Serious or not?

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by Summer on Tuesday, August 7, 2007 and has 33 replies.
I feel like my cancer plays too much to the point that he annoys the hell outta me. Is that mean he isn't serious about me? Whenever I wanted to talk serious, he'd still joke around and he doesn't want to have any type of relationship conversation. He just tells me to enjoy what we have and stop analyzing things. HOw can you tell if they are serious about you or not? I just can't get it out of him to tell me how he feels. We've been actually good since some of everyone's advice here helped me to deal with his crabby attitude lol and thanks. HOwever, I just need re-assurance from him. ONce in a blue moon he'd say something and I know how he's feeling but why is it when I want to talk to him, he keeps me in the dark. Is there something i'm doing wrong that he cannot be open with me?
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Summer...get out of my head. My Cancer doesn't annoy me when he plays too much although I'm starting to see that he might very well want to know that he is annoying you because that is a response from you and that's what he wants (think 2nd grade boy pulls girl's hair on the playground). I just joke with him and laugh when I can. Though Im starting to figure I should probably listen a little closer to what he says when he's "just joking".
I'm working through the same "distance" with my Cancer and what keeps me going and knowing that he is really interested is his actions (more so than his words) and my ability and confidence in the trust that I have in him. He's established himself as very loyal and trustworthy and his integrity means a lot to him...this is the main reason why I can let him be himself and not try to control what happens so much. Don't get me wrong I don't have it figured out cuz if you read a couple topics down I'm asking questions about asking for reassurance and what goes on during Cancer alone time. And I plan on asking him for reassurance to help deal with his "alone time". He's pretty reasonable about meeting requests, your Cancer might be too.
I dont think its so much something he has against "you" in particular it just a defense mechanism. He wants to see that he can trust you before he will open up and really let you in. Think about it, the more you reveal yourself the more vulnerable you become. I tried telling my Cancer how trustworthy I am and how loyal and dedicated I would be, and he was listening but he was skeptical...he wants it in proof pudding (the proof is in the pudding) and not words. So if he's worth it just let him set the pace and let him feel you out until he's good and comfy in your ability to accept him and hold his fragile heart.
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Summer,
Ask Cansir! If you want to know about a Cancer man, ask a Cancer man. LOL! Yeah, Cansir will tell you that Cancer men love to try to push your patience! It is just so they can find a middle point(to annoy the hell out of you) LOL! Just continue to not let it bother you and bust out laughing each and everytime he pisses you off!
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you won't know if we are serious or not until we tell you. it takes us a long time to gain trust cause of our feelings and the fear of being hurt. so we joke and act sarcastic in order to protect ourselves. until he feels comfortable enough to tell you how he feels it will continue to be a guessing game. if he is with you then he obviously likes you but his feelings are something totally different from the relationship so respect them and don't push to hard or he will start to feel uncomfortable or annoyed. my exwife used to go nuts cause i would avoid any topic i did not feel like discussing. so when i was younger it was a lot easier for me to sweep things under the rug and hope they went away rather than dealing with it..
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Thank you Cansir, your advice is appreciated!
I don't know Summer, alot of people think and feel differently about certain things or situations. I guess we think alot alike in your situation. I want to hear it from the horses mouth pertaining to relationships. I want to know what do you want from me but I need to know upfront. Cansir really gives good advice about Cancer men and yes, I am honest enough to say he has helped me out many of times. He is right, Cancer men will not open up to you until they are ready or feel comfortable enough to reveal their true feelings. If you just be patient and let him lead the way, he will eventually tell you what he wants. I can say one thing, these men are some really honest creatures. Yeah, he will beat around the bush but if you just give him time, he will express his feelings.
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He's already told me before that he loved me so why can't he say it again unless he doesn't feel the same way anymore. His reason was "because you freaked out" which I didn't. NOw all I hear from him is complaints about things I do or don't do. There's always something that I'm doing wrong? IS there any signs or something when cancer's trying to get out of a relationship? I know I'm thinking crazy but why else would he complain so much? I feel like he's never satisfied of anything, All my attention is on him but he wants more but what do I get from him? more complaints and his attitude problem and I have to be the understanding girlfriend all the time. HIs recent complaint was I never initiate sex!? I think he wants to complain about that because I'm not questioning him anymore, so he finds something else to complain about.
He knows that he can trust me, I have not done a single thing for him to doubt my devotion and love for him. He isn't the only one who is scared to get hurt if that's the case, I am also scared but that is why I'm trying to open up to him but he still doesn't see this.
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He's already told me before that he loved me so why can't he say it again unless he doesn't feel the same way anymore. His reason was "because you freaked out" which I didn't. NOw all I hear from him is complaints about things I do or don't do. There's always something that I'm doing wrong? IS there any signs or something when cancer's trying to get out of a relationship? I know I'm thinking crazy but why else would he complain so much? I feel like he's never satisfied of anything, All my attention is on him but he wants more but what do I get from him? more complaints and his attitude problem and I have to be the understanding girlfriend all the time. HIs recent complaint was I never initiate sex!? I think he wants to complain about that because I'm not questioning him anymore, so he finds something else to complain about.
He knows that he can trust me, I have not done a single thing for him to doubt my devotion and love for him. He isn't the only one who is scared to get hurt if that's the case, I am also scared but that is why I'm trying to open up to him but he still doesn't see this.
Well start dogging his arse. LOL! Truthfully I hate to admit it but it works for me like a charm. Treat him like butter, if he does not appreciate you, then he never will if you let him take you for granted. If he does not appreciate you then why bother to continue with being devoted to a man who is not worthy. No, I am not asking you to take my advice but I have guess I have experienced what works and does not work and NO, you cannot be to nice to these men.
You can be nice to Cansir though!
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Oh PS,
And if you treat him like butter, he will open up to you alot more, just don't scream or holler at him when you are mad! Laugh everytime!
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Summer:
Please believe me you are doing nothing wrong...welcome to the world of Cancer! As loveable as they are they can be selfish, mean and downright obnoxious! I have been on and off with a cancer for about 2 years now and nothing has changed. He treats me like a queen one minute and like butter the next but i have learned not to question myself but to respect the fact that he is a strange little creature!!! lol! In two years the first time he told me that he "cared for me a lot" (his way of saying i love u), was a month ago and even then it was in joke form (learn to dissect the truth in his jokes). He once greeted me on a date by playfully punching me in the arm...lol(that's romance for you)...don't worry i gave him a good whack in return! My cancer has a very tough outer shell and seems almost incapable of coming out of it but dont let that scare you, deep down they crave attention, affection and trust. My cancer tests me all the time but i don't ever take on his challenges, i just do me and in doing me i teach him who i really am and what i will and will not accept. DO NOT go out of your way to try and please your cancer because i'm sorry to say they just can't be pleased. The more you give is the more they want because they don't usually know what they want themselves, so only give what makes you comfortable, he'll get over the rest and start to respect you. When he decides to retreat in that infamous shell(which is quite often), i no longer worry about it, i simply leave him alone but the trick is when he decides to come back out and play...leave him to play on his own for a while! He won't like it but tough love is what its about. My cancer only lets me know how he feels when he's about to lose me(again)!!! Always remember Cancer's are like rebellious teenagers, expect them to do the opposite of anything you require. This is how they feel in control. The objective is for you to be in control without them ever knowing it. Good luck!
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Remember Cancers hide behind their jokes because they fear rejection but they are also funny people with a dry sense of humour (when they are not hiding in their shells)...so i would take anything he say's with a pinch of salt and try not to analyze so much. If a Cancer has a problem in a relationship, trust me you'll know...if they're sharp tongue don't get you those damn crab pinchers will!
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He treats me like a queen one minute and like butter the next but i have learned not to question myself but to respect the fact that he is a strange little creature!!!
LOL! Yeah, that about sums up the equation! This is a TRUE Cancer male characteristic. Just when he "thinks" he is going to treat you like butter, disappear on his arse!
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I actually know first hand about being treated as a Queen by a Cancer male, this is a FALSE persona and this is what captures a womans heart and soon gives her a headache and stomach ache, cancers can be your dream up until his real self appears so he can play that part for months or even years in some cases, just when your comfortable he's going to pull out his real face and he will never be the person he was ever and women find themselves chasing that dream down...DON'T BE FOOLED, anyway it turned out he never really liked me LOL! This guy hugged me, held me as a friend, consoled me, spent days and hours with me, we had a deep mental connection and turns out he never cared too much for me and this was strictly friendship, go figure, all I can say is good luck!! Of course I was shocked to find this out because we only had good good times with one another, great conversation, great food and drink, hung out at some really cool places, I have never met a person that can spend all day and in some case days b/c i was visiting with a person and pull off the i like you, your the best face ALL DAY LONG lol! Not just on one occasion but many visits...some cancers (especially young ones) are master manipulators, good luck on trying to figure out if they like you or not or love you or not, I say find something else to do, date other people, notice I said date not sleep with, get a hobby and spend time with family and friends, don't kill your brain cells trying to figure it out.
being super nice to this sign just doesn't cut it, this sign will dog you out for being nice, immature cancers hold resentment and contempt for people who are too nice, most cancers are moody and melancholy and they appear to want nice but deep down inside most think your stupid for loving them and doing good by them...weird and backwards because in all actuality they don't have a high self esteem image within themselves and hold contempt towards the nice girl that can't see he has emotional issues, well you think you love them into healing but nope not this sign, dog him out and he will love you b/c you will be appealing to how he feels about himself on a subconscious level.
basically stop being so nice (:
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let me clarify that I don't mean all cancers b/c their are some cancer males that have grew beyond the need to drive people insane out of the sheer pleasure and joy that they get from it but if your with a cancer male that is dogging you out, being elusive and evasive, not fulfilling your needs or being super sweet to frankenstein every other week or day, then these are the kind that you can't be nice too ALL the time, if your the nice type then he's not going to respect you, distance yourself, dog him out or get rid of him, don't be afraid to be mean, doesn't mean yelling and be erraticly emotional, just means when he's misbehaving nip that a $ $ from time to time, he will respect you for it, deep down inside a cancer male craves a woman that can be this way, it shows she is emotionally mature and isn't reliant on his emotions to feed her soul.
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Tiki33:
You are so right, when i first met my cancer i tried to be nice all the time even when i didn't want to be...these were the times in our relationship where he dogged me out the most. It was like i was scared to upset him...well, well, times have changed! Now i no longer take his BS and call him out in a minute when he's acting up...and guess what? He can't get enough! Funny now i find he does a lot of the chasing while I remain evasive until it suits me! Bugs the hell out of him but at the same time gives him a taste of his own medicine. For e.g. the other day he calls me wanting to see me and i responded with a nonchalant attitude. He got upset and told me that i was acting as if i didn't give a butter so he was going to put the phone down. I said ok then, told him to enjoy his evening and put the phone down. 10 minutes later i get a call demanding to know why i put the phone down and begging me to come see him, i still made him wait for a couple of days because i didn't appreciate the way he spoke to me and i told him so too! Let's say that by the time i got to his house, he was like a puppy dog in my hands, tongue hanging out just waiting for me to toss him a treat! lol
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Merc: As usual your input was so helpful and enlightening! Oh and congratulations on learning the last letter of the alpahabet! Keep up the good work and they might upgrade you from Kindergarten next year!
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Well Well stop it ladies!
Your advice is just to dayum good for other people to hear about and what are you trying to prove. Stop pushing so much advice around!
Now, anyway
Yeah, I have experienced some of the SAME exact situations that you ladies are TRUTHFULLY being honest about and I mean some of the SAME things. I just did not fall into his manipulation from day one to now! NO, I have been saying it all alone that you cannot treat a CANCER man too NICE! You cannot sit up trying to prove to him you are trustworthy of all his so called loyalty tests. I feel like you ladies, I have nothing to prove, either you like me or don't. I do the same things and I don't know it works for me and yes, he is a puppy dog once you LET him come back to you (on your terms, of course).
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Venuslady you crack me up, I like how you crack the whip so to speak on your cancer, your teaching him how to love you and how to respect you unfortunately this is what is needed when dealing with men that haven't mastered his emotions, I'm picking up on your behavior and taking pointers because my habit is being nice ALL the time and so I'm trying to break from that nice girl persona, you seem to have managed to not fall into that trap, good for you, keep it up!
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lol I think what you're sayin Venus is a point to remember with all men, you can be nice, you can be sweet and you can be giving...but if he's acting up call him out! You shouldnt take mess off of anyone, much less any man. I like that you mentioned that doesn't mean acting like a psycho cookiemonster lol. I can tell my Cancer likes when I get on him when he isn't doing right, whether its in our relationship or just in life...and a lot of times I think he's planning on doing something until I stop saying "I dont like when you do that" and I say "negro if you don't stop actin like a jackass I'm going to cut you!". Sometimes I oblige him (even if its just feigned) and go off and other times I just shake my head and let my unresponsiveness speak for itself. I don't take it too seriously like I would back in the day but when I know that's what he's waiting for me to do I'll suck it up and go off on him just to give him the attention he wants.
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lol I'm going to try it out and see if you're right Merc lol. I think with my guy I have to find a balance between yanking him around but doing it respectfully...I guess being more stern than mean.
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nevermind imma just cut him
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nevermind imma just cut him....SWEETS LOL!
Give his arse a good cutting! LOL! He will love and cherish the ground you walk on if you treat him that way! LOL! These men are just to dayum beautiful to be treated so cruel. Dayum, oh well if he likes a cookiemonster, I guess you gotta love a Cancer man. Gotta love him.
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lol I know Krobe, he just doesn't understand how much of a cookiemonster I used to be and how Im trying to change. Whenever I try to tell him he just says "you wont be able to do it" probably because he doesn't want me to! I told yall this is the same man that insists I must punish him. He's too cute, but like I said, I can certainly show that side of me if that's what he wants.
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lol I know Krobe, he just doesn't understand how much of a cookiemonster I used to be and how Im trying to change. Whenever I try to tell him he just says "you wont be able to do it" probably because he doesn't want me to! I told yall this is the same man that insists I must punish him. He's too cute, but like I said, I can certainly show that side of me if that's what he wants.
LOL! Well from reading these posts with women complaining about basically the same things. I say what the hell....cut his arse. LOL! I know exactly how you feel but I don't understand why you just can't be nice. I think Tikki pretty much hit on the head when she said being nice to these men just does not "cut it". I don't know, I know alot of Cancer males who don't fit the so called "typical" Cancer male description. It's just too bad the Cancer friend I know has Cancer male characteristics. SAD, SAD!
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I had my little sister's party yesterday and he didn't want to come but i kind of forced him so he came but all the way there until he got there, he's all pissed off. I think mainly because he was calling me and my phone was "off" i explained to him when i got to his house that my phone died. but yea he was in the bad mood all day.. i served him, i was all nice to him just to lighten up his mood, but he still cranky as hell. He was giving me attitude the whole time, but i ask him if he was mad and i was sorry.. he told me "no i'm not, why should i be?" (when he doesnt show mad, he just purposely get me mad because i got him mad eventhough i didn't do it in purpose) Grrrrr... but he was quiet as hell...that's what i hate the most when he doesn't say anything. ok, didn't show him any reaction that time but later on that day i've had it, i told him that i was going somewhere with my girls and i'll see you at your house. When i got to his house, he was quiet, didn't say anything but served me ice cream and we relaxed in his room. NOt a word from him, we just cuddle. anywayz I don't know if i hurt his feelings by leaving him, I am usually on his side and we are always together but last night i've just had it with the moodiness and left him(i did tell him I was leaving, i didn't just up and leave without a word)i don't want him to pushhhhhh all my buttons to get me mad because i feel like i hurt him for leaving him there but what else can I do. GRrrR.. i just want to strangle him sometimes.
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Summer:
You go girl! You were right...leave his moody crabby ass right there...he'll get over it! One thing i have noticed when dealing with these lil creatures is not to try to force them out of their moods, it only aggravates them. Leave him be, ask him once what's wrong, if he say's nothing...then go on about your business. If he complains later that you didn't care, remind him that you asked what was wrong and he said "NOTHING". So what if your phone was off? has his phone never been off? The sad thing is he probably doesn't even know why he's mad himself. It could be a million reasons or none at all. When cancers are in a mood they often want to piss people off around them, so its best to take yourself away from the volatile area. He'll snap out of it when he's ready, until then ignore him. Oh and feel free to strangle him anytime...it will probably turn him on. lol!
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sorry people that I am ventinggggg.. but cancer's are the moodiness. but i still love him, oh why oh why lol
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Yeah, sometimes i ask him, why he is mad? he'll be like i don't even know myself. and yeaahh i will strangle him one of these days cuz i can't take his moodiness anymore. lol
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{Krobe Quoted} You cannot sit up trying to prove to him you are trustworthy of all his so called loyalty tests. {End Quote}


Hey Krobe
What do you mean by this? As you all know my situation, my cancer guy wants to see me again, but I haven't seen him yet. One day I was leaving out of my house and he drove by. He lives in another township 45 minutes away, so I know he made a special trip past my house. He didn't think that I recognized him because he is in a new car. But I knew it was him. I got into my car and tried to catch up to him. He tried to play things off by parking and I just kept on going LOL.
Anyway, a few days ago I was sitting on my porch and he drove by again. I pretended not to notice him and he did the same. I think he was just checking for my car and trying to see what I'm up to since I haven't been calling him or texting him very much (thanks to your advice) LOL
So I think he drives past my house to see if I am loyal... to see if maybe I have guys coming in and out.. etc LOL...(cute)
So what is the right way to handle this kind of loyalty test? I've been acting as though I didn't notice him. lol And I haven't told him that I know he drives past my house.
Capricorn Mermaid
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Hey, Capicorn Mermaid
What I mean by loyalty tests are doing things that he wants you to do to prove that you are a loyal person. He might ask you do a favor for him which can be something very small, to something huge. If you want to prove to him that you are loyal, do what he wants you to do. Just don't get upset if he rejects your act of kindness for him. But, I wouldn't go out my way to prove everything that he wants.
If you want to see him (which I know you do) just give him a call or wait for him to call you. I know it is hard to ignore the feelings of wanting to see him, but it may be good if you let him pursue you. If you like pursuing men, then give him a call. You don't have to listen to ALL my advice, I make suggestions but dang girl I am in the same boat you are in at this present moment. I want to call him and keep the conversation lite but he might think I am desperate and think "I want him". VenusLady says, don't call make him sweat, LOL! But, do what you feel is best, I love for men to pursue me. Cansir has told me Cancer men like to be pursued so they will know you are interested.
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crab23 said it..our pride and stubborness is a truly a downfall. gosh i could kick myself a lot for letting them get the best of me..
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you are so right crab23 :-)
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Why is it that he says NO most of the time to everything I request? FOr example, when I ask him to come to my house.. his answer is always NO, like he is soooooooo lazy to get out of his house. I'm also jealous of his female co-worker, although she is married and everything but he is just so nice to her, really nice....and why can't he be like that with me? I realized this the day I first met her at the bbq last saturday because things that I would do that he usually gets mad about when she did it, he just didn't care?! she lives an hour and half from us, he drove all the way there for a bbq.... I don't understand why I feel like, he isn't giving me importance. I don't know if its a leo thing, that I gotta be the center of his attention but I really just feel like he likes her more than me. I mean I did appreciate that he took me there with him to meet them and everything but...He was recording her on his phone when she was laughing hysterical at some movie we were watching later on that day? WHY would he record her??? yeahhh she was laughing like a lunatic but why would he record her? I don't understand.... i just think he has a thing for her. Maybe I am being paranoid but he agrees with her most of the time and he neverrrrrrr agree with me. Are they nicer to friends than to their girlfriends? When we were friends, we got along so much better until he decided that we could be more and he became such a different person.
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Summer - he's showing you a side of himself he won't show to other people because he trusts you to accept him the way he is. And as far as not going to your house - he is a cancer - he LOVES his home.... but the inportant thing is he trusts you enough to let you into it. Who goes to whose home is hardly the important thing. If it IS that important to you then maybe a cancer man is not the right man for you - but the only thing you can really do f it bothers you that much is tell him and see what happens. As far as him liking his co-worker more, she is his co=woker, he has to get along with her because they [cancers] don't like conflicts - but realistically aren't there things you can tolerate ina friend that you can't in a boyfriend? I don't think he likes her more - I think she is just on a dofferent level... a lower level. and as far as recording her laughing - he probably just thought it sounded hilarious. He may even play it back at work to tease her or something.
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