Perspective advice

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by MindfulLibra on Thursday, November 2, 2017 and has 45 replies.
To make things short, I’ve been friends with a Cancer Male for the past 4 years. I broke up with my ex in April and ever since then he’s been making slow advances and October we finally had sex.

Now when we’re together he cuddles all on me grabs me and we always watch movies when I go over to his house. He’s just always bringing up my ex. Like he’s testing to see if I’ll go back to him or not. I also realized that he’s more of i’ll Show you in person how I feel rather than “I’ll tell you how I feel over phone or thru texts.
details
advice on what ? the talking and testing about your ex ? just ask him point blank what that is about -

details
Posted by tctao
advice on what ? the talking and testing about your ex ? just ask him point blank what that is about -

I would do the same.
details
He wants confirmation that you are interested in him and not a rebound or someone to spend time with after your breakup. He is interested in you, he seems to have been interested from before.

You should be honest with him, even though you might disappoint him. Just don't allow people to live on false hopes, it's not nice at all.
details
No I’m not giving any false hope! I actually like him. I always tell him I’m done with my ex and I even told him I wouldn’t put him in that predicament. I’m not like that AT ALL. Whenever I ask him something directly he gets all defensive and he’s like “we’re just friends Bc of your ex” but after I ask him a question and he cools down he goes right back to his soft self all over me. It’s like we gotta move at his pace. Which I have no problem with. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t living with false hopes. We both have exes. I haven’t been with mine for 7 months and he hasn’t been with his for a year. If he sees a guy in my phone he feels some type of way but when I ask him about it he’s like Na I’m cool.
details
Ever since we did have sex, he’s been a little more distant. Keeps saying he doesn’t want problems with my ex( he knows him Bc of me) Like he would HMU alllll the time now it’s barely. If I text him tho he’ll answer me right away opens my snaps, DM etc right away. But he just doesn’t HMU like that anymore. If we’re in person tho you wouldn’t think that he hasn’t talked to me like that. And I say like that as in i’ll Barely hear from him within a weeks time. But he never goes ghost or ignores me. I may ask him questions directly and he gets defensive but he gets over it and we go right back to how we were before
details
He told you that you are friends. He's not reaching out- yet you're going to his house and he is affectionate. Because if he plays his cards right you will give him sex. But if he was really in love with you he would pick you because he would want something real. You are a friend with benefits and he let himself off the hook so he can date others and you can date others. If you keep going back it shows you are okay with a friend with benefits. He already decided it's not worth it to him to lose his friendship.
details
He honestly seems like a coward- and you are the one suffering for that. Libras are the best people- find someone who will want to claim you.
details
Lol whether he plays his cards right or not. I’m not that dumb. I gave into I.t because I wanted he went to about 2 weeks prior and then he’s like “I can’t do this” I’m like he’s like “Bc I’m cool with your ex” so I was like okay I didn’t ask any further. And then two weeks later I go over not exspecting anything Bc of last time but I.t followed all the way through to sex. I was surprised. And I mean yeah honestly I’d put our friendship before anything else involved with us. Even after the fact we were still chillen like friends no awkwardness or anything. It’s just that I’ve noticed the distance lately. ALSO DUE TO A CRAZY CHICK THAT HACKED HIS PHONE BC HE WAS TALKING TO ME. That may be a reason he doesn’t really talk to me over the phone now that I think about I.t. She texted Emmy Ex telling him that my friend and I hooked up. And my cancer friend can’t deal with things directly. Do you think it’s bc he feels like he’s under a spotlight now?
details
Nah I’m not making excuses for him lol they’re just questions. But I mean if it’s just FWB then It is what It Is. and yes I went the distance in my last relationship and got hurt really badly. I’m not looking for a relationship with my cancer, at least not right now. I was just curious Bc of how he would act. He had certain traits of another Cancer Male I knew so I decided to come on the forum and see I.t from others ppl’s point of view. If it’s just FWB I kno not to involve my feelings. I like him and all but I’m not gonna get myself bent out of shape for him
details
I don't believe in calling people crazy unless they are clinically diagnosed and on medicine. Whenever someone labels someone crazy- I always think well what did they do to them to make them act that way?

BUT Crazy chick or not- your ex or not- if he's not claiming you as his- through everything- then it's just sex. It's like a salesman were to come to your house and say I'm selling steak would you like to buy some? You say no. My friend used to buy from you and I'm loyal to her. But he kept coming selling the same steak. One day he offered it to you for nothing (you have to put no work in) and you were hungry- so you ate it.

I would be careful with him regardless because he doesn't seem to follow even his own moral code. He won't be in a relationship with you on the premise of your ex.... but he'll sleep with you as long as your ex doesn't find out? Think about what a life with that kind of person would be for you.
details
Sigh, what a precarious position you are in.

Are you guys really friends, or were you guys friends because of your ex? Because I see two scenarios that could be happening, depending on the answer to that. Especially given that you guys have been friends for a number of years. Most Cancers won't step over that threshold with someone they know for that amount of time, without having real emotions for that person.

And honestly, you are getting answers from girls that really have no idea how Cancer men operate at all. Actually, they sound like the types that post "Cancer men left me" threads. Ask @canceronthecusp
details
Posted by nikkistar
Ask @canceronthecusp
I'd rather they not. Confused
details
Posted by CancerOnTheCusp
Posted by nikkistar
Ask @canceronthecusp
I'd rather they not. Confused
click to expand
I meant, not to ask you a question, but that the current women posting seem like the types that have been burnt by your brethren. lol
details
He seems to be afraid of the whole around your ex. How long have them be friends? And how old are both of you? He might just not be mature and confident to go with an ex of a friend. He might think that he's betraying his friend. If he's a close friend of him than that can be a real issue. Cancer treat close friends like family. Sometimes the ties are even stronger than with family. I don't think he's playing with you or just wanting the sex.
details
Is he friends with you ex too? Maybe he doesn't want to get caught in the middle...
details
Noooo he only knows my ex because of ME. I’ve known the cancer for years but him and my ex were cool when I brought him around.
details
@nikkistar and yeah we’re actually friends. Like I said I’ve know. Him for 10 years but we’ve gotten closer the past 4 years. My ex didn’t meet him until this year
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
Noooo he only knows my ex because of ME. I’ve known the cancer for years but him and my ex were cool when I brought him around.
Ok, based off of this. He could be friends with your ex, and have some sort of loyalty or friendship bond with him. But that bond isn't strong enough to "stop" him from sleeping with you, but it's strong enough to make him constantly fluctuate between going for it, or not.

You have known him for awhile, and he is bonded to you as well, and would never have crossed the sexual line if he hadn't had emotional attachment to you.

It's just a weird place to be, because he is friends with your ex now as well.
details
@nikkistar yeah I kinda figured that as well. It’s just a confusing situation. And yeah I wouldn’t think he’d cross that line either unless there was some kind of emotion to I.t. I mean I’m not going to beat myself up over it but I just wanted some other insight. He’s feels some type of way sometimes though when he knows I’m gonna go chill with a guy(which is once in a blue Bc I’m not down to deal with these guys) . He’ll be like “who’s that” or “he asked for your number, that’s funny” I’m just like yeah lol. He chills with girls and stuff but I don’t question I.t Bc he’s not my man ya kno? I’m just like why are you feeling some type of way and you’re not my man and you won’t claim anything so still why are you getting mad? And this was before we had even had sex.
details
@carrazeda we’re both 21 and he just met my ex this year. I’ve known him since I was 14 but started getting closer when we turned 17
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
@nikkistar yeah I kinda figured that as well. It’s just a confusing situation. And yeah I wouldn’t think he’d cross that line either unless there was some kind of emotion to I.t. I mean I’m not going to beat myself up over it but I just wanted some other insight. He’s feels some type of way sometimes though when he knows I’m gonna go chill with a guy(which is once in a blue Bc I’m not down to deal with these guys) . He’ll be like “who’s that” or “he asked for your number, that’s funny” I’m just like yeah lol. He chills with girls and stuff but I don’t question I.t Bc he’s not my man ya kno? I’m just like why are you feeling some type of way and you’re not my man and you won’t claim anything so still why are you getting mad? And this was before we had even had sex.
Eeeeeeee.

So one thing you have to know about Cancer men is they will sometimes test someone's loyalty. I suggest you not tell him about other guys.
details
I’m a cancer and I’ve never too many cancer men.

This is the problem. He’s resentful and jealous over this guy that you used to love. He can’t get over it because it hurts him deeply. He tries not to let it bother him but he can’t simply move past it. And he mostly won’t if your ex is still in the picture at all.

The question is, why does he feel this way? Did you have a relationship more than friendship with the cancer in the past? Do you know if the cancer liked you before you started dating your last boyfriend? Are you still friends with your ex? Do you hang out with him?Are you still friends on Facebook or other media accounts with your ex?
details
@pinkbird03 I’ve never had anything more than friend prior to this. If anything we kinda resented each other lol Bc couldn’t stand how he had no filter to his mouth and the disrespect he would put out towards people but he matured a bit and that’s why we were able to move on to friendship. Also I’m not aware if he liked me or not prior to this. If he did he was never direct about It just how he isn’t now and he never showed signs of I.t like he does now. And yes I’m still friends with my ex, we may chill time to time BUT he his also friends with his ex as well. Yes also have my ex on social media but so does he. I.t could be understood that he feels some type of way but that would also make him a hypocrite
details
@nikkistar don’t tell him about other guys lol. When he said “who’s that” I.t was my friend hitting me up if I️ was going to be around tomorrow. And yes strictly a friend. Like he’ll go thru my phone and idc Bc there’s nothing to hide. I️ don’t talk to guys Bc I’m not like that and I️ don’t want him feeling some type of way but I’m also not gonna stop communicating with other guys just Bc he feels some type of way but he still talks to other girls. I’m not mad or anything. He always tells me like “look at her” or “what do you think of her” like I’m supposed to get jealous or something lol
details
The letter “EYE” keeps being replaced my an exclamation and a box so EYE apologize. Apple product
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
@pinkbird03 I’ve never had anything more than friend prior to this. If anything we kinda resented each other lol Bc couldn’t stand how he had no filter to his mouth and the disrespect he would put out towards people but he matured a bit and that’s why we were able to move on to friendship. Also I’m not aware if he liked me or not prior to this. If he did he was never direct about It just how he isn’t now and he never showed signs of I.t like he does now. And yes I’m still friends with my ex, we may chill time to time BUT he his also friends with his ex as well. Yes also have my ex on social media but so does he. I.t could be understood that he feels some type of way but that would also make him a hypocrite
Yes, definitely a hypocrite. My best guess he’s very jealous of your relationship with your ex. And unless u stop being friends with your ex, his behavior will continue to be like this. If you want to be with him, at least don’t hang out with ur ex without him.
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
@nikkistar don’t tell him about other guys lol. When he said “who’s that” I.t was my friend hitting me up if I️ was going to be around tomorrow. And yes strictly a friend. Like he’ll go thru my phone and idc Bc there’s nothing to hide. I️ don’t talk to guys Bc I’m not like that and I️ don’t want him feeling some type of way but I’m also not gonna stop communicating with other guys just Bc he feels some type of way but he still talks to other girls. I’m not mad or anything. He always tells me like “look at her” or “what do you think of her” like I’m supposed to get jealous or something lol
Ahhh, see I thought you were hanging with them not as friends. Just be open about that.
details
@nikkistar I’ve tried to. I* even told the cancer that I* wouldn’t put him in that I* wouldn’t put him in that situation with my ex if I* even had intentions on going back to my ex. Bc that would be messed up. Also I* would loose our friendship playing with him like that. But when i* bring I.t up directly he gets all defensive and stuff. Like how am I* supposed to go about that? If I* bring I.t up then he’s a bit more hesitant to touch me and stuff when we chill but if I* don’t mention I.t then he doesn’t care and he’s all over me. He’s never been the type to react to forwardness in a good way he gets defensive. It’s like he wants to move how he wants to move without any questions.
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
@nikkistar I’ve tried to. I* even told the cancer that I* wouldn’t put him in that I* wouldn’t put him in that situation with my ex if I* even had intentions on going back to my ex. Bc that would be messed up. Also I* would loose our friendship playing with him like that. But when i* bring I.t up directly he gets all defensive and stuff. Like how am I* supposed to go about that? If I* bring I.t up then he’s a bit more hesitant to touch me and stuff when we chill but if I* don’t mention I.t then he doesn’t care and he’s all over me. He’s never been the type to react to forwardness in a good way he gets defensive. It’s like he wants to move how he wants to move without any questions.
Well it's simply because he doesn't know you in a romantic capacity yet, so he isn't sure. Until he has had time to see it, and understand you in a romantic capacity, he will always be leery Especially if he was cheated on. With Cancers, you take 1 step forward, and sometimes 2 steps back. You are going to have to not always care about titles, but also know that those limitations are still there, as if you are in a relationship. Sounds hypocritical? Well it is. lol

My Cancer knows most of my bestfriends are guys. He makes subtle comments as well, but after 2 years of us, he doesn't even question that he is first. For that very reason, he may ask a few questions, but no longer exhibits the traits he had in the beginning, which are similar to your situation.
details
Yeah his ex cheated on him smh but he thinks all girls do and I* NEVER cheated on my ex. I’m the one who got ef’d over and he knows that. But I* understand what you mean @nikkistar , and if that’s how it’s gonna be 1 step forward and 2 steps back then so be I.t. It’s just different for me. I’m just learning something new. And I* don’t mind having patience with this, but I’m happy I* have more of a perspective on my situation. I* just didn’t want him thinking I* could be 1 of his hoes or something but then I’ve been told a Cancer Male wouldn’t cross that line of friendship unless there was some kind of emotion. So I.t eased my mind a bit
details
And he sees I* don’t talk to anybody. He goes in my phone whenever I* sleep over lol. Idc tho I* told him he could put his fingerprint in my phone. I* try to be as open and honest as possible
details
@MindfulLibra I've read your response and the others posts above. He's insecure that's clear. Immature even I would say. You shouldn't let him check your phone. It doesn't matter if you have things to hide or not, it's a boundary. And I'm saying this because I think that the boundaries between with you and him are a bit messed up. You said you had sex wasn't it? His that still going on? I can't figure his head but like @juliette said he's insecure and is acting cold out of his weaknesses and mood swings. I've said in other threads and I'll say it again: don't let an insecure cancer man drag you in his insecurities and mood swings. He isn't acting mean, he's just growing up (like you). If you can absorb that and wait for things to get clarified great. If not, step back. I don't think that to talk with him would make a difference. He needs to understand his mind and feelings first and I'm not sure if he does.
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
And he sees I* don’t talk to anybody. He goes in my phone whenever I* sleep over lol. Idc tho I* told him he could put his fingerprint in my phone. I* try to be as open and honest as possible
THAT, is not something my Cancer does. I would not be comfortable with any man having to do that, regardless of if I had anything to hide or not (i never do). That's just, kinda, crazy....
details
@nikkistar let me clarify. When I say he goes thru my phone he’ll ask to play a game on I.t or gonon my snap and I say yeah Bc I really don’t care. But i’ll Catch him in my snap memories or my photos. If he’s went thru my messages before I* wouldn’t know. But when I* catch him I’m like why are you going thru my phone( at the same time tho I* have nothing to hide) when I* say sleep over I* don’t mean he checks I.t when I’m sleeping I* just mean the times I* go to his house to spend the night. He’s had a fingerprint in my phone tho even when we were just friends. And yes @carrazeda we’ve had sex but recently. Like 3 weeks ago. After months of him throwing signs that he likes me and then going two steps back. Months of me going over and sleeping over and just watching movies. To us cuddling and watching movies up until recently. But like I* said I* have patience and I’m in no rush for any title or anything. I just didn’t want to read him the wrong way. But I.t turns out that I* was pretty correct with my intuition
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
@nikkistar let me clarify. When I say he goes thru my phone he’ll ask to play a game on I.t or gonon my snap and I say yeah Bc I really don’t care. But i’ll Catch him in my snap memories or my photos. If he’s went thru my messages before I* wouldn’t know. But when I* catch him I’m like why are you going thru my phone( at the same time tho I* have nothing to hide) when I* say sleep over I* don’t mean he checks I.t when I’m sleeping I* just mean the times I* go to his house to spend the night. He’s had a fingerprint in my phone tho even when we were just friends. And yes @carrazeda we’ve had sex but recently. Like 3 weeks ago. After months of him throwing signs that he likes me and then going two steps back. Months of me going over and sleeping over and just watching movies. To us cuddling and watching movies up until recently. But like I* said I* have patience and I’m in no rush for any title or anything. I just didn’t want to read him the wrong way. But I.t turns out that I* was pretty correct with my intuition
Still a nope for me. Not that I have anything to hide, but I don't like people wanting to "use" my phone for games, but really have an ulterior motive. That's a boundary that needs to be established, and its not because you have anything to hide, but because this behavior shouldnt be condoned imo.
details
@nikkistar I* understand so i’ll Put a stop to that as well. Question though. What did you mean when you said he doesn’t know me in a romantic capacity yet? And how would I* show him Bc I* do like him but I* don’t like coming off strong that
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
@nikkistar I* understand so i’ll Put a stop to that as well. Question though. What did you mean when you said he doesn’t know me in a romantic capacity yet? And how would I* show him Bc I* do like him but I* don’t like coming off strong that
What I mean is, he knows you as a friend, and how you are while being a friend. The romance, dating, potential spouse side he doesn't know how you are in that realm yet. And it could take years for him to get to the point where he isn't insecure, while he observes you in a romantic way, instead of a platonic way. ESPECIALLY, if he loved his ex that cheated on him. If he loved that ex, he will now question his ability to judge and pick another potential mate, and it will cause trust issues like no other. The person they love, is their bestfriend, family, and lover all wrapped into one. So when they are betrayed by that person, they feel like they lost all of those things as well. He needs to observe you over a long time period, and while he does that to see the aspects he wants in a spouse, he will likely do some stuff you dislike.
details
Posted by nikkistar
Posted by MindfulLibra
@nikkistar I* understand so i’ll Put a stop to that as well. Question though. What did you mean when you said he doesn’t know me in a romantic capacity yet? And how would I* show him Bc I* do like him but I* don’t like coming off strong that
What I mean is, he knows you as a friend, and how you are while being a friend. The romance, dating, potential spouse side he doesn't know how you are in that realm yet. And it could take years for him to get to the point where he isn't insecure, while he observes you in a romantic way, instead of a platonic way. ESPECIALLY, if he loved his ex that cheated on him. If he loved that ex, he will now question his ability to judge and pick another potential mate, and it will cause trust issues like no other. The person they love, is their bestfriend, family, and lover all wrapped into one. So when they are betrayed by that person, they feel like they lost all of those things as well. He needs to observe you over a long time period, and while he does that to see the aspects he wants in a spouse, he will likely do some stuff you dislike.
click to expand
Nikki is usually right on these things

details
I* will keep you guys updated. Thank you!
details
@nikkistar actually I* have a question. You say he needs to kno me romantically. He lives about 20 mins from me but we’re both always busy working all the time since the last time I* saw him which was when we had sex. I* don’t hit him up all the time Bc I* don’t want to seem needy or annoying but I* also don’t want him to take that as I* don’t want to talk him or something. I* don’t wanna come off too strong. But I.t seems the only way I* can show him is in person but I* don’t see him in person enough. How can I* begin to show I.t tho without I.t being in person? If that makes sense
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
@nikkistar actually I* have a question. You say he needs to kno me romantically. He lives about 20 mins from me but we’re both always busy working all the time since the last time I* saw him which was when we had sex. I* don’t hit him up all the time Bc I* don’t want to seem needy or annoying but I* also don’t want him to take that as I* don’t want to talk him or something. I* don’t wanna come off too strong. But I.t seems the only way I* can show him is in person but I* don’t see him in person enough. How can I* begin to show I.t tho without I.t being in person? If that makes sense
You don't need to be in person to show this. My Cancer and I have been LDR for most of the 2 years we have been together, and I won't be moving there until May of 2018. Communication is key, and even if it seems unfair (you will have to decide if you can tolerate it), they aren't good at initiating communication, so you will have to put the effort of texting them. You need to show you remember the things important to them. Be affectionate, but also an ear for them to listen to. It's a long road, that can be SUPER frustrating at times, because you feel as if you care more than them. That's not the case most of the time, it's them seeing if you will stand by them at the "worst" of times. If you come out on the other side, and remain by their side, they give you the world and go out of there way to make sure you are happy.
details
@nikkistar I* hope so. Ever since we had sex he stopped hitting me up first. If I* hit him up he’ll answer right away. He’ll open my snaps right away and everything. But that’s why I* didn’t want him to think I’m annoying or anything. But I* understand where you’re coming from.
details
Posted by MindfulLibra
@nikkistar I* hope so. Ever since we had sex he stopped hitting me up first. If I* hit him up he’ll answer right away. He’ll open my snaps right away and everything. But that’s why I* didn’t want him to think I’m annoying or anything. But I* understand where you’re coming from.
LOL, I remember this time in My Cancer and I's stuff. My Cancer has literally JUST started calling me back or texting me first maybe 4 or 5 months ago. lol I think I had more calls coming from his mom than him. hahaha
details
@nikkistar so I’m guessing it’s not out of the norm for them to act that way. I* just don’t want our friendship to get messed up due to miscommunication. I* care about my friendship with him more than anything. If he likes me in that sense tho, I* don’t want to deny him of that Bc the feeling is mutual
details

Leave Your Feedback

We'd love to hear your thoughts! If you're not logged in, you can still share your feedback below. Your input helps us improve the experience for everyone. To post your own content or join the conversation, please log in or create an account.

Home Astrology Comments Forums Search

©1997-2025 dxpnet.com. All Rights Reserved.
Advertising Contact Terms of Use Privacy Policy