What motivates you to come out of your shell?

Just wondering when you go hiding in that protective shell for a long period of time (my cancer's period can be 3 weeks, 3 months...and even up to a whole freakin' YEAR), what makes you finally decide it's safe to come out? Just something I've always wondered about.

That's a good question. For me, when I was married, in the latter year I think I stayed in a shell for years. I know for sure the last year it was the whole year. I kept my guard up. Afterwards. After he moved out, I will say it took me a long time to take down the shell. I had to let my guard down to let my kids. My walls were so up, like a person building a brick wall, I was so busy laying bricks, I never realized I confined myself in.

No, 8 years after the divorce I do go in a shell but I try to not stay for long. I go in but I try to figure out what is bothering me and then talk my way out. I can stay in for anywhere from a day to weeks.

I come out when I feel I can communicate why or what harmed me. And I can do that without an emotional breakdown.
Once I feel that I was received, I will come out. But only with some people. Like the current boyfriend.
In regards to some people, I never come out. I stay guarded at all times.

Certainly get that, But often there isn't any logic as to why they scurried in that shell in the first place! "Observation" dictates:
- An attention seeking act
- Just some mood that hit them out of no where
- After a deep discussion to "feel" it out
- Just "refusing" to come out-like some pouting spell or punishment.
- Testing to see how much you "really" care.
- And obviously, after being hurt.

What I'm trying to figure out is...I can do the same coddling on all the occasions. Sometimes it works - sometimes not. Assuring safety may or may not work...do you always determine if it's time to come out based on emotion (... it feels like it's a good time to come out) ? Or is the decision sometimes made from a logical point of view (ok I've seen enough and convinced she cares)??

Posted by ChrisNews
My walls were so up, like a person building a brick wall, I was so busy laying bricks, I never realized I confined myself in.

Very interesting..."busy laying bricks..." Gives a totally different picture I had not thought of!

Posted by ChrisNews
I come out when I feel I can communicate why or what harmed me. And I can do that without an emotional breakdown.
Once I feel that I was received, I will come out.

Can't even begin to tell you how much this opens my eyes. Thanks!

Posted by CluelessCancer
Anybody who goes into a "shell" for more than a couple of weeks unless busy with a project/goal shouldn't be dealt with, period!

& Even then there should be some form of communication. Hey, sorry, i'm not feeling good about things, i really don't want to talk, i need time for myself.

Don't attempt to put zodiac sign BS on poor behavior.

+1 it only takes a minute to shoot a txt.... But then again I might be speaking out of spite since my Scorpio bf still MIA.

Posted by CluelessCancer
Anybody who goes into a "shell" for more than a couple of weeks unless busy with a project/goal shouldn't be dealt with, period!

& Even then there should be some form of communication. Hey, sorry, i'm not feeling good about things, i really don't want to talk, i need time for myself.

Don't attempt to put zodiac sign BS on poor behavior.

Certainly get what you're saying. Sometimes people are just being a turd! But I also just want a deeper understanding of what may be really going on inside.

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by SunMoomLioness

Posted by ChrisNews
My walls were so up, like a person building a brick wall, I was so busy laying bricks, I never realized I confined myself in.

Very interesting..."busy laying bricks..." Gives a totally different picture I had not thought of!

you on the other hand probably haven't done anything but coddle this monkey. Look if a man want's to be with you, he won't play these games.

period.

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Not accurate. He has always communicated with me as to what he needs or is going through. I'm a Leo, so you KNOW I will demand at least that much AND get it one way or another! _— I've known him for some time now and have observed his shell withdrawal and interaction with others. I'm pretty consistent in how I handle him, so often my "coddling" results in just letting him be, giving him space and being a friend when he emerge.

Don't assume I'm asking this because I am in the situation. I dumped my cancer bf..see "dumped cancer man, now what?" He's not the only cancer I know. I've been observing my cancer friends for a while now, and this part of their personality intrigues me (when observing from a distance), infuriates me ( when in a relationship and this is occurring), and puzzles me because I can't figure out the ins and outs of it!!! LOL

Posted by CluelessCancer
I do that with my friends all the time and family too, but i can't do that with a significant other, it's too hard for me, because my emotions are bound to that individual, so for me to distance myself like that means i'm not into them.

So are you saying your emotions don't get as bound up with your family? And this enables you to withdraw more easily?

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by SunMoomLioness
Don't assume I'm asking this because I am in the situation. I dumped my cancer bf..see "dumped cancer man, now what?" He's not the only cancer I know. I've been observing my cancer friends for a while now, and this part of their personality intrigues me (when observing from a distance), infuriates me ( when in a relationship and this is occurring), and puzzles me because I can't figure out the ins and outs of it!!! LOL

You know what, I thought about it, i didn't realize, but i do the same thing. I guess I'm in my shell currently.

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Come out...come out...wherever you are _??

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by SunMoomLioness

Posted by CluelessCancer
I do that with my friends all the time and family too, but i can't do that with a significant other, it's too hard for me, because my emotions are bound to that individual, so for me to distance myself like that means i'm not into them.

So are you saying your emotions don't get as bound up with your family? And this enables you to withdraw more easily?

I guess it's a timing thing of course i'm bound to my family, but right now because I'm seeking a life-mate, that's a primary concern. Plus I'm always engaged with my family, but with a man, it's rare for me, so when it feels like a connection or love, it's hard for me to disengage. Whereas I can easily with friends or family (of course if i am needed i'm there 100% , but i won't go out of my way to reach out).

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Gotcha. _??

Posted by CluelessCancer
You know what sucks, when your in your shell, and everyone wants to party with you, but when you want to hang out, nobody got time for you.

funny how that happens.

So, when they wanted to party, you were not available for them, and now that you want to party, you just expect them to be available for you? Too funny!

With friends I pull away. I even cut off completely.

I used to not speak up but that was when I was younger. Now I will. The older I get the more I learn to speak from different positions.
So with friends I speak bluntly but without accusations. I pull away when I don't feel the friendship is positive.
I have cut people off completely. But I do give grace and pull back when it was a casual remark and they didn't know it hurt.

Once I felt slighted by my personal trainer. (a virgo lol) He was clueless about it. It was nothing really. But that night it was a huge deal to me. I was also menstrual so I know myself. I am ultra sensitive during that time.
I wanted to never see him again, to have him never train me. So for the next few days I guarded myself, pulled back and put on my "woe is I" blanket.
I never shared with him
I did go back the next week and again felt like he didn't notice me so thus I must be justified.
The following werk he said something that made me laugh and I realized that it was all in my imagined head, that he, being male, doesn't act vindictive.
I dropped my guard down and we went on with our friendship.
He never knew how much I wanted to call him up and cancel the training and tell him how he hurt me. All in my head. He would have been like WTH.

My shell used to be my world when I was younger. I never felt a reason to come out.
But its unhealthy, and when you have kids, and when they are teens, you can't be crying when they shout out of anger, "I hate you"
You have to toughen up and say, so what, I am still your mom.
lol
My trials with the ex husband made me tough, and taught me great lessons. I learned how to delay expression, be content in my shell and use my shell as a shield when he would try to hurt me with names. I learned to let them bounce off and not enter my mind.

Now, that I am older I go into my shell for short periods - hours if that. I also have self awareness.
I can say, ok, I am ovulating, I am sensitive. I am going to cry. I know when I am feeling ultra sensitive. lol I want to watch chick flicks.
The rest of the month, an action movie where someone dies is my type of movie. I'd rather watch Die Hard every day of the week than the Notebook. but catch me on an ultra sensitive day, and I"d be "ok" to the notebook. My daughter is my thermometer. She tells me, you are being a drama queen.

Can you get me out my shell? Sometime people can. My son being silly can. My mom can sometimes. This virg

rest...
This virgo man I am with now knows how to talk sweet, he can.
What helps most is having someone say, I know your guard is up, and you are in your shell and want to be alone. I just want you to know I will be here when you are ready to come out.
lol

I feel then obligated to get out, so that helps. The one that can say that smoothly is my best friend. He is a cancer. He gets me, cause he too goes into his shell.

Posted by ChrisNews
My shell used to be my world when I was younger. I never felt a reason to come out.

Now that's an eye opener! You may stay in there simply because you're comfortable and see no reason to come out. Very very interesting. _??_

@SunMoom Yeah when I was younger it was much more interesting than coming out. I lived in the country. Life wasn't that exciting. I was somewhat sheltered.
The shell life isn't just a closet where you put on a bullet proof vest and hide there.
Sometimes it is like a complete apartment. Where you go about your day and move and laugh and live.. alone.
I can take some books in that shell and shut down. Sometimes I want too. I'd love to take a weekend, drive a few hours and lock myself in a hotel room and just read. I have stacks of book I haven't finished.

I am a cancer and I am an introvert. People drain me. My son is an extrovert. He needs people around him. He likes crowds, the more people he has around him, the more alive he becomes.
I am the complete opposite. I can hang out all day with people, even a guy I am dating and at the end of the day, I need some alone time. The more people around me, the more alone time I want.

It isn't going into a shell, it is just that being an introvert, I recharge being alone.

@ChrisNews Thanks for truly enlightening me about the shell. I know each person is different...but now my thinking on this matter has changed direction. _??

Posted by SunMoomLioness
Just wondering when you go hiding in that protective shell for a long period of time (my cancer's period can be 3 weeks, 3 months...and even up to a whole freakin' YEAR), what makes you finally decide it's safe to come out? Just something I've always wondered about.

theres a shell entry time and shell exit time! it works according to our own clocks. i can go for some days in my shell but i like going outside as well and meeting people so i finally either get called for plans or make them.... but shell time is imp. it helps me dream, plan , work silently behind the scenes keeping a low profile , think , read( i love my books) , listen to soothing music.

there is an exception though as cc stated that if i have a love interest or in a relationship i cant be brooding away from them for long. maybe then she is the only person who is in contact and knows whats up with me ...and i mean not even my family!

A party where great food, spirits and people will commingle!

Posted by krebbsmann

Posted by SunMoomLioness
Just wondering when you go hiding in that protective shell for a long period of time (my cancer's period can be 3 weeks, 3 months...and even up to a whole freakin' YEAR), what makes you finally decide it's safe to come out? Just something I've always wondered about.

there is an exception though as cc stated that if i have a love interest or in a relationship i cant be brooding away from them for long. maybe then she is the only person who is in contact and knows whats up with me ...and i mean not even my family!

click to expand

Now that makes a lot of sense..never could understand why one of my cancer friends would be communicating with me...but his family and other friends would be like...where he go? I guess he's trusts me a bit more? Nice to know _??