Dating / Marriage, to what?

I've been dating a Cap. man exclusively for a little over a year now. I'm 40 - divorced with 2 minor kids. My boyfriend is 54 and his kids are in their 20's. He too is divorced and his marriage and divorce were horrible. He recently told me that after great consideration he doesn't think he can be everything I need him to be because he doesn't want to raise kids into his 60's. Followed with he still wants to keep dating until we both decide we are ready to see other people. Ummm...... this all seems weird to me, yet very logical to him. I thought we were headed toward marriage because HE brought it up and talked about the future. Him wanting to still date seems like a cop out to me. I'm a Cancer so you already know I'm a tad bit emotional lol. We get along very well and have a great relationship, although I do believe he makes a lot of his romantic decisions out of fear based on his previous marriage and divorce. He helps me with my kids now and many of my house responsibilities in terms of repairs etc... We have been friends for about 10 years prior to dating. I'm a little hurt at how quick he can turn his emotions on/ off and I haven't decided what I want to do. I know that he loves me but apparently not enough for a long term commitment. So like in a few months or a year he's going to decide he's ready to date someone else and just say oh by the way....... Any advice?

I should add - he wants to get married @ some point just not to me.

Dating is about intention...what is your intention? What is his intention?

Posted by Cc711
I should add - he wants to get married @ some point just not to me.

He is checked out of this emotionally I'm afraid ... At least he told you now so you can cut him loose and find someone more compatible with your wants and needs.

I only want to be in a committed exclusive relationship. I don't have to be married. He wants to be married at some point but to some one who doesn't have small kids.

Your kids are minors, he doesn't want to get stuck with child support for kids that aren't his if the marriage doesn't work out. It happens, and he's probably well aware of that.

I agree, you should walk away if you want marriage at some point and he doesn't.

Posted by Moonbutter

Posted by Cc711
I should add - he wants to get married @ some point just not to me.

He is checked out of this emotionally I'm afraid ... At least he told you now so you can cut him loose and find someone more compatible with your wants and needs.

click to expand

But he wants to continue dating me. He calls me every day and when I initially said I was going to walk away it was an issue for him.

Seems really selfish I guess.

Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too, at least until he finds someone "new."

Screw that. You and your kids deserve better than someone who is so selfish/narrow. Someone will love you for the total package you bring to the table... They won't just talk about the future; they will make it happen.

Posted by Cc711

Posted by Moonbutter

Posted by Cc711
I should add - he wants to get married @ some point just not to me.

He is checked out of this emotionally I'm afraid ... At least he told you now so you can cut him loose and find someone more compatible with your wants and needs.

But he wants to continue dating me. He calls me every day and when I initially said I was going to walk away it was an issue for him.

click to expand

It's just for booty and companionship.

Do what's best for you and not him.

Posted by Greentea

Posted by Cc711

Posted by Moonbutter

Posted by Cc711
I should add - he wants to get married @ some point just not to me.

He is checked out of this emotionally I'm afraid ... At least he told you now so you can cut him loose and find someone more compatible with your wants and needs.

But he wants to continue dating me. He calls me every day and when I initially said I was going to walk away it was an issue for him.

It's just for booty and companionship.

Do what's best for you and not him.

click to expand

That I agree with. I don't necessarily have to be married. I was perfectly fine going the way things were. He came up with giving himself a deadline of making a decision on what he could commit to even though he "made" these plans. I was fine with the companionship and that's still an option. He wants to be in our life some how. Whichever way I see fit. So I guess in writing this, the decision really is on me.

Posted by 000sillylion000
Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too, at least until he finds someone "new."

Screw that. You and your kids deserve better than someone who is so selfish/narrow. Someone will love you for the total package you bring to the table... They won't just talk about the future; they will make it happen.

Thank you!

I hear it - I guess the confusion in my head is his actions. He's still involved with the kids, cutting my grass as we speak and we have plans this weekend. It's a little weird for me because at some point, in his mind (I guess) he knows when he will begin to see other people. Again, seems weird. But maybe it's just me.

Posted by Cc711
I've been dating a Cap. man exclusively for a little over a year now. I'm 40 - divorced with 2 minor kids. My boyfriend is 54 and his kids are in their 20's. He too is divorced and his marriage and divorce were horrible. He recently told me that after great consideration he doesn't think he can be everything I need him to be because he doesn't want to raise kids into his 60's. Followed with he still wants to keep dating until we both decide we are ready to see other people. Ummm...... this all seems weird to me, yet very logical to him. I thought we were headed toward marriage because HE brought it up and talked about the future. Him wanting to still date seems like a cop out to me. I'm a Cancer so you already know I'm a tad bit emotional lol. We get along very well and have a great relationship, although I do believe he makes a lot of his romantic decisions out of fear based on his previous marriage and divorce. He helps me with my kids now and many of my house responsibilities in terms of repairs etc... We have been friends for about 10 years prior to dating. I'm a little hurt at how quick he can turn his emotions on/ off and I haven't decided what I want to do. I know that he loves me but apparently not enough for a long term commitment. So like in a few months or a year he's going to decide he's ready to date someone else and just say oh by the way....... Any advice?

He was honest with you. He likes you, but he has considered his life choices and has decided he doesn't want to raise kids. He's ready to move on with his life, live for himself and his own happiness. He had so many years of being unhappy, he just wants to live life to it's fullest and he can't do that with kids. He's ready for retirement from parenting, less pressure, less drama (yes, kids have their dramas), less responsibility, and getting to go and do what he wants when he wants it. We really can't blame him can we?

It's not personal, though I know it will be hard not to take it that way.

I understand his thinking, because I'm 48 and my kids are grown. Aqua's kid is just now grown. We are both ready for them to be grown up and live on their own so we can live our own lives without having to worry about them.

And, frankly, I don't think I'd date a man who had custody of young children. I've done duty in parenting and I'm ready to live the child free life.

Please don't let it hurt you. Be happy that he's honest and truthful with you.

How long before your kids graduate? Who knows what might work out in the future if you remain friendly.

Posted by Greentea
Your kids are minors, he doesn't want to get stuck with child support for kids that aren't his if the marriage doesn't work out. It happens, and he's probably well aware of that.

I agree, you should walk away if you want marriage at some point and he doesn't.

That would only happen if he adopted them. Otherwise, he wouldn't be responsible for child support.

Posted by Cc711

Posted by Moonbutter

Posted by Cc711
I should add - he wants to get married @ some point just not to me.

He is checked out of this emotionally I'm afraid ... At least he told you now so you can cut him loose and find someone more compatible with your wants and needs.

But he wants to continue dating me. He calls me every day and when I initially said I was going to walk away it was an issue for him.

click to expand

Then walk away. Let him miss you and see if he changes his mind.

Posted by truecap

Posted by Greentea
Your kids are minors, he doesn't want to get stuck with child support for kids that aren't his if the marriage doesn't work out. It happens, and he's probably well aware of that.

I agree, you should walk away if you want marriage at some point and he doesn't.

That would only happen if he adopted them. Otherwise, he wouldn't be responsible for child support.

click to expand

I've seen it happen. They weren't even married, common law though, been together and helped raise the kids, they separated and he had to pay her child support.

Posted by Greentea

Posted by truecap

Posted by Greentea
Your kids are minors, he doesn't want to get stuck with child support for kids that aren't his if the marriage doesn't work out. It happens, and he's probably well aware of that.

I agree, you should walk away if you want marriage at some point and he doesn't.

That would only happen if he adopted them. Otherwise, he wouldn't be responsible for child support.

I've seen it happen. They weren't even married, common law though, been together and helped raise the kids, they separated and he had to pay her child support.

click to expand

That doesn't seem fair. It's normally the biological or adoptive father that is responsible for supporting the kids.
Unless he agreed to it out of guilt. He must have offered it.

But I'm in Texas and it might be different in another state.

I am quite positive this cap has thought this over for a while. He probably weighed the pros and cons and decided he didn't want to help raise children.
I'm sure he didn't come to this decision lightly.

Posted by Cc711
I should add - he wants to get married @ some point just not to me.

That says it all then.

If marriage is important to you than he can't give you what you want. Move onto someone who can. Don't waste any more of what little time you have left on a pipe dream.

Posted by Cc711
I've been dating a Cap. man exclusively for a little over a year now. I'm 40 - divorced with 2 minor kids. My boyfriend is 54 and his kids are in their 20's. He too is divorced and his marriage and divorce were horrible. He recently told me that after great consideration he doesn't think he can be everything I need him to be because he doesn't want to raise kids into his 60's. Followed with he still wants to keep dating until we both decide we are ready to see other people. Ummm...... this all seems weird to me, yet very logical to him. I thought we were headed toward marriage because HE brought it up and talked about the future. Him wanting to still date seems like a cop out to me. I'm a Cancer so you already know I'm a tad bit emotional lol. We get along very well and have a great relationship, although I do believe he makes a lot of his romantic decisions out of fear based on his previous marriage and divorce. He helps me with my kids now and many of my house responsibilities in terms of repairs etc... We have been friends for about 10 years prior to dating. I'm a little hurt at how quick he can turn his emotions on/ off and I haven't decided what I want to do. I know that he loves me but apparently not enough for a long term commitment. So like in a few months or a year he's going to decide he's ready to date someone else and just say oh by the way....... Any advice?

In his mind, he's told you so he's probably on the lookout for someone "better", or suitable if you will. I would move on asap too unless you are ok with just dating and no marriage.

If so, I'd make it clear to him that you don't expect marriage on paper.

Posted by Cc711
I only want to be in a committed exclusive relationship. I don't have to be married. He wants to be married at some point but to some one who doesn't have small kids.

This something to consider though. I don't have kids but makes me think what I would in this situation. Well I would grant those wishes and keep doing what you have been. Living life with the kiddos and doing what you have to and not letting a man create drama or stress because it's not healthy for you.