Cappy lady and Cancer man

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by Cappylady on Thursday, March 19, 2009 and has 27 replies.
People, you are all great with your advice. I am new to this thread but I have been reading all of your responses and I thought you were talking to me personally.
Does anyone know about Capricorns and Cancer relationships? It's been almost 3 years and I feel like we have not moved from square one. Once I think we do, he brings us right back to the "friend" stage. This is insane. Do they ever grow out of this behavior?
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Cappylady,
Girl I dated a Cancer once and it was an experience I wouldn't want anyone to go through. I just can't seem to "Gel" with Cancers. Something doesn't sit right with me after all their flattery they remain pathologial liars who can't keep their pricks in their pants. I recently started talking to one online who claims he has been watching me in a forum we both belong to for a year and yadda yadda. Truth is, he couldn't take it when I did not let him run over me so he labeled me as sweet but tough. I laughed because I recognized this right off. Cancers are supposed to be our opposite and you know they say opposites attract but it just seems to me that after the laughs it STOPS there. Literally, maybe others have had better luck with Cancer men than me but I choose to stir clear of them. I'll tell you what I told another cap lady> "Proceed with caution" with those Cancers.
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Noirecapricornprincess,
You are so right. I have never in my life have had such a challenging person that I was involved with. Not that I am someone to date every guy (because I don't) but this situation is crazy. The reason I ask about them growing out of this behavior is because he is older than me (I do date older men) but apparently age has nothing to do with it. Recently he blamed me for a situation that was clearly his own doing and I called him out on it. He instantly became quiet and I pushed his buttons as hard as I could until he came shouted that he would not take the blame for this and I let him have it. Right there after, he goes back to states he wants to be "friends" without the drama (mind you, it was he who caused the drama in the first place) and I told him that I have enough male friends, I don't need anymore right now. With that, he's pouting right now, ignoring me. This man is such a kid!!! And I don't have any children!!!! One moment he's good and the next he's talking to me with his sharp tongue. I have to remind him in my own way who has control over me--he hates when I do that. LOL...oh well. I let a person get away with so much but when you cross me...LOOK OUT! This cancer man is testing my patience and I am running out of it. Are they really worth all of this back and forth?
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Cappylady, gurl to me they are not worth the trouble they cause. I know all too well of what you going through. The new Cancer I have been talking to online and on the phone was ignoring me because I called him out on a blunder he called me Tuesday night so funny. One thing I know is that Cancers are intruiged by us strong Capricorn women but they can't handle us if we are assertive and let them know we can;t be manipulated or taken for boo boo the fool. The whole back n forth thing I can't do it gets tiring. Again proceed with caution with the Cancer cause they are a headache if you let them become one.
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LOL...Boo boo the fool! I remember that quote. I hear you on that one. A headache is putting it mildly. I've tried my best to pay attention but I never can tell when the mood is about to change. Once I realize it, it's too late and he's walked away...again. Who knows...maybe it's a sign saying that I need to find a Virgo or Pisces. LOL...He's so scared of love that it's ridiculous.
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So from your experience do you feel the worse you treat him the more he keeps coming back???
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This may sound crazy but I haven't treated him in a bad way and maybe that is my problem. I've always been nice to him and given him respect and consideration. I do believe in karma and the way you treat others so I have taken his treatment that he gives back, I will blow up for a moment and then I leave him alone and it takes me days to get over what he said.
He told me I was "overly considerate". Is that even two words that belong together? I looked at him like like he was crazy. I had never been told that before. But if I am not so mean to him and he keeps coming back, does that mean anything? Like I said, he keeps me at distance and avoids any conversations if it has to deal with his inner most feelings.
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We were so very close...and then he pulled all that away and to this day he cannot tell me what happened.
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Cappylady, uhh for a moment I thought it was me with the "overly considerate thing" Do you know that the cancer guy I chat with said the SAME thing. Well, I couldn't give him the "Are u crazee look?" but on the phone I asked him if he was crazeee or just silly. Gurl Honestly, I don't have the energy required nor the patience to put up with these Whiny Cancers. they like to brood and go lay on their couches. U mentioned Virgo's or Pisces. I know a Virgo who has been after me for some years and get this he is married. I FINALLY convinced him that I don't mess with married men so STOP so I think now he is content just being a friend. It helps we live in different states thank GOD. Virgos are good people. Now Pisces, I dunno bout them. I was talking to one who professed undying love for me without seeing me I wa slike uhh YEAH! And Pisces women are a HOT MESS. they keep crap going, my aunt is a Pisces and she loves to start sheeet. My dad is a Pisces and I know the men have lots of women chasing after them. I don't trust Pisces men for that matter. Taurus is the only sign that I truly gelled with. I dunno some of the sites and books make it seem like Capricorn doesn't get along with anyone. Maybe it's true. I don't like Leo's they have pipe dreams and they never finish anything they set out to do. Gemini's I won't even go near with their multiple personalities (hence the sign of the twin). Aquarius plays games, they may really like you and play the boyfriend role but never verbalize it and will secretly sabatoege the relationship to see how loyal you are to them, lata for that mess. Aries, always trying to prove
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Aries always trying to prove they got skills in teh bedroom, oh please give me a break and wuit wearing those old outdated clothes, Nobody wears wrangler jeans. Scorpio, sneaky and always wanna know ALL your business but never reveals his. LIBRA-I just hate them period, had a boss who was an awful Libra. They need constant attention and sucking up to that I am not willing to give. Basically I hear we do well with Taurus, Virgos.
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Cappylady how old is this Cancer man may I ask?
If he is very young, yes age does matter. They don't mature sometimes until the mid-thirties. I know you don't want me to break it to you but I am going to have to. The reason he shuts down on you is because he is emotionally unavailable. He walks away from you because you are putting more meaning into what you consider a "relationship" with him. That is the reason why he sticks you back into the "just friends" category. You are not giving him the chance to see you more than a "friend with benefits".
Instead of you taking it for face value because he is trying to tell you. You continue to give this man your heart and he is aware that he doesn't deserve it. He is very well aware that the way he is treating you is not worth your time or value. So word of advice. In my own opinion, you have already SET the tone of this relationship. The back and forth is NOT going to stop until you cut him off and show him with YOUR actions that you are not a "friend" and you will not settle for less from him. You have to be gentle but show him "TOUGH LOVE". Only way he can relate.
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WOW, so if he feels that he doesn't deserve my heart or love, then this is all about his own insecurities, right? He**, I have them too but my goodness this is like dealing with a kid. He is in his late forties (and went through a painful marriage/divorce a very long time ago (me, I am in the late thirties). The age thing is not an issue, the issue is that I figured this would have been something that he may have grown out of when he was much younger. I feel like wants to put me in the same category as other women yet gets quite scared when he realizes that I'm not like them-- that yes, I am different that those he has come in contact with.
And Krobe03, you are right on point. I have given this man my heart plenty of times and he keeps handing it back to me. And the "friends with benefits" is something I have never believed in although it may work for others, but that's not me. I (being a capricorn) is just too emotionally sensitive to get involved with a situation like that and not have a true love for that person. For others, that's cool but I know for me, I honestly can't handle that.
CombatingmyGeminiSister, you are correct too, that break up pistol is always loaded and ready to be fired at any moment notice. He as fired that to me countless times.
BUT...last night he tried to get one over on me but not responding to me at all YET when he did he says he is wathching the NCAA games, I quickly responded back by telling him that I was busy & I had company enjoying the games as well & good night. Well, he didn't like that too much that he never responded, not that I expected him too.
But is it too late for me to set the tone? I'm starting to regret that I ever met this guy in the first place. LOL..
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WOW, so if he feels that he doesn't deserve my heart or love, then this is all about his own insecurities, right? He**, I have them too but my goodness this is like dealing with a kid. He is in his late forties (and went through a painful marriage/divorce a very long time ago (me, I am in the late thirties). The age thing is not an issue, the issue is that I figured this would have been something that he may have grown out of when he was much younger. I feel like wants to put me in the same category as other women yet gets quite scared when he realizes that I'm not like them-- that yes, I am different that those he has come in contact with.
And Krobe03, you are right on point. I have given this man my heart plenty of times and he keeps handing it back to me. And the "friends with benefits" is something I have never believed in although it may work for others, but that's not me. I (being a capricorn) is just too emotionally sensitive to get involved with a situation like that and not have a true love for that person. For others, that's cool but I know for me, I honestly can't handle that.
CombatingmyGeminiSister, you are correct too, that break up pistol is always loaded and ready to be fired at any moment notice. He as fired that to me countless times.
BUT...last night he tried to get one over on me but not responding to me at all YET when he did he says he is wathching the NCAA games, I quickly responded back by telling him that I was busy & I had company enjoying the games as well & good night. Well, he didn't like that too much that he never responded, not that I expected him too.
But is it too late for me to set the tone? I'm starting to regret that I ever met this guy in the first place. LOL..
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But is it too late for me to set the tone? I'm starting to regret that I ever met this guy in the first place. LOL..
Yeah, of course it is! LOL! You set the TONE by becoming extremely UNAVAILABLE to him. Period. If he keeps sticking you back in the "just friends" category, then treat him like you would treat another friend that is after your heart. NO special treatment at all.
You might want to quit asking him were are you two headed. He is trying to just "date" you and you want a commitment from him dating you. The easiest resolution is to just DATE him and leave sex out of the equation. You don't have just "sex" with your male friends. Period.
For every three dates he wants to set up with you, you just cancel two of the three. Quit being availabe to a man who is unavailable to you. Just like he has put you in the dog house, stick him in the dog house. Oh and it is NONE of his business YOU have company. All he is going to think is you are trying to make him jealous and he is going to stay away and distance himself even more. DON'T give him ANY details about YOU, your LIFE, what you are DOING, where you are going, and who you are seeing. Let his imagination ROAR!
Don't get mad if he cancels dates, don't confront him about any relationship issues, STOP doing anything and let him come to YOU! When he comes to YOU, just be warm, loving and free spirited. Just don't give him what he wants which typically sounds like sex along with constant reassurance that he can walk in and out of your life as he dayum well please. AND STOP ANSWERING ALL OF HIS CALLS AND QUIT TEXTING HIM.
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It's just been very hard and I need to just let it go. But as we all know when it comes to affairs of the heart, it becomes more of a challenge but I know that I should. I just start to question myself and try and figure out why he does what he does. He has pulled back so much and then he acts so nonchalant about it all like it doesn't bother him. It's the guessing games that bother the he** out of me! Even at this stage, 3 years later he is unable to express anything that has a deep emotion behind it. What is the fear with Cancer men and not being able to express things and allowing someone fabulous just walk right of your life for good. Once my mind is set, there is no turning back. I'm done -- no friends, no nothing.
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He has pulled back so much and then he acts so nonchalant about it all like it doesn't bother him. It's the guessing games that bother the he** out of me! Even at this stage, 3 years later he is unable to express anything that has a deep emotion behind it.
Just bare with me for a second Cappylady. I am not hear to put you down OR discourage you. Just give me your ear for a second. This man has TOLD you upfront that he wants NO DRAMA. Which is basically a man way of saying, sex without your emotional problems or you adding anything emotional towards HIM. He told you upfront to deal with YOUR feelings, he doesn't want to be that type of man in your life. Instead of you just saying, THAT is not going to be ENOUGH for me, you let him into your heart hoping that he would return love to you because you love him. That is PRESSURE that he has asked YOU upfront not to present to him. You basically gave him what he wanted without making him put in "WORK" for you and now he is bored to death with you.
He is not interested in a relationship or committment with you because you gave him his greatest desire-sex before you GOT a committed relationship from him. He is now treating you like a man because whether you realize it or not, you have trained him to believe that you are easy.
Don't let go of him holding resentment. It is NOT his fault. You don't have to walk away hurt. Just don't invest nothing more than he is doing and be very "unavailabe" and hard to get to a man who cannot see you no more than a sexual contact. You don't have to give up or get even, just give him something to "work" towards.
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No..wait. The s** thing (I am at work here so I have to be careful of the words I use) happened a long time ago like almost a year and a half ago. So nothing recent has happened whatsoever and I happy about that. He has chosen to keep his distance. One moment he's cool and then the next...he back into his shell and he won't speak.
So with that, I don't understand his fears when it comes to me. When he mentioned he didn't want a emotional connection, I took it as that and that really hurt (being a sensitive a Capricorn that I am) I internalized everything he said and thought it was something that I had done personally to him to make him feel this way yet when I asked him, he refuses to answers my questions. So I figured that there is no answer....he just can't explain his reasoning I guess. I don't get it. I have grown tired of the cat and mouse game, the tug - of - war that he tends to play. I fell for it all at the beginning not once understanding his ways but now, it's been too long for us to still be in this situation. When does it ever change, if at all? What is the fear with Cancer men especially when it comes to an emotional connection? Would Cancer men rather just go through life with never having something that they once dreamed of even if it's right in front of their face? It's draining. It's too many rules and regulations dealing with Cancer men. I am open and will accomodate for him, but he refuses to do the same for me so we are constantly butting heads. I know one thing for sure and that is we are two strong minded people and we both are stubborn and have will power.
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I am open and will accomodate for him, but he refuses to do the same for me so we are constantly butting heads. I know one thing for sure and that is we are two strong minded people and we both are stubborn and have will power.
Well this sounds like it may be a bit to much for HIM! You are saying YOU will accomodate for HIM. He doesn't want YOU too accomodate for "HIM". IT is being "easy" in his mind. You are training him to think of you that way whether you mean it for it to be that way or not. It is a test and he wants you to say NO, I AM NOT IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, therefore I AM NOT GOING TO COMMIT MY TIME, ENERGY or EFFORT or PLAY WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND to a man who is not fully committed to me. Don't TRAP yourself in a wrapping yourself up like a pretzel for him. IT IS A TRAP! Just say it to him and see if he doesn't start calling and coming around more. YOU are COMMITTING and ACCOMODATING him and he tells you constantly that he doesn't WANT it. THAT is what the NO DRAMA thing means in "his" mind.
In my opinion, if you alter your behaviors a bit it may help with situation. And just don't EXPECT him to love you back, take care of your own needs. If you think you are placing yourself in a emotional deficient where you "feel" your are getting less, then start doing less.
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Cancerian men need to feel understood and that they are appreciated and loved and you give what they give. They love to be babied!!!
THEY SAY they love to be babied. Baby him like he is a child, give him your heart and give him ALL that he wants and watch him RUN, RUN, RUN. I will tell any woman on this board, CANCER men love a challenge and they can say they don't like playing games, they can say you are so full of game, they can say you date everybody else but ME, THEY SAY GIVE ME A MENTAL CHALLENGE and watch him step back to you for MORE punch.
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Krobe you afre GIVING it straight no chaser and IT IS THE TRUTH. I think Cappylady may have a hard time swallowing it because it is RAW and un sugarcoated. I dated a Cancer Man and As I posted before it was NO cakewalk at ALL. To Me I view Cancer men as whiny and needing their egos brushed all the time. They like a woman who is Confident and can handle business but at the same time they want her to BEND or be able for them to manipulate/control or play their silly little head games with. Herein lies the problem, if you are a STRONG Capricorn woman like myself you won't go for the DRAMA, however if you aren't then you will hem and haw with this jerk who will feed off it because he knows he has you under his finger and hes just waiting for the next snafu so he can become totally GHOST on you. Another one of their games. Capppylady as I advised you before, Proceed with caution, However the more you reveal it sounds like he is using you because he knows he can. Never allow someone else to be a priority when all you are to them is an OPTION. Good luck Gurlfirend!
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WOW...for one I have to say is "no" it's not hard to swallow because Krobe03 is giving it to me straight with no chaser and it is all good, really. I so appreciate everyone's advice.
BABY HIM?? HA! No way...I disagree with that. Sure you can baby them but like Krobe03 said, then they will run like he**. The only way for this grown a** man to realize what I am all about is to just back away (like I have) and remain silent. I still believe silience is golden and maybe part of my problem is that I tend to give too much too soon.
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Also, thanks for the compliment lou.m. But when your heart is involved, it's really hard but I do see the writing on the wall and he wants a back and forth relationhip is more that what I signed up for. LOL. The more I gave him my heart, the more he gave it right back. So I am not giving it to him anymore. But what he doens't realize is that once I have given up it's hard to get back into my good graces especially when I have given a person too many chances whether they deserve it or not. I hope he feels it to a point that he is miserable!
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Also, thanks for the compliment lou.m. But when your heart is involved, it's really hard but I do see the writing on the wall and he wants a back and forth relationhip is more that what I signed up for. LOL. The more I gave him my heart, the more he gave it right back. So I am not giving it to him anymore. But what he doens't realize is that once I have given up it's hard to get back into my good graces especially when I have given a person too many chances whether they deserve it or not. I hope he feels it to a point that he is miserable!
Do you want this man or not? What I am saying about it is that you are training your thoughts to "thinking" about it wrong. Miserable, Cancer men love misery so that is NO big deal to him that is why he is leaving on and off because he "loves" seeing you miserable. DON'T FALL INTO HIS TRAP! When he calls UNLESS he leaves a message, don't call back. Don't let him see you on moments notice, don't tell him NONE of your personal business. Mainly everytime he has you to do something for reassurance- Just say, NO, I don't do that. He will NO exactly what you mean and start calling more. You have to speak to this particular man with ACTIONS. He can't hear a word you are saying.
No games her though, BE HARD TO GET AND DON'T PLAY! He wants you to be unavailable to him in that sense-you are just not picking up on his language.
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They like a woman who is Confident and can handle business but at the same time they want her to BEND or be able for them to manipulate/control or play their silly little head games with. Herein lies the problem, if you are a STRONG Capricorn woman like myself you won't go for the DRAMA, however if you aren't then you will hem and haw with this jerk who will feed off it because he knows he has you under his finger and hes just waiting for the next snafu so he can become totally GHOST on you.
Yes they love confident women but you have to ignore the head games and do't put your heart or trust into "nothing" he says. If he says "let's do this, let's do that-Laugh at him. LOL! Let him know you KNOW it is game and you my dear are not going to allow yourself to fall into his trap. Head games, NO woman should allow "any" man to get in her head that hard were she considers his actions as games. They are really not games, the man is simply telling you with his actions, he doesn't want to be committed or pressured by you. That is not games, he is a MAN-Cancer male or not, he wants to be in control. YOU are to go on with your life and not get yourself so wrapped up into his games, get distracted and throw YOUR life off track trying to worry about him. The reason he turns ghost because all of the constant reassurances you "think" he wants just make YOU look needy. Cancer men are needy themselves they don't want a woman beneath them.
Confident women worry about themselves. They marry themselves and they don't get used and played by men and their mind games because they don't ALLOW IT!
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You are so right. He is all about being in control and that bothers the he** out of me. But I did take your advice this morning and I thank you for that (telling me what I ought to tell him) and his only response back was "ok". I doubt if he will call back but then again, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
So, I will just focus my thoughts on myself and my career at the moment but if I have to keep dealing with a man like this, I'd be better off single. I know love is not always easy but dealing with him and his emotional distance has taken such a toll on me. Regardless of how he may feel about me, he never expresses it and I refuse to keep trying to figure him out. For now, I am done with dating. I know I should not take it persobally but like I said, as a Capricorn, I internalize everything.
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Let him be in CONTROL, let him. JUST don't give away YOUR POWER over to him. He will call back I am willing to guarantee you he will call you back. He distances himself because he wants to keep you confused and out of balance so you don't know where you stand. YOU have to inspire him to put in more effort for your love. You are not just going to lay down like some dead animal and say, hear, you can just have me. No, No.
Men can smell fear in a woman. They SMELL low self esteem, the smell lack of confidence in a woman. It is a given. Men will play off of that fear until you "feel" like you are going to DIE. I will tell you Cappy right now, when you take care of your own "needs" and don't expect ANYTHING from anybody else-esp a man. He will chase you from the face of this earth and back OK! Men get RICH, become MILLIONAIRES off of playing on women's insecurities and fears.
When you are confident, if he walks away it doesn't bother you. Why? because he didn't get no more out of you then you gave to him so he is free to go. You haven't lost anything out of the deal. You are married to YOU, you don't need another person to complete you. Date, date other men all you want and don't put your heart out there like so freely. Men KNOW when women allow them to take advantage of them and THEY don't want you to "allow" them to do it. It is a sign of weakness and for one, no weak man himself can deal with a woman who is weaker than he is.
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It is a sign of weakness and for one, no weak man himself can deal with a woman who is weaker than he is.

"behind every man, lies a strong woman"
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