Uncertain about my cancer friend

Yeah, when am I not? lol
Anyway, I'm starting to feel weary again about the cancer guy I've been speaking to, and I'm not sure whether it's me being paranoid or me actually sensing that he's pulling back a bit. Mind you, we aren't really together (like anything official) but we have a strong connection and we do get intimate. Anyway, for the last 3 weeks or so, this cancer has been fairly busy. He's been back and forth to New York, one for an interview and another just to see some friends and spend some time up there. I understand his reasons to be up there and focused on things back here. At times, the cancer texted me saying that he wanted to do something with me when he got back. I would be all for it; so when he had to go back to New York, he apologized fervently and would say that he had to tell me about Brooklyn and we should do something when he got back. A few days ago, he texted me saying that he had been thinking about me a lot recently and that he couldn't wait to see me. He said that he thought he would be back within the next day or so. Well, it's been a few days since that text, and I never really got a text or indication that he was back or that he wanted to see me. I texted him last night to tell him that I was almost done with the book he gave me and that I wanted to return it soon. I didn't get much of an answer back; just one of those one word texts and nothing else. It left me feeling a little uneasy, so I decided not to text him again. I just get this very uncomfortable feeling, but I've been feeling emotional for a couple weeks now, so that could be something. I'm just not sure whether this cancer is pulling back from me or really is that busy, or a combination of both.

Posted by Candeh15
I'm not sure whether it's me being paranoid or me

Hey , you are really OPEN MINDED !

As for your cancer difficult to say, most likely he does not want something serious and afraid to get involved with you deeper

Posted by Cancer1986LeoCusp

Posted by Candeh15
I'm not sure whether it's me being paranoid or me

Hey , you are really OPEN MINDED !

As for your cancer difficult to say, most likely he does not want something serious and afraid to get involved with you deeper

click to expand

Lol, I usually am. And I know it could all possibly be in my head, but I never know for sure. I never really pushed for anything to go deeper than what it was. I guess I'm just a little conflicted because of the texts; where he says he wants to see me, but then I don't hear from him for the next few days.

My question is...Why do you always choose men that treat you like shit Candeh? You are beautiful no gorgeous woman and you deserve so much more from a man...I hate to see you get on this vicious treadmill of disinterested men that feed you bits and pieces of crumbs like so many women are doing these days. Your still young, get OFF while you can LOL

There has got to be man out there that you like and likes you mutually the same and wants to be consistent with you, be there for you, do things with you, be present....Your still young you have time to change this bad habit of choosing men that don't really want to be with you least not enough to show you...Good luck hun, if it were me I would move on. Don't let this guy string you along you deserve better treatment than that.

hid post..too many typo's

for the record I don't think your being too emotional, I feel your insecure and men like him make you feel even more insecure.

Please go out with a guy that adores you or your going to kill your self esteem messing with half ass men.

Posted by tiki33
My question is...Why do you always choose men that treat you like shit Candeh? You are beautiful no gorgeous woman and you deserve so much more from a man...I hate to see you get on this vicious treadmill of disinterested men that feed you bits and pieces of crumbs like so many women are doing these days. Your still young, get OFF while you can LOL

There has got to be man out there that you like and likes you mutually the same and wants to be consistent with you, be there for you, do things with you, be present....Your still young you have time to change this bad habit of choosing men that don't really want to be with you least not enough to show you...Good luck hun, if it were me I would move on. Don't let this guy string you along you deserve better treatment than that.

Yeah, I haven't really figured that out yet. I'm not sure whether I just suck at choosing guys or I just haven't stumbled upon the right one yet. I do seem to be in a vicious cycle, yet I'm a little bad at figuring guys out. I've gotten better though (I've had a lot of revelations this summer).

Needless to say, I don't hate him or anything. He's wonderful person actually and from the get go I wasn't dying for a relationship. I'd be perfectly fine if we were friends. We've already had this conversation about where we were, and knowing he was in a different place than I was, I just wanted to keep things from going much deeper than they were unless he wanted to. And this is the first time this really happened; most of the last couple of weeks, I've just been going through a lot of things that have nothing to do with him, so a lot of the insecurity is probably feeding off of my fragility at the moment (coincidentally, a lot of virgos are going through rough times at the moment). I just want to give him his book back at some point without dealing with any awkwardness if things were to go down south lol. I don't like things left behind, even if he did say I could keep it if I wanted to.

Posted by Days22
Cancers seem to always text you and say they want to see you and then dissapear awhile.

They DO want to see you...

just not yet 😉

I see a pattern with you and men, the men see how available you are and then they run for the hills, stop being so damn amiable and available, get married to yourself, let these men work to have you in there life, I dunno if you lack the ability to be challenging but when you hurry up and want to throw your freedom away some men begin to feel your desperate and not much of a catch...

Stop being so easy and I don't mean sexually, stop settling for friendship when you KNOW you desire, want and need real love, a real relationship, being around men that only want friendship (and you want more but will settle for what he wants) makes you feel fragile, vulnerable and powerless which equals to UNATTRACTIVE and you become somewhat of an emotional doormat for men that don't see you romantically as someone desirable to have...It's like begging for doggie treats, your just waiting around for a man hoping he will throw you a bone...

Do something different, say NO THANKS when a man offers you friendship, try it and see what happens, you will feel empowered and strong inside, you will also see a shift in the quality of men that are drawn to you...I know you don't want half ass treatment, DON'T SETTLE DAMMIT...next time a guy says I don't see you being someone I want to be with romantically just move on, hanging around men that you love and like but don't love and like you makes you feel desperate inside and men smell desperation 50 miles down the road and they won't budge and they will continuously reject you and abandon you...

Shut the door on unavailable men, get out of the cycle by saying no to any man that you want to be romantic with and he doesn't feel the same way...Then men that actually want to stick around will show up.

Boundaries and Deal breakers...Get some or men will continue to half ass you...Dump this clown, he's wasting your time.

Settling is not attractive and it invites half ass treatment from men, invites emotional neglect from men...The men aren't the problem...You are, you keep kicking that dead horse different ways with different men and keep coming up short and experiencing the same thing over and over again.

The strange thing is that I don't FEEL desperate or like I'm settling half the time. I don't make myself an easy catch, nor have I ever. It's only when I actually like someone enough to give it a shot that I seem to throw it out the window. A lot of this has been more of a recent development, meaning there is something I'm beginning to miss within myself. When I'm not pining over someone, I'm capable and confident; I know what I want and I don't falter for anyone. But when there IS that someone, it's like something doesn't click exactly and I'm a little in the dark towards figuring things out. I have to become better at translating what I want when I'm actually seeing someone. And usually I never felt like I was settling because the guy and I would have the same intentions in mind, which are discussed earlier, until something changes, and either I don't pick up on that or I'm blatantly ignoring my senses. Again, something I need to work on.

In this case, I'm already okay with moving on (I was planning on doing it soon anyway because I will be busy with classes eventually). I'm not one to torture myself for too long (except with the cap -- that was bad). I just wanted a little more insight since it was more random than something I had been dealing with since I've known him.

@The strange thing is that I don't FEEL desperate or like I'm settling half the time....You reek with insecurity, desperation and confusion, as for settling YOU ARE!! Any time a man says let's just be friends and you accept his terms AFTER he's gotten what he wanted be it sex attention, ego strokes then your settling, TRY SAYING NOPE, NO that's not good enough for me, thanks but no thanks see ya....That's why men treat you like they do b/c you won't move on when it's clear you should...They inevitably lose interest, get bored and begin shifting away from you, you just don't realize or know how to read that kind of behavior, you sit around too long contemplating the obvious...

If you like someone and want to give it a shot but he's clear he doesn't want that shot, YOU MOVE ON, you don't settle for friendship unless you truly have no feelings for him beyond a friend. When you like and love a guy but he can't like and love you back then you move on not b/c he's bad but b/c he's bad for you b/c he's never going to be consistent, he's going to blow hot and cold b/c that's what friends do to other friends, many women get stuck on a man, she secretly hopes he will change his mind and when he blows cold cold cold she starts behaving like a confused girlfriend...Your not his girlfriend and he's treating you like a friend...Buy a vowel and solve the puzzle, he's not that into you...Move on

BINGO@become better at translating what I want when I'm actually seeing someone...Figure out what you want, sit down and write it out...Make a promise that you will never be a friend to a man you love and like (notice I said love and like), make a promise that you won't hold yourself hostage to a man that isn't interested in you romantically be it 6 weeks into it or 6 months, give yourself permission to leave not b/c he's bad but b/c there is nothing there for you romantically when he doesn't want what you want anymore and you will be damned if you sit around waiting and begging for love that should come naturally for him and for you.

Someone as beautiful and kind and sweet as you should have men dragging they damn feet across your feet...Something is seriously wrong inside of you if your choosing men that won't/can't appreciate you. You are absolutely worth all of the attention, all of the love, all of the consistency a man can give...When he stop..You stop

the moment you dump his ass for good, stop being his SUPER DUPER GREAT friend..I can promise you he will be all up in your face trying to convince you to take him on romantically.

Posted by tiki33
the moment you dump his ass for good, stop being his SUPER DUPER GREAT friend..I can promise you he will be all up in your face trying to convince you to take him on romantically.

This actually made me laugh. I need to be more assertive in relationships compared to how I'm more assertive when I'm not in one. It's almost funny how much my attitude changes when I'm with someone. I actually attract a fair amount of guys (or I intimidate them according to one friend); I just don't know what to do with myself when I land one. It's something I'm still figuring out, but becoming better at understanding compared to like a year ago. I'm still figuring out the ins and outs of relationships.

I know your still figuring it out, your young and there is still hope, so the next time a guy leads you to believe he wants more than friendship and then he flips a new channel to let's just be friends...please dump his ass, don't even think twice about it...Okay

Posted by tiki33
I know your still figuring it out, your young and there is still hope, so the next time a guy leads you to believe he wants more than friendship and then he flips a new channel to let's just be friends...please dump his ass, don't even think twice about it...Okay

I can do that. Well, I can try to do that more often. Hopefully it doesn't always turn out that way in the future, lol.

And I agree, it's really hard to hate cancers. There aren't many guys that turn me into puddy like they do. I can give an aries and a scorpio a run for their money (and boy, have I), but cancers manage break my poor little heart. Fuckers 😛

You'd be surprised what a cancer will do when he realizes he doesn't have all of you and you won't sit there and be his bitch.

Yeah yeah. I'm just going to worry about myself and cut the bullshit. If anything, he's not getting his book back unless he asks for it (because I'm not going to drag my feet and blow up his phone), in which case he already knows I'm willing to return it. It's a good book at least.

Posted by Days22

Posted by shellshocker

Posted by Days22
Cancers seem to always text you and say they want to see you and then dissapear awhile.

They DO want to see you...

just not yet 😉

lol
ik

I dont know why u make us wait tho. Assholes.

But I love all of u assholes. 🙂 lol

click to expand

it could be so we don't rip your clothes off when we see you... could complicate things more

you don't sleep much, do you

I agree with Tiki for sure. The thing people don't get is that love isn't supposed to be that hard. If that guy really wanted to be with you, you would know it. You need to play it cool, if he doesn't reciprocate your efforts then it's time to let it go. Cancer or no Cancer, it hardly has anything to do with that. I've played hard to get, but it was obvious that I was interested, however hesitant. If you have to torture yourself over this relationship then it's not worth it. Maturity plays a big part, and it sounds like he isn't there yet. Love isn't complicated, marriage is, in my opinion.

good advice!

candeh girl aawww he's close to jumping in his shell. as the only two shell'd signs + waters we relate well. I'm gonna say with that scorp moon ur a magnate to him. sometimes that's not something either of u (or both) r ready for..,
& u may be pulling away emotionally on a subconcious level & he feels this & reacts on a physical level. what u need to do is communicate face to face. I mean how can u meet in the middle if u both keep backing up?

waters feelings run deep

my 3 closest male friends r crabs I know thier behavior

cancerleocusps comment was real close to what I'd say.

wish u much luv w crab 🙂

days :O a crab chickie!

^ I'm so happy for u

🙂 c candeh waters.....

Posted by hardcandy
candeh girl aawww he's close to jumping in his shell. as the only two shell'd signs + waters we relate well. I'm gonna say with that scorp moon ur a magnate to him. sometimes that's not something either of u (or both) r ready for..,
& u may be pulling away emotionally on a subconcious level & he feels this & reacts on a physical level. what u need to do is communicate face to face. I mean how can u meet in the middle if u both keep backing up?

waters feelings run deep

my 3 closest male friends r crabs I know thier behavior

cancerleocusps comment was real close to what I'd say.

wish u much luv w crab 🙂

Despite what was said in this thread before, what I sense from him has always been apprehension and uncertainty (not just with me, but with other things in his life); never an actual desire to push my buttons and string me along. I left a lot of this out (which I probably shouldn't have), but he revealed a lot of things to me that kept me from really taking that necessary plunge and to assert myself like I should have. He isn't a bad person at all; he's beautiful even. We are both a lot alike when it comes to dating, our interactions with people, our family (and we actually talked about this); but for two people who have both had issues with dating, two wrongs don't really make a right as they say. Compared to him, I probably had my head on straight while he's still figuring things out himself (and he did warn me about this). While I shouldn't have just settled, I believe I chose to because I understood him and his moments where he couldn't reach clarity. He was honest about how he felt, hence why I'm not even necessarily hurt or anything. But, I can't bend and twist myself for it all the time. I care about him a lot, and even if things didn't work, I'd look upon him with such fondness, and I told him no matter what, we'd be in each other's good graces. I do have to worry about myself though.

And that's the thing Candeh you get caught up with a man that can't/won't be available to you no matter his reasons, even when he reveals he can't and won't you still INVEST in him emotionally and there is no way you can NOT get hurt by behaving this way. Most adults if not all have issues and problems yet we all have hopes to have a wonderful life with someone despite our problems, well least most of us do...When you settle it says a lot about how you feel about yourself, maybe that's were you can pause and begin to fix that part so you can learn how to graciously move on, this isn't about a man being bad, it's about how available he is and is that availability good enough for you...

You have to take responsibility for yourself which I believe you are attempting to do, your responsible for your love life, no man is going to do that part for you. If you allow yourself to attach yourself to an unavailable man, continue to pine and get hurt over these men your going to come up short and become bitter, not b/c these men are bad it's b/c you use bad judgement as in staying when it's clear you should be moving on. Men like him will frustrate you to no end, make you lose yourself in him and his stuff and it's not healthy.

I totally agree with lunarlady, love is not hard despite so many people making it hard, it's easy, it's natural and it's reciprocal. Don't forget about YOU when you get around a man, if he can't offer you what you desire, need and want then use SELF LOVE and move on, it will only hurt you to keep digging into a man's life, trying to bond and find some sort of emotional security and commonality yet he's not sure about his life, his path nor sure if he wants to be available with you but continuously using you as his therapist and friend when it's convenient for him, your bound to get hurt over his actions.

It's admirable for a man to tell a woman he's not ready but it's not admirable for a woman to string herself along in hopes of change especially after the truth has been revealed.

Hi Candeh,
I read your posts here and on the Virgo board too. Like Tiki I also think you are a very sweet person who deserves better. I was someone who was very guarded in the past and avoided relationships but I've learned as a rule of thumb to avoid men who say they do not want a relationship. Forget it and run because there are guys who will not jump into one from the beginning or start out with a relationship as their intention but they will have more of a go with the flow attitude. They will want to get to know you and want more if you are compatible with them. They will also want to make things official after a few months of spending time together. Even cancer men, although they tend to avoid wording things in certain terms they will be calling all the time and wanting to just be together a lot to the point it might overwhelm you.
I do understand what you mean when you say you don't want a relationship or that you are not looking for one. When I first meet someone I am attracted to of course I don't want a commitment with them because I don't even know them and what they are really like. However, after getting to know them it will be a different story and if things don't change accordingly I have to go.
Also, another thing I've learned is not to do anything for or with anyone if I feel it will lead me to want something from them like attention or a stronger bond or a favour blah blah blah.
You might think that's not why you do what you do with him but you are here wondering why you don't hear from him (so to me that means you would like his attention) but when there is no relationship that entitles him to get the best of you without giving you the best of him. If you feel that you have trouble choosing good guys just don't take action until any man extends himself to you then react to that (every step of the way no exceptions) and don't become an unlimited offer to any guy either if he takes too long in between gestures forget it. If he doesn't recognize his luck of finding you then leave him to toy with someone else and move on to someone with a brain.

I think I am in love with Tiki and Virgodreams...

I have never read better advice in my life. I wish I could print this thread out
and I wish y'all would collabo and write a book.

Love y'all to bits! Such wisdom!

Mocha

Thanks for your input everyone! I've taken it all to heart. virgodreamz, your post really resonated with me.

An update on the situation

I did hear from the cancer the other day, and he asked if I could see him so that we could talk. He told me that he felt extremely guilty for having been so busy and not being in touch, and I told him that we should talk about things because I wanted a few answers before I did anything. So yesterday, we did end up talking. He had been very busy getting himself together and going to interviews (and I knew this, but I sensed something else). He told me that he hadn't stopped thinking about me and that he felt guilty again for not having been in touch for the last few days. He also admitted that he had been distancing himself because he had to focus. The distancing was what I had been sensing; I knew that he hadn't just disappeared; however, I wasn't as upset only because I had been doing the same thing as well. I have always been perfectly aware of how he felt about me, but I think we both chose to remain a little aloof knowing our situations: him getting his career on track and me focusing on school and work still. This wasn't a situation of him not wanting this (and the same for me), but him knowing his life wouldn't allow it now. But we both had such a strong connection that we couldn't necessarily say no. He was the kind of person I couldn't ignore, and regardless of our situation, I never once regretted our time together. I told the cancer that I knew from the beginning what was going on, but that I still cared for him regardless, not just romantically but as a person. He seemed really humbled by this and I continued to tell him that I wanted him to focus on his life and that no matter what, I'd think of him fondly and we'd be good no matter what our status was. I left that night feeling relieved instead of disappointed. This cancer is a rare case, and while I was making the same mistakes I made with some guys, I do not regret it in this case.

Before I left I told him this, "If and when we run into each other in the future, please don't hesitate to say hello to me and ask me if I want to get coffee, where I will specifically get tea instead of coffee." It kind of sums up our relationship and I feel better for having gotten to speak with him before we both move on with our lives soon.