We started and finished wrong, but i'm confused

So, I'm not sure there is a question or an answer here, but I'd like to get some objective perspective. Hopefully that'll give me the closure to move on and not make the same mistakes or run into the same problems.

My friend NG introduced us during our first yr law school. I was still reeling from a tough divorce with a 4yr old child, so I was closed off to anyone at that point, much less a guy 8 yrs younger than me. He hung around like a sweet happy puppy, and was so persistent I couldn't help noticing all of his great qualities and it took him 6 months to convince me (he said) to sleep with him. It was quick and awkward, but I had come to care for him a lot and didn't want to mess up that friendship I was starting to rely on.

A couple of months later, I stopped resisting. Law school being a den of gossips I wanted to keep us secret until I could figure out all the confusing emotions. For a while we had fun with this secret affair until he declared his love for me and I felt the same, but we talked and I think I convinced him it wouldn't likely work (stupid me).

We made an arrangement to see each other until one of us dated, but promised to always be in each others lives no matter what happened, and if when we were old and unmarried, we could marry then. I didn't want to see him waste his youth on me as I'd done on my ex. ONLY two rules had to be followed. (1) NEVER have sex with me if he's dating and having sex with another woman. I don't share well (Aries, ). (2) He must tell me the instant he meets a woman he wants to date, when its getting serious (he wants sex) and the whole truth even if it might hurt.

He invited me to hang out with his friends and family and I met his mother, reluctantly bc I had an idea what that might mean, but soon he stopped asking me out and we only spent time around my friends, pretending to be friends in public and lovers in private. We went on this way for a couple of years. He flew through a couple of girls, but always came back asking why I wouldn't be his girlfriend, getting angrier and angrier each time. I didn't know why not anymore. I grew so deeply in love with him that I found it harder and hader to push him away. I had him over to every family event (I had only ever introduced my ex husband to my family before - not even friends). I even had him come on my family vacation with us to the UK. My family loved him too and I felt safer slowly as he became a part of my family so that I kept getting badgered

My family loved him too and I felt safer slowly as he became a part of my family so that I kept getting badgered about not marrying him already.

Back from the trip I wanted to ask him to stop dating other women, but I was scared. The following weekends we spent together, including my son and it was great like a little family. My 9yr son even called him to hang out together on their own at a movie (son had never done that before, even to my own brother). Wow I was smitten! Then I found out I was pregnant and we had talked about it before. He says he's catholic and doesn't believe in abortion. I don't want an abortion, but he's given me so much hot and cold and emotional withdrawal that I don't know what to do. I keep trying to get him to talk to me and maybe help me with my fears so I would feel comfortable with the idea, but he only repeats he'll do the right thing and we'll keep it and we'll figure it out, but it's my body, my decision. Augh.. Our affair was secret so I couldn't talk to anyone and he though there physically for the next three weeks was completely silent most of the time.

I decided I'd rather deal with the pain of abortion than to marry a man who might not love me as more than his baby's mama (confused and hormonal). It was horrible and he was mean to me when I was going through it. We had our first real angry hurtful argument then, but we seemed to talk someof it out and we were lovingly together for another couple of months up until about 5 weeks ago.

NG introduced him to another friend of hers. My age with a 14yr old daughter, attorney and hispanic like him (i stopped halfway through school bc of ex and child issues). We got into a horrible fight two days after they met bc I still hadn't declared my status to my family at my son's bday party and I didn't even know he still felt that way. He apologized, but I ignored him for 3 days. then drama ensued at my house and he came by later that night to console me but he was so distant and he said he really liked the girl. I said this is weird, it feels like we're breaking up, he shrugged.
A week later he was supposed to go camping with us, but backed out, so I stopped by for a drink after his work before we left and we went back to his place. We flirted a bit on that following weekend and I'd noticed he'd stopped texting me every morning. We grabbed drinks and began to talk. I was devastated when he talked about wanting to try and make it work with her. I pretended to be ok with it,

I pretended to be ok with it, but I wanted to run away and cry. He apparently was supposed to see her that night and was late, only it turned out he'd been spending nights at her house and hadn't told her he was grabbing a drink with me to talk platonically at that point. He'd somehow lied to her about where he was and didn't respond to me the whole wknd even thou he was supposed to come with me to my brother's baby shower/ my entire family summer get together. Everyone kept asking me where he was (they treated us like we were already married, including his and my mutual friends who were there). I was in shock and had told him I needed him there bc I was still hurting about us not keeping it (I regretted it badly) since my bro's baby and mine had due dates about 1.5 wk apart.

I'd needed to get books for a class and had told him I'd need them by this wknd svrl wks in a row. I was on my way home, had to pass by his house and texted him I was stopping by there to get my stuff. He chose her (after 2.5 wks?!) and I didnt want to be just his friend anymore. Mad and hurt I demanded he tell his mother to let me get his stuff from his upstairs apt (I helped decorate) or I would (reasurring him I'd never do or say anything to let her know there was something wrong). He said he was still at her place, but called as asked. I like her, we'd had a number of conversations. His dad had met my family at the airport. He'd talked about having them over to our house for dinner one day. I would never have said anything to her anyway. She let me up and told me to lock up behind me and stop by before I left. My son had left toys and we kept forgetting to pick them up. I got all of my stuff (none of the gifts I'd left him over the yrs).

I sobbed the hour ride home as if someone had died. He was my best friend and constant companion for the last 4+ yrs. He didn't call as promised when he got home but left a vmail the next night which I was afraid to return, knowing he was going to rejct me. I wrote him a letter saying I loved him to much to be his friend anymore and that I really hoped she made him happy (meh- i also said some admonishing things about not lying to people in the future and to communicate better so she'd trust better) and left it in his mailbox a couple of days later (I didn't say it quite right after I reread what I wrote). No response by Friday, I finally broke down and told my parents everything. Dad told me to demand he tell me we were through face to fac

My dad told me to demand he tell me we were through face to face. I did and that did not go over well, he texted me back two days later on Saturday night saying he owed me nothing and really mean stuff he's never said before telling me to stop playing games when I've never tried to be anything but completely honest and self-sacrificing for him and to stop coming to his house or work and stop texting or calling him. My general practice has been to always give him ample space and so I replied that I've never shown up unexpectedly to his house or work except the once to drop the letter off (confused, hurt), but I'd not contact him again.

Texting a friend I hadn't talked to in a couple of months bc of all this I copied and pasted the messages he sent so she could see and thought I was texting her with my question and confusion about the situation, but turned out was actually him. I didn't realize it til he called me (@1 am, but she and I had been talking since 11:30pm). He asked me why I was texting him, I denied it then I double checked and saw I had and I apologized for the accident and asked if there was anything else. He paused, then asked, why I was talkking to people. I said I had a right to talk to my friends about my heartbreak so I could heal. Why did he care he'd already moved on. Then he asked what I was telling my friend about us having sex (the wknd btwn his meeting her and "the incident"/my bro's baby shower). he asked if I meant the wknd at the lakehouse (what? no I miscarried that wknd, how could you think, what? I was so confused and tried to remind him giving detail about where we went and he became so angry he started shouting about us not having had sex and that I'd made it all up. He'd never outright yelled at me before and now he was calling me a liar.

The phone hung up and a minute later he called back but a girl said my name and then hung up and another minute later (by now im on the phone with my other friend who'd been helping me talk through it and keep my distance) he calls again to tell me I need to stop calling and texting him. He accused me of sending him ten texts (yelling it over and over several times) when it was only two (I'd told him to check his timestamp phone log) and then he said more gently did I know he was trying everything in his power to stop her from driving to my house to kick my ass (tiny girl who lives a good 1.5 hr away from me at 1am, really?).
I laughed and said it didn't make any sense.She had him

I laughed and said it didn't make any sense.She had him, he wanted her, I'm bowing out and other than the accidental text I have left him alone, why would she feel that much anger and insecurity? He tried yelling at me about making up lies and harassing him and I stopped him and firmly coldly told him, he'd now called me three times and told me his new girlfriend wanted to kick my ass over accidental texts. It's too much drama, I can't handle, please don call me any more.

Then he sends me a text 20 minutes later telling me he's with her. She knows who I am and what I'm about, that I need to stop lying and playing mind games for my mental health, calls me erratic and psychotic and move on get help, we had our time, it's passed, get help. stop hharassing me. Leave me alone.

I mean it was crazy! never spoke to me that way. I replied about how shocked I was about his behavior, reminded him he called me and was trying to pull me into whatever drama he had going on over there, telling me his gf was threatening to beat me up. I've never chased you before and I certainly won't now and asked him to not call me again.

My bro parents and 2 girl friends also couldn't believe he was the one saying these things to me, and said that it was probably her telling him what to write or writing it herself. I bawled at the hurtful things and then later over what she must be saying to our mutual friends or how he didn't stop her and called me a liar and I still love him, but don't understand. I guess our last time together he "cheated on her"? lied to me by omission about being more serious with her than I'd thought. He's clearly staying nights at her house regularly. I would never want to get in the way of his happiness, but I am worried for him.

The next day he de-friended me, announced a relationship with her on facebook and apparently my sis in law and mother both congratulated him (I did look at his facebook page til then tho half the pics are ones I have bc I took them). I am obsessing, but not going anywhere near my phone or him (pride wouldn't let me).

At some point during this time my dad had called him - they'd become pretty close - and talked about things they said and whether he'd been sleeping with both of us at the same time, and whatever was said he still cares about my cancer guy, but said you never trust a guy who can have sex behind his wife's back (like I said my family saw him as my husband essentially). 3 days after the 1am thing he calls my

3 days after the 1am thing he calls my mom and leaves her a vmail offering an olive branch hoping they can still be friends. My father is VP of a big company and my mom is a specialist doc, we have influential friends (sometimes I'd worried he might use me for my connections - cancer guy is essentially an ambulance chaser hoping to become a well rounded trial attorney one day). She says evryone is heartbroken over this (guess she told some of my aunts?) and that I can't ask her to not talk to him anymore, but promised that the relationship had definitely changed between them, but that he might come back when this infatuation ends or maybe he couldn't help lying that way bc he needed to backtrack and try to salvage what he'd started trying to biuld with her, bc maybe she's the one.

I am strong, I'll eventually get over this. Men constantly tell me how gorgeous I am, tho I feel old and tired (awkward kid with braces as a teen/guess it sticks with you), so I know I could date again and maybe eventually find someone. My ex was the only other man I'd ever let catch me and give my heart to, and I really didn't date around much in my youth, so I'm not an expert at breakups.

I'm so confused and hurt. I love him, but he looks like a cheater and a liar and maybe a user. I want him to be happy. I don't know if I could ever trust him again truly, but I still want him in my life, even married and us distant but only friends (no way I'm a homewrecker, EVER). I am afraid he means he doesn't want to see me anymore. I am looking for opinions or ideas about what may be going on with him and whether to hold out hope or let go (bc he's a wolf in sheep clothing or bc he's done with me). Once I let go, I haven't ever let that person back in again.

Honestly I feel for the guy. You rejected the guy and pulled the friend card all the while you're having sex and basically taking up space in his life without a real commitment.

He was right when he said you're playing games. The making him your secret to stopping by unannounced, the note and sending text messages to him on the slick etc.

He was a secret for many years to a lot of people in your inner circle thus he deserves a mental break down after the mess he went through with you.

You have been dishonest from the beginning only to half as fess up after he declared his love.

This guy seemed to really be into you but he gave up somewhere along the way and rightfully so.

Everyone thought he was a friend but he was more than that and this should have been clear to everyone.

Nothing indicated he's an ambulance chaser. He moved on and so should you. Next time try not to play games for years, no wonder he's acting bat shit crazy.

No, he called himself an ambulance chaser, meaning he's a med mal practice attorney.

All of my family knew we had a relationship, but couldn't figure out why I wouldn't just call it what it was apparently. He did love me and I really do love him.

I did mess up. I never intended to play games, I just thought I was doing what was best for him because I was insecure about myself and didn't think I was good enough. I tried to be as honest as possible with him along the way, but he wouldn't talk to me about how he felt most of the time. I get that it may have been his own fear of rejection too, now. I feel horrible for causing him so much pain and probably making him feel like he wasn't good enough for me, i guess.

He lied to me a lot, whether to spare my hurt feelings or by playing me (so I thought) and then how he behaved at the end. But... There has never been a playing games intent on my part, just confusion, fear and not knowing whether he wanted to marry me (which looking back, he stayed with me so long, I was clearly blinded by my fear).

I want to hate him so much for not moving on earlier before I fell so hard.
I don't want to keep hurting him, that was why I told him I couldn't be friends and was backing away. I do want him to be happy. I wish I had just stopped being afraid and let him come the rest of the way into my heart. The pain of his loss is heart-wrendching for me. I don't think he cares about me anymore though and that hurts too. It's been about 5weeks he's known her now and if he's better off this way and really has moved on, ok, I'll let go. Thank you for your input.

"No, he called himself an ambulance chaser, meaning he's a med mal practice attorney. "

No, you implied he might be using you since your family has connections. Nothing indicated he used you for that from your statements.

Try not to get caught up on who lied in this relationship because you are not absolved from lying--what you call keeping a secret as well.

A lie is a lie no matter how big or how small. You started off with a lie by rejecting him when your heart told you to take a chance.

He may have cheated but you cheated your own heart out of openly loving him. The seeds of cheating and lying were planted way before any of this ever happened.

"All of my family knew we had a relationship, but couldn't figure out why I wouldn't just call it what it was apparently. He did love me and I really do love him."

And that's a form of rejection. Did you expect him to stay forever in that kind of relationship? Would you stay with a man that wouldn't even say out loud your his girlfriend after years of dating as a couple?

"I don't think he cares about me anymore though and that hurts too. It's been about 5weeks he's known her now and if he's better off this way and really has moved on, ok, I'll let go. Thank you for your input."

he still cares and is deeply in love with you but he know you have your issues and fears and he need a break from it all. No amount of love will fix your issues.

The reason I sense he is still in love with you is because he is using this new woman to get you out of his system.

Plus the new woman in his life is very threatened by you which is a direct indication she's nagging him to be done with you but the heart does not lie. He can lie to his heart but eventually he will succumb to the truth.

The friend who introduced him to this new girl seems shady. Unless your friend wasn't aware of your relationship with him well in that case she gets a pass.

Give him some space. You need space to get yourself together.

Do not contact him anymore not even by accident. He'll be back. Get busy. Stay calm. It will work itself out.

^^^^ I love Tiki... she's like the Judge Judy of Dxp. 😉

Yes, I did all that whether intentionally or not and no I wouldn't have stayed with a man who did what I did to my guy, which is why I'd been beating my self up about it all and feeling confused about how I could have behaved that way.

I accept that he took steps to make good choices for himself, it's just painful because I hadn't realized how much I was lying to myself, trying to convince my heart it didn't feel so deeply for him. I was behaving stupidly.

You're right, space is best. I need to make myself whole again, get myself right, and I'm working on that now.

Thank you for your input and advice Tiki, it was insightful, helpful and comforting.

Let him go and he'll be back. He's not done yet. It's not over.

I usually do not say things like this but I have a gut feeling it's not over so don't worry. Instead use this time to heal, to allow yourself to feel and be vulnerable again.

You did what you needed to do for you at the time so don't beat yourself up but instead allow him enough respect by giving him space to do what he needs to do for himself right now and doing that can actually pull him closer.

How long am I supposed to wait for him to come back? I've never felt this heartsick in my life. I have only ever let my ex-husband into my heart and I was still recovering from that when my cancer started chasing me (3years post divorce).

I can't help feeling that the longer he's with her, the likelier he'll stay with her and I'll lose him forever.

I always prided myself on not getting like a mushy girl and taking downfalls in stride. Trying not to show jealousy or clingy behavior. I brush myself off, steel my heart and keep walking when hurt (after a bit of sad musing, but not tears), but... I just can't seem to stop sobbing over this every day since it all started a month ago (I guess it's better in that I only sob once or twice a day now and can usually hold it in til everyone's asleep).

I force myself to eat and sleep is rare and doesn't last long. I've tried drowning myself in girl talk, exercise, going out drinking with friends and trying but failing miserably to focus on school, but I don't want him to love her I want him here with me.

I want to ask him how he could drop me so quickly. Did he think I was indifferent? Did he hurt me like this on purpose(no probably not at first, maybe)? Why couldn't we have talked things out. I never cheated on him, much less slept with another man over the last 5 years besides him. I was sooo patient with his dating other girls or getting in a mood and disappearing (very contrary to my Aries nature), waiting for him to tell me he just wanted me (but I guess his blowups every couple of months were supposed to be him telling my that by saying he was angry i wouldnt let him call me his girlfriend and then storming away?!).

I'm sick of feeling this way. When does it end. I want to talk to him or at least announce that we were a couple on Facebook like he did about his relationship about her (but the Facebook announcements seem childish and he'd likely just hate me for it anyway).

I at least want to know why he or maybe when he checked out or how he felt about our relationship so I can at least try to work on the things that weren't good if its never going to work out for us.

We weren't even married, how is it that I feel so gut wrenchingly heartsick over this? Everywhere I look are memories of us happy together at my house, at relatives' houses, most songs on the radio, just everywhere (I'd no idea how deep he'd gotten into my life). I hate how pathetic and desperate I must look and all I can th

Think is how much I miss his consoling hugs and gentle presence that instantly simmered my fire and gave me peace. I want him to tell me what happened from his side, yell at me even (fight for me is what I'd wanted I guess), but I also don't want to hurt him worse by being the reason they broken (although I suppose I would feel a little happy if he broke up with her bc he realized he still loved me). (Its not all that fair to make her collateral damage, just for me).
But part of my problem is that I kept doing things I thought were good for him rather than standing up and taking the love I wanted for me bc it was good for me and maybe not good for him (I guess who am I to know what's good for him, only Ge really knows that).
Telling him all of this is likely to be ignored if I could even get him to meet me and talk to me (which I'm not supposed to be doing).

So torn apart and wish there was at least something I could do besides wait... For 2 months, a year, 5yrs? Smh. 😢

And on that last day we talked face to face he was telling me that I was the love of his life but he wanted to try and make it work with her.

How does someone do that. If you love, don't you go all in? Or is it now his fear that won't let him make heart choices like I'd been?

I keep trying to figure out why he stopped so suddenly or whether it was a long time ago and didnt tell me
And
How in the world this is affecting me so badly, I've never lingered like this before or even considered the idea of taking a guy back once it was over, much less wish we could talk it out right now and try to fix what broke.

I'm still broken hearted, but at least I'm not sobbing all day, every day. I'm going out and trying to be more active and social, but am less interested in my family life since I feel like a huge part of the reason I am still single is bc of how much time and energy I put into my kid (the new gf apparently has her kid used to babysitters and coming home late, bc new gf is an attorney).

Apparently our mutual friends tell me how much id like her and how we'd get along if I got to know her (seriously! is it me or are they clueless or insensitive?). Descriptions makes her out to be almost my twin except she's puerto rican (he's peruvia/ecuadorian) and I'm Irish/Native American - so I think culturally they probably have more in common.

They've known each other 8weeks now and have been official for 4wks. He is now spending every weekend with one of our mutual friends I'd planned on spending the weekend with but he "got to" first (smh) (i swear its like he's doing it on purpose to make me jealous bc the friends will post pics of the "happy couple" on their facebook page saying what a great time they had and what a great person she is.

I am working very hard to get back to me and to try not to think about all the what could have beens and time lost and my stupidity and... well all that negative self talk junk one has when regretting major life choices. I still go back and forth trying to hate him for making me love him and then leaving and trying to find the peace, release, happiness and hope I used to feel when he dated other women while we were just starting to get close, years ago (when I didn't have him so completely involved with my family yet and wasn't ready to be involved yet). I am still having a hard time letting go, though I wish I wasn't.

My current dilemma is here:
I had asked him to return a book I'd lent him a long time ago back on my son's birthday and it was the straw that broke my cool facade on that crazy weird breakup weekend when I demanded to have my books back bc they were the only things I'd lent him (not given) and I wanted as much of me back and nothing for him to cling to (I was so very hurt and confused). I didn't find them and texted him and he'd promised to send them to me as soon as possible (i was needing them for a class this semester) and that was Sept2 before the crazy middle of the night phone call and his follow up calls days later to my parents.

BTW my mom never called him back, but keeps asking me if I want he

BTW my mom never called him back, but keeps asking me if I want her to. I do, but I don't. I want him back, I want a chance to do things right or at least to talk about it, but I don't want to be the bad person who interferes with his new relationship. I've done enough to what we were and I know it's both of our faults for being afraid, but I also made the biggest blunder by pushing him away and not acknowledging our relationship or pursuing his angry outbursts as cries for intimacy that they probably were.

I've been not contacting him except for that one accident about 4wks ago and then deleted his number from my phone. About a week ago I'd finally passed two days of not sobbing about him and felt better about a lot of things so I meant to just ask for the books back again, but (smh) wrote an email that I shouldn't have sent instead:
-------------------------------(Oct 2)
Could you please return my Redbook and the other writing book that I lent you. They weren't in your room and I think I saw them on your desk at the office.

I will always love you. I meant what i said about love being a forever thing for me and wanting you in my life fir the rest of my life. You are also the love of my life whom I'd never thought I'd ever meet.

I brought you into my family and didn't balk at my parents treating you like their son or my son wanting to spend time with just the two of you, or how much my brother or Neel had grown close to you. I'm very protective of my Family, and loved that you had become a permanent fixture in our lives and that you even wanted your parents to join us for our family celebrations.

I see that things between us are a bit different now, except that I will always want to see you happy and successful.

I hope someday we can be friends again, even if it means I must accept that you love another more than me. I will always respect that, as I have the other times before.

I will not speak of these things again unless you ever want to talk about it. I just had to say it one last time before I can let go, now that I'm not sobbing over the loss of us everyday.

I still want to watch your kids grow up and be a part of your and their lives and share my sons milestones with you.

At any rate, I really do need my books back, could you please get them to me as you promised you would?

Thank you,
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He said the next day: Will mail them to you as soon as possible
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I was hurt on Satur

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I was hurt on Saturday when I'd been asking my friend NP to hang out last wknd and all wk (him & his new wife), who my guy had become closer friends with towards the earlier part of this year, only to find out they were heading all of them on a sort of double date to a winery. I admitted NP was right that I wasn't ready to join them as of yet (NP= insensitive, dumb, or is it me?), and we could plan another weekend to hang out.

Still no books and my mom suggested I text the ex (my cancer guy), which is what I must admit he was at least at this point, and ask him to drop the books of by my house since he was coming out to my neck of the woods this Saturday / I'd be elsewhere all wknd. I did and no response and still no books.

I had notes in the books I'd lent him and books are the few things I have strong attachments to (he knew this, bc we had a number of discussions about it over the years) so I have been reluctant to buy new ones. Why won't he return them? I feel like I'm being toyed with and punished, even though reality is he's probably completely oblivious and just doesn't care.
I need them for a paper I am writing and idk how to proceed. Paper is due in 2wks and... should I call him, leave a vmail. Text, email again? say forget it and try to keep pretending like ... just let go, never look back and write off a good five years of my life, instead of holding on.I'm sure I'll close off and seal up my walls again if I let go and my pride and need for self-preservation will kick in and I'll shut down whatever I feel for him whenever it arises because if he loved me wouldn't that have kept him trying to sit down and talk to me and fight for us? It's what I would do. I operated unaturally around him by not being my usual assertive and demanding self, thinking i didn't want to scare him away or ... look needy or desperate.

I think my friends want me to become ok with the new gf so we can all hang out together again, or maybe they just want to wait to see and not get in the middle so are slightly avoiding me, or maybe they've chosen him in the "divorce" and are slowly distancing themselves from me too, by being too busy to call or catch up though we've texted a couple of times about needing to. It's all conjecture right now.

What should I do here?