Expectations and Bounderies

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by SamCancerGirl on Saturday, June 8, 2013 and has 25 replies.
For the caps out there- how would u respond to a convo about your SO expectations of the relationship and where you and their boundaries lie?
Do u feel your SO should trust u and not bring it up?
For those of you with Cap friends/SOs - do u feel fustrated because the cap needs their alone space?
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Thanks M - it was for a general discussion for all to give their advice in that kind
If the cap is driving u nuts - feel free to add a comment for that too if u like.
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In that kind of situation
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Thank you everyone it's given me lots to think about and when my capi decides to come back around I'll know how to discuss it during round 2.. Round 1 was a bit emotional.
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Posted by M
You were soaking ideas up for things between you and yours after all :p


M lol that was for CP he added a comment about me knowing my goat.
I posted the thread as a general one as well although it was a lil late for me n mine since
I had already done the over emotional thing.
It's helping me to relax thou and get a better understand plus it came from reading comments
On another thread and wanted to discuss opinions too.
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Posted by Caplove
Posted by SamCancerGirl
For the caps out there- how would u respond
Do u feel your SO should trust u and not bring it up?
I would love a man to let me know what he expects, however, I know most won't lay it out like that.
When I was younger I had no idea what I wanted in a relationship. Now that I know I have no problems letting my potential guy know. I feel that a man may not bring it up because he's waiting for the woman to set the standard for him, to let him know how she wants to be treated. If he is interested in her then he will respond accordingly. If he is not ready/sees it as too much work/overwhelmed by it then you will know he wasn't for you.
No, I don't feel like my SO should trust me not to bring it up. It needs to be discussed and very soon, in the early stages of dating. I think this absolutely SHOULD be discussed and brought up. Someone needs to, this way the man knows what I expect from this relationship very early on and the level he needs to be at if he wishes to pursue me. I think it's best to do this soon because then if he doesn't like what I expect from the relationship, he is free to leave and I know that I can move on.



I love what you've said here CapLove - it's gives a very detailed reply. I agree with you it needs to be discussed so either party can decide
Whether they carry on or leave if it's not for you. Also it's one of those convos people hate having.
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Posted by cowpuncher
We don't always know it's coming until it hits, and we don't necessarily have a way of gauging how long it's going to take. I will say though, as I get older, those "Capricorn funk shutdown" times become shorter and more infrequent. What might last a month as a teen, a week in my 20s and early 30s... now 24-48 hours. *shrug* I'll take it smile
Regarding boundaries, I know everybody poo-poo's the idea of having "that" discussion, but whether they want to admit it or not, somehow they HAVE it in their relationships, one way or another. Now is it done bit by bit over time, maybe. Is a lot of it observation... maybe. But it happens.
If one or both partners are unsure of the boundaries, done right, I don't think that's a bad convo to have with a Cap male. We're the oddballs who LIKE knowing what kind of terra firma we're standing on. Got to approach it right though, and I can't necessarily tell you exactly how to do that. However, you seem to be a bright girl with her heart in the right place, who knows her goat, I bet you can do it smile


Thanks CP - it's good to know that the take space time reduces as a cap gets older. Mine takes on average 4-6 days when it happens.
It's knowing how to have the convo - which in my case didn't go so well.
Hopefully this thread helps those who are thinkn of having the convo or are afraid of bringing it up.
Agree with you it's one of the convo everyone hates to have.
PS thank you for the lovely compliment it made me smile Big Grin
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Posted by M
It's great when people just know, but that's an exception and can't bank on everyone being able to intuit everything. Not bringing it up to any degree invites assumptions that can trip things up down the line. Try laying out what's on your mind without trying to accomplish more than that and see where it takes you.
I'm having trouble with an answer here, because my answer for the topic isn't the same I'd give if it's your Cap's behavior driving you nuts (with you unsure how to approach it with him).


Assumptions are hard to change once one of you are stubborn. Agree it needs to be brought up.
If the convo is done the right way it would be just that telling the other person what was on your mind.
However as some people get emotional at having this type of convo it's difficult to leave it at just that.
It becomes more and when you add a water sign into the mix such as myself it may not go the the right way
If you had to give a reply based on my situation what would your reply be ?
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Posted by CapriLady
I'm ok with Caps need for alone time. No one really wants to have a conversation about expectations and boundaries, but it's certainly better to have that conversation when calm and COMMUNICATE (recurring theme on the board lately) rather than breakup and lose someone you care for...just a thought.


CapLady - love your reply and defo agree its better to have it then lose someone you care for.
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Posted by WoundedLeo
Posted by SamCancerGirl

For those of you with Cap friends/SOs - do u feel frustrated because the cap needs their alone space?



Actually, I don't mind AT ALL if he needs his alone space and time. I just wish he'd give me a heads up before taking it, out of courtesy.
He's really funny about it too. He'll say stuff like, "I'll be shutting down for the next 3-4 weeks so take care". And I'll say, "Ok well have a a nice shut down". LOL.
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WL - I didn't think of it this way - be able to make it into a jokey convo about having the space convo
I can see the need to have space and it's a good thing but at the same time it feels like if you don't know why then
You may take it personally. Most of the time it may have nothing to do because of u rather then the cap needing time to reflect and
Regain a sense of balance.
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Posted by CapriLady
I did send a couple nice and friendly reminders as a friend. But no, I am definitely going to let this one sort out his life-problems on his own.


CapriLAdy - that's the thing they want u to stay away during the process time but also they want to hear from you
But not too much to invoke an emotional reaction.
Personally I want to always help n be supportive but it comes across all wrong
Can't really cuddle via a text if u can't physically be there at the time.
Anyway what I mean is that it's hard for me as a water sign to sit back and watch.
It prob works in your favour to sit it out.. We should have a new group waiting room!
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I don't mind conversations about it at all. It is a little uncomfortable and its not easy, but I think they are necessary.
Just control the emotion, he will appreciate that.
I do remember one time I was dating this guy and he kept hinting around at "where do we stand" and all I ever gave him was vague answers and avoidance because although I liked him, I knew I didn't want a forever relationship with him. If its someone I do want a forever relationship with, its a lot easier and I don't avoid anything. Maybe that helps.

*thinks truecap should re-read what she just wrote and apply back at herself*
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I like the idea that the relationship could last forever. Right now, I'm just waiting and seeing if he resurfaces from what life has thrown his way. He has a right to handle his life problems in the way that works for him. It's a little easier to see that when you have some emotional distance. You don't have to share every aspect of your life with someone. Sometimes when you get really close to people, it becomes more difficult not to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I will say he was upfront from the beginning about how complicated this was going to be, and he did discuss things with me and was fairly supportive. Now, not so much. I know life is complicated. The question is how long is this going to go on, how much can I take, and is he still interested?
Yes, I would like to be perfectly supportive all the time, but I'm not perfect, and I have to take care of myself too smile
I don't know if I'm going to see him again, but it sure would be nice...
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Oh, I don't know. I hope it works out for you Sam. Send us some good news soon.
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I love how open and forthcoming with helpful tips and suggestions you all
Provide! Defo feeling the love x
He hasn't been in touch yet but will write back whn I have some news
He's very stubborn so might take a while.
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You have to be a strong person to speak up when your boundaries are messed with, that's true Sangfroid. The thought should not be focused on the other's reactions. That's part of the acceptance of relationship and it should be mutual. It may take some time, but it can develop.
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My "exclusive" conversation was similar, Cheeky. I told him I had been asked on a date and turned it down because I didn't want to date anyone else. He volunteered he had turned down someone who offered to cook for him. I said "looks like we're on the same page". He said "looks like it". That was it. Simple as that.
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Well my dear fan club, he finally reached out first thing this morning saying
He can't chill with me this week as he has interviews..and poof he's gone
Again
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Best of luck Sam. Sounds like he's focusing on work. It's a good sign that he stopped to touch base smile He's thinking of you.
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Posted by CapriLady
Best of luck Sam. Sounds like he's focusing on work. It's a good sign that he stopped to touch base smile He's thinking of you.


Thanks CapriLady but now I miss him n he's too busy Sad
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Aww, Sam. He took time out of his day to speak to you. That means a lot. ((hugs))
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Posted by CapriLady
Aww, Sam. He took time out of his day to speak to you. That means a lot. ((hugs))


Thanks I would love to spend time with him to take his mind off it
But cest la vie life gets in the way. It was a txt not a phone call but it means I was on his mind.
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Posted by cowpuncher
Posted by SamCancerGirl
Posted by CapriLady
Aww, Sam. He took time out of
In fairness though.. if he's doing resumes and interviews, that should mean he has some evenings and weekends free. Yeah, we go into full blown hermit mode and try to close off the world when we are unemployed... but still.. I wish the guy would make some time for you during his down time.
How far apart do you two live, Sam? Would it be possible for you to invite him over for a nice dinner on a Saturday night? No interviews happening then unless he's a stripper.


CP - we live 2 hours apart, he's still at the current job but has been told its ending soon
So he's pouring his evenings in to interviews and prepping and Sunday spends updating his resume and looking for jobs/applications.
Sat is his only downtime n I wouldn't want to take that away from him plus we both live at home with families.
I'm working this weekend so the timing sucks. Maybe Monday il ask to see if i can
get some time for us?
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Posted by cowpuncher
Okay, thanks for the clarification Sam. In that case, yeah... that guy is slammed.
Just making sure you're not getting screwed smile You count too, Sam.
In his shoes though, yeah, I'd be pretty difficult to get some time with, and have been so with less to deal with than he has at the moment.



Aww thank you for looking out for me!! Yep whn he's finally finished n has more time
He will re-surface smile its just a shame he won't let me help n wants to do it
All himself. I'll be sure to tell him I count too n he'll make sure I'm happy whn he sees me smile
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Hi everyone!
Update to report- capi was in touch last week but due to our schedules we wernt able to meet. Plus I had started to withdraw n pull back as its been soooo long. He let me know that he's been thinkn about moving on as some of the things I had said were starting to ring true. He said I was right about saying he shouldn't keep walking away and coming back.
He missed my birthday, sent me apologetic texts a few days later and lots of sorry haven't been in touch messages.
We meet up yesterday he was v. affectionate and hugs. He asked if I was free nxt week as he can make time etc and asked what film I wanted to see n mentioned he's been wanting to take me to see a horror/scary film- what is it with guys and scary films??
Anyway he seems happier - I asked about his job search he said he didn't take the redundancy and it's still going through the process. He wants to have a job ready before he leaves so wants to stay there as long as possible until the nxt stage which is comp. redundancies ?
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