I want to die so bad and I’m trying everything.

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by WaterDevil on Saturday, November 10, 2018 and has 36 replies.
I don’t know how much longer I can take this life. No one but my therapist knows how crippling my depression and anxiety is. I just slept for practically 3 days straight. I don’t tell my friends much because I don’t want to dim their light. Especially cause everyone is going through it. But no one knows. I put up a front that I’m strong and happy. For them. So that they feel safe with me. That they can have some hope. But I’m a hypocrite. Out here trying to save everyone but my self. Putting smiles on my face and constantly looking to make people laugh. No one asks if I’m okay though. Just my mom. And I love her so dearly and am grateful for her. But now being there for people isn’t even right. People think it’s fake but it’s not. I know so much how this feels, I feel it everyday. So when someone opens up to me I give them all I have to make them understand they arnt alone and I got their back. Like I’ve been doing with the Pisces that lives 6 hours away. We haven’t talked/seen one another in months. Finally I confronted her that I was worried considering how long it’s been and the last conversation we had that she told me she wanted to die. I gave her some tough love considering her IG posts. And than just started sending her a meme every morning. Just to have something to look forward for and smile. Than days later she was cold and when I asked her what’s up she basically tore me a new ass hole. So I tore her one back basically saying that SHE said she loved me and SHE opened up to me about her depression and anxiety and so I thought that meant she was letting me in. I mean she was! And I told her I was always transparent and without hidden agendas so I don’t know what her deal is. (Because she said I only want one thing) I guess she is used to people being fake to get shit out of her. But I wasn’t. I was up front about caring for her. I mean SHE pushed feelings not me. Than she retaliated “I wear your shirt that you gave me for days at a time! She said. “and the song you sent/wrote me made me cry!” She continued. And finally the stab in the heart... “You are suffocating me! And you live 6 hours away! I mean fuck this makes me want to block you so I forget this ever existed because every time I read something of yours it makes me want to tear my hair out. Why couldn’t you leave our beautiful experience as it was?? I’m sorry but I don’t want people there for me that can’t be physically there! You are making this about your self! I’m sorry that I made you feel like I needed that kind of attention but I don’t! Do you need communication every day even as a friend??? Cause it’s not me”


I than proceeded with a simple “your right, I see now that I was making some of this about my self. And I’m sorry. And for making you cry and making this harder on you. I’d like to give you the space you need. I wish you well.”

She didn’t get it so I dropped it. I don’t need communication ever day. There is not one person in my life I talk to every day. But when someone and so much detail tells me they want to die that makes me want to check on them often. She thought I needed to talk. I wanted to talk. To hear her voice and that she was ok. That is all. But she didn’t understand. and I made her upset. So I let it be.

But I’d lie if I said I don’t need to help people to help my self too. I mean is that such a bad thing? “An act of love can really go the distance” they say. Was it really wrong. Yet here I am now. No one to “save”. I’m a writers I wrote a song two days ago before my VERY LONG hibernation. An angry one. I recorded it. I don’t think I screamed so much in my life.

I was angry at my father. I blame him so much. For telling me to STFU whenever I spoke growing up. That my feelings and thoughts don’t matter. Nothing I did ever good enough which made me want to do more and more and more until one day maybe he’d smile and give me a hug and tell me he loved me like all the other dads in this world. When I had feelings and got upset with him he’d beat me. And the last time we spoke he told me “the biggest mistake I ever made was not hitting you so hard that your face was red for weeks.”

I blame him. I feel I’ll always be alone. I push people away with all the love I give them. They think it’s fake. But my heart truly break when certain people are going through things. Because I know how it feels. It breaks and and makes me realize how small my problems are. But here we are again. I just want to die. I really do. But I think of the people who DO love and care. And how upset they’d be. So I sleep life away. Sometimes driving and wishing a tanker truck would just hit me already. So no one thinks I was being selfish. Or that it was their fault. But I want to die so bad. I’m LOVE driven. I’m such a fucking cancer, libra rising. Self debricqting love obsessed shit. It makes me feel like I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them. And so I’m becoming angrier. I’ve loved EMINEM since I was a kid. Amongst other great rappers. But now I feel I get him more. I get why he’s so angry all the time. The stories he tells of his mother. I get it. He is just a big softie inside. Who was invalidated and hurt by those who are supposed to give him the most love growing up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take bi polar meds. Non narcotic anxiety meds. I’ve stopped working out cause I have no energy. I can only eat when I smoke tree. And than I over eat. I take vitamins. Natural mood aids like kava and Kratom and GABA. All that wholistic shit. I eat well 90% of the time. Healthy and wholesome foods. I try my best to take care of me. Cause I guess a small part of me knows I deserve to be healthy and happy. But I just want to let go so bad. So fucking bad.
Have you considering just leaving your immediate environment for a while? Being stuck in one place can lead to be being stuck in our heads...a whole change of scene/country/culture can be amazing. I did it when i was just 24, I didn't speak any other languages..I just left with £500. I stayed away for 7 years and came back a different person.

Buy a ticket to change and remember there's always a brighter future.
Any words? @LadyNeptune
Hung in there. I know is tough.

I know I know, but hope is around the corner. I know because I have been there many times and it always gets better.
Posted by Black-Mamba

"I was angry at my father. I blame him so much. For telling me to STFU whenever I spoke growing up. That my feelings and thoughts don’t matter. Nothing I did ever good enough which made me want to do more and more and more until one day maybe he’d smile and give me a hug and tell me he loved me like all the other dads in this world. When I had feelings and got upset with him he’d beat me. And the last time we spoke he told me “the biggest mistake I ever made was not hitting you so hard that your face was red for weeks"

yeah okay if we're going to be held back by our parents or our experiences than most of us would be dead right now. I mean i am not trying to take away from your experience, but you really need to fuking man up and get over it.

it happened...and so what...if you live on that thought ...game over! You need to be more present with your life and find solutions around your mental state. Like I notice this thought pattern and behavior, how i can I change it to be happier.



"I’m such a treetrunking cancer, libra rising. Self debricqting love obsessed butter. It makes me feel like I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them. And so I’m becoming angrier. I’ve loved EMINEM since I was a kid. Amongst other great rappers. But now I feel I get him more."

Every cancer goes through these moments. I had one last night. Just pick yourself up. Seriously. All this whining and moaning is a waste of time. Eminem is stuck. His lyrics are great. But no forward movement. Except for monetarily. Listen to people who have overcome their pessimism.



"MAN UP"??? Dont you think i'd let it go if it was that easy??? and Im a woman. Not that it makes it different dude. Im not gonna explain my self in response. What you said is invalidating me completely. You should look in to that.
Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

I don’t know how much longer I can take this life. No one but my therapist knows how crippling my depression and anxiety is. I just slept for practically 3 days straight. I don’t tell my friends much because I don’t want to dim their light. Especially cause everyone is going through it. But no one knows. I put up a front that I’m strong and happy. For them. So that they feel safe with me. That they can have some hope. But I’m a hypocrite. Out here trying to save everyone but my self. Putting smiles on my face and constantly looking to make people laugh. No one asks if I’m okay though. Just my mom. And I love her so dearly and am grateful for her. But now being there for people isn’t even right. People think it’s fake but it’s not. I know so much how this feels, I feel it everyday. So when someone opens up to me I give them all I have to make them understand they arnt alone and I got their back. Like I’ve been doing with the Pisces that lives 6 hours away. We haven’t talked/seen one another in months. Finally I confronted her that I was worried considering how long it’s been and the last conversation we had that she told me she wanted to die. I gave her some tough love considering her IG posts. And than just started sending her a meme every morning. Just to have something to look forward for and smile. Than days later she was cold and when I asked her what’s up she basically tore me a new ass hole. So I tore her one back basically saying that SHE said she loved me and SHE opened up to me about her depression and anxiety and so I thought that meant she was letting me in. I mean she was! And I told her I was always transparent and without hidden agendas so I don’t know what her deal is. (Because she said I only want one thing) I guess she is used to people being fake to get shit out of her. But I wasn’t. I was up front about caring for her. I mean SHE pushed feelings not me. Than she retaliated “I wear your shirt that you gave me for days at a time! She said. “and the song you sent/wrote me made me cry!” She continued. And finally the stab in the heart... “You are suffocating me! And you live 6 hours away! I mean fuck this makes me want to block you so I forget this ever existed because every time I read something of yours it makes me want to tear my hair out. Why couldn’t you leave our beautiful experience as it was?? I’m sorry but I don’t want people there for me that can’t be physically there! You are making this about your self! I’m sorry that I made you feel like I needed that kind of attention but I don’t! Do you need communication every day even as a friend??? Cause it’s not me”


I than proceeded with a simple “your right, I see now that I was making some of this about my self. And I’m sorry. And for making you cry and making this harder on you. I’d like to give you the space you need. I wish you well.”

She didn’t get it so I dropped it. I don’t need communication ever day. There is not one person in my life I talk to every day. But when someone and so much detail tells me they want to die that makes me want to check on them often. She thought I needed to talk. I wanted to talk. To hear her voice and that she was ok. That is all. But she didn’t understand. and I made her upset. So I let it be.

But I’d lie if I said I don’t need to help people to help my self too. I mean is that such a bad thing? “An act of love can really go the distance” they say. Was it really wrong. Yet here I am now. No one to “save”. I’m a writers I wrote a song two days ago before my VERY LONG hibernation. An angry one. I recorded it. I don’t think I screamed so much in my life.

I was angry at my father. I blame him so much. For telling me to STFU whenever I spoke growing up. That my feelings and thoughts don’t matter. Nothing I did ever good enough which made me want to do more and more and more until one day maybe he’d smile and give me a hug and tell me he loved me like all the other dads in this world. When I had feelings and got upset with him he’d beat me. And the last time we spoke he told me “the biggest mistake I ever made was not hitting you so hard that your face was red for weeks.”

I blame him. I feel I’ll always be alone. I push people away with all the love I give them. They think it’s fake. But my heart truly break when certain people are going through things. Because I know how it feels. It breaks and and makes me realize how small my problems are. But here we are again. I just want to die. I really do. But I think of the people who DO love and care. And how upset they’d be. So I sleep life away. Sometimes driving and wishing a tanker truck would just hit me already. So no one thinks I was being selfish. Or that it was their fault. But I want to die so bad. I’m LOVE driven. I’m such a fucking cancer, libra rising. Self debricqting love obsessed shit. It makes me feel like I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them. And so I’m becoming angrier. I’ve loved EMINEM since I was a kid. Amongst other great rappers. But now I feel I get him more. I get why he’s so angry all the time. The stories he tells of his mother. I get it. He is just a big softie inside. Who was invalidated and hurt by those who are supposed to give him the most love growing up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take bi polar meds. Non narcotic anxiety meds. I’ve stopped working out cause I have no energy. I can only eat when I smoke tree. And than I over eat. I take vitamins. Natural mood aids like kava and Kratom and GABA. All that wholistic shit. I eat well 90% of the time. Healthy and wholesome foods. I try my best to take care of me. Cause I guess a small part of me knows I deserve to be healthy and happy. But I just want to let go so bad. So fucking bad.
Ha ! Im pisces and i can relate to you.

I too tired with my live. Yes some people think im fake too. But the think people dont understand is that "being fake is not a bad thing", the bad thing is "the reason behind why are you being fake".

My reason for being fake is so other people did not know my suffering so they wont be sad with me.

Its not even fake, i try to pull my emotion which i had left to give them a real smile full of emotion so they never know that actually im suffering inside and it work almost everytime, even though its exhausting.

It just that i believe in God and God say if you kill yourself hell await you.

I think the problem with you is that "you cant be honest with her that you too actually need help".

You act like a tough person try to save the woman, but you never honest that you too need her help, so she think think you did that for your selfish with maybe evil motive while in fact all you need is for her to help you.

" I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them".

Yes, that is the suffering i feel almost everyday in this few years.

And a little cure for me is that, i fool my self by messaging my lover FB while thinking "she must be care about me" while she never message back.

Having a thought that out there theres someone who care so much for me is enough for me to keep going meanwhile searching for her replacement and ready to kick her forever since shes the one who betray me.

Though yes, sometime i get full of emotion and need someone to hug physically(thats how i unleash my feeling, through hug) and its very depressing.

Perhaps you should do the same. smile
click to expand
Thanks for the advice and sharing that with me. To explain more in verbatim, i said in my last text "youre right, I did make it about my self and I seenow how. Im sorry for that, and for making you cry, and harder on you. As you can see, I have issues my self." That was my way of being honest with her, and expressing that I don't think i'm better than her.

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

I don’t know how much longer I can take this life. No one but my therapist knows how crippling my depression and anxiety is. I just slept for practically 3 days straight. I don’t tell my friends much because I don’t want to dim their light. Especially cause everyone is going through it. But no one knows. I put up a front that I’m strong and happy. For them. So that they feel safe with me. That they can have some hope. But I’m a hypocrite. Out here trying to save everyone but my self. Putting smiles on my face and constantly looking to make people laugh. No one asks if I’m okay though. Just my mom. And I love her so dearly and am grateful for her. But now being there for people isn’t even right. People think it’s fake but it’s not. I know so much how this feels, I feel it everyday. So when someone opens up to me I give them all I have to make them understand they arnt alone and I got their back. Like I’ve been doing with the Pisces that lives 6 hours away. We haven’t talked/seen one another in months. Finally I confronted her that I was worried considering how long it’s been and the last conversation we had that she told me she wanted to die. I gave her some tough love considering her IG posts. And than just started sending her a meme every morning. Just to have something to look forward for and smile. Than days later she was cold and when I asked her what’s up she basically tore me a new ass hole. So I tore her one back basically saying that SHE said she loved me and SHE opened up to me about her depression and anxiety and so I thought that meant she was letting me in. I mean she was! And I told her I was always transparent and without hidden agendas so I don’t know what her deal is. (Because she said I only want one thing) I guess she is used to people being fake to get shit out of her. But I wasn’t. I was up front about caring for her. I mean SHE pushed feelings not me. Than she retaliated “I wear your shirt that you gave me for days at a time! She said. “and the song you sent/wrote me made me cry!” She continued. And finally the stab in the heart... “You are suffocating me! And you live 6 hours away! I mean fuck this makes me want to block you so I forget this ever existed because every time I read something of yours it makes me want to tear my hair out. Why couldn’t you leave our beautiful experience as it was?? I’m sorry but I don’t want people there for me that can’t be physically there! You are making this about your self! I’m sorry that I made you feel like I needed that kind of attention but I don’t! Do you need communication every day even as a friend??? Cause it’s not me”


I than proceeded with a simple “your right, I see now that I was making some of this about my self. And I’m sorry. And for making you cry and making this harder on you. I’d like to give you the space you need. I wish you well.”

She didn’t get it so I dropped it. I don’t need communication ever day. There is not one person in my life I talk to every day. But when someone and so much detail tells me they want to die that makes me want to check on them often. She thought I needed to talk. I wanted to talk. To hear her voice and that she was ok. That is all. But she didn’t understand. and I made her upset. So I let it be.

But I’d lie if I said I don’t need to help people to help my self too. I mean is that such a bad thing? “An act of love can really go the distance” they say. Was it really wrong. Yet here I am now. No one to “save”. I’m a writers I wrote a song two days ago before my VERY LONG hibernation. An angry one. I recorded it. I don’t think I screamed so much in my life.

I was angry at my father. I blame him so much. For telling me to STFU whenever I spoke growing up. That my feelings and thoughts don’t matter. Nothing I did ever good enough which made me want to do more and more and more until one day maybe he’d smile and give me a hug and tell me he loved me like all the other dads in this world. When I had feelings and got upset with him he’d beat me. And the last time we spoke he told me “the biggest mistake I ever made was not hitting you so hard that your face was red for weeks.”

I blame him. I feel I’ll always be alone. I push people away with all the love I give them. They think it’s fake. But my heart truly break when certain people are going through things. Because I know how it feels. It breaks and and makes me realize how small my problems are. But here we are again. I just want to die. I really do. But I think of the people who DO love and care. And how upset they’d be. So I sleep life away. Sometimes driving and wishing a tanker truck would just hit me already. So no one thinks I was being selfish. Or that it was their fault. But I want to die so bad. I’m LOVE driven. I’m such a fucking cancer, libra rising. Self debricqting love obsessed shit. It makes me feel like I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them. And so I’m becoming angrier. I’ve loved EMINEM since I was a kid. Amongst other great rappers. But now I feel I get him more. I get why he’s so angry all the time. The stories he tells of his mother. I get it. He is just a big softie inside. Who was invalidated and hurt by those who are supposed to give him the most love growing up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take bi polar meds. Non narcotic anxiety meds. I’ve stopped working out cause I have no energy. I can only eat when I smoke tree. And than I over eat. I take vitamins. Natural mood aids like kava and Kratom and GABA. All that wholistic shit. I eat well 90% of the time. Healthy and wholesome foods. I try my best to take care of me. Cause I guess a small part of me knows I deserve to be healthy and happy. But I just want to let go so bad. So fucking bad.
Ha ! Im pisces and i can relate to you.

I too tired with my live. Yes some people think im fake too. But the think people dont understand is that "being fake is not a bad thing", the bad thing is "the reason behind why are you being fake".

My reason for being fake is so other people did not know my suffering so they wont be sad with me.

Its not even fake, i try to pull my emotion which i had left to give them a real smile full of emotion so they never know that actually im suffering inside and it work almost everytime, even though its exhausting.

It just that i believe in God and God say if you kill yourself hell await you.

I think the problem with you is that "you cant be honest with her that you too actually need help".

You act like a tough person try to save the woman, but you never honest that you too need her help, so she think think you did that for your selfish with maybe evil motive while in fact all you need is for her to help you.

" I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them".

Yes, that is the suffering i feel almost everyday in this few years.

And a little cure for me is that, i fool my self by messaging my lover FB while thinking "she must be care about me" while she never message back.

Having a thought that out there theres someone who care so much for me is enough for me to keep going meanwhile searching for her replacement and ready to kick her forever since shes the one who betray me.

Though yes, sometime i get full of emotion and need someone to hug physically(thats how i unleash my feeling, through hug) and its very depressing.

Perhaps you should do the same. smile
click to expand
but all that said. I decided already to give her space.And if i write one more thing she wont read it. I know that for fact. So i need to let it go an stop trying to fix things all the time.
Posted by pisceswoman123

Hung in there. I know is tough.

I know I know, but hope is around the corner. I know because I have been there many times and it always gets better.
Love
Posted by pisceswoman123

Hung in there. I know is tough.

I know I know, but hope is around the corner. I know because I have been there many times and it always gets better.
whoops i was trying to send a heart not a kissy face. My bad
Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by pisceswoman123

Hung in there. I know is tough.

I know I know, but hope is around the corner. I know because I have been there many times and it always gets better.
whoops i was trying to send a heart not a kissy face. My bad
click to expand


Hehe

Both are appreciated 💙 😄
Posted by MissKrabs

maybe those meds aren't working for you. can you ask for some change?

meds dont fix everything. been doing this for years.
Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

I don’t know how much longer I can take this life. No one but my therapist knows how crippling my depression and anxiety is. I just slept for practically 3 days straight. I don’t tell my friends much because I don’t want to dim their light. Especially cause everyone is going through it. But no one knows. I put up a front that I’m strong and happy. For them. So that they feel safe with me. That they can have some hope. But I’m a hypocrite. Out here trying to save everyone but my self. Putting smiles on my face and constantly looking to make people laugh. No one asks if I’m okay though. Just my mom. And I love her so dearly and am grateful for her. But now being there for people isn’t even right. People think it’s fake but it’s not. I know so much how this feels, I feel it everyday. So when someone opens up to me I give them all I have to make them understand they arnt alone and I got their back. Like I’ve been doing with the Pisces that lives 6 hours away. We haven’t talked/seen one another in months. Finally I confronted her that I was worried considering how long it’s been and the last conversation we had that she told me she wanted to die. I gave her some tough love considering her IG posts. And than just started sending her a meme every morning. Just to have something to look forward for and smile. Than days later she was cold and when I asked her what’s up she basically tore me a new ass hole. So I tore her one back basically saying that SHE said she loved me and SHE opened up to me about her depression and anxiety and so I thought that meant she was letting me in. I mean she was! And I told her I was always transparent and without hidden agendas so I don’t know what her deal is. (Because she said I only want one thing) I guess she is used to people being fake to get shit out of her. But I wasn’t. I was up front about caring for her. I mean SHE pushed feelings not me. Than she retaliated “I wear your shirt that you gave me for days at a time! She said. “and the song you sent/wrote me made me cry!” She continued. And finally the stab in the heart... “You are suffocating me! And you live 6 hours away! I mean fuck this makes me want to block you so I forget this ever existed because every time I read something of yours it makes me want to tear my hair out. Why couldn’t you leave our beautiful experience as it was?? I’m sorry but I don’t want people there for me that can’t be physically there! You are making this about your self! I’m sorry that I made you feel like I needed that kind of attention but I don’t! Do you need communication every day even as a friend??? Cause it’s not me”


I than proceeded with a simple “your right, I see now that I was making some of this about my self. And I’m sorry. And for making you cry and making this harder on you. I’d like to give you the space you need. I wish you well.”

She didn’t get it so I dropped it. I don’t need communication ever day. There is not one person in my life I talk to every day. But when someone and so much detail tells me they want to die that makes me want to check on them often. She thought I needed to talk. I wanted to talk. To hear her voice and that she was ok. That is all. But she didn’t understand. and I made her upset. So I let it be.

But I’d lie if I said I don’t need to help people to help my self too. I mean is that such a bad thing? “An act of love can really go the distance” they say. Was it really wrong. Yet here I am now. No one to “save”. I’m a writers I wrote a song two days ago before my VERY LONG hibernation. An angry one. I recorded it. I don’t think I screamed so much in my life.

I was angry at my father. I blame him so much. For telling me to STFU whenever I spoke growing up. That my feelings and thoughts don’t matter. Nothing I did ever good enough which made me want to do more and more and more until one day maybe he’d smile and give me a hug and tell me he loved me like all the other dads in this world. When I had feelings and got upset with him he’d beat me. And the last time we spoke he told me “the biggest mistake I ever made was not hitting you so hard that your face was red for weeks.”

I blame him. I feel I’ll always be alone. I push people away with all the love I give them. They think it’s fake. But my heart truly break when certain people are going through things. Because I know how it feels. It breaks and and makes me realize how small my problems are. But here we are again. I just want to die. I really do. But I think of the people who DO love and care. And how upset they’d be. So I sleep life away. Sometimes driving and wishing a tanker truck would just hit me already. So no one thinks I was being selfish. Or that it was their fault. But I want to die so bad. I’m LOVE driven. I’m such a fucking cancer, libra rising. Self debricqting love obsessed shit. It makes me feel like I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them. And so I’m becoming angrier. I’ve loved EMINEM since I was a kid. Amongst other great rappers. But now I feel I get him more. I get why he’s so angry all the time. The stories he tells of his mother. I get it. He is just a big softie inside. Who was invalidated and hurt by those who are supposed to give him the most love growing up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take bi polar meds. Non narcotic anxiety meds. I’ve stopped working out cause I have no energy. I can only eat when I smoke tree. And than I over eat. I take vitamins. Natural mood aids like kava and Kratom and GABA. All that wholistic shit. I eat well 90% of the time. Healthy and wholesome foods. I try my best to take care of me. Cause I guess a small part of me knows I deserve to be healthy and happy. But I just want to let go so bad. So fucking bad.
Ha ! Im pisces and i can relate to you.

I too tired with my live. Yes some people think im fake too. But the think people dont understand is that "being fake is not a bad thing", the bad thing is "the reason behind why are you being fake".

My reason for being fake is so other people did not know my suffering so they wont be sad with me.

Its not even fake, i try to pull my emotion which i had left to give them a real smile full of emotion so they never know that actually im suffering inside and it work almost everytime, even though its exhausting.

It just that i believe in God and God say if you kill yourself hell await you.

I think the problem with you is that "you cant be honest with her that you too actually need help".

You act like a tough person try to save the woman, but you never honest that you too need her help, so she think think you did that for your selfish with maybe evil motive while in fact all you need is for her to help you.

" I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them".

Yes, that is the suffering i feel almost everyday in this few years.

And a little cure for me is that, i fool my self by messaging my lover FB while thinking "she must be care about me" while she never message back.

Having a thought that out there theres someone who care so much for me is enough for me to keep going meanwhile searching for her replacement and ready to kick her forever since shes the one who betray me.

Though yes, sometime i get full of emotion and need someone to hug physically(thats how i unleash my feeling, through hug) and its very depressing.

Perhaps you should do the same. smile
Thanks for the advice and sharing that with me. To explain more in verbatim, i said in my last text "youre right, I did make it about my self and I seenow how. Im sorry for that, and for making you cry, and harder on you. As you can see, I have issues my self." That was my way of being honest with her, and expressing that I don't think i'm better than her.

You should have said your real intention "its nice that i could be there for you but the truth is i too have depressed like you and need someone to talk to, someone to take care of, and by talking with you it help me a little" and maybe she will understand.
click to expand
too bad its too late.
Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

I don’t know how much longer I can take this life. No one but my therapist knows how crippling my depression and anxiety is. I just slept for practically 3 days straight. I don’t tell my friends much because I don’t want to dim their light. Especially cause everyone is going through it. But no one knows. I put up a front that I’m strong and happy. For them. So that they feel safe with me. That they can have some hope. But I’m a hypocrite. Out here trying to save everyone but my self. Putting smiles on my face and constantly looking to make people laugh. No one asks if I’m okay though. Just my mom. And I love her so dearly and am grateful for her. But now being there for people isn’t even right. People think it’s fake but it’s not. I know so much how this feels, I feel it everyday. So when someone opens up to me I give them all I have to make them understand they arnt alone and I got their back. Like I’ve been doing with the Pisces that lives 6 hours away. We haven’t talked/seen one another in months. Finally I confronted her that I was worried considering how long it’s been and the last conversation we had that she told me she wanted to die. I gave her some tough love considering her IG posts. And than just started sending her a meme every morning. Just to have something to look forward for and smile. Than days later she was cold and when I asked her what’s up she basically tore me a new ass hole. So I tore her one back basically saying that SHE said she loved me and SHE opened up to me about her depression and anxiety and so I thought that meant she was letting me in. I mean she was! And I told her I was always transparent and without hidden agendas so I don’t know what her deal is. (Because she said I only want one thing) I guess she is used to people being fake to get shit out of her. But I wasn’t. I was up front about caring for her. I mean SHE pushed feelings not me. Than she retaliated “I wear your shirt that you gave me for days at a time! She said. “and the song you sent/wrote me made me cry!” She continued. And finally the stab in the heart... “You are suffocating me! And you live 6 hours away! I mean fuck this makes me want to block you so I forget this ever existed because every time I read something of yours it makes me want to tear my hair out. Why couldn’t you leave our beautiful experience as it was?? I’m sorry but I don’t want people there for me that can’t be physically there! You are making this about your self! I’m sorry that I made you feel like I needed that kind of attention but I don’t! Do you need communication every day even as a friend??? Cause it’s not me”


I than proceeded with a simple “your right, I see now that I was making some of this about my self. And I’m sorry. And for making you cry and making this harder on you. I’d like to give you the space you need. I wish you well.”

She didn’t get it so I dropped it. I don’t need communication ever day. There is not one person in my life I talk to every day. But when someone and so much detail tells me they want to die that makes me want to check on them often. She thought I needed to talk. I wanted to talk. To hear her voice and that she was ok. That is all. But she didn’t understand. and I made her upset. So I let it be.

But I’d lie if I said I don’t need to help people to help my self too. I mean is that such a bad thing? “An act of love can really go the distance” they say. Was it really wrong. Yet here I am now. No one to “save”. I’m a writers I wrote a song two days ago before my VERY LONG hibernation. An angry one. I recorded it. I don’t think I screamed so much in my life.

I was angry at my father. I blame him so much. For telling me to STFU whenever I spoke growing up. That my feelings and thoughts don’t matter. Nothing I did ever good enough which made me want to do more and more and more until one day maybe he’d smile and give me a hug and tell me he loved me like all the other dads in this world. When I had feelings and got upset with him he’d beat me. And the last time we spoke he told me “the biggest mistake I ever made was not hitting you so hard that your face was red for weeks.”

I blame him. I feel I’ll always be alone. I push people away with all the love I give them. They think it’s fake. But my heart truly break when certain people are going through things. Because I know how it feels. It breaks and and makes me realize how small my problems are. But here we are again. I just want to die. I really do. But I think of the people who DO love and care. And how upset they’d be. So I sleep life away. Sometimes driving and wishing a tanker truck would just hit me already. So no one thinks I was being selfish. Or that it was their fault. But I want to die so bad. I’m LOVE driven. I’m such a fucking cancer, libra rising. Self debricqting love obsessed shit. It makes me feel like I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them. And so I’m becoming angrier. I’ve loved EMINEM since I was a kid. Amongst other great rappers. But now I feel I get him more. I get why he’s so angry all the time. The stories he tells of his mother. I get it. He is just a big softie inside. Who was invalidated and hurt by those who are supposed to give him the most love growing up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take bi polar meds. Non narcotic anxiety meds. I’ve stopped working out cause I have no energy. I can only eat when I smoke tree. And than I over eat. I take vitamins. Natural mood aids like kava and Kratom and GABA. All that wholistic shit. I eat well 90% of the time. Healthy and wholesome foods. I try my best to take care of me. Cause I guess a small part of me knows I deserve to be healthy and happy. But I just want to let go so bad. So fucking bad.
Ha ! Im pisces and i can relate to you.

I too tired with my live. Yes some people think im fake too. But the think people dont understand is that "being fake is not a bad thing", the bad thing is "the reason behind why are you being fake".

My reason for being fake is so other people did not know my suffering so they wont be sad with me.

Its not even fake, i try to pull my emotion which i had left to give them a real smile full of emotion so they never know that actually im suffering inside and it work almost everytime, even though its exhausting.

It just that i believe in God and God say if you kill yourself hell await you.

I think the problem with you is that "you cant be honest with her that you too actually need help".

You act like a tough person try to save the woman, but you never honest that you too need her help, so she think think you did that for your selfish with maybe evil motive while in fact all you need is for her to help you.

" I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them".

Yes, that is the suffering i feel almost everyday in this few years.

And a little cure for me is that, i fool my self by messaging my lover FB while thinking "she must be care about me" while she never message back.

Having a thought that out there theres someone who care so much for me is enough for me to keep going meanwhile searching for her replacement and ready to kick her forever since shes the one who betray me.

Though yes, sometime i get full of emotion and need someone to hug physically(thats how i unleash my feeling, through hug) and its very depressing.

Perhaps you should do the same. smile
Thanks for the advice and sharing that with me. To explain more in verbatim, i said in my last text "youre right, I did make it about my self and I seenow how. Im sorry for that, and for making you cry, and harder on you. As you can see, I have issues my self." That was my way of being honest with her, and expressing that I don't think i'm better than her.

And it seems like she need physical contact, need someone to hug and let her emotion out. By talking with you it make her emotion want to hug you, but she cant hug you, so there she is, turtured unintentionally by you, you make her want to hug make her longing for somone to hug but theres no you or anyone in there to hug her.

Or perhaps she need help, a real physical help by you being there to fix her whatever problem, but you cant help her because you're there far away from her. So she feel that everything is pointless, its exhausting for her because you did not give what she need but gave her what she dont need, then realize talking with you are pointless, it just make her depressed even more because you're there but at the same time not there beside her to help her, you give her hope of saving her but give her a false hope because you never could help her fix the main problem why shes depressed. Then choose to block you


It would be beyond narcissistic to think that she is souly depressed because of me. Most of her issues have nothing to do with me. But she ended up never blocking me. More threatened to because she wanted me to leave her be. And so I did. I’m not longer contacting her or Following her on everything. But thank you. I needed to hear some of that, giving me perspective. Cause this brings out my insecurity, and I think people leave me because they hate me. But that’s not the truth. But it sucks. I’ve thought many of time to just buy a bus ticket to see her. But I always in the back of my mind thought “what if she doesn’t want to see you”.
click to expand

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

I don’t know how much longer I can take this life. No one but my therapist knows how crippling my depression and anxiety is. I just slept for practically 3 days straight. I don’t tell my friends much because I don’t want to dim their light. Especially cause everyone is going through it. But no one knows. I put up a front that I’m strong and happy. For them. So that they feel safe with me. That they can have some hope. But I’m a hypocrite. Out here trying to save everyone but my self. Putting smiles on my face and constantly looking to make people laugh. No one asks if I’m okay though. Just my mom. And I love her so dearly and am grateful for her. But now being there for people isn’t even right. People think it’s fake but it’s not. I know so much how this feels, I feel it everyday. So when someone opens up to me I give them all I have to make them understand they arnt alone and I got their back. Like I’ve been doing with the Pisces that lives 6 hours away. We haven’t talked/seen one another in months. Finally I confronted her that I was worried considering how long it’s been and the last conversation we had that she told me she wanted to die. I gave her some tough love considering her IG posts. And than just started sending her a meme every morning. Just to have something to look forward for and smile. Than days later she was cold and when I asked her what’s up she basically tore me a new ass hole. So I tore her one back basically saying that SHE said she loved me and SHE opened up to me about her depression and anxiety and so I thought that meant she was letting me in. I mean she was! And I told her I was always transparent and without hidden agendas so I don’t know what her deal is. (Because she said I only want one thing) I guess she is used to people being fake to get shit out of her. But I wasn’t. I was up front about caring for her. I mean SHE pushed feelings not me. Than she retaliated “I wear your shirt that you gave me for days at a time! She said. “and the song you sent/wrote me made me cry!” She continued. And finally the stab in the heart... “You are suffocating me! And you live 6 hours away! I mean fuck this makes me want to block you so I forget this ever existed because every time I read something of yours it makes me want to tear my hair out. Why couldn’t you leave our beautiful experience as it was?? I’m sorry but I don’t want people there for me that can’t be physically there! You are making this about your self! I’m sorry that I made you feel like I needed that kind of attention but I don’t! Do you need communication every day even as a friend??? Cause it’s not me”


I than proceeded with a simple “your right, I see now that I was making some of this about my self. And I’m sorry. And for making you cry and making this harder on you. I’d like to give you the space you need. I wish you well.”

She didn’t get it so I dropped it. I don’t need communication ever day. There is not one person in my life I talk to every day. But when someone and so much detail tells me they want to die that makes me want to check on them often. She thought I needed to talk. I wanted to talk. To hear her voice and that she was ok. That is all. But she didn’t understand. and I made her upset. So I let it be.

But I’d lie if I said I don’t need to help people to help my self too. I mean is that such a bad thing? “An act of love can really go the distance” they say. Was it really wrong. Yet here I am now. No one to “save”. I’m a writers I wrote a song two days ago before my VERY LONG hibernation. An angry one. I recorded it. I don’t think I screamed so much in my life.

I was angry at my father. I blame him so much. For telling me to STFU whenever I spoke growing up. That my feelings and thoughts don’t matter. Nothing I did ever good enough which made me want to do more and more and more until one day maybe he’d smile and give me a hug and tell me he loved me like all the other dads in this world. When I had feelings and got upset with him he’d beat me. And the last time we spoke he told me “the biggest mistake I ever made was not hitting you so hard that your face was red for weeks.”

I blame him. I feel I’ll always be alone. I push people away with all the love I give them. They think it’s fake. But my heart truly break when certain people are going through things. Because I know how it feels. It breaks and and makes me realize how small my problems are. But here we are again. I just want to die. I really do. But I think of the people who DO love and care. And how upset they’d be. So I sleep life away. Sometimes driving and wishing a tanker truck would just hit me already. So no one thinks I was being selfish. Or that it was their fault. But I want to die so bad. I’m LOVE driven. I’m such a fucking cancer, libra rising. Self debricqting love obsessed shit. It makes me feel like I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them. And so I’m becoming angrier. I’ve loved EMINEM since I was a kid. Amongst other great rappers. But now I feel I get him more. I get why he’s so angry all the time. The stories he tells of his mother. I get it. He is just a big softie inside. Who was invalidated and hurt by those who are supposed to give him the most love growing up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take bi polar meds. Non narcotic anxiety meds. I’ve stopped working out cause I have no energy. I can only eat when I smoke tree. And than I over eat. I take vitamins. Natural mood aids like kava and Kratom and GABA. All that wholistic shit. I eat well 90% of the time. Healthy and wholesome foods. I try my best to take care of me. Cause I guess a small part of me knows I deserve to be healthy and happy. But I just want to let go so bad. So fucking bad.
Ha ! Im pisces and i can relate to you.

I too tired with my live. Yes some people think im fake too. But the think people dont understand is that "being fake is not a bad thing", the bad thing is "the reason behind why are you being fake".

My reason for being fake is so other people did not know my suffering so they wont be sad with me.

Its not even fake, i try to pull my emotion which i had left to give them a real smile full of emotion so they never know that actually im suffering inside and it work almost everytime, even though its exhausting.

It just that i believe in God and God say if you kill yourself hell await you.

I think the problem with you is that "you cant be honest with her that you too actually need help".

You act like a tough person try to save the woman, but you never honest that you too need her help, so she think think you did that for your selfish with maybe evil motive while in fact all you need is for her to help you.

" I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them".

Yes, that is the suffering i feel almost everyday in this few years.

And a little cure for me is that, i fool my self by messaging my lover FB while thinking "she must be care about me" while she never message back.

Having a thought that out there theres someone who care so much for me is enough for me to keep going meanwhile searching for her replacement and ready to kick her forever since shes the one who betray me.

Though yes, sometime i get full of emotion and need someone to hug physically(thats how i unleash my feeling, through hug) and its very depressing.

Perhaps you should do the same. smile
Thanks for the advice and sharing that with me. To explain more in verbatim, i said in my last text "youre right, I did make it about my self and I seenow how. Im sorry for that, and for making you cry, and harder on you. As you can see, I have issues my self." That was my way of being honest with her, and expressing that I don't think i'm better than her.

You should have said your real intention "its nice that i could be there for you but the truth is i too have depressed like you and need someone to talk to, someone to take care of, and by talking with you it help me a little" and maybe she will understand.
too bad its too late.
It seems like the pisces you know need physical help, not just talk.

If you cant help her, come into her home, help her physically maybe you should focus in helping yourself by finding someone you could love.

Go out fix your relationship with your parent or get out and find some man or something to love. You're a woman, you dont need a job to get men, unlike me.

Making a castle in your your bed, your home alone while being depressed wont change the situation.
click to expand


I’m a woman and so is she. Just so you know.
i dont want men. i dont need to seak them they want me.
Posted by MissKrabs

anyway sorry for derailing, you absolutely need a support system. that therapist does he/she supports you? best therapists are like parents we never had, no judgment, focus on your good sides, qualities, and not having that blank stare, non emotional look.
she does support me. Unfortunately she got another job (cause she is at a non profit program) so im getting a different person soon. We'll see
Posted by WaterDevil

I don’t know how much longer I can take this life. No one but my therapist knows how crippling my depression and anxiety is. I just slept for practically 3 days straight. I don’t tell my friends much because I don’t want to dim their light. Especially cause everyone is going through it. But no one knows. I put up a front that I’m strong and happy. For them. So that they feel safe with me. That they can have some hope. But I’m a hypocrite. Out here trying to save everyone but my self. Putting smiles on my face and constantly looking to make people laugh. No one asks if I’m okay though. Just my mom. And I love her so dearly and am grateful for her. But now being there for people isn’t even right. People think it’s fake but it’s not. I know so much how this feels, I feel it everyday. So when someone opens up to me I give them all I have to make them understand they arnt alone and I got their back. Like I’ve been doing with the Pisces that lives 6 hours away. We haven’t talked/seen one another in months. Finally I confronted her that I was worried considering how long it’s been and the last conversation we had that she told me she wanted to die. I gave her some tough love considering her IG posts. And than just started sending her a meme every morning. Just to have something to look forward for and smile. Than days later she was cold and when I asked her what’s up she basically tore me a new ass hole. So I tore her one back basically saying that SHE said she loved me and SHE opened up to me about her depression and anxiety and so I thought that meant she was letting me in. I mean she was! And I told her I was always transparent and without hidden agendas so I don’t know what her deal is. (Because she said I only want one thing) I guess she is used to people being fake to get shit out of her. But I wasn’t. I was up front about caring for her. I mean SHE pushed feelings not me. Than she retaliated “I wear your shirt that you gave me for days at a time! She said. “and the song you sent/wrote me made me cry!” She continued. And finally the stab in the heart... “You are suffocating me! And you live 6 hours away! I mean fuck this makes me want to block you so I forget this ever existed because every time I read something of yours it makes me want to tear my hair out. Why couldn’t you leave our beautiful experience as it was?? I’m sorry but I don’t want people there for me that can’t be physically there! You are making this about your self! I’m sorry that I made you feel like I needed that kind of attention but I don’t! Do you need communication every day even as a friend??? Cause it’s not me”


I than proceeded with a simple “your right, I see now that I was making some of this about my self. And I’m sorry. And for making you cry and making this harder on you. I’d like to give you the space you need. I wish you well.”

She didn’t get it so I dropped it. I don’t need communication ever day. There is not one person in my life I talk to every day. But when someone and so much detail tells me they want to die that makes me want to check on them often. She thought I needed to talk. I wanted to talk. To hear her voice and that she was ok. That is all. But she didn’t understand. and I made her upset. So I let it be.

But I’d lie if I said I don’t need to help people to help my self too. I mean is that such a bad thing? “An act of love can really go the distance” they say. Was it really wrong. Yet here I am now. No one to “save”. I’m a writers I wrote a song two days ago before my VERY LONG hibernation. An angry one. I recorded it. I don’t think I screamed so much in my life.

I was angry at my father. I blame him so much. For telling me to STFU whenever I spoke growing up. That my feelings and thoughts don’t matter. Nothing I did ever good enough which made me want to do more and more and more until one day maybe he’d smile and give me a hug and tell me he loved me like all the other dads in this world. When I had feelings and got upset with him he’d beat me. And the last time we spoke he told me “the biggest mistake I ever made was not hitting you so hard that your face was red for weeks.”

I blame him. I feel I’ll always be alone. I push people away with all the love I give them. They think it’s fake. But my heart truly break when certain people are going through things. Because I know how it feels. It breaks and and makes me realize how small my problems are. But here we are again. I just want to die. I really do. But I think of the people who DO love and care. And how upset they’d be. So I sleep life away. Sometimes driving and wishing a tanker truck would just hit me already. So no one thinks I was being selfish. Or that it was their fault. But I want to die so bad. I’m LOVE driven. I’m such a fucking cancer, libra rising. Self debricqting love obsessed shit. It makes me feel like I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them. And so I’m becoming angrier. I’ve loved EMINEM since I was a kid. Amongst other great rappers. But now I feel I get him more. I get why he’s so angry all the time. The stories he tells of his mother. I get it. He is just a big softie inside. Who was invalidated and hurt by those who are supposed to give him the most love growing up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take bi polar meds. Non narcotic anxiety meds. I’ve stopped working out cause I have no energy. I can only eat when I smoke tree. And than I over eat. I take vitamins. Natural mood aids like kava and Kratom and GABA. All that wholistic shit. I eat well 90% of the time. Healthy and wholesome foods. I try my best to take care of me. Cause I guess a small part of me knows I deserve to be healthy and happy. But I just want to let go so bad. So fucking bad.
call me
I hope things get better for you! I felt that way when I was very young. Wanting to just let go.

But not now. I hope you find the strength to live on.
Posted by bmoon8

Make an appointment with your pdoc to see about getting a med adjustment. Call or text the Crises hotline about wanting to die. They have trained professionals that can help you. Nobody on dxpnet is equipped to help you with suicidal thoughts nor should anyone here be put in a position to save your life.


\

I already did those things. Professionals are well aware of whats going on. As i wrote up top, Im tryin everything. Doesnt mean goes away over night. Im not asking DXP for help. Im looking for someone who relates.
Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Try and observe not absorb.. it gets easier with practise.

Shiiit is happening as opposed to shit makes me feel.

Honouring feelings is a real human error cos we tend to do it when we really shouldn’t.

Hope you’re ok and please seek help if this persists.

thank you, thats really good different perspective ive never heard before. I sit here worrying about the past for days, aother issue. So i look in to feelings so hard as to not repeat the past.
Remember, your life is better than a lot of other people’s. There’s a lot to be grateful for.
Posted by jok4212

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by jok4212

Posted by WaterDevil

I don’t know how much longer I can take this life. No one but my therapist knows how crippling my depression and anxiety is. I just slept for practically 3 days straight. I don’t tell my friends much because I don’t want to dim their light. Especially cause everyone is going through it. But no one knows. I put up a front that I’m strong and happy. For them. So that they feel safe with me. That they can have some hope. But I’m a hypocrite. Out here trying to save everyone but my self. Putting smiles on my face and constantly looking to make people laugh. No one asks if I’m okay though. Just my mom. And I love her so dearly and am grateful for her. But now being there for people isn’t even right. People think it’s fake but it’s not. I know so much how this feels, I feel it everyday. So when someone opens up to me I give them all I have to make them understand they arnt alone and I got their back. Like I’ve been doing with the Pisces that lives 6 hours away. We haven’t talked/seen one another in months. Finally I confronted her that I was worried considering how long it’s been and the last conversation we had that she told me she wanted to die. I gave her some tough love considering her IG posts. And than just started sending her a meme every morning. Just to have something to look forward for and smile. Than days later she was cold and when I asked her what’s up she basically tore me a new ass hole. So I tore her one back basically saying that SHE said she loved me and SHE opened up to me about her depression and anxiety and so I thought that meant she was letting me in. I mean she was! And I told her I was always transparent and without hidden agendas so I don’t know what her deal is. (Because she said I only want one thing) I guess she is used to people being fake to get shit out of her. But I wasn’t. I was up front about caring for her. I mean SHE pushed feelings not me. Than she retaliated “I wear your shirt that you gave me for days at a time! She said. “and the song you sent/wrote me made me cry!” She continued. And finally the stab in the heart... “You are suffocating me! And you live 6 hours away! I mean fuck this makes me want to block you so I forget this ever existed because every time I read something of yours it makes me want to tear my hair out. Why couldn’t you leave our beautiful experience as it was?? I’m sorry but I don’t want people there for me that can’t be physically there! You are making this about your self! I’m sorry that I made you feel like I needed that kind of attention but I don’t! Do you need communication every day even as a friend??? Cause it’s not me”


I than proceeded with a simple “your right, I see now that I was making some of this about my self. And I’m sorry. And for making you cry and making this harder on you. I’d like to give you the space you need. I wish you well.”

She didn’t get it so I dropped it. I don’t need communication ever day. There is not one person in my life I talk to every day. But when someone and so much detail tells me they want to die that makes me want to check on them often. She thought I needed to talk. I wanted to talk. To hear her voice and that she was ok. That is all. But she didn’t understand. and I made her upset. So I let it be.

But I’d lie if I said I don’t need to help people to help my self too. I mean is that such a bad thing? “An act of love can really go the distance” they say. Was it really wrong. Yet here I am now. No one to “save”. I’m a writers I wrote a song two days ago before my VERY LONG hibernation. An angry one. I recorded it. I don’t think I screamed so much in my life.

I was angry at my father. I blame him so much. For telling me to STFU whenever I spoke growing up. That my feelings and thoughts don’t matter. Nothing I did ever good enough which made me want to do more and more and more until one day maybe he’d smile and give me a hug and tell me he loved me like all the other dads in this world. When I had feelings and got upset with him he’d beat me. And the last time we spoke he told me “the biggest mistake I ever made was not hitting you so hard that your face was red for weeks.”

I blame him. I feel I’ll always be alone. I push people away with all the love I give them. They think it’s fake. But my heart truly break when certain people are going through things. Because I know how it feels. It breaks and and makes me realize how small my problems are. But here we are again. I just want to die. I really do. But I think of the people who DO love and care. And how upset they’d be. So I sleep life away. Sometimes driving and wishing a tanker truck would just hit me already. So no one thinks I was being selfish. Or that it was their fault. But I want to die so bad. I’m LOVE driven. I’m such a fucking cancer, libra rising. Self debricqting love obsessed shit. It makes me feel like I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them. And so I’m becoming angrier. I’ve loved EMINEM since I was a kid. Amongst other great rappers. But now I feel I get him more. I get why he’s so angry all the time. The stories he tells of his mother. I get it. He is just a big softie inside. Who was invalidated and hurt by those who are supposed to give him the most love growing up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I take bi polar meds. Non narcotic anxiety meds. I’ve stopped working out cause I have no energy. I can only eat when I smoke tree. And than I over eat. I take vitamins. Natural mood aids like kava and Kratom and GABA. All that wholistic shit. I eat well 90% of the time. Healthy and wholesome foods. I try my best to take care of me. Cause I guess a small part of me knows I deserve to be healthy and happy. But I just want to let go so bad. So fucking bad.
Ha ! Im pisces and i can relate to you.

I too tired with my live. Yes some people think im fake too. But the think people dont understand is that "being fake is not a bad thing", the bad thing is "the reason behind why are you being fake".

My reason for being fake is so other people did not know my suffering so they wont be sad with me.

Its not even fake, i try to pull my emotion which i had left to give them a real smile full of emotion so they never know that actually im suffering inside and it work almost everytime, even though its exhausting.

It just that i believe in God and God say if you kill yourself hell await you.

I think the problem with you is that "you cant be honest with her that you too actually need help".

You act like a tough person try to save the woman, but you never honest that you too need her help, so she think think you did that for your selfish with maybe evil motive while in fact all you need is for her to help you.

" I will never truly enjoy my life without someone to just let me love and be there for them".

Yes, that is the suffering i feel almost everyday in this few years.

And a little cure for me is that, i fool my self by messaging my lover FB while thinking "she must be care about me" while she never message back.

Having a thought that out there theres someone who care so much for me is enough for me to keep going meanwhile searching for her replacement and ready to kick her forever since shes the one who betray me.

Though yes, sometime i get full of emotion and need someone to hug physically(thats how i unleash my feeling, through hug) and its very depressing.

Perhaps you should do the same. smile
Thanks for the advice and sharing that with me. To explain more in verbatim, i said in my last text "youre right, I did make it about my self and I seenow how. Im sorry for that, and for making you cry, and harder on you. As you can see, I have issues my self." That was my way of being honest with her, and expressing that I don't think i'm better than her.

You should have said your real intention "its nice that i could be there for you but the truth is i too have depressed like you and need someone to talk to, someone to take care of, and by talking with you it help me a little" and maybe she will understand.
too bad its too late.
It seems like the pisces you know need physical help, not just talk.

If you cant help her, come into her home, help her physically maybe you should focus in helping yourself by finding someone you could love.

Go out fix your relationship with your parent or get out and find some man or something to love. You're a woman, you dont need a job to get men, unlike me.

Making a castle in your your bed, your home alone while being depressed wont change the situation.


I’m a woman and so is she. Just so you know.
And that is exactly why i told you to seek men to love.
You telling her to alter her sexuality and that makes things better?
I tho... O_o I thought they just... friend... O_o
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Omg LOL
Obviously you're not trying hard enough

Maybe it's time to put on the britches.
Posted by bmoon8

Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by bmoon8

Make an appointment with your pdoc to see about getting a med adjustment. Call or text the Crises hotline about wanting to die. They have trained professionals that can help you. Nobody on dxpnet is equipped to help you with suicidal thoughts nor should anyone here be put in a position to save your life.


\

I already did those things. Professionals are well aware of whats going on. As i wrote up top, Im tryin everything. Doesnt mean goes away over night. Im not asking DXP for help. Im looking for someone who relates.
The only thing I can relate to out of your post is I am bipolar, too. I, fortunately, am on the right med cocktail and am stable. I am grateful that I am. I am able to lead a productive life .. I work full time and go to school part time. I wish you luck on getting on the right med cocktail and that you get the help you need.
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I am and have been on the right meds for over 5 years. BiPolar meds dont fix depression, and depression meds make me suicidal. Im not new to this. glad you have a happy productive life.
Posted by DeadInside


Howd you know Iv been listening to him non stop. hmmmmm. lol. Ever listen to Brennan Savage?
Posted by DeadInside

no advice just a lil peep song
had a feeling you were a cap just by your username lol
they are coming out with more meds and procedures to try - hang in there - can you see better specialists ?
Living is always worth it. I'm sorry you feel this way. I think there's nothing wrong with two people who are having similar issues to rely on each other like a crutch. That can be healthy and beneficial. But you both should have other sources of support too. You may not be able to be there for your friend all the time, she needs to be able to get by on her own or with others help. And you need to make sure you're taking care of you just as much. Sounds like you have issues from your past that need addressing and processing.

It sounds cliche I know but it will get better, but you have to want it, you have to fight for it. Feel free to msg me OP if you want to talk about things.
Posted by FireStarter

Living is always worth it. I'm sorry you feel this way. I think there's nothing wrong with two people who are having similar issues to rely on each other like a crutch. That can be healthy and beneficial. But you both should have other sources of support too. You may not be able to be there for your friend all the time, she needs to be able to get by on her own or with others help. And you need to make sure you're taking care of you just as much. Sounds like you have issues from your past that need addressing and processing.

It sounds cliche I know but it will get better, but you have to want it, you have to fight for it. Feel free to msg me OP if you want to talk about things.
Yeah she doesn’t want to talk to me. Or no what’s going on with me, if she did want to know she’d ask. I’m done divulging information to people who make it very clear they don’t care. But yeah I’m well aware of my passed and how it’s affecting my adulthood. That awareness is what caused my depression relapse.


I wrote this the other day. Couldn’t take it
I am currently in the same boat, I thought I was being lazy Untill I researched the symptoms of depression I was apathetic to everything. My cause of depression or depressive state is probably by some medicine side effects which I have just stopped. I hope the depression will go away but i feel its important know what is causing your depression by elimination method. It would suck if your natural biochemistry in your brain is causing this for whatever reason.

Watch homeless videos to know how much of a better state you are and think about people you care to move on, get busy doing stuff.
I'm currently feeling depressed as well, but the difference is is that I have no control over the situation that's causing me to feel this way. I have to wait and leave my future and my emotions up to others and it's so fucking hard to sleep and think about literally anything else when everything feels like it's falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to wait until I'm exhausted to sleep, I go over my friends' houses and sit there in silence just so I can hear people in the background and have something else to focus on. You can't wish depression away or use logic with it, but I have to say at least you're not stuck in your situation. You still have opportunities in your future for things to work out. And I think it's better to surround yourself with people who you don't need to fix. If you have no one else to fix but yourself, then I think you're more likely to heal. Of course if you don't feel like doing anything or even getting up for the day, then that's not going to happen. So I wish you luck in finding the things that make you want to get up every day.
Posted by Scenic

I'm currently feeling depressed as well, but the difference is is that I have no control over the situation that's causing me to feel this way. I have to wait and leave my future and my emotions up to others and it's so fucking hard to sleep and think about literally anything else when everything feels like it's falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to wait until I'm exhausted to sleep, I go over my friends' houses and sit there in silence just so I can hear people in the background and have something else to focus on. You can't wish depression away or use logic with it, but I have to say at least you're not stuck in your situation. You still have opportunities in your future for things to work out. And I think it's better to surround yourself with people who you don't need to fix. If you have no one else to fix but yourself, then I think you're more likely to heal. Of course if you don't feel like doing anything or even getting up for the day, then that's not going to happen. So I wish you luck in finding the things that make you want to get up every day.
Thing is a lot DOES have to do with what I’m not in control with. My mother’s health. Mine. People’s feelings. Mortality, mine and those I love. And aging. And my heart always feeling alone.
Posted by Scenic

I'm currently feeling depressed as well, but the difference is is that I have no control over the situation that's causing me to feel this way. I have to wait and leave my future and my emotions up to others and it's so fucking hard to sleep and think about literally anything else when everything feels like it's falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to wait until I'm exhausted to sleep, I go over my friends' houses and sit there in silence just so I can hear people in the background and have something else to focus on. You can't wish depression away or use logic with it, but I have to say at least you're not stuck in your situation. You still have opportunities in your future for things to work out. And I think it's better to surround yourself with people who you don't need to fix. If you have no one else to fix but yourself, then I think you're more likely to heal. Of course if you don't feel like doing anything or even getting up for the day, then that's not going to happen. So I wish you luck in finding the things that make you want to get up every day.
I’m really sorry you are struggling too tho Sad
Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by Scenic

I'm currently feeling depressed as well, but the difference is is that I have no control over the situation that's causing me to feel this way. I have to wait and leave my future and my emotions up to others and it's so fucking hard to sleep and think about literally anything else when everything feels like it's falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to wait until I'm exhausted to sleep, I go over my friends' houses and sit there in silence just so I can hear people in the background and have something else to focus on. You can't wish depression away or use logic with it, but I have to say at least you're not stuck in your situation. You still have opportunities in your future for things to work out. And I think it's better to surround yourself with people who you don't need to fix. If you have no one else to fix but yourself, then I think you're more likely to heal. Of course if you don't feel like doing anything or even getting up for the day, then that's not going to happen. So I wish you luck in finding the things that make you want to get up every day.
Thing is a lot DOES have to do with what I’m not in control with. My mother’s health. Mine. People’s feelings. Mortality, mine and those I love. And aging. And my heart always feeling alone.
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Mm, I meant more that you are in control of your own life. Except when depression controls your emotions. Unfortunately, there are some things that a person can't control no matter what - like age and other people. But, besides those things that no one is able to control, you appear to have the freedom to make your own choices. My fate is literally left up to other people right now. Not trying to make it in to a situation where its a 'my life is worse than yours', but maybe it will help you realize that you have something that others may not. Just like I may have something you don't - my life may not be ruined by the death of someone else where maybe to someone it, it would be. We're all hurting in different ways and to different degrees. It sucks. I hope you feel better one day.
Posted by WaterDevil

Posted by FireStarter

Living is always worth it. I'm sorry you feel this way. I think there's nothing wrong with two people who are having similar issues to rely on each other like a crutch. That can be healthy and beneficial. But you both should have other sources of support too. You may not be able to be there for your friend all the time, she needs to be able to get by on her own or with others help. And you need to make sure you're taking care of you just as much. Sounds like you have issues from your past that need addressing and processing.

It sounds cliche I know but it will get better, but you have to want it, you have to fight for it. Feel free to msg me OP if you want to talk about things.
Yeah she doesn’t want to talk to me. Or no what’s going on with me, if she did want to know she’d ask. I’m done divulging information to people who make it very clear they don’t care. But yeah I’m well aware of my passed and how it’s affecting my adulthood. That awareness is what caused my depression relapse.
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When you're opening up to someone it should always be someone you can trust. Your friend is going through a lot too. Her reactions may just be unstable but ofc it's completely fine to pull away or stop interacting if it's toxic to you. And I'm sorry it caused your relapse but understanding the issue, acknowledging it and facing it, is how you start the healing process.