Aries confused by a Cappy.... need your opinion

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by Mars.In.Aries on Wednesday, March 4, 2009 and has 18 replies.
New to the boards, but in typical Aries fashion, I'll get straight to the point. BTW.... hello!!!!
Okay, quick synaps. First, didn't think of this cappy guy romantically at all. We work together in an unusual setting, and progressively over the months, we would hang out, but always with other co-workers, or at his house w/ roomies.
The first time that we really hung out was at my house. We had been drinking with a couple of buddies, all left but one, which the cappy and homeboy ended up staying the night. Cappy and I stayed up into the break of dawn talking. Finally when I was ready for bed, he said that he didn't want to sleep on the pull out since it was outside, and insisted on me being a good host and letting him sleep in my bed. I was pickled by this straight-forward technique, so I allowed it to happen, with the strict understanding that there be no sex involved. He agreed.
Another time we were hanging out at his house partying, and I was ready to crash, so he told me to go lay in his bed. I did, he stayed up partying a little longer, I fell asleep, and next thing I know he's waking me up kissing me. I kiss back, but again, made the strict boundary that there be no sex.
Another time, same thing, partying at his house, we go to bed together, no sex, I won't let him please me, but I go down on him. Then, on his birthday, we party for it, have a great time, stay up to the early morning talking, go to bed, again no sex on my part, but since it was his birthday, I give him a b'day present.
At this point, I start to develope feelings for him, right? Something that went unnoticed before now has me noticing, mainly because he had a calming affect on me when I would get angry or overly-emotional, and all around, would point out things that I was doing without me realizing it. Usually I would go ape shit if someone would do this to me, but his approach seemed genuine and it was non-aggressive. plus, he was not pressuring me about the sex thing, or anything like that, so to me, he seemed legit.
So, one time I ask him if just him and I could spend time together since we were always in a social setting. His immediate response was "Maybe", followed by a "We'll see". So, not only am I taken aback by this response since things seemed to be going well, and I wasn't asking him to be my boyfriend or anything, so, I take it on as a challange, right??? He declares he's not looking for a relationship, I claim the same thing since I'm waiting a year to c
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dammit.... didn't realize there's a writing limit.
Anyways, things have been hot and cold between us. He would piss me off, so in return I would piss him off, and basically he started being what I call a "polite jerk", He lost my cell phone one day and didn't even bother looking for it, even though I asked him to. He found it under the couch after his dog nudged the ball under there.
I left my favorite pair of shoes there (I was hung over and left without them on)and he has yet to bring them back to me. When I ask about them, he just smiles and says that he'll bring them when he brings them. I have thus stopped asking him about the damn shoes, because quite frankly, it's a big mark against him.
He's also exhibited behavior that I'm not too fond about. One being, that he takes on the "homeboy" mentality to a whole new level that it's pathetic. "My dog" this and "my dog" that..... ANNOYING!!!! because of this tendancy, I have found that he won't stick up for what's right, but will stick up for his "dogs". Unfortunately, there was a scenario that involved me and another co-worker where we were having a verbal disagreement, yet cappy-homeboy decided to yell at me for being too loud, disregarding the fact that the other co-work was threatening me (don't ever threaten a female aries unless you know you can run quick, or you know you're a hard hitter). I got really upset and started to cry outside, yet he came to check up on me to make sure that I was okay. CONFUSING!!!!!
So, when I think that things are cooling down and I start retracting away, guess who I randomly see at the bar on our day off???? And guess who is throwing compliments left and right? And guess who's have an extensive conversation??? I wait a week, and finally I decide to text him that I really like him, and again the response falls flat.
What the hell is going on here??? I'm usually the one being told that I'm confusing, yet I think homeboy takes the cake. Was I too forward and too sudden to tell him how I feel? I know caps are cautious, but not to indicate anything when someone tells you flat out that they like you??? That's just plain rude in my books.
So, any cappies out there care to explain what is going on??? I'm assuming right now that he doesn't share the same feelings, and that I should just apologize that I was honest about my feelings, because now I feel vulnerable, and I hate being in this position. In fact, the last time I was in this position I was in middle sc
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actually, the question that was posed to clinton was "have you ever had sexual relations". In which clinton denied that he had. I'm not denying that I've had sexual relations, but as far as sex goes, his penis has never penetrated my vagina. Is that more defined for you Ms. Jones????
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I meant to say that clinton denied having sexual relations..... I've vut up my hand so it's hard to type
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I'm not a CAP man for sure... but am dealing with one lately.
Don't feel vulnerable at all for telling him you really like him. Just pull back, Aries. You said what you felt saying. So now stop there.

One thing I'm learning in general about relationships is that being RANDOM is the trick to make the guy more addicted to you!
That's actually how guys get us. Once we start getting predictive, they turn random and we start getting addicted to their *REWARDING US*. Once they reward us, we hope to get many more rewards. It's like gambling on a slot machine. It makes you first win. Then you win a couple more times but not as much, but then you start losing, you try more and more, because you want to get the reward.

Turn it around and YOU become the rewarder at unexpected times. Ignore him at times. Say good-bye before he says. Then other times be super nice, but disappear on him for a while after you have been super nice.
That's all I can suggest for now. It is a scientific fact that males use their mind over their emotions. Women use their emotions over their minds when in a relationship. So use your mind. Think like a guy. I am not suggesting that men do this consciously. It is innate. But look at these boards if there is even ONE guy who complains about girls as we complain of guys?? If you find such, read what the woman is doing to him.
just a suggestion. May or may not work for you.


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Oh.... about your shoes, honey

just knock his door without prior announcement and get your shoes back.
He will most possibly LOVE you for that you came just unexpectedly. And if he doesn't... then at least you have your shoes back.
He probably will though... just an intuitive observation. Some cappies seem to like the spontaneity.

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Hi! Welcome to the board, to shed some light, yes you were too forward, if you go back and read what you wrote he only began the hot and cold ONCE you decided to shed light on your feelings, he was pretty comfortable with the pace and direction (with no labels) once labels and moving forward came into play, it made things akward, he has to be the aggressor, if he isn't then it's going to feeling controlling and forced, asking him to hang out alone was a huge NO NO, it has to be his idea or it's not going to work, basically this is pretty universal with men, if he's the initiator it's much easier for the woman and you won't set yourself up for rejection b/c his intiating for more is his signal to you that he's ready for you, when women take that from a man it kills attraction.
now I'm sure you were engaging your questions off of how you felt but I find with cap men you have to WAIT because he's contradictory by nature so although he may kiss you, he may send out signals that he's interested he also may not be sure about you although that may not be the vibe you picked up, (not all caps) but they can be huge flirts, very attentive, very giving ON HIS TERMS and this is what trips women up, they feel hey he's attentive, he's kissing me, he's complimenting me, why not spill my guts and tell him how I feel because he feels pretty safe, well telling him how you feel has to be done in a way that says I don't need a particular outcome or result, you have to do it in a way that feels natural, not forced, in a way that says I'm okay with how you choose to deal with me, if you can't accept his pace then your going to have a hell of a time with this guy. If you fall short by being tempermental with him due to his lack of actions he will conclude your needy, insecure and want a relationship, it's not what you say that counts, it's how you behave that tells him what you want...
I would suggest no more telling him how you feel, he already knows, let him figure out his next step, DON'T HELP HIM CHASE YOU by being too available (it kills attraction) let him come to you which he will if he's seriously interested in you, go get your shoes or have someone pick them up, don't ask him for your shoes, just go and get them, don't give him that much control because CONTROL plays a huge factor in dealing with this kind of guy, everything has to be his idea, on his time table, in his way. You can't push him to give more to you by being forward.
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Patience, tons and tons of it and the boundaries of control are being set up day one, he wants to control but he will respect you if you stand up for yourself when you believe in something...you may be too head strong for him and this may be one of the many reasons why he's hesitating, not all but lots of cap men are emotionally lazy and if you feel like too much work he will opt for something short term rather than long term.
Also Some cap men are huge commitment phobes so they are much more inclined to pace things like turtle slow, this is why women feel safe but the key is to let it be what it be when its happening, don't push, don't ask, don't do anything but lean back and allow him to come to you and he will IF you allow him the room to pace himself, he seems to have no issues with engaging you but it may not be enough for him to want more, you can't help him with that by following up with text messages etc, that FEELS like your chasing to a man and it kills attraction on his part, do what your doing because your doing something right by pulling his attention but then you have to let him go on or it will turn into a power struggle real quickly and that will kill attraction as well and may be the ax that hatchets it all up....
If you can lean back you will see if he's truly interested in more, if he's not coming to you, if he's not persistent then he's not that into you...let him go on, I'm sure there is other guys that would love to give more of themselves to you without all the hot and cold behavior, hot and cold means not interested enough, I know women don't want to believe it but it's true, men that are interested don't run away from you, play cat and mouse games, there are things you can do to BUILD more attraction and one of them is moving away from anything that feels forced (feeling forced means you having to follow up after a meeting), if he's moving away from you, leading you on, not contacting you after a great night out, then pull back...
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I agree with you tiki...... hot and cold may not be the proper word to describe, as it's more his hesitation vs. my hesitation. There is a connection, everybody comments on it. When things were good, they were kosher and comfortable. I think he knows he messed up by being confrontational with me. We've argued, but I've stood my ground, and I know that turned him on.
It's difficult coz I work in a kitchen where I'm the only female, so I get alot of male attention. But he's the one who has caught my attention because of things that have occurred outside of work. Maybe he's holding onto my shoes so that I go over there, I don't know. I know that he is teaching me patience, and that counts for something, because it's what I need to learn. I'm sure I'm teaching him to take risks that are worth taking, coz I'm scared that he's going to box himself into a life forever and be content with that. I'm a boundary pusher and I take risks not because I'm hot headed, impatient, or a dare devil. I do it coz you live one life as it is, and I don't want to be boxed into something that will make me contect. I want something that will make me happy and progress me forward.
Through talking, he has indicated that he's been hurt in the past. So have I, but I still have an open heart. Trust is a big issue for me, and somethings that he's done questions his motives. His homeboy mentality throws me off, yet yesterday he stood up for me in front of the other guys......
I'm emotionally honest with myself. I'm honest mostly to my own detriment, but people know where they stand with me. I'm not fake, nor do I have hidden motives or agendas. I like him coz he calms my firey soul. I'm so accustomed to people pushing my buttons and always being on the defense, but with him, his approach is different that I don't feel like I have to be like that. But, I think it made me too soft, and I know from experience that when I become soft, I open myself up to vulnerablity and hurt. But I do it, because to me, he's worth the risk.....
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Well I'm jus going to put it out there some may not agree but when a cap man wants you, he will not hesitate, hurt in the past is thrown out the window if he really wants you in his life, if your too pushy, he will feel controlled and back all the way up, if his comfort zone is being challenged he will pull back, so let him live in his box, you can't really push a cap man out of it unless he's willing and again it has to be his idea or he won't budge, if he's not paying attention to you at work whilst everyone else is then it's natural that you will be drawn to him...ever read the book The Game, will it discusses how men can build attraction by not paying attention to the woman that most men openly desire but to stay on the issue, men use being hurt in the past to slow a woman down, a woman that he's not sure about, cap men make great friends but you will feel strained if you want him more than he wants you, they like transparency which could be the one thing that makes him feel attraction but being pushy, forceful, demanding, aggressive will turn him off so although he may like the fact that your expressing how you feel, he may not like that you are following up and requesting alone time, being a bit pushy which feels controlling and for most men they will ease up, doesn't mean he doesn't like you but a connection ISN'T ENOUGH for a man to throw away his single life, that's were men and women differ, women feel chemistry and connection and they are ready to give it all up whereas men see it as just what it is, connect and chemistry, they may test to see if things will work but that doesn't mean he wants any more than that...Caps the ones I know do have a calming effect but they will not be pushed nor forced into a relationship no matter how good the connection is..
As for being vulnerable there is nothing wrong with that, it's attractive and it helps a man understand you but you can't be pushy ie afraid and expect more because your vulnerable, you have to learn what to do for yourself when you feel vulnerable instead of expecting him to do something to make you feel safe, if you decide he should be your source of comfort then that sends the red flag that your co-dependent ie needy and he will back off...
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Don't make him worth the risk until he has shown you that he clearly intends on following through with you, this is were some women make the mistake, they give themselves too soon, they put it out there too soon that they want a relationship even when you don't say I want a relationship that is what he hears, you have to give the man a chance to figure out what he wants, caps think things through, they mull over it, they have to figure out if you will fit into his life long term...when a woman puts her feelings out there, it's scary for us, we panic, we feel rejected if a man doesn't at some point reciprocate, and we expect a man to respond to our feelings and most likely he will not at least not in the way we desire and this is why although I'm all for women going out there and getting what they want in life, when it comes to a man it hardly rarely ever works, if he's lazy then yes you can push him but if he's his own man he will resist a woman's efforts and that resistance feels like rejection, it's better to allow him to figure it out and come to you, it makes for an easy process and the woman feels cherished...
Enough of my blabbering, I tend to do that...good luck and keep us updated!
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Uhhmmm not to sound mean but Can you tell me WHY? you gave him a b-day present yet refused his willingness to accept his pleasure back? I'm a capricorn woman but I have talked with some of my male cappy friends and although they did not want to admit it there is a link between sexual acts/intimacy with caps. For instance, the fact that you gave him a blow job may have sent a message to him, I'll stop right here.
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sagi and noire..... I wouldn't let him pleasure me because a) it would lead to sex and I'm being abstinent for a year since my last relationship ended up costing alot for me. In march is when the year is up, but that doesn't mean that I'm running off to bed with the first guy I meet. I really want a guy to respect me before I have sex with them.
I'm just going to ignore him until he says something to me, or that after a period of time I'll say something to him. I'm not wanting to play games anymore. I'm not asking for a committment, or anything like that, but acknowledgement. If that's asking too much from him, then it's his loss..... I've graduated from high school, and obviously it's an indication that he just wants to be one of the homeboys for a while. Then so be it..... he's entitled to that.
Thanks for your input. I'm giving up on this one....... my heart is closed to him. If he wants anything, then he's really going to have to make a great impact, and by great, I mean he's going to have to climb mountains. He is a goat after all, right????
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Well since you gave him a blow, he's now trying to categorize you whether you're a slut or a good girl. He's or he'll be testing you to see what kind of woman you are. If you want something serious out of it, show him that you're serious and don't give him any if he's not willing to be with you officials. You gotta be independent and think with your head, not emotions. Because emotions confuse us from the reality and we jump to do things that make us happy only for a minute. Think about tomorrow. It's just like education, you gotta study for exams, this is when you gotta sacrifice that sexual attraction you have for him and work for a relationship by doing this. Your job is to make him come after you while you're living your own life without issues and his job is to chase you. This is passed from old old traditions but believe it or not it works to have a fulfilling and lasting relationship. My mother has told me many times that a man has to chase after, because you're a prize. You're the one who has to be won. The more work he'll put into getting you, the more he'll be drawn to you. It takes a very patient woman to go through this, but meanwhile you just date others and have fun. Don't keep yourself bored and dont think about him too much. Focus on your life and other goals.
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sagigoat.... it was a choice that I made. I wanted to give him the blow job, but I didn't want the sex. I'm a very sexual person. Sex is sensual to me, and I love being close to someone and watching them recieve pleasure. It turns me on.
I don't view oral sex as sex per se.... it's something that a female can perform to show her appreciation and vice versa. I might be messed up saying this, but it's how I view it. I'm not "giving up" anything when I give a guy head. And I love giving blow jobs, and I know I'm damn good at giving them.
With sex, I'm giving in to something. Sex is an energy source for me when I can release alot. Sometimes after great sex, I cry and I'm emotional. I want to be able to share that with someone who would appreciate it and respect me for it. I've had my slutty days, and that is why I vowed abstinence for a year.....
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sagigoat.... what I wrote is still there. I think you need to re-read what I wrote. You can't pick and choose what you wanna hear simply because I gave the dude a blow job and you want to continue harping on my actions of giving him a blow job. Get over it already!!! It was fun. He enjoyed it and I enjoyed it. Stop trying to cheapen me as some slut because my behavior contradicts your point of view.
He's not looking for a relationship and I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm not asking ANYTHING out of him. And he's not my homeboy, I referred to his "homeboy" mentality. He is a human being that sparked my interest. We had contagious conversations. He has a calming affect on me. My friends would like him. His intelligence is witty like mine is. He doesn't miss a beat.
Now, if you wanna state that you think that I made an error giving him the blow jobs, then state it. But stop prissy-footing around slinging biased comments simply on what your interpretation may or may not be. I'm not entering that argument with you. I did it and I'm happy that I did.
And he is a challenge to me.... that's what I was referring to. Homeboy is teaching me patience, and he might not even realize it. It's what I need to learn, and just like other painful lessons in my life, this one is painful too coz I always put myself out there based on my honesty.
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Posted by ArianMilWife
Posted by Mars.In.Aries
He's not looking for a relationship and I'm not looking for a relationship.



If you do not want a relationship and he does not, stop being upset about how he is acting. However; you told him you had feelings...indicative that you want something more.
click to expand


So, what you're saying is that because I told him that I like him, that automatically means that I want something like a relationship from him??? You think that's what he's thinking?
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what if I clarified to him what I meant???? What if I told him that he has taught me patience and to exercise caution and sometimes letting go of the impulsive impulses that I get???? My intention was not to make him back off, my intention was to state what I honestly feel. I know he feels the same way, but there is the issue that we work together, that I challenge his concept of traditional values, but yet I possess what he's looking for...... I say I never want to get married, and he says he one day wants to settle down. I' m not thinking kids, marriage or anything like that with him....... I know that I like him, and that he has taught me alot about myself, what I like nd what I dislike, in a short period of time...... It counts for something for me..... I've never met someone like him before, and I'm sure he can say that he's never met someone like me before.......
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