Maybe it is my fault

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by Summer on Wednesday, August 15, 2007 and has 38 replies.
Hello, I'm posting this because I want to know people's opinion if what I did yesterday was my fault? I know i'm always ranting about my cancer boyfriend but yesterday I went to the laundromat to wash his uniforms for him because he didn't have anymore to wear and I feel bad because his mom went on vacation and he couldn't do it because he has nothing to wear the next day, he didn't realized it til the night before so I told him ill do it. I was ok with it eventhough I had work, I did it anywayz. I came straight from work to do it. He called me on my cell and said if i'm almost done because he is on the bus on his way home and that he'll meet me there (he commutes to go to work cuz he work in the city) so anywayz, when he got there i gave him the biggest hug, happy to see him. While I was folding his clothes, He "joke" around and said i've had enough of your crap today? I'm like what>??? i didn't even know he was joking. Whether he is joking or not? why say something soooo stupid? He knows I'm exhausted from work but still went out of my way to do things for him and that's what I get from him? We had the hugest fight because I was giving him silent treatment. So i exploded and told him he doesn't appreciate anything. He said I was just joking why cant you take a joke. Whatever I didn't like his joke. Maybe i shouldn't expect anything from him... I expected for him to be like 'thanks babe for doing this' because he used to be like that. I don't know maybe I expect too much from him. He said I expect something in return when I do things for him??????? like what? I do things for him because I want to and I'm trying to help him out but maybe a little bit of appreciation from his part but NO what I get from him is stupid comment like that.
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Is it your fault that you were being a kind and generous girlfriend?
Yes.
Is it your fault that you had a fight over his inability to appreciate what you did for him?
No.
I used to be the same way with a Cancer guy. Did what I could just to be nice(help him with laundry & grocery shopping, help him with cleaning his apt., etc.). Initially he would thank me and say, "wow, nobody ever did that for me before." Eventually he didn't appreciate it either. After we broke up he had the nerve to ask me to continue doing things for him. Selfish *ssh0le!
I found with him(maybe not ALL Cancer guys) - the worse I was with him, the more he wanted me, would follow me around, and be nice to me. The more generous and thoughtful I was, the more he took me for granted and *expected* that from me like I was his mother. Whatever.
Good luck to you Summer. smile
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your help seems suspect, be honest about it, you do expect something from him be it appreciation, hug, kisses, laughter well to me that's expectation, so really evaluate why you do what you do, he should be able to be whatever and whomever he chooses be it upset, agitated, happy, sad...if thats who he is and how he feels that day, your kindness shouldn't dictate how he's feeling, do it because you expect nothing in return and its a joy for you no matter what a person says or does.
Summer your sending out some mixed signals for sure, you definitely seem sweet but it seems your asking this man for more than he's willing to give you right now, relax and be yourself, if you think being mean to him from time to time is wrong well it's not, everyone has good and bad days, your human so let those pent up emotions out, find an outlet be it exercise or a hobbie you enjoy.
you seem to have that if i can be nice to this guy he will love me more, if i do this or that he will see how great i am mindset. Well you are great! Know it and own it, if he can't see it then he's not for you, you think the kinder you are he will give more or love more but NO, you see the affects of your giving, he's taking you for granted, not on purpose, it's just that a woman that gives too much is sending out a HUGE message that she doesn't think she's good enough, she's desperate for love and affection and will give her soul to get it, stop this honey, your better than that.
Stop doing things that you think will please him, he's a grown ass man, he can wash his own clothes, pay his own bills, and feed himself, your not his mother and your job isn't to make life easy for him, he doesn't want this from you but he will take it if you give it, men are bred to work and work hard to earn their keep in life, if your making life easy then he's going to resent you, when you do things to make things easy your saying well I don't think your competent or strong enough to do it for yourself so let me do it and he secretly resents that.
these are subtle messages, a lot of women don't even know they are doing this when they behave this way, your building resentment towards him b/c he's not giving you what you expect back, stop this cycle, don't do anything for him unless he ask for your help and assistance, now that you see he's taking you for granted ease up on all that and relax..your going to go into an emotional deficit. Focus on fulfilling your own needs
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Oh please.
It is NOT expecting too much to do something nice for someone and NOT have them act like an *ssh0le and say something smart or sarcastic in return.
I find HUUUUUUUUGE double standards when it comes to Cancers. They want you to walk around on eggshells FOR THEM. Do things FOR THEM. Forgive and cater FOR THEM. But, you can't expect ANYTHING in return - not even respect. Pfft.
If the shoe were on the other foot and it were a Cancer in here whining about how much they did for someone (which they tend to do on a regular basis while acting like it's totally selfless), then you'd be saying they should find someone worthy of their love and generosity and the guy is a schmuck. Tongue
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wow leo/virgo talk about the pot calling the kettle black..a pseudo virgo whining about double standards..but that is the beauty of a virgo they are so perfect they can't see their own..lol
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Why would his behavior be your fault? My philosophy with my Cancer guy when he gets to actin up is "he's a grown man, he knows what it takes to make a relationship work, if he wants it to work that's what he'll do".
I think you might be like my sister. I dont see how his joking lead you to go off on him....except that you were holding how you really felt about him inside and his joke gave you an opportunity to express that, when in actuality it should have been expressed when you first thought that he was taking you for granted...or maybe you aren't even really upset that he's taking you for granted, maybe its something else and you just saw that at that moment he seemed to be taking you for granted so you started your rant with unappreciation. If he was taking you for granted this one time I don't think that's a reason to go off, just tell him you'd like him to show some appreciation. If he was taking you for granted before then I don't see why you went out of your way to do something else for him before he acknowlegded the things you have already done.
I've learned (in my short experience) that Cancer's are slow to respond to something you do for them, but it seems like they come around to letting you know how they feel about it, so you shouldn't do something and hold them accountable for a reaction they didnt commit to. Like just because you call and leave him a message doesn't mean in his mind he should call immediately unless that's what you both have established together, in his mind its ok to call when he wants to talk with you. Everyone should be appreciated, so just let him know that you would love for him to show appreciation for the things you do for him and trust him to do it...if a reasonable amount of time passes and he doesn't or he acts like he's entitled...leave him alone, he's really just unappreciative. It's said that Cancer's remember everything done for or against them so I dont see it being that he would have forgotten what you did. Good luck
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Leo/Virgo you have a great point! I agree with you totally...
I'm simply saying do things because thats a representation of who you are period, don't do things to get something back in return...expecations are a downer, no one has to be who we want them to be because a nice thing has occurred, yeah it sucks when a person doesn't give a hi five, smile, hug, kiss, thank you but it shouldn't be mandatory either. People should be able to be themselves in a relationship and not have to be what we expect them to be.
Cancer men are very complex that's for sure, Summer has been neglected by this guy even before she washed his clothes, she know how this guy is... her expectations are causing her pain because he's simply not measuring up to what she feels she needs from him at this time. The fact that she yelled at him shows she's holding back from revealing her true feelings, it seems she needs to sit down, be honest about what she needs from him, see if he can fulfill her needs or move on to someone that will give her what she feels she deserves.
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I know for myself, there have been times where I was in a bad mood and went off on my husband .. even when he was being sweet and doing me a favor.
It's possible that his bad mood had nothing to do with you doing him a favor .. to love someone means there has to be understanding that your partner is going to be upset or irritated from time to time and though it doesn't have anything to do with you .. you are the partner and to you this irritation is vented because to you is where your partner feels safe to be human without judgement.
Because you were doing him a favor .. it's possible that you took his mood as a slight during a time he should be thankful. I agree with Tiki here .. you were expecting appreciation and he was in a bad mood, so you thought he wasn't appreciating what you do for him.
He's human, just as you are .. and I'd be willing to wager that there have been times where he was being sweet to you, while you were in a bitchy mood.
If we expect another to understand our mood swings .. then we have to understand thiers and not take offense because of our own expectations.
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Summer
I have been in a relationship for 11 years with my man. I don't wash his clothes, I don't buy him clothes, I don't kiss his ass or expect him to do no more than pay bills to keep our house running.
You cannot be too nice with a Cancer man or ANY man for that matter. I am glad you are posting on here for some of the other Leo women to read how this man appreciates the nice "things" done for him. Is it your fault? Yes, to a certain degree, it is your fault. I agree with Tikki...You are expecting him to give you something in return for your acts of kindness instead of just doing for him out of the goodness of your heart.
If you asked him to wash your clothes at the last minute, do you think that he would go out of his way to do this for you? Truthfully. I know how you feel sweetheart. I used to go out of my way and turn the world upside down and backwards for my man (Virgo) when I was younger and thought I was in love. I would give him the last dime I had in my pocket just to please him. Guess what? He left me for a woman who could not do 1/4 of the things that I could do for him. She could not even cook him dinner. I spent years wondering where did I go wrong? What did I do? Why? All he left me stuck with was two kids and in debt from trying to please him. He held so much resentment in him and all I tried to do was love him.
He is a grown ass man let him do his own laundry. If I were you, I would not even care if he was upset. I would ask him why in the hell are you so dependant upon me. Tell him you want a man who can do for himself and not wait until he is down to his last blanking(F--) uniform to realize he does not have any work clothes for the next day. If you quit setting yourself up like that, he will become dependant and do what he needs to do for self.
Now I know why all of us women are having problems with these Cancer men, they are so spoiled by women who try so hard to please them it is pathetic. You continue to post honey! My suggestion is just start saying a simply word such as "NO".
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ok i wasnt there and i didnt see it go down but that sounds something like i could do too
but if itwas supposed to be a joke I would doit in the way that you KNEW its a joke and only a joke
i used t do crap like this withmy sagit ex all the time,
if you were doing my laundry i would say ,
"im sick of your crap not doing anything for me ever ...you wont even do my laundry for me"
lol and i would give you the bigest hug and kiss at the same time and ask you where is my damn dinner, lol"" with a big smile onall the time

man we used to have a such a great laugh on shit like that becuase its so OFF the wall you know i couuldnt possibly be serious
its all about the delivery, maybe your mans sens of humor and timing need little work or maybe he is just an ass or maybe you were expecting some gratitude and recognition and he said something totaly different than what you wanted to hear and you went off on him...dont know I werent there
but if it was a joke im sure the delivery sucked thats why you feel like you feel
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Summer
It sounds like you give him too much and then you start to feel resentful because you give and give and give and he just takes.
I wouldn't say that it is your fault, you probably do not realize what happens when you put out a giving energy into the universe. The universe always wants you to be happy. When you send a signal into the universe that giving to others is what's important to you.., the universe will always place you in situations where you are on the giving end.
So if you want to others to give to you, you have to start giving to yourself. Buy yourself roses, relax when you're tired, your body lets you know what it needs... treat yourself well and then you'll start to receive from him.
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You have a good point, CAA .. if he said this teasingly, then no harm is done. I do this too, with my husband. He'll be carrying something really heavy for me and I'll say something about how he never helps me out around the house and makes me do all the hard work ..
.. It's just a joke.
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Hello everyone,
I did him a favor because he asked me to and I want to be nice to him because I want to be a good example to him so maybe he'd follow and everything will start from there. I guess that's not working, he'd still push my buttons to get me off so i'd get mad. Anywayz, as far as if he was teasing or joking. I've explained it to him that sometimes people aren't in a mood for jokes. He tells me that I'm never in a mood for jokes. I think that his timing is wrong all the time. I just don't find his jokes funny sometimes, they're more annoying jokes. ALso, i must admit that I do expect for an appreciation from him that day and I don't think that is asking him too much and that is only normal to expect that. I'm really not the type of person who goes out of my way to do something for someone unless I really like you. I really do things for him because I just can't help myself and I feel like doing it for him. I don't expect him to do it for me all I wanted(i also told him this)was a little appreciation because that is only normal and nice things to do for people you care about.
>>its all about the delivery, maybe your mans sens of humor and timing need little work or maybe he is just an ass or maybe you were expecting some gratitude and recognition and he said something totaly different than what you wanted to hear and you went off on him...dont know I werent there
but if it was a joke im sure the delivery sucked thats why you feel like you feel
--yes, I totally agree with you, atleast you understand why that got me upset but he doesn't even realize this. I feel like with all the joking that he does, he's not taking me seriously. I never know when he is joking or not.

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I'm simply saying do things because thats a representation of who you are period, don't do things to get something back in return...expecations are a downer, no one has to be who we want them to be because a nice thing has occurred, yeah it sucks when a person doesn't give a hi five, smile, hug, kiss, thank you but it shouldn't be mandatory either. People should be able to be themselves in a relationship and not have to be what we expect them to be.
Cancer men are very complex that's for sure, Summer has been neglected by this guy even before she washed his clothes, she know how this guy is... her expectations are causing her pain because he's simply not measuring up to what she feels she needs from him at this time. The fact that she yelled at him shows she's holding back from revealing her true feelings, it seems she needs to sit down, be honest about what she needs from him, see if he can fulfill her needs or move on to someone that will give her what she feels she deserves.
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I think you were over-reacting. Not to his [perceived] lack of appreciation, but to his joking. I would not have taken him seriously - I would have realised he was joking because I have the same kind of sense of humor.
You two have obvious communication issues.
I've said this to you before but - i don't think this relationship is right for you. You seem very unhappy.
I know that you love him, but you don't have to be in a relationship if it isn't right for you just BECAUSE you love him.
I love my ex - I wanted to marry him - and I will always love him, but I know he will NEVER be faithful so when he tries to call me I won't talk to him.
I think you're trying too hard to force something that just isn't right for either of you.
Making a joke does not equate to not appreciating you.
You need to think about whether this is really what you want.
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Your ex's unfaithfulness and my boyfriend's bad sense of humor are totally different. Your situation before is something I would not tolerate and I wouldn't even try to make things work with that. xangel, I do know what I want that's why I'm still trying. Maybe any other day I wouldn't have taken him seriously with that joke.
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of course the joking and the cheating are different - I was just pointing out that even though you love someone doesn't mean you can tolerate a relationship with them.
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and he doesn't have a "bad" sense of humor - he just has one that irritates you - that's part of the point I was making....
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Summer - I'm not trying to say you are a bad person - I hope you're not taking it that way. I'm just saying it doesn't sound like this guy is right for you - it's not even a "he said/she said" matter. It's a simple matter of you sounding extremely unhappy....
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oh yes moon - but god forbid you guys come across someone who DOES understand you...... you flee faster than anything.....
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No i don't take offense, i do appreciate everyone's input. I'm a leo by the way moon. He just came over to see me, i like when he does something like that unexpected. I didn't think he was going to stop by but he did to hang out for a little bit. I didn't feel like seeing him today so i didn't see him today cuz I needed a break but he just wont let it happen.lol but I love being around him. I do seem unhappy when I talk about problems with him on here ofcourse because I'm upset when I do but trust me i'm not always like this.
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"The only thing I feel is that he is so negative with our relationship and as much as I want to keep it warm and positive he just expects the worse and he is so defensive. and then.. he jokes around and he makes it worse."

And yet, he responds to you with a positive humorous gesture .. you become negative and say it isn't good enough because you don't like the way he jokes (him being himself) .. and say he's in the wrong.
What a bitch !!!! Hopefully, he'll realize this soon and move on to someone who actually gives a damn about him, rather than just doing stuff for him for the sole purpose of geting herself the praise.
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"I want to be nice to him because I want to be a good example to him so maybe he'd follow and everything will start from there."
What does this mean, exactly? That the only reason you want to be nice to him is for you to gain the lead? To be in charge of how he is suppose to be? A good example? Attempting to control is a good example to set?

"I guess that's not working, he'd still push my buttons to get me off so i'd get mad."
No, I guess it's not working, is it? Perhaps doing things for him for the sole purpose of actually being nice might work wonders.
Has the thought crossed your mind, yet, that maybe he pushes your buttons when you do this for the sole purpose of expressing to you that he won't be controlled? And IF you're not going to do something for him out of the kindness of your heart .. then he's going to defy the insinceriety?
Perhaps, you should follow his lead.
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I didnt think I would ever say this P, but I agree with you on your last set of commentary. Like I said before a Cancer isnt going to commit himself to the reaction you want for your action unless he has already agreed to do that. I had to learn, thankfully not the hard way, that nothing I did was going to be reciprocated just because I did it. This helped me learn the TRUE value of loving and giving to and for someone else. I learned that I had to tell him what I wanted and needed then trust that he would do the things he SAID he would the things he initiated and I had to decide if the things he wouldnt do were important enough to accept that he wouldnt do them or rather what he would do in his own time. Examples are that just because I called doesn't mean I was getting a return call unless he said he was going to call me back or until he wanted to talk, just because I texted him didnt mean I was getting a text in return unless he said he was going to text me back or he wanted to talk...and no he isnt a bad person for this, he is just accountable for what he said he would do and he won't be controlled or manipulated into doing something he doesnt want to. I call him to hear his voice and most of the time I was texting him while he was at work to let him know I was thinking about him...I was doing 1 for me and 1 for him but neither made him accountable to return anything except appreciation..which doesn't have a time limit. He's very accountable for the things he commits to doing, but he's beyond strong willed and stubborn about the assumation or demand that he must mimic my behavior in the relationship to make me happy. Thus, he knows what to do to make a relationship work and if that's what he wants to happen that is what he'll do.
If you can't get with his sense of humor I dont know what to tell you...
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Very wise words, leokitten smile
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Yeah,
I agree! If you are putting in all the work and your Cancer man is giving little or nothing in return, the relationship has failed and you will be better off doing this for yourself. You should be the center of your own universe.
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"i think as a general rule, when one person is expending all the effort in a relationship...the relationship has in essence failed."
- i agree with this 100% ...
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a relationship is all about compromise ...and it should be a 50/50 deal. when you are in a relationship you are part of a team. once you lose that, and one person ends up putting in more and more, and then the resentment builds up, and eventually the relationship fails.
and SUMMER, the more effort you keep putting into the relationship at this point...the more you are setting yourself up for disaster. i know because i was once at the same point that you are at now. the more you push, the more he will pull away and it WILL get ugly!!!
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"What does this mean, exactly? That the only reason you want to be nice to him is for you to gain the lead? To be in charge of how he is suppose to be? A good example? Attempting to control is a good example to set?"
I wasn't trying to be controlling at all, i think you miss interpret what I meant. All i wanted to do was be more helpful/caring to him and maybe from there we could stop the arguments and rekindle our relationship. That is all I was trying to say. We have been aruging over stupid things and I don't want it to be constant in our relationship.
"And yet, he responds to you with a positive humorous gesture .. you become negative and say it isn't good enough because you don't like the way he jokes (him being himself) .. and say he's in the wrong."
The way he comes at me with his jokes sometimes is off that's why it get me mad sometimes.
"What a cookiemonster !!!! Hopefully, he'll realize this soon and move on to someone who actually gives a damn about him, rather than just doing stuff for him for the sole purpose of geting herself the praise"
i do care about him and i DONT do things for him just to be praised. I just wanted to be appreciated by him, i want him to let me know sometimes that he appreciates because sometimes it'll be nice for him to say something but he just doesn't really say anything.
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What in yalls idea is ALL the effort in a relationship?
I think that in any relationship there will be times where one member is called to support the other whether emotionally, physically, or financially during a time where the other member might be needing of this support and therefore unable to provide it to the other member at that particular moment.I think more than saying "he gives what I give and I take what he takes" I think its more useful to be able to say "what I needed was provided". Give what you desire to give from your heart and what you know he asks for and tell him what it is you want do that he can do the same. Both people should be 100/100 in a relationship, that way the realtionship is at 100. If both people are at 50 between the 2 of them there is only 50.
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Yeah,
Summer, I feel he is taking you for granted. You can be nice and it is nothing wrong with being nice to him. Just don't overdo it with showing him your nice acts of kindness. Your Cancer man understands you want appreciation, there is no doubt in his mind but sometimes you have to put yourself first in the relationship. You are good to him but he is taking you for granted and sometimes being to nice is just not going to do it. When you do nice things for him, in a sense it is striking off as being controlling and insecure because you are looking for a certain outcome from him in regards to rekindling your relationship.
If you don't want to leave him, just do more things that focus on you! In the process of doing things you enjoy for yourself, you will find your priorities out way his constant need of being dependant upon you.
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Hello everyone,
Thanks for the advices, I guess i'm so caught up and trying so hard to make everything better that i didn't realize that I can't makes things better if I'm the only one trying and I'm just getting exhausted. I'm just going to ease up on things and just relax and stop worrying about what's bad in my relationship. I guess i'll be more patient and distance myself from him a little bit and not show i care so much.
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lol, Summer
"trying so hard to make everything better"
"stop worrying about what's bad in my relationship"
"and not show i care so much"

Love doesn't make happiness, many people are completely unhappy, yet in love ... however, when happy, we want to love.
You sound like a martyr to me and I find that unattractive with any person. You know he's unappreciative, you say he doesn't take you seriously .. yet, you rush over, when you're exhausted, to do his laundry because Mommy isn't home ... and then woe is me when he isn't appreciating what you do.
You know ... he's NOT hurting you, Summer, nor is he treating you badly in any way .... YOU are doing it to yourself because you know he is this way, yet, you CHOOSE to endure when you don't have to.
Only you can control your destiny, only you can decide what is supposed to make you feel good or bad ... this is a trait in Cancer's that drives me nuts .. here I see it in Leo now (I think you're a Leo). Why would a person put the responsibility of their precious feelings upon another person to decide whether we are loving and caring enough?
Don't you believe you are loving and caring enough for yourself? If so, then why are you sitting back crying about how he is showing you that you are not?
I don't get it .. a Pisces would never do that. Maybe that's why I'm not understanding this.

I love, I care ... if you don't recieve it sincerely .. I swim
Fuck you .. I ain't sitting around trying to win it ... WIN it? You think I'm gonna do you, or your laundry if you're not respecting me back .. fuck you !!!!
And I just don't get this with other people .. if he's that goddam bad about his treatment of you .. WHAT THE HELL ARE DOING HIS LAUNDRY FOR? I guess I just don't measure pride and integrity the same way as otherins .. if my partner is disrepecting me, I put my frigging foot down and cut right to the core of the matter ... I don't wash his clothes and whine about him not respecting .. um, I know that ahead of time ... just as you knew it ahead of time.
He didn't appreciate you, so what? Are you SURPRISED?
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Summer, I fully realize that my speech is aggressive .. however, that doesn't make what I'm saying to you false.

If when you think about your relationship, the only thing that comes to mind is "bad" .. then do yourself a favor, and get the hell out.
Can't you see? You are your own enemy here .. if you allow someone to treat you like shit, then that's what you are. If you're not shit, then don't be.
It's that simple ... swim.
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I'm just going to ease up on things and just relax and stop worrying about what's bad in my relationship. I guess i'll be more patient and distance myself from him a little bit and not show i care so much.
I think you have made a wise decision. You don't have to leave your man but to get more self respect for yourself, do things that make you happy and then find time for him.
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lol P i agree with what you're saying, but dang you sure give it to em without a coat of sugar first huh. I hope that your advice wont be attacked for the way it was delievered
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Leokitten...you are dating a cancer now??? interesting!!! how is that going? sounds like it's pretty good! better than the aqua situation, huh?
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"my cancer sent me a HUGE bouquet of flowers at work today in anticipation of my bday tomorrow....which he has me a day of pampering followed by dinner out at this great place i have not been to yet."

Awwww .. how sweet smilesmile Sounds like you found a good man !!!
Happy Early Birthday, leokitten smile
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