Why will a cancer ex boyfriend still contact you after 1.5 yrs of breakup
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by gia on Monday, November 28, 2016 and has 15 replies.
So,,,we brokeup last year in April because I *unintentionally* betrayed his trust,confessed the truth myself and sincerely apologized. Never cheated on him or anything of that sort because I did love him(still do) but had to lie about something major(personal stuff). Now,we never lost touch. He brokeup because he was really hurt(i bet he still is) but continued to text everyday.Then he got a job in August and our texts reduced from everyday to once a week. I would be the one to initiate all phone calls.He wouldn't. He would text once a week but never call. There have been plenty of ugly fights when he would put me down morally and emotionally. He would avoid(still avoids) emotional talks like plague. No emotional connect at all. However, he has started calling of his own since August this year. Like I said,we never really lost touch but the way things were going between us I never expected to see him call me of his own. It's not platonic always either because he makes sexual innuendos at times(not always just few times and even asked me for phone sex in july end this year). So it's not at all a case that he contacts me only when he's aroused or something but at the same time because of that I'd say it's not a purely platonic bond either. However,what's weird is that he will never compliment me or say anything positive about me but when he calls,we end up talking for an hour or more. There's laughter,jokes,silence,serious life talks etc. He always drops hints about how he is enoying being single now because he doesn't want anything to distract his professional life and how he wants to remain single this way for atleast a year more. But he does emotionally put me down at times.Like,I just sent him a joke last week and it had the word "ex boyfriend" in it.He said "glad to see you call me an ex. Finally you've managed to move on.Not being sarcastic." I got angry and i said if it makes him so happy then okay,we'll be typical exes from now on and nothing more and he said "calm down baby.Chill" and i didn't reply.He realized it got me mad so next day he sent me a photo of an animal I love to test the water,I didn't respond.Then next day he sent me a joke,I just replied with a thumbs up sign.He realized I was still mad at him so he called me in the eve and tried buttering me. So it was all good.Then yesterday he went on a wildlife tour and sent me picture of a monkey's butt and i jokingly replied "fortunately for you she wasn't a female monkey else she would have slammed an assault case on you".He replied "that was so cheap".Like seriously WTF dude.Sending me a picture of a monkey's butt and testicles is highly classy but when i say something on a funny note it's cheap. This has happened many times now. Then he sent me a picture of 3 white doves.I read but didn't reply.
Like,seriously WTH is going on. Why does he contact me if this is how it is?
Like,seriously WTH is going on. Why does he contact me if this is how it is?
Posted by aphrodite3
cancers are assholees
not sure what that meant. Could you please elaborate more?
Posted by Scorpio84which part of it sounds like him and which bizzare jokes are you referring to?
My father is Cancer and for some reason this sound so much like him xDxD
those bizarre jokes they seem to like that for odd reasons dunno... lol
Signed Up: Jul 28, 2016
Comments: 4222 · Posts: 6474 · Topics: 83
Comments: 4222 · Posts: 6474 · Topics: 83
LOL.... I found it funny that the advert below this thread was:
Posted by notsosurePosted by giaWell because you let him.
Like,seriously WTH is going on. Why does he contact me if this is how it is?
Simple.click to expand
True but I still love this man and hope for a reconciliation sometime in future if not now.
So it always feels things are getting better between us ever since he has started calling me of his own every weekend. He'll see if I call him or not and when I don't,he'll call me monday eve to remind me "hey,we didn't talk on phone this weekend"
It's just that I'm really clueless why does he contact me if he wants to disrespect me at times by making comments as such. I know he fears losing me with the way he freaked out big time when I told "we wont be anything more than an ex from now on" when he got me mad by acting over-smart.
Posted by Queenofthepheasantfairies
LOL.... I found it funny that the advert below this thread was:
Lol..Irony !! >_<
Posted by notsosureSome men don't know what the hell they want, so it is often up to the woman to choose for themPosted by giaWell because you let him.
Like,seriously WTH is going on. Why does he contact me if this is how it is?
Simple.click to expand
Lol
Posted by notsosureHe won't be gone @notsosure. I can guarantee that. At least not so easily. He would have been gone long ago if he really wanted to,when he brokeup. This guy does fear losing me. I don't want him gone. I still love him and hope for a reconciliation someday in future but not with his at-times disrespectful remarks. Ever since that negative incident between us 1.5 yrs ago and after he got a job,there has been too many ego issues between us. When he says something stupid,it's funny. When I respond the same ,he feels offended and calls it cheap and that pricks my ego in return. I just want this thing to stop.It's toxic.
When I started setting boundaries for a cancer I previously dated and who acted a lot like yours, he was hurt too and all that, next day he gave his goodbyes and I never heard from or saw him again.
It has been great!!
A lot of personal growth and loosing that feeling of being wrong, inadequate, and most of all suffocated in the cancers constant review of me. There was no space for me there, it was all about him. So when I started to take space with something he has no say in (my body), he was gone.
We are probably different you and I, but I don´t want a supposedly friend to constantly put me down, then call me baby and ask for phonesex. That´s not a friend. That´s an abuser. But nothing else will stop it but you.
It was actually never my intention to push away the guy, I just wanted to be accepted and heard too. But when he vanished as a reaction to my needs of him not touching me in a certain way, well that solidified what kind of a person he was and what kind of relationship there was between us.
If he doesn't like me then why initiate conversation with me? Why call me and ask how am I doing.Why call me and talk about your life and ask me about mine. It's not that he talks to me only when he wants a bootycall or stuff (he asked me for phonesex just once in these 1.5 yrs but it was creepy and he apologized the next day). So I know it's definitely not a case of him using me for his entertainment.
Oh and I'm no way trying to defend him please don't get me wrong xD It's just that I'm too frustrated with his behavior and can't make sense of it.
Posted by Canbullriuswhat is the "it" that you are referring to as being open?
If you are not straight up to a Cancer they can perceive it as still open.
Posted by notsosureOkay no this does make a lot of sense and believe me,I did think through this perspective many times before. Just when I make up my mind that this is what it is,his phone call changes my thoughts and perspectives and then I contemplate again and wonder if I misconcluded but you're totally right.Thank you for making me re-realize what I had thought of,before turning blind again. Do you think there's any way at all possible to turn the table? Turn the table in the sense that he starts respecting me again.Posted by giaI know you do.Posted by notsosurePosted by giaWell because you let him.
Like,seriously WTH is going on. Why does he contact me if this is how it is?
Simple.
True but I still love this man and hope for a reconciliation sometime in future if not now.
So it always feels things are getting better between us ever since he has started calling me of his own every weekend. He'll see if I call him or not and when I don't,he'll call me monday eve to remind me "hey,we didn't talk on phone this weekend"
It's just that I'm really clueless why does he contact me if he wants to disrespect me at times by making comments as such. I know he fears losing me with the way he freaked out big time when I told "we wont be anything more than an ex from now on" when he got me mad by acting over-smart.
But in my other post I try to broaden the perspective a little for you: the way he treats you, you should not love him. He certainly does not treat you like someone he loves. He is abusing you. And I think he feels like you deserve it, because you once upon a time hurt his feelings. But you do not. That´s not how you make things right.
But I am uncertain if any of this will ring a bell with you, because it is very obvious that you are still into him and all you do is long for his acceptance and love. You still don´t really see the bigger picture, and perhaps things just need to go on before you start to open your eyes and realize how much of yourself you put into this, the boy and the situation, and how little you get back. Hopefully you will grow tirred of it, when in 2-3 years time nothing has changed, and then maybe start to make moves.
There is no explanation you want to hear as to why he does what he does. It´s not out of love for you. It is out of love for himself. He doesn´t know how to get back up, without putting you down and keeping you there. And when you try to break free from his hold, for example by saying you are now ex´es, it freaks him out. Not because he thinks he is losing someone he loves. But he is losing his hold on you, his power over you and the acces to putting you down and treating you like he does. You start to get a voice of your own, and he doesn´t like that.click to expand
Posted by notsosure
I will leave this topic, because it´s kind of pointless for me to be here
Don't say that
Posted by notsosureI will do this. I'm sure he'd call or text soon.I'd ignore his text but I'd respond to his call and just say the things you've mentioned in your previous reply about how this isn't friendship but a state of abuse and that he has crossed the threshold and that he doesn't fear losing me but fears losing the power and control he has over me to make me feel like shit as and when he pleases.
I will say this before I go thoug: this guy doesn´t sound just as bad as the one I knew.
But I think the way to proceed is the same: talking to him. Start to stand up for yourself and see how he reacts. Ask him why it´s supposed to be funny and cute, when he sends a picture of a monkeys butt to you, but when you do it, it´s somehow tacky. Ask him why it´s okay for him to point out, that you are exes, but when you do it, somehow it´s different.
The things you wonder about are things you should take up with him, because only his reaction and reply will show you, how and who he is and what he wants.
What is needed most is that YOU start respecting yourself again. He will not if you don´t. And letting a person treat you like this is lacking selfrespect. Believing you love a person that treats you bad, is lack of selflove and selfrespect.
And if you lose him in the process of respecting yourself, well then he is worth loosing
Will post it here when this happens.
Posted by notsosureI have tried this before so many times but they have just backfired me and have caused ugly fights between us.He has been avoiding emotional talks like plague ever since we brokeup. They piss him off way too much. The only reason why he contacts me often now and of his own after 1.5 yrs is because I have stopped talking about emotional topics like asking him about us,love,relationships,me etc.Which is why I don't ask him any such thing anymore. That's why I post here to get a 3rd party perspective. I know, it's a mess.My only consolation is that he doesn't have a girlfriend and doesn't have a new interest either. Although,I don't know why does he randomly drop hints like "I am not looking for a relationship now because ive seen it be a big distraction professionally for some of my colleagues.So no girlfriend for me for a year atleast"
I think it´s great if you find the courage/will to speak to him about the things that bother you. - Because none of us here can fix it for you, and none of us can know how he is. So only his response and reaction to you will show you.
Just all the questions you come to post here, they should be talked about with him, because - again - he is the only one, who will give any kind of real answer on where you can go from here and change the situation.
Posted by notsosure
Guys do this stuff all the time. Some women too. But it is never love, because love does not behave like this.click to expand
Very well said.
Then why did he call me his long term investment months ago? Isn't that misleading? This is what he had said "You're my long term investment.Long term investments are investments which you make little by little and just keep it aside that way for some period of time and take care of your short term investments meanwhile. Once you get done with those completely and when it's time,you then get back to your long term investment". Isn't this misleading? He said this when I was teasing him about some good looking female colleagues at his work place and I teasingly said I am such a cool ex.That's when he said that.
This was many months ago.
Then 3 months ago I visited his city for a week and he knew it's customary to meet but he couldn't as he was overloaded with work. I left and he realized that may have hurt me so few days later while talking,he casually said " I need your take on one situation.A colleague of mine is having trouble with his girlfriend.He has been very busy lately and his girlfriend is unhappy that he isn't giving her time. Do you think she's right on being so unhappy? It's understandable to be unhappy but shouldn't she understand his point of view too?" Now I don't know if it's true co-incidence or he just made it up because of what happened between us(him not being able to meet me).
Then 3 weeks ago when he called and we were talking about life and future plans,he said how his male colleague's gf keeps calling and distracting him during work .I jokingly said "well,you should feel lucky I was such a good girlfriend".He said "I am open to other options" and continued talking.He realized that pricked me too bad as I got too silent and he said "if it's about my open to other options remark then let me tell you you're being silly. It was just a tongue in cheek and I was only pulling your legs. Didn't mean it at all." and then he tried hard to make me laugh and make sure everything's okay.
And now,he's out at this beautiful touristy place for work with a colleague(male).They share the same room in the hotel but still he'd call me at night after dinner and talk to me for an hr despite his roommate's presence.
THIS.This is the reason why I feel so confused. +_+
This was many months ago.
Then 3 months ago I visited his city for a week and he knew it's customary to meet but he couldn't as he was overloaded with work. I left and he realized that may have hurt me so few days later while talking,he casually said " I need your take on one situation.A colleague of mine is having trouble with his girlfriend.He has been very busy lately and his girlfriend is unhappy that he isn't giving her time. Do you think she's right on being so unhappy? It's understandable to be unhappy but shouldn't she understand his point of view too?" Now I don't know if it's true co-incidence or he just made it up because of what happened between us(him not being able to meet me).
Then 3 weeks ago when he called and we were talking about life and future plans,he said how his male colleague's gf keeps calling and distracting him during work .I jokingly said "well,you should feel lucky I was such a good girlfriend".He said "I am open to other options" and continued talking.He realized that pricked me too bad as I got too silent and he said "if it's about my open to other options remark then let me tell you you're being silly. It was just a tongue in cheek and I was only pulling your legs. Didn't mean it at all." and then he tried hard to make me laugh and make sure everything's okay.
And now,he's out at this beautiful touristy place for work with a colleague(male).They share the same room in the hotel but still he'd call me at night after dinner and talk to me for an hr despite his roommate's presence.
THIS.This is the reason why I feel so confused. +_+
@notsosure It's really not that I don't talk to him. Believe me when I say I have tried many times and I am a very articulate and blunt person. But as I said it annoys him to the core. He gets out of hand fumed when he talks anything to do with emotions.Not just with me but with everyone.Few times(even as recent as a week ago) he claimed that he has become this way because he has lost faith in love and relationships on account of me betraying his trust but that is no excuse for putting me down morally and emotionally. So this time,I promise my own hurt self,that I will tell him or rather order him to make a decision between having a healthy bond of respect or just end this connection forever.
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