I recently started dating a cancer man. We have known each other for about three monthes now, two of which we have been exclusively seeing each other, officially boyfriend/girlfriend.
At first, especially before we were officially dating, it was all love and roses. He has been working in his Philidelphia office since the beginning of knowing each other, so every weekend on Friday, he would come up to New York, where I live (and where he lives permanently) to see me. We would spend the entire weekend together, from morning through night, Friday through Sunday. Texting was always initiated by him, and even though he was constantly busy at work, he would never fail to FaceTime me every night, even if he was at the office. As a Scorpio, this pleased me to no end, particularly because he was doing all of this willingly without me having to push for any of it.
*(This story is a long one over the course of a couple of weekends, so I tried to make it chronologically easier to understand by indicating which week we are on by using W#)
However, a couple of weeks ago, things began to spiral downwards. One weekend (W1) he couldn’t make it back to NY due to work oblgations in DC, which is completely understandable, so we simply planned to see the weekend afterwards. However, on Thursday (W2) he casually mentions that he can’t make it that weekend either because he needed to go down to DC again to attend a friend’s party: again, understandable. One thing that irked me a little was the lack of communication that weekend, but I reasoned that he was simply having a great time partying with his friends and was just too preoccupied to contact me. I didn’t let it bother me, and let him be.
Come next weekend (W3) he comes to NY on a Sunday, because he will be in NY office until the that Tuesday. We don’t see each other that Sunday, and end on a strained note that day because he kept pushing back our meeting. The next day, on Monday, he said we were definitely going to see each other that night after work but he never specified what time. I waited for him to tell me what time, but end up going to the station first. I tried to be patient, only for him to text and tell me he was already with his buddy for the night. I told him to call me, as I thought it was inappropriate for him to completely bail on me like that, since I have been waiting for him the whole night. He said he would call me in 10 minutes; no call, so I end up going home. The next day, he promises to meet me that night at 8:30. He is late, and finally meets me at 9:45. At this point, I am entirely annoyed and in disbelief with his behavior. But seeing that we haven’t seen each other in awhile, I did not want to sour our time together with an argument so I simply said a couple of words on his inappropriate actions, he apologizes, and I decide there is no need to drag this matter out. We have a lovely evening, albeit with a little tension. The next day, Wednesday, he leaves for Philadelphia again, and I leave for Paris for work matters.
The next weekend (W4), we could not see each other as I am still in Paris. However the entire time in Paris, communication is scarce, the problem stemming from his side. And as there is a significant time difference, we don’t facetime that much. This part confuses me slightly; although we don’t text as much, and that bothers me, I pushed for a bit of FaceTime. The two times we did FaceTime, we chatted for a long time. Nevertheless, I begin to question why things have seemed to change. I was used to a certain level of communication, and this sudden change gave me all kinds of insecurities and anxieties but I did not voice them and just went with he flow.
Next weekend (W5) (actually, this past weekend) we had arranged to meet in NY that Saturday. Come Saturday morning, he received some disturbing news from his family that his grandfather, who lives in another country, is extremely ill. He says he doesn’t feel like coming because he has a lot on his mind, and many things to attend to, but I get a bit pushy, saying he should come and spend time with me to get his mind off of things. He comments as to why I am being so demanding, so I immediately drop the topic and instead, in a positive manner, wish that he gets the things he needs to get done, done, and to know I am always here supporting him no matter what. On Sunday, I text him once, he texts back, and I text him again but to no avail. So I proceed to call him but he does not answer. I did not think anything of it, but that night I saw on his Snapchat, that he did not send to me, he was enjoying a home cooked meal. Mind you, he is in Philadelphia, staying in a hotel, living in a city where none of his friends are but where some of his fuck buddies are (excuse the French). Immediately, alarm bells ring. I call twice, to both which he declined. I do not text him or call him again and decide to sleep it off.
The next day, on Monday, he texts me, wishing me a good morning, with no mention of my phone calls. I play it off a bit coolly, and respond many hours later with no sweet affection at all. Nonetheless, I answer politely. He says goodnight, and I as well. The next day on Tuesday, (namely yesterday), I do not text him at all. By this point, I am more than confused with his behavior, but not wanting to be added stress to his plate, I have not said anything. I understand that he is preoccupied with work, and certainly upset with the matter regarding his grandfather but I thought he wanted me to be a part of his life. Regardless, I set the day aside to contemplate everything.
From the very beginning of the relationship, there has been some tension. He has accused me of being in love with my ex still, and has been suspicious of me. I definitely know that he thinks I do not try hard enough in this relationship; personally I disagree with this at some level, but I have to be honest, I have not thrown myself into this relationship 100% because my previous relationship hurt me deeply. But that is why, yesterday, at night, I made an impromptu decision to go down to see him in Philadelphia instead; after a day of thinking, I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t there when he needed me most (regarding his grandfather) and I thought perhaps he didn’t want to tell me exactly how hard of a time he was having, and wanted me to figure it out. I thought maybe this was one of those infamous Cancer tests to see how far I would go for him, to prove my love for him. Of course, I am still upset with his previous actions (or lack of), but I thought this trip would be meaningful; he can tell me surely whether he wanted me to be with him or whether he needed space, instead of us playing charades and me driving myself insane. How wrong I was. I was on the train more than half way there, when he finally called me after I texted him saying I have a bit of an urgent matter and to call me back at his earliest convenience. He completely blew up on me, telling me to turn around immediately. I had picked the absolutely worst day to surprise him; his grandfather had passed away yesterday. He needed to be alone, he said I was encroaching in on his privacy, how dare I invite myself over. I offered the same explanation as above, minus the cancer testy part, and the charades. He didn’t answer. As I arrived, I waited for a response, and none came. After an hour, I offered a solid apology in regards to everything and said, “I’m so sorry about everything. Are you sure you would like me to go back?” Again, no response. Needless to say, I went back in the wee hours of the morning, without texting or calling him again.
My main question is what next? Nothing has happened since. I sincerely meant no harm, and did not mean to infringe on his privacy. I thought, as his girlfriend, it was acceptable for me to surprise him unannounced. Of course, I also completely understand where he is coming from. But I am conflicted; on one hand, I feel that he owes me an explanation of some sort for his sudden crabby shell huding behavior, as I am his girlfriend. On the other hand, he is going through a tough and stressed time in his life. Of course, right now at this point, I intend to give him all the space he needs. No more calls or messages. Honestly, I am not hopeful he will be coming back to me, noting how angered he was yesterday. Will he be back? Will he understand from my point of view if I give it time?
I am quite the typical Scorpio; I have a tendency to overthink and go into overdrive. I made an account just for this occasion; if anyone can offer any advice or kind words that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I too am a Scorpio with a Cancer boyfriend and although I have a hard time reading my bf sometimes what I do know is that if you give them time when they're in their moods they'll come back when they're ready. He's going through a hard time right now and doesn't really know how to handle it so just give him time, he'll come around. Good luck!
Signed Up:
Dec 14, 2016Comments: 7399 · Posts: 18799 · Topics: 84
This is going to sound very harsh, but I think you need to walk away, and fast.
This doesn't sound like a test at all, it sounds more like he has someone else. Whether going through a hard time or not, I have never seen a Cancer man react the way he did, when you made the surprise visit. Nor would they continually make excuses to not see the person they are in a relationship with for weeks on end.
In all the years, I have been with my Cancer, not once did he ever do what you have indicated, even when hyper stressed. Yes, they do eventually loosen up on communication, and they do have a tendency to go days without calling or texting, but his actions are coming off as ghosting. Yes, he may be stressed out. But there are too many red flags to ignore in his behavior.