6 months in - gonna start backing out?
This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by yummiekins on Friday, April 25, 2014 and has 34 replies.
hiyeee everyone. so.. he's my first Cappy that i've fallen for. he pursued me aggressively at first & when i started genuinely liking him & expressing that in the first month we met, he started backing off. I played it cool, though, b/c as much as I did like him, it wasn't that big of a deal, there's others. We agreed to be friends but since then, we've become close. He's opened up a lot. We've hooked up and do so pretty consistently. He's said before.. why label. Which is a philosophy I hold, too. 3 months later, I noticed he was talking to other girls. When I asked him about it he was honest. Said he does, but goal isn't sex although sometimes they do sex him, but not regularly. So at that point I was like ok, it is what it is so I started talking to other guys. Once he found out, he exhibited possessiveness. He had been inching his way closer to me since & after having spent some ample QT, he's been backing off again.
I don't wanna put myself out there again and my patience is, unfortunately, waning. It sucks to know that as soon as I stop putting in effort, what we've built will wane, too. I know for a fact I like him more than he likes me, though, & the imbalance has been going on too long. 6 months, to me, is ample time to invest & I think now is a good time to start backing out. Anyone else agree?
I don't wanna put myself out there again and my patience is, unfortunately, waning. It sucks to know that as soon as I stop putting in effort, what we've built will wane, too. I know for a fact I like him more than he likes me, though, & the imbalance has been going on too long. 6 months, to me, is ample time to invest & I think now is a good time to start backing out. Anyone else agree?
What's your sign?
leo
I think he just backs off to spend time with himself. That's not an unusual cap trait. When he starts making a lot of excuses and backing out on dates etc.then it's time to move on. We always make time for the people we really care about.
I'm getting the impression that you haven't set any boundaries or goals for the relationship. And he just wants to play the field and your letting him. Don't sell yourself short. If you want more, go after it. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man that does not like you as much as you like him. That's hurtful.
I'm getting the impression that you haven't set any boundaries or goals for the relationship. And he just wants to play the field and your letting him. Don't sell yourself short. If you want more, go after it. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man that does not like you as much as you like him. That's hurtful.
thanks for the insight creativecap. our common goal in the relationship is to nurture a friendship based on high, mutual respect. That's the furthest we've discussed it which was initiated by me. It's kind of difficult for us to commit to anything long-term as there's a possibility that we'll both be moving away for our careers after the summer, which we both knew when we first met. & yeah, part of it is I feel like I'm not on the same status level as he is as he's graduated ivy, is well-connected, etc. while I never went to college. As for me liking him more, at first it wasn't that big of a deal b/c it was different. Objectively speaking, guys usually throw themselves, so he proposed himself as a challenge, which us Leos are apparently cynic in that way that we enjoy it. But like I said, I'm feeling like throwing in the towel - not in an angry or resentful way or anything, but just kind of exhausted at making the efforts, feeling resigned. & wanna enjoy giving myself some pampering & attention. The only thing I fear in doing that is from what I read, we're supposed to be super patient with cappy's, but idk. I think in this case, if I put myself first I'll win either way. what do you think?
I think someone should do a statistical study of how many Leos come here describing the EXACT same scenario:
1) Cap pursues vehemently
2) Leo gives in and shows some love
3) Cap backs off (or even runs away)
Personally, I don't get it.
1) Cap pursues vehemently
2) Leo gives in and shows some love
3) Cap backs off (or even runs away)
Personally, I don't get it.
Nurture a relationship on respect.
So yall are just friends... with bennies.
Man I cant judge you because Ive been there... if he cant make up his mind and you already have then move onto someone who wants the same thing you do. Simple as that.
Timing is everything and well the timing for him is off.
So yall are just friends... with bennies.
Man I cant judge you because Ive been there... if he cant make up his mind and you already have then move onto someone who wants the same thing you do. Simple as that.
Timing is everything and well the timing for him is off.
There are sooooo many other options to consider, some bad some good some great and some better.
Find what works for you in the present abd be clear about what you want.
Find what works for you in the present abd be clear about what you want.
Posted by SpiceNSugar
I think someone should do a statistical study of how many Leos come here describing the EXACT same scenario:
1) Cap pursues vehemently
2) Leo gives in and shows some love
3) Cap backs off (or even runs away)
Personally, I don't get it.
Right?! You might as well just read one of the billion of cap and leo dilemma post for advice. I agree that you are selling yourself short. If things are already starting out rocky and you also don't see a future then it is a set up for disappointment, but that's your decision, all relationships are learning experiences.
I've dated mostly Caps they work in mysterious ways, yet we love them. But they are basketcases and I say only pursue a cap, as a leo, if he is giving you what you want from the beginning.
Doesn't the chase become unappealing after a certain age? :/ to me someone not wanting to "label" with someone they "really like" is a sign of someone who's fickle and unsure. Therefore, you will never feel secure. Why be another one of his hook up buddies? What about him do you really like? Since you're going to be putting yourself on the line!!!
Actually, I think that there are some very fundamental differences in communication style s between Caps and Leos. On the one hand, it's part of the attraction. On the other hand, it's also part of the difficulties and heartbreak.
@peanutbutter hehe i agree wichu! & thanks for not judging, this is the first that i've been in this position tbh & yeah.. i mean we both went into this telling each other we weren't looking for a relationship & then BAM! his mystery, his alpha-ness, his quiet confidence just got me after a month in. but you definitely have a point - it really could be that simple.
to address @fireykitty's question about what i really like well.. he's so different from any guy i've ever met that spending time with him is like its own adventure, except intellectually. have you ever met anyone that taught you so much about beautiful things? it's really amazing the vast knowledge that he has & he has a quiet power about him where he just ends up always alpha'ing the dynamic of a room effortlessly (very sexy & masculine - major turn ons) & a trait that not many people possess. (not over-exaggerating p.s., these are objective statements).
the funny thing is when i decided to talk to other guys, one came to me, a very very handsome, successful, & fun one & is pursuing me aggressively but he's just not doing it for me & i'm kinda beating myself up like whyyyy am i not attracted to this onnnneee. B/c cappy's got me, that's why lol. & i feel like i'll always wonder about him after I decide to back off. but ya know how it goes.. as soon as you like someone, the feelings for the former one just begin to disappear eventually & yeah, I think that's what I'll do. I'll have a conversation about it with him first, though, b/c I did choose to be here on my own & while it's been super fun, I think it's time that I address & communicate that I want more & I'll hear him out with what he has to say & then most likely back off.
to address @fireykitty's question about what i really like well.. he's so different from any guy i've ever met that spending time with him is like its own adventure, except intellectually. have you ever met anyone that taught you so much about beautiful things? it's really amazing the vast knowledge that he has & he has a quiet power about him where he just ends up always alpha'ing the dynamic of a room effortlessly (very sexy & masculine - major turn ons) & a trait that not many people possess. (not over-exaggerating p.s., these are objective statements).
the funny thing is when i decided to talk to other guys, one came to me, a very very handsome, successful, & fun one & is pursuing me aggressively but he's just not doing it for me & i'm kinda beating myself up like whyyyy am i not attracted to this onnnneee. B/c cappy's got me, that's why lol. & i feel like i'll always wonder about him after I decide to back off. but ya know how it goes.. as soon as you like someone, the feelings for the former one just begin to disappear eventually & yeah, I think that's what I'll do. I'll have a conversation about it with him first, though, b/c I did choose to be here on my own & while it's been super fun, I think it's time that I address & communicate that I want more & I'll hear him out with what he has to say & then most likely back off.
Hey caliber! What about when the Cap is the overwhelming pursuer at the start and won't let up until you give in?
@spicensugar haha that's literally what happened when we first met, he was relentless.
so this just happened. he just told me the salary he'd be making if he were to take the position he'd been interviewing for (without me asking) & offered to see me as soon as he got back into town so he can share what happened during the negotiations. the salary disclosure is a big deal for a cap amiright?
beginning to think twice about having the conversation with him; depends on whether he decides to take this position (which is an out-of-state, out-of-country position). if he does take it, i'm not gonna even mention it & just continue being friends after we both move on career-wise. if he doesn't & we both end up staying in the area, then i'll bring it up. that makes sense right?
so this just happened. he just told me the salary he'd be making if he were to take the position he'd been interviewing for (without me asking) & offered to see me as soon as he got back into town so he can share what happened during the negotiations. the salary disclosure is a big deal for a cap amiright?
beginning to think twice about having the conversation with him; depends on whether he decides to take this position (which is an out-of-state, out-of-country position). if he does take it, i'm not gonna even mention it & just continue being friends after we both move on career-wise. if he doesn't & we both end up staying in the area, then i'll bring it up. that makes sense right?
" i started genuinely liking him & expressing that in the first month we met"
I think you expressed that too soon. In one month, he's still trying to decide whether he likes you enough to continue. It usually takes about 3 months for me to decide whether to move things forward or not.
----------------
"We agreed to be friends but since then, we've become close. He's opened up a lot. We've hooked up and do so pretty consistently...I noticed he was talking to other girls. When I asked him about it he was honest. Said he does, but goal isn't sex although sometimes they do sex him"
You agreed to hook up with him without him having to make any effort. No, he's not going to allow you to ruin his free and easy life style by putting a label on it. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too.
-----------------
"so I started talking to other guys. Once he found out, he exhibited possessiveness. He had been inching his way closer to me since & after having spent some ample QT, he's been backing off again."
He saw how easy it was for you to let him back in. So, this pattern will repeat unless you put a stop to it.
-----------
Keep in mind, I'm not judging you. Just my observatons. I think you ought to cut the benefits because you're going to end up getting hurt. I don't think he is serious about you. He sounds young and in party mode, not to mention banging anything that will let him.
You can do better!!! You seem nice and you do deserve better.
I think you expressed that too soon. In one month, he's still trying to decide whether he likes you enough to continue. It usually takes about 3 months for me to decide whether to move things forward or not.
----------------
"We agreed to be friends but since then, we've become close. He's opened up a lot. We've hooked up and do so pretty consistently...I noticed he was talking to other girls. When I asked him about it he was honest. Said he does, but goal isn't sex although sometimes they do sex him"
You agreed to hook up with him without him having to make any effort. No, he's not going to allow you to ruin his free and easy life style by putting a label on it. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too.
-----------------
"so I started talking to other guys. Once he found out, he exhibited possessiveness. He had been inching his way closer to me since & after having spent some ample QT, he's been backing off again."
He saw how easy it was for you to let him back in. So, this pattern will repeat unless you put a stop to it.
-----------
Keep in mind, I'm not judging you. Just my observatons. I think you ought to cut the benefits because you're going to end up getting hurt. I don't think he is serious about you. He sounds young and in party mode, not to mention banging anything that will let him.
You can do better!!! You seem nice and you do deserve better.
I posted that ^^ before I read this
Posted by yummiekins
hi @truecap, in hindsight, i can totally agree that i definitely said things way too early. if there's a next time that i'll be meeting a cap, i'll know better & will keep my lips shut until another couple months or so lol. and ok on the salary thing.
overall thanks for your insight! i'll definitely be considering it muches & so good to get another perspective. i think i will be backing off & cutting off the benefits thing, slowly ween myself off the cappy's teet ;p
overall thanks for your insight! i'll definitely be considering it muches & so good to get another perspective. i think i will be backing off & cutting off the benefits thing, slowly ween myself off the cappy's teet ;p
Posted by caliber
c:
that could be purely for the sake of conquest. see how far we can get.. any challenge is a good challenge after all. i've done that in the past when i was younger and testing boundaries.
poke the caged lion at the zoo until he bites, then run away giggling in a mix fear and exhilaration.
I'd think twice about behaving that way. Have you heard the one about the zoo tiger who hunted down some teenagers who were taunting him, mauling two and killing one? True Story:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Francisco_Zoo_tiger_attacks
Moral of the story. Don't make fun of big cats because their bites can be fatal
Posted by yummiekins
@spicensugar haha that's literally what happened when we first met, he was relentless.
I don't doubt you. I experienced the same thing.
Caps do start to back off but that has alot to do with the push pull dynamic. Show interest but dont be over the top. Let him be the one that sings your graces you just stand there looking pretty and be receptive to the compliments
Let it be known that he is lucky to have you and that is compliment enough.
Thats not to say be cold. No. Be kind be your sweet open self but always know where to draw the line. Yes they want the conquest and yes it gets boring once they have it so just keep waving the carrot in front of the goats eyes and then lower it a tad bit so he feels hes closer to getting a nibble when in reality you have the power to pull back.
Thats not to say be cold. No. Be kind be your sweet open self but always know where to draw the line. Yes they want the conquest and yes it gets boring once they have it so just keep waving the carrot in front of the goats eyes
and then lower it a tad bit so he feels hes closer to getting a nibble when in reality you have the power to pull back.@peanutbutter you know what you literally read my mind on that! I've decided to do exactly just that. I'll be open b/c ya know.. i still like my cappy, but decided to keep my options open. he snapped me a video of what he was doing tonight so i snapped him back with a guy who gave me a napkin with his number on it asking me if i wanted to do jazz night on sunday literally at that moment. so it might seem show offy but i want him to know that i always have options and ultimately, i chose him b/c i want him, not that i needed him. but yes.. already mentally putting the brakes on, but will still be friendly & myself, always admiring him, but less so making extraneous effort on my end. just gonna go with the flow & be open to whatever happens even if it excludes him.
thanks for all the insights guys! if you're int'd in knowing what happens next, i'll update when something happens!
thanks for all the insights guys! if you're int'd in knowing what happens next, i'll update when something happens!
I`d say earth and fire don`t match well. So dont earth and air. Even when a relationship is built it takes so much effort that it becomes exhausting in the end. On both sides. A taurus girlfriend of mine is trying at the moment with an aqua man: disaster! They dont seem to speak the same language.
And bad news for fire signs is they suffer, not Caps. Not a good much, as simple as that.
And bad news for fire signs is they suffer, not Caps. Not a good much, as simple as that.
Posted by asha
And bad news for fire signs is they suffer, not Caps.
Truth!
I dont think thats fair to say.
My Cap friend is married to an Aries and he's not always happy. At the end of the day she comes first, but he has his complaints...but she i think she does too.
I think its work for both. I also have an aunt married to a Cap. Both of these women are a bit spoiled in ways, neither really work, but both of the Cap men seem to do as they please in ways.
My Cap friend is married to an Aries and he's not always happy. At the end of the day she comes first, but he has his complaints...but she i think she does too.
I think its work for both. I also have an aunt married to a Cap. Both of these women are a bit spoiled in ways, neither really work, but both of the Cap men seem to do as they please in ways.
Posted by lnana04
I dont think thats fair to say.
You're right. So maybe we should just say that they suffer in very different ways.
Signed Up: Jan 15, 2014
Comments: 1 · Posts: 1685 · Topics: 200
Comments: 1 · Posts: 1685 · Topics: 200
Why would fire signs suffer with a Cap?
@noname heh what can I say, I go for what I want ;p I like to explore my feelings fully, see what's in store. it's kinda like an adventure & it's pretty fun. to me, anyway, I realize not many people think the way I do.
& as for the sexing, when we first started hooking up casually, we agreed we'd practice safe sex, etc & I've been checked every month since we started (6 months now) & all is clear. I agree it is gross if you're not talking about it at all but we have & we're adult about it.
shrugz, honestly I'm pretty casual about this stuff. I gave him the 6 months, asked others for insight, agreed with most & now moving on while @ the same time staying friends. I don't like to force things and have the definetherelationship conversations, in general. like someone said on here, it's about the timing & obvi timing is off.
so at the moment, i'm in the process of backing out. i'm not initiating communication as much as I was but still being friendly & open when he reaches out to me b/c I'm still smitten by him & still admire him - that doesn't change for me cuz he's still the same guy & i'm still the same girl! Just gonna look for other adventures outside of him & I'm pretty excited to see what else is out there.
& as for the sexing, when we first started hooking up casually, we agreed we'd practice safe sex, etc & I've been checked every month since we started (6 months now) & all is clear. I agree it is gross if you're not talking about it at all but we have & we're adult about it.
shrugz, honestly I'm pretty casual about this stuff. I gave him the 6 months, asked others for insight, agreed with most & now moving on while @ the same time staying friends. I don't like to force things and have the definetherelationship conversations, in general. like someone said on here, it's about the timing & obvi timing is off.
so at the moment, i'm in the process of backing out. i'm not initiating communication as much as I was but still being friendly & open when he reaches out to me b/c I'm still smitten by him & still admire him - that doesn't change for me cuz he's still the same guy & i'm still the same girl! Just gonna look for other adventures outside of him & I'm pretty excited to see what else is out there.
Posted by yummiekins
so at the moment, i'm in the process of backing out. i'm not initiating communication as much as I was but still being friendly & open when he reaches out to me b/c I'm still smitten by him & still admire him - that doesn't change for me cuz he's still the same guy & i'm still the same girl! Just gonna look for other adventures outside of him & I'm pretty excited to see what else is out there.
This sounds like a good and reasonable plan. Good luck!
Just out of curiosity...what's your Venus sign and his?
Posted by noname
peanutbutter you are good lol
dangle that carrot girls
hai guys just an update: since he's been back in town, he's been wanting to spend more and more time. plus b/c of a recent success i had career-related, he offered to help me whenever possible as he was really excited for me. at the same time, i've been expressive about how he's one of my favorite humans in general & how grateful i am that i met him. & after i expressed that, he's been a lot more affectionate than ever & just been so much more generous re: time, resources, etc. we've been doing a lot more sharing.. text msgs that we get, snapchats from friends, emails we've been receiving, lots & lots of stories, cooking dinner together & watching shows etc.
i know that a lot of us women are on that tip where it's like.. a man is SUPPOSED to do this and he's supposed to do that but to me.. i that no one's really obligated to give anyone anything. that's how i see it & b/c i have that perspective, i'm just grateful for what i do get from my cappy. don't get me wrong, i know i deserve "more" at any point at any time, but i also believe it's a process to get there. and while i can always have 'the talk' with him, i feel it's more fun to let it unfold organically. watch each other's actions while being expressive about how much we admire & respect each other, bring up things that i like & don't like as they happen & watch him adjust. if he does, he's into it. if he doesn't, he disqualified himself.
and so far.. my cappy hasn't disqualified himself. it's been a yes-yes relationship where anything i've asked from him, he's said yes. and anything he asks from me i say yes.
so.. am i backing out still? well.. is there such a thing as standing still? like @peanutbutter said, just stand there, be pretty & sweet & open... & i'll just watch him come to me.
i know that a lot of us women are on that tip where it's like.. a man is SUPPOSED to do this and he's supposed to do that but to me.. i that no one's really obligated to give anyone anything. that's how i see it & b/c i have that perspective, i'm just grateful for what i do get from my cappy. don't get me wrong, i know i deserve "more" at any point at any time, but i also believe it's a process to get there. and while i can always have 'the talk' with him, i feel it's more fun to let it unfold organically. watch each other's actions while being expressive about how much we admire & respect each other, bring up things that i like & don't like as they happen & watch him adjust. if he does, he's into it. if he doesn't, he disqualified himself.
and so far.. my cappy hasn't disqualified himself. it's been a yes-yes relationship where anything i've asked from him, he's said yes. and anything he asks from me i say yes.
so.. am i backing out still? well.. is there such a thing as standing still? like @peanutbutter said, just stand there, be pretty & sweet & open... & i'll just watch him come to me.
Glad things are looking up for you yummiekins.
Yes. I agree that not expecting a lot from people takes a great deal of pressure off both parties. We really can't control the decisions that other people make.
Keep your expectations low, but the standards you set for romantic relationships should remain high. I seen a major shift in my relationships after I adopted this philosophy.
Keep your expectations low, but the standards you set for romantic relationships should remain high. I seen a major shift in my relationships after I adopted this philosophy.
Posted by CreativeCap
Yes. I agree that not expecting a lot from people takes a great deal of pressure off both parties. We really can't control the decisions that other people make.
Keep your expectations low, but the standards you set for romantic relationships should remain high. I seen a major shift in my relationships after I adopted this philosophy.
Yes, this philosophy does indeed work! Standards should be kept high, expectations low. Always keep grounded and rooted in reality guys!
@creativecap & @peanutbutter so agree with both of you. It's like the most you can do is frame what you want as a request and let the other person decide if that's what they want to do for you & for themselves. It's like that way.. you feel secure that they're doing it b/c it's what they want as opposed to always questioning whether they're doing it b/c you pressured them into doing it.
& thanks @spicensugar. as we know, it's a process & relationships are an always evolving thing. i'm sure we'll have a dip again, but for now, it's good ;]
& thanks @spicensugar. as we know, it's a process & relationships are an always evolving thing. i'm sure we'll have a dip again, but for now, it's good ;]
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