question for cansir

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by xangelfishx on Friday, May 25, 2007 and has 116 replies.
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anyone can feel free to chime in - but I would specifically like cansir's opinion on this - I've read a lot of your posts and you seem very insightful - and HONEST - you're not afraid to tell it all.
I've tried to ask a few of my male friends what they think about this situation but most of them won't tell me the truth either because they like me, or because they're too close to me to be objective. I actually know a cancer who bahved in a very similar manner - but he and I don't talk any more.
here's my situation - I have known my best friend's brother [a caner...] for four years - but I hadn't gotten to know him very well until the last six months because I've liked him since the first time I met him and I'm so shy and afraid of rejection that I never really made an attempt to talk to him afraid he might realize I liked him and I'd be embarrassed.
six months ago my best friend and I decided to dress up and go out to dinner - while we were getting ready her brother callled to see if she wanted to hang out so she invited him and his best friend along.
Right from the moment we went to his house to pick them up he was being unusually attentive to me - I went to dinner on his birthday last year and he hardly talked to me, though at one point as I was walking down the steps at the party we went to later he held my hand - other than that he'd never really talked to me, or paid attention to me, not that he was rude oranything. Anyway that night he hugged me and was walking almost on top of me and talking to me the entire time even stopping in the middle of a conversation with his sister to ask me what I've been up to lately. After dinner we went a bar and my friend wanted to leave and he pulled me aside and told me he wanted to go to a friend's house but at the same time he kind of didn't so he asked me what I was planning to do, which I took as him saying he wanted to go where I was going. We ended up going to his friend's house and he hardly left my side - they had a fire in the back yard and he kept coming up to me and hugging me and holding me and outting his head on my shoulder. Obviously I thought, and his sister and his best friend thought that he was interested in me. He's a bar tender, so a week later I went to the restuarant he works at and had dinner, when I left I left him a note that said I thought he was really cute and really sweet and that we didn't see each other often enough and I wrote my phone number. [i'm running out of room]
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so.....after a ferw days I started to worry so I called my friend [his sister] and told her what I'd done and asked what she thought I should do - she said she would talk to him and find out what was going on - she told me that on his borthday he was asking about me, and asked if I lived with my boyfriend - sounded like he was trying to find out if I was single - so she said she'd talk to him. A week later she said he told her he didn't call me because he didn't know what to say - that he was not feeling good about himself right now because of his financial situation and the fact that he doesn't have a car so he really didn't want to date ANYONE right now - which seemed to make sense.I went to see him again to tell him I was sorry if I made him uncomfortable and wanted to make sure we were "okay" - he said I had nothing to be sorry for and reiterated what he had said to his sister. then he gave me his phone number.I was a little nervous about calling him but I sent him a couple text messages which he didn't reply to, but I've gone in a couple times and he's ALWAYS friendly and seems happy to see me and hugs me a lot, about a month ago I went to a baseball game with his sister and one of her friends and then we went to the bar - he was just getting off work and said he didn't feel like hanging out because he'd had a really bad day, as he was leaving he came up behind my chair and hugged me and said he was sorry for not calling me but he's been in a bad mood - I told him to call me and tell me about it and he hugged me some more then went outside with his sister and he was walking away the friend said "wow - he looks MUCH happier now" and asked why I didn't go out with him and I told her what he'd said - so at that point even everyone who sees how he acts with me thinks he likes me, including the other bartenders - I saw him again last friday and he was as friendly as ever and even started telling me about his ex fiance - he won't even tell his siter what happened with her - and talking about "the next time you come in..." but yesterday he sent me a mean text message and told me to leave him alone. I was really upset and tried to call him but he said he was at work adn couldn't talk. Today my friuend told me that he asked her to talk to me and tell me that he just started dating a girl he had dated for a few months a while back and he thought it would be better coming from her [his siter] than him......
my question is - WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ?? I've re
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sorry - I've read that when a cancer man's ex girlfriend comes back into his life his feelings tend to come back - I don't know if that's what happened or he was never interested in me and didn't want to hurt my feelings - he said he's been back together with her for a couple of weeks, so not too long after the day I went to the baseball game.
\I can't figure him out - and what happened over the last two days was a COMPLETE surprise.....
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What's ur sign xangel? why if he texted u "leave me alone" would u proceed to call him?
my advice, be prepared for these hot and cold moods and just relax...good luck
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lol lucky, cancers get called "ass" a lot
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Hi,
xangelfishx,
He probably needs some space like he asked. Like it is really going 2 work out with his ex yeah right LOL! They will B back at it again next week. Don't get angry at him though. It is his defensive mechanism. I know it sounds crazy. But, my advice 2 U, is don't try 2 be his girl. Put him under the impression that he can't B your man, because he does not fit your standards. U R in the beginning so U can do this. 4 right now, ignore him. This usually captures him in, but U can't do it forever. U can't get mad at him simple 4 being him. I know the behavior is weird and all, however, it is used 2 protect his vulnerability. Live your life. C other people, but he will come back around on his own time. U may have been pushing a little 2 fast 4 him and he backed off. If U R still interest show some interest, then U back off! Give out alittle, however, not alot. Not alot as in don't let him C that U give your heart away so easily. Move in slow steps. Then next time he comes around, shut him out! Just like he did you. He will stop doing alot of things 2 U, if U do the same things back 2 U. Don't give up your sex either until he is completely the way U want him 2 B. I will tell you with slow moving women, this man will change. A great deal because he will start 2 trust U, and open up alot more because U R not pushing and forcing things on him. Don't pressure anything on him. Let him come around back 2 U for what ever U do. Do something 1 time and 1 time only. Then if he wants it, he will come back. If not, don't B offended by rejection. No simple means NO. This will make him more comfortable with U when he can pick up on the fact that U R not threatened by his behavior, and U understand that is simple his way of protecting his vulnerabilities. And it does not matter if U have any other male friends. He will understand and B here 4 U no matter what. Just let him come 2 U. Don't force anything on him. That way, he won't run from U, he will come 2 U.
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PS
angelfishx,
U have 2 B totally honest with him 2. From the start. Tell him the deal, tell him 2 deal with it, or just go on if he can't. But, once he sees that U can deal with him, he can deal with your cards 2.
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Please listen to Krobe
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Quote from my cancer guy:
"I was confused when u didn't always call me like other girls do. So I decided to keep calling u"
No pressure on him....he'll come around if he's interested. Oh yeah, if u know ur going to see him, make sure u dress similar to that night he paid u attention. U obviously caught his eye because u were looking good to him.
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i also agree with what krobe03 said but would also like to add what i feel is going on. first of all from what information you have provided it seems like he has a lot of things going on. the first main thing that jumps out to me is that you are his sisters friend. for us cancers that might make things hard on us because if he did decide to date you and if things didn't work out between the two of you it would be difficult for him to move on or act like he doesn't care about you because you are his sisters friend. or he could also be thinking that he doesn't want to get involved with his sisters friend because he would not want to jeopardize his sisters friendship with you if again things didn't work out. another thing i see is that he isn't happy with his financial situation right now. for a cancer that is scary because we need security. whether it be emotional or financial. when things are out of whack in one of those we can become very unbalanced. so right now he has a lot of things going through his head. another thing that is going on is that i don't think he has healed from his exfiance. we hold to a lot of hurt and although we may seem fine on the outside we do have a lot of emotions we are dealing with on the inside. hence our hard shells for protection. krobe03 is right in that just give him space and don't put pressure on him right now. i really believe he isn't over her and that is why he is with the exgirlfriend. she is someone he has known so that makes him feel comfortable especially during tough unbalanced times. we always look to the past to help us feel secure. the exgirlfriend is probably just a rebound and he has her there solely for comfort so just continue doing your thing and don't let that relationship bother you. it is a relationship out of convenience. we are very private people and won't share a lot of anything (emotion wise) with anyone. we carry a lot of our emotions with us and only let a select few get close to us. and yes you have to pass many a test before we even decide to let you in. we are moody and crabby and when things get to heavy for us we can become mean. i think his text wasn't meant to be mean but that was his way of giving himself space. it took some of the pressure off since he is dealing with other things right now. he is showing the signs he is interested but i think he is just in a confused state right now. no car, finances, exfiance, sisters friend, etc..
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so my advice to you is to keep doing what you have been doing and don't act like he has the best of you. continue to be friends with his sister and in fact just be there as a friend for him. tell him you understand his situation about his exfiance and that you also understand he might not want to get close to you because you are his sisters friend. by laying it out there you are building trust whether you know it or not. he will remember your honesty and might even start to come closer to you because he doesn't feel that pressure of having to be in a relationship with you right now. let him know you are truly being there just as a friend and nothing more. he is trying to figure a lot of things out for himself so be patient. we hate bothering other people with our problems so we take a lot on ourselves which sometimes is not very healthy. we can easily get stressed out. just try to see things from his point of view at the moment and go with the flow. but where he is at right now i think understanding and patience on your part will go a long way...
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oh and just because we cancers have to feel things out doesn't mean we don't think or analyze people or situations a lot. probably sometimes to much :-)
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Lady Scorp - I'm a taurus. The thing with him texting me like that was that he was playing it off like he was mad at me for something I said so I was trying to call him and explain that I hadn't meant it the way he took it - but apparenttly he was trying to make me mad at him I guess because it would be easier than telling me he had a girlfriend - he figured I would just get pissed and not want to talk to him.
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krobe - that's why I was asking, I'm not scared off by his behacior at all - I just didn't know if I should take it as him being a typical cancer or if I just wasn't taking the hint.
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krobe - that's why I was asking, I'm not scared off by his behacior at all - I just didn't know if I should take it as him being a typical cancer or if I just wasn't taking the hint
Then hold on 2 your seatbelt, because IF U let him, he will take you for a ride. That is the big "IF" in at phrase though.
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I meant in that phrase. Just don't get 2 personal on the behavior. If U stay out of the way and back off without making him feel captured or pressure about ANY thing he will come around. U have 2 have patience. Plus U R a taurus I have read in astrology that U R a favorable union. However, astrology is just a guide. I believe any 2 people can make it if they put time into it.
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ah see - that is precisely why I posed this question specifically to YOU cansir.....everything that you have said is what I thought was going on, but I needed an outside objective opinion and I've noticed in your messages that you [like me] don't necessisarily jump tto the "he's just a complete ass" conclusion like a lot of people tend to do.You're answer was honest and thoughtful and really helped me feel a lot better - when I've gone into the bar to see him [which I've only done about once a month....not too much I don't think....] I've tried to show him that I care but not be too pushy....just let him know that like you said I'm there for him as a friend if he needs me. I was just afraid that maybe he was just being nice to me and all he really wanted was for me to just go away.
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Krobe - I wasn't planning on seeing him or talking to him right now - not if he has a girlfriend - but I'm a bit frustrated because his birthday is coming up and I feel like if I even sent him a text message to say happy birthday I'll piss him off.....but yes - taurus cancer is a very good match - and it's true any two signs can make it work if they take the time to be observant of the possible conflicts in their personalities....it's just that most people can't be bothered to do that......lucky for me taurus/cancer is such a good match there is hardly any conflict to avoid...hardly.....
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oh and I should mention that the ex fiance was years ago - I brought it up because I know it's something he doesn't like to talk about - like I said he won't even tell his sister what happened, so it seemed strange to me that he would share that information with ME.
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Krobe - I wasn't planning on seeing him or talking to him right now - not if he has a girlfriend - but I'm a bit frustrated because his birthday is coming up and I feel like if I even sent him a text message to say happy birthday I'll piss him off.....but yes - taurus cancer is a very good match - and it's true any two signs can make it work if they take the time to be observant of the possible conflicts in their personalities....it's just that most people can't be bothered to do that......lucky for me taurus/cancer is such a good match there is hardly any conflict to avoid...hardly.....
Don't believe that U will not have a conflict with any one because ALL relationships dealing with another person is hard work.
Y don't U want 2 still talk 2 him if he has a girlfriend? U will probably do better with supporting him through this. Don't put him under the impression that U want him 2 B your man. That is another way, that he won't feel like U R pressuring him. However, being their even though he has a girlfriend will let him C that U R not jealous or feel insecure about him having a girlfriend. I bet if U had a boyfriend, he will still B there 4 U.
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"Don't believe that U will not have a conflict with any one because ALL relationships dealing with another person is hard work. " - that's why I said hardly.
I didn't mean to imply that I didn't WANT to talk to him.....he told his sister that it would be better if I didn't call him or text message him because it looks bad since he has a girlfriend..... jealous though I may be, I really enjoy his company and would still love to be able to go see him and talk to him either way.
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I didn't mean to imply that I didn't WANT to talk to him.....he told his sister that it would be better if I didn't call him or text message him because it looks bad since he has a girlfriend..... jealous though I may be, I really enjoy his company and would still love to be able to go see him and talk to him either way.
Oh just give him some space then. He will come back around if it is meant 2 B.
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the text thing might have been done to make you mad at him. we would rather have you upset at us than have to deal with any confrontation. we hate confrontations of any sort but don't get me wrong we will if we have to. that is one thing i love about being a cancer. we can be soft, sensitive, caring, understanding, loving, etc.. but when push comes to shove we won't back down. of course we enjoy being lovers not fighters but never underestimate us :-) that is why you girls can't get enough of us..haha just kidding..
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"that is why you girls can't get enough of us..haha just kidding.."
actullay that is quite true - that's one of the things I really love him - he's emotional and sensitive, but at the same time don't try push him around ! I love cancer men men - I think they are the perfect combination of sensitivity and strength.
I didn't get the text message thing at first....since I didn't know about the girlfriend I really thought he was mad at me - then I mesdsaged him and told him that I wanted to explain but was afraid to call him because I didn't want to piss him off even more - and I also told him that what he said really hurt me and made me cry.....the next day hye asked his sister to tell me about the girlfriend..... my first thought was "oh.....he wasn't really mad at me, he was trying to make me mad at him...."
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Redrovertoo,
Hey, don't tempt me like that girl. This man has been waiting 4 9 months. LOL! OOOOH! It's gonna B good. LOL!
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would you ladies like to go to macdonalds and get some big macs? I'm sure we can track down some starving children for you to eat them in front of ;0)
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cancer men...ughhhhhh...I'm really starting to hate them now....
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sarasa - my experience has been that is what they want - from what I can tell [ and cansir can correct me if I'm wrong...because I DO need to know....] they intentionally try to push as many people as possible away because they figure you're going to hurt them in the end might as well get rid of you now......and for those with enough patience to get through that behavior they figured you've earned all the love and affection they have to offer....that is my viewpoint....but then I suppose if I were entirely sure I wouldn't have started this thread......I'm very insecure......
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sarasa you just haven't found the right one yet :-)
xangelfishx you are correct. we have a big fear of rejection and are too very insecure when it comes to our emotions. we keep you at a distance to protect ourselves and avoid getting hurt. if we don't let you get close and things don't work out then we have not really invested any emotions which makes it easier to walk away. bottom line is yeah it takes a lot of patience and understanding to get through our hard shells. but once we have let you ooohhh our soft creamy centers are so good..haha..try not to get frustrated with us (i know not easy) instead try to reassure us.
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LOL - the only problem is you boys make it hard to tell when you're seaking reassurance versus when you simply want us to GO AWAY.......
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I feel like a deer caught in headlights....not sure which way to go....
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yeah i understand the dilemma. we can be pretty convincing when we say things. if we want you to go away you will not hear from us again. ok at least until whoever or whatever that is occupying our time or mind at that moment starts to bore us :-)
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I'm drifting around this site right now because I can't sleep....but see - that's exactly my point - my friend [ the cancer's sister] asked me why I think he was acting like he was interested....she's convinced if he was he would have just come right out and said so......but my way of thinking was that if he didn't want to see or talk to me, he wouldn't have given me his phone number [ I didn't ask for it....] and he wouldn't always be hugging me.... when I saw him friday he told me about his ex because he was telling me about how he would be done with a girl immediately if she ever cheated on him....now I know about that whole asking questions and making comments for specific reasons....when he told me all that I kind of saw it as his way of warning me that he wouldn't tolerste that sort of behavior, and also doing that looking for sympathy thing.....and when I left that night he was like "okay come give me hugs" and he hugged me but not like quickly then backing away....he hugged me then kept his arma round me as he continued talking to me, no attempt to move away.... I had NO reason to think he had a girlfriend the way he was bahaving with me - and he has a lot of female friends, why does he only think it's looks bad if I talk to him? I thought perhaps it was because he felt guilty with me because he does like me..... the behavior is sooo confusing because I know how self-protective and shy cancers can be, and the way he acts with me just seems like he keeps getting closer - then all of a sudden he backs off completely because of his new girlfriend......but he certainly didn't act like he had a girlfriend.....
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hmmm...I have been waiting....but the guy just disappeared on me, for weeksSad...we talked pretty much every day for a year...and then, woooshhhh...outta nowhere, he was gone! Am playing it cool though. I don't call, don't email, don't text! If he wants, he comes back otherwise, his loss! hahhahaaha.....am trying to emotionally detach myself from him....and it's sorta working, atleast making me feel better:-)...but makes no sense to me....he seemed to show interest and when I indirectly showed interest (just the way he does), it's like he freaked out and backed off....as if there was nothing from his end....LOL....oh well, am trying to figure them out just like everyone else who is having issues with cancerian men!
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I posted this on another thread also
Hey,
I am trying 2 let U ladies know, that Cancer men R cautious. U HAVE 2 know how 2 feel this man or he is going 2 shut you out until U can pick up on him. He is not playing games. U R rushing! Be patient. This behavior is just his cautious mechanisms 2 protect his vulnerabilities. If U focus on YOU, and don't fall so easily into this, he will sense that U R not threatened by his need 2 know that he can feel comfortable with U. And Y would U want 2 chase after a man who U say, treats U badly. He is not treating U badly. He is protecting himself. He is already a sensitive man himself. He does not need all this emotional drama. Period. U have 2 know how 2 B in control of yourself. I am not going 2 tell U ladies how 2 act. Just give U some insight that if U can just remember, to not take his behavior personal and sense out that he is cautious so he is not going 2 rush into nothing. Then U will B fine. If U R a rush 2 him. He probably will B with U, until something more challenging comes along. SO B a turtle. Move real slow. He will pick up on that and want 2 give U all his time.
U 2 will have 2 function as 1 unit. He will need 2 know that if he feels in this void 4 U, can U pick up on him and fill in that void 4 him. Then he will know that U need him and come 2 U. Not U go 2 him. Hey, I am not having any problems. Mines calls me and comes 2 me everyday. I don't even have 2 call him. I don't have 2 chase him down. He is willing 2 give me his time and he opens up alot 2 me. Just B honest! Tell him what U want. I understand him. And he needs someone who can go with his flow.
If U R insecure, U can forget it, U have 2 have control of that. If U rush, U can forget that, He will sense out when he thinks U R ready. Move slow ladies. Find something else 2 do with your time and don't worry about it. Chill out, with patience. He will B throwing his time at U. He has 2 sense that U understand him. Do U not think that he does not know he is complex. LOL!
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Sarasa - I mentioned in the begining that I had known a cancer who bahaved a in a very similar way but that we no longer talk - the problem was his friends - I could handle him but I couldn't handle them, but that guy would typically call me or text me every six months or so out of the blue just to check on me..... a lot of the girls that hang out with his friends hit on him, but he won't even go on a date with them - I know he liked me, but yes he was VERY slow moving and he hasn't had a girlfriend or dated anyone since and that was 2003 - and even at that point I think it had been like two years since he dated anyone, when all these people are saying how slowly cancers move they are NOT kidding. That's not to say all cancers are as bad as THAT - but you get the idea......
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"He is not playing games. U R rushing!"
you mentioned that you had posted this elsewhere - and you've also said once or twice here that you thought I might be rushing him - the thing is the only attempt
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hey - I wasn't done with that......
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"He is not playing games. U R rushing!"
you mentioned that you had posted this elsewhere - and you've also said once or twice here that you thought I might be rushing him - the thing is the only attempt I made was when I gave him my phone number - other than that I have only acted like a friend to him and been receptive to HIS flirting and affection - but I haven't pushed him at all. That's what really concerns me about this other girl - from what he told his sister she was pretty agressive and now he's dating her again even though she was the one who broke up with him before......I have been very patient with him and though I haven't dated him before I have known him longer than this other girl.....the way he acts with ME is as a typical cancer - but his actions where this other girl are concerned really throw me for a loop.....
I hope it's just like cansir said - that she is comforting to him right now because she is familiar.....if that is the case I don't think I have anything to worry about - but I'm concerned. I'm VERY picky when it comes to the guys I date. I haven't even gone on a date since my last boyfriend and I broke up, that was almost two years ago - I'm very slow moving myself and choose men very carefully.....
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Yeah,
But I thought U said that U would go 2 the club he was at once a month and hang out with his sister at his house. Did U say that? I am not sure, but this may B raising that Cancer radar. LOL! Whew, U have got 2 B able 2 pick up on him in a challenging way. Its like U R thinking and feeling the same exact thing, however, U R moving as 1 unit with him. If U can't pick up on that. U R gonna have 2 wait. Going 2 the bar he was at whether it was 2 C him or not may have not been good. Giving him your number may have not been good. Mines picked up my cell and looked inside my cell until he found my number. LOL! I did not give him anything. However, U have 2 be able to mentally and emotionally pick up on this man. He is not going 2 give U his time or open up 2 U until U can start 2 pick up on his clues. U have 2 pay attention 2 detail. So now, it is like go ahead with your life. Go out, have fun. Once he sees U R not "thinking" about that other woman, oh by the way that is letting him know U R not possessive, he will pick up on this. We R talking about a man who has some good experience with the right words. If U miss the clue, U R not ready. U HAVE 2 pay attention 2 detail. Cancer men don't play games. U have 2 understand him.
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oh PS
Hold of on that sex and those questions that he has set out leading 2 sex. U R in control of that thang girl. Its like if U want it, U better start opening up, If U want it, U better start stepping correct. If U want ME, U better act like it. Or at least make Me "think" U R acting right..LOL!
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xangelfishx take it from Krobe, this woman has been working on her Cancer for months with no sexual contact, nothing! LOL!! This woman has mastered the art of knowing how to deal with a Cancer.
Cansir is phenomenal and I believe he has helped krobe out through her cancer experience!
::batting eyes at cansir:: LOL!
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"But I thought U said that U would go 2 the club he was at once a month and hang out with his sister at his house. Did U say that? I am not sure"
I don't hang out with him and his sister - his sister is my best friend, that's how I met him, but she lives about 70 miles away and he lives right down the street from me - so even though he is near by I don't see him much - so that night when he was being really attentive to me my friend told me she thought he liked me and I should go out with him but that he's really shy because he's been hurt pretty badly - apparently his girlfriends break up with him because he's clingy - so I went and gave him my phone number because I thought he would be too shy to ask and I never know when the next time I see him will be.
I've gone in to the restaurant and had dinner and talked to him a couple of times [ which I figured was probably an average of about once a month - maybe not] but only acted as a friend - not trying to push him about dating or anything.
but that's what's been confusing me - HE always flirts and is really affectionate - even though I'm just friendly with him.
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tiki - I've noticed - that's why I labled the thread "question for cansir" though I GREATLY appreciate EVERYONE'S advice I mostly wanted to know what cansir's take on this was.
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I notice a lot of women using methods that simply aren't working, cancers need to never see you in order to miss you, these creatures have to have a lot of space and I mean alot, you can't take them literally, meaning if he's showing affection move away from him immediately, seems mean but it shows him you have boundaries and not to step to you like that unless he's going to follow through which you know he isn't. I know krobe would hardly smile at her cancer even though she was feeling him, she would even be mean and he chased her more. It seems that you have to do the opposite to lure some cancer men, they like things they clearly can't have, if you had said listen you can't be my man, I have a man, he would have chased you to hell and back to make you his. If your openly responding to his gestures, he doesn't see much fun in that. Next time you see him, pretend he isn't in the room, do the exact opposite of what you normally do and I guarantee you will see a different guy come out.
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yeah it oozing cum see redrover. and krobe u can join too
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BK u nasty LOL!!
cum see what?
I guess I'm nasty too *giggling*
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I know.........but I miss his hugs......
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Hey i'm cancer gotta luv me,lol. mwaaah yeah i agree. we need our space we will miss u uif u haven't called. Do not play those head games,not needed if we like u we will show it. Taurus women and cancer men do indeed seem to do really good but please if u say we are friends act like it, do not give us mixed messages. And yes if u like ooze you should see the spray.SPLASHOOOOOO!!!
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blacknoxx - HE was the one saying he didn't want a girlfriend but basically acting like I WAS his girlfriend whenever I saw him....... I was only acting like a friend.
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