Help! Its been 30 yrs with my cap man!

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by jkc3 on Tuesday, May 7, 2013 and has 25 replies.
I will try to keep this short, I'm going to be covering a 30 year relationship with my cappy! I'm a Libra! Me and my cap met when he was 16 and I was 15. We were each other's first love. At one point in our lives we were engaged. Things didn't work out and he broke my heart. I married and had 3 kids, he never married And has no children. We have always stayed in contact, no matter where I moved to he always found me. Fast-forward...We are now in our 40s. We reconnected 16 months ago. After all these years he still confuses me, he does show his love by his actions He does the sweetest things for me. He told me a few months ago he loved me. (he was drunk when he said it) Here is why I'm confused. He asked me to move in with him but as "roommates" and just as friends! I was looking for something cheaper and wanted to move to the city so I accepted his offer. Since moving in together he no longer has sex with me...I sleep on the sofa every night so I can watch TV, lol, he sleeps next me, some nights he will hug me up other nights he won't touch me. When I first moved in he would go out to the bar every night, he no longer does that, he comes home after work and he will take me to dinner, watch movies with me..we basically live like a married couple but no sex. He runs hot and cold, I never know where I stand with him or where I fit into his life! What is deal? What does he want from me? Does he really love me? Why has he stopped having sex with me? Please can anyone help me to understand....Any cap men out there that
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Let me add, he tells me he wants to take things slow, he has not been in a relationship since 1998, and I'm the first female he has ever lived with!
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Wow! For once I don't know what to say. He definitely loves you but hard to tell if its romantic love. Maybe he's waiting on you to make a move on him.
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He did say only as roommates. That is why the no sex. Why would you expect more if that is what he told you?
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He definitely knows that I love him! I do believe he is in love with me to, he looks at me sometimes and his eyes will glass over.
I wasn't completely honest I am still married my divorce will be final at the end of this month!
And as far as "actions speak louder then words" he will put socks in my feet if he thinks they are cold, fluff my pillow he has even put tooth paste on my toothbrush and had it ready for me! He ask me to move in after I had got frustrated with him and told him I couldn't do it anymore, that I was tired of putting my heart out there for him.
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Maybe he's waiting until your divorce is final? Doesn't seem like itcwould matter now, but you never know
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He broke your heart 30 years ago and he's doing it again. I'm curious as to why he broke your heart? But never the less he's stringing you along again and you're allowing him to do it.
He seems like your typical commitmenthphobic man. What points to that is it's 2013 and he hasn't committed himself to anyone since 1998. Who does that? Unless he's commitmentphobic. He left you only to never have kids nor get married? Sounds commitmentphobic to me.
If you truly want a REAL relationship, it's not him. Get out of that apartment and go get you a real life that's not wrought with commitmentphobic hot/cold signals.
How dare he come back into your life and offer you NOTHING but roommate and friendship. Who does that shit?
If you want to wait it out you can but this is going to be another 30 years waiting on him to stop being scared of sharing himself completely with someone else.
Outside of being Commitmentphobic. Is he gay? Something smells really fishy about this guy.
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@caplove, yes we were before I moved in. He told me this as I was moving in!
@tiki33, we were 19 and 20 when we broke up. He did come back a week later to try to work things out but I was a kid and really didn't know what I wanted either. The night he came to my house I slammed the door in his face. I know that I broke his heart too, his friends told me it took him years to get over me!
He is your typical goat, he is slowly moving up his mountain. He is working on his second degree! He is very ambitious!
Btw, when we were having sex, it was very passionate, hot, steamy and mind blowing! Winking
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His)
Sun-Cap
Moon-Cap
Venus-Pisces
Mars-Scorpio
Ascendant- Taurus
Mine)
Sun-Libra
Moon-Gemini
Venus-Scorpio
Mars-Virgo
Ascendant-Cancer
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Did you leave your husband for him?
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No! Our marriage was dead and over before he came into the picture.
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OK, the fact that your divorce isn't final probably bothers him. Have you asked him?
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No, I haven't asked him! But a few days before moving in with him he had changed his mind and he had said "you're still married"! He came back the next day with a change of heart. Maybe because when he told me that, I didn't put up a fight I just said ok. I think he is afraid of losing me again. He had told me several times he is afraid that I'm going to move out!
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I have asked him, he just talks in circles! Never really telling me why!
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Mhmm, I like that idea! Winking
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Posted by jkc3
I have asked him, he just talks in circles! Never really telling me why!


Typical cap. Avoidance of issues that make him uncomfortable and he finds difficult to talk about.
WL really does have a good idea! I concur!
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Posted by WoundedLeo
How about this?
You tell him now that once the divorce is finalized, you'd like to create a new set of house rules, you'll no longer be house mates, but lovers again. Then ask if he's willing to agree to the new terms smile



That's a good one smile Bet he'll go for it!!
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Something I never understood, everything I have ever read about Cap males was they were attractive to a "traditional" girl that dressed conservative! I'm the complete opposite, I'm a wildcat, a little on the wild side! I have always been this way, and he seems to love my wild side!
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Posted by jkc3
Something I never understood, everything I have ever read about Cap males was they were attractive to a "traditional" girl that dressed conservative! I'm the complete opposite, I'm a wildcat, a little on the wild side! I have always been this way, and he seems to love my wild side!


It allows him the freedom to be himself! Plus you have history. But really, for me, its more about their character and how someone makes me feel. I think most of us go on this.
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The divorce bothers him, for me that's not a factor or he wouldn't have you in his home IMHO.
Question: Are you and your 3 kids living in the home with him? Why would you live with him without a formal commitment? I know you mentioned something about saving money but you saying
"Since moving in together he no longer has sex with me...I sleep on the sofa every night so I can watch TV, lol, he sleeps next me, some nights he will hug me up other nights he won't touch me. When I first moved in he would go out to the bar every night, he no longer does that, he comes home after work and he will take me to dinner, watch movies with me..we basically live like a married couple but no sex. He runs hot and cold, I never know where I stand with him or where I fit into his life! What is deal? What does he want from me? Does he really love me? Why has he stopped having sex with me? Please can anyone help me to understand....Any cap men out there that "
Leads me to believe you have other motives and this can turn a Cap male off. He can feel/sense your neediness to have him in some certain way and he'll do exactly what he's doing. NOTHING
Where do you get this idea that he has intentions for you? Why would you want to know where you stand if you're just his roommate?
One other question is...
Why would you allow yourself to be with him when you're not available/not divorced? What are you doing?
As I said something isn't right either on his part or your part. You are the queen of mixed messages if you're living with a man and not divorced, that is the ultimate mixed message, you get back what you give.
And why should he put his heart on the line when you are UNAVAILABLE. So my suggestion to you would be focus on getting your divorce, become available, get your life together FIRST. A cap male must have stability & financial security.
And this is another issue with a successful Cap male. If you don't have your shit together you have no place in his life. You need to have your life financially together, you need to be available and you have to be strong and have an intelligent head on your shoulders.
Right now you are a dependent if you are living in his house virtually rent free and he's spending his money on meals.
Why would he TAKE you to dinner? You can't cook?
You chose to live in an ambiguous situation with a man and your asking questions that you wouldn't have to ask if you hadn't put yourself in a powerless dead end situation.
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Wow! I'm going to try and answer all if your questions!
Firstly, no my children are grown and are moved out!
I don't depend on him for financial support, I'm a ER nurse and currently make more money then he does!
I don't live there rent free, we split everything down the middle!
Yes I can cook, and in my free time I do cook and bake for him!
He takes to me to dinner because we are both busy ppl, he works and goes to school full time
I sometimes pull 16 hour shifts at work!
I have no hidden motives, he knows exactly how I feel about him he knows I love him!
He knows my divorce isn't final yet, my husband and I haven't been together in a long time! I have never hid anything from my cap!
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He loves you and is scared to get hurt because your divorce isn't final. I am thinking now, the fact that he wants you there as "roommates" is so he can be close to you and make sure you get those divorce papers Tongue He wants proof you are in it for the long haul. Sounds like he's been waiting for you for a long time. Wants to do it right.
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Let me add, if anyone in this relationship is needy, he is! I never asked him to sleep on the sofa with me and I have never put out "needy vibes" to him! I think he likes coming home to a clean house and another human being, he has always told me he hates living alone. And it's not like him to not "test" me, I think he is testing the waters to see if this is what he really wants! Why would he choose me to be the first female he ever invited into his "nest"!
I think he likes the fact that I get him, some strange reason we understand each other! We are bestfriends to not just lovers! As for as me being needy, no I'm not, but then again I guess we all have a little neediness in us! He is just afraid of losing me, than I am to him!
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So you are saving money by living with him? How is that if you're making more money than him? This is what I'm talking about, you are sending mixed messages yourself.
You set up this ambiguous dynamic where you are living in his home, agreeing to be friends/roommates and then you turn around and allow him to cuddle with you etc. Don't you see the part you're contributing to this whole mixed message thing?
What I'm suggesting is you get your own place or just stop allowing him to do boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with you when he's the one who dictated friends/roommates essentially telling you how it's going to be.
I'm not suggesting you're hiding anything, I'm saying you have your own ideas and intentions or you wouldn't have moved in with him, agreed to friendship/roommates and then turn around and let him treat you like a girlfriend.
You wanted to know what's up with the mixed messages well you're sending out a few mixed messages yourself. You are married, you are not available yet you are attempting to be his friend/roommate KNOWING you want more than that, that is a MIXED MESSAGE.
Clearly you can support yourself financially so you really have no reason to be up in that house with him UNLESS you deeply hope for a different outcome, as in him changing his mind which puts you at a disadvantage.
You're old enough to know better if you have grown kids and you know your situation isn't all that great if you've chosen his terms to be friend zoned into being his roommate.
It's that la la land 30 year thing attached to this so of course it's going to be a bit difficult to see the forest from the trees, take off the red colored glasses.
Look at your own mixed messages, you get back what you give.
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I don't know if I implied you're the needy one. You're just choosing to be his friend/roommate when you desire to be in a loving commitment. That is a mixed message.
I'm not putting you down okay, I think every woman on some level been in your shoes, I'm married now but trust me okay, I been there.
There are not just mixed messages on his side, there are mixed messages on your side as well. The moment you agreed to move in with him, agreeing to be his friend/roommate after everything you both shared together intimately knowing you loved him and wanted to be in a loving long term commitment you sent him a mixed message so my point is stop your own mixed messages and he will most likely do the same.
Being close to a man, being on the same spiritual frequency can either work for you or against you and your case you accepted less friendship/roommate but allowed the intimacy minus the sex to continue so it's working against you mentally and emotionally to the point you're confused and you should be confused, you set it up that way.
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