Genuine Cap or no?

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by 1742taylor on Sunday, April 13, 2014 and has 23 replies.
Dated a cap for a year. We've been apart (I broke it off with him) for almost a year now. He showed up two weeks ago saying everything a jilted ex wants to hear; "I'm sorry, I love you, I've missed you, I've changed, I've dated other's but no one else compares to you, I want you back", etc. We've been talking since, have seen each other twice. He seems to have worked on some of the issues from before and is making progress but he's not there yet.
Here's my two biggest concerns. We do business really well together. I helped him launch a business last year, which has done well. He's currently wanting to launch another business. As most caps are...he's obsessed with being successful. He says he wants us to build together. Last year I got nothing in return for my assistance in helping him. He says if I help him now I will be paid. I'm concerned that he's only back and is telling me what he thinks I need to hear in order for me to assist him with the business. I've shared this with him several times, that it's a concern for me. Because along with building an empire with him I'm also in love with him and want a romantic relationship. He knows this and we discuss all the time.
I think this because he's withholding a romantic relationship for a year. According to him having another year will put him where he feels he needs to be successfully to then he can dedicate the time, effort and energy into a proper relationship. In the mean time he won't be romantically involved with me. I've pointed out, that I don't trust that in a years time he will want a romantic relationship with me, several times now and again he tells me it's not the truth; that he does and he will. I discovered a couple of days ago that while he expects me to wait for him he also is expecting that I not see other men. I've responded to that as you would expect: "No, that's not fair of you to ask of me" etc.
So I need some input from you guys. How dedicated and loyal are caps when they love? Should I trust the "year" thing? Also, is it natural that success comes before all else?
He says ultimately his goal is to be in a position to take care of me (us) financially and that we'll be together romantically in all the ways I want.
There are, of course many other questions and concerns involved with this situation and I'd love to present those as well, but for now these are the two biggest concerns.
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My initial reaction and I've told him as much is to come back in a year when he's ready. He's being stubborn though (imagine that Winking) and say's no. So I'm hesitant to enforce this because it may push him away completely, with him thinking I don't care or love him. He has abandonment issues, that I understand. So that's another layer.
Yeah...lot's of layers to this one...sorry.
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Does no one have any input?
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Posted by 1742taylor
He says ultimately his goal is to be in a position to take care of me (us) financially and that we'll be together romantically in all the ways I want.


I don't have the answer, but I'm going to bump the topic, anyway.
I understand your concern-- anyone would be leery.
I agree with Caliber, though-- he needs to prove himself at this point; he's asking you to make an enormous (emotional) investment to give him what *he* needs, with zero collateral.
Ime Caps typically try to keep everything on the up and up-- so there is *some* merit to not mixing "business & pleasure"-- but that is unavoidable here, in a way, because of your history.
Quite the dilemma.

I hope someone else pops in to give you some insight. smile

(What is your sign, Taylor?)

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Posted by caliber
I think you should not invest your time in someone who is unsure of you or whatever his exact issue it. He doesn't sound as though he's ok with a relationship, and if that's what you're looking for then you'd be setting yourself up for some severe disappointment.
I'm not a cap male.. but I think you should keep your distance emotionally and do not do him any favors if you're really hellbent on waiting for him. He needs to prove himself.


Thx for your feedback. I agree that there should be no favors and I've not done any since I posted.
We've had much discussion these past few weeks, addressing many of the issues we had previously and both agreed that we wanted to take things very slow ~ in hopes of resolving most.
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Posted by Montgomery
Posted by 1742taylor
He says ultimately his goal is to be in a position to take care of me (us) financially and that we'll be together romantically in all the ways I want.


I don't have the answer, but I'm going to bump the topic, anyway.
I understand your concern-- anyone would be leery.
I agree with Caliber, though-- he needs to prove himself at this point; he's asking you to make an enormous (emotional) investment to give him what *he* needs, with zero collateral.
Ime Caps typically try to keep everything on the up and up-- so there is *some* merit to not mixing "business & pleasure"-- but that is unavoidable here, in a way, because of your history.
Quite the dilemma.

I hope someone else pops in to give you some insight. smile

(What is your sign, Taylor?)


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I'm a Leo. Agreed that he needs to prove himself and continued pushing for that with him. As for him being on the up and up...it seems he has improved some in this area since last year and we've discussed the why for him last year he didn't stay on the up and up with me. Our talks are providing long overdue resolve, possibly closure. Jes being more forth right with me this time around; I like it smile
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Posted by TwirlingStrawberry
business or pleasure. pick one because you will not get both.
caps can't merge the two together.
I'm only telling you this from personal experience.
If you want to keep giving your expertise away for nothing in hopes for a relationship....you will be left empty each and every time.
You want to help him? Fine, but set a price and clear your head of all possible relationship scenarios....because I am willing to bet, once he is off and running, history will repeat itself.
If you don't value yourself and your skillsets......you give him no reason to value them either.



Wow - I can't possibly imagine that to be the case with caps - business or pleasure!! It seems foreign to me to think it would be anything but both...hmm. You've got me loopy on this.
Do other caps feel this way?
What I've told him is that I don't think its a good idea to do business together again. Initially he agreed. As we moved though the last couple of weeks though naturally we migrated back into it. I held my ground though and we came out each time reminded that we decided to not do business together again.
If this is indeed true than what happened last night was a good thing. I'll be able to determine his true interest.
Thx for your input.
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Update...
So its been roughly a month that he's been back. We text daily and for a while I was getting calls. I felt this a great thing since he works an average of a 10 to 14 hour days, 7 days a week. What happened though is that after that first week he suddenly couldn't make time to see me. I tried to be patient and understanding but to no avail. I know him well enough to know that if he wanted to see me he'd make the time. We agreed to go slow but I never agreed that it was okay to not see each other. I reached a point early this past week where it felt like complete lip service from him. The arguing started again but we continued to try. I got a call from him one morning and we talked for an entire hour - while he was already at work and I was driving in. I thought it went well. Unfortunately something shifted for him. He pulled a complete disappearing act for the next three days. He doesn't do that with me - ever. This was sadly the final reason I needed to excuse myself. I emailed him last night to let him know that I loved him but for now it just wasn't working for us. He's too caught up in his work (so he's telling me) and I don't want to put everything on hold for an entire year; its unfair. I told him he could try again at some point in the future if he was still interested. Its been a very tough day going cold turkey but really, there's no other way to handle this.
Thought?
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Posted by champranger
Posted by 1742taylor

Wow - I can't possibly imagine that to be the case with caps - business or pleasure!! It seems foreign to me to think it would be anything but both...hmm. You've got me loopy on this.
Do other caps feel this way?



Because they put importance on their career and will not likely get involved with someone who is related to them on a professional level.
In addition, it might make you seem like a doormat because you would be forgoing your own desires, just so he can reach his?
But I'm glad you declined. smile
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I learned a lot last year so declining this time was somewhat easier.
Your response makes me sad. From what you're saying (and Strawberry) it seems then that he is more interested in business than pleasure. Was so hoping things were different.
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ugghh. caps like to manipulate to get what they want. i know this firsthand. he was just buttering you up to see if he could get you to help him out. and going cold turkey is the only way to handle it, in my opinion.
i did the same thing to my cap a week and a half ago and he said nothing in response to the 'its over' text since. in denial and i know he will 'pop' up again and act like nothing because he never agreed to stop talking.
i feel your pain.
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Posted by champranger
Posted by 1742taylor
Posted by champranger
Posted by 1742taylor

Wow - I can't possibly imagine that to be the case with caps - business or pleasure!! It seems foreign to me to think it would be anything but both...hmm. You've got me loopy on this.
Do other caps feel this way?



Because they put importance on their career and will not likely get involved with someone who is related to them on a professional level.
In addition, it might make you seem like a doormat because you would be forgoing your own desires, just so he can reach his?
But I'm glad you declined. smile


I learned a lot last year so declining this time was somewhat easier.
Your response makes me sad. From what you're saying (and Strawberry) it seems then that he is more interested in business than pleasure. Was so hoping things were different.


That's not true. Capricorns values recognition in his or her career field, and nothing damages his or her reputation like a bad workplace rumour.
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That helps some, thx. I guess I'm just having a really tough time trusting what he's telling me about wanting a romantic relationship.
Coupled with that when he chooses work over me continuously I'm left to believe (from what I see with his actions) that he doesn't want me - otherwise he'd make the time. Is it unfair to myself to expect a cap to put me (or anything for that matter) in front of work?
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Posted by justanothercrazysag
ugghh. caps like to manipulate to get what they want. i know this firsthand. he was just buttering you up to see if he could get you to help him out. and going cold turkey is the only way to handle it, in my opinion.
i did the same thing to my cap a week and a half ago and he said nothing in response to the 'its over' text since. in denial and i know he will 'pop' up again and act like nothing because he never agreed to stop talking.
i feel your pain.


Its tough going cold turkey!! When I broke it off last year I blocked him on my phone. This prevents him from calling, texting or emailing. It helped me take more emotional control. Because what's harder than going cold turkey is being ignored. I couldn't take it so I eliminated the option of knowing one way or the other if he was responding. So this time I've done it again, blocked him. I told him in my email i was doing it and told him it was for the best right now. He can come to my house if he feels its important enough to talk to me.
Sorry you're going through this too...its awful.
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Posted by champranger
Posted by 1742taylor
Update...
So its been roughly a month that he's been back. We text daily and for a while I was getting calls. I felt this a great thing since he works an average of a 10 to 14 hour days, 7 days a week. What happened though is that after that first week he suddenly couldn't make time to see me. I tried to be patient and understanding but to no avail. I know him well enough to know that if he wanted to see me he'd make the time. We agreed to go slow but I never agreed that it was okay to not see each other. I reached a point early this past week where it felt like complete lip service from him. The arguing started again but we continued to try. I got a call from him one morning and we talked for an entire hour - while he was already at work and I was driving in. I thought it went well. Unfortunately something shifted for him. He pulled a complete disappearing act for the next three days. He doesn't do that with me - ever. This was sadly the final reason I needed to excuse myself. I emailed him last night to let him know that I loved him but for now it just wasn't working for us. He's too caught up in his work (so he's telling me) and I don't want to put everything on hold for an entire year; its unfair. I told him he could try again at some point in the future if he was still interested. Its been a very tough day going cold turkey but really, there's no other way to handle this.
Thought?


Let me edit my last post on this.
Caps tend to disappear when they are busy at their work. This is most certainly the case with my friends, and one of them I have not heard from in ages because when he is really into his work, he forgets other things, like time. This guy tends leaves late from work because there tends to be this one problem that he wants to solve before calling it a day.
I dun think you would have anything to worry about with a 3 day disappearance because he is probably just really busy with work. He probably foresee that he was gonna be busy for the week, so he called you and talked for an hour beforehand. smile
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He is much more busy now with his work load than he was
Last year and that's all he says all the time, "I
I don't have time for a life, I don't have time for anything but work!" Okay - well then why the heck di
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Cont...
Then why the heck did you come back and as me to be a part of your life if you have no time. I'm clueless here!!
I'd love to write off his disappearing act as him being too busy with work, however my gut tells me its something else. Could be too presumptuous but I know him pretty well.
We had some really deep convos earlier in the week and I shared with him that I knew a few of his deepest secrets. Wondering if after thinking about everything it was too much and its bothersome that I know these things. Idn...
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I love him and want nothing more than to have it turn out that he's being honest and wants me as his gf/partner. And we can go live the life he tells me he wants for us.
But he has to prove it...and right now he won't make the time to do so. That's not okay with me so I pulled out.
I was very kind and loving in my email telling him I'm here when he's ready.
So tell me, he's returned now after a year. With my cutting him off now do you think he'll have the determination to try again later if it's something he wants? Is that typical behavior for you goats?
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Posted by 1742taylor
Posted by justanothercrazysag
ugghh. caps like to manipulate to get what they want. i know this firsthand. he was just buttering you up to see if he could get you to help him out. and going cold turkey is the only way to handle it, in my opinion.
i did the same thing to my cap a week and a half ago and he said nothing in response to the 'its over' text since. in denial and i know he will 'pop' up again and act like nothing because he never agreed to stop talking.
i feel your pain.


Its tough going cold turkey!! When I broke it off last year I blocked him on my phone. This prevents him from calling, texting or emailing. It helped me take more emotional control. Because what's harder than going cold turkey is being ignored. I couldn't take it so I eliminated the option of knowing one way or the other if he was responding. So this time I've done it again, blocked him.
Sorry you're going through this too...its awful.
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I have done this with three different guys I was dating in the last year and nothing fruitful has come out of any of those relationships. One chased me for six months with no replies on my part, after I decided to let him go and the other two I just went cold turkey!! And haven't heard from them since. It's hard and it hurts, but you have to have the courage to do what's necessary for yourself.
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You know Taylor he didn't come back and actually offer you anything but he needed you for his business which would have set me back if I were you.
He's not offering up his time or energy but he desires to have your time and your energy and your brain power, he's really asking/expecting too much without giving little if not anything at all back to you.
He can't even commit to being present with you NOW so there is no way he'll be able to in a years time because a new business takes time, energy, dedication to nurture and build it up off the ground.
It's nothing wrong with wanting a real relationship but you should never have to bargain your precious time to have it.
Although he's given you a lot of word salad--saying the right things I don't think he can give you much more than that.
FYI familiarity breeds contempt, you would think knowing a mans deep darkest secrets would bring you closer, it won't, it can actually create distance and some men panic and don't know what to do or how to translate how they are feeling so they become unavailable, this isn't on purpose though, men handle situations like this differently.
Business and pleasure doesn't mix.
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Posted by 1742taylor
Update...
So its been roughly a month that he's been back. We text daily and for a while I was getting calls. I felt this a great thing since he works an average of a 10 to 14 hour days, 7 days a week. What happened though is that after that first week he suddenly couldn't make time to see me. I tried to be patient and understanding but to no avail. I know him well enough to know that if he wanted to see me he'd make the time. We agreed to go slow but I never agreed that it was okay to not see each other. I reached a point early this past week where it felt like complete lip service from him. The arguing started again but we continued to try. I got a call from him one morning and we talked for an entire hour - while he was already at work and I was driving in. I thought it went well. Unfortunately something shifted for him. He pulled a complete disappearing act for the next three days. He doesn't do that with me - ever. This was sadly the final reason I needed to excuse myself. I emailed him last night to let him know that I loved him but for now it just wasn't working for us. He's too caught up in his work (so he's telling me) and I don't want to put everything on hold for an entire year; its unfair. I told him he could try again at some point in the future if he was still interested. Its been a very tough day going cold turkey but really, there's no other way to handle this.
Thought?


For a cap to mix business and pleasure, it would have to be a very, very special someone. Like champranger said, a cap is not going to risk reputation, gossip, anything that could affect their reputation negatively. Capricorns are not going to poop where they eat. They won't mess up a business over a romance because when the romance goes sour, that opens up a whole can of worms they're not going to want to deal with on the business end - won't risk the business going sour as well as you two don't get along, won't risk the chance of a scorned lover knocking their business or their reputation in the community, won't risk the possibility of a sexual harrassment suit. The only way they would mix it is if their were potential of marriage.
So, no, if you want more, don't get involved in the business.
I think you've done the right thing. It wasn't fair of him to ask you to wait for a year until he got his act together. Not fair at all. Remain friendly wit
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Remain friendly with him. Date. Do your thing. After a year is up and he's on his feet and finally ready for more, and if neither of you are not involved with someone else, then you can give it a shot. But don't wait around on him. It might be a ten year wait, then where would you be?
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Posted by tiki33
You know Taylor he didn't come back and actually offer you anything but he needed you for his business which would have set me back if I were you.
He's not offering up his time or energy but he desires to have your time and your energy and your brain power, he's really asking/expecting too much without giving little if not anything at all back to you.
He can't even commit to being present with you NOW so there is no way he'll be able to in a years time because a new business takes time, energy, dedication to nurture and build it up off the ground.
It's nothing wrong with wanting a real relationship but you should never have to bargain your precious time to have it.
Although he's given you a lot of word salad--saying the right things I don't think he can give you much more than that.
FYI familiarity breeds contempt, you would think knowing a mans deep darkest secrets would bring you closer, it won't, it can actually create distance and some men panic and don't know what to do or how to translate how they are feeling so they become unavailable, this isn't on purpose though, men handle situations like this differently.
Business and pleasure doesn't mix.


Adore the "word salad" reference, lol!!
I agree which has been the delimas. I seem to be stuck in there "can't live with him but can't live without him" hell.
The blocking only lasted for a week. Unbeknownst to me he could email me and did. He's delivering more word salad but there's something different this time (than from last year - he was a lot o lettuce then too). He seems to have much more conviction this time.maybe he's just become a more diverse salad this year but he's holding my attention.
What's odd is that the more we talk he's the one that repetitively says its a romance he wants this time and not help with business. He"s now almost insistent that when we're together (in the future) that he want's nothing from me in that area. More word salad...idk?!
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Posted by truecap

Remain friendly with him. Date. Do your thing. After a year is up and he's on his feet and finally ready for more, and if neither of you are not involved with someone else, then you can give it a shot. But don't wait around on him. It might be a ten year wait, then where would you be?


Thx for your input Trucap. I'll be honest I really hope what you're saying rings true. Last year we went through a lot of struggle emotionally with running the businesses and it took a great toll on our romantic relationship. As you see from my original post I've always struggled with the notion that maybe he used me last year just for business purposes. If what you're suggesting, the idea that in order for a cap to let you in to help in that area is normally only something that happens with "marriage material" then I couldn't be more relieved. Your input allowed me, for the first time to see it in the way I've always hoped to be the case.
So combining your input and Tiki's with how it seems to be playing out (possibly but hopefully not being word salad) then I can now process and let go some of the resentment and frustration from last year and firmly move forward with the notion (at his insistace too) that I will not be involved in the business(?s). That feels really good; thank you!!
I think its going to play out like you're predicting...we keep talking and I keep my options open and see where things are in a year.
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Posted by CluelessCancer
He sounds like a user. You should focus on yourself and grow your own business and become richer then him and than marry someone else, have a happier life, there goes your revenge.


CC - you made me laugh!! You know why?? Because your response sounds exactly like what he says when he gets mad!! Thanks for your input and the smile smile
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Posted by tiki33
FYI familiarity breeds contempt, you would think knowing a mans deep darkest secrets would bring you closer, it won't, it can actually create distance and some men panic and don't know what to do or how to translate how they are feeling so they become unavailable, this isn't on purpose though, men handle situations like this differently.


Thank you for this golden nuggut of info - I'll keep this in mind (across the board) moving forward!
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