I love my cappy- but...

GODDAMMIT! Am I really in the wrong here Cappies, I need your opinion...

I was supposed to join my Cap for dinner this evening at a part-time colleagues of his' house. She is someone I love and we get along but I don't really know her since they only work together occasionally and mostly online. (He is going to be in her area anyway so for him it is not out of his way)
But the thing is I work 70hours a week and I commute two hours each way or something ridiculous and I'm working today as well - Saturday here- after heading home I would have to head all the way back in to the city and I've literally had the worst flu for about two weeks now and my car was smashed by a random, on my birthday, Ive been dashing around in a car that had no headlights no parking brake the gears didnt line up and it usually died as soon as it started heading downhill... its been a real battle for a couple of weeks to a month and Ive just told my Cap I really am too exhausted to trek in for a casual dinner with people I barely know.

He has blown up at me, ignoring my text, ignoring my call, he did pick up once and I told him to fuck himself I would call her myself and make my excuses etc and she was lovely- didnt mind at all very sympathetic and understood I was under the weather and it was no inconvenience, they were only doing a bbq and her little kids were going to be there so it was unformal and not an issue if
I couldn't make it-

and he's here going on, you are making me look bad how dare you why would you etc!?

Well, fuck it -Where's my support!!!/ I don't understand at all... I don't respond well to attempted guilt trips and Ive told him so! I unleashed the fury of a bad week on his head via messaging.

It's obviously important to him that I be there, that's very flattering, but hey. shit! Sometimes crap happens and unfortunately I'm not up to it... sorry, I apologize he makes me bend over backwards with multiple apologies once twice three times sorry is not good enough.

So then I get the silent treatment and I've told him not to bother seeing me at all this weekend with that attitude.
Support should go both ways!

Nevermind the fact he left his parents hanging on his visit for Fathers Day weekend and didnt keep anyone posted with definite plans til the very last minute. And that's cos he doesnt like making time for his family, not because he had an actual reason.
Whats good for the goose should be good for the gander.

I love him dearly Im just v

No you're not in the wrong. I think you continuing on with attempts at contacting him is making things worse. Let him sulk and you go take care of your own needs for the moment.

Why so many apologies? Although he may be controlling you are choosing to bend.

Stop bending, when you bend and bend you are teaching him he can guilt trip you and control you emotionally which is why he seems insincere.

Too many apologies make you appear weak and controllable. A loss of respect follows and once the respect goes empathy for the partner follows to, he just won't care about your feelings when you make it all about him throughout the relationship thus when it's truly time for him to think about you and support you it won't be forthcoming.

Let your sorry be sincere and say it once and he can choose to accept it or not.

I made a promise to myself I'd never be with another man who gives me the silent treatment, too toxic, too controlling and it's emotionally/mentally abusive behavior. Hopefully him giving you the silent treatment is not something he does all the time.

+1 Cowpuncher

A Cap I know paid for a parking space for his ex-girlfriend and they were not on good terms but he put his feelings aside to ensure she's safe.

Cap males can be very protective of their loved ones. I have to wonder what his deal is.

That's bull shit...you are totally in the right. And yeah I agree, not so many apologies!

Also, get that car fixed!! My bf had a hard enough time driving with ONE head light out, everything else working fine. Please, it's dangerous to you and other drivers.

Thanks guys... much appreciated and love feeling validated.
Jenlove, Tiki, Cowpuncher - thanks for your opinions. You're all pretty spot on there.
He just messaged me with an apology of his own and said he will call me later to talk properly about it.

I'm over it and calmed down now, so, all good. I made it clear we wont hang this weekend, we've both had enough drama with this spat already.
I just told him I didn't appreciate his bad attitude and poor response to my dilemma etc

And with the car, all good, it was a necessity I had to endure- he actually drove it most of the time and dropped me to work and back when he could find the time so he was quite good with that.
That's what pissed me off, when he is good he is really good but when he drops the ball with respect and empathy etc I cant tolerate it.

We muddle along =) I should probably add I live in his family home so I'm very tight with his parents and family so it's a definite long haul relationship, with ups and downs like everybody, I just really needed to spew out my anger!

Cheers again, God I love Cappies =)

oooh yeh, the car is the loan car the mechanic gave me while mine is being fixed HAHAHA shocking I know.

It's not my car to clarify, not mine lol
Mine is fixed anyway and now Im back on the road, that was last weeks saga =D

Posted by tiki33
+1 Cowpuncher

A Cap I know paid for a parking space for his ex-girlfriend and they were not on good terms but he put his feelings aside to ensure she's safe.

Cap males can be very protective of their loved ones. I have to wonder what his deal is.

His deal is he's a messed up soul who is currently progressing quite strongly in his life.
We are both participating in therapy both personal and together as a couple etc he is successfully moving through his rehabilitation and currently undergoing very intense healing.
I was the catalyst for him to get his life together and I feel honored and grateful for our blessings.

He has severe PTSD and depression, we are both very loving and intimate in general, this is not about some guy Im dating this is the love of my life we are talking about.
This is not youthful naivety speaking or wishful thinking... it is our reality.

In general he exhibits all the wonderful traits of a cap male but his Scorp Moon means his trials can be dark and the dips can be quite evident when you are in his inner circle.
We hide nothing from eachother and our trust is pretty complete from both sides.

However, life can deal many blows and we are both allowed to stuff up occasionally, that's all this was.
communication issues and frustrations manifested in a fight.
We are going to be okay, he just needed to pull his head in, I may be soft and happily apologise I see no need to play power games when I am sorry.
Dont think I dont know when his power trip or efforts to manipulate or control are unwarranted. I stop that asap. lol

HAHA Clueless, that's very sweet of you to say chicklet. Yeh, shit gets real out here hey... hard to stay idealistic sometimes.

Elle, hey hey, totally!

There was the point when I was dropping the car back and it was about three hours from where I live. I knew it was going to be a real hooter of a drive so I was braced for it. Well, the car was conking out constantly but I would start it up and power on lol up hill and down dale anyway, I missed the turn off for the mechanics shop and thought I'll just duck in to this side street and turn around...
car stops as Im turning and loses power steering so I have no control over the vehicle but its moving in this really eery slow motion... I'm gliding silently through a packed roundabout and across the oncoming traffic straight into a telegraph pole!! that was it for me, I called the guys and said Im lost about a block away (lies) and the car needs to be towed!
They were sorry but I just laughed it off, I mean sheesh I had to laugh!
They took good care of my baby so I didnt complain... I didnt have to pay for anything ( $ 3,000.00 damage)so... I won in the end it was just a hair-greying experience.

tooo much, I pray never again! =)

and just re original post, don't know if anyone cares anymore ahaha but I just fielded about ten calls and texts from Cap making sure I'm okay and saying he misunderstood and overreacted etc so all's well that ends well...
(still not allowed to visit me though, we need space after that lol)

You know, reading this has really made me see things differently with my bf. the things I was getting really annoyed at are nowhere near deal breakers, especially when I read how much you love your guy and how you put your foot down but tolerate way more than I would because I was being pretty selfish I realized after reading your post.

Thanks for putting things in a new light 🙂

Capinc, are you talking to me or to yourself...?

Are you talking to yourself in a mirror?

Turbo is a snail by the way... He's awesome.

I dunno wagtail, your a saint compared to me, if my husband had severe ptsd along with depression there is no way I'd stick that out with him not mention marry him.

I've had my share of experiences prior to marriage and it was just too much damn work. Relationships are hard enough as it is and then heap on mental illness factor, find me a bridge. Your situation sounds a lot like one particular guy I dated many moons ago, very explosive and just fucking crazy in general.

In my mind I'd wonder if my kids would be born with mental illness or be at risk of carrying that in their own lives.

yeah,
just cos someone has depression or PTSD doesn't mean they're crazy... at least not in this case...
Maybe in general. I don't know. As far as I can tell a lot of people are undiagnosed mental illness and walk around judging other people because societal norms tell us that we are the ones who are okay.

Maybe he is the sane one, I certainly cannot complain when he has made the decision to seek professional help both for himself and for both of us.
Why would that merit me complaining?
It's something to be grateful for in my opinion.

So many women sit on here whining because the men they are dating are exhibiting abusive or insensitive behavior and they struggle to reconcile their relationships, their needs, their wants and desires with the treatment they are getting from these guys that are supposed to love and care for them. And the men never change or express any desire to change.

At least with "our" issues we are working hand in hand to cope, with as much faith and support for each other as we can possibly summon as mere human beings.

On some level people who are not mentally healthy are a bit crazy, I don't say that to offend you or anyone, it's just complicated, they are wired up differently. One day they could be taking their meds daily, going to therapy and the next just don't give a fuck later down the line. Anyone whose dealt with it know this is true.

I dunno you of course. You may carry some issues with mental health yourself which is much more understandable as to why you'd be with him.

I don't know one mentally emotionally healthy sane woman that would willingly go head on with a mentally ill man at least not long term, it's too mentally risky to ones own mental health long term.

As for all the women whining on DXP, well yeah, you too where on here whining and then you swooped in to defend him, sounds a bit codependent on your part.

The risk of losing ones self to the disease is very high. Too high of a price to pay for me personally.

I can be codependent lol I can definitely admit that and, I will always defend my loved ones.
A bit childish like the whole- I can bag my family out but no one else can!

haha oh dear, it's a messy life journey I find myself on sometimes =o

Anyway, I personally think most everyone I meet has some sort of mental disorder, technological addictions, too much sugar, abandonment issues, power issues, ADD, OCD, greed, glutony, self loathing, narcissism, neurosis and psychosis, all the unpleasant little idiosyncrasies that are part of the 'human condition'...

Of course, one you recognise that being labelled 'normal' doesn't mean you're better than someone struggling with some of the above issues you become far more accommodating and the strength to continue seems to cost less so to speak.
With the whining thing,I wasn't trying to sound better than everyone else here, I love hearing the stories and reading the advice they get as we all cope with our relationship issues. Just a couple of other posters were sort of saying very nicely they didn't know how I could do it or what have you and I just wanted to reiterate that yes indeed these things take hard work and dedication and more so you should expect and you deserve a man who will make changes and tackle his demons. And speaking only for myself now (rather then putting anyone down again by accident) I am prepared to do the hard yards...

Why defend him when you came here to vent about his neglectful behavior.

Hiding the post is like hiding the bad stuff and I noticed how quickly you fell back into fairy la la land which typically happens with women who date men with mental problems.

You come here to vent about your boyfriend not supporting you and the crappy car issue only to turn that story completely around.

Are you Borderline or something? I can see a borderline personality sticking it out. I have to wonder what's wrong with you if you have no mental impairments/personality disorders going on.

Not everyone has mental disorders.

There are normal people in the world, using greed and gluttony etc as an excuse to justify your decision to be with a guy that has a mental problem can't be justified. You are willingly participating in your own pain and then yelling ouch when you can't take it anymore.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and looking for a different result.

Woah, not sure where all that negativity came from... I had a lovely vent though, yes and thank you for your thoughts Tiki
They're always wise words =)

I'm not aware that I hid a post either- are you referring to me?