While They're in Their Shells

I know there some of the women on this board have been with, are with, or are currently persuing Cancers and we know most Cancers have shell moments where they retreat from all other light and life except their own, do you ever wonder what he's doing and thinking while he's away in his "shell"?

For me, I wonder what my Cancer is doing while he's away from me in his "shell". I guess this is where my Taurus jealousy and possessiveness sneaks in. I know he isnt sitting in the house all day just pondering and counting his toes so he HAS to be interacting with someone...so why not me *pouting*...what could be so emotionally riveting that he has to handle it away from me? (I know how presumptuous of me so think that he dare handle his emotions without my input). And you have to admit, sometimes you wonder..."was it me that made him go into his shell" or "does he feel like he needs a break from me, what did I do wrong and how do I fix it?!!" and that's when I know better than to stand outside his shell yelling or knocking...I just let im be...but I cant help wondering....

I can't even imagine you pouting....and I ALWAYS think it's ME

Sweets this is a good question for Cansir!

lol Angel, believe I can pout with the best of goddesses.

You're right krobe, maybe he can shed some light into those corners for us.

hey - NO BODY pouts like ME !

*puts on tiara and "pout queen" sash and folds arms*

but virgogotme.....your guy's a virgo not a cancer......

*lining up my pouting trophies and displaying my Miss Universal Pouting Queen posters and headshots* lol I promise I have you beat! *huggs* you're so wonderful Goddess twin.

Thanks Virgo. Im generally the same way about handling it. I let him know its ok to have his time, I'll be here when he gets back and I miss him while he's gone...I just still wonder what he's doing and my initial thought is "I must have done something"...but then I realize who I'm thinking about and it hits me that it could be anything, from the past, present or even the future. We were friends for a while, but I didnt really get used to his alone time because I was in another relationship so I was more occupied with that, I just figured he was busy or otherwise occupied. Now that its him and I...Im starting to see just how unpredictable his swings are. Im not upset about them or anything I'm just still getting used to and getting familiar with them. Im hoping Cansir, BK, or one of the other cancer males will open up and give us an inside peek.

Oh Cansir will be proud to answer the question in this great topic. LOL! Cansir lays it down!

what chu talkin bout Willis?

wow, not sure if i should be honored or worried about yall seeking my advice..lol. well we cancers go into our shells for many different reasons so i can only give you mine. i usually go into my shell for these reasons or a combination of them. #1 i have a big decision to make #2 i am thinking about things #3 i am upset or #4 i just need some me time. but the main reasons are my me time or just time to think things out. i look at my shell as that safe security blanket you had as a child which is both familiar and comforting. most of the time when i go into my shell it is for me and i usually don't take anyone elses feelings into consideration because i am doing it for me. yes we can be selfish and we do things on our time and when we are ready. so unless you feel he is being unfaithful i would not worry about it and let him have his time and space to get his feelings and thoughts together. the best thing is to be patient and understanding and while he is away take the opportunity to do things you might have been putting off or neglecting in your own life. just remember one thing and that is how can we take care of you if we don't have the time to take care of ourselves :-)

Thank you cansir that was very enlightening. I do trust him for the most part...do you think that if I was to ask him for a little reassurance before he scurries away or that he lay it on a little thick when he gets back he would think I'm being unreasonable?

sweetest i don't think any communication on how you feel is wrong. the thing that gets people into trouble with us cancers is they don't know how to approach us. we want to know how you feel and how we make you feel but you have to be delicate with us in your requests because we could feel threatened. the best thing to do with a cancer when you want to get information is to ask in a non threatening way such as being nonchalant and out of the blue throwing the topic out there or in a joking kind of way. this approach keeps our defenses down and we won't read a lot into it or start trying to figure out what you are trying to say. remember we feed off emotions so if you come at us serious we will act serious but if you come at us fun and joking we will respond in the same way. communication is the key to any relationship so i say go ahead and ask but just remember in what manner you ask because he will respond in the same manner..

also, i hate feeling smothered. i can do the smothering but just don't smother me cause i will definitely retreat into my shell.if you can learn how to respect our space then you will be fine..lol

there is no prescribed time so we come out when we are ready..however long that may be.

Okay Cansir, you said a lot. Its been my belief that when you're talking about something serious you should be serious...so maybe that's why he pulls back sometimes. I always tell him its hard to tell when he is serious and when he isnt because most of the time everything is said jokingly. I will pay more attention to how I say things and work harder to keep things light, but does that mean I should start taking him more seriously EVEN when he's joking or seemingly mentioning something lightheartedly?

I wouldnt say I smother him, I just don't always give him the option of responding in his own time. I KNOW that's something he and I will have to sit back and discuss or it could cause problems. I like a reply, a response, shoot a cough or a sneeze at least when I say something to him that's profound, even if its "let me get back to you on that"...here lately he's outwardly unresponsive and I guess I'm starting to get impatient wondering what's going on inside. I can tell there's SO much going on, but I can't imagine what it is, and like Angel said, the more you analyze the more negative things tend to seem.

..and what makes you type that Merc?

lol SoNot...Jesus is sweet, but what are you insinuating

See Sweets,

I knew Cansir would be able to give you some insight on the Cancer men. He is dead on right with his advice and he is very helpful to anyone who wishes to listen. I know he has taught me how to deal with my Cancer friend. I know the advice sounds crazy because who in the hell in their right mind wants to sit around waiting for someone else to sulk. That is why I suggest (not telling you what to do) until he comes out and says, hey "what's up with us, I want to be in a relationship with you blah...blah... Don't get your hopes up high, live your life to the fullest and just sit back....This man requires patience. The more you rush him and pressure him, the more he pushes back into his shell.

Just be patient! I know you want assurance but he may not want to give you assurance right now because you may want more than he is willing to give you at this moment. Be patient Sweets! You can always come to the boards and vent if you are down.

You have developed a pretty good rep here and we will support you during this long impatient process!

Thank you Krobe for your suggestion...I think you may have misunderstood what I was voicing tho. Our relationship isn't at all in question. I know where we stand and I'm good with it. I just wanted to create a board where we could vent and ask questions about shell time and Cancer's could shine some light on it. I'm still getting familiar with his personality and his nuances...his "cancerhood". I find that the more I understand something the easier it is for me to deal with it (or decide if I want to deal with it) so thats what I'm doing. I decided a long time ago I wasn't going to try to control or change him, so now I'm trying to let him be him and decide if we fit together. His shell times haven't lasted for more than 4 days yet so I'm not trippin too much about finding something else to do while he ...does whatever they do while they're in their shells.

I think it's better to atleast ask him for reassurance before I assume that he doesn't want to or won't oblige. I dont know if right know he would be comfy with the laying it on thick (I think he's still in the moving side to side trying to determine if it would be completely accepted and appreciated or not), but I don't think it would hurt to ask as long as I do it in the right way.

I think it's better to atleast ask him for reassurance before I assume that he doesn't want to or won't oblige. I dont know if right know he would be comfy with the laying it on thick (I think he's still in the moving side to side trying to determine if it would be completely accepted and appreciated or not), but I don't think it would hurt to ask as long as I do it in the right way.

Ok, I agree with you. Maybe I am misreading your posts. It is best to ask a man for what you want out of him in a relationship. I don't know, maybe its me, but I prefer a man tell me what he wants from me and if I feel like I want the same thing, I will make the decision because I guess I feel like I do the picking and choosing. Not trying to offend you Sweets!

You definitely didn't offend me. I understand that people get what they want in a relationship in different ways. For me Im very direct about asking for what I want, it rules out misunderstanding and incorrect assumation. My Cancer expects me to give to him everything I'm willing to give and just know that whatever he doesn't complain about he wants me to keep giving...which is new for me, but we're learning to read one another. I probably wouldnt be so comfortable asking him directly for what I want if he didn't ask me what I want and do it so well (I LOVE how he checks in after he fulfills a request to make sure it was done right.) I wish I could say I have him trained, but he still does it in his own sweet Cancer time by his own sweet Cancer will, its a fair trade. I get what I want and he gets his indepedance and freedom to do it when he likes.

My cancer is back in his shell, sent there by my hormonal mood swing. lol I realized that he is so rude. What's worse is he didn't do anything he hasn't done before just this time it pissed me off. I was the one in the mood swing and boy he caught it...in a bad way...so now Im a lil worried I hurt his feelings and I know for a fact he's shelled to get away from me...but I can't even be mad at him because I decided to be holed up in the bullpen until I feel happy with what's going on between us or he tries to coax me out (which probably wont happen) but if it does it better not be with anything red (his own temper) or he'll get stomped on. I really don't want it to go to a full blown argument so I hope he doesn't come at me cuz with these mood swings...I don't know how I might react. I say this in all affection, the man is an ass. I'm replacing the sign of Cancer with a donkey, no more crab.

Yeah,

Well, my Cancer has came out of his shell. Oh course, I will leave him in his shell for the longest time. If he likes to sulk, oh well sulk. I did not hurt his feelings this time. LOL! He actually acted better and he was very, very open with his future plans and communication. I am really glad I have listened to the ladies on the boards help out with the behavior of these fools (NOT YOU CANSIR, YOU ARE THE COOLEST CANCER MAN I HACE EVER MET). I just hate the fact, that Cancer men are just to dayum beautiful to dwell on making someone else unhappy. UG! I better enjoy him while he is out because I know he will go right back into his shell as soon as he starts trying to push my darn buttons again.

I apologized for the mood swing, just left him a message, nothing big and elaborate, but lately I've been thinking and I think I'm going to take a step back from Mr.Cancer and revert to when we were really "just friends"...maybe just until this retrograde crap is finished. Im not at all interested in dating around or talking to other guys I just want some bump the brakes and back it up time. I know there's a big chance he might take it the same way...or he might want to do the same thing...that would be great.

I apologized for the mood swing, just left him a message, nothing big and elaborate, but lately I've been thinking and I think I'm going to take a step back from Mr.Cancer and revert to when we were really "just friends"...maybe just until this retrograde crap is finished. Im not at all interested in dating around or talking to other guys I just want some bump the brakes and back it up time. I know there's a big chance he might take it the same way...or he might want to do the same thing...that would be great.

Yeah, I feel you on that note Sweets. Do you know my Cancer friend had the nerve to tell me I am moving way to slow for him. I take way to much time to get things going. I said, well you are right. But dang! I move slow. I wanted to say, yeah, I thought it was you. If he thinks I move slow, oh well I guess I am doing good at this moment.

Shoot krobe, I would say moving slow is a good thing. As long as you're comfortable with the pace why change it. My Cancer is busy with a lot on his mind and I can see he isn't going to be making our relationship a priority anytime soon. I don't want to pressure him or continue to expect that from him so I wont. I talked to him last night and he sounded like he was still hurt about me going off on him but in a message he had left me earlier in the day he seemed like he was past it. We didn't talk long and he said he would call me back...but never called. I think I hurt his feelings more than I had realized and I don't want to do that again either. We had promised to be friends first and I guess as long as we do that I'll be ok, can't lie, I did want more, but who knows...only time will tell

Shoot krobe, I would say moving slow is a good thing. As long as you're comfortable with the pace why change it. My Cancer is busy with a lot on his mind and I can see he isn't going to be making our relationship a priority anytime soon. I don't want to pressure him or continue to expect that from him so I wont. I talked to him last night and he sounded like he was still hurt about me going off on him but in a message he had left me earlier in the day he seemed like he was past it. We didn't talk long and he said he would call me back...but never called. I think I hurt his feelings more than I had realized and I don't want to do that again either. We had promised to be friends first and I guess as long as we do that I'll be ok, can't lie, I did want more, but who knows...only time will tell

I am going to start asking some of the women on the boards their Cancer man's name because our stories sound like we are talking about the same man. LOL!

I am pretty pissed off myself. He said I move entirely to slow for him. Now, what a biotch! I am moving too slow! If you rush him and start showing feelings he will run and distant himself to never-never land. If you move slow he gets resentful towards you and it is pay back time. Yeah, he assured me that he was going to change his ways. I just need to pick up my pace. When I pick up my pace just a little he runs again like he is paying me back for moving to slow... LOL! You gotta love a Cancer man.

lol Krobe maybe we should. My cancer is the same way. Now that I've reverted to just friends he's acting like he's really hurt and confused when he wasn't giving me the time of day (outside of his thoughts). Im not at all insinuating I'm "out of sight, out of mind to him", but I really don't see us being in a serious relationship if he doesn't take time out for us to be together. I know he's really busy and maybe he's looking at it like I'm punishing him, but really Im not, Im just realistically balancing what we want and what we can honestly have. And honestly, even if he has the intention for a serious relationship he doesn't have the time right now. I guess we both want more and we could get it, but right now it's just more on his shoulders so I'll take some off and be his friend, the best friend I can be if he doesn't pout and block me out.

I guess we both want more and we could get it, but right now it's just more on his shoulders so I'll take some off and be his friend, the best friend I can be if he doesn't pout and block me out.

Yeah well mines told me don't get back in touch with him until he is my priority. LOL! I am just taking way too long to figure things out.

lol. I hope he doesn't hold his breath waiting for that call. I wish it was that easy for me. Its like my Cancer wont admit to himself that he doesnt have time for us to be any more than friends. I mean we can be at heart, I can/will wait for him, but not until/unless he asks. And I'm not just his friend to try to make him ask, Im just his friend because I dont want to be disappointed expecting more and not getting it.

I hope he doesn't hold his breath waiting for that call.

No Sweets,
I told him from the beginning, I don't expect him to wait on me. I really don't expect him to wait. I am just confused, this is a bit too much for me. Yeah, I am saying me. I show him the same interest he feeds me. If you call him, he will ignore your calls (Well if you ignore 1 of my calls no more than 2, I am done). OK I will give you space. You give him space and he wants to spend time with you of course of his terms. No, I don't consider any man being the center of my universe. He opens up and starts sharing feelings with you. Ok, fine. If you don't chase after intense feelings he thinks you are playing games with him. No, I feel like I am not rushing. You give him space (because he ignores 1-2 of your calls), so he starts telling you that you are way to slow for him. Now, he is acting like he does not want me anymore. Not until he is my top priority. Now, I call that rushing me. LOL! Oh the mixed signals. You gotta love him. Gotta love a Cancer man.

he is probably ruminating on an issue.

It could be emotional - maybe felt slighted in some way - you may not have even realised you did it. This takes time to heal. We have to weigh the negative that is done with all the positive that has been done previously. We will be able to put it out of our minds once we have remembered the joy of something else and will then come out with a romantic gesture to bring that love and joy back in. Leave him alone until he is ready and then you will be showered with love.

Either that or it is a friend, family member or business issue and he needs to work it through before he can resume normality. If he needs your advice he will ask for it but he may just be better dealing with it on his own.

Hmmmm interesting we do get slighted sometimes a bit easily but we do not show it at times. Secondly when we sense something we are at times very right about and it is worst when someone hides it from us. That is why we at times do not contact people. We at times can be very direct asking questions. If you make excuses or we sense u lieing believe u me when we go in our shells or become distant ,we need time to think. We give our love unconditionally,our loyalty and if u say that "love" word we take it to heart and will do almost anuthing to make u feelllllll extra extra special.,if u take it for granted u disappear and boi we know how to disappear,no wonder we magicians..even my middle name means magic tools or magic stick,lol.

wait wait waaaiiitttt,i thought u and cancer were girlfriend and boyfriend at sweetfatale. dat is not good. if u show him love kisses ,hugs , love making u will see a difference do not be hiding stuff,that mixed signals will have him in that shell, my advice don't do it. if u act like a friend and no i love you and act differently in company it will have him more reclusive. talk to him i dont care what nobody says once u communicate tell a lil joke break the ice but be true please.

I've read all and I wish I could still figure out what to do with my cancer.....

It seems like he wants me to approach him but how to do it in a none threatening way with the little history we have....I asked him out...he asked why and never gave me a answer and I never gave him the satisfaction of chasing him after that point....to much pride I guess....and now when I see him he makes contact but I just freeze up and give him exactly what he gives me....right approach wrong approach.....at this point who knows....I just know there is something there....

Any suggestions on what I should do the next time I see him?

Oh and spitting on him is not a option lol

lol BK I went on and took your advice, I hope it works. Yes Im back and yes Im still completely captivated and enthralled by this hard shelled reclusive Cancer.

hi i just join tonight and i have a cancer guy and you all are very inlightening on cancers on a whole.

is there any one there to anwser some questions i might have?

hi i just joined. I'v read some pretty interesting incites on cancer men and i noticed that i wish i had this known about this site earlier. Need to know whats up with cancer man?

"I hope he doesn't hold his breath waiting for that call."

I notice that when my cancer doesn't call me days at a time, and I breakdown and call him (and I was never the one to take the initiative) he sounds really happy to hear from me...

like the other day I called him after not talking to him for like 2 weeks and I asked him "Are we beefing or something, is it beef in the streets?" playfully, he said "Nah, I'm not beefing with you," then I told him about the new job I'm starting and he sounded really happy for me...

then when I talked to him today, he told me the reason he didn't call me was because "I was acting stank," which I don't thank I was but whatever...he also asked me when I was coming to see him...

I told him he acts like a big baby sometimes and he told me to shut up...cuz he knows its true...

In my own personal opinion, I think sometimes women put way to much meaning into the relationship we want to have with males (ALL) not just Cancer men. Sometimes, the feelings for men are just not mutual feelings. We want to believe spending time with our men and sleeping with them actually means something to them and it just doesn't work the way we want it to work out.

The men we deal with may have INTENTIONS on having a relationship with us but we at times "lose" ourselves and try way too hard to please them and then our obsession is a complete turn off to men.

If ANY man tests us all we can do is do no more than be ourselves. We are women and reaching out and pushing and holding on to our men is nothing more than pressure that we put on them. We do things to try and prove our loyalty to them but it may not necessarily be the best thing to do. We some how lose the "focus" of being the "prize" that he has to work hard for and earn. So we put all energy and focus into trying to hard to please our men and they lose interest.

We start appearing desperate, needy and not centered with ourselves but place value on being centered on them. We start losing our value and self respect as women. Most men can only feel love when they are doing the work.

As women, we use our masculine energy too much! A decent masculine heterosexual male does not want to be involved with a woman who is pushing out way too much of her masculine energy. IT is a man's job to be masculine even with a feminine sign. We start carrying the relationships ourselves because he doesn't have to do ANYTHING but sit back and enjoy the ride (which kills his attraction for us).

A man will commit to a woman and be loyal to any woman who makes him feel like a man and not cut his work out for him. Men LOVE to work for their prize and we have to remember that we are the prize that he wants and has to have and try not to make everything so perfect and easy for him.

Hey Sweets!!!! Long time no talk. I was wondering where you were hiding. I am glad that you brought this topic up, because this is the biggest problem with Cancer relationships, nobody can understand their shelling phases.

As for my Cancer when he is shelling he goes out and drinks. He and I weren't talking and my cousin called me and told me he was in the bar and he was by himself drinking and looking depressed. I gave him his space and waited until I thought the course was clear to go back around him.

Last month I was very hormonal as well. I was a biatch! This affected my Crab and caused him to resort into his shell, when I was in a better mood I just gave him extra attention and affection. He is slowly coming around. However, he is treating me the way I treated him, so now he is acting hormonal. LOL

lol this was a resurrected thread and funny I should pop back up too. Hay Yall I've been chillin' I jumped the DXP and Cancer man ship and spent some time with the Caps.Well I realized that I was crazy strongly in adoration for the Cancer guy and Im back and he's back and we're trying things again and although it is still slow moving there has been progress and most of all we're still willing to deal with one another to get the time together that we both enjoy.

I can report that I myself through experience can answer my own question about the "Shelling Crab". I have learned that the crab I Love so much CAN and sometimes DOES sit in the house counting his toes as he ponders his next moves as they pertain to his business, his family, his friends and even little ole me. He does prefer to work out his emotional turmoils by himself because letting me in on them would expose him to a vulnerability that he is not yet ready to explore. I can respect this because I know how it feels to be plain old scared. I have also learned that Cancers (especially the ones that work 24/7 (or is that really ALL of them?)) have a disposition to become discouraged perfectionist, which causes them to seem like they are manic depressives and that they are rather tossed about without a sail. It also causes them to seem to be doing everything while really accomplishing nothing because they are so caught up in doing everything especially right while at the same time doubting that they can every actually do anything right. Ladies if you are involved with a Cancer man, back up and stop applying pressure. This is the man that needs to be persuaded and he has to persuade himself. All you have to do is be there to present the facts to his ever whirring mind so that he can reach the conclusion that he is good enough and he will make a wonderful man to any woman that will have him and even you (if this is true and you have good intentions toward him).

The easiest way to unshell a Cancer is to calmly and gently assert that you's like him to come out and play, not prodding or poking, but simply tapping and saying "oh its SO lovely out here, I would certainly enjoy it SO much if you shared this sunlight and love". Then when he comes out never push that he tell you why he went iN (he'll do it when he wants) and NEVER demand that he never do it again.

"lol this was a resurrected thread and funny I should pop back up too."

LOL... didn't read the whole thread and didn't even notice the dates, that it was so way back when. But I am still glad it was resurrected and glad to see you came back too SF!I am always in question about Cancers and their shelling and I am sure everyone who is involved with a Cancer will be too sometimes.

"Well I realized that I was crazy strongly in adoration for the Cancer guy and Im back and he's back and we're trying things again..."

Glad to hear that! I always kept up with your posts about you and your Cancer because my situation was so similar so I am hoping to hear from you more often.

*suspicious that she and SF are after the same crab* hmmmm.....

just kidding goddess

LOL Angel....

lol Angel if we are...May the best T-Lady win!!

And it's on!!!

He must have alot of frequent flyer miles cause I am all the way over here in the Caribbean

oh no! YOU'RE after him too LT??

man...I've got enough to worry about....now I've got other bulls after my crab