ex cappies

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by missmorals on Saturday, February 25, 2006 and has 39 replies.
I read so many messages on here and it appears there are a lot of ladies who go back to their ex cappies...why? Once you've split up with them its final right? why do u keep going back to them? was there no closure? are they like leeches as in they don't let go? have some self-respect..don't let them play u guys..
What are the reasons for going back to them..for me a split is final..
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Maybe you're right branh, and there were times where I kept going back to my cap man when he wanted me back, and that was because I was infatuated with him. But after I see the whole not calling, controlling, part of him, all that was gone. This split with him is final and he knows it is because he hasn't tried to call or bring it up any more. I simply say there is no need for us to speak on our relationsip that we never really enjoyed.
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Missmorals-- you sure do fit your name. Maybe, as to your question, it's because it never was a relationship or a true break-up/split to begin with, so yes- no closure- and you think every time that they're coming back around bc. they now want something serious or to take things somewhere. After so many times, you finally start to realize that it's the same old thing and nothing's changed. It's called commitment-phobic men and not really anything to do w/ Capricorn men, IMO. There's books and books that describe the behavior pattern- the guy can't commit to saying "yes" and being in a relationship but yet he can't commit to "no" either and to leaving you the he!! alone. That's what makes these "Capricorn" (commitmentphobic) men very odd... there's no clean break and never hearing from them again; they're hangers-on and will reappear when you've just about gotten them out of your system.
If you weren't falliing into the same type trap, you'd kick yours to the curb too, with the indicator/red flag you're seeing already that he could be verbally abusive.
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Bran, you sure as hell do have an issue with most things don't u..why so bitter? U do have some valid points, games can be played up to a point and then the guy will get bored and think what the hell lets move on..My cappy is not my cappy yet and I am living my life thanks..I don't tolerate being spoken to the way he did speak to me..I am sure he did it cos he felt threatened..people usually shout verbal abuse in retaliation. Until he realises his mistake he can take a running jump from Everest!..I couldn't give a monkeys, its not like I am short of offers..but I don't just go after anyone, I can be very patient when looking for my new partner..I am not playing hard to get..we've known each other 5 months now. I am not in competition with him at all. He's never declared his undying love or anything..as far as I am concerned we are just friends and friends shouldn't have a problem with talking to each other and the pride issue shouldn't arise..His pride and male ego is whats keeping him from phoning me..he's used to getting his own way but he won't get that with me..He has a very manipulative way of controlling i.e. becoming a baby and pretending to be gullible and naive..makes me sick actually cos i can see right through it..whereas most of his female friends feel really guilty and go running back to him..I have some self-respect. If and when we meet and he says or my intuition tells me that its more than a friendship then I will quite freely be open with him..I have nothing to hide, I am not scared of showing my emotions..I wear my heart on my sleeve..I believe in giving everyone benefit of doubt..but the thing with me is, I can move on every quickly from any situation..as though it never happened..I either cut them off completely, or if they are worthy of a friendship then yes by all means let them stick around..And yes I do live by my name..Miss Morals..Peace out!..
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Capgirl, some valid points there..I am not falling into the trap. I have made it perfectly clear to him that I intend to get married by next or year after (obviously depending on finding someone) whether he gets a move on or not..I don't have years to kill..He may have..He's just very very cautious..I want an ickle baby running around at 31!..yes he is a great guy despite his sensitivity..sometimes I don't even realise that my sarcastic remarks are actually hurting him..cos they aren't meant maliciously..but he takes offence very easily which I think is a bit childish but hey ho..he's a great guy..but I am also a girl who knows her mind and what she wants..maybe he's not used to that..he may have all the theoretical knowledge about everything but I have life experience..something he lacks..I have this mottoe in life..Dust yourself off and try again..and it works..I don't have any hang ups..I never contact any ex..as far as I am concerned they are an ex for a reason..but everyones different, thats what makes us unique!..lol
Branh, I am not trying to train him..but he has to realise, his way isn't the only way..people have different ways of dealing with things..he may not agree with that way but that doesn't make the other person wrong..and if he moves on because of that..then frankly, he hasn't learnt a thing..and I thought they were quick learners!
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Bravo Branh..your the perfect example of an obnoxious idiotic man!...msmoron, missmorals, missuniverse..yep call me all names under the sun, nothing fazes me..I believe what I believe and nobody can take that away from me...I couldn't give a monkeys if the guy walks away, no great loss..plenty more red herrings in the sea!..Did I even once make any derogatory remarks towards you?..or can you just not handle a strong woman..No I don't do porno..but I am sure the guys won't be disappointed..hehehe..I don't believe in throwing your body around like waste..hence the name..sure you don't want to get in my pants?..hahah
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branh0913
don't you respect women or yourself? I find sending love into the world feels a lot better than hate.
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Hi Branh0913,
I noticed your comment in the other post about knowing that you will have the cappy woman in bed in two weeks even though your experiences have never gotten past the sex, somehow that doesn't ring true with a nice guy. It actually sounds shallow and self-absorbed. I hope she sees that before she gets hurt. I know she is responsible for herself, but you might try to restrain yourself until you know that what you are interested in is long term. Just a suggestion in case you want an outside opinion.
wl
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Branh, I'm sure you can be a very nice guy and see yourself as having an edge, but you sound bitter and hurtful.
P.S. In case you decide to lash out at me for trying to share the way you come across may be different than the way you see yourself, I'll save you the effort, I know I sound weak and pathetic in my other posts, that's because I was just that. I own it and deal with it, I have taken the time to get back on my feet and get my bearings. The cappy that hurt me didn't mean to hurt me, but he did. He's a nice guy and I respect him, I just don't know if I can keep my heart open to someone that isn't ready to give me love in return. I think it's his loss, and perhaps you would think so what, he'll find 10 others to take to bed, well I do think he could have found heaven in my heart and he might have just passed it by. I haven't completely given up, not in him or in you. If you can reflect on this and not react in a mean way, that is what a nice guy would do.
Love, wl

wl
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Wow, I am seeing a totally different side to you Branh..knew you had it in you..lol..It makes perfect sense what you said..you have to be broken, in order to be stronger..couldn't have put it in better words myself..
My cap and I are communicating again..and it was right what you said.if I hadn't talked to him, I wouldn't have known that we were annoyed at each other for totally different reasons..anyhows..he told me something I didn't want to hear (another woman) but its all over with her, has been for a while..3 months..he was just detaching himself completly from her, i.e. getting rid of her emails etc..and the only thing I can do now is be a friend to him, which i am doing..He doesn't trust easily and I guess I felt good, that he valued my opinion enough to ask for it..I did say to him the following morning that it was wrong of him to flirt with me whilst emotionally attached to her because I certainly wouldn't like my man talking in that manner to any other chick whilst being emotionally involved with me..he didn't like it much and said "your basing it on what i've just told you about that other chick although i told you that we'd been emotionally detached for the last 3 months..so your asking me to change the way i speak to u based on that"..I guess he's right but the point I was trying to get across (quite badly) was that he shouldn't flirt with me, if theres no intention to date..
Oh well, we will see what happens now..
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Hi,
I am new and I've never posted before, but I have enjoyed the posts and felt great kinship. I just had the similar "is it over or not" experience with my first (and last ever) cap guy. It may be a tad long, but may I share my story so someone can slap some sense into me?

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Anyone but a cap! Never again.
I met him in January. So far he disappeared for two weeks then came back saying "no way he's not trying to disappear, *insert excuse*" and now he's disappeared again. Ok he's moving out of state in a month ? well it?s now two weeks it was a month at the last reappearance when he said he was even busier than usual due to stuff related to the move (I don't want to specifiy in the incredible chance he ever comes across this) but we could continue to see each other on "our night". That was more than two weeks ago - I left him two messages, nothing, so I thought that was his way of ending things. I left him a message asking if it was his way of ending it and that I just wanted to make sure because it would help me move on. Nothing!
If he were that into me there might have been a chance of it continuing long distance (2 and 1/2 hour flight) but now I am pretty sure he isn't that into me - with his disappearances I can?t call it a relationship. He has claimed that he would be back from doing whatever he's moving there to do (can't specify for reason above) in six months to a year, of course I don't believe anything till I see it with this guy. I am that into him - amazing, first time ever type connection. On our first date I told him my head was spinning, he said his was too ? we were still sober (now I suspect he was saying that just to get in my pants), he practically reads my mind, he's hot and great in bed. That and the first time I met him, he asked me out while another man was chatting me up - he kinda leaned over the guy. I closed my mouth and gave him my number. After a while the other guy left in a huff and cap came up behind me and put his arms around me ? yeah, I call them ?panty-dropping b*lls? ? I didn?t go home with him that night but enjoyed his efforts to persuade me.
I am shocked at how much slack I've cut this guy, I had no idea I could be this patient even my friends are shocked. The scary part is that so far I am not even able to stay angry with him, once in the early days he forgot a date and I got angry and called him, he says "Sorry I am just so tired, is it our night?" and I think poor baby he sounds really tired, and wow I hadn't noticed how his voice has this kind of soothing quality and I stopped being angry - so he pretty much gets away with everything. Any other guy I would have knocked out on his ear in no time. I've felt disappointed, and I got over that and now I am just surprised and wondering what will happen next if anything. And why would anyone act like he does?
The only problem is that now I am trying to meet new people so that I can get him out of my mind and my life. I know with the smart part of my brain that it?s over, but the other 99% is thinking maybe it?s not over. I accepted a date with someone new last week ? since I *know* it?s over with cap, but things kept slipping out about cap and the new guy asked why we broke up ? obviously new guy never called again ? and I was relieved he didn?t call!
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Capchic* ~ yes, do tell please. And are you a Cap. as well?
Girls, I just met myself ANOTHER one! Been chatting/emailing through match.com and I'd asked him his sign bc. he doesn't disclose it on his profile, and he finally tells me, "I'm a Capricorn of course. I can't believe you couldn't tell already!" Oh, geez... And am I running or cutting him off? No, of course, now I'm more intrigued and determined to nail one of these suckers!! LOL Oh, and MyCap and T36 will loooove this... He's a cop!!!!! MyCap, you don't live in the midwest hoosier state, do you??
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Yes Capgirl, I am a Cap, but I have had therapy for it Winking.
I can't believe you are not running away from that Cap.
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Capchic~ I just read your post, which appeared after posting mine above. Wow-- You must tell me though too, are you a Cap.??
I like that "panty-dropping..." lol what is the other word supposed to be? I think you probably should put him out of your mind, at least for this next 6-12 months while he's away. I can't imagine these guys keeping up a long-distance relationship; they can barely sustain something when they're just around the corner! Find yourself another/new Cap.!? I'm thinking that might be the answer for me... This new one's peaked my interested and "titillated" me already, just flirting in email w/ me! So, you haven't known him long then... That thing about calling it "our night" makes it sound like he has other women and designates nights to each one! I too have trouble believing their excuses about work-busy as to disappearing for 2 weeks+ I know men can be workaholics but come on!
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Cool, glad to hear you're a Cap too! I had amazing chemistry with mine... so I know what you're saying about "head spinning". It's like we were on the same wave length on all levels. Total comfort, identifying w/ one another. But also, alot of power struggles, kind of competing and making each other jealous.
I know! I don't know what I'm doing dealing w/ this new one! He's the first guy who's got me truly interested since being on that site, and I've been contacted alot and emailed back w/ a few guys. He admitted to being intimidated by me from reading my profile and said he didn't want to get too excited but was interested. He's been pretty regular w/ daily emails which fits the cap. pattern. LOL ...then hell takes over!
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the other word is "balls" I didn't want to get too r-rated
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CapGirl, I'd say go with it, hey you can always replace this new one with another Cap if he doesn't work out. Try not to "engage" in the chess match though. When he makes a power move just note to self, amuse yourself with it and then distract him. You don't need to make a move back, what's the point? There's no trophy, soon you will have brain washed yourself into believing that powerplay is not as fun as we think it is. And what's the worst that could happen if you got hurt - you'll get over it and well, replace him with yet another cappy smile
I don't really get into power struggles or competing though - I am too lazy for that. I try not to make anyone jealous on purpose because I am the jealous one and I couldn't handle that tennis match. I have to admit that I enjoyed it when he acted a little jealous, he was very civil about it - like he'll give someone a look but I'll go on as though nothing happened but if it was something I was doing that elicited that then I would just stop doing it. Early on he did try something to make me jealous at a party so I responded by asking him if he wanted another drink, he said yes, I got up and went got us new drinks, came back and sat down next to him and things were smooth again - I think it helped that the jeans were very tight. I don't engage in the match, I just distract him.

I asked my ex (yay! I called him "ex") about the "our night" thing at the beginning - of course he denied other women - he drives hours to see his kid on weekends and then does stuff with business contacts/work people on the other nights - back when he used to call he'd call me while he was out on those work/business things. At his last reappearance two weeks ago he said I was the only woman he'd been with in more than six months - I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if I believed it or whether it even mattered at that point in the "relationship" given the disappearances.
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I like that-- "helped that the jeans were very tight"!!! LOL I like you, you sound very level-headed ; ) Well... You've left like 3 messages? Just sit tight and wait... He'll turn up, they always do. You might have read on these boards, that mine went MIA for basically 3 months, after I tried to corner him about a relationship. He didn't respond, and then I ran into him and he was all friendly and I was fuming mad. I didn't go off or tell him so but ignored him and wouldn't even look at him. Went another month w/o speaking and then he IMs me....
It helps to date others or be talking to others. Keeps you from obsessing and thinking that you're wasting time. I called him today (got the darn voicemail as usual) but I was in such a good mood from other stuff going on that I could just laugh and leave a silly message.
This new cap. wouldn't let me have the last word on emailing back and forth tonight. He kept shooting back another email, bc. I told him I had to have the last word always. I told him I already see the Cap=Cap dynamics at play! Yea, I don't get into making a guy jealous. I don't play those games. I do have "control" issues though and problems w/ being demanding. Like definitely want to be #1 and not competing w/ other women for his time/attention...

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Do they all caps do that disappearing thing? And not picking up the phone? Who is training these guys? Oh there is no danger of me dating another cap again!
I know I too can't stand it if a guy is dating other women and I want the guy to instantly abandon all others when he meets me - but then I think it's OK for me to date more than one guy if it's the early stages when I am getting to know them.
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Yea, that's what I worry about w/ this new Cap. He's just new to match.com also... and even if we hit it off, the likelihood of him wanting to cut short search his on there would not be good...
So, yours doesn't pick up his phone either? I always get that damm voicemail, and am so used to it, I have my message plotted out in advance in my head. I'd be shocked and stupified if he were to answer, and would feel tricked and betrayed by my friend the voicemail! LOL
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Ohmygod! Yes, he stopped picking up the phone. I always have my message ready in advance because I know I'll get voice mail. Now I am actually not sure he even listens to them, I suspect he deletes them before hearing the whole thing so I practise to keep it as short and concise as possible and I say what I want within the first sentence after the greeting. I even wrote it down once. hahahahahaha. These guys are being taught these behaviors by someone! crap! And you know I didn't really believe in those birth signs all that much, this is now scaring me.
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Oh, mine tried to claim that he doesn't always read his emails... this was in reference to the one I sent about wanting a potential relationship! And I don't email him often at all, so I know it was total BS. If he sees me in his in-box, it's a rarity and he's going to read it! Yea, it's best to keep it short and to the point, on any communication w/ them. But we're cap. women, so I think we do that anyway normally. I'm always controlled and keep it in check, no emotional displays or outbursts!
I just got the last word, with the new cap! haha-- Waited till he was signed offline, and then sent him an email, saying 'bye!' Little game we already have going!
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Actually capgirl I do live in the midwest hoosier state. Tell me more.
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oh my gosh! what city= indy?
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whew- i think we're okay... this guy is 33. i read back that yours was 31, back in your dec. posts... he's also 5'8" apparently... girl, if u r in indy, we should meet up!
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ok- just to be safe - his name is Brandon.... get back to me!!
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U really had my stomach turning for a while. I'm in Bloomington. I thought for a sec that it could be the same one. D@mn, I'm glad it's not! Ok now I can breathe! I'm back w/my cap somewhat so that's why I was like WTF. So u live in INdy?
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Whew- same here! And he was on vacation in Dec. to Bahamas and only on match.com 5 days or so now, so it was really lining up w/ your guy! Yep, I live dwtn. Indpls. Are u in school at IU?
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When u said that he had just joined, I was like holy sh!t. It did line up. That's crazy ur in INdy. I did go to IU but graduated in May 05.
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i know my name used to be unique too... i hope i'm not turned off by 5'8" - i'm used to 6' but im only 5'3".
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LMAO @ Branh
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Yeah CapGirl, my cappy is like 5'8" I believe and I'm 5'5". I don't like it that he's that short, but it's ok tho.
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well, the other original cap is 6'3- almost too tall for me.
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I can't be bothered with them..waste of valuable energy..They make it so difficult to penetrate that self-made brick wall that they all have..most people don't have the patience for that..I certainly don't..
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Lol, I understand what you mean missmorals. I could have the patience, but I don't feel like waiting a hundred years to break through it.
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Absolutely Shaiessence...Theres this little thing called "life" that needs to be lived to the fullest...screw them if they can't deal with fun...Can you imagine life with them..dealing with that everyday of your life..christ no!..
Life is all HAHA HEE HEE
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Lol, not unless I REALLY wanted to . . and that's not anytime soon.
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Fantabulous!..then your on the road to recovery..how good does that feel...can you smell it...FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM
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