My Introverted Cancer
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by SweetestFatale on Tuesday, January 15, 2008 and has 24 replies.
My cancer love is an introvert. While I always suspected this I also coupled it with the speculation that he was just a big meanie ignoring me. Well he came out and told me he is an introvert and recently he's just been so frustrated because he hasnt even had time for himself. And at first I took it to meant he wants to be alone, but then he went into how he feels he can open with me and tell me things he doesnt usually tell people and that he does want us to become progressively closer. Now dont get me wrong I accept him the way he is and I wouldnt want to change him, Im not asking for tips on how to get him to change or looking for anyone to tell me whats wrong with him. Mostly because Im a bit introverted too....except on a scale from 1 to 10 with him being an 8 introvert Im maybe a 3 or 4. Im not real big into groups and going out but Im also really comfy with letting HIM into my own little intimate world. Im still having to press myself to be really really patient and give him time to let me in his, because he has said he will let me in...he just needs the time and patience. So I need some help from his fellow introvert Crabbies and my fellow introvert Crabby Lovers. I guess I dont have a simple direct question just tips and examples or sharing experiences will work.
Hey, I am not a crabby but I am very introverted and I bet it comes from his Leo moon. Introverted means he thinks within. He doesn't really require alot of times with others to make him feel secure. He would rather to work and be very independent and comfortable with himself before he opens up to let you in to his world. He thinks from within. He uses his intelligence to "think" before he takes action. He can work up to three jobs and feel comfortable with himself. It doesn't mean that he is ignoring you. It has nothing to do with ignoring you. It's kind of hard to explain. It's like you want his time and he wants his independence and freedom to be himself without including too many people in his world. He wants you to understand that he is here in his heart but his mind is off doing what he loves to do the most. If you can understand the freedom of not feeling "trapped", then you can understand him.
I had alot of problems in my last relationship where I went to school fulltime and work two full time jobs. The problem was my man wanted me to spend more time with him. If I spent more time with him, I felt like he was trying to trapped me, lock me up in a cage and he was trying to take my freedom and independence away. That is sort of what I am trying to say about being introverted.
I had alot of problems in my last relationship where I went to school fulltime and work two full time jobs. The problem was my man wanted me to spend more time with him. If I spent more time with him, I felt like he was trying to trapped me, lock me up in a cage and he was trying to take my freedom and independence away. That is sort of what I am trying to say about being introverted.
Thank you Krobe. I was pretty much morose when I read different articles that told me how much he NEEDS the alone time and that it wasnt a matter of him not wanting to be with me. I felt like I had been pushing and pulling when all he needed me to do was leave him alone lol. I know one solution is that when he does spend time with me, make it calm silent time so that he can regenerate and think even when we are together. I definitely dont want him to feel like I'm trying to trap him, at the same time if I act like I dont want him around he acts like I've said I dont want him around. Which is hard for me because that's played out in a scenario in which I have to be there for him even when he wants to be alone...which leaves me alone and wanting him for the sake of him getting his alone time yet still feeling wanted. And yes, I realize that is balanced by his compromising to come out and let me know I am wanted even when he wants alone time. I know I'm learning from and I do want to be with him so it really isnt a complaint, its just something different and frustrating that Im trying to learn to deal with.
I really wouldn't call it alone time. It is not like he "wants" to be alone, it's by nature he wants freedom and independence and time to "think". He can feel you in his heart but he doesn't require spending alot of time with you in order to love you. I know it doesn't make sense to you because you want him to be there with you alot. However, the more time he spends with you esp if you are making demands, the more he will feel like you are trying to "trap" him by taking away his freedom from him.
I know how you feel too but I don't know it is something about feeling trapped that makes him distance himself from you because deep down inside the more he longs for you, the more he will love you. I know with me, I can love you as long as I am away from you but as soon as I start giving you more time, I feel like you are trying to "trap" me so I will go in the opposite direction. It is hard to explain I would say just don't take it personal. It has nothing to do with you it is how how introverts feel "inside", they don't need alot of approval or validation because they seek happiness from within instead of outside of them. It is a nature thing.
I know how you feel too but I don't know it is something about feeling trapped that makes him distance himself from you because deep down inside the more he longs for you, the more he will love you. I know with me, I can love you as long as I am away from you but as soon as I start giving you more time, I feel like you are trying to "trap" me so I will go in the opposite direction. It is hard to explain I would say just don't take it personal. It has nothing to do with you it is how how introverts feel "inside", they don't need alot of approval or validation because they seek happiness from within instead of outside of them. It is a nature thing.
I dont know if its him seeking validation inside, I think its just a matter of him recuperating and getting everything together and worked out, which for him takes reclusive peace and quiet. I think that if he didnt need the validation then he wouldnt make such a big deal when I act nonchalant about his coming and going. The challenge for me is finding a balance between letting him have that personal time while still letting him know that I want him around me and dealing with him being away without having to tell myself I dont care that he is away. Im young and a bit inexperienced in this matter, still quite new myself at giving someone else something they need without the direct trade of getting what I need and learning to make things work because you want them to instead of just walking away in search of something seemingly more ready made. How could someone you're in a relationship with to let you know that they really want to spend time with you without making you feel trapped?
How could someone you're in a relationship with to let you know that they really want to spend time with you without making you feel trapped?
Let him come around on his own terms. That way he won't feel like you are making him feel trapped. We need more stable secure people to be around anyways, simply because we are full of excitement ourselves. I would personally let him get his attention "outside" of you. Believe it or not you will keep him longer because the less attention that he recieves from YOU the more he will want it. We give our attention to people we feel worthy of it. He is a Cancer so Cancers need approval and validation that is why he complains about it. However, if he is more introverted, he kind of loves with intellect instead of feelings. He has to "think" about you so you will not feel the love that you need because it is not based with feelings. Again, he is a Cancer so he does have feelings but he "thinks" more than he feels if that makes any sense. You will not make him feel trapped if you just let him have his freedom, don't complain and let him come to you on his terms.
Once he realizes that he can confide in you like that, he will give you more time in time.
Let him come around on his own terms. That way he won't feel like you are making him feel trapped. We need more stable secure people to be around anyways, simply because we are full of excitement ourselves. I would personally let him get his attention "outside" of you. Believe it or not you will keep him longer because the less attention that he recieves from YOU the more he will want it. We give our attention to people we feel worthy of it. He is a Cancer so Cancers need approval and validation that is why he complains about it. However, if he is more introverted, he kind of loves with intellect instead of feelings. He has to "think" about you so you will not feel the love that you need because it is not based with feelings. Again, he is a Cancer so he does have feelings but he "thinks" more than he feels if that makes any sense. You will not make him feel trapped if you just let him have his freedom, don't complain and let him come to you on his terms.
Once he realizes that he can confide in you like that, he will give you more time in time.
Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.
Well, I guess I do like being alone then LOL! I really didn't think of it as being alone, just having my own inpendence, freedom and time to think about me and my world without including everyone else. I guess I am in denial about being alone because I do hybernate alone alot, however, it is not because I don't want to be bother, it is just because I like being in my own world.
Well, I guess I do like being alone then LOL! I really didn't think of it as being alone, just having my own inpendence, freedom and time to think about me and my world without including everyone else. I guess I am in denial about being alone because I do hybernate alone alot, however, it is not because I don't want to be bother, it is just because I like being in my own world.
Yeah, I agree one person opinion, I get drained around everyone I know and I really don't go out to parties alot. I like reading books and working a few jobs. I really don't like being bothered once I get home, I am home.
Krobe....your posts to SF was simply eloquent. I enjoyed each word...thanks
Personally, I am a bonafide introvert. If I'm ever in a position where I haven't had my "me time", I miss it terribly and usually become a little irritated. Krobe was exactly right, I do need that time to myself to energize. I can't explain it but it's absolutely necessary for me. It has nothing to do with anyone else, it's just something that I need to do. I am the most comfortable in my own company, it's where you can relax and be yourself. I've always said, I would marry the man who I could forget he was there. That may seem a little harsh, but to me it means that I can be with someone and I am that comfortable with them. I lived with my ex for 5 years (another scorp) and he was he same way, whenever, I sensed he needed his space and vice versa we'd leave each other alone, no hard feelings whatsoever. However, it's kinda like the Sex and the City episode when Aiden moves in with Carrie and she asks him not to speak to her when she first walks in the door he agrees and then minutes later she out talking to him. Once you realize that the other person understands your need for space and you're really comfortable with them, you start not to need your "space" from them as much. You can recharge in their presence, however, that only happens when you're truly comfortable with that person and the relationship. I'm not talking about when there's an argument and the person needs space to think. I'm talking about when everything is going smoothly and the person just wants some "me time".
Krobe I'm curious about the Cancer men you know.This guy is very emotional and he doesnt have a problem with showing them. I dont think he needs the time away from me to realize he likes me and I dont think he is in love with the thought of me as much as he is the experience of me, so the thought of me would seem to do little more than give him a desire to return to the experience. It seems like he has more of an issue trusting my emotions because Im not really putting them out there in a consistent sure way. And I think I am justified in that I've never been with someone like him before, but I am certainly trying to figure it out and learn to be flexible to what he is teaching me...which is why Im asking how to love an introvert that needs assertive displays of interest.
It doesnt seem like yall really feel what Im asking so let me try again. How do I prove useful to his existence without becoming a burden? No he hasn't said I was, and he even said I wasn't selfish, he understands where I am coming from and the things I ask of him arent out of line...however I dont want to just ask of him what I need without truly understanding what he as an introvert needs. I guess Im asking what you all need from your partner by way of them allowing your alone time but still doing for you. Saying "ok take your alone time and I'll be here for you" then just walking away (even if he asked for the alone time) doesnt seem to be working. It seems like he is stuck between my accepting his alone time and trusting my motive for accepting it (and what it "means" when I walk away).
It doesnt seem like yall really feel what Im asking so let me try again. How do I prove useful to his existence without becoming a burden? No he hasn't said I was, and he even said I wasn't selfish, he understands where I am coming from and the things I ask of him arent out of line...however I dont want to just ask of him what I need without truly understanding what he as an introvert needs. I guess Im asking what you all need from your partner by way of them allowing your alone time but still doing for you. Saying "ok take your alone time and I'll be here for you" then just walking away (even if he asked for the alone time) doesnt seem to be working. It seems like he is stuck between my accepting his alone time and trusting my motive for accepting it (and what it "means" when I walk away).
lol ok Im running with this. I read a great article written by an introvert who was once married to an extrovert,this is what he discovered that I am discovering as the difference between my Love & I.
"And this brings me back to the observation I made earlier, that some people are completely self-contained. I think there are two kinds of introvert: those who are content to explore the inner world of thoughts and emotions solo, and those who want to share that voyage of discovery with someone else.
I'm in the latter camp. A quality friendship, for me, is a relationship where we can explore the inner world of thoughts and emotions jointly."
I too am of the latter camp. I enjoy that voyage of thoughts and emotions with someone and honestly the fact that this man is someone who can actually keep up on the voyage makes me all the more excited to share it with him.
Ok and the point he made earlier:
"Here I want to call your attention to the intimacy paradox. (As far as I know, I have just coined the expression.)
Even Mary P. finds this subject confusing. I tell her that I have a deep need for human contact, and she just shoots me that look. You know the look I mean; the same look an entomologist might use to study an unfamiliar insect. Behind the clinical expression, she's calculating how to respond: It can be dangerous to contradict delusional people. Perhaps it would be safer to play along with Q and pretend that he's making sense.
It surprises me that the intimacy paradox surprises Mary P. It is, in fact, the foundation of our relationship. Mary P. and I both have an extraordinary need for intimacy. We spend many hours deep in conversation. And I do not exaggerate when I say that those conversations are life to me.
This is not typical of all introverts, I admit. Some people are completely self-contained; they have no need of human companionship. (I'll return to this observation and offer another comment on it below.)"
My guy seems to be a self contained introvert that has a regular duel in his head with the intimacy paradox. He wants to be alone yet he wants me to know that he is opening up to me and we have a future...he wants intimacy and if I seem to be pulling away from him for the sake of his OWN alone time he gets insecure....maybe I should just hit up the guy that wrote this blog.
"And this brings me back to the observation I made earlier, that some people are completely self-contained. I think there are two kinds of introvert: those who are content to explore the inner world of thoughts and emotions solo, and those who want to share that voyage of discovery with someone else.
I'm in the latter camp. A quality friendship, for me, is a relationship where we can explore the inner world of thoughts and emotions jointly."
I too am of the latter camp. I enjoy that voyage of thoughts and emotions with someone and honestly the fact that this man is someone who can actually keep up on the voyage makes me all the more excited to share it with him.
Ok and the point he made earlier:
"Here I want to call your attention to the intimacy paradox. (As far as I know, I have just coined the expression.)
Even Mary P. finds this subject confusing. I tell her that I have a deep need for human contact, and she just shoots me that look. You know the look I mean; the same look an entomologist might use to study an unfamiliar insect. Behind the clinical expression, she's calculating how to respond: It can be dangerous to contradict delusional people. Perhaps it would be safer to play along with Q and pretend that he's making sense.
It surprises me that the intimacy paradox surprises Mary P. It is, in fact, the foundation of our relationship. Mary P. and I both have an extraordinary need for intimacy. We spend many hours deep in conversation. And I do not exaggerate when I say that those conversations are life to me.
This is not typical of all introverts, I admit. Some people are completely self-contained; they have no need of human companionship. (I'll return to this observation and offer another comment on it below.)"
My guy seems to be a self contained introvert that has a regular duel in his head with the intimacy paradox. He wants to be alone yet he wants me to know that he is opening up to me and we have a future...he wants intimacy and if I seem to be pulling away from him for the sake of his OWN alone time he gets insecure....maybe I should just hit up the guy that wrote this blog.
What do you mean by pulling away from him? His needing alone time doesn't mean that he wants you to pull away. Which may be why he's explaining that he's an introvert, maybe he doesn't want you to be offended (for lack of a better word) by his request for space. I would think if he is reassuring you, he's sensing that his needing this time alone may upset you in some way. I'm sure he's aware that for most women when they hear a guy tell them that they need space, we start to think that he's backing away from the relationship. When someone is an introvert and they take a little time for themselves and they're in a relationship they would like to know that their s/o understands this and doesn't have a problem with it. In other words, it's not a big deal. I really think that he's sensing something from you that says that you're not ok with his "me time". I think you should ask yourself, do you feel hurt that he wants time away from you. If the answer is yes, he may be sensing that. The next time he takes a little time to recharge his batteries and you don't hear from him in a day send him a text and let him know you're thinking about him. Do it in a way that he doesn't have to respond, that way he keeps his "me time" and still knows you're thinking about him. If I'm completely off base and not answering your question at all, I apologize I've been drinking 
lol no need to apologize that was actually very insightful. I really dont go ghost on him when he does say he needs him time, but it is hard for me to go hard for someone consistently who isnt responding consistently. I need some sort of periodic show of appreciation because I too am a bit introverted. Sometimes its hard for me to just go out and tell him how I feel about him and prepare myself to spend time with him, I want to know that my effort is appreciated. I do have a problem with his me time when I'm telling him I want to see him and instead of saying "well I need me time" or "things have been really stressful lately and I havent had much time to myself can we spend some time somewhere down the line" he just doesnt respond at all, which I already told him really annoys me. When I did tell him, his response was "well I dont usually tell anybody"...which is cool as far his other bodies go, but I want to know and I dont think its too much for him to open his mouth and tell me he needs that time. He said that was a valid point, so since that's dealt with...Im still stuck with finding that balance of allowing him his me time while still letting him know that I am here
I do send the text messages. lol And he thought I was weird for sending them until I explained to him that I dont necessarily send them for a response (especially when I send them while he's at work) but rather to let him know Im thinking of him. Its like sometimes he expects me to go off on him or be really demanding all the time.
I am the most comfortable in my own company, it's where you can relax and be yourself. I've always said, I would marry the man who I could forget he was there.
BINGO! SexyScorp you hit this one head on! LOL! I want my husband to exist but not exist if that makes sense to anyone. I want him to know I love him in my heart, however, my logic just won't allow me to give him "closeness" or the time that he wants us to be close with each other. I cannot deal with a man who wants me to be stuck up under him all the time. Too much closeness scares me, it makes me feel like you are trying to trap me, contain me in a cage.
BINGO! SexyScorp you hit this one head on! LOL! I want my husband to exist but not exist if that makes sense to anyone. I want him to know I love him in my heart, however, my logic just won't allow me to give him "closeness" or the time that he wants us to be close with each other. I cannot deal with a man who wants me to be stuck up under him all the time. Too much closeness scares me, it makes me feel like you are trying to trap me, contain me in a cage.
Krobe....your posts to SF was simply eloquent. I enjoyed each word...thanks
Thanks but I guess some people cannot understand how you can love some one and not want to be close too them. I don't know why I am like this but this is how I feel when someone else wants to be "too close" to me.
Thanks but I guess some people cannot understand how you can love some one and not want to be close too them. I don't know why I am like this but this is how I feel when someone else wants to be "too close" to me.
Oh Sweets,
The Cancer man I am dealing with a very commitment phobic, which is just fine with me because I am commitment phobic myself. I guess to understand a commitment, you have to be one. I don't give him space, I give him distance. ALOT of distance and I live my life and date other men and don't include him in on nothing. Period. He will never unfold the mystery of me. Commitment phobic men get bored easily from the day in day out routine of a relationship. There behavior is very destructive and they don't trust easily. Which is so fine with me because my behavior is very destructive too. I love to date other men, which is fine with him because he doesn't want me to lay down and say here you can have me. That's why he stuck in there with me while I was in a relationship with my Cap man. Because he was not required to be there. LOL!
I don't require him to be here, so if I see him fine, if I don't that is fine too. I don't limit my time or space to just one person esp if he behavior doesn't fit up to my standards. I also cannot do "wifely" things for him. I have to have the attitude I don't care, if you want to be here fine, if not that if fine too. Someone else will take your place. If I am with anyone else, friends, family, blah...blah... He gets freightened. SO until he comes out of his shell, I act like he is not important and doesn't exist. It's like the less I do and the less available I am too him, the more he "tries" to come around. But the minute I show him love, he is out.
The Cancer man I am dealing with a very commitment phobic, which is just fine with me because I am commitment phobic myself. I guess to understand a commitment, you have to be one. I don't give him space, I give him distance. ALOT of distance and I live my life and date other men and don't include him in on nothing. Period. He will never unfold the mystery of me. Commitment phobic men get bored easily from the day in day out routine of a relationship. There behavior is very destructive and they don't trust easily. Which is so fine with me because my behavior is very destructive too. I love to date other men, which is fine with him because he doesn't want me to lay down and say here you can have me. That's why he stuck in there with me while I was in a relationship with my Cap man. Because he was not required to be there. LOL!
I don't require him to be here, so if I see him fine, if I don't that is fine too. I don't limit my time or space to just one person esp if he behavior doesn't fit up to my standards. I also cannot do "wifely" things for him. I have to have the attitude I don't care, if you want to be here fine, if not that if fine too. Someone else will take your place. If I am with anyone else, friends, family, blah...blah... He gets freightened. SO until he comes out of his shell, I act like he is not important and doesn't exist. It's like the less I do and the less available I am too him, the more he "tries" to come around. But the minute I show him love, he is out.
so maybe you're just scared of commitment and not really introverted or your commitment phobia puts another dynamic into your introversion that isnt necessarily characteristic of introspective people that arent scared of commitment? I think there is a difference between people who are actually scared of committing, those who dont take commitment seriously, and those who are sensible and have a system of making a commitment.
My Cancer man isnt scared of commitment and knowing him I know he takes commitment very seriously. He's simply very slow to make one because of past hurts and experiences that have directed him to take his time when making serious decisions and get to know someone very well before you commit to them. Though even in saying that it seems like he makes plans for us before I make plans for us and then reveals then when he thinks its sensible to make those plans. For example, closer to when he first met he would throw out themes like us getting married and having children, even moving in together, but he would be very joking about it. Now he will discuss these same themes, but they aren't jokes, now they are conversation starters and questions. Or when I asked him about it his answer simply put "we'll get there".
My Cancer man isnt scared of commitment and knowing him I know he takes commitment very seriously. He's simply very slow to make one because of past hurts and experiences that have directed him to take his time when making serious decisions and get to know someone very well before you commit to them. Though even in saying that it seems like he makes plans for us before I make plans for us and then reveals then when he thinks its sensible to make those plans. For example, closer to when he first met he would throw out themes like us getting married and having children, even moving in together, but he would be very joking about it. Now he will discuss these same themes, but they aren't jokes, now they are conversation starters and questions. Or when I asked him about it his answer simply put "we'll get there".
My Cancer man isnt scared of commitment and knowing him I know he takes commitment very seriously. He's simply very slow to make one because of past hurts and experiences that have directed him to take his time when making serious decisions and get to know someone very well before you commit to them. Though even in saying that it seems like he makes plans for us before I make plans for us and then reveals then when he thinks its sensible to make those plans. For example, closer to when he first met he would throw out themes like us getting married and having children, even moving in together, but he would be very joking about it. Now he will discuss these same themes, but they aren't jokes, now they are conversation starters and questions. Or when I asked him about it his answer simply put "we'll get there".
Well after reading some books on commitphobic behavior this is the start of how most of the men who have commitment problems operate. I am not saying your Cancer is commitment phobic, however, in the book it states that men will throw marriage statement and things out to the woman they love but once she starts "buying" into his ideal fantasy, he leaves.
However, not all men are commitment phobic and NO and am not referring to your can man. I personally don't like the thought of being stagnant with one particular person for my whole entire life. Life is to each's own I guess you all know how I am.
Well after reading some books on commitphobic behavior this is the start of how most of the men who have commitment problems operate. I am not saying your Cancer is commitment phobic, however, in the book it states that men will throw marriage statement and things out to the woman they love but once she starts "buying" into his ideal fantasy, he leaves.
However, not all men are commitment phobic and NO and am not referring to your can man. I personally don't like the thought of being stagnant with one particular person for my whole entire life. Life is to each's own I guess you all know how I am.
OOPS! Mispelled
However, not all men are commitment phobic and NO and am not referring to your Cancer man.
However, not all men are commitment phobic and NO and am not referring to your Cancer man.
so maybe you're just scared of commitment and not really introverted or your commitment phobia puts another dynamic into your introversion that isnt necessarily characteristic of introspective people that arent scared of commitment? I think there is a difference between people who are actually scared of committing, those who dont take commitment seriously, and those who are sensible and have a system of making a commitment.
No, I am not scared of commitment, not at all. I am introverted because I simply like living my life without anyone else shattering what I have going on for myself. It doesn't mean I don't love, it means I am more comfortable with being by myself.
The commitment phobic comes to play when I think about being stagnant in just one relationship with one person at one time. Being with one person "forever" scares me if I really start to think about it. I distance myself from the very thought of being with just one person. I can sleep with one person and be intimate with one, however I like other friends that I want to spend my time with without being scolded about it.
No, I am not scared of commitment, not at all. I am introverted because I simply like living my life without anyone else shattering what I have going on for myself. It doesn't mean I don't love, it means I am more comfortable with being by myself.
The commitment phobic comes to play when I think about being stagnant in just one relationship with one person at one time. Being with one person "forever" scares me if I really start to think about it. I distance myself from the very thought of being with just one person. I can sleep with one person and be intimate with one, however I like other friends that I want to spend my time with without being scolded about it.
umm Hun scared of commitment and commitaphobic are synonymous...if you are a commitment phobic then you by definition are scared of commitment...so either you are or you arent.
I am not scared to pay my bills. LOL! That is what I will commitment myself too!
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