Ok. WTF

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by brianafay on Saturday, February 14, 2009 and has 26 replies.
Sooo....here's a breakdown of the story (I'll try to leave out as many details as possible):
My boyfriend (Libra) invited a friend (Cancer,) who he spent a year in Iraq with, to live with him. Welll of course I liked him alot before I got to know him better - I thought he seemed pretty respectible. However, now I am convinced he is one of the most annoying inconsiderate people I have ever been forced to spend any amount of time around. He is seriously like a little child.
My boyfriend has not charged him any rent since he did not have a job here yet until recently. My BF only asked him to pay part of the utilities since the electric bill went up atleast $ 70 due to the kid sitting at home playing video games all day before he found a job (even then he argued with him about the amount he should pay - he thought $ 50 was too much!) He didn't have any money for food so my boyfriend and I both bought all these groceries, which he ate...and bitched when we were out of bread, etc. When he did finally get his first paycheck and bought groceries - I kid you not - he took a black sharpie and wrote his name on everything and put in caps "DO NOT EAT." Unbelieveable.
Basically, I already feel like he is completely taking advantage of my boyfriend...& then tonight. While I'm at work, and my boyfriend is in a class, his other roommate calls him and informs him that his friend had invited some rather ghetto looking girl to the house and that they were in our room. When my boyfriend gets home - his friend's gone - but he notices our bed has new sheets and such. So he texts him and is like "WTF? Why did you make my bed. I hope it's not what I think." He was thinking...there is no way this kid would really fuck some chick in our bed. Right? Normal people don't do that...
& the kid replies back over an hour later: "I changed your sheets and put my blanket down...so it's safe."
Ok. Let me just sum up my feelings right now: I DONT FUCKING THINK SO.
That is the most repulsive and disrespectful thing you could do, in my opinion.
This proves he has absolutely no respect at all for my boyfriend or I.
I don't even want to go home there tonight. I will probably assault him & I don't want to cause my boyfriend stress.
How should I handle this? I know it sounds immature. But I really don't know the "mature" way to confront this situation.
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the only thing i can say is to LET YOUR BOYFRIEND HANDLE IT! Don't try to get into if you get into it then most likely the friend may get you out of the relationship with your boyfriend with all these worries your bf will come around just give him time
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Thanks - you're probably right.
I should just stay away from the apartment for a while then. Because I KNOW I will not be able to control myself. I have the worst temper. & he's not only disrespected me...but he's disrespected and taken advantage of the most important to me. He's beyond the point of no-return with me.
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"yea but .. your bf puts up with it"
We tell ppl that are in relationships the same thing... its only to the person to find out their self most ppl don't like to follow what others say i have a bad habit of doing it.
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"That is the most repulsive and disrespectful thing you could do"
DUDE WHEN PEOPLE FUCK IN YOUR BED. Just, Oh hell no!
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brianafay do you live with your boyfriend??
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I basically live there. I won't commit to actually moving all my furniture and shit there. But I stay there basically every night.
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But I'm probably picking up my stuff tommorow and not going back until he leaves. I mean he meets these ghetto ass bitches on dating sites like "tagged.com" "collegeluv.com" and "fling.com." I'm so not even kidding. He used my laptop one night while I was gone(and got me a virus)and then tried to say it wasn't him. But he didn't delete the history and those were the 3 most recently visited sites. Idiot.
I really feel like this could end my relationship too actually. Because all my boyfriend said to him was "that's nasty, how about we not do that again."
& it's just so beyond that.
He always has people in his life that he tries to "help out" but really they're just taking advantage of him and along the way they always end up totally disrespecting me as well and I just fly off the fucking handle because it's like the last straw for me. & then my relationship suffers. It's really getting old. I hate drama.
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Oh. & Top my night:
I worked until 11pm on a sold-out night by myself, listening to miserable people bitch about seriously petty problems...I had no time to eat or even use the bathroom...& my boyfriend didn't even bring me a flower or chocolate or anything: nothing...A complete stranger brought me a rose. (I was clearly his project - how nice.)
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& to those of you still reading this bullshit: God bless you.
Happy Valentines day.
Thanks for watching me go crazy - atleast I'm not alone. smile
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brianafay i was just about to suggest that you take your stuff and leave for awhile and let your bf pick which one he wants and finally lose that creep!
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This makes me sad BSad Your so much better than all this shit. It sounds like you have to babysit this creep. He's like totally disrespecting the space and sounds like your boy is trying to keep the peace. We'll It's a good thing you still have your place to go, exspecially right now. I hope this gets better and worked outsmile
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Thanks.
I really don't need to stress about it - it doesn't have to be my problem. I can just not go over there.
But you're right. I'm not gonna sleep in a bed where I don't know whether or not the kid fucked another nasty ghetto bitch in it while we were gone...I don't need to get gonnorhea (sp?) in my eye or something. :/
I'm thinking next time he's not going to change the sheets since my boyfriend will notice and get mad. I'm not taking that chance.
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mmm, this is the exact kinda thing most women will not ignore!!! especially one with an arrow to fire! Tongue
Libra will not kick him out, it's not in their nature, he will rather slide around it somehow. best if you give them some room like everyone suggests...
if a cancer claws in, gets comfy, then it's pretty much useless to get them to see another way... but I have to say it's not the cancer I'm used to, they can usually get their act together and make money
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This is kinda a delicate situation considering they were deployed together. You know how those guys get... brothers in arms and all.
It sucks for you B but you really have to let you BF take the lead here. If you step in and try to come between them it may turn on you. I'd be honest with your BF and let him know it bothers you BUT in all honesty if you don't live there you can't really be asking for alot.
Maybe you should suggest that your BF help him make other living arrangments OR even suggest moving in with him giving him an excuse to ask Cancer to leave without making waves. You know the "we have to focus on our relationship" excuse Winking
It's a sucky situation because I've been there with an ex. So I feel for you. My situation got violent and I was blamed for everything because I took a stand. Sad
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^Yeah it really is delicate. I've been trying not to get into it that much so far. But my boyfriend comes to me everytime to start bitching about the kid. But as soon as I agree or say something about the kid - my boyfriend has to balance the situation (typical Libra) and play mediator or something. Suddenly he gets defensive of the kid.
& Im not a passive-aggressive person...so all this repressing my opinion and anger towards this kid is really not healthy for me. I'm going to lose it on him eventually...I hope it doesn't get violent. Thanks for the advice. What is wrong with men?

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We're just as messed up as you women...
We want to make the most logical sense. (not the case here)
You want to make the most sense emotionally. (not the case here either)
This is probably why its extra frustrating. Not to mention its happening around V-day and all that. What's worse is usually the Cancer is the one being taken advantage of.
Relationship advice would be to have your guy come to you whenever you want to see him.
Not allow him to talk about the Cancer kid. Don't bring it up or discuss it at all with him.
If your guy's fidelity is not in question, you shouldn't break it off with him because he's trying to look out for a friend. I'm sure "LOGICally" he'll understand that his friend is the reason you're not coming around. And he will tire of babysitting his friend or being his dad. Either way, you've done your part. Just don't allow anyone else to throw you off track B.
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Ah this is where my Leo Mars comes in. Really, what this kid is doing is pretty disgraceful for a Cancer. I agree with everyone where this is your boyfriends problem and yeah at least you aren't committing to Cancer as the family pet. But yeah if I was you, I would definitely talk some sense into my boyfriend, tell him to get a back bone and defend himself since Cancer is obviously taking complete advantage of him. My own boyfriend responded positively and moved on from his drainage source. Talk about how the guy is a vampiric energy and is only making him stronger much like a tapeworm to it's host. Consuming his life and wallet as if his child. Don't threaten break up, but definitely point out what it's doing to him and then see how he responds. Be his support system as he may not want to unless he knows someone would back him up. This Cancer obvious doesn't want to grow up and wants to feel like his mom is still taking care of him. He needs a reality check.
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wow. this is a story from real life. It is just like real life. It is really real.
Briana, thanks for sharing.
ok, what to do? I donno. Probably an Earth girl would have solved the problem already. Let us ask them.
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*UPDATE*
He's still not gone, duh. My boyfriend complains about him constantly. And to who? Me, of course, and the other legitimate roommate - who BTW has told my boyfriend more than once he will tell him to leave for him if he wants? BUT my boyfriend just keeps repeating he can't kick him out, he has no where to go. Which is very true - he's from another state and knows no one here except my boyfriend. & my boyfriend seems to feel a little obligated to him because he told him he could come stay here in the first place...
As of this month: he is now supposed to be paying my boyfriend $ 200 for rent and utilities. Yet, already he has told my boyfriend he can only give him $ 100 for this month because he has "some things he needs to get." Interesting, because he has no other responsibilites...
Since the first major incident, my boyfriend had confronted him and asked him not to do it again. Basically, the kid argued with him at first (which is stupid because why should someone even have to tell you fucking in their bed is wrong?) but the next day apologized to him and attempted a guilt-trip or some shit saying "I just won't have anyone over anymore." (UH GOOd? I mean it's not your apartment, if you can't respect other people you can go get your own.)So my boyfriend told him, inviting people over wasn't a problem but sleeping with people in his bed was - it was about respecting people you live with and if he was not mature enough, then he really didn't need to bring anyone over...
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WELL
last weekend he brought another girl over, whom he also met on fling.com.
There was various annoying shit going on - like "she didn't like dogs," so they took it upon themselves to put our dog out on the porch where my boyfriend found her yelping; also she brought in two boxes full of food and proceeded to cook a black-family-reunion- style fucking feast in our kitchen. But whatever, I'm not surprised. The part that really bugged me was that even after the talk about him not having anyone in the room anymore since he can't be trusted and he's not mature enough to respect other people, my boyfriend comes home later after eating dinner with me and finds them where? IN HIS ROOM AGAIN. Who knows if they were in the bed or not...I don't want to know, I don't care, I don't sleep there anymore anyways.
But I still flipped shit. (I'm a fire sign?!) I couldn't help it.
Me and my boyfriend got into a tiny argument because he was mad I had an opinion about it was yelling at me asking me what I wanted him to do about it. & I'm responding "get a fucking backbone? Take out the garbage - aka the kid living in your house..."

Anyways, my solution: I stopped staying there after the first incident. I grabbed the few personal belongings I had there and left the situation. Infact, I really don't even go over there at all, unless I know for sure the he won't be there - and if he happens to stroll in while I'm there I leave very shortly after. I don't give him dirty looks or make comments - I pretend like he doesn't exist. But I do still have to hear about it ALL THE TIME. & If I respond - we get into an argument. So usually, I just say "I don't want to hear about it, you know how I feel and you know what the solution is."
& Lately he's been mad I don't stay there with him anymore. (Plus we haven't had sex in like 3 weeks, so there's alot of tension.) It's really doing a number on our relationship. So I'm just wondering how long he'll let this go on...
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Is it worth ruining your relationship over?
Firstly, I'd not talk about the situation at all with him and tell him you dont want to hear his complaints because he won't step up and do anything to solve it. Explain that it is driving a wedge between you both so it is best for him to deal with the problem and until he does he's not to talk to you about it or you wont be coming over to his.
Secondly, work on your relationship with him, take it back to where you were before. It might be hard to just ignore it but it's not helping you both if you are obstaining from sex. fix it before it's too late.
This is a "His" learning curb that he has to learn to deal with on his own!
And yes Dwelling's thread sounds exactly like yours!! In fact I thought it was the same and you had just posted elsewhere! lol
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Reading hers again I think she has just posted for you...
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^Haha, yeah. I realized that, I was like there is no way we both ended up in the same exact situations.
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My boyfriend literally slept on his lanai last night! He made himself a little bed and slept there. When I asked why, he replied "oh it's nice out there - I like the breeze." But I really know he has developed an attitude with this kid now, and doesn't want to admit he doesn't want to be around his "roommate."
I feel bad. I wish I could just solve the problem for him - he's acting so logically impaired right now.



PS: Cancers...spiteful?
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PS: Cancers...spiteful?
VERY!!! ...but only when its called for. I don't understand how he would justify his behavior when he's getting a free ride.
(When he brings it up...) Tell him that you don't want to hear complaints unless he has a solution to present with it.
That way when he has a solution to suggest, you can just say 'Well... why don't you do that?'
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