when cancer pulls away
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by sunniegrrl on Thursday, February 23, 2006 and has 18 replies.
hello, i am leo-virgo cusp (aug 20) and my boyfriend is cancer-leo cusp (july 20). We've only been together three months but i have already gotten used to his hot and cold moods. It seems to go on a week by week basis, one week he can't get enough of me and the next I am wondering if he still wants to be with me. I've gotten used to it though, even though i'm not getting as much attention as i'd like to i appreciate his many other wonderful qualities.
my question for you cancer men is this: When he retreats is it best for me to continue giving him attention like normal, or should i leave him alone? I don't have a problem with either but i usually give him more attention during these times (in an attept to pull him back out of his shell) but now i am worried i might be smothering him. any advice will help! thanks!
my question for you cancer men is this: When he retreats is it best for me to continue giving him attention like normal, or should i leave him alone? I don't have a problem with either but i usually give him more attention during these times (in an attept to pull him back out of his shell) but now i am worried i might be smothering him. any advice will help! thanks!
Wow are you talking of my bf? lol No, wait that's not funny.
He does the same thing... not week to week though... don't know, don't think I'm always aware of the mood change and he's still with me so my answer is to just ignore it.
I think it perplexed me in a beginning too, he'd be real affectionate most of the time then sometimes distant... can't remember what I thought of it then, we didn't really know each other...
Anyway, but I think you should tell him if you don't feel like you're getting as much attention as you'd like. Like you I've wondered if he too still wanted to be with me... so I asked him and he said he did and asked me why I would ask something like that... I just said 'just wondering' but he reassured me anyway. What I perceived though was that he isn't aware of whatever mood changes he has sometimes, which I understand because he lives with it.
Then a couple of months ago I actually got mad or more like sad and emotional because I went to visit him and he was real moody and paid no attention to me whatsoever so I just left but said nothing cuz I didn't want to make a deal about it. A few days later we had a little argument... instigated by me because subconsciously I was probably still angry and HE brought it up out of the blue by apologizing about that day and saying that he had been grouchy ha ha ha grouchy
So yeah poinnnttt is that it really is no big deal and in my experience when you tell them about something that bothers you they do make an effort to please you... over the next few days or weeks to not make it so noticeable that it was after you told them lol
He does the same thing... not week to week though... don't know, don't think I'm always aware of the mood change and he's still with me so my answer is to just ignore it.
I think it perplexed me in a beginning too, he'd be real affectionate most of the time then sometimes distant... can't remember what I thought of it then, we didn't really know each other...
Anyway, but I think you should tell him if you don't feel like you're getting as much attention as you'd like. Like you I've wondered if he too still wanted to be with me... so I asked him and he said he did and asked me why I would ask something like that... I just said 'just wondering' but he reassured me anyway. What I perceived though was that he isn't aware of whatever mood changes he has sometimes, which I understand because he lives with it.
Then a couple of months ago I actually got mad or more like sad and emotional because I went to visit him and he was real moody and paid no attention to me whatsoever so I just left but said nothing cuz I didn't want to make a deal about it. A few days later we had a little argument... instigated by me because subconsciously I was probably still angry and HE brought it up out of the blue by apologizing about that day and saying that he had been grouchy ha ha ha grouchy
So yeah poinnnttt is that it really is no big deal and in my experience when you tell them about something that bothers you they do make an effort to please you... over the next few days or weeks to not make it so noticeable that it was after you told them lol
Big Babies...
I've been involved with one for 7 years more or less. He gets crabby and needs someone to rag on and then he gets cozy again after he gets it out of his system.
From my experience.....They like relationships and are faithful. Yes, they have mood swings. When he's happy, the world is a brighter place, but let him get upset and it's doom and gloom. I try to dis-arm him with humor. It usually works. I let him see that the problem isn't all that bad and that the sky isn't falling.
As for space; well it may just be in his nature. Why don't you just ask him about it. Tell him the truth, that it makes you feel a little insecure. He may very well WANT you to go chasing after him.
Like I said, from MY experience, the space is often a trigger for him to test me and see how much he means to me. They like pampering. He loves to know that somebody wants to take care of him. He seems to enjoy being chased and he's really not the type to take advantage of it. Maybe "chased" is the wrong word. "Paid Attention To" might be a better way of saying it. Again, he never abuses this like other men. He likes it and it doesn't make him think any less of me or feel like he has me around his finger.
In all sincerity they are nice to have relationships with. The only thing that gets to me is that sometimes I feel smothered. I'm the one who likes to have my space more than him and when I disconnect, he gets angry so I have to go and pamper him a little and then all is OK.
Good Luck
I've been involved with one for 7 years more or less. He gets crabby and needs someone to rag on and then he gets cozy again after he gets it out of his system.
From my experience.....They like relationships and are faithful. Yes, they have mood swings. When he's happy, the world is a brighter place, but let him get upset and it's doom and gloom. I try to dis-arm him with humor. It usually works. I let him see that the problem isn't all that bad and that the sky isn't falling.
As for space; well it may just be in his nature. Why don't you just ask him about it. Tell him the truth, that it makes you feel a little insecure. He may very well WANT you to go chasing after him.
Like I said, from MY experience, the space is often a trigger for him to test me and see how much he means to me. They like pampering. He loves to know that somebody wants to take care of him. He seems to enjoy being chased and he's really not the type to take advantage of it. Maybe "chased" is the wrong word. "Paid Attention To" might be a better way of saying it. Again, he never abuses this like other men. He likes it and it doesn't make him think any less of me or feel like he has me around his finger.
In all sincerity they are nice to have relationships with. The only thing that gets to me is that sometimes I feel smothered. I'm the one who likes to have my space more than him and when I disconnect, he gets angry so I have to go and pamper him a little and then all is OK.
Good Luck
"and when I disconnect, he gets angry"
Lol, they do! In my case he gets pouty or tries to make me jelous which works oh so magnificenttttly ha ha but I'm still not naturally inclined to be so expressive or openly affectionate but he gets me. He knows I care when I act possessive over him which I think he likes because it reassures him and when I ask if he needs something so he knows that I take care of him. His willingness to please me reassures me also
For example he had said that I should stab him in the balls with a fork before we watched 'Curious George' which I suggested we watch on valentines after going out to dinner and then having had some drinks but instead we watched final destination 3 which was oh so romantic lol
But I guess he remembered that I had suggested Curious George and we went to go watch it the other day lol It was sooo boring that I fell asleep on his shoulder and he kept asking me if I wanted to leave but I said no and later when I asked him what he thought of it he took a deep breath and said 'oh man that was awful' ha ha ha so cute. The only thing I liked of that dumb movie was the music by jack johnson.
Lol, they do! In my case he gets pouty or tries to make me jelous which works oh so magnificenttttly ha ha but I'm still not naturally inclined to be so expressive or openly affectionate but he gets me. He knows I care when I act possessive over him which I think he likes because it reassures him and when I ask if he needs something so he knows that I take care of him. His willingness to please me reassures me also
For example he had said that I should stab him in the balls with a fork before we watched 'Curious George' which I suggested we watch on valentines after going out to dinner and then having had some drinks but instead we watched final destination 3 which was oh so romantic lol
But I guess he remembered that I had suggested Curious George and we went to go watch it the other day lol It was sooo boring that I fell asleep on his shoulder and he kept asking me if I wanted to leave but I said no and later when I asked him what he thought of it he took a deep breath and said 'oh man that was awful' ha ha ha so cute. The only thing I liked of that dumb movie was the music by jack johnson.
Sunniegrrl:
What you Tauruschic and LiBrath both said about their guys is right on with mine too so
I don't have much to add, lol. But I will just reinterate that yes they are wonderful in relationships when they do finally fall completely in love with you, and I definitely could relate to LiBrat about what she said about the smothering but needing her alone time- my Sweetie, wow he could get sooooooo attached and clingy but hey's that's just one of the ways I know that he truly loves me- it's just who they are-
The moods, again not that easy to deal with, but just remember that he does love you BUT don't allow him to overly mistreat you just because he is moody.
Cancer men are awesome being in relationships with if they truly love you.
What you Tauruschic and LiBrath both said about their guys is right on with mine too so
I don't have much to add, lol. But I will just reinterate that yes they are wonderful in relationships when they do finally fall completely in love with you, and I definitely could relate to LiBrat about what she said about the smothering but needing her alone time- my Sweetie, wow he could get sooooooo attached and clingy but hey's that's just one of the ways I know that he truly loves me- it's just who they are-
The moods, again not that easy to deal with, but just remember that he does love you BUT don't allow him to overly mistreat you just because he is moody.
Cancer men are awesome being in relationships with if they truly love you.
Tauruschic and OBPisces are absolutely right as well.
The moods...moods...MOOOOOOODDDDSSSSS! Ugh, seriously, humor does it. But TC is also right when she says to stand up for yourself. AND another thing, but this relates to ALL relationships: If you're going to threaten something...carry through with it or shut the hell up. Don't tell him you're leaving or going to break up unless you bloody well mean it.
Now, HE will threaten to do silly things ALL THE TIME, and then go back on the threats once he has calmed down. For the most part, take it as a grain of salt.
How about any of you? Do you get empty threats as well?
The moods...moods...MOOOOOOODDDDSSSSS! Ugh, seriously, humor does it. But TC is also right when she says to stand up for yourself. AND another thing, but this relates to ALL relationships: If you're going to threaten something...carry through with it or shut the hell up. Don't tell him you're leaving or going to break up unless you bloody well mean it.
Now, HE will threaten to do silly things ALL THE TIME, and then go back on the threats once he has calmed down. For the most part, take it as a grain of salt.
How about any of you? Do you get empty threats as well?
I can only remember one occasion when we had both had one too many drinks I can get a little... eh hard to deal with and I had pissed him off enough that night plus on the way home I started talking all sorts of bullshit like 'I can do whatever I want whenever I want and if I feel like talking to other guys I will...etc' He was pretty pissed off by then and after warning me he finally said 'You know what? you're talking all sorts of crap and I'll remember this tomorrow...' blah blah I can't remember exact words for obvious reason but he pretty much was threatening to break up with me. He got dead serious so I started crying like a baby (which I never do but I was drunk) Once I started bawling he immediately changed his tone of voice, hugged me and started to console me ... lol Of course once I felt better I started everything up again but that's irrelevant... pretty much that was the only threat I've gotten from him.
What does he threaten you with?
I can get a little... eh hard to deal with and I had pissed him off enough that night plus on the way home I started talking all sorts of bullshit like 'I can do whatever I want whenever I want and if I feel like talking to other guys I will...etc' He was pretty pissed off by then and after warning me he finally said 'You know what? you're talking all sorts of crap and I'll remember this tomorrow...' blah blah I can't remember exact words for obvious reason but he pretty much was threatening to break up with me. He got dead serious so I started crying like a baby (which I never do but I was drunk) Once I started bawling he immediately changed his tone of voice, hugged me and started to console me ... lol Of course once I felt better I started everything up again but that's irrelevant... pretty much that was the only threat I've gotten from him.What does he threaten you with?
Oh he threatens to break-up and silly things like that. Nothing violent. At first it freaked me out but then I just heard it so many times that I got used to it. When he threatens to leave, I pantomime like I'm playing a tape recorder....Push the button, hit play-back, and hear the same story over and over again. Now it's much less frequent.
I've noticed a similarity with your story. Once in a blue moon he's too p'd-off and I can't calm him down. His words have caused me to break down a few times and cry. When he sees me crying, he really doesn't know what to do with himself. His anger vanishes immediately because he knows he's pushed too far. Then he makes up with me. When he's gone too far out of line, he realizes it and immediately makes up for it...BUT getting him to actually APOLOGIZE is a different story.
He rarely says sorry but will do nice things and go buy me something. Frankly, I'd rather hear the apology.
I've noticed a similarity with your story. Once in a blue moon he's too p'd-off and I can't calm him down. His words have caused me to break down a few times and cry. When he sees me crying, he really doesn't know what to do with himself. His anger vanishes immediately because he knows he's pushed too far. Then he makes up with me. When he's gone too far out of line, he realizes it and immediately makes up for it...BUT getting him to actually APOLOGIZE is a different story.
He rarely says sorry but will do nice things and go buy me something. Frankly, I'd rather hear the apology.
Send him love notes. Plant those love notes at different places where he can see them. Over the toilet, near his tooth brush & call him and smooch him over the phone and say how you miss him. Tell him you will call him later a nd hang up. See he wants to be alone so no lengthy conversations.Cancers get deeply affected by true love. So best of luck.
plant a stinky bomb aka a fart dat will get him up and running,lol.fo sho,lol.He'll retreat and surrender,lol.
see thing is my guy doesn't seem too clingy...we usually hang out three or four times a week, but he sends me sweet text messages all through the work day.
but i can totally relate to everything else you guys are saying, and now instead of feeling insecure i think it's hilarious!! i'm so happy to know not to take it personally when he pulls away.
one thign about him though is that his time with the guys is extremely important to him and sometimes it seems like they come first, which bums me out because being a leo, i want his full and undivided attention always!!
i have fallen in love with him, i really do adore this guy. my next question, is how can i tell that he's as serious about me as i am about him? is there a way to see if he loves me too, without asking?
but i can totally relate to everything else you guys are saying, and now instead of feeling insecure i think it's hilarious!! i'm so happy to know not to take it personally when he pulls away.
one thign about him though is that his time with the guys is extremely important to him and sometimes it seems like they come first, which bums me out because being a leo, i want his full and undivided attention always!!
i have fallen in love with him, i really do adore this guy. my next question, is how can i tell that he's as serious about me as i am about him? is there a way to see if he loves me too, without asking?
>>>see thing is my guy doesn't seem too clingy...we usually hang out three or four times a week, but he sends me sweet text messages all through the work day.>>>>one thign about him though is that his time with the guys is extremely important to him and sometimes it seems like they come first, which bums me out because being a leo, i want his full and undivided attention always!!
"i have fallen in love with him, i really do adore this guy. my next question, is how can i tell that he's as serious about me as i am about him? is there a way to see if he loves me too, without asking?"
That can be a dicey question, depending on what you mean by 'without asking'. Even being a Cancer, I couldn't tell you how to find out. I can, however, tell you what worked for me (PG-Rated!).
One of my Exes-- someone who I'm still close friends with today (sorry, but she's worth an honourable mention
)-- actually *called* me while I was on one of those Boys' Night Out things. She said I needed to 'come over right away', and she sounded pretty darn serious about it; being the typical Cancer, I froze up, and demanded to know what was wrong. She said that it was an emergency, and that she need me 'right *now*'. Then... 'click'.
I'll skip all the boring emotional stuff and simply say I was freaked out of my mind; she didn't live in the best of areas at the time. The whole speedy drive to her place I was planning for all kinds of utter catastrophies; her life being in danger, someone having broken in, her apartment building burning down-- well, you get the picture, not a nice picture, but a picture.
When I got to her apartment, everything was perfectly fine, and I asked her what was wrong. She said nothing was wrong. Of course, at that point, I lost it completely and started to go off an on her. That is when that goddess of a woman made a move I will never, *ever* forget. She grabbed me by the collar and said one simple sentence in the strangest tone I have ever heard come from a woman:
"You're going to (blank) me... right NOW!"
She didn't give me a choice, didn't give me a chance to speak, didn't give a chance to order and re-order my thoughts, of slip back into my shell. She... well, she took charge of the entire night. And Boys' Night Out just wasn't as fun anymore-- especially not when you're waiting (begging!) for the phone to ring!
Ofcourse, depending on what level of... uh... intimacy(?) your relationship is at, the last bit of that might not be the best course of action. You could always try having an intimate dinner set up for his arrival-- even if his plate is cold by the time he gets there, he'll still eat it-- and quite eagerly, believe me.
I hope something of this post was helpful, otherwise I'll feel a little silly for having written such a long post.
Happy Crab-Catching!
That can be a dicey question, depending on what you mean by 'without asking'. Even being a Cancer, I couldn't tell you how to find out. I can, however, tell you what worked for me (PG-Rated!).
One of my Exes-- someone who I'm still close friends with today (sorry, but she's worth an honourable mention
)-- actually *called* me while I was on one of those Boys' Night Out things. She said I needed to 'come over right away', and she sounded pretty darn serious about it; being the typical Cancer, I froze up, and demanded to know what was wrong. She said that it was an emergency, and that she need me 'right *now*'. Then... 'click'.I'll skip all the boring emotional stuff and simply say I was freaked out of my mind; she didn't live in the best of areas at the time. The whole speedy drive to her place I was planning for all kinds of utter catastrophies; her life being in danger, someone having broken in, her apartment building burning down-- well, you get the picture, not a nice picture, but a picture.
When I got to her apartment, everything was perfectly fine, and I asked her what was wrong. She said nothing was wrong. Of course, at that point, I lost it completely and started to go off an on her. That is when that goddess of a woman made a move I will never, *ever* forget. She grabbed me by the collar and said one simple sentence in the strangest tone I have ever heard come from a woman:
"You're going to (blank) me... right NOW!"
She didn't give me a choice, didn't give me a chance to speak, didn't give a chance to order and re-order my thoughts, of slip back into my shell. She... well, she took charge of the entire night. And Boys' Night Out just wasn't as fun anymore-- especially not when you're waiting (begging!) for the phone to ring!
Ofcourse, depending on what level of... uh... intimacy(?) your relationship is at, the last bit of that might not be the best course of action. You could always try having an intimate dinner set up for his arrival-- even if his plate is cold by the time he gets there, he'll still eat it-- and quite eagerly, believe me.
I hope something of this post was helpful, otherwise I'll feel a little silly for having written such a long post.
Happy Crab-Catching!
Oh, I forgot to make my point-- sorry, I was stuck in a memory there, LoL!
The point was: after, she told me how she felt a little insecure about our relationship. I didn't really have to tell her anything, she realised it herself; I let everything drop for her.
The point was: after, she told me how she felt a little insecure about our relationship. I didn't really have to tell her anything, she realised it herself; I let everything drop for her.
So ... since my friend hasn't spoken to me in about three weeks, this means that he needs his space ????? If this is the case ( I doubt it though) why would he just tell me? It's unfair for him to not answer my calls (1), texts(1) and email(1). Especially when I tell him in the email: "I'm concerned and worried about you, please let me know that you are alright." and I get no response, that's selfish and very inconsiderate of him, among other things . . . I really don't think I deserve to be totally cut-off. Jeez, if I really was his girlfriend, WOULD I BE TREATED LIKE THIS?
"Jeez, if I really was his girlfriend, WOULD I BE TREATED LIKE THIS?"
-- No! But since you're not, you aren't allowed to make demands on him. It's not just crabs btw
Take for example yourself, if a guy who isn't your bf calls and texts and emails but you aren't so interested in him would you care enough to respond? You'd be thinking 'damn he's not even my bf'
-- No! But since you're not, you aren't allowed to make demands on him. It's not just crabs btw
Take for example yourself, if a guy who isn't your bf calls and texts and emails but you aren't so interested in him would you care enough to respond? You'd be thinking 'damn he's not even my bf'
He is probably interested, just not enough to let go of these other 'relationships'
Oh ya! I totally agree with you, but he's the one making demands on me. I know that we are just friends, but he has a tendency to treat me otherwise -- even after I asked him not to go back and forth with me because I felt he was playing with my emotions. Also, there are certain things he has told me that I choose to ignore because he told me about his other "female/sexual" friends -- so when he told me he cared about me more then once, I didn't take it to heart because of what I know. I just feel stupid because one minute he cries on my shoulder about everything, then the next minute he disappears. He gave me an explanation about the last time, but I don't know about this time . . .
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