Help with my Cancer!

Hi,

I'm a Capricorn (Moon in Taurus) that's been dating a Cancer for about 4 and a half months now. We are total opposites, but somehow it works...most of the time. We got into a big fight the other day about him not committing, basically. I had a really bad week prior to the argument, and was very quiet and withdrawn. I still gave him tons of attention, but I just wasn't at my best. When we had the argument, I kind of started it by saying that if he was no longer interested he could let me know, to which he said "I don't see myself asking you to be my girlfriend right now." That hurt me incredibly, so of course I lashed out. We got into a major argument for a couple days, but after that we met up, talked, and sorted it out. He told me my negativity brings him down, so I am working on it and trying to be as supportive as I can. I have apologized for basically acting crazy when he told me what he did, and he apologized for hurting me. Big things career wise are happening for him right now, so we won't be seeing each other every day as usual, but every weekend instead, but I am fully supporting him in that.

What I need help with is deciphering whether he doesn't see me as a girlfriend ever, or if it's mainly because he's going to be so busy with work. A few side notes - after our huge fight, I met his mother for the first time. This being after he said he doesn't see me as a girlfriend right now. He also has told me he loved me (when he was drunk, not sure how to feel about that), but that he doesn't tell me because he "knows" I won't say it back (this was at a time where I was very closed off about my feelings - typical Cap.) Still after our fight, he talks about the future together, what we'll do this summer, inviting to his mother's for barbecues, etc. but he is way less expressive verbally about how he feels about me. He used to be so lovey over text, but now he is much less so. Sometimes he even ignores me. This is what has me confused. I kind of think I'm overthinking everything, but I can't help it, especially since I don't see him as often so I can't go off his physical cues.

I'm continuing to put effort in, wrote him a love letter, complimenting him, sometimes paying for food on dates, sending him messages to let him know he's on my mind. I'm really, really trying. He's an incredible guy. I can truly see us having a life together.

Also, I love him. He does not know this. Should I tell him first? And when?

Sorry for the length! Thank

Hahah aw come on I'm really not that bad! But I've been leaning towards ignoring him back...I was like that at the beginning, made him chase me, and he definitely did, so I agree with you on that. What about the love thing? Think he meant it when he said it?

CC, you're awesome. Thanks for the advice.

Is this same guy you talking about in the other thread on the Cancer forum. The one you said was good in bed. On here you say he doesn't see you as his gf. BUT you two have been in bed together. Maybe you shouldn't have slept with him so quick, especially since you two aren't bf & gf. If he can only tell you through text & not verbally his feelings, that isn't right. If a Man values you, his actions & words will reflect that. Plus you done enough. If he cares about you, he'll come find you.

But sleeping with him so quick won't make him respect you. Next time, wait a month or two before doing the serious stuff ok. I disagree about Cancers wanting a challenge. I don't like someone who does things for selfish ego, ignoring me on purpose, & making me feel worthless. Nor do the real Cancer Men treat their lady that way. It depends on how the Cancer is raised. But if i was you, i wouldn't make him do anything. Love is something you shouldn't have to force or alter who you are, just so someone will love you. Be yourself, & i'm sure someone will value you as such 🙂

He verbally communicates his feelings all the time, and did so before and after we had sex. It's not just a sex thing at all. He's a great guy, he's just been distant lately, and the fight we had confused me. To rephrase what I said earlier, it's not going to be me ignoring him, I'm just not going to be all over him all the time anymore, because you're right, if he cares he'll come to me. Things didn't change at all after we had sex so I don't think this is an issue at all, but thanks for your input.

It's not like he doesn't talk me all day and ignores me in that sense. I don't mean to sound defensive, I'm just trying to explain the way our relationship is seeing as I might not have explained it in the right way earlier.

Ohh ok then, thanks for clearing that up. Sorry if i got things mixed up. I was only trying to help. But yeah, for now on just go by his actions. That should make things easier. Sorry if what i said sounded bad. Which is why i hate texting lol

I just probably over read something, my bad. I also have a verry terrible headache at the moment, so forgive me. I like what CC said too. I probably just good at making people feel better

No worries at all! Just wanted things to be clear. I appreciate your advice. I wouldn't be able to flat out ignore him anyways haha. What do you think about me telling him I love him? Yes, no, wait til he tells me again (while sober lol)?

Let him show you that he cares & that he can keep up that good behavior for a month. If he does, then you tell him. Plus there's no set time period on when to say i love you. If you feel that way, then say it. Just make sure he cares about you 1st before saying anything.

Is his work stable? I like to concentrate on my work esp. if I have a deadline. For myself and my loved ones. Unless of course there is an emergency or something that needs my attentention on the dot.
CC has a point. It's good to share dreams, future plans..etc..IF you are already in the relationship..officially bf/gf.

Give him time. Cancers need time to think and evaluate. And yes wait until he tells you again sober.

Great, thank you. You being a Cancer, do you retreat or back off sometimes in relationships? I'm trying to understand his distance. Could he be still recovering from our fight?

I hope everything works out 🙂. I say follow your heart, not your feelings.

Posted by That1Girl
Give him time. Cancers need time to think and evaluate. And yes wait until he tells you again sober.

I appreciate the input. I've been so close to telling him a few times, but chickened out every time.

Well he's probably just recovering from the argument. Give him time, & if he cares, he'll be back. I normally don't retreat in any relationship. I'll probably ask for alone time to process things. But i would never leave my partner hanging. I like to sulk for a min, then talk about what happened. So he's probably like that. Most of us are.

Posted by Oxygenada
Is his work stable? I like to concentrate on my work esp. if I have a deadline. For myself and my loved ones. Unless of course there is an emergency or something that needs my attentention on the dot.
CC has a point. It's good to share dreams, future plans..etc..IF you are already in the relationship..officially bf/gf.

He has 2 jobs, one in his field that he's starting tomorrow (he's a recent graduate), and one that's just to make some extra money while in school (he's starting his graduate studies this Fall), but I would still say his work is stable. He's very motivated and focused on pursuing his career. I think he may be worried about having too much on his plate.

I completely understand. I am a cancer female in a situation with a cancer male, we are both in our last semester as undergraduates, starting grad school. He works 16 hours a day, I have 2 jobs and am a single mother. We have been in a tango for about 2 months now. He does retreat into his shell and so do I. Right now it is me who needs a few days off, so I am just not contacting him. I will come back and explain why when I do

Posted by 2BlackIndian3
Well he's probably just recovering from the argument. Give him time, & if he cares, he'll be back. I normally don't retreat in any relationship. I'll probably ask for alone time to process things. But i would never leave my partner hanging. I like to sulk for a min, then talk about what happened. So he's probably like that. Most of us are.

Alright, thanks Georgio! I talked to him earlier today about needing reassurance, and he said he understands, that he's still here for a reason and appreciates my efforts.

Yeah he's probably worried/focused on work & school. Nothing to do with you. IF he cares about you, he'll find time for you no matter how busy he may get. Trust me, & at least you'll know where he's at if he doing all that. So look at the positives 🙂. Support him for now & be patient

Posted by That1Girl
I completely understand. I am a cancer female in a situation with a cancer male, we are both in our last semester as undergraduates, starting grad school. He works 16 hours a day, I have 2 jobs and am a single mother. We have been in a tango for about 2 months now. He does retreat into his shell and so do I. Right now it is me who needs a few days off, so I am just not contacting him. I will come back and explain why when I do

It's comforting that someone understands what I'm going through. I'm not a Cancer, but I do have way more feelings than I may let on, and I tend to overthink and analyze a lot. He's always come back, and never retreated for too long. I'm mostly confident things will work out between us but I'm a bit more fragile and anxious now that I've determined that I love him. There's more at stake if it doesn't work out now, you know?

Posted by 2BlackIndian3
Yeah he's probably worried/focused on work & school. Nothing to do with you. IF he cares about you, he'll find time for you no matter how busy he may get. Trust me, & at least you'll know where he's at if he doing all that. So look at the positives 🙂. Support him for now & be patient

That's my plan, to support him! Patience isn't my forte but he is worth being patient for 🙂

Yep that's right. Always think about the positives of being with him. Don't let the negatives thoughts get you down

Posted by Bells93

Posted by That1Girl
I completely understand. I am a cancer female in a situation with a cancer male, we are both in our last semester as undergraduates, starting grad school. He works 16 hours a day, I have 2 jobs and am a single mother. We have been in a tango for about 2 months now. He does retreat into his shell and so do I. Right now it is me who needs a few days off, so I am just not contacting him. I will come back and explain why when I do

It's comforting that someone understands what I'm going through. I'm not a Cancer, but I do have way more feelings than I may let on, and I tend to overthink and analyze a lot. He's always come back, and never retreated for too long. I'm mostly confident things will work out between us but I'm a bit more fragile and anxious now that I've determined that I love him. There's more at stake if it doesn't work out now, you know?

click to expand

It is comforting :-) and I do know I was just able to admit to myself recently that I have deeper feelings for him than I was previously owning up to. Now my paranoid over analyzing brain is fucking with me... Hence why I need a few days. Let him come back to you again, when he is sober and brings up feelings that's you que to talk

Gosh I love Cancers lol. You guys are all great.

@Bells93 Well Thanks Alot 🙂. I'm glad someone thinks good stuff of us Cancers. We are very misunderstood.

I think that misunderstanding maybe comes from people not giving you guys enough time to open up. So many layers, and they get better and better too. A Cancer's sweet nature is perfect for a lowkey affection-seeking Capricorn like me 🙂

Well the opening up in my case, depends on how comfortable i am with someone. It takes time with us, but we are worth it. & We'll make you feel 100% loved if you give us the chance. Most people obesss over the other water signs tho 😢

Not to sound depressing lol. I'm glad you choose a Cancer

Posted by 2BlackIndian3
Well the opening up in my case, depends on how comfortable i am with someone. It takes time with us, but we are worth it. & We'll make you feel 100% loved if you give us the chance. Most people obesss over the other water signs tho 😢

Water signs are very intriguing, that's why. To me at least. My best friend and sister are Scorpios, there's so much love in there but they're so secretive about their feelings. My best friend hates when I express emotion lol.

I actually like when a woman or people express emotions. I can do it very easily too sometimes once i'm out of my shell. I have yet to met a woman who does tho. It would be welcomed tho

Cancers can actually help Capricorns express emotions more easier. I've had 2 Capricorn female friends that did & a female Capricorn cousin. I've even seem them cry before too. I think a Capricorn woman would go great with a Cancer man

@CluelessCancer LOL not that captain save a Ho line. Well i'm open to dating any sign because you never know who your soulmate might be. & yes i mis worded that post up there. My head has been hurting, so my emotions went bad there. If anything, idk why we, well i as a Cancer Man attract the drama & craziness. It's not our intention.

@CluelessCancer lol maybe us Cancer men can show Capricorn Woman that romance isn't such a bad thing. It doesn't have to be all sex either. I don't find the ones i met boring. A lil cold in the beginning, but not boring. I guess it depends on the person. Idk if i'll get to date one or not. I have no control over who i'm blessed with. I would like a Cancer too haha

CC, we're not all unromantic. I'm very romantic once I'm into someone. I also love going out and doing things, love travelling, but I'm on the Sagittarius cusp, so I think those are Sag traits tbh.

never met a cancer guy who expressed emotions on any level....

@roscoe maybe you met the wrong Cancer. Most Cancers (typical ones) we express our emotions if we really trust that person. We can't just let any ol person in our shell. Our love is quite breathtaking if you give us a chance & be patient 🙂

["I don't see myself asking you to be my girlfriend right now."]?
I see this as an effort to save face from your Cancerian BF. Cancers are very very very emotional, even though they will never admit it to you or let you see it. In turn, they do things like saying what they don't mean, as a defense mechanism against rejection or to save face. The truth is, if you have been dating for almost half a year, I doubt the emotional crab boy is just being a player, therefore he probably already sees you as his girlfriend, just doesn't feel assured in this relationship. If things don't work out, Cancers have no problem walking out the back door they intentionally left unlocked, because they need to have an emotional plan B. Your objective is to make him feel assured, but be for warned, it may require a lot from you. The question is: Is he worth it? The words where meant to hurt you, because you hurt him by doubting the effort he has put forward, even though you don't see it, because it's all internal with the emotional Cancer. Cancers have a way with words and emotions, and when they want to, can be quite hurtful, since they know where to aim. Remember, it's usually only when he feels hurt or insecure that he lashes out. Cancer peeps are usually quite chill if you handle them with care.

[He told me my negativity brings him down, so I am working on it and trying to be as supportive as I can.]
Translation: The fact that you don't reassure me and make me feel special brings me down. As far as actual negativity?, I don't know. I suppose if you are a freak who always talks about killing yourself, that would bring anyone down. So ask yourself: Am I truly negative, or does he mean something else. Think with your emotional filter, and you might just come to understand what he means.

[Big things career wise are happening for him right now, so we won't be seeing each other every day as usual, but every weekend instead, but I am fully supporting him in that.]
Cancers do tend to need a bit more space than others, especially when dealing with the extra workload associated with promotions or other projects. Use the time you do have to be supportive of his efforts, and make him FEEL good, cant overemphasize the FEELings with this Cancerians. Tell him how awesome he is, and how you think he's great and things like that.

@CyberCrab i wouldn't worry about it ok. I think we helped enough here. It's really up to her to make the right decision. We can't do it for her. I think the advice we gave here is more than enough. So lets let this go ok

As far as telling him you love him? Hello? We are dealing with a Cancerian here. Yes, Open up. Cancer people can't resist someone opening up to them. I know it's hard and all that, but believe me, it's even harder for the shy Cancerian, who sometimes needs a little help. Besides, if you don't tell him what you feel, your emotions, your concerns, your insecurities, and jelousies, can you truly say you are building a relationship on solid ground? If not, the relationship is destined to fail before it takes off. Besides, being open and even vulnerable to a Cancer, may be the right thing if you believe he is worth it, and it sounds like you do. Cancer people can't resist someone who opens up to them, and they will feel better connected to that person, bringing you closer together emotionally, a key to winning over a crab. Cancers are experts at protecting their emotions, and they rarely show them. Your only way in is to be honest, but first run your logic thru an emotional filter, so that he can understand you. If you achieve this, you will see the walls of Jericho crumble, and the true Cancer personality will shine ever so bright.

CyberCrab, this helped so much. Thank you. I agree with you on the fact that he needed more reassurance at the time. I've been trying so hard for the past couple weeks, but the past 2 days I've been feeling down because I don't know whether I'm bothering him or if he wants me to do what I'm doing. I kind of feel like I'm annoying him. I ask him if I'm being annoying or if it's too much, and he always responds sweetly by saying that he appreciates the effort, knows I care, etc. But because he's stopped being so verbal about his feelings, I get worried and start getting anxious. He's most definitely worth it, and has been the nicest guy I have ever dated. He's a perfect 10. Today I made sure to ask him about how his first day at his new job was, how he likes his boss/coworkers, etc. I was a little disappointed when he didn't ask me how my day went though, but I won't give up so easy. There's a reason why he's in his shell, and I want to make him come back out of it again.

Thank you for the input, I truly appreciate it!

Posted by 2BlackIndian3
@CyberCrab i wouldn't worry about it ok. I think we helped enough here. It's really up to her to make the right decision. We can't do it for her. I think the advice we gave here is more than enough. So lets let this go ok

Hey, all of your replies helped me a lot. I appreciate this person's input as well. I'm not making any decisions right now, I'm just looking for some insight from people like yourselves who may know a bit more about how he's feeling than I would! 🙂

I understand @Bells93, @CyberCrab is right on point. Explained things wayy better than i could lol. But i'm glad i could help you. I hope everything works out

@Bells93, i didn't mean no confusion or hurt either ok. We just don't want you to get hurt. I hope you have a bless night

This sounds like not a big deal...from what you described. Sounds like you had a bad fight and people say shit in fights they don't mean. Lay low and let the storm pass. If he's still talking about the future with you, it's not over. And this is a relatively new relationship but long enough for the inevitable problems to surface. Hopefully experience teaches you better how to handle those moments: realizing reactions that help and reactions that hurt kind of thing. It's live & learn for all of us but this doesn't sound over by a long shot. Good luck! Play fewer games. Keep the lines of communication open.

Posted by CluelessCancer
CyberCrab you have some points, but Crab men are men! You're making out to be vaginas. Are they vaginas?

I think you're correct definitely we do want reassurance we do want affection and we do want to hear words that you appreciate us, but for a woman to tell a man she loves him? for her to have to say things of that nature without clarity in a relationship...is RIDICULOUS.

Call me old school or maybe it's my LEO placements but i got pride man and it takes two to tANGO...

he needs to CARRY his WEIGHT....she needs to listen to him...if he says you're negative ask your close friends if they think your negative, write down how you respond to others...you're a CAP you are most likely 115% negative. Never met a positive cap. Ever. So it might just be your personality and hes going to have to deal with some of it even if you do try to be more positive....

Also yes genuine sweetness and care goes along way with crabs.

You make me laugh, CC. I'm most certainly negative lol, chronic complainer. Not gonna lie. But, I can also be very positive and for the most part am go with the flow and easygoing. I'm not really one of those "life sucks, kill me now" kind of capricorns. When I have a bad day, I tend to complain, and this is what he noticed and commented about when he told me I was negative lol. I filter out my negativity when I'm with him now more than ever, and try to keep my bitching for when I'm with my friends.

I also will not be telling him I love him, not for now. I took your advice and only messaged him back when he messaged me yesterday, he sent me a paragraph of how he thinks I'm great, complete with x's and o's and pet names lol. He just needs space I think. Continuing to be supportive and sweet, that's all I can do!

Posted by Este8
This sounds like not a big deal...from what you described. Sounds like you had a bad fight and people say shit in fights they don't mean. Lay low and let the storm pass. If he's still talking about the future with you, it's not over. And this is a relatively new relationship but long enough for the inevitable problems to surface. Hopefully experience teaches you better how to handle those moments: realizing reactions that help and reactions that hurt kind of thing. It's live & learn for all of us but this doesn't sound over by a long shot. Good luck! Play fewer games. Keep the lines of communication open.

I agree, I overthink and that's what lead me to the conclusion that something was wrong. I definitely know how not to act in an argument from now on to avoid hurting his feelings. I'm letting him come to me, while being supportive. Seems to be working better. Thanks 🙂

Posted by CluelessCancer
A woman can be sweet, generous, kind, and affectionate, without doing all the work...it can be done...just be sweet, generous, kind, and affectionate, when he reaches out to you, otherwise, ignore that sucker.

My exact game plan 😉

Posted by CluelessCancer
Exactly. Thank you for listening to me. I'm so happy my recommendations worked for you. I'm becoming a Guru in this. Cause I had to learn the same gad damn thing. I'm also super complainer, now i complain on DXP and sometimes to my friends. That's it. It's a work in motion. Remember it's not zodiac sign, but men need their SPACE and they hate NAGS.

You are most definitely a guru in this! Slowly trying to phase out the negativity in me, I mean, he does have a point. I feel better being positive anyways!