What to do when my cancer ex boyfriend calls?
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by CMT on Monday, June 3, 2013 and has 13 replies.
Had been in a relationship with my ex cancer boyfriend for 4 years. I'm in my 20s, he's 10 year older than me. I knew he loved me very much he even wanted to marry me and we split due to lack of communication and him being said and disappointed for the last 1 year. He says he doesn't trust me anymore and doesn't want to have a relationship with me and it's over, though I beg and cry all the time. He's very angry with me constantly begging and pleading, so he said he would call me again in one month. I don't know what to do or say when he calls me- he said he didn't trust me anymore and refuses to give me a second chance. I love him more than any man in my life and my heart is shuttered. Cancers, please tell me what to do, or say when he calls so he sees I love him dearly and still I don't lose my dignity?
Ok, first of, thank you for making time for my post. seraph, I didn't provide more details, because I didn't want my post to become too long 
But ok, here I go: we were in a relationship for 4 years with me ending living in his place. The last year was pretty tense due to me having to complete my master law degree and I had exams almost every month, that's why I feel I NEGLECTED my relationship with him. He wanted to marry me almost from the first year being together but frankly I just wasn't ready. Not that I didn't want to marry HIM, I just wasn't ready for the step. And the last year we become more and more distant, we hardly talked normally, so when I graduated everything was pretty messed up we decided I should move and I left town for almost 2 months.
That's when I could finally think normally and get rid of all the stress I realized what had happened. I got back in his town, found I new job and tried to talk to him, told him I loved him but somehow he doesn't believe/ hear anything I say, he doesn't trust me, (he doesn't believe I had serious plans spending my life with him) and basically all he keeps saying is "You had 4 years with me, now it is too late, I don't believe you are serious and you've changed" - he pretty much sees me as a kid, as I am 24 and he's 34. And believe me I had plans with him almost from the start I just was too scared to talk about. For the last few weeks I've been crying and begging and explaining (cancer moon with scorpio venus kicking out) and he picks phone every time, we saw each other a few times and finally he told me to stop calling and losing my dignity and he would called me after one MONTH. All he said is "It is always about YOU". He said he doesn't want relationship with anyone right now and he said he won't give me another chance but he also said if I was changed he could see it even through the phone (?). I know all of this sounds stupid, I just would give anything to be near him again and make up for all the mistakes I've made. That's why I am looking for any advice what should I say when he calls me? Should I pursue him further or say nothing about my feelings? I've been dwelling in my own personal hell for awhile.
But ok, here I go: we were in a relationship for 4 years with me ending living in his place. The last year was pretty tense due to me having to complete my master law degree and I had exams almost every month, that's why I feel I NEGLECTED my relationship with him. He wanted to marry me almost from the first year being together but frankly I just wasn't ready. Not that I didn't want to marry HIM, I just wasn't ready for the step. And the last year we become more and more distant, we hardly talked normally, so when I graduated everything was pretty messed up we decided I should move and I left town for almost 2 months. That's when I could finally think normally and get rid of all the stress I realized what had happened. I got back in his town, found I new job and tried to talk to him, told him I loved him but somehow he doesn't believe/ hear anything I say, he doesn't trust me, (he doesn't believe I had serious plans spending my life with him) and basically all he keeps saying is "You had 4 years with me, now it is too late, I don't believe you are serious and you've changed" - he pretty much sees me as a kid, as I am 24 and he's 34. And believe me I had plans with him almost from the start I just was too scared to talk about. For the last few weeks I've been crying and begging and explaining (cancer moon with scorpio venus kicking out) and he picks phone every time, we saw each other a few times and finally he told me to stop calling and losing my dignity and he would called me after one MONTH. All he said is "It is always about YOU". He said he doesn't want relationship with anyone right now and he said he won't give me another chance but he also said if I was changed he could see it even through the phone (?). I know all of this sounds stupid, I just would give anything to be near him again and make up for all the mistakes I've made. That's why I am looking for any advice what should I say when he calls me? Should I pursue him further or say nothing about my feelings? I've been dwelling in my own personal hell for awhile.
seraph, you made some pretty good points - he indeed views me as selfish/ needing him after I've moved all alone. And I want to marry him, I was viewing my life with him almost from the start, I'm not one of those people who want something only after they've lost it - just the whole idea of "marriage" was somehow pushed at the back of my mind as something that should wait me taking my masters degree, but internally I never had doubts I would spend my life with my Cancer man. I also never spoke directly with him about marriage, though he approached it sideways.
That's why I know where he's coming from and he has his rights. I know words mean nothing if you haven't shown the person through your actions. I just can't leave my man to be "the- one-that- got- away", I've loved him from day 1 for 4 years.
He claims he's over me/happy alone/doesn't want a relationship/ has changed and doesn't want marriage and kids anymore.
I know he's being hurt too much. And if he could see inside my head, I would make him the happiest man on Earth, because he deserves that and is one of the greatest and most kind people I know. It's eating me up I can't put my words in actions, because we don't have any contact currently. What do you think is the possible reaction after cancer taking one month with no contact? Also why did he tell me he'll call in exactly one month? If he is firm with his decision why wait a whole month?
(ALSO, One thing I couldn't get because it was so opposite to everything else he told me - he said after one month he would probably call me and I would be distant like he was now, and then HE would be the one to start pursuing me. I found that very odd, because he's just not that type of man who would.). I don't want to look desperate/ needy when he calls, cause I don't want him to see me as childish, so what should my reaction be when he calls in order to not push him further away? Say I love him? Be good friend to him? Say I respect his decision whatsoever? I know It's difficult, as nearly impossible for a cancer to forgive you, but I know he loved me very much and I still love him...
That's why I know where he's coming from and he has his rights. I know words mean nothing if you haven't shown the person through your actions. I just can't leave my man to be "the- one-that- got- away", I've loved him from day 1 for 4 years.
He claims he's over me/happy alone/doesn't want a relationship/ has changed and doesn't want marriage and kids anymore.
I know he's being hurt too much. And if he could see inside my head, I would make him the happiest man on Earth, because he deserves that and is one of the greatest and most kind people I know. It's eating me up I can't put my words in actions, because we don't have any contact currently. What do you think is the possible reaction after cancer taking one month with no contact? Also why did he tell me he'll call in exactly one month? If he is firm with his decision why wait a whole month?
(ALSO, One thing I couldn't get because it was so opposite to everything else he told me - he said after one month he would probably call me and I would be distant like he was now, and then HE would be the one to start pursuing me. I found that very odd, because he's just not that type of man who would.). I don't want to look desperate/ needy when he calls, cause I don't want him to see me as childish, so what should my reaction be when he calls in order to not push him further away? Say I love him? Be good friend to him? Say I respect his decision whatsoever? I know It's difficult, as nearly impossible for a cancer to forgive you, but I know he loved me very much and I still love him...
Thank you, seraph again for being so kind and making time to respond You gave me some good things to think about. I'm not sure if I could text him, because he doesn't check his email or skype but anyway I will write again whenever there is some closure.
You gave me some good things to think about. I'm not sure if I could text him, because he doesn't check his email or skype but anyway I will write again whenever there is some closure. 
Posted by seraphPosted by CMT
Had been in a relationship with my ex cancer boyfriend for 4 years. I'm in my 20s, he's 10 year older than me. I knew he loved me very much he even wanted to marry me and we split due to lack of communication and him being said and disappointed for the last 1 year. He says he doesn't trust me anymore and doesn't want to have a relationship with me and it's over, though I beg and cry all the time. He's very angry with me constantly begging and pleading, so he said he would call me again in one month. I don't know what to do or say when he calls me- he said he didn't trust me anymore and refuses to give me a second chance. I love him more than any man in my life and my heart is shuttered. Cancers, please tell me what to do, or say when he calls so he sees I love him dearly and still I don't lose my dignity?
I'm not a Cancer so I won't answer (but I can rhyme on a dime.)
click to expand
Hahahahaha...
whats wrong with severing everything with a dimwit?
Just don't answer. That is the easiest solution.
You lost me here- why not answer?
Hey,I just thought I should give a brief update to what happened next for those who replied and for those who are currently in a relationship with cancer men
So, my cancer called me after some time, although it wasn't at all what I expected - we didn't talk about getting back together. We didn't actually see each other up until his birthday a few weeks later - I bought him a gift and he was very flattered though he didn't show it, and at that time he was still very firm he didn't want a romantic relationship with me. As time passed and just when I was slowly starting to accept that we won't ever get back together, he accepted my invitation for a weekend with my family (and drove 300 km to get there).
Ever since we spend that weekend, we are together, no fighting, no games, and I've never felt more in love with him and vice versa. We go out often and he keeps bragging in front of his friends about me, he hugs and kisses me tenderly all the time, and sometimes he would squeeze me with his claws like a lost puppy frightened that he would lose me again. For someone else maybe it would feel suffocating, but for someone as possesive as I am, it's delightful ^^
I wrote all this just to give hope to all those currently finding themselves in a conflicted/hot-cold relationship with cancers. I'm not trying to generalise, but sometimes they really need to process stuff, and if they are acting cold - do not be foold -it's just an exterior for their fear they would not receive back the love they give themselves. Maybe they just need to be sure they found some persuasive enough who will stick around for them to open up again...
So, my cancer called me after some time, although it wasn't at all what I expected - we didn't talk about getting back together. We didn't actually see each other up until his birthday a few weeks later - I bought him a gift and he was very flattered though he didn't show it, and at that time he was still very firm he didn't want a romantic relationship with me. As time passed and just when I was slowly starting to accept that we won't ever get back together, he accepted my invitation for a weekend with my family (and drove 300 km to get there).
Ever since we spend that weekend, we are together, no fighting, no games, and I've never felt more in love with him and vice versa. We go out often and he keeps bragging in front of his friends about me, he hugs and kisses me tenderly all the time, and sometimes he would squeeze me with his claws like a lost puppy frightened that he would lose me again. For someone else maybe it would feel suffocating, but for someone as possesive as I am, it's delightful ^^
I wrote all this just to give hope to all those currently finding themselves in a conflicted/hot-cold relationship with cancers. I'm not trying to generalise, but sometimes they really need to process stuff, and if they are acting cold - do not be foold -it's just an exterior for their fear they would not receive back the love they give themselves. Maybe they just need to be sure they found some persuasive enough who will stick around for them to open up again...
It sounds like circumstances (you being busy with your juris doctorate) and stages of life (he's ready for marriage/you're not) is what harpooned this relationship. If that's the case and there's not more to the breakup AND you do love him then I think it's worth it to hang on and try to prove to him that you are serious about him. He sounds hurt and has trust issues. If you're willing to be patient, you might be able to get back on the same page. You won't know what's possible if you don't try. Good luck!
caster721, scorpio sun yes and seraph, thank you again for the advise. I wish the best to all of you!
and seraph, thank you again for the advise. I wish the best to all of you!
Posted by caster721
I fell inluv with this forum..... The way u described into details how much u luv ur cancer man and did not want him to be "the one that got away" and all the effort u put into trying to really understand him and work to get him back although u were not sure of that - That is a best gesture/attitude every cancer dream of. Being a cancer, i would say seraph gave u the best advise u would ever get. I wouldn't put it any otherway, hell i'm not even sure if i would have been able to advise u as seraph did. He really understand us...and that's what i dream about, to have someone who would understand me to that extent without getting tired and end up despising me.
At tyms we come off as weird coz we love too much and are afraid that we'll never find someone who can love us the same way and to that extent while still value us.
Just to add a bit (this is for u and other people). What'evr happenz btn u guyz, alwayz show a cancerian that u luv'em and VALUE their luv n care even when u end'up in two separate ways.
Seraph is a sweet, very comforting and wise Lion. Some sugar from a stranger:-)
Posted by CMT
caster721, scorpio sun yes
good luck to you guys. I hope it works for you!
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