Please help me help my friend

One of my two BFFs is a Cancer. We are awesome, long time friends and I love her very much. The problem is she is miserable and I don't know how to help her.

Background: She met an Aries guy and married him within six months. My advice at the time was to wait and get to know him better, but she was in love and went ahead anyway. So I supported her. Now two months after their wedding, he has done a complete 360. As an Aries, he is sharp tongued and brusk and hurts her feelings a lot. She also has well deserved trust issues from some things that have happened since their marriage. But she's miserable to the point of thinking she made a mistake because she's tired of constantly getting her feelings hurt.

The reason I suggested she wait was for several reasons. He has a mental health disorder controlled by medication, this is his 5th marriage, he owns absolutely nothing and doesn't have an established career at 50 yrs old, he is a flirt with other women, he gets irritated with her for being herself, just a lot of things.

Anyway, the only thing I know to do is to sit and listen and allow her to vent. I know what I would do, but I'm not her. When she asks me what I would do, I hate to tell her because I don't want her to resent me. In the beginning, I thought it was just them needing to get used to living with each other, but I'm starting to think its deeper than that. I just tell her I wished I had an answer to solve her problems, but I'm floored by his behavior as well. I really don't want to get into it on here, but they are having a lot of issues from trust to respect to support to affection, etc.

So, what suggestions can you offer me to help her? I love her and want her to be happy.


I'll be honest here, too. I'm fighting keeping that cap mercury and moon contained. Part of me wants to say I told you not to, I don't want to hear it. But I really don't feel that way. I really do want to be there for her. So all I do is listen. It's all I know to do.

Thank you and please help me without judging me.

Thanks. I guess I feel a little better. At least she talks to me.

Well, she has already made a comment on her alternate facebook that "it hurts so bad feeling like I'm not good enough". That's when I decided to reach out here for yall's advice. I'm really concerned about her. He is critical and very self centered in a lot of matters and she takes it to heart instead of tossing it right back at him. She's so sweet and tender hearted, I also worry that she will slip into a depression.

She won't get out of the house, not because she doesn't feel like she can or because of his illness. In fact, he does encourage her to do things with her friends. HOWEVER, she doesn't trust him alone by himself because of some inappropriate contact he has made with other women via cell and on-line and she thinks he looks at porn. The porn wouldn't bother me, but it does her. I do understand that she doesn't trust him. That right there would have done it for me, buh-bye. But, she does love him and wants it to work.

I guess all I can do is be there and listen.

Thanks, yall.

I have told her not to settle for less and to stay true to herself. That she doesn't need this kind of treatment and shouldn't tolerate it. I did tell her I would give him an ultimatum.

But, I did NOT tell her I would leave him. Actually, I wouldn't have dated him in the first place, too many red flags from Day One. I don't want to encourage her to give up on her marriage. Its easier for her to do that now than later, in my opinion. But if she keeps asking, I know that's going to come out when I get enough of seeing her hurt like this. Hard to contain that harsh cap mercury sometimes.

I worry that her self esteem is dangerously low.

I appreciate your responses and thank you for not judging me as a bad friend.

A bad vs good friend could go either way here. I feel "damned if you do" and "damned if you don't". Whatever action I take can be perceived as good or bad, depending on the perspective.

Wow! Aurora and watery I think yall make a lot of sense. Its probably a combination of the two. She's determined to make it work and she's consumed by him.

What everyone has said really helps. If I can understand the cancer thought processes, then I can be a better friend.

Thanks again to everyone!!