Cap action vs words

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by miavam on Monday, March 25, 2013 and has 32 replies.
I am friend with a Cap who is engaged. We have known each other for a few years, and ever since i broke up with my ex boyfriend this cap has been stepping up and being by my side, taking care of me, helping me out with the everyday things. He is always making sure that i am out of harm's way, always making sure that i am ok and are safe. Whenever we are alone, he is extremely affectionate. Brushing the hair out of my face, massaging my feet after a hard day of work, putting his sweater on me when it is cold out. He is treating me like a boyfriend with a friend title. We see each other almost everyday, and he text me everyday with the good mornings and good nights and the everyday things that goes on in his daily activities. I see him as a friend, keeping my boundary and not letting myself think there are more to it. But his actions is telling my gut otherwise. Every so often, he would tell me he is not happy with his fiance, the problems that they have, and that he believes it is not going to work out. I would often listen and encourage him to give it time and talk it through with her. He also has a habit of not practicing what he preaches.
As of right now, i am ready to go out and start to see other men and date again. But, this Cap is holding me back with my gut feelings. Any advices and thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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He is emotionally cheating on his finance with you. Doesn't matter so much about his sign probably
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Yeah, no wonder he is having trouble with the fiance. She is probably wonder where the fuck is he spending his free time. I mean it takes more than a little while see someone almost everyday, text daily, be by someone's side, keep them out of harm's way, spending time outdoors and sharing his sweater, giving foot massages, etc. Well hell no its not gonna work out,he's not putting anything in it, and the finance can tell
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Capricorns go were they are admired and appreciated. Something that his fiancee properly doesn't do for him. This is normal Cap behavior. This is why everyone says that Caps are loyal friends! The only way to find out is to ask him.....
Posted by LIBRA1234

A "friend" does not massage other friend's feet for nothing LOL


"I would rub your feet LIBRA1234 and not expect anything in return as long as you appreciated it and I believed you deserved it...
Also if you liked it and wanted more, I would do more as long as you agreed...
Now heres the catch, once you demand or you expect it, I will NEVER do it again...
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Posted by SureShotCap
Capricorns go were they are admired and appreciated. Something that his fiancee properly doesn't do for him. This is normal Cap behavior. This is why everyone says that Caps are loyal friends! The only way to find out is to ask him.....
Posted by LIBRA1234

A "friend" does not massage other friend's feet for nothing LOL


"I would rub your feet LIBRA1234 and not expect anything in return as long as you appreciated it and I believed you deserved it...
Also if you liked it and wanted more, I would do more as long as you agreed...
Now heres the catch, once you demand or you expect it, I will NEVER do it again...
click to expand


Well maybe they are loyal friends, but if you're saying that is typical cap male behavior, they don't seem to be very loyal fiancees.
I wonder if the cap kept his fiancee out of harm's way, spent time with her and texted her daily, gave her foot rubs, brushed the hair out of her face, gave her his sweater when its cold outside, and all the good shit he is doing for his "friend" would the financee be such a bitch?
Also, I wonder if he has ever expressed what his needs were, the source of his dissatisfaction and what not? Most women feel the disconnect happening. Most start asking what's wrong. Most get frantic eventually and want to fix things. And a LOT of men will act all stoic, give the brush off, and keep doing what they were doing. So she gets frustrated. Feels toyed with. Wants to figure it out, it starts arguments because the man doesn't want to, then she gets labeled a nagging bitch. Been through it when men decide to cheat. They get an attitude with the wife or gf, or financee in this case, who then becomes 'the old lady' kind of deal, and do not seem want to do jack shit to work it out
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It is funny to hear this problem because most post are asking the opposite of what you are writing. Usually the Cap runs away or disappears in every story. Now that the Cap is persistent, he is the bad guy because he is not happy with his current relationship an is waiting for acceptance from you. Most women would die for this opportunity and your about to throw it away! More power to you.
This has happened to me and if I showed this much interest and you denied the opportunity, my pride would never let me give you the same chance again. Think about what you really want to do!!!
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It could be the chase thing? Some people (regardless of gender/sign) really love to give chase. Catch and release type thing.
So maybe he is not happy with the financee and has realized she is all wrong for him. He should let her go. Regardless of his friend's acceptance.
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Those aren't true catch and release types, but are more sinster. They go fishing and put their catches on stringersinstead of releasing them. Much more harmful to the fish (and I don't mean pisces by that analogy but just like the adage 'there are plenty of fish in the sea')
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Posted by 88

well, you sure sound like a good, & wonderful cap SUREShot. but a very difficult one as well.

*runs for the hills* lol


I trust people, and want the trust back. I have no insecurities or guilty conscience. I know what is right and proper. Plus I am single. If I were committed, I would NEVER disrespect my significant other...
Posted by AreTwoFour

So maybe he is not happy with the financee and has realized she is all wrong for him. He should let her go. Regardless of his friend's acceptance.


+1000
Posted by 88

Yeah this cap is doing too much for this lady and the fiance is bitchhnnn somewhere probably.. He is most likely not texting her back, not calling her, & playing hot & cold while he keeps the other woman's feet nice and warm. wtf!!!!!

click to expand


I am not justifying his actions. Just giving you an incite on his brain is turning.
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Since my scorp bits tend to put a negative spin on things, he sounds like the sinister type of fisherman that likes to collect his catches on strings.
But maybe not, and he just can't stand the emotional confrontation it would take to break up with his finance and is neglecting her so she will do it for him. Then he can be free to start a relationship with his friend.
Or maybe he is waiting for the friend/op to give him the green light or acceptance before he breaks up with the finance. Which is butterty of him.
But back to the op. Your cap friend's ACTIONS are crossing some huge boundaries of a platonic friendship, especially in light of being engaged, despite his WORDS.
You will need to use some words/actions to resolve this dilemma. Ask him where is this going? Tell him he is acting like a romantic suitor rather than a friend. Tell him that is holding you up, but if he wants you, then he needs take action and break up with the finance
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Why is the Op letting him get that far in the first place??? She has feelings for him as well. He is wrong in keeping his fiancee as the spare tire. But men are genetically programmed to believe they are not attractive if they do not have a girlfriend or significant other. The real reason is that their confidence is boosted with someone opposed to being single. Also a male believes that if a women has no competition, he will be alone because no women wants a looser...
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Hmmm... Thanks for you honesty, but gee, that sucks. I do not like competition! It just makes me insecure as hell, and it certainly wouldn't bring out my best behavior. I would feel played with. Hurt and angry. I would think he was a philanderer and a loser. I'd leave him alone for it
I do not try to make my SO jealous or insecure. I try to make him feel like he has my complete devotion unless he is doing the above.
But yeah, the op has let things go too far, for sure
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Basically, this is how the affairs start.
I always say Caps have a lot of stored energy. The OP brings out his affectionate side...it could be something about her/him(i was a bit confused at one part) that makes him want to take care of her. Maybe his fiance brings the mental or responsible side out of him. Idk, but "something" is there with his fiance since he's marrying her....he's just not fulfilled.
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Oh baby, you like him or else he wouldn't be spending that much time with you. He knows that. He's going in for the kill. He just needs to figure out what he is going to do with his fianc?e but not until he is completely sure that he's got you adoring and worshipping him. Did you break up with your bf because of him?
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Posted by lnana04
Basically, this is how the affairs start.
I always say Caps have a lot of stored energy. The OP brings out his affectionate side...it could be something about her/him(i was a bit confused at one part) that makes him want to take care of her. Maybe his fiance brings the mental or responsible side out of him. Idk, but "something" is there with his fiance since he's marrying her....he's just not fulfilled.



OR like Inana says, he is thinking that an affair could also work!
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Posted by lnana04
Basically, this is how the affairs start.
I always say Caps have a lot of stored energy. The OP brings out his affectionate side...it could be something about her/him(i was a bit confused at one part) that makes him want to take care of her. Maybe his fiance brings the mental or responsible side out of him. Idk, but "something" is there with his fiance since he's marrying her....he's just not fulfilled.


Maybe the finance has a huge trust fund?
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Posted by AreTwoFour
Posted by lnana04
Basically, this is how the affairs start.
I always say Caps have a lot of stored energy. The OP brings out his affectionate side...it could be something about her/him(i was a bit confused at one part) that makes him want to take care of her. Maybe his fiance brings the mental or responsible side out of him. Idk, but "something" is there with his fiance since he's marrying her....he's just not fulfilled.


Maybe the finance has a huge trust fund?
click to expand


LoL, maybe. I find Cap males love women that are good with money, smart, and extremely responsible. Like my Cap friend married an Aries with two kids already, but she had a good savings, is great with her kids, and now she's in school to be a doctor. He's still an @ss, but she is everything he wants on paper lol. I dont think he can unleash his more affectionate or sexual side on her, but she covers all the necesseities for him. Caps are big on necessities.
He'll go get his desires/wants with someone else...so will she lol, but they'll both know and clearly understand where home is and what is top priority.
Probably sounds crazy lol.
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Run! If he breaks up with her and gets with you, then who's to say he's not going to be doing this to someone else behind your back.
Honestly, I would put some distance and give him a chance to work things out with his fiance. Tell him point blank honestly what you are doing. If it doesn't work out between them, then he could be yours if you still want him.
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Posted by AreTwoFour
Posted by lnana04
Basically, this is how the affairs start.
I always say Caps have a lot of stored energy. The OP brings out his affectionate side...it could be something about her/him(i was a bit confused at one part) that makes him want to take care of her. Maybe his fiance brings the mental or responsible side out of him. Idk, but "something" is there with his fiance since he's marrying her....he's just not fulfilled.


Maybe the finance has a huge trust fund?
click to expand


Lol!!! Good point! Tongue
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Thank you everyone on your thoughts and inputs.

Since everyone is wondering about his fiance, i am going to give a little bit more background information.
We are all friends from school. She's a Libra, i am a Virgo. He has been engaged with her for five years, been together on and off for twice that amount of time. We are all approaching our thiries. She is currently still schooling abroad and pursuing her careers. He tells me that she's chasing dreams and he's ready to settle down but she's not. So he's been waiting on her. He wants kids and she doesnt. He tells me that she's materialistic, she likes the extravagant things in life and she doesnt show appreciation in the things he does. He misses being in charge, because she's always getting things her way. I dont know how much of this is true, but i do know that even though he dislike her love for monetary gifts, he still splurge largely on her on birthday gifts.

I know other people compain that Cap do not show enough affection and tends to disappear alot. But being a Virgo myself i like to lay issues on the table and come clean when there are things that bothers me . If it was coming from a single man i would die with such affection. But, since this is a different type of territory, i want to know why this is the way it is, and i dont trust his words because they are never in synch with his actions, which is why i am here seeking advices from everyone and the other fellow capies. Asking him is not an option for me, as i am afraid to open up a can of worm when it needs not to be. Should i just leave things the way they are and see where it goes from here?

truecap:everytime i put distance and disappear out on him, he would text me, drive by my house, and asking why i am ignoring him. He would get mad and i would ignore him and he would come and hug me like we never had an argument.
aquapiscescusp: no, i broke up with my boyfriend because of other issues that we had.
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IMPORTANT QUESTION AHEAScared

what do you want from this man? what are your feelings?
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Posted by coolcappy
that explains why you and him get on so well! you guys would make a better couple for sure but if he's too attached to his other than leave him to it.
I would question why he's so mad when you ignore him though...
doesn't he realize things will change when he gets married and you'll be in a relationship as well? As I doubt you two can carry on being friends when you're not just the two of you anymore...



Yes! They would make the better couple. His affection is with her. This is similar to what just happened to my Virgo sis with a Taurus. I was teary eyed at her story on her saying good-bye to him because his decision on being with the other is based on things that are not tied to his heart.
Same with this Cap guy. His heart is more with you. His ideal/fantasy life is with the Libra. She appears to keep him on his toes and caters to his need to feel maybe accomplished by snagging or being with an ambitious/materialistic/high maintenance woman. None of this appears to have anything to do with his heart which is unfortunate.
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aquapiscescusp: i do have feelings for him. But i will not act on such feelings as i do not respect to build something from the broken down foundation of something else, in this case would be his other woman. I haven't shown or act on my behalf in letting him know how i feel. I believe if this is something he wants, he would have to make his choice and choose one of us and make his decision more clearly.

88: He is still texting and talking to his fiance daily as he is doing with me. He is not neglecting her. Whenever i know he should be spending time with her, i leave him be and ignore him, and that is when he comes to me and asking why i am ignoring him.

coolcappy: recently, i told him that i am thinking of dating again. He was extremely against the whole idea and got upset with me. Everytime we go out for lunch, he gets mad when other man are looking at me. I do agree with you that the friendship will change once i start to see other man, and i do cherish him alot as a friend.
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88: I agree with everything you've said - point 1, 2 and 3. I am not giving in and i made it very clear to him in the beginning of our friendship that i do not sleep around with man that are taken. He knows i am the traditional type. Lately, he's been taking my advice and try to fix some of the issues with his fiance, while remain doing what he is doing with me. He told me he avoids talking about problems because they often lead to arguments with her.
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Posted by miavam
aquapiscescusp: i do have feelings for him. But i will not act on such feelings as i do not respect to build something from the broken down foundation of something else, in this case would be his other woman. I haven't shown or act on my behalf in letting him know how i feel. I believe if this is something he wants, he would have to make his choice and choose one of us and make his decision more clearly.

88: He is still texting and talking to his fiance daily as he is doing with me. He is not neglecting her. Whenever i know he should be spending time with her, i leave him be and ignore him, and that is when he comes to me and asking why i am ignoring him.

coolcappy: recently, i told him that i am thinking of dating again. He was extremely against the whole idea and got upset with me. Everytime we go out for lunch, he gets mad when other man are looking at me. I do agree with you that the friendship will change once i start to see other man, and i do cherish him alot as a friend.


I know you would rather that I refrain from commenting because I said many negative thing about your friend. HOWEVER...
You need to get a little resentment though. He wants to keep both of you on a string. His finance, so he can fulfill his ambitious drives, and you for his emotional outlet. That is a win/win for him and a lose/lose for you and the finance. He doesn't want to give ALL of himself to either of you, but he wants you to put your life on hold so you can't find someone that will give you 100% . Now if you want to accept scraps, thats fine. But what he is doing is just c__o ck blocking with finesse.
He is being like somebody hogging the bathroom when you feel like taking a shower. Sitting in there dawdling around, digging in you medicine cabinet. He needs to S_hit or get off your pot. Because you will never be able to take that shower and go on about your life while he is just holed up in there
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Posted by 88
@ OP
I greed with what was said in another thread of the word *too nice*.
If we are too nice we get taken advantage of, it may make us seem weak, or if we are *too nice* is because we want something from someone.
In this case your friend is being *too nice* with you because it is clearly he wants something from you. the moment you give in, he may go back running to his Fiancee and marry her leaving you saying WTF!!!.
If I was you, I would tell him you can't see him anymore because he is taken, He needs to go fix whatever issues he has with his lady because that is the right thing to do.
1) He maybe using you as a backup (replacement) if things go wrong with his Fiancee.
2) He may want something from you, and when you give in. *** ADIOS, sorry about the confusion and leading you on, I am getting married and you knew about it.**
3) It could be true that he may be missing things with her, that he finds in you and that is why he likes you. But the way he is handling things is Bullshhhht.
I don't think you want a *WIMP* of a man to be bitching about his problems to you, instead of fixing the issues with the woman he is in a relationship with.
It is up to you if you want to be used, but I do not find men who have girlfriends and hitting on me attractive at all. I get pissed off because that is very disrespectful.



+1
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Posted by miavam
88: I agree with everything you've said - point 1, 2 and 3. I am not giving in and i made it very clear to him in the beginning of our friendship that i do not sleep around with man that are taken. He knows i am the traditional type. Lately, he's been taking my advice and try to fix some of the issues with his fiance, while remain doing what he is doing with me. He told me he avoids talking about problems because they often lead to arguments with her.


He needs to grow a pair, have the arguments, try to find a resolution, or let her go. I would bet my life's fortune (if I had one) that the vast majority of the arguments stem from his absences. Because he seems to be spending a LOT of time with you. And if he doesn't want to give you up, of course he doesn't want to hear it from her. Because he has no intention of fixing the problem.
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"You people forget Caps are the get down to Business people of the zodiac in everything we do. We can adapt to any situation or problem at hand. We think about every possible outcome of any and every interaction possible... But we are fair and go as far as you allow us too...
@OP
You must always treat anything like a business transaction with a Cap. Put everything down on the table and give them a choice. Black or White, no in between... He will respect that and take action from there...
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Yes, what was it, oh yeah, the capricorn mantra *I use*.... Fortunately, many caps rise above this tendency and see that other people have feelings and evolve for the better. The one the op is talking about probably hasn't, and has no need to as long as he can keep this set up going.
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R24: I agree with your bathroom comment. Quite a dark humor but that is exactly how i feel oftentime. I came for honest opinions from everyone because i felt like i was stuck in a rut, so i appreciate all feedback with the goods and bads from everyone,yours included.
I guess Virgo tends to overanalyze things, and even with my gut feelings, i was hoping the feedback would tell me that this is just the normal Cap way of being fatherly and taking care of their friends. I know Cap are extremely faithful, or so i heard. So to hear that there might be more in his intention and confirming my thoughts, it is a little shock for me to digest. But, i am taking in everyone's input and are thinking of the best action to take from here.

SureShotCap: Will do. I just need to figure out how and when to have this talk with him.
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miavam, I know you want to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, and it may have started out innocently enough, then he became attracted to you, but what you are describing is clearly beyond friendship. Who knows if he may have always had a secret attraction to you but you were with someone else, and just when you are single again, he is engaged. Maybe that makes him feel torn. But he has no right to stop you from getting on with your life if he is not going to break up with his finance and pursue you. Its not fair to you or his finance. But its great for him. So while all the nice things he is doing seem so generous, he is really being selfish.
Some caps are faithful. Some are womanizers. I've seen both kinds IRL.
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R24: I agree. After much input from everyone I think i know what i need to do from here. Will take action and update everyone on the outcome.
Thank you so much.
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