Just Friends

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by Sempiternal on Thursday, June 30, 2011 and has 30 replies.
So cancer boys, how do you deal with a friendship (not FWB) with a girl that you are attracted to, but don't want a relationship with?
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Thank you. And your icon is adorable.
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Posted by thomas1214
as any other male see if i can get anything and after a while if not sort of stay friends and wait around for you to be the one making the moves.


I originally went on three dates with him and he said he didn't see it going anywhere as far as a relationship, but wanted to try a friendship. He apologized for the make out sessions.
I don't think I've ever tried being friends with someone I had dated or just went a few dates with, but I get along with him pretty well and would like to try a friendship.
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I didn't ask. He first gave me the whole line about being busy then told me he didn't see it becoming anything more than a friendship.
I told him I would be ok with that if he wanted to try a friendship and then basically said if not have a nice life (except in a nicer way...).
Apparently he enjoys hanging out with me and likes that I get his humor...and is at least physically attracted to me so... I don't know. Probably should have asked, but there is no point guessing at the reason.
I figure I'll see how the friendship thing goes. If it stays like that then oh well and if he wants to try dating sometime down the road (depending on what's going on with me) I'd probably be ok with that.
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@thomas1214 I'm not expecting anything more than a friendship from him now... if even that.
Besides if he was unwilling to try being friends, I wouldn't still be in contact with him.
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Touchy. I'm just saying I'm not sitting here hoping for something more than was offered.
I'm of the mindset that as long as one person isn't saying one thing and actually expecting something else, then there shouldn't be any drama. Then again, you could be right and there could end up being drama. Guess I'll find out for myself...if we ever hang out.
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Thank you for your input.
Hopefully it does go smoothly, but if doesn't...then oh well.
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Posted by wineaux
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So just hanging out...both parties pay their own way right? Or have the rules changed and I didn't get the memo...?
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Posted by caesarkreshen
Posted by Sempiternal
So cancer boys, how do you deal with a friendship (not FWB) with a girl that you are a'ttracted to, but don't want a relationship with?


Well, I don't think it's possible to be attracted to someone and not want a relationship with them...
Maybe it's you that doesn't want it? Or maybe he's not sure that you want it...?
I've always felt if a girl wanted to just be friends that she was kind of rejecting me in a subtle way.
-CK
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I had asked him if he was still interested in getting to know me, because it didn't seem like it (did let him know that I wanted to get to know him). He told me that he's busy and didn't know what he wanted. And after i told him that I wasn't looking to jump into something, he told me that he didnt feel the connection of a relationship.
Maybe I wasn't quite open enough with him...
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Oh lord Semi...Just move on already...You can't make him FEEL something he's not ready to feel, let's just be friends is the kiss of death to any and all possibilities of something more, he's being very honest with you but for some reason you can't or won't accept it, you're putting yourself in a very unattractive weak position by attempting to be his friend and silently hoping he'll change his mind once he see how great you are....
Do yourself a favor...Put some distance between the 2 of you and if you both happen to see one another again maybe just maybe he'll change his mind about you, I doubt it but there is a 50% chance that he could.
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I know that. And I never said anything about wanting to make him feel differently then he does.
My last post was a response to CK's. I have the tendency to close up if I like someone or if I'm uncertain about a situation. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm maybe too closed off...at the same time I don't to be totally open right away.
I'm more worried about this being more about him wanting to score, then actually wanting to try a friendship.
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What does you being closed off have to do with anything? He says I want to be friends and you're still talking about " I have the tendency to close up if I like someone or if I'm uncertain about a situation. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm maybe too closed off...at the same time I don't to be totally open right away." What is there to be uncertain and open about?
If you like him well you're wasting your time, he doesn't like you "at least not in that way" just accept it and move on to someone that likes you beyond friendship.
"I know that. And I never said anything about wanting to make him feel differently then he does."
Listen you don't have to say it...I been and many have been were you are, deep down you hope his feelings will change or why else would you ask him if he's still interested in you.
If you have romantic feelings for this guy and you proceed to hang around him, you'll only drive yourself nuts trying to interpret everything from one extreme to the next, look at how you're worried if he wants to sleep with you, you'll only end up reading something into every little detail and words you exchange with him.
"I'm more worried about this being more about him wanting to score, then actually wanting to try a friendship."
It doesn't matter what he wants to do, whatever his intentions it won't be from a romantic position...Don't be his friend and you won't have to worry about his intentions besides its really hard to be a guys friend when all you feel is heavy romantic feelings for the guy.
Stop kidding yourself...You want more than friendship or you wouldn't be here, you couldn't be his friend no matter how hard you tried b/c there is that deep desire to be more than that and as long as you have that feeling you'll only end up getting your feelings hurt.
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My comments on how I may not be open enough were an exapansion on my response to CK... and maybe me getting slightly off topic. Either way that has more to do with my MO for dating in general than just this instance. Basically, if it is something that I do, then it probably would be a good ideafor me to find a "happy median" so to speak. Anyway, off topic again.
Where in this thread am I asking if he is still interested? I'm stating the facts and asking how he would most likely act now that I am going down the friend route.
He's fun to hang out with, even if he's coming from a platonic postition rather than a romantic one, which is why I would like to be his friend. Typically, if the guy is no longer interested, I cut contact since either: a. I feel that I am too emotionally invested or b. I don't feel that he has anything to offer on a strictly friend basis. Considering I've only known this guy for two months and basically hung out with him four times in that time period, I have no idea how I could have developed "heavy romantic feelings" for him.
Maybe I would agree with you if I had been going on a date with him twice a week for three or four months or if I had slept with him, but neither of those things happened. Again, I don't see how someone can develop such intense feelings in such a short time.
I understand the point you are trying to make; however, I don't believe that I am as invested as you seem to think I am.
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"Where in this thread am I asking if he is still interested? I'm stating the facts and asking how he would most likely act now that I am going down the friend route."
And this is were I feel a tad confused...If he's a friend then why would you care how he would act unless you still have romantic feelings for him and hoping his feelings will change towards you. How do you act with all your friends? Wouldn't you know the difference between being a friend and him demonstrating romantic gestures?
"I understand the point you are trying to make; however, I don't believe that I am as invested as you seem to think I am"
You sure appear heavily invested despite your denying it...Maybe your in denial I dunno but you'll end up getting your feelings hurt if you feel romantic feelings for this guy and yet pretend to be friendly with him.
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If you notice I originally started this thread two weeks ago and had basically let it die until my post about who should pay.
I think I know how I react to things far better than you would.
With that being said I really don't feel like arguing with you any more. You've made your points and I've made mine. We don't agree, so let's just leave it at that.
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You being defensive says a lot....
I'm sure if you know how to react then you know who pays the tab among friends, after all he's just a friend not a lover.
Try being more honest about your true feelings which includes being more realistic about your issue only then maybe you won't feel the need to be so defensive.
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@ the OP,
haven't you been reading the Cancer forum? A Cancer can put you under a spell so... all the things you usually do or have done in the past with other guys is kinda moot.
I've been on both sides of this situation. I've told someone I've dated a few times that it's not gonna happen and lets remain friends. When I say that, I mean it. I will stay their friend if they are fun and good looking because I like fun people but mostly because a) I like the attention I get from them, b) I like looking at pretty things, c) I have a sex backup whenever I want... even if they won't really give it to me. Let's say I've had a few too many one night and I'm feeling flirty. I might bring up the topic, dangle the carrot, make them show their attraction or express their feelings to me.... see how far they'll let me take it... just for the emotional charge.
sad but true... (and i'm speaking past tense) *sheepish grin*
So if a part of you thinks he just wants you around for potential sex... you're probably right. Especially if you've spoken to him recently.
It's a full moon you know... Cancers are ultra illuminating right now Tongue
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Posted by Sempiternal
M
He's fun to hang out with, even if he's coming from a platonic postition rather than a romantic one, which is why I would like to be his friend. Typically, if the guy is no longer interested, I cut contact since either: a. I feel that I am too emotionally invested or b. I don't feel that he has anything to offer on a strictly friend basis. Considering I've only known this guy for two months and basically hung out with him four times in that time period, I have no idea how I could have developed "heavy romantic feelings" for him.




I, I, I, I, I......
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Posted by shellshocker
@ the OP,
haven't you been reading the Cancer forum? A Cancer can put you under a spell so... all the things you usually do or have done in the past with other guys is kinda moot.
I've been on both sides of this situation. I've told someone I've dated a few times that it's not gonna happen and lets remain friends. When I say that, I mean it. I will stay their friend if they are fun and good looking because I like fun people but mostly because a) I like the attention I get from them, b) I like looking at pretty things, c) I have a sex backup whenever I want... even if they won't really give it to me. Let's say I've had a few too many one night and I'm feeling flirty. I might bring up the topic, dangle the carrot, make them show their attraction or express their feelings to me.... see how far they'll let me take it... just for the emotional charge.
sad but true... (and i'm speaking past tense) *sheepish grin*
So if a part of you thinks he just wants you around for potential sex... you're probably right. Especially if you've spoken to him recently.
It's a full moon you know... Cancers are ultra illuminating right now Tongue




I have. Though there seems to be more posts from the girls and I originally wanted to hear a guy's point of view.
BTW thank you.
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Posted by cancerguy
Posted by Sempiternal
M
He's fun to hang out with, even if he's coming from a platonic postition rather than a romantic one, which is why I would like to be his friend. Typically, if the guy is no longer interested, I cut contact since either: a. I feel that I am too emotionally invested or b. I don't feel that he has anything to offer on a strictly friend basis. Considering I've only known this guy for two months and basically hung out with him four times in that time period, I have no idea how I could have developed "heavy romantic feelings" for him.




I, I, I, I, I......
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?
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The guys gave there point of views and they all pretty much are saying the same thing as the women...I don't really see much of a difference between the 2.
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Posted by Sempiternal
So cancer boys, how do you deal with a friendship (not FWB) with a girl that you are attracted to, but don't want a relationship with?



What do you mean how do we "deal"? How do you expect us to deal? What do YOU want out of it?
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Posted by Sempiternal
Posted by shellshocker
@ the OP,
haven't you been reading the Cancer forum? A Cancer can put you under a spell so... all the things you usually do or have done in the past with other guys is kinda moot.
I've been on both sides of this situation. I've told someone I've dated a few times that it's not gonna happen and lets remain friends. When I say that, I mean it. I will stay their friend if they are fun and good looking because I like fun people but mostly because a) I like the attention I get from them, b) I like looking at pretty things, c) I have a sex backup whenever I want... even if they won't really give it to me. Let's say I've had a few too many one night and I'm feeling flirty. I might bring up the topic, dangle the carrot, make them show their attraction or express their feelings to me.... see how far they'll let me take it... just for the emotional charge.
sad but true... (and i'm speaking past tense) *sheepish grin*
So if a part of you thinks he just wants you around for potential sex... you're probably right. Especially if you've spoken to him recently.
It's a full moon you know... Cancers are ultra illuminating right now Tongue




I have. Though there seems to be more posts from the girls and I originally wanted to hear a guy's point of view.
BTW thank you.
click to expand


Typical... you're going to toss out a Cancer experience because it's not coming from a guy. Believe me a Cancer male will not be as straight up with the truth but whatever... you're looking for a specific response.
I think this is more about your Leo pride not believing that this guy may not want you. Maybe he does physically but is that enough for you?
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Posted by shellshocker
Posted by Sempiternal
Posted by shellshocker
@ the OP,
haven't you been reading the Cancer forum? A Cancer can put you under a spell so... all the things you usually do or have done in the past with other guys is kinda moot.
I've been on both sides of this situation. I've told someone I've dated a few times that it's not gonna happen and lets remain friends. When I say that, I mean it. I will stay their friend if they are fun and good looking because I like fun people but mostly because a) I like the attention I get from them, b) I like looking at pretty things, c) I have a sex backup whenever I want... even if they won't really give it to me. Let's say I've had a few too many one night and I'm feeling flirty. I might bring up the topic, dangle the carrot, make them show their attraction or express their feelings to me.... see how far they'll let me take it... just for the emotional charge.
sad but true... (and i'm speaking past tense) *sheepish grin*
So if a part of you thinks he just wants you around for potential sex... you're probably right. Especially if you've spoken to him recently.
It's a full moon you know... Cancers are ultra illuminating right now Tongue




I have. Though there seems to be more posts from the girls and I originally wanted to hear a guy's point of view.
BTW thank you.


Typical... you're going to toss out a Cancer experience because it's not coming from a guy. Believe me a Cancer male will not be as straight up with the truth but whatever... you're looking for a specific response.
I think this is more about your Leo pride not believing that this guy may not want you. Maybe he does physically but is that enough for you?
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*blushes* Truthfully...I thought you were a guy, don't know why. I'm sorry!
I don't want something strictly physical. Not to say I wouldn't mind it, but I just don't want a little fling. At least not right now. So I'm fine with being a friend. If it ends up he's keeping me around for a "just in case" late night booty call, then I don't want anything.
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Damn this phone. I really need internet so I can use my computer.
@CK Thank you.
@cancerguy I guess do you really want a frienship or are you hoping it'll turn into a booty call? Truthfully, you can ignore my original post. I was just wondering what you meant by "I, I, I, I, I......"
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*blushes* Truthfully...I thought you were a guy, don't know why. I'm sorry!

^^ I know, right!! i get this so much it just kills me... funny thing is, i am soooo girly looking.
DXP really brings out my inner masculine self-righteous asshole. i don't know why, either

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Posted by shellshocker




^^ I know, right!! i get this so much it just kills me... funny thing is, i am soooo girly looking.
DXP really brings out my inner masculine self-righteous asshole. i don't know why, either


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Maybe you should display your gender. Lol. Oh my, I feel bad.
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Posted by Sempiternal
Posted by shellshocker




^^ I know, right!! i get this so much it just kills me... funny thing is, i am soooo girly looking.
DXP really brings out my inner masculine self-righteous asshole. i don't know why, either




Maybe you should display your gender. Lol. Oh my, I feel bad.

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don't feel bad, i like confusing people... cancer thing Tongue
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I'm sure you have fun messing with the new people. Sounds like fun.
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