How do I handle this Cancer FWB?
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by ad1127 on Sunday, September 6, 2015 and has 14 replies.
To start off, I'm a Sagittarius and he's a Cancer. I already know that this is not a great combination, but weirdly he's not the first Cancer I've been involved with, and I wonder if I somehow attract them...
Now, I'm going to try to put everything out there in this, so it might be lengthy, there's alot going on here, but I'm just at the point where I need some other opinions.
The second big issue with us is that he's 21 and I'm 31. since the very beginning I knew, and we both agreed that this was going to be a very casual FWB kind of thing, because of our age differences; we are both in completely different places in our lives. Even though I'm a Sag I am at a place where I'm ready to meet someone to settle down with long term. and he's still in college, among other things which I will get to.
Since we started hooking up he's become very confusing to me because he does things that under normal circumstances, would make me think he's actually interested in me romantically. for example, he texts me daily, and even calls sometimes. he asks for my advice and opinions about his life. He wants me to go out and do things with him, and even talks about us far into the future, like moving to Europe together...
Being that I've been through things like this before, I have tried repeatedly to set boundaries with him, as far as how much time we spend together, etc. and have tried explaining to him how successful FWB are supposed to work, thinking that the issue might just be because he is inexperienced in this. However he seems to get upset with me every time I try to set a boundary, or keep him at arms length. I understand Cancers are generally more needy but he has repeatedly told me that he just can't be anyone's boyfriend right now, so I don't know what he expects me to be to him...
To make things exponentially worse. a few weeks into our arrangement, he came over and explained that while he was working that day, his Ex (of 6 months) called him at work, and she was apparently drunk and was trying to initiate phone sex, and then told him that she was seeing someone. It definitely seemed like she was purposely trying to f*ck with his head, and it worked. He told me that she had broken up with him, and that they were trying to be friends but he told her he wanted to get back together with her. She said she didn't want to get back together but is continuing to string him along and play mind games, and he asked ME for advice!...Continued...
Now, I'm going to try to put everything out there in this, so it might be lengthy, there's alot going on here, but I'm just at the point where I need some other opinions.
The second big issue with us is that he's 21 and I'm 31. since the very beginning I knew, and we both agreed that this was going to be a very casual FWB kind of thing, because of our age differences; we are both in completely different places in our lives. Even though I'm a Sag I am at a place where I'm ready to meet someone to settle down with long term. and he's still in college, among other things which I will get to.
Since we started hooking up he's become very confusing to me because he does things that under normal circumstances, would make me think he's actually interested in me romantically. for example, he texts me daily, and even calls sometimes. he asks for my advice and opinions about his life. He wants me to go out and do things with him, and even talks about us far into the future, like moving to Europe together...
Being that I've been through things like this before, I have tried repeatedly to set boundaries with him, as far as how much time we spend together, etc. and have tried explaining to him how successful FWB are supposed to work, thinking that the issue might just be because he is inexperienced in this. However he seems to get upset with me every time I try to set a boundary, or keep him at arms length. I understand Cancers are generally more needy but he has repeatedly told me that he just can't be anyone's boyfriend right now, so I don't know what he expects me to be to him...
To make things exponentially worse. a few weeks into our arrangement, he came over and explained that while he was working that day, his Ex (of 6 months) called him at work, and she was apparently drunk and was trying to initiate phone sex, and then told him that she was seeing someone. It definitely seemed like she was purposely trying to f*ck with his head, and it worked. He told me that she had broken up with him, and that they were trying to be friends but he told her he wanted to get back together with her. She said she didn't want to get back together but is continuing to string him along and play mind games, and he asked ME for advice!...Continued...
Continued...
As a Sag I told him the best advice I knew, which was that he needed to cut all ties with her. She was just fucking with his head, and it didn't seem like either of them were very good for each other. BTW he also told me that he had cheated on her with a friend of hers, but she didn't know about it. After that I told him that he was an a**hole, and asked why he would want to be with a girl that he cheated on because"the sex was boring"? He explained that he really liked her as a person, and felt comfortable with her. So it boiled down to him wanting to basically be in an open relationship with her, but at the same time, he doesn't want HER to see other people... sigh...I explained to him how it doesn't work like that, and he can't have his cake and eat it too. I tried to be neutral, and give him honest advice, but at the same time, WTF?? after that talk I explained that I don't feel comfortable continuing to sleep with him, since he obviously is still hung up on her, and it seems like she might want him back too. I felt like if I let him, he would try to get back with her, and keep me as a side piece, and I'm not about to let that happen. Again he got upset with me for suggesting that we stop hooking up. and after a day or 2 said that he had taken my advice and had stopped talking to her. he knew it was over, and he had thought about it and he wanted to be single for a while, since he's in college. I agreed that that was a good idea, and after alot more cajoling, we began sleeping together again...
since then, things have been uneventful, but we haven't seen each other in about a month bc he's out of town, though he's still texting me every day...
Until a few nights ago when he text'd me to say that he was currently at his ex's place, and he needed advice bc they had tried to be friends but they had sex, and after he found out that she had slept with the other guy she had been seeing, by snooping through he phone. So no she was sleeping and he was pissed off and said he felt dirty for having sex with her...I was at the point where I was a little pissed off that he keeps coming to me about this, but again I tried to be neutral.. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said that he WANTED to leave right then but it was the middle of the night and she was sleeping, and he was tied. I said then it was simple, he should leave, if that's what he wanted to do...Continued...
As a Sag I told him the best advice I knew, which was that he needed to cut all ties with her. She was just fucking with his head, and it didn't seem like either of them were very good for each other. BTW he also told me that he had cheated on her with a friend of hers, but she didn't know about it. After that I told him that he was an a**hole, and asked why he would want to be with a girl that he cheated on because"the sex was boring"? He explained that he really liked her as a person, and felt comfortable with her. So it boiled down to him wanting to basically be in an open relationship with her, but at the same time, he doesn't want HER to see other people... sigh...I explained to him how it doesn't work like that, and he can't have his cake and eat it too. I tried to be neutral, and give him honest advice, but at the same time, WTF?? after that talk I explained that I don't feel comfortable continuing to sleep with him, since he obviously is still hung up on her, and it seems like she might want him back too. I felt like if I let him, he would try to get back with her, and keep me as a side piece, and I'm not about to let that happen. Again he got upset with me for suggesting that we stop hooking up. and after a day or 2 said that he had taken my advice and had stopped talking to her. he knew it was over, and he had thought about it and he wanted to be single for a while, since he's in college. I agreed that that was a good idea, and after alot more cajoling, we began sleeping together again...
since then, things have been uneventful, but we haven't seen each other in about a month bc he's out of town, though he's still texting me every day...
Until a few nights ago when he text'd me to say that he was currently at his ex's place, and he needed advice bc they had tried to be friends but they had sex, and after he found out that she had slept with the other guy she had been seeing, by snooping through he phone. So no she was sleeping and he was pissed off and said he felt dirty for having sex with her...I was at the point where I was a little pissed off that he keeps coming to me about this, but again I tried to be neutral.. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said that he WANTED to leave right then but it was the middle of the night and she was sleeping, and he was tied. I said then it was simple, he should leave, if that's what he wanted to do...Continued...
Continued...
It seemed more like he was finding excuses so he could stay to confront her, but he knew deep down what he should be doing. After alot of back and forth about it, where I tried to explain that he had no right to get angry at her since they weren't together, he had cheated on her, and he had been hooking up with me at the same time that she was hooking up with someone else. I told him that I definitely didn't feel comfortable continuing to see him, since it's very obvious that he still wants to be with her. we had plans to see each other the next week (today) but I said that I thought he should maybe not come over here for a while. and that if he wanted to still be friends, we could but it would be just friends, with no sex. obviously he was not happy with that arrangement, but I honestly have no idea what else to do at this point...
He let me know the next day that he had ended up leaving, and that "it was over now anyway", but that's all he's said about it, and I haven't asked. Since then he has spent alot of time texting and calling me, trying to be extra nice and convince me to agree to hook up with him again, but I really don't think it's a good idea. If this was a normal guy situation, I'd believe that he would be able to get over her a little bit better, but because I know a little bit about how Cancer's work, I don't believe that he's over her, and to me, the thought of sleeping with a guy who's still in lover with someone else is repulsive.
I know this is not a situation where I can just stop talking to him , and he will go away, he's not the type, so I don't know what to do. I've heard that guys don't send mixed messages but how do you explain all of this? wanting to be with me constantly, and even dropping the "L" bomb a few times (jokingly?) and at the same time, seeking advice about getting back together with an ex? I just don't get it...
It seemed more like he was finding excuses so he could stay to confront her, but he knew deep down what he should be doing. After alot of back and forth about it, where I tried to explain that he had no right to get angry at her since they weren't together, he had cheated on her, and he had been hooking up with me at the same time that she was hooking up with someone else. I told him that I definitely didn't feel comfortable continuing to see him, since it's very obvious that he still wants to be with her. we had plans to see each other the next week (today) but I said that I thought he should maybe not come over here for a while. and that if he wanted to still be friends, we could but it would be just friends, with no sex. obviously he was not happy with that arrangement, but I honestly have no idea what else to do at this point...
He let me know the next day that he had ended up leaving, and that "it was over now anyway", but that's all he's said about it, and I haven't asked. Since then he has spent alot of time texting and calling me, trying to be extra nice and convince me to agree to hook up with him again, but I really don't think it's a good idea. If this was a normal guy situation, I'd believe that he would be able to get over her a little bit better, but because I know a little bit about how Cancer's work, I don't believe that he's over her, and to me, the thought of sleeping with a guy who's still in lover with someone else is repulsive.
I know this is not a situation where I can just stop talking to him , and he will go away, he's not the type, so I don't know what to do. I've heard that guys don't send mixed messages but how do you explain all of this? wanting to be with me constantly, and even dropping the "L" bomb a few times (jokingly?) and at the same time, seeking advice about getting back together with an ex? I just don't get it...
Posted by MagicPowas
When I was in a FWB while still entangled in some bs drama with an ex, I think my FWB thought I was having sex with him or even interested in him. And I did have sex about 2-3 times in the initial stages on the FBW relationship. The guy would make strict rules and make it clear that he's not obligated to me but would get pissed when I would mention the ex. It seemed like that sort of relationship was what he wanted because he kept enforcing FWB (even when I didn't want it). I think I was confused because I didn't know any better, then I confused him and then our emotions and everything else confused everyone. I'm exhausted now.
I think I understand?haha... would it have been more helpful to you if he had tried to explain what exactly what he expected from you as a FWB, or would it have not mattered? Because we've had the discussion about how FWB should work, how we should basically stay out of each other's personal lives, and not see or communicate with each other so much, but he does not want that. He insists that we are actually real friends so it's not just about having sex for him. He says he'd be ok with being just friends with me, but constantly brings up sex and asks why I don't want to sleep with him anymore...
I'm not sure if it was the same for your FWB but I can understand getting angry when you'd talk about your ex! haha, part of it is that your delving way too deep into your personal life, with someone who isn't supposed to be involved in it, and, at least on my part, it kind of makes me feel bad to think that he thinks about her when he's with me... which brings up another issue, am I getting attached to him because he insists on being so close to me? at this point Idk...
Sort our your feelings on this. 21 is REALLY young. If he does not have a lot of experience with women he will not have a lot of experience with his emotions. You do not sound like you are both at a place that will work long term, and that is what you are looking for.
He has emotions for you and still does for her. He does not have a good handle on this. I would keep that in mind and try to be gentle with him. Realize that he will keep trying and if you are too abrupt with him it will do some emotional damage which may take him a long time to recover from.
He has emotions for you and still does for her. He does not have a good handle on this. I would keep that in mind and try to be gentle with him. Realize that he will keep trying and if you are too abrupt with him it will do some emotional damage which may take him a long time to recover from.
Posted by rabidtalker
Sort our your feelings on this. 21 is REALLY young. If he does not have a lot of experience with women he will not have a lot of experience with his emotions. You do not sound like you are both at a place that will work long term, and that is what you are looking for.
He has emotions for you and still does for her. He does not have a good handle on this. I would keep that in mind and try to be gentle with him. Realize that he will keep trying and if you are too abrupt with him it will do some emotional damage which may take him a long time to recover from.
I hear you there, I didn't know all of the baggage involved with him when I first started this, but I'm not expecting a relationship with him, which I was clear about, and thought he was on the same page at first. For me it's more of an "in the mean time" situation, and I was upfront about that too, and he agreed that it would be ok if I met someone worth dating, we would stop sleeping together. all of this has happened since then, and I do feel like I'm loosing a handle on the situation now, which is why I'm looking for advice.
I agreed to trying to remain friends with him because I do know that he doesn't seem to know his own emotions, and I don't want to hurt him, or make things any worse, the problem is that by doing that he thinks he's going to be able to convince me to have sex with him again, and I'm kind of afraid that he will succeed because we have REALLY good sexual chemistry...I'm going against my instincts which are telling me to cut off contact all together, because I really think it will be for the best for both of us in the long run, I just know he won't understand why, if I did that.
I stopped reading at, "He's 21 and I'm 31.."
Girl bye!
Girl bye!
Posted by LunarMaiden
I stopped reading at, "He's 21 and I'm 31.."
Girl bye!
Wow thanks for your non judgmental advise! It's soooo helpful!
Well I considered him more of a F*** buddy but he kept insisting that we were friends, because he basically forced himself into my life. At this point I'd rather be friends without the benefits but I don't think it will work out that way, so I think I'm just going to have to try to fade out of his life entirely.
Posted by KsamCancer
@OP any particular reason why you chose a guy 10 years younger than you as FWB? Surely you could have avoided this by choosing someone closer to your age? I mean " Being that I've been through things like this before" surely you would have known how to dodge a bullet like this before correct? For someone with "sooo" much experience, you sure handled this situation poorly.
I'm sorry, I don't remember asking for your closed minded, judgmental opinions. Could you please point that out? where exactly did I state that?
I also do not remember where I said I had " 'sooo' much experience", as you have apparently quoted me writing...I said that I've had some experience with FWB in the past, not that i'm an expert, and no there wasn't ever such a big age gap. But let me make this explicitly clear for you, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with the current issue. He pursued me, from the beginning. HE spent 2 months convincing me to agree to this arrangement.
I'm sorry we can't all be perfect, like you apparently. sometimes you meet someone who's maybe not your perfect ideal choice, but you can either choose to make the best of it or remain stuck in your ideals, and never live at all. I'd rather learn from a mistake than regret never trying.
Posted by dontgetmewrong
Sorry but this is a friends with benefits situation. You're friends and he comes to you for advice, time and nooky..without anything more than that. That is a fwb.
Maybe you should tell him you just want the benefits and not the friend part..if that is really all you want. You're getting too involved in his life. After a rendevous, throw his clothes at him and tell him to get the F out.
exactly
I heartSags
Ok the age difference means NOTHING first off!!! They are both adults so shut up about it..i have a pretty decent gap between me and my sweetie and it doesn't mean shit. Especially the older you get. But young men dont really know wtf is going on period..so I wouldn't put too much stock in it...he prolly just thinks you know more so asks for your help...so just decide if you wanna deal with it or not and accept you know more of what's going on then he does.
I personally dont have a problem with the age difference between either sexes so long as they are both adults. Society has a way of repressing happiness. This situation is not about ages but experiences and ability to handle the situation and no one involved is really happy.
Posted by Arielle83
It's cuz he's 21 and you're 31. You're an older female who can help him with his woman problems while he pokes you in the meantime.
Essentially he's fucking his therapist.
Ding ding ding. Next!
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