So My Cancer has come home....
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by TheLioness79 on Wednesday, November 20, 2013 and has 9 replies.
I have debated on rather I should post. Please no bashing, I am really looking for advice as I do really care for him. Let's just say things didn't go as we expected when he came home. I let my emotions get to me and instead of allowing myself to cool and evaluate the situation (Aries Moon) I said something to him that he took out of context of the what I was trying to say. (I had mentioned to him before he came home we needed to work on our communication together so we can understand where each is coming from because we are two different people). So all last week was unknown as where things stood and little communication.
I spent Sunday with him that was prearranged at his place and he made dinner. We had major talks about stuff surrounding his life and my life that has developed since we started this we both didn't expect and then how things went down and my comment and how he took. I told him that was not my intent on the comment and if I had felt that way in any means I would not be here, I still see and feel he is this amazing man I had gotten to know and my veiw ad feelings for him had not changed. I got married as kid and spent my adult life as a wife, so you are my first and I am new and learning at this dating thing. All I have to go on is my experience before my ex when I got married at 19. I asked him point blank with everything going on in our personal lives and what has transpired between us where does that leave us? He said I still considering us dating but want to slow it down so you don't feel the way you do (based on my comment). I am nowhere near wanting to end this with you.
I told him that wasn't fair. When we started talking I told you wanted to take things slow: 1. I was just exiting a 14 year marriage and I wanted to give myself time to get my kids adjusted to their new lives and work on myself and getting to know who I am as the woman today as I would not be able to give to someone what I am capable of giving otherwise which is so much. 2. I knew when he returned back he would need to get accumlated and settled. But you pushed for us to be more and further. I pumped the brakes as I evaluated the situation in myself and got adjusted and you chipped away at my steel and I fell for you as you said you had fallen for me. So now you are taking it back and I can't give to you what I want you to have from me and have you as I want to give you me and take it slow?
Part 1 cont.....
I spent Sunday with him that was prearranged at his place and he made dinner. We had major talks about stuff surrounding his life and my life that has developed since we started this we both didn't expect and then how things went down and my comment and how he took. I told him that was not my intent on the comment and if I had felt that way in any means I would not be here, I still see and feel he is this amazing man I had gotten to know and my veiw ad feelings for him had not changed. I got married as kid and spent my adult life as a wife, so you are my first and I am new and learning at this dating thing. All I have to go on is my experience before my ex when I got married at 19. I asked him point blank with everything going on in our personal lives and what has transpired between us where does that leave us? He said I still considering us dating but want to slow it down so you don't feel the way you do (based on my comment). I am nowhere near wanting to end this with you.
I told him that wasn't fair. When we started talking I told you wanted to take things slow: 1. I was just exiting a 14 year marriage and I wanted to give myself time to get my kids adjusted to their new lives and work on myself and getting to know who I am as the woman today as I would not be able to give to someone what I am capable of giving otherwise which is so much. 2. I knew when he returned back he would need to get accumlated and settled. But you pushed for us to be more and further. I pumped the brakes as I evaluated the situation in myself and got adjusted and you chipped away at my steel and I fell for you as you said you had fallen for me. So now you are taking it back and I can't give to you what I want you to have from me and have you as I want to give you me and take it slow?
Part 1 cont.....
I told him he had took what I said in the context, but regardless I could tell what I said hurt him deeply and I was extremely sorry and it pained me that I had hurt him as I never want or intend to do so.
He had mentioned he does like spending time with me and still want the prearranged times we had set up. But he also has so much going on in his life with coming back and other things that is stressful and disheartening.
So I have stepped back and given him space. Since Sunday, he has initiated calls to me, majority surrounding his situation and I have listened and offered my thoughts and support. I have sent him texts/emails letting him know I was thinking about him and hope he was OK etc... but I have just stepped back as I don't know how to handle it. At the point I feel for him there is so much I want to give to him and with the limits he has put has left me conflicted because I don't know how to handle it. I am attempting the take of being patient and allowing him to come around. But then I think of what I said to him at the start...I had so much going on with me and in my life and myself I was not in the position to give to someone what I could and wanted to give. And with his personal circumstances he isn't in that position...so how is that fair to me? Maybe that is being selfish...but is it? I am very intuitive on people, and do believe he is this amazing person I have gotten to known and he was truthful and honest saying he wanted to still be with me, enjoy spending time with me, etc. But I have also thought about asking for a "break" so he can get his life together. I will still be there for him as friend and support him in every fashion as I really do care...yes...love him. But he needs to focus in on his situations and not add in the added stress of someone else's needs (me) at this time. If I got that route, I am afraid he will take it wrong. The one thing he has said constantly is he wants someone who will be there by his side as he would be by their side through anything. I may seem all over with my thoughts...but as a cancer, in this position what would you want from your partner to do or how would you react if your partner asked for that "break" so you could take care of your personal situations? Thoughts???
He had mentioned he does like spending time with me and still want the prearranged times we had set up. But he also has so much going on in his life with coming back and other things that is stressful and disheartening.
So I have stepped back and given him space. Since Sunday, he has initiated calls to me, majority surrounding his situation and I have listened and offered my thoughts and support. I have sent him texts/emails letting him know I was thinking about him and hope he was OK etc... but I have just stepped back as I don't know how to handle it. At the point I feel for him there is so much I want to give to him and with the limits he has put has left me conflicted because I don't know how to handle it. I am attempting the take of being patient and allowing him to come around. But then I think of what I said to him at the start...I had so much going on with me and in my life and myself I was not in the position to give to someone what I could and wanted to give. And with his personal circumstances he isn't in that position...so how is that fair to me? Maybe that is being selfish...but is it? I am very intuitive on people, and do believe he is this amazing person I have gotten to known and he was truthful and honest saying he wanted to still be with me, enjoy spending time with me, etc. But I have also thought about asking for a "break" so he can get his life together. I will still be there for him as friend and support him in every fashion as I really do care...yes...love him. But he needs to focus in on his situations and not add in the added stress of someone else's needs (me) at this time. If I got that route, I am afraid he will take it wrong. The one thing he has said constantly is he wants someone who will be there by his side as he would be by their side through anything. I may seem all over with my thoughts...but as a cancer, in this position what would you want from your partner to do or how would you react if your partner asked for that "break" so you could take care of your personal situations? Thoughts???
I'm not in a position of knowing his personal circumstances.
I think when he said : "he wanted to still be with me, enjoy spending time with me, etc." he was being honest. And it sounds like he needs time to sort out things.
I think he's trying to be considerate of your feelings (your comment).
If I had a partner going through some very stressful circumstances as you imply, I would give them their space.
I wouldn't use the term "taking a break". That statement tends to carry omninous suggestion and he may interpret that as you're looking at other options. This would be stressful to him because he's trying to be honest and considerate. In fact, he probably stepped out of that famous Cancer shell.
If I were in his position (and I have been), I would appreciate giving things a little more time and not moving to fast while I sorted things out. Let him know you're there for him and that you understand (this may hurt a little considering what you have said).
Don't be forceful in pressing, but do try and set some sort of timeline. Break it into steps. It's always difficult to diagnose these things without personal knowledge, but I think if you give him the time he needs it will work out.
P.S. : Don't use the term "I need to take a break". Put it in terms of understanding his need to get things sorted.
I think when he said : "he wanted to still be with me, enjoy spending time with me, etc." he was being honest. And it sounds like he needs time to sort out things.
I think he's trying to be considerate of your feelings (your comment).
If I had a partner going through some very stressful circumstances as you imply, I would give them their space.
I wouldn't use the term "taking a break". That statement tends to carry omninous suggestion and he may interpret that as you're looking at other options. This would be stressful to him because he's trying to be honest and considerate. In fact, he probably stepped out of that famous Cancer shell.
If I were in his position (and I have been), I would appreciate giving things a little more time and not moving to fast while I sorted things out. Let him know you're there for him and that you understand (this may hurt a little considering what you have said).
Don't be forceful in pressing, but do try and set some sort of timeline. Break it into steps. It's always difficult to diagnose these things without personal knowledge, but I think if you give him the time he needs it will work out.
P.S. : Don't use the term "I need to take a break". Put it in terms of understanding his need to get things sorted.
COTC,
Thank you. You are giving me the insight I was suspecting. And one thing I have no problem with is giving him his space, which I have been. I just want to go at this in the right way with him. I do agree, the way I would have put it would be exactly as you stated...stepping back to give him time to work through his personal issues because I do understand what he is going through. (sorry for the elusiveness on his situation, I am trying to respect his privacy as that is important to him as well for me and it is not mine to give out) I do agree "taking a break" he would take as me wanting to play the field, which would be very opposite of what I want. I want to be with him. Also, as I mentioned, I am afraid if I ask for it, it would show him I would not be willing to be there through thick and thin as is one of his needs we have discussed. He has opened up to me and come out of his shell over these months with me so I just want to do the right thing, but I need to do right for me too.
I was pushy on Sunday, as that is how I am. I am direct, I want to get out and get it resolved and move on. But he has stated he takes things in and moves through it slowly at times. So as I have said to him, we are two separate people who are very similar in so many ways in our approach on things and thought process but yet so different in many ways as well, we need to work on that balance on that between each other and find that understanding and compromisation in those instances where we are different.
But I think you have given me another answer. I had thought about broaching the subject we were in on Sunday and how aggressive I was, that I do understand he needs his time to work through this and I respect that, no matter how difficult it will be on me. I am not to sure is I should or just lave it at a rest. I do reassure him I am there, especially though his tough issues this week that has escalated. I told him I am here for whatever he needs (he has been there for me in my issues) and by his side.
Thank you. You are giving me the insight I was suspecting. And one thing I have no problem with is giving him his space, which I have been. I just want to go at this in the right way with him. I do agree, the way I would have put it would be exactly as you stated...stepping back to give him time to work through his personal issues because I do understand what he is going through. (sorry for the elusiveness on his situation, I am trying to respect his privacy as that is important to him as well for me and it is not mine to give out) I do agree "taking a break" he would take as me wanting to play the field, which would be very opposite of what I want. I want to be with him. Also, as I mentioned, I am afraid if I ask for it, it would show him I would not be willing to be there through thick and thin as is one of his needs we have discussed. He has opened up to me and come out of his shell over these months with me so I just want to do the right thing, but I need to do right for me too.
I was pushy on Sunday, as that is how I am. I am direct, I want to get out and get it resolved and move on. But he has stated he takes things in and moves through it slowly at times. So as I have said to him, we are two separate people who are very similar in so many ways in our approach on things and thought process but yet so different in many ways as well, we need to work on that balance on that between each other and find that understanding and compromisation in those instances where we are different.
But I think you have given me another answer. I had thought about broaching the subject we were in on Sunday and how aggressive I was, that I do understand he needs his time to work through this and I respect that, no matter how difficult it will be on me. I am not to sure is I should or just lave it at a rest. I do reassure him I am there, especially though his tough issues this week that has escalated. I told him I am here for whatever he needs (he has been there for me in my issues) and by his side.
Posted by BlackIndian22
I agree with @CancerOnTheCusp. Just him time to fix things in his current situation. You can still be there for him, but let him know you are in this for the long haul. Personally i hate that "lets take a break" line. Hell you might as well leave & stay gone if you say all that. It's either you together or you not. If you want a relationship, work on it. If not, end things now before someone gets hurt badly. Real Talk
Thank you. That is exactly what I thought he would take it. As a matter of fact, I can see him saying the same exact thing "Hell you might as well leave and stay gone if you say all that."
This is exactly what I am looking to get the understanding of the cancer..I am in it for the long haul...so taking the step back and just let him sort things out in his life and with me and be there for him is what I will do. It was my initial instinct...just give him the space he needs and work on what needs to be worked on with us. I do care for him deeply and I look for the tomorrow and not the today in someone and I see that with him. It is just damn hard because I want to unleash what I want to give to him and I can't at this moment. But patience for a Leo and a Leo with and Aries Moon and is hard, but that is a part of myself I have worked on over this past year. Learned it through my best Virgo Friend as he was there for me during my separation and final divorce with my ex.
question: are YOU ready for a real relationship?
Yes, I totally am
let it grow or disappear, good point
Yes, I totally am
let it grow or disappear, good point
mlha,
You make a fair point and raise a fair question. But to answer your question. I am ready, at the point I am in my life the only way I can be ready is to get out there and date. I choose to stay single for well over a year for a reason: to work on me and my kids. My divorce should have been over back in June/July but he dragged on signing the uncontested divorce papers because he didn't want to end it. It wasn't until I told him I had meet someone that we were interested in building something that he finally signed the papers and hence why it is just now finalized. He hasn't even been in the same country for pretty much close to a year now. So I have really been by myself to work on me. This guy, we have been conversing for six months while he was deployed, so as things grew I did go into states of question if I was in a place yet to date yet and took a step back to evaluate that place in myself and work through it. Is it scary? hell yes, it is new. Last time I dated was 15 years ago. But yes, I am at a point in my life I am ready to move on and experience my new life as the woman I have grown to know and work on for the past year. She is pretty awesome.
Just gotta figure out the rules of the game.
You make a fair point and raise a fair question. But to answer your question. I am ready, at the point I am in my life the only way I can be ready is to get out there and date. I choose to stay single for well over a year for a reason: to work on me and my kids. My divorce should have been over back in June/July but he dragged on signing the uncontested divorce papers because he didn't want to end it. It wasn't until I told him I had meet someone that we were interested in building something that he finally signed the papers and hence why it is just now finalized. He hasn't even been in the same country for pretty much close to a year now. So I have really been by myself to work on me. This guy, we have been conversing for six months while he was deployed, so as things grew I did go into states of question if I was in a place yet to date yet and took a step back to evaluate that place in myself and work through it. Is it scary? hell yes, it is new. Last time I dated was 15 years ago. But yes, I am at a point in my life I am ready to move on and experience my new life as the woman I have grown to know and work on for the past year. She is pretty awesome.
Just gotta figure out the rules of the game.
"I need to take a break". --- we don't believe in that statement
Posted by crabberries
"I need to take a break". --- we don't believe in that statement
Yeah, I see that and why I had asked. I thought he wouldn't like that. So I am just stepping back and letting take care of personal business but still letting him know I am here by his side. Just like I just sent him a text saying I hope his day was well and he is enjoying "xyz" he replied sorry been real busy but yes I am. I just replied back, no need to apologize, I know and understand he has a lot going on. BlackIndian said it on point, we want to know you are in it for the long haul. And he has said that himself many times. I am here, not going anywhere and there for support. There will be plenty of time for us once things calm down. We have waited 6 months, I can wait longer. His issues are more important anyways then "us".
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