How to break the silent treatment cycle

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by MondayMorning on Friday, September 23, 2016 and has 33 replies.
Hey

I am dating a very crabby crab. He was totally fine when we first met, but as soon as he started to fall in love he got pretty defensive and began to push / pull and test. We're trapped in a cycle that's damaging us.

The cycle is that if we get too close, he withdraws for a while, and when he does that it makes me sad / hurt, so I ask him what's going on and he responds in such a way that makes me angry. For example he will suddenly not call me for 4 or 5 days when he usually calls me every day. So I will then send a message saying "is everything okay?" and he will say "yes I am just busy with work" and I will reply saying "well people make time for what is important to them, so it worries me that you're saying you don't have 30 seconds a day for me" and then he will kick off, lash out, snap at me and be quite rude and then instead of resolving it, he just cuts me off dead. Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks.

He does eventually talk to me, he does eventually apologise and say he regrets it and he explains that he's trying to distance himself for control and that he hates that I make him feel so vulnerable, but I find it is pretty much always me who is being the "bigger person", while he kind of acts like a toddler in a tantrum and that makes me feel devalued and exhausted.

To give a bit of background, he has been through a really tough year. Bereavement recently, a lot of upheaval in his personal life and so he is not functioning at full capacity emotionally and is extremely defensive, but I have been incredibly supportive and there for him and changed / sacrificed a lot to show him how deeply I care and want to be with him - so I guess sometimes I feel like he could perhaps respect my feelings also by perhaps committing 30 seconds a day to call or text me if he knows this is important to me or even just understanding or accepting that when he disappears I find it hurtful and giving me reassurance instead of snapping at me.

I am not a perfect person, I am a Scorpio, but I have given a lot of love to this guy and when someone goes cold, it can fire me off emotionally and giving someone space is obviously not my best quality but I do try really hard to do that. But I find it hard not to feel when he drifts off that it does not mean he doesn't like me anymore, which he says is 100% not the case.

Can I maybe get some advice on this? Is the simple solution for me to accept his withdrawals without reacting? or is that me being a doormat and giving up my own needs for his? I have honestly lost perspective and I want to be with him and have good boundaries but it is very difficult. He is so stubborn I almost feel he tries to test me and push my boundaries to prove that I will leave.

I feel pretty strongly that he does this all out of fear and he is trying to push me away deliberately and I don't know how to break the cycle and whether I need to be tougher or softer. I am obviously getting it wrong!
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Yup. But also what have you done for him to get the feeling of I love him though?
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Don't think it's test but really he just got over a bereavement some people take longer than others and are busy though. But yeah I don't like not making 30 seconds out of 12 hour night or day either and supposedly feel non burdening.
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Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Silent treatment is a form of abuse and manipulator often use this tactic
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It was his Mother, so a very close bereavement and very sudden and happened right in front of him and was a big shock, so he's really not in a good place emotionally. Yes, I have told him all of this, I have been totally open about how I feel and pushed my pride and ego to the floor for him (which as a Scor was hard), and when he calms down he listens and he is sorry but he goes right back and does it again. He does open up and explain, but often days or weeks after the argument and that's left me suffering in between times which is crappy.

This was the message he sent me the last time he did this, which I think explains his state of mind pretty well..


"I do want to be with you, genuinely I do and I am sorry for always messing everything up. I just feel like when I love people they disappear on me and it's not personal to you. I make stupid choices because I get scared. Very few people know me as well as you do. And it makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t like it. People always try, but I never let them close and with you it's like I can't stop it, you just get inside my head against my will and you have this magical ability to bring light into my dark places and sometimes you make me feel perhaps I am not so bad after all. You are so genuinely beautiful. Inside and out. It’s like they forgot to put the bad stuff on you when you were born and although you drive me mad, even if I try and forget about you I can't. You are omnipresent. Ubiquitous. And I find myself watching rubbish films because they remind me of you"

So you know, I mean, I am scaring him for some reason and so when things are going great and we are sorting everything out I do think he deliberately causes a fight. It definitely feels deliberate. I felt all this time that what he needed was consistency and patience so he'd not be so scared or whatever but I am not sure it's helping and I am wondering If I need to be harsher or something.

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18th July. I am sure he's a cancer I was just not sure about the moon or rising sign because he doesn't know his time of birth when I asked him
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It's that age old question of whether you try harder or walk away.

On the one hand, maybe he needs more patience and to know I am not going anywhere and on the other hand maybe what he needs is a slap in the face that he can't continue this.

I know no one can give me the right answer, but it's sad to walk away from someone when you know it's not what either of you wants.

But I think sometimes these cycles become a sick habit and I don't want a toxic relationship with someone who can't be there for me.
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National Suicide Prevention Hotline

1 (800) 273-8255

24/7, se habla espanol

Your call is confidential and free.
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The people in this thread are just unbelievable.

Lady he lost his Mom and you posted he's been through some shocking stuff. Be patient and if you want to talk reach out.

Ignore these aholes believing it's whatever happened to them.
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Posted by notsosure
Posted by kissmygrits
The people in this thread are just unbelievable.

Lady he lost his Mom and you posted he's been through some shocking stuff. Be patient and if you want to talk reach out.

Ignore these aholes believing it's whatever happened to them.
No, I suggest for her to pull back on the romance and be a friend. Because it is clear that he is not in a state to be in a relationship.

So for her not to feel dissapointed and frustrated with him all the time, she needs to pull back, and this will also help him, because he won´t feel like he is not giving her what she wants and not being good enough.

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I wasn't referring to you. You did aight kid. I just don't have the time to tag the horrible advisors.

What saved me out of my grief and loss was the people who did not abandon me.

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@kissmygrits

Thank you. You're so right. He's going through horrible stuff right now. I don't want to / am not going to abandon him but I think also maybe he is not in a place to be in a relationship and perhaps @notsosure is actually right and it puts a subconscious pressure on him to be a "boyfriend". Maybe I need to think of a way to allow him to take a break from the pressure of a relationship, while letting him know I am also not going to abandon him.
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"How to break the silent treatment cycle?"

You walk the fuck away. I had to do that with my Pisces friend. He was a big fan of silent treatment and trying to emotionally manipulate me whenever he was in whatever the fuck mood caused these annoying bouts.

I got real tired of the passive aggressive bs and just distanced myself.

Doesn't matter if it's a relationship (though it's much worse to be treated like this in a relationship because wtf), friendship, family member, whatever. When someone uses this tactic to manipulate you in any way, shape, or form, you need to distance yourself immediately. The fact that you want to stick around says a lot about how poorly you think of yourself.

Don't be a dumb, desperate bitch for behavior like this. It's not worth it. It's their problem to deal with, not yours.
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Posted by kissmygrits
The people in this thread are just unbelievable.

Lady he lost his Mom and you posted he's been through some shocking stuff. Be patient and if you want to talk reach out.

Ignore these aholes believing it's whatever happened to them.
This doesn't give him free reign to treat her like shit and manipulate the fuck out of her by treating her like shit.

I've lost both parents and I didn't go around using it as a free pass to fuck with people like this. There's a big difference between retreating and needing some personal time, and just a constant push/pull.

She threw out that sob story to justify his crappy behavior.

The whole "relationship" is dysfunctional and unhealthy.

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why would I want to justify his behavior if I was asking for help to deal with behavior I said was destructive?

I obviously want legitimate advice on how to curb the behavior - which stinks. As i said.
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That article was great. It IS abusive.

We just had a talk on the phone, and we agreed that all of our arguments and problems start over text messages, so we agreed not to let tempers flare by text and to talk face to face or by phone at least.

He just said he didn't talk to me when he was feeling upset. I do think it's just hard for him to be open and just talk so he sulks. He also said that he's not in a good place and he knows that he's not got the ability to be a good boyfriend right now because sometimes he can't see or cope with anything beyond how he feels.

I am pretty sympathetic to that but it's a hard situation. Maybe a little break would do us good and take the pressure off. So much feeling between us but in a very new relationship it's hard to cope when one person is in the kind of place where they sometimes want to be alone for days and can't talk.
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Call him Monday morning.
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Posted by MondayMorning
So I will then send a message saying "is everything okay?" and he will say "yes I am just busy with work" and I will reply saying "well people make time for what is important to them, so it worries me that you're saying you don't have 30 seconds a day for me" and then he will kick off, lash out, snap at me and be quite rude and then instead of resolving it, he just cuts me off dead. Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks.

Can I maybe get some advice on this? Is the simple solution for me to accept his withdrawals without reacting? or is that me being a doormat and giving up my own needs for his?

Your going about this the wrong way. By complaining about the issue you set him on the defensive and run the risk of going from sexy gf to nagging mother in his eyes.

Setting expectations in a relationship is just like training dogs. You set the boundaries and practice positive reinforcement.

The next time you see him tell him that you need more constant communication. Tell him it can be brief but you want a phone call everyday, a good morning text, etc. etc. Do this in person so that he can see you are not angry or annoyed but relaxed and serene. Keep circling back to the reason you want increased communication, to further build the wonderful connection between you both. Tell him this will make you very happy.

If he truly cares about you he will want to contribute to your happiness. Ignore all bad behavior and reward the good. For example, when he texts good morning, tell him it had a smile on your face all day.

If he doesn't make the effort then he doesn't think your worth the effort. You have your answer and can move forward with your life.
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Posted by notsosure
Posted by MondayMorning
That article was great. It IS abusive.

We just had a talk on the phone, and we agreed that all of our arguments and problems start over text messages, so we agreed not to let tempers flare by text and to talk face to face or by phone at least.

He just said he didn't talk to me when he was feeling upset. I do think it's just hard for him to be open and just talk so he sulks. He also said that he's not in a good place and he knows that he's not got the ability to be a good boyfriend right now because sometimes he can't see or cope with anything beyond how he feels.

I am pretty sympathetic to that but it's a hard situation. Maybe a little break would do us good and take the pressure off. So much feeling between us but in a very new relationship it's hard to cope when one person is in the kind of place where they sometimes want to be alone for days and can't talk.
When he says, he doesn´t talk to you when he is upset, that´s basically a description of his relationship to you. Like he doesn´t concider you a friend and/or confidence, but instead something else. And probably that´s something within him, but still it is the way it is.

So at least he´s being honest here, and this is where you have to be honest with yourself too, and first and foremost realistic: this is how it is. he is not ready to be in a relationship, and you can´t do anything so that he will change. HE has to be the one to feel that, and as long as he doesn´t, you cut the relationship stuff with him. From now on you are just friends. (would be my advicesmile )
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Cancers typically internalize things. They retreat into their shell to deal with whatever heartache and keep it from their loved ones.

So him not sharing with her is him protecting her in his mind. This tells me he does care.
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You will have to leave him alone to let him sort out the stuff going on in his life, he most likely does care about you but us Cancers usually keep people in the dark and you Scorpios want to know everything you hate being left in the dark.

There is probably more to this relationship than you are not telling us, Scorp Cancer relationships are rollercoasters, communication is key, ya us Cancer guys are not good with communicating we like to handle things on our own.

Walk away from this relationship if you don't feel that its working if he really likes you he will come and find you if he doesn't well then he knew it wasn't for him.
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Posted by MondayMorning
why would I want to justify his behavior if I was asking for help to deal with behavior I said was destructive?

I obviously want legitimate advice on how to curb the behavior - which stinks. As i said.
"OH BUT HE'S HAD A ROUGH YEAR..."

^justifying behavior.

I don't give a shit what his personal problems are. It's not okay for him to treat you like this in return.
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Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by MondayMorning
So I will then send a message saying "is everything okay?" and he will say "yes I am just busy with work" and I will reply saying "well people make time for what is important to them, so it worries me that you're saying you don't have 30 seconds a day for me" and then he will kick off, lash out, snap at me and be quite rude and then instead of resolving it, he just cuts me off dead. Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks.

Can I maybe get some advice on this? Is the simple solution for me to accept his withdrawals without reacting? or is that me being a doormat and giving up my own needs for his?

Your going about this the wrong way. By complaining about the issue you set him on the defensive and run the risk of going from sexy gf to nagging mother in his eyes.

Setting expectations in a relationship is just like training dogs. You set the boundaries and practice positive reinforcement.

The next time you see him tell him that you need more constant communication. Tell him it can be brief but you want a phone call everyday, a good morning text, etc. etc. Do this in person so that he can see you are not angry or annoyed but relaxed and serene. Keep circling back to the reason you want increased communication, to further build the wonderful connection between you both. Tell him this will make you very happy.

If he truly cares about you he will want to contribute to your happiness. Ignore all bad behavior and reward the good. For example, when he texts good morning, tell him it had a smile on your face all day.

If he doesn't make the effort then he doesn't think your worth the effort. You have your answer and can move forward with your life.
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I totally missed that tidbit.

She's just as bad as he is with being a manipulative asshole, she's just being passive aggressive and making snide remarks in return.
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Posted by rockyroadicecream
Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by MondayMorning
So I will then send a message saying "is everything okay?" and he will say "yes I am just busy with work" and I will reply saying "well people make time for what is important to them, so it worries me that you're saying you don't have 30 seconds a day for me" and then he will kick off, lash out, snap at me and be quite rude and then instead of resolving it, he just cuts me off dead. Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks.

Can I maybe get some advice on this? Is the simple solution for me to accept his withdrawals without reacting? or is that me being a doormat and giving up my own needs for his?

Your going about this the wrong way. By complaining about the issue you set him on the defensive and run the risk of going from sexy gf to nagging mother in his eyes.

Setting expectations in a relationship is just like training dogs. You set the boundaries and practice positive reinforcement.

The next time you see him tell him that you need more constant communication. Tell him it can be brief but you want a phone call everyday, a good morning text, etc. etc. Do this in person so that he can see you are not angry or annoyed but relaxed and serene. Keep circling back to the reason you want increased communication, to further build the wonderful connection between you both. Tell him this will make you very happy.

If he truly cares about you he will want to contribute to your happiness. Ignore all bad behavior and reward the good. For example, when he texts good morning, tell him it had a smile on your face all day.

If he doesn't make the effort then he doesn't think your worth the effort. You have your answer and can move forward with your life.
I totally missed that tidbit.

She's just as bad as he is with being a manipulative asshole, she's just being passive aggressive and making snide remarks in return.
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And I understand her frustration but this kind of behavior is just going to aggravate the problem.

Cancer men can't take criticism.

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Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by MondayMorning
So I will then send a message saying "is everything okay?" and he will say "yes I am just busy with work" and I will reply saying "well people make time for what is important to them, so it worries me that you're saying you don't have 30 seconds a day for me" and then he will kick off, lash out, snap at me and be quite rude and then instead of resolving it, he just cuts me off dead. Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks.

Can I maybe get some advice on this? Is the simple solution for me to accept his withdrawals without reacting? or is that me being a doormat and giving up my own needs for his?

Your going about this the wrong way. By complaining about the issue you set him on the defensive and run the risk of going from sexy gf to nagging mother in his eyes.

Setting expectations in a relationship is just like training dogs. You set the boundaries and practice positive reinforcement.

The next time you see him tell him that you need more constant communication. Tell him it can be brief but you want a phone call everyday, a good morning text, etc. etc. Do this in person so that he can see you are not angry or annoyed but relaxed and serene. Keep circling back to the reason you want increased communication, to further build the wonderful connection between you both. Tell him this will make you very happy.

If he truly cares about you he will want to contribute to your happiness. Ignore all bad behavior and reward the good. For example, when he texts good morning, tell him it had a smile on your face all day.

If he doesn't make the effort then he doesn't think your worth the effort. You have your answer and can move forward with your life.
I totally missed that tidbit.

She's just as bad as he is with being a manipulative asshole, she's just being passive aggressive and making snide remarks in return.
And I understand her frustration but this kind of behavior is just going to aggravate the problem.

Cancer men can't take criticism.

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Scorpios can't take criticism either you criticise them they get really offended been there done that.
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As a cancer losing my mom suddenly 16mos ago & dating a cancer I agree with Kissmygrits & ladyneptune
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Try touching his pepe.
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Posted by Sagsagsags
Oh this is a cancer thread ? sorry. Well if it's with a cancer then i find quite normal funnily enough? esp if it is in the beginning of a relationship.

He probably doesnt know where you stand with them or whether or not he has the right to be upset with you?

I have one cancer ex who in the beginning of our relationship will give me A LOT of silent treatment whenever he's upset. So I'd leave him until he come to his senses, usually takes about 2-3 days and i'll pop in to say hi if he still gave me that cold silent treatment then I'll go again until he was the one who initiate things. After twice doing that I think it finally clicked to him that I wont be bothered looking for him inside of his shell pleading to come out. And I told him i didnt like that, so after that, he started voicing out his anger.


And then...

I regret making him do that.


Nothing scares me the most than a Cancer's anger.

Fucking scary

It's like a no win situation ?

Your a sag you have a scary temper too my brother is a sag and I have sag friends they have bad tempers too. It takes a lot to get me angry when I do sometimes I snap.

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Posted by Sagsagsags
Posted by Stihl46
Posted by Sagsagsags
Oh this is a cancer thread ? sorry. Well if it's with a cancer then i find quite normal funnily enough? esp if it is in the beginning of a relationship.

He probably doesnt know where you stand with them or whether or not he has the right to be upset with you?

I have one cancer ex who in the beginning of our relationship will give me A LOT of silent treatment whenever he's upset. So I'd leave him until he come to his senses, usually takes about 2-3 days and i'll pop in to say hi if he still gave me that cold silent treatment then I'll go again until he was the one who initiate things. After twice doing that I think it finally clicked to him that I wont be bothered looking for him inside of his shell pleading to come out. And I told him i didnt like that, so after that, he started voicing out his anger.


And then...

I regret making him do that.


Nothing scares me the most than a Cancer's anger.

Fucking scary

It's like a no win situation ?

Your a sag you have a scary temper too my brother is a sag and I have sag friends they have bad tempers too. It takes a lot to get me angry when I do sometimes I snap.

I know, but if I get mad, it lasts only for 10-15 mins. After I am done voicing my anger, I'll be back to my cheerful soul and will feel very sorry for erupting like that and will move mountain to make it up to the other person (if that person is important to me)

My cancer ex is different. He can erupt like krakatoa I swear to God. How he yells and how his eyes bulged is so not like him. He was like a complete stranger to me everytime he got mad.


One time he was driving me home, he got really pissed and punched his window car literally breaking it. Not satisfied, he grab his glasses and broke it and throw it out of the window and start punching his steering wheel. Geez...

Not a single physical abuse though, but still.. scary
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Was his moon in Aries? I sure don't have a temper like that I do get mad then I eventually cool off, the guy you were with sounds like he has issues.

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Kick him in the nards. He'll listen then.
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Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by MondayMorning
So I will then send a message saying "is everything okay?" and he will say "yes I am just busy with work" and I will reply saying "well people make time for what is important to them, so it worries me that you're saying you don't have 30 seconds a day for me" and then he will kick off, lash out, snap at me and be quite rude and then instead of resolving it, he just cuts me off dead. Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks.

Can I maybe get some advice on this? Is the simple solution for me to accept his withdrawals without reacting? or is that me being a doormat and giving up my own needs for his?

Your going about this the wrong way. By complaining about the issue you set him on the defensive and run the risk of going from sexy gf to nagging mother in his eyes.

Setting expectations in a relationship is just like training dogs. You set the boundaries and practice positive reinforcement.

The next time you see him tell him that you need more constant communication. Tell him it can be brief but you want a phone call everyday, a good morning text, etc. etc. Do this in person so that he can see you are not angry or annoyed but relaxed and serene. Keep circling back to the reason you want increased communication, to further build the wonderful connection between you both. Tell him this will make you very happy.

If he truly cares about you he will want to contribute to your happiness. Ignore all bad behavior and reward the good. For example, when he texts good morning, tell him it had a smile on your face all day.

If he doesn't make the effort then he doesn't think your worth the effort. You have your answer and can move forward with your life.
I totally missed that tidbit.

She's just as bad as he is with being a manipulative asshole, she's just being passive aggressive and making snide remarks in return.
And I understand her frustration but this kind of behavior is just going to aggravate the problem.

Cancer men can't take criticism.

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It's passive aggressive and catty as fuck. It doesn't matter what sign you are. Anyone with any self respect would look at those statements and cunt punch the bitch. I work with a Scorp who does shit like that and everyone hates the asshole, being all victimizing and woe is me with his snide comments. Eff that.
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Nevermore, you silly bitch, I'm speaking from experience as someone who has lost both their parents- apparently you missed that part you illiterate twit.

It's still no excuse to behave this way, sorry. Stfu with the coddling and enabling of shitty behavior. You're fucking gross.
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Thanks everybody for all the really helpful replies and helping me with processing all of this.

In the end he admitted he was not able emotionally to give what was required to a relationship. He says he was pretty absorbed in processing his grief and that caused him to be unstable and selfish and overwhelmed and withdrawn from intimacy and he knew it wasn't what I deserved right now.

So as sad as I was about it, I ended it.

It's not about not being supportive of his bereavement. I am happy to be a friend to do that, or a girlfriend to do that - but not someone in between the two who has half a boyfriend who isn't committed to the relationship as a priority in his life and who comes and goes and shuts me out all the time. It's too hard to love somebody that way for months and months and months because you end up banging your head against a wall and feeling confused and bad about yourself.

It was a sad decision, but the right one, and I told him to take time and do what he feels he needs to do (he is talking about a sabbatical from work and travelling for a few months to clear his mind). I told him that I am always there for him and I just want him to be happy. He knows how much I care about him and all I can do is trust that if it's right he finds a way back.

He accepted the breakup pretty reluctantly, but he also knew it was the best thing for right now. He sent me a pretty long letter telling me it had taken him a long time to accept what I was saying, but that he understood. He wrote about how he felt about me, asking me to read a list of books he thought I would like, telling me over and over that he is there for me always. He said about 5 times in his letter that he didn't think it would be "goodbye" forever and that he refused to accept that it was a permanent goodbye and more of a temporary break.

I really think he needs to deal with his stuff and all I can do is accept it. It really sucks, but I guess sometimes grieving people go through stuff emotionally that maybe they have to process alone. I wished I could have helped him more. He said I did, he said I was his angel, but I feel like I should have done something better.
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@Cancan26

Genuinely not a dig at you here, but i read this thread from start to finish and can't see how you read this thread and concluded I came here to complain and not get advice and deserved to go on the public roast? I am not bashing cancers anywhere on my thread, and not bashing my guy - even though he hurt me a lot and interacing normally with everyone else and not ignoring advice. This is just my point...I think sometimes you take it too far. I am cool with it, I have a pretty thick skin and a good sense of humour but what I am telling you here is that this break up has me totally heart broken. Not kidding, I am two weeks not leaving the house barely eating and crying all the time. This stuff hurts, this is losing someone I really love and feeling like I failed. What the point I am trying to make is that my breakup isn't funny Sad

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Posted by MondayMorning
@Cancan26

Genuinely not a dig at you here, but i read this thread from start to finish and can't see how you read this thread and concluded I came here to complain and not get advice and deserved to go on the public roast? I am not bashing cancers anywhere on my thread, and not bashing my guy - even though he hurt me a lot and interacing normally with everyone else and not ignoring advice. This is just my point...I think sometimes you take it too far. I am cool with it, I have a pretty thick skin and a good sense of humour but what I am telling you here is that this break up has me totally heart broken. Not kidding, I am two weeks not leaving the house barely eating and crying all the time. This stuff hurts, this is losing someone I really love and feeling like I failed. What the point I am trying to make is that my breakup isn't funny Sad

no, not this thread ...and not you ...you are still looking at this from JUST YOUR POINT OF VIEW ..and I'm not talking about you specifically ...I am talking about the original threads of the people in the cancer man left me thread...read them and understand why that thread is in existence ...I never said that your break up was funny...matter of fact ...as you stated ...I never contributed to your thread ...one way or another ...I didn't put your post in the cancer man left me thread either ....I just EXPLAIN WHY THE THREAD WAS IN EXISTENCE...

I never read anything in your thread ....past your original post cause I felt like you wanted transparency but you didn't want to give it ..cause well its sucks being vulnerable....
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