Why cancer men? Why?!?!?!

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by Jfer on Monday, March 13, 2017 and has 34 replies.
Me- Aries sun 6th house,Virgo moon, Taurus Venus 8th house.

Him-cancer sun 8th house, sag moon, cancer Venus 8th house.

We've been on and off, mostly on, for over two years. Super passionate, most intense love/hate relationship of my life. I have broken up with him and taken him back with open arms over a dozen times. He's 29 and I'm 37. He has told me that he has never loved anyone like me his whole life. I believe him. He tells me he wants to marry me all the time and have his child. I believe him. He also has been caught lying to me several times. Lied about a drug problem, which we worked through. Lied about talking to other women online, caught red handed every time. he has a way of manipulating the situation so that I look crazy and paranoid. I don't get over it and the trust is gone now. We are currently taking a break so that we can decide if we want this. I have kids that are attached and I'm attached. I'm just scared that I'm going to marry him and he's gonna do this for the rest of our lives. I know that it comes from a place of fear that he does this. I have run to other men when we break up and that makes him insecure. I should probably mention that he is a Scorpio rising with a close conjunction to his Scorpio Pluto. Lots of Plutonian energy there. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to who understands cancer men. Anyone out there have any insight? This isn't my first cancer rodeo, but me being an Aries, I can't seem to learn the lesson here.

Cancer men will be my downfall.
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Yeech, Cancers aren't exactly the most stable of people - especially when it comes to feelings. And he's got a Sag moon which makes him even flakier than he should be, going by just his sun sign. I don't think he knows what he wants.

PS: anyone ever tell ya you look like Felicia Day?
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Lol, why is he dating OLD women in the first place? smile

An Aries and Cancer... yuck!!

The sad part is, I know some lovely looking Aries girls.. so sexy that they give me goosebumps. But I can't stand them at the same time. *sigh*.... but yea that relationship seems pretty bad, even though you both seem very determined to make it work....

I think you know what need to happen here and you just want reassurance. But we can't help you here. Either make the decision or a situation will make it for you.

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@HeavyEntertainmentShow nobody has ever told me that. Not sure who she is. He is a super flake though but he can't let me go so it's hard to move on.

@feral_doe I'm a Venus Taurus 8th house freak.

@teddyBearMD Yeah. I'm starting to hate the cancer/Aries combo. Best sex of our lives though...maybe that's why he likes such an OLD woman.
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My first house is the ascendant which is libra. My 1st house is in Pluto.

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@feral_doe oh haha. I see what I did there. That was a typo.

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Posted by Jfer
@HeavyEntertainmentShow nobody has ever told me that. Not sure who she is. He is a super flake though but he can't let me go so it's hard to move on.

@feral_doe I'm a Venus Taurus 8th house freak.

@teddyBearMD Yeah. I'm starting to hate the cancer/Aries combo. Best sex of our lives though...maybe that's why he likes such an OLD woman.
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You'll have to do what's right for yourself and the kids. He's obviously too preoccupied with what he wants to bother considering what you need. And a flakey man-child is the last thing you and your girls need in your lives. You want someone you can depend on. He's the furthest thing away from "dependable".

He needs his marching orders.
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@HeavyEntertainmentShow he grabs with his claws and drags me along as he side steps away from reality. Lol. Also, sag moons man. When the going gets tough, they go running.

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Posted by HeavyEntertainmentShow

PS: anyone ever tell ya you look like Felicia Day?
I LOVED her memoir (granted she was only 32) "You're Never Weird on the Internet". Made a total fanboi outta me!

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"Sometimes love is not enough"
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@nikkistar lol. I literally have said that to him so many times. I'm like chemically bonded to the mofo so, unfortunately, it hasn't been too easy.
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Posted by Jfer
@nikkistar lol. I literally have said that to him so many times. I'm like chemically bonded to the mofo so, unfortunately, it hasn't been too easy.
Cancers have a way of making most girls nuts. That's why there are so many inside jokes on here about the "Cancer men has left me, Cancer man confuses me, Cancer man did this" type of thread.

This could sound harsh, and I hope that you don't take offense to this. At this point, he's been caught talking to other girls, and hasn't really seen any true consequences for being caught. You are still there. So for him, he will continue to exhibit this type of behavior, because he knows he can still keep you. I do not see him changing this anytime in the near future. You really have to put yourself before him, because you don't want that in a partner, and he will do it again.
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@fun4life I would settle for stable and predictable at this point. Intensity is overrated.
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@caramelizedcoffe ugh. He would like that. He gets off on me being mean, I think. I think cancers like Aries because we are dominant and they like being the sub... even mentally. Also, he isn't really the player. Just emotionally shelled up and scared.

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@nikkistar yeah. I hear ya. The talking to girls online has mostly been in response to me breaking up with him. I don't even care that much about that. I just hate when he lies about it because he's scared. But, I definitely have thought about the fact that I'm still here. In full disclosure, I'm the one who has slept with other people, but I was frank and honest about it.
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@carmelizedcoffee you are right about that. Being an Aries is like being a damn baby who doesn't learn. We sure are cute though..
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Posted by Jfer
@nikkistar yeah. I hear ya. The talking to girls online has mostly been in response to me breaking up with him. I don't even care that much about that. I just hate when he lies about it because he's scared. But, I definitely have thought about the fact that I'm still here. In full disclosure, I'm the one who has slept with other people, but I was frank and honest about it.
Ah, this is the crux of it then. He is insecure about his place in your life. If you have slept with other people, and he loves you, then he will always act insecure. Not a good thing.
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@fun4life yeah. I get that. I've always had a thing with cancers. I'm too intense and they mostly shut down around me. My cancer has a lot of fire and Scorpio, which is a water sign that isn't scared of emotion like some cancers, so he's lasted the longest. He's also has 4 planets in the 8th house so, his sag moon is hiding some intensity too.

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@nikkistar I know. I feel like he knows how much I love him though. We are super intimate, not like anything I've ever experienced before. That's probably the drug like state @fun4life was talking about. I've never had that before and neither has he and he knows that. I do know that he's scared I'll do that again but, I've taken real steps to not do that anymore.
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@ellygant I'm not even really talking about the physical aspect of sex. I'm talking mental. I am trying to work through these problems with him but he has a hard time taking responsibility for his actions. He hasn't been with anyone else. I have. I take full responsibility for that.
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Posted by Jfer
@nikkistar I know. I feel like he knows how much I love him though. We are super intimate, not like anything I've ever experienced before. That's probably the drug like state @fun4life was talking about. I've never had that before and neither has he and he knows that. I do know that he's scared I'll do that again but, I've taken real steps to not do that anymore.
Here's the issue, no matter if you don't do it again, almost no one can forget the actions of the past. He may forgive you, and for a time appear to forget it, but it will always be an issue in his subconscious. For that reason, he will likely never truly get rid of all his insecurities. I call the type of love you are experiencing, obsessive love. It is usually hyper dependent, and hyper toxic. Where one or both are constantly fearing that they will lose the other. This isn't the type of love that lasts, imo.
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@nikkistar yeah. It's definitely not healthy. The fear of loss is probably why he wants me to have his baby so bad. I think he thinks it will fix things but being the compulsive Aries I've already been there done that and would truly never have another kid out of wedlock for my own sanity. I'm hate that I'm so obsessed with the highs and lows. It has truly taken over my life at times. I'm actually not even trying to hate on cancer. My middle daughter is a cancer sun/moon/Venus. Karmically, I think I'm learning a lesson in intimacy because I've never been good with that before. It's been truly transformative but maybe it's run its course and time to move on.

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Posted by Jfer
@nikkistar yeah. It's definitely not healthy. The fear of loss is probably why he wants me to have his baby so bad. I think he thinks it will fix things but being the compulsive Aries I've already been there done that and would truly never have another kid out of wedlock for my own sanity. I'm hate that I'm so obsessed with the highs and lows. It has truly taken over my life at times. I'm actually not even trying to hate on cancer. My middle daughter is a cancer sun/moon/Venus. Karmically, I think I'm learning a lesson in intimacy because I've never been good with that before. It's been truly transformative but maybe it's run its course and time to move on.

I would say so. We all have that obsessive love, and at points we become emotionally addicted to it. It's hard to walk away from that.
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Posted by Gob_Shite
Posted by nikkistar
Posted by Jfer
@nikkistar yeah. I hear ya. The talking to girls online has mostly been in response to me breaking up with him. I don't even care that much about that. I just hate when he lies about it because he's scared. But, I definitely have thought about the fact that I'm still here. In full disclosure, I'm the one who has slept with other people, but I was frank and honest about it.
Ah, this is the crux of it then. He is insecure about his place in your life. If you have slept with other people, and he loves you, then he will always act insecure. Not a good thing.


Sounds like you're just as responsible for fucking up the relationship, yet you're here asking for advice and claiming to love him?!

This is pretty much a toxic case of codependency...

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What? Uhhh.

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@gob_buttere not everything is so black and white. Bad and good, this relationship has actually forced me to grow in a lot of ways. we are actually currently not talking and I'm moving foreword. Just looking for some insight into the mind of cancer man. What are u, a Capricorn? All Capricorn, male and female wanna dad me so hard. Lol.

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@gob_shite we weren't together when that happened but, I'll spare you the details of my entire relationship. Things were complicated way before that.
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Posted by Jfer
Me- Aries sun 6th house,Virgo moon, Taurus Venus 8th house.

Him-cancer sun 8th house, sag moon, cancer Venus 8th house.

We've been on and off, mostly on, for over two years. Super passionate, most intense love/hate relationship of my life. I have broken up with him and taken him back with open arms over a dozen times. He's 29 and I'm 37. He has told me that he has never loved anyone like me his whole life. I believe him. He tells me he wants to marry me all the time and have his child. I believe him. He also has been caught lying to me several times. Lied about a drug problem, which we worked through. Lied about talking to other women online, caught red handed every time. he has a way of manipulating the situation so that I look crazy and paranoid. I don't get over it and the trust is gone now. We are currently taking a break so that we can decide if we want this. I have kids that are attached and I'm attached. I'm just scared that I'm going to marry him and he's gonna do this for the rest of our lives. I know that it comes from a place of fear that he does this. I have run to other men when we break up and that makes him insecure. I should probably mention that he is a Scorpio rising with a close conjunction to his Scorpio Pluto. Lots of Plutonian energy there. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to who understands cancer men. Anyone out there have any insight? This isn't my first cancer rodeo, but me being an Aries, I can't seem to learn the lesson here.

Cancer men will be my downfall.
Ok I usually give Cancers the benefit of the doubt because generally they are a misunderstood, sometimes salty folk. HOWEVER this has nothing to do with astrology.

You have a compulsive liar on your hands. Can Cancers be secretive? Yes. Can they lie? Everyone can lie. Problem is, your guy has a habit of lying. He lies because he's afraid of the consequences of being found out (or at least doesn't want to deal with them). It's a place of fear as you've already noted. He's learned over time that lying is his best option to get what he wants. Who know how long he's exhibited this behavior, but a lot of compulsive liars start in childhood. They lie for so long, they even get to the point of believing the fiction they create. The most important part of any relationship is trust. You've already admitted that you can't trust him. Trust that instinct becuase it's time for you to RUN!

"Lied about a drug problem, which we worked through. Lied about talking to other women online, caught red handed every time. he has a way of manipulating the situation so that I look crazy and paranoid."

These are the symptoms of being in a relationship with a compulsive liar. They lie, get caught, then make up more lies or continue lying. They also try to twist or manipulate the truth to make you seem crazy. That way they can absolve themselves of their lies and place the blame on you instead. They will even believe their lies as the truth over time because for them the truth is subjective. This is a toxic person.

The biggest issue is that there are also children involved. This is not an emotionally healthy environment for them and you must understand that they are watching ALL of this. Kids pick up on relationship building skills at a very young age. You as the parent need to provide them with the best example of a functioning/ loving/ healthy relationship as possible so that they themselves don't wind up emulating the relationship you currently have with this man.

Understand that you can't fix him, lying is what he does because it's who he is. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT MARRY this man. You can barely have a relationship with him, why would you ever marry him? There are countless stories out there of people marrying compulsive liars and having their entire lives RUINED. Their money is gone, credit sunk, and other relationships destroyed because they didn't get out when they should have. Even worse is that their kids are also trapped. Think about your kids first in this situation. Your responsibility is to them first. You're going to have to stow your personal feelings for this man for now until you give yourself enough space to see this situation clearly.
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Posted by Jfer
@gob_buttere not everything is so black and white. Bad and good, this relationship has actually forced me to grow in a lot of ways. we are actually currently not talking and I'm moving foreword. Just looking for some insight into the mind of cancer man. What are u, a Capricorn? All Capricorn, male and female wanna dad me so hard. Lol.

This is defintely a black and white situation. Again your feelings are involved, so it's clouding the obvious truth. You're looking for answers that you already have. You want us to say that this has something to do with him being a Cancer, but it doesn't. My Cancer friends are so true blue it can be painful for them. When they love they cling HARD. Imagine a crab clamping it's claw down on something. It's ain't letting you. That's how Cancers work. Once you're in their heart, they will drag you into the depths of their love and reveal their secrets to you. This guy on the other hand is lying to you consistently. This is just an unhealthy relationship for you.

Also take note that a lot of unbiased strangers are telling you to leave this guy. That's got to amount for something. Also you're only 37 and from what I can tell, you objectively should have no trouble catching a man's eye. Let this Cancer go so you can find someone who will treat you with respect and will be a good influence on your family.
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@notsodure it's not yr ex. It is funny how I think the same thing sometimes when reading a cancer thread. We met online and started dating right after. He also doesn't smoke week. He actually hates that.
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@magicmona I have thought before about him putting out my fire. I have let him get away with the lying once. I think I let it slide because I haven't dealt with it before in my relationships. It was only two times that he was caught. The first time I told him if it happened again I was out and the second time, I was out. We have talked about it a bunch and I basically told him I can't get over the lying, because I can't.
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@chuckcem I hate it because he has taken me down with his claws to depts I've never felt, because of the manipulation, nothing about it feels real anymore. My 4th house is completely empty and cancer men have always seem to complete me in a way other men can't. I don't think I will want a relationship with one anytime soon. This isn't the first time a cancer man has really fucked with me though so it kind of is a cancer thing. They are pretty big on gas lighting. The males seem to be in my situations.
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It's true, sometimes love is not enough.

Cancer men can draw you in and make you go insane sometimes. Are you willing to let him consume you? steal time that you could be enjoying with your kids so that he can have your attention?

You need a man not another child.

I did this with a Cancer man for 9 years but we we're high school sweethearts. He did come around and change, however I couldn't go back as too much was done at that point. We are both in our late 30's now and he still messages me with regret.

I moved on, with another Cancer man who is worth my time.

What I think you need to do is completely cut off all communication and focus on you and your kids.

You need to value your self and show him that you come first therefore MAN UP and put ME first and clean your shit up and be the man I need or go away.

Let him walk away if that's the case, because its never for good. Don't be afraid!

You can't change him, he has to do that because he wants to. Cheating on you! That's a big NO NO and you shouldn't even consider marriage if that's happening. You don't trust him (for good reason), that can't be the father figure you want around your kids.

Set your standards high and genuine. Move forward and he can MAN UP and do the right things or find someone who can (lol Another Cancer man without the drama).

Lots of great Cancer guys out there, TRUST ME!!

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Posted by Jfer
@chuckcem I hate it because he has taken me down with his claws to depts I've never felt, because of the manipulation, nothing about it feels real anymore. My 4th house is completely empty and cancer men have always seem to complete me in a way other men can't. I don't think I will want a relationship with one anytime soon. This isn't the first time a cancer man has really fucked with me though so it kind of is a cancer thing. They are pretty big on gas lighting. The males seem to be in my situations.
The problem is you feel empty and therefore have required yourself to fill the "gap" in your life. So your 4th house is empty, so what? See it more as a blessing than a curse. You can fill that space with whatever you want. You are not constrained to a particular sign like the rest of us. You actually have a choice.

Astrology aside though, you're trying to mold these men into something they're not. The universe has a way of sending us the same person / the same issues over and over until we learn from it. See it as an ongoing pop quiz. You need to first prove that you are strong enough to remove yourself from an obviously toxic person like this. You need to aspire for better. I think it's a good idea to take a break from dating and focus on those who need and care about you. Build yourself back up so that you don't feel the need to be with someone. Make yourself stronger and fill in your own gaps. Then you can look for someone who complements your complete self.

As I mentioned before, this situation is also less about you now. You need to focus on the fact that your kids are involved in his toxic relationship as well. Your first duty is to them. Get them as far away from this guy as possible.
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@notsosure maybe don't assume that's all I got. There was no judgement in what anyone's drug choice was. I was simply commenting on how there was no possibility that our cancers were the same person. I'm actually taking all of the advice quite seriously and am very appreciative of the non toxic, non projective feedback. I think that it's really easy to generalize and victimize, i.e, I don't treat myself with respect, when truly, u know nothing about me. I have been manipulated to the point where I feel crazy for two years. I'm actually ready to go to therapy and doing a 12 step to work through it. This thread helped my accept the fact that I was in a toxic relationship. But, if all you got from my response was some kind of judgement over yr ex partners drug of choice then like you said, no point.
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