next day, he didnt contact all morning. so I called to check on him and we talked. (rest of the story in the next comment)
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as I'm leaving the city, I texted to tell him. if he wanted to meet up. he didnt respond at all. I called him after some hours, but didnt pick up. Late at night, he texted me telling me he was sleeping (since he stayed awake all night the night before). so what do you think? shall I call him and ask to meet for an hour or so before I leave? (as last chance, so I wont regret not trying once I move on)? is he manipulating me? does he really like me? I feel like I fell to his trap and now he's rejecting me. please I need advice. I started to get attached to him.
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His behavior has nothing to do with manipulation. The dilemma here is that you do not trust your own instincts. You're probably a poor judge of character. In order to control the outcome, you're trying to manipulate the current relationsip with the pretentious pro-abstinence stance. (We both know most pro-abstinence women wait until they marry their church boys...the Cancer guy would have never been in your radar).


You enter a relationship with both eyes open, trust your intuition, actively listen and observe carefully. Allow the relationship to flow organically, enjoy the moments, and have fun with it.


Placing ridiculous stipulations isn't going to prevent you from a broken heart.
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I am a Cancer and take it from me, all the cancer men I have met ended up being sketchy...Guys will do and say anything to get what they want and I just had a conversation ironically with a friend about a mutual friend we both know, he isn't a cancer or anything but he had wanted to take her virginity and she still didn't give it up to him even though she loved him at the time ( they were dating) She saved it for her now boyfriend who treats her like a princess...If he cannot be grown and say okay you've been holding on to your virginity for awhile I want you to give it when you're ready instead of some bullshit about thats how you show love ? He clearly has lust confused with love because when you love someone you respect all their decisions and support them. He is undisciplined, unlike you, if he cannot even stay in a committed relationship till marriage and wait for you when YOU'RE ready...Remember, you're the most important and at the end of the day the only person you can really rely on is yourself so don't let yourself down by allowing losers to let you down...If you really want to keep your virginity till marriage then do it or until you feel you have found the right person, when you do you won't have to be coming on here asking questions to get answers you secretly already know yourself. Don't get played girl.
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He might or might not be intentionally manipulating you. however you best judge him by his action. Does he gives you beautiful words but his actions seems to be opposite? If that's the case it's better you just detach yourself from him.
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Posted by Poppyseeds
He might or might not be intentionally manipulating you. however you best judge him by his action. Does he gives you beautiful words but his actions seems to be opposite? If that's the case it's better you just detach yourself from him.


yeah, he doesnt keep his words. he once called me and told me that he might visit me in my town on his way to another town in a family trip. I told him that Ill be available and show him around, but then he told me that his family changed their plans (I didnt buy this). Also, he says he really wants to see me but it was me who takes the initiative to meet him up. He told me that he should feel that the feelings are reciprocated, and that he expects me to call him as well. he doesnt like to be the one who calls and asks all the time.when I show him interest and told him that I like him too, he said he feels happy about it.

I think he's a man full of words but no actions. I'm not attached to him. I got used to him, his texts and calls I guess. I liked the person and liked the idea that we can be more than just friends. I feel disappointed that he appears to be not as solid as he seemed in the beginning.. so that's why Im asking in this forum..
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He was pretty forth coming with his thoughts about "liking" you and your no sex rule before marriage which are both heavy issues that spooked him, and you'll most likely encounter this " spooked" scenario with men going forward. I didn't sense manipulation, he changed his mind, maybe he'll reach out at some point but for right now he's moved on.
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I agree with what a couple people have said about keeping your virginity. You need to keep your confidence. As a scorpio I agree that sex can be a deeper way of showing love, but not everyone sees it that way. Girl you wait. Wait for your husband or for some guy who treats you like a princess with no pressure, because that is the only type of person who will really value that part of you.

I wish I never lost my virginity when I was so young. I completely lost myself over it for a time. Then one day I realized that for me it was an emotional connection, and for some of the boyfriends I had had, it wasn't. I completely got taken advantage of, and from that point on, I decided to change. It was SOOO hard to stop having sex. But now I haven't for 3 years & I finally found a guy who respects that and treats me like a princess. I'm gonna marry him someday and give him everything when he is my husband. He feels exactly the same way even though he isn't a virgin and we both have to have a lot of self control. It's so worth it though.

My point is, girl, you're in the right. Don't think that YOU have to "fix things"

I have a feeling that he is subconsciously messing with you to see how much you can handle before you cave and give it to him. Be strong and give HIM the ultimatum. Tell HIM that he can like it or leave it. Be careful getting attached to someone like that because he has nothing to lose, and you do. Don't give him anything until he treats you like a princess, i'm talking long-term. Because people tend to show their true colors after a few months in a relationship. You can wait and see what happens, but honestly, I'd go find myself a different man.
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he told his friends about me already. a common friend made some comments abt it to me. so the manipulation I talked about happened before the no sex discussion. the next day, I explained my no sex rule. I told him it has nothing to do with marriage (I almost had sex with my ex, but things went downhill fast). it's related to the right person that's it. he agreed to give us a try. we payed around. about him ignoring me afterwards, in fact, he answered my calls the day I was leaving the city (he said that he was tired and slept all the time that's why he didnt respond to my texts). I again I didnt buy this and I find it really weird that people devise lies instead of saying the truth. I told him to be honest with me even if it hurts.. but well..

so if someone doesnt want to deal with you romantically, why they answer the phone and pretend like they care?

when I he answered my call, I told him that I wanted to share with him some good news (abt a scholarship I received), I didnt complain about what happened.he was happy for me. he ignored a text I sent to ask him how he is. at night, he posted a video of a dj playing in a bar. I posted a comment. no reply and since then, I havent contacted him.
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Posted by scorpio24356
I agree with what a couple people have said about keeping your virginity. You need to keep your confidence. As a scorpio I agree that sex can be a deeper way of showing love, but not everyone sees it that way. Girl you wait. Wait for your husband or for some guy who treats you like a princess with no pressure, because that is the only type of person who will really value that part of you.

I wish I never lost my virginity when I was so young. I completely lost myself over it for a time. Then one day I realized that for me it was an emotional connection, and for some of the boyfriends I had had, it wasn't. I completely got taken advantage of, and from that point on, I decided to change. It was SOOO hard to stop having sex. But now I haven't for 3 years & I finally found a guy who respects that and treats me like a princess. I'm gonna marry him someday and give him everything when he is my husband. He feels exactly the same way even though he isn't a virgin and we both have to have a lot of self control. It's so worth it though.

My point is, girl, you're in the right. Don't think that YOU have to "fix things"

I have a feeling that he is subconsciously messing with you to see how much you can handle before you cave and give it to him. Be strong and give HIM the ultimatum. Tell HIM that he can like it or leave it. Be careful getting attached to someone like that because he has nothing to lose, and you do. Don't give him anything until he treats you like a princess, i'm talking long-term. Because people tend to show their true colors after a few months in a relationship. You can wait and see what happens, but honestly, I'd go find myself a different man.
I totally agree with you scorpio24356. that's what I'm afraid of, to be driven by desire and end up losing myself. my ex never pushed me to do it, he was very respectful in this regard. with this one, I share lots of things and I deeply hope there are seeds of good character in him.. not to focus on physicality and aim for a healthy relationship (which he said he wants)
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Posted by libraolga


I totally agree with you scorpio24356. that's what I'm afraid of, to be driven by desire and end up losing myself. my ex never pushed me to do it, he was very respectful in this regard. with this one, I share lots of things and I deeply hope there are seeds of good character in him.. not to focus on physicality and aim for a healthy relationship (which he said he wants)


Yeah, you're right. I'd say, go with your gut. Some super close, even attractive friends make better friends than boyfriends. You know for yourself that there are guys out there like your ex who won't pressure you, so now you just need to make your choice. Just be very careful of attachment, for us women it will make any man irresistible. I was super emotionally attached at the beginning of my relationship with my cap man, and he helped me to take a step back and try loving with a balance of logic and emotion. Keep yourself busy with your life to avoid attachment, or date other guys maybe? Unless you both have for sure decided that you're in a serious relationship. Also give him a little space every once in a while so he will start to realize that you are serious and not a pushover. Don't ignore him, but keep yourself busy so you have legitimate reasons for not responding immediately. It will help him to not become possessive, thinking you ignored him, and also make him rethink his decisions. Helps to put a stop to manipulation, and you will slowly gain more confidence in focusing for yourself...not that you are constantly obsessing over him right now, but these are just a few tips for if you find yourself feeling too overly attached in the future. smile
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Just to be clear i'm not baiting you into an argument libraolga but it feels like you're bargaining off your virginity for a real and proper relationship so although your intentions are pure the man you're dealing with may also feel manipulated.


To think of it another way....Why should a sexually active man give up sex to be with you? Plus you live in a whole notha city. So not only is he giving up sex but he's giving up the physical sides of affection and connection and for a sexually active man that is a lot to lose/give up. IMO he seems like a good guy but realized he cannot measure up to the impossible standards that will be required to be with you.


This whole concept that you won't give it it up unless certain expectations are met can be seen as manipulation and honestly it's quite childish and out dated. No grown sexually active heterosexual male will subject himself to painful blue balls make out sessions long term so UNLESS he's chosen celibacy, is a virgin/born again virgin himself or practicing abstinence the percentage of relationship failure ie a man running in the other direction, having a change of heart, changing his mind is very high.
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Posted by tiki33
Just to be clear i'm not baiting you into an argument libraolga but it feels like you're bargaining off your virginity for a real and proper relationship so although your intentions are pure the man you're dealing with may also feel manipulated.


To think of it another way....Why should a sexually active man give up sex to be with you? Plus you live in a whole notha city. So not only is he giving up sex but he's giving up the physical sides of affection and connection and for a sexually active man that is a lot to lose/give up. IMO he seems like a good guy but realized he cannot measure up to the impossible standards that will be required to be with you.


This whole concept that you won't give it it up unless certain expectations are met can be seen as manipulation and honestly it's quite childish and out dated. No grown sexually active heterosexual male will subject himself to painful blue balls make out sessions long term so UNLESS he's chosen celibacy, is a virgin/born again virgin himself or practicing abstinence the percentage of relationship failure ie a man running in the other direction, having a change of heart, changing his mind is very high.
he's not giving up sex. it will happen as the relationship develops, as we feel mutual trust over time.. I thought of being sexually involved with him already.. I thought that cancer men are into feelings and meaningful relationships. when I told him, I'm not ready for a relationship, he said that he's willing to wait and give me my time, if this is gonna lead to an amazing story between us. so it's disappointing that he immidiately changed his mind bc I said that I wont have sex (an idea I communicated badly), and then explaining that I need time and making out.. this might be a lost case I understand this..
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No sex until marriage was a deal breaker. That means someone has to be madly in love with you to want to obey to that type of commitment. Although I'm not knocking you down for your choices, there are so many girls that give up their bodies too easily. Of course he's going to go with one of them instead of you.
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Posted by libraolga
Posted by Poppyseeds
He might or might not be intentionally manipulating you. however you best judge him by his action. Does he gives you beautiful words but his actions seems to be opposite? If that's the case it's better you just detach yourself from him.


yeah, he doesnt keep his words. he once called me and told me that he might visit me in my town on his way to another town in a family trip. I told him that Ill be available and show him around, but then he told me that his family changed their plans (I didnt buy this). Also, he says he really wants to see me but it was me who takes the initiative to meet him up. He told me that he should feel that the feelings are reciprocated, and that he expects me to call him as well. he doesnt like to be the one who calls and asks all the time.when I show him interest and told him that I like him too, he said he feels happy about it.

I think he's a man full of words but no actions. I'm not attached to him. I got used to him, his texts and calls I guess. I liked the person and liked the idea that we can be more than just friends. I feel disappointed that he appears to be not as solid as he seemed in the beginning.. so that's why Im asking in this forum..
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Its good that you have your eyes opened and noticed the disconnection between his words and actions. I think you already have the answer, time often expose people for who they are.
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Tiki-


Libraolga is using the pro-abstinence stance as a source of manipulation.


She is not looking for a nice Christian boy, she's just a poor judge of character and does not trust her instincts.


There is nothing manipulative about tis Cancer boy.


Despite everything she's been told about this man, she refuses to listen....and respect his wishes.


I think she needs to change the title to "How do I get this Cancer man to be OK with the way I want things."


There is nothing stupid about a Libra.
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@Libraolga,


What would you have preferred this Cancer man to do?

Stick around as a friend, no promise of a relationship (your words).

No sex (your words).

But to build something, meaningful, and long distance (your words).


To support your 'hogwash' idea of a proper courtship.


Maybe he should have stuck around, told you what you wanted to hear.

Told you that he respected your values and your need for not wanting a relationship right now.

Friend-zoned you.

And continued to keep in contact with you.

While re-affirming that he supports your pseudo-beliefs...but still trying to figure out how he is going to manipulate his way into your draws.


But instead, he opted to bow out a gracefully, like a proper gentleman.

Respecting your wishes.


Wht can't you respect his?
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*why* (spell correction)
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As a woman myself I can actually can appreciate your boundary and I believe that eventually you will meet a man that won't run but you gotta allow a man some space to figure out his truth without vilifying him.


The guy has a right to choose not to be with you if he feel he's in a place were he isn't ready for a woman that requires him to develop a relationship before having sex.


Your boundary puts him in a position were you're going to run how the relationship is going to unfold before you reward him so in my mind If I was a man I'd leave it alone not because I'm manipulative but because I have other options that don't require so much work.l


Give the guy a break. Yes he came across as being a potential option at first but he seemed reluctant to go on with you even if he did make out with you which is a natural reaction. He's not super human he's flawed and human, maybe he made some mistakes along the way as far as the whole disconnect between his words and actions but that doesn't make him into a manipulative user.
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@taurusbull1977


hahaha I thought of changing the title actually. but didnt know how. I can modify the text but not the title. the manipulation Im talking about is when he said he will give me my time in this relation and then as I mentioned sex, he bacame irresponsive, when he said that he likes me but never make effort.

I'm not manipulating him. I told him clearly how I want things to go. when I explained myself and my stance, I clearly asked him whether he would like to give us a chance, we will see whether this likeness will grow into love and things will follow from there. and he said he wants to be with me. several times, I checked with him and made sure he feels comfortable to say his opinion honestly and openly. he said "I'm with you and I won't hurt you". his change of stance is what's making me question him. there's nothing easy than being honest and direct. he didnt need to go side ways like this. a text message can do the job well. I'm a girl and very sensitive person, but I think in relationships it's healthy and important to state things clearly.

to be honest I regret I brought this up with him. sometimes better if we leave things go naturally without mention. this is manipulation I guess. wait till we are into it and then bam, I'm vergin :p

I left him alone. I havent contacted him, even though I still think of him (since we clicked and we share lots of things).

the distance wont be a problem.. Im trying to relocate now. it takes time yes but it's doeable... he wasnt worried abt it when I mentioned it in the beginning.

about how to get this cancer guy back title, I entertain the idea.. but I dont think this can be done..
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Listen to your own words. 'I told him clearly how (I) ,want things to go. You have this me me me tone of entitlement as if the situation has to be on your terms only. A man will walk away from that which is one reason why he's gone.


He most likely wants to be with you but not in this predictable dictated to type of way were there is very little wiggle room to breathe and relax around you.


Part of falling in love is about being unpredictable. Having an element of mystery and uncertainty and you bypassed that phase by telling him what you want as if what you want matters more, total turn off which is one reason why he's gone.


As far as him going sideways....Can't he go sideways!? He is not you. He won't communicate the way you do.


You cornered him with your direct honesty and when corner a man he will do and say anything to get out of that cornner so he sold sold you the Superman (I'm with you and won't hurt you) illusion, it's a fight or flight knee jerk reaction.


Congrats you are a virgin but don't expect men to treat you like they won the lottery. Your lack of experience and la la land ideas will most likely ruin the potential to keep a man interested.
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@Libraolga,


I didn't sense you were manipulating him in a negative way, the way an individual will exploit someone for their own personal gain. But more in a 'princess-me' sort of fashion. My way or the highway.


My sister is a Libra. I have never met a Libra that I didn't like, you're all amazing people. All of you, seriously.


However,


Every Libra I have encountered has always been pushy, princess-like, my way or the highway, and left very little room for compromise. The alleged 'accomodating' part of a Libra only surfaces when the other individual is slipping through their fingers, or appearing to be not that interested.... then that cardinal energy kicks in full throttle.


But once they're comfortable with the idea that things are going their way, there is very little room for compromise. True story!


Don't put too much emphasis on communication only, relationships require work and a great deal of compromise.

Remember, you're not the only person in it.
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Hi guys. this is an update and I'd like to hear your point of view. lately, the cancer guy's been reaching out for me. he texted me saying that he was busy and that he misses me. I find it weird that after a week he decides to contact me again. I asked him why he is missing me and he answered bc of love. What! of course didnt buy it.. I'm wondering whether this is typical of cancer male or males in general (I've never had such a guy in my life) and whether he's dealing with me like a schoolgirl who will fall for his words.. I dont know how to deal with him. I can be straightforward with him, but as you know I already like the guy and dont wanna create anymore issues btw us.. I appreciate your feedback
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If someone is manipulating you walk away, simple as that Winking Don't waste time on people like this.
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Posted by tiki33
He was pretty forth coming with his thoughts about "liking" you and your no sex rule before marriage which are both heavy issues that spooked him, and you'll most likely encounter this " spooked" scenario with men going forward. I didn't sense manipulation, he changed his mind, maybe he'll reach out at some point but for right now he's moved on.
Yup.
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