Does he even care???
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by sarasa on Saturday, December 1, 2007 and has 20 replies.
So, I have been friends with this Cancerian for a while now (almost 2 years). The other day, I was sorta pissed off at him and sent him 2 text messages regarding my anger and the reason for my anger. He knows I've been mad about it before but everytime the topic comes up, he just gets all silent and never wants to talk about it. I don't need to know the details but I need to know why he doesn't want to talk about it. Anyways, he knows I'm pissed off but it's been a week now and he hasn't done anything--no text, no call, no email, no offliner on msn...nothing!!! Sometimes I wonder if the guy really cares at all....the least I was expecting was an acknowledgement! Didn't even get that! I ain't going to initiate contact, b/c this sorta thing has happened several times before and I always end up putting off the "fight" or "argument" b/c he just doesn't want to confront it at all. What's going on??? Am I being treated like a doormat?? or is he just retreating in his "shell"???
Cancers are non confrontational and they do often retreat when things get iffy. I'd say he cares he just doesnt want to fight about it and he might believe that letting it rest might make it go away. Try talking about it in a non confrontational manner after welcoming him out of his shell. I've figured you cant get cancer guys to talk about anything they dont want to, but a little non confrontational gentle plodding in a calm comfy setting goes a long way.
"Try talking about it in a non confrontational manner"
This is the best advice you could get. I being a Cancer prefer for people to talk to me about their feelings in a way that does not come off as uncaring or cause me to get upset. I also can't stand for people to hold a grudge or treat me differently while they are spewing angrily over something I said or did, without coming to me and talking to me about.
Once I get upset I close off . Cancers are very sensitive so if your words are too harsh, although you are trying to get your point across, you are only causing him to shell more and talk to you less. It is his way of protecting his feelings and prevent more damage.
If you are upset over something that he did/didn't do, he could also be feeling guilty and you spazzing would make him feel worse. We are not the most direct people when it comes to stuff like this, but if you can come to us and ask us what is going on/or tell us how our actions impacted you without yelling at us or reprimanding us you will have better luck.
This is the best advice you could get. I being a Cancer prefer for people to talk to me about their feelings in a way that does not come off as uncaring or cause me to get upset. I also can't stand for people to hold a grudge or treat me differently while they are spewing angrily over something I said or did, without coming to me and talking to me about.
Once I get upset I close off . Cancers are very sensitive so if your words are too harsh, although you are trying to get your point across, you are only causing him to shell more and talk to you less. It is his way of protecting his feelings and prevent more damage.
If you are upset over something that he did/didn't do, he could also be feeling guilty and you spazzing would make him feel worse. We are not the most direct people when it comes to stuff like this, but if you can come to us and ask us what is going on/or tell us how our actions impacted you without yelling at us or reprimanding us you will have better luck.
Sarasa,
I know exactly how you feel because I have been in the same situtation as feeling like a "doormat". I have realized I just use silent treatment and distance. Period. Cancers men can be confrontational esp if he is aware that he did something wrong and he KNOWS it is bothering you. Yes, I have been confronted but instead of letting my feelings take control over the situation that is basically out of my hand, I just ignore him and not give him that type of power or control over me.
I know exactly how you feel because I have been in the same situtation as feeling like a "doormat". I have realized I just use silent treatment and distance. Period. Cancers men can be confrontational esp if he is aware that he did something wrong and he KNOWS it is bothering you. Yes, I have been confronted but instead of letting my feelings take control over the situation that is basically out of my hand, I just ignore him and not give him that type of power or control over me.
Using the silent treatment and distance is a good way to deal with it unless you are really trying to find a solution to whatever upset you. Learning to disagree without being disagreeable will allow the 2 of you to discuss what is going on between you in such a way that will make the other person much more comfortable with sharing their point of view and listening to yours.
Cancers are stubborn folks, they arent readily going to accept any idea, opinion, or point of view that is seemingly being forced down their throat. They mirror what they see,and if they dont consider what they see worth mirroring they get away from it. When you are sensible and agreeable they will want to mirror that and they most likely will try to. If you are obnoxious, juvenile, and forceful, either they will act a fool with you or they will decide that they are above that and simply excuse themselves. If you get loud and disrespectful with them, up to a certain age (or point in a conversation) they will oblige to do the same, but when they reach a certain maturity level they'll simply walk away, go into their shell, or tune you out, sometimes all 3. And Im not making this up lol my Cancer explained this to me on many occasions, thankfully I was open for trading in arguments for playful disagreements (ok I admit it, it took being locked out the shell for a good amount of time before I really got it right..better late than never).
Cancers are stubborn folks, they arent readily going to accept any idea, opinion, or point of view that is seemingly being forced down their throat. They mirror what they see,and if they dont consider what they see worth mirroring they get away from it. When you are sensible and agreeable they will want to mirror that and they most likely will try to. If you are obnoxious, juvenile, and forceful, either they will act a fool with you or they will decide that they are above that and simply excuse themselves. If you get loud and disrespectful with them, up to a certain age (or point in a conversation) they will oblige to do the same, but when they reach a certain maturity level they'll simply walk away, go into their shell, or tune you out, sometimes all 3. And Im not making this up lol my Cancer explained this to me on many occasions, thankfully I was open for trading in arguments for playful disagreements (ok I admit it, it took being locked out the shell for a good amount of time before I really got it right..better late than never).
"after two years why have you not solved some basic communication problems for a relationship?"
Probably b/c we are friends on the net! Sometimes his actions (like disappearing w/out text/mail..not responding to msgs) make it seem like he doesn't care. And God forbid if I say taht at all, b/c he'll get all defensive, give me sarcasm and then retreat in his shell and will make me feel like I screw up BIG time! What's with that?? So smetimes I wonder if he really cares and then when I bring it up, he makes it seem like he's all hurt. If he cares, he should show it! Would you not respond to a friend who was pissed off at you???
Probably b/c we are friends on the net! Sometimes his actions (like disappearing w/out text/mail..not responding to msgs) make it seem like he doesn't care. And God forbid if I say taht at all, b/c he'll get all defensive, give me sarcasm and then retreat in his shell and will make me feel like I screw up BIG time! What's with that?? So smetimes I wonder if he really cares and then when I bring it up, he makes it seem like he's all hurt. If he cares, he should show it! Would you not respond to a friend who was pissed off at you???
I don't know I guess each of our experiences with Cancers are different.
I have noticed with my Cancer man experience that going on with the silent treatment and just plain old not being interested in BS usually does the trick. I have noticed with slightly distancing yourself and by not feeding into the negativity he usually will come out of his shell and confront me with the issue that he feels is making me use silent treatment.
Yes, let him come to YOU, don't chase after him or reassure him with a security blanket of nagging at him that you will accept such treatment from him. I have noticed while you are nagging, basically you are giving him a security blanket that he will get used to and every time he wants to make you upset, he will know exactly what to do just to push your buttons.
If you become a litte unpredictable and not let him know what YOUR familiar zones are to him then he will not know what to expect and he will HAVE to come to you and throw things back out to see what HE needs to correct. Yes, I agree with LK communication is the key but sometimes you have to just let him sulk until he figures himself out while you just don't worry about it. I don't know, I do better using a long handle stick and some silent treament but this is just with my experience and I am not saying my experience is the best way. If he did something to upset you and I am pretty sure he is aware of what he has done to you, let him CONFRONT YOU!
I have noticed with my Cancer man experience that going on with the silent treatment and just plain old not being interested in BS usually does the trick. I have noticed with slightly distancing yourself and by not feeding into the negativity he usually will come out of his shell and confront me with the issue that he feels is making me use silent treatment.
Yes, let him come to YOU, don't chase after him or reassure him with a security blanket of nagging at him that you will accept such treatment from him. I have noticed while you are nagging, basically you are giving him a security blanket that he will get used to and every time he wants to make you upset, he will know exactly what to do just to push your buttons.
If you become a litte unpredictable and not let him know what YOUR familiar zones are to him then he will not know what to expect and he will HAVE to come to you and throw things back out to see what HE needs to correct. Yes, I agree with LK communication is the key but sometimes you have to just let him sulk until he figures himself out while you just don't worry about it. I don't know, I do better using a long handle stick and some silent treament but this is just with my experience and I am not saying my experience is the best way. If he did something to upset you and I am pretty sure he is aware of what he has done to you, let him CONFRONT YOU!
Krobe, if you feel like his feelings are negativity and he is deliberately trying to upset you it is probably best to distance yourself. But if retreating is just his way of handling confrontation I dont think he would do it to upset you just because and I doubt he's thinking "ok I will make her mad then leave her to deal with it, acting as if I dont care". If that IS what he's doing then get a one way ticket in the opposite direction. Try to see things from his point of view and take into consideration that he might not be trying to upset you for the sake of upsetting you.
From experience Ive learned that its a bad idea to deal with serious conversations and feelings over IM, text messages or email because its extremely easy to misread someone's mood because typed word has no connotation or tone. When you're talking to someone and hearing their voice its a lot easier to judge what mood they're in and the context of what they're saying. Plus PC, connection and email server problems might also come into play so you have to be a little more flexible when you are dealing over a PC. Even text messages get lost from time to time.
From experience Ive learned that its a bad idea to deal with serious conversations and feelings over IM, text messages or email because its extremely easy to misread someone's mood because typed word has no connotation or tone. When you're talking to someone and hearing their voice its a lot easier to judge what mood they're in and the context of what they're saying. Plus PC, connection and email server problems might also come into play so you have to be a little more flexible when you are dealing over a PC. Even text messages get lost from time to time.
Leokitten: I'm assuming you are a Leoan??
"ok well a totally internet based deal...seems like a waste of time and energy"
That is what a Leoan best friend of mine thinks!
I know it may seem like a waste of time and energy but I've had been good friends with 3 ppl that I met online (One I have already met in person). It really depends on personal experiences. I've got to learn so much from all three of them, it's amazing. If you are not going to try to "waste" time and energy, you are never going to meet some fine minds, some oddities and an get an alltogether different experience. Sure you got to be safe and what not, but really it's not as bad as you make it sound.
"ok well a totally internet based deal...seems like a waste of time and energy"
That is what a Leoan best friend of mine thinks!
I know it may seem like a waste of time and energy but I've had been good friends with 3 ppl that I met online (One I have already met in person). It really depends on personal experiences. I've got to learn so much from all three of them, it's amazing. If you are not going to try to "waste" time and energy, you are never going to meet some fine minds, some oddities and an get an alltogether different experience. Sure you got to be safe and what not, but really it's not as bad as you make it sound.
I agree Sara. It hasnt been a total waste of time and energy for me, but to each his own!
"He is not retreating in his shell. not every action is a retreat. Thats a common misconception."
Very true! It could mean leave me alone, for good.
Very true! It could mean leave me alone, for good.
If I want you then I'll come to you, if I don't move on with your life and let me do the same.
"If I want you then I'll come to you, if I don't move on with your life and let me do the same."
If he wasn't interested, why'd he keep talking to me and keep in touch for 2 years?? I'll be honest, I always thought I kept up the friendship more than he did. But if he wasn't interested at all, why did he continue keeping in touch?? He could have just distanced himself! So, I'm certainly not going to call or initiate contact this time. I've had enough, seriously...I feel like I have no self respect! But if he calls, should I tell him how I feel?? How I felt for him not having called for so long? And if so, how should I say it??
BTW: Thanks for all the input=)
If he wasn't interested, why'd he keep talking to me and keep in touch for 2 years?? I'll be honest, I always thought I kept up the friendship more than he did. But if he wasn't interested at all, why did he continue keeping in touch?? He could have just distanced himself! So, I'm certainly not going to call or initiate contact this time. I've had enough, seriously...I feel like I have no self respect! But if he calls, should I tell him how I feel?? How I felt for him not having called for so long? And if so, how should I say it??
BTW: Thanks for all the input=)
Sarasa,
Don't initate contact, I have known a Cancer man for just about a year now, the more I distance myself and use silent treatment the more he comes back around to initate contact. In my personal opinion, it is just not pursuing a man who should pursue you. Maybe with women it is different because they may feel like men should pursue a woman. I I guess it is to each own situation. AGAIN, I am not trying to tell you what to do or give you bad advice just what has worked for me, so no arguements over pure experience.
Don't initate contact, I have known a Cancer man for just about a year now, the more I distance myself and use silent treatment the more he comes back around to initate contact. In my personal opinion, it is just not pursuing a man who should pursue you. Maybe with women it is different because they may feel like men should pursue a woman. I I guess it is to each own situation. AGAIN, I am not trying to tell you what to do or give you bad advice just what has worked for me, so no arguements over pure experience.
Hi sarasa,
By going with your above post seems to me that your relationship is not going as you are expecting and you are frustrated. First of all, it is what it is at the moment. You are not able to change him but you do know that right now, this is not working for YOU. So...you are able to make the positive changes to benefit you.
You are wondering why he kept talking to you for the past two years - just because he kept in contact with you does not always mean that someone is "romantically" interested - perhaps he simply enjoyed your companty - this is something to be grateful for.
Seems like you have put quite a few restrictions/conditions on his behaviour - "He could have just distanced himself!" this is something that you may do when not interested in someone...he apparently does not think the same way that you do. The best gift that we can give another is the ability to allow them to be who they are - if who they are does not mesh with our own personal values, morals then it becomes our responsibility to ourselves to make the changes to suit ourselves.
Personally, if he calls you - I would keep it light and friendly and no, I would not share how you feel about him not calling you for so long. When a man does not call a woman for a long period of time it means he is not interested either at that moment in time or period - there is your answer - no need to ask him (his actions have said it all). When a man is interested in a woman, nothing NOTHING will keep him away.
Hope this helps S!
By going with your above post seems to me that your relationship is not going as you are expecting and you are frustrated. First of all, it is what it is at the moment. You are not able to change him but you do know that right now, this is not working for YOU. So...you are able to make the positive changes to benefit you.
You are wondering why he kept talking to you for the past two years - just because he kept in contact with you does not always mean that someone is "romantically" interested - perhaps he simply enjoyed your companty - this is something to be grateful for.
Seems like you have put quite a few restrictions/conditions on his behaviour - "He could have just distanced himself!" this is something that you may do when not interested in someone...he apparently does not think the same way that you do. The best gift that we can give another is the ability to allow them to be who they are - if who they are does not mesh with our own personal values, morals then it becomes our responsibility to ourselves to make the changes to suit ourselves.
Personally, if he calls you - I would keep it light and friendly and no, I would not share how you feel about him not calling you for so long. When a man does not call a woman for a long period of time it means he is not interested either at that moment in time or period - there is your answer - no need to ask him (his actions have said it all). When a man is interested in a woman, nothing NOTHING will keep him away.
Hope this helps S!
When a man is interested in a woman and he has known her for the amount of time you all have known each other nothing can keep him away. I find that in relatively new dealings fear of rejection and insecurity can keep any person at quite a distance from someone they are genuinely interested in.
OK...am not talking about romantic interest at all...just to clear things up=) He's made that very clear and I'm fine with it. But I just think he's just taking the friendhip as a very casual thing b/c if he was a true friend, he would have acknowledged my anger (and this isn't the first time he hasn't)...even if it was just an email. He can't be that busy to not even drop an offliner....that's what pissed me off...and this time, this cappie's had enough...lol...I'm not calling/texting/emailing....if he cares, he'll show up...if the two years meant something to him, he'll call and if not, it's his loss...and yes, if he does call, I'll tell him how I feel (b/c to be honest, I am very straight-forward and direct)....I will try hard to not be harsh with my words or anything, but I do want him to realize what he's done...although he prolly knows it anywyas...
Thanks for all your input guys....sometimes I think I'm being too irrational with this "friendship" b/c it's online and what not...but If it was all BS, it wouldn't have lasted this long...especially with a cancerian b/c I believe if they are not interested in maintaining a relationship, they just won't keep going...
Thanks for all your input guys....sometimes I think I'm being too irrational with this "friendship" b/c it's online and what not...but If it was all BS, it wouldn't have lasted this long...especially with a cancerian b/c I believe if they are not interested in maintaining a relationship, they just won't keep going...
sarasa if you'll are JUST FRIENDS why are you so emotionally invloved in this as if you were in a ROMANTIC relationship? You sound like you are really trying to preasure him into being in a relationship with you and you and him both know that isn't what he wants. Maybe he feels as though you can't understand that he only is FRIENDS with you and is not in a ROMANTIC relationship with you so he's distant himself from you all together. There's nothing wrong in his eyes with you'll being friends but if you are trying to make it more and that isn't what he wants the yes he is going to distant himself and it seems like he has for good this time because you don't get it or want to except that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you.
A person can maintain a FRIENDSHIP with you and it not mean they are romantically interested. You keep saying you're just friends but emotionally you are acting as if you'll are in a ROMANTIC relationship. Friendships are suppose to last forever so what you'll being FRIENDS for 2 yrs has anything to do with it, again you are reading too much into this. It seems you want more and he doesn't but you're hanging on in hopes that it will one day turn into more and maybe he knows this and is fed up so he's done with this friendship altogether.
A person can maintain a FRIENDSHIP with you and it not mean they are romantically interested. You keep saying you're just friends but emotionally you are acting as if you'll are in a ROMANTIC relationship. Friendships are suppose to last forever so what you'll being FRIENDS for 2 yrs has anything to do with it, again you are reading too much into this. It seems you want more and he doesn't but you're hanging on in hopes that it will one day turn into more and maybe he knows this and is fed up so he's done with this friendship altogether.
It may sound liek I'm getting too emotionally involved...that's the way I am with anyone that is close to me. It's either an all or nothing kinda deal....there's no "in b/w"...so even if they may be just online friends, they are just as important as a friend in "real" life...I think I'm just insecure and need reassurance b/c it's an entirely "online" deal...
hmmm...why do I get the feeling from all the above that I'm asking too much from a friend??
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