Totally confused over the mistreatment!!!

Seems like we are all in the same boat over the cancer men. Here's my story too.. Maybe someone can enlighten me.

He and I have known each other for 3 years, we have been close friends. Up until this year we have never had the chance to date because one of us were always in a relationship with someone else. Well I know his whole family and they love me. I also have three children and he loves my children dearly and so does his family. We have been seeing each other now for about two months and he stays the night at my house almost every other night. He takes me out on dates and loves to play with the kids. On Sundays I go to his sisters and we relax and watch movies after church. We have been moving so close together until last weekend. On Saturday I went to his mothers surprise birthday party and we had a great time together. His family has been hinting marriage to him but we agree this is not something we want right now. We are not together just dating right now.

Anyway, we had a great time at the party and he was so close to me the whole time. On Sunday he picked up my kids from their grandmother's house and brought them to me however there was a misunderstanding in where he was supposed to pick them up at. I went off the handle in my communication but then apologized for being haisty. He said it was ok and that it wasn't a big deal. Well he was harbering feelings cause he said later that i put him in a bad mood. I told him that I was sorry again and told him how I don't believe in saying sorry and still having to pay for it in the end. It wasn't fair. Well he got off the phone with me and said he would call me later. I was so hurt cause I am a very sweet person and I didn't want him to be upset. When he called back he acted like nothing ever happened and I told him how I didn't feel like he was being fair. He got upset and said a lot of hurtful things and said he would call me back. Well, about 5 days later I called him and he said he would call me back. He did. When we were on the phone we got back onto the conversation about what had happened.

I told him I was hurt over him not calling and I felt like he had pushed me to the side. (he has never done this before) and he said he was just really busy (excuse)so he said he had to call me back. I was volunteering at church at the time so I went back to doing that. He didn't call. This was Friday and I didn't speak to him til Sunday.

I didn't have my kids on Sunday so I went out for some "ME" time to get a drink and the first place i went to wouldn't take my ID cause it was ripped (stupid huh?) any way I was leaving there when he called (7:30pm) and asked what i was doing. i told him i was headed over to this restaurant/club for a drink. He got all mad saying that i was about to go "clubbing" I was like no I'm not it's only 7:30! He just kept putting me down and saying that if i was looking for trouble then i was going to find it (trouble meaning a "man") and I told him i wasn't looking for a man i just wanted a drink. He said "well then trouble will find you" I was upset by then because he was being so rude and mean to me for no reason. He got really upset and hung up on me. I was so hurt i started to cry. i was so tired of him hurting me with his words and picking on me when i didn't deserve it.

I called him back and said "This will be the last time you hurt my feelings and be mean to me. You have been nothing but mean,rude, and disrespectful for the past week and I don't deserve it at all. I have been nothing but good to you for the past three years. I don't deserve this treatment and you can't just come into a person's life one minute and then disapear and say screw you the next. It's not fair. Please do not ever call me again!" and I hung up. Well an hour later he called me back and tried to apologize but i was so hurt that I interrupted him and told him I was going to have to call him back. (this was last night) I haven't spoken to him since then.

I love him so much but I don't understand him at all. Why the mean behavior and why the distance? It's too confusing. I want to forgive him bacause I always forgive people who wrong me but I'm so hurt. I've known him for 3 years and we have been nonstop close for two months and now this.... it's crazy.

I guess you do realize how sensitive us cancers are, eh?

It sounds like he didn't get a chance to express how upset he was when you yelled at him and now he is making up for it by expressing his disdain for you going out. When a confrontation occurs (or what cancers consider a confrontation) they don't react right then and there. Often they regret it later, thinking of what they could've, should've, would've said. Now he is over compensating by showing you whose boss! If you want to continue with him, you have to remember that you get what you give. Think about his feelings and how to be more politically correct before you go off the handle with him.

Cancer men are really traditional so for him, He probably doesn't agree with a mommy of three going out on what he thinks is a night on the town. Yes, some Cancers are a bit possessive too. It just depends on the type you are involved with.

Good luck on your relationship. Hope it works out.

"When a confrontation occurs (or what cancers consider a confrontation) they don't react right then and there. Often they regret it later, thinking of what they could've, should've, would've said."
...this, somehow, sounds all too familiar. (a conclusion I defended us with, after I was savagely attacked by a bunch of my DXP friends 😉 lol)

"Don't call him and see what happens..."
I wouldn't suggest this, unless of course JD's has gotten positive results from this... have you JD? (not knocking the idea though)

Sounds like you snapped on him, he (being a cancer) took the words too personally, retaliated in response to having been snapped on, you took his retaliation too personally (being that you're frustrated now), and now both of you are sitting back thinking 'man... I f***ed up!" Doesn't matter who started it. But sounds (to me) like the best thing to do, would be:
-stop being angry with each other when you both want each other to accept an apology
-(which ever one of you, initiates the) call to say I didn't mean to hurt you
-talk to each other about how you can (have a relaxed conversation to) keep from allowing childish behavior (like being vindictive [having verbal outbursts/distancing oneself or pushing a loved one away] towards someone you care for) to take over when a situation frustrates either/both of you (if you want to have less of this, talk with each other about this sooner than later... [it will stop ...and if it doesn't, I doubt you will have to ask any of us what you should do])

If you both truly want to be happy with each other, this should be a piece of cake conversation to have. But following through on the agreements (the TWO of you come to during that conversation), is where the work and effort will come in (and for your relationship's sake, I hope it is worth the effort).

MeMe- I would't consider 7:30 pm a night out on the town...that's going too far. I was just having one drink alone...not partying the night away with my girls.

Virgo- I didn't kick him while he was down... I've been the one putting up constantly with his rude behavior towards me and he knows that...now he feels bad about it. I have constantly placed myself in his shoes... I'm not punishing him, I'm tired of the treatment he has been giving me so I've separated myself from it. I don't like those negative vibes. How is he down? I dont' understand that...it seems to me like he taking advantage of me being too nice all the time and allowing him to walk all over me. I'm not a doormat

we are not in a relationship

broken-shell---

I've read some of your previous posts and this one as well and you really understand what has happened here. He and I are first and foremost friends. I just want to be treated respectfully.. I know that I shouldn't have been hasty with him on the phone last week however EVERYONE makes mistakes and to think that I will NEVER do anything wrong is just stupid. I even understand that everyone messes up and that's why I want to forgive him for hurting me. I'm ALWAYS quick to forgive... ALWAYS!! I was just hurting so bad when he called me and I really didn't feel like talking to him. I know the areas I need to work on and I'm in no way oblivious to my weaknesses however I want him to encourage me to do better especially when I apologize for something....rather then punish me or ignore me. This makes me feel like I can never make a mistake. I know he was hurt and I that's the reason why I said sorry. I don't know if I should call or just let it go.......

In that case... how often does this (arguing thing) happen?

this was the first time this has happened with us

If this is the first time this has happened (in a 3 year friendship, turned dating), you should (and I'm sure it doesn't seem like this right now) be thankful you went through this with him now, as opposed to having gotten serious (and not having seen that in him before) and seeing his dark side (for the first time, after having made a commitment). Well, ignoring him for a "couple of days" (to cool off about the situation) isn't a bad idea... But if you've cooled off, and keep from contacting him, you will only be provoking the games you aim to end.

He is my son's god father. He has always been close to my kids. His family is very close to me and my kids. He isn't some guy I just met two months ago. We were friends first for 3 years.

we were friends for 3 years and now we are more then friends. We sleep together (have sex) and we spend time together, we go out on dates, and we call each other baby. what does that mean to you Leokitten? You give me the title i should use.

i did speak to him today (just now) and he told me that he was distant and got upset because he could feel himself becoming close to me really liking me a lot and he had to distance himself because he could feel himself becoming attached to me too fast.

OUCH!!! I really hate to say this... but I can't not say it.
He really believes that HIM getting attached to YOU too fast might hurt YOU.

what does that mean Broken-shell?

duh... niether one of us do. We have agreed that we don't want a relationship. Not too fast. We don't want that step right now.

well maybe that's the problem. We took the step without realizing we did.

when you say rejection.. you mean me rejecting him or him rejecting me?

i hear you LeoKitten... I'm just so compassionate. when i see soemone hurting, even if they are the ones who hurt me... after a while i just want to run to their rescue and say "it's ok...i still love you." I know i have to ignore him though when he does that.

He said that he was coming over a lot and he could hear the disappointment in my voice when he didnt come over...but he said that he had to MAKE his self not come because he wanted to come so bad but new that things were moving too fast. He said he felt his self becoming comfortable only when he was with me and it was scary for him so he backed away. Now what?

**backs into shell** I need a couple of hours... maybe days, to answer that question. LOL
hypothetical situation:
He gets extremely attached to you, you like what you're getting from him, you give in to his attachment (because it seems so 'sweet/cute' [whatever you want to call it]), he shows you an unbearable side of him (like the hurtful things you say he said) that you don't like, it changes the way you see him... then you reject him. They say we cancers WALK (think) sideways (hence there is some endless number of 'hypothetical situations' [that nobody would have the time to entertain] that he is probably thinking, or already thought, himself through).

...just two questions...
Who was the first to say "we're not ready for 'that' step yet?"
Because from the story I'm reading, it seems that the two of you are both READY for that step. But it seems the influence from your families (to get married), makes you both question if you really are. If you are both shocked at this situation, and things turn out fine (which they should), most of those (potential) ifs should be cleared up.
Might I ask WHY... the two of you are not ready to take 'that step'?

Oh yeah... I was answering this question...
"what does that mean Broken-shell?"

We both agreed to take it slow. His reason for taking it slow is because he says that he always gets close to people too fast and then finds out they are the wrong person for him. He is also trying to walk in God's will right now and he wants the next relationship to lead to marriage and doesn't want to go in and out of relationships anymore. My reason is basically the same but also I'm not very good in relationships. I start off great but then I get pessimistic (like a typical Cap) and I begin to pull away. In past relationships I haven't been great at communication, I communicate best through poetry (that's how I express myself) which is great with him because we both write to each other all the time. He sings to me and I write to him.

In a nutshell we are both scared of the unknown we both want our next relationship to be right in our eyes but most of all in the eyes of God. He is more reluctant then I am over the relationship issue. It's like he wants to step forward but doesn't want to be vulnerable.

what is a "Cookiemonster"?

"cancers sulk when they do something wrong and get called on it. so when you were all "how many times do i have to say sorry" you played into his patented cancer sulk."

-Oooooooh I've experienced this lol. But I still love my cancer sweetie. 🙂

capywife,

i really think i can help here. my ex-gf was a capricorn (like you) and i myself am a cancer.

the biggest problem here is the lack of understand.

the 2nd biggest problem here is capricorn pride.

let me explain...

capricorns and cancers are polar opposites. they couldn't be more different in terms of personality and emotions. capricorns aren't generally very expressive with their emotions and they don't communicate well enough for cancers to truly understand how they feel.

capricorns are also very prideful and take a lot of time to make up their minds. they aren't slow -- they just take a lot of time to analyze everything. cancers, on the other hand, can be quite impatient...especially when they are emotional. they're not the most rational creatures. therefore, they tend to overdo things and say hurtful things when they don't mean it.

so while you're contemplating your cancer man's actions and deciding on a course of action, he's "freaking out"...so to speak. he's acting on emotion, not rational thought.

this only makes you contemplate more...and the waiting drives him even crazier...a vicious cycle.

after a Cancer guy has suffered a round (or two) of this "freaking out", he'll probably start distancing himself from you since he can't take it anymore. since he can't control you -- he'll control himself by shutting his feelings down (i.e. distancing himself).

i'm not saying cancer/capricorn relationships don't work -- they do work. but you both need to be a little less selfish and you, capricorn, need to be a little more expressive and communicative. you can't keep a cancer in the dark about what you're thinking -- they're very insecure and they need a lot of reassurance from you. cancer's have an innate desire to be understood so you'll need to put some work into understanding him better. it sounds like you're just starting to get inside your Cancer guy's shell...

p.s. your Cancer guy has very strong feelings for you -- if not, he wouldn't throw the fit that he's throw or said all those mean things. it sounds strange, but that's his way of telling you how much you mean to him...the stronger the emotions he expresses (even not-so-good-ones), the stronger the bond he has with you.

Ellidyer-

You are right. I am trying very hard and whatever I have to do to make it work i will. Even if it is placing my pride to the side. This is hard though because it's so engraved in me and I have to get rid of it. He knows that I express myself best to him through poetry and I've always noticed that he expresses his self best when he makes up a song and sings to me (he has a beautiful voice). We have made up now. He was so relieved when I called him yesterday and we talked about things and he admitted that he was a dick and that he can be a dick sometimes. He sent me about 7 songs that he found that made him think about me and we talked last night for about 4 hours. He just kept saying "aren't you glad we made up?" I know that he doesn't feel normal without me there. He kept saying that he would "fight" for me and us. I will too. I hate when his feelings are hurt and I told him that when he draws back and distances his self I can respect that but inside of me I just see someone I love who is hurting and i just want to fix it and make it better. He understood and he told me that it's just best for me to let him be when he draws away instead of asking a lot of questions.

He seems so confident in himself and in his job...so it's difficult for me to imagine that he is in anyway insecure...unless he wears a good mask. I would have never guessed that to be true.

I'm no good at expressing myself through words. I never know what to say. It's this damn Capi Crapy Communication that I am sooooo aware of.

Capywife: I haven't heard anyone say this already so I will. It sounds like your Cancer man is already in love with you and he feels like you don't feel the same which is why he is starting to back away from you before he becomes too damaged. It sounds like he has done alot for you for you too to be just friends even if he is your child's godfather. I have god children that I never see. Lol! How would this change the situation for you if he is indeed in love with you?

Oh yeah, Cookiemonster is a world on dxp that automatically replaces most curse words when we type them. Like if you type a# $ hole, that word will show up as cookiemonster. Another substitute word is bull butter. I like that one, too! 😛

Ellidyr: What you said is just great!

Crablvr: Thank you, you are very sweet!

Broken_Shell: Everything you say is so on point!

I said world. I meant word! duh!