should i send this message to my cancer man?

Hi,
I have been having issues with my cancer man.

Background:Been going out for about 6 months, got to him meet my parents around new years. Haven't met his. Things were going well at the beginning, everything seemed perfect. I randomly punched his friend when I was drunk at the very beginning and he told me not to do it again but it seemed like it wasn't too big of a deal.

Lately, we've been hanging out less and less. Last weekend, I got mad at him and didn't speak to him for a day or two (we usually chat everyday online) because I wanted to go to Coachella and so did he, but he wanted to go boys only and exclude me. So I was hurt because I was the one who brought up that it was gunna be fun this year and maybe he'd wanna invite his friends too (in addition to me going) and somehow I got excluded. So I was mad but we talked and it seemed fine. To make it up to me, in general I just wanted to go out and hang out with him and his friends more cause it's usually fun. We only see each other every other weekend, so I expect that one of the nights is for me to hang out with him and another night is for him and his own friends. But lately, he will get really drunk with his friends and be too tired to do anything with me the next day. This weekend, I thought he'd make it up to me, but instead he got drunk with his friends friday night. Saturday morning, he says he's coming over. But 4 hours later, he still hasn't and is in fact super drunk again with his friends and apparently too drunk to even communicate with me (not to mention didn't invite me). I've been patient and trying to nicely be like let's do something today or lets go do something fun with your friends, instead of getting mad or being blatantly pushy. But then he brings up the punching thing like he won't be comfortable with me there if I'm going to punch people. So then I'm like super mad cause he's blown me off all day and confused cause I don't know if he will ever get over the punching thing and wanna have me hang out with him and his friends ever again. So now i'm the one apologizing somehow and hes unresponsive. (continued in next post)

So the next day, I send him a message like if you don't wanna come over, just say no and if you don't wanna see each other anymore then say so. Then he says hes coming over. I ask when? About every hour I get an update like "after this movie", "after this burrito". 4 hours later he finally comes. Gives me a hug and kiss, no sorry. He didn't like when I got mad last week (he says he likes to just ignore problems) and so I just tried to be happy that he was here and watch a movie with him, but I still felt horribly uncomfortable with the thought that he might think it's acceptable behavior to put me through that. So, we kissed a little bit and then he left to go home (he lives an hour away).

I went online last night and he didn't chat me up like normal (if he was really ignoring the problem). I can't tell if this is part of the pulling away thing. Like maybe I shouldn't have had him meet my parents. And maybe I shouldnt put so much pressure to have me invited to his outings with his friends (other guys bring their girlfriends). I can't tell if I should just leave him alone and he will come back on his own or if its too late for that? Part of me wants to leave him alone but I also feel like I SHOULD let him know that it upset me, so I'm wondering if I should send this message to him.

He and I are kinda silly, so if the message is silly, it's cause I don't like being all serious all the time. I don't want to be too intense.

(continued in next post)

Dearest ____,

As you know, I was pretty upset this weekend. I should have said this to you when you were there but I guess it seemed pointless to me to tell you I'm upset when it seems like you think my issue is not your problem. I wish everything was just magically good, but when things aren't getting better just like that, I don't feel right if I don't say something.

Every weekend I want you to come and I get excited when you tell me you will. I care about you and when we do spend time together, I really enjoy it. So I can't help but be upset when I expect to spend at least one night/day of that weekend with you and instead I get three sleepy hours. Obviously, I have some of my own issues to work on, but whether or not I have some other plans going on, it's never acceptable behavior to tell someone you're coming over and then not come over for a day and half without apologizing at all or attempting to make up for it. That's not my idea of a relationship. A girlfriend is a staple part of your life. A lady friend, in the least, is someone you take out on dates and out to have fun like friends do. Before you moved into the shack, we'd see each other every weekend and I felt like your girlfriend enough to talk to you about it. Lately, I feel more like I am a hotel where you kill time between activities. A hotel isn't even a person! I get all crazy when I don't know what is going on and I don't want to be all crazy. You could just text me and tell me the time when we will get together and stick to it. It would probably calm me down pretty fast.

I don't know what you are looking for, but if it's a girl who happily accepts waiting for you, clueless, at home while you get drunk and ignore her, then it's not me. That sounds more like a realdoll or a dodo. I know that I am looking for someone who won't do that to me. I am sure JLD would not stand for this either! (he loves julia louis dreyfus)

Everybody has issues sometimes, but if I can't talk about them and resolve them with you, then logically, things can only get worse. If you have problems with me, I would hope you could talk to me so I can try to fix it. Like the punching thing, I'm really sorry about it. I feel like I've been severely punished for that and I hope you understand that I definitely don't want to recreate that situation again! I want that to be resolved where you can be comfortable with me instead of having that brought up against me all the time. I want to go out with you occasionally and go home with you at the end of the night. If we can't be who we want each other to be, then we should just accept that and get on with our own lives.

Yours truly,




Ok thats the end, sorry about the length. Hope it wont prevent someone from helping me.

should i send this message to my cancer man? No

The letter sucks...Try not talking AT HIM and just tell him how you feel.

Thank you for your reply. It is greatly appreciated. I am trying to gauge also how many days of not talking should I wait to send it. I don't think I've ever gone two days without talking to him. So would like 3 or four be enough?
Are there parts that are too mushy? Is it too pushy? And which parts are you referring to that are me talking at him?

I'm trying to say that that kind of inconsiderate behavior is something I never want to deal with again. It's not what I want in a relationship, but if he thinks that should be acceptable, then I think we should break up.

I think it's too long. The letter just reeks of nagging IMO, I think you should keep it simple and just tell him to his face, I'm upset and I don't feel good about being stood up and excluded and then leave it alone, don't reward him for treating you poorly by being super available but don't necessarily ignore him either, if he comes around let him know you're still upset and ask him what he intends on doing to fix it, IF he care about you he'll try to fix it, if he doesn't care about you which it appear he possibly don't really care about you as of late then he'll continue to be half ass, disappear on you, exclude you and give you sloppy seconds of his time and energy.

Of course you can send the letter and maybe he'll start being more present and be a good boyfriend, I'm just giving you a different perspective.

I don't know the background but could it be he's not your boyfriend and that's the reason why he's treating you the way he is? Have you both talked about the relationship being official? Or are you assuming that you're official b/c of the time you used to spend with one another?

Posted by gemcancervenus
I'm trying to say that that kind of inconsiderate behavior is something I never want to deal with again. It's not what I want in a relationship, but if he thinks that should be acceptable, then I think we should break up.

This is good...Say exactly that...chunk the last letter and instead say:

I don't want inconsiderate behavior from a man and it's not what I want in a relationship and if you think it's acceptable behavior then we should break up.

Less words speaks volumes...Because in all actuality he probably is ready to break up but is too coward to do it OR sometimes a man will test your boundaries by misbehaving to see how much you depend on him behaving a certain way for you to be happy, so he'll act out just to see if your happiness depends on him and how he behaves which clearly is the case, so try not to be so dependent on him making you feel happy, that is most likely what he's RESISTING from you, he needs to feel like an individual, have his own identity separate from you, go to coachella with your own friends, do things without him, try not to include him everything you do, basically tend to your own life and stop trying to be married or be in an instant relationship with him....slow down.

If I were you I would lean back and wait for the opportunity to discuss it first, when he's in front of you tell him. Don't yap on and on about it, just say it in a matter of fact way like you're not attached to the outcome and then get on with how you typically are with him.

Before you have this talk take into consideration what's really going on, maybe you're being a little bit too suffocating, needy, clingy and maybe your expectations are way too high for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, you're moving too fast for him, NEEDING too much together time and maybe this conversation doesn't have to take place at all if you adjust your behavior and shift the focus back onto you and your life which could RESOLVE everything without the talk.

I want to tell him to his face, I totally should have. I had been so crazy for the day and half before he came, that I just thought maybe if I don't nag him, be happy he's here and just watch the movie, that maybe he would see me as patient and would come around on his own.

When he was there, he knew I was mad and kind of chuckled like how was your weekend? I said, Annoying!! I asked him if he could stop making me mad and he kind of laughs like me being mad is entertainment.

I completely understand the being available thing. I had friends when we met, but since then they went away to grad school, so I don't have much going on. Since he comes only every other weekend, I reserve that time for him, but I am learning that I shouldn't. I also said something like wouldn't you be mad if I told you I was coming over but instead I got drunk and didn't tell you for 4 hours and he laughed like sarcastically like 'yea i'd be sitting all alone in my shack the whole time.' making fun of me just hanging out at home waiting.

But he still hasn't said sorry. And it was so awkward because I was still upset, don't feel close to him anymore and I worry that it will seem to him like I'm just not the right girl. Maybe he thought my availability was general desperation for any guy and not specific to my feelings for him. So that's why I was thinking maybe I shouldn't have been so passive and should fully express myself via the note. I probably won't see him for two weeks which is why I would email.

So anyway, do you think those small expressions of me being angry when he did come over are good enough for now? He knows I was upset. I just feel like he's not gunna do anything about it. He won't even play me on words with friends! And then when he comes again, I'll just go out with my other friends. In the meantime, I'll probably still go online and see if he initiates anything, but I won't initiate him. Is that the better option?

The bf thing, we were very close at the beginning he would always tell me how much he liked me, and one night I asked him about it and he said ok. usually he calls me lady friend and his lady, which I don't think is equivalent, but he says it is. So, whatever that means. Like I said though, I don't feel that way anymore, I feel like a hotel. haha

ps i didnt sleep with him this weekend. I don't mean hotel in a sex way, I just meant he comes over and hes too tired to take me out, so I agree to a movie and he falls asleep during it.

@So anyway, do you think those small expressions of me being angry when he did come over are good enough for now?

He's not a mind reader, you could have taken the opportunity to tell him what you told me instead of behaving like a little girl about it by going around the issue hoping he'll catch on, little girls behave this way not grown women.

Leave him alone for a little while, let him initiate. Don't make this hard. Take a weekend that you typically spend with him and do something else, do something by yourself, stop being so dependent on him to show up every other weekend to entertain you.

He won't say sorry, he has nothing to apologize for, he was living his life, his life isn't YOU, he has his own life, yes he could have showed up when he said he would but you could have stopped waiting on him and did something else b/c you have your own life outside of him. Right?

The only reason why you're hurt is because he is your life, you depend on him for your happiness and that is too much pressure, a lot of men run from that and become very resistant to fit into your box.

Well I do, the friends that I would hang out with are all guys. So when my female friends left for school, I was worried if he would get mad that I'm just hanging out with other guys. Now I'll go back to that, I don't really have any other option I guess.

Thank you so much for your responses. You guys make it seem way more simple.

"Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option".

I think he treats you this way because your codependent behavior has taught him you will allow him to treat you as an option, and not a priority. He wont treat you like a doormat if you dont lay down like one. Find your value, become valuable and he will treat you as such.