In love with unavailable cap

For the first time in my life, I'm in love and just my luck it has to be a cap. I'm in my early 30s and he is in his mid 20s. We met at work and I'm his senior. Initially, I couldn't stand everything about him, which is rare for me as I'm usually the first to speak to a newcomer and make him/her feel welcome. I thought he didn't notice my animosity but apparently, a cap is a highly intelligent and sensitive being. My attitude towards him gradually changed when we started working on a project together. I just found myself being drawn to this guy so quickly, which is something that has never happened to me before. After work, the two of us would have dinner together and we always end up talking for hours. Being a quiet and reserved person, I've never talked this much with anyone, especially a guy. Although it has never happened to me before, I realised i was falling in love with him 2 months into the friendship. I've always admired people who are hardworking and have a great sense of humour, this guy is both. The feeling was very intense but I was afraid to let him know as up till then, he had not shown any special interest towards me. Moreover, I am older and neither slim nor very pretty. It took a lot of courage but I thought I would let him know how I feel and if it turns him off, at least I would get an answer. One night after dinner and we went our separate ways, I texted him to let him know that I like him because he makes me laugh. I was expecting him to react negatively but to my surprise, he replied that he thinks I am adorable and funny. From that day onwards, we began flirting with each other, sometimes by text, messenger or email. No one in the office knows as we kept it discreet. I thought the feeling was mutual until 2 months later, I realised he actually has a girlfriend. He claimed he told me before but I'm very certain he didn't because if i knew he is attached, I would never have proclaimed my affections. It has been almost 6 months into this "relationship" but he has never expressed his feelings for me. I know he shares a close relationship with his girlfriend because he allows her to use his money and he also openly declares his love for her. But I also know that he is inactively on the lookout for someone better. Apart from the fact that I love him, we are very good friends who understand each other well.

He has hurt me on many occasions because he is too direct. But I know that's because he is very comfortable with me and see no need to hide his emotions. Whereas with others, he is very careful not to reveal his true feelings as he knows they will not understand his moody nature and the need for his own space. He is unpretentious with me and has told me many secrets and I have also told him my darkest secrets. He also likes to act goofy around me (when he's in a good mood) and burbs and sometimes farts intentionally. As he is very image conscious, he will never do that around other people except his family and girlfriend. I'm confused whether he likes me romantically or otherwise. He sometimes says I'm like his mum and other times I'm like his sister. I too, like him as a friend, colleague, brother and of course lover. At times, I do feel a little motherly towards him and I'm not sure if this is a turnoff for caps. Before, I did not take note of his looks as I'm not one who goes for appearances but I later realised he is very popular with the ladies. Most of his female friends are beautiful, vivacious, outgoing and sexy. I'm anything but those. Being Taurean, food is my passion and although I wish I'm slim and pretty, I can never resist good food and he seems to be amused by me because of this. In fact, the common passion for food is something that has brought us closer together. During one of our chats, I mentioned that guys always go for slim and beautiful girls. He replied that he's not like that and he would prefer someone who is funny, friendly and warm hearted. These are some of the qualities that he constantly tells me I possess. I'm not sure if that was a hint but like I said, he is very careful about revealing his feelings towards me. Being a sensitive and caring guy, I believe he would not initiate a break up with his girlfriend. I wouldn't want them to break up because of me either. But I'm wondering should I hang in there when I don't even know for sure if he really likes me or if he just thinks of me as a platonic friend. Another thing is he always addresses his female friends as baby, darling or honey. But he doesn't use any of these adjectives on me. I'm so confused and helpless!

This guy sounds a lot like me minus the burps and farts.

Judging by the things he says.......

Him and I might be the same in that we just like seeing women confident and happy and we may occasionally (well..often) give compliments and uplift you. We also know that making you laugh does lots of things too. Sometimes we see it as a mutual exchange (I enrich you. Other hand-you give me testing ground to see if I still got it) Lots of times I may simply show you how a woman is supposed to be treated, flirted with, complimented etc. because I want you to know what to look for next time you have a crush on someone bc I care that much. (We can definitely tell when you like us) like you said the noticing of animosity. We "notice" lots of little things.🙂

A lot of times we can do things that come off as attraction when its just really because we think that you are a good person, and so we decide(in our minds) that you deserve everything the world has to offer and more and it would really make us happy to see you get it, so we encourage, compliment, support, lead, divulge etc. No one but caps know truly how much we care about all of you. Its how I feel anyway. (If you want me to prove it I can tell you exactly what makes me care for all of you so much, why I feel like I do, and what I have seen that makes me realize we are all in this together)


DISCLAIMER: (I am only giving my personal opinion) take it as you may


I dont use pet adjectives unless I secretly want you. Now, every one of my female colleagues calls me darlin, sweetie, honey and such and I still dont know how to take this. I cant figure out for the life of me bc they DONT have to call me these things. Women need to understand that when you call men these little names its akin to how our mothers used to talk to us. And this equates to extreme LOVE for us (to me). So if you start getting super strong reactions from men after youre calling them hun and all this other stuff, please realize you asked for it because you just indicated to me you might possibly love me like mama. And Jesus' love is the only thing greater than that.

So you know now that you have what it takes to do all of the things that matters, and is important, with someone of the opposite gender. Youre back in the ballgame after having yourself re-kindled and boosted by interacting with this Cap for quite a while. (I dont mean this in a braggart way)

So now that you know you got IT, go and use IT. Leave unavailable man alone. Go out and make the efforts to interact with others in the same enriching way that you have with him. You see that you can do it, dont chalk it up as youre lucky. Learn, remember, practice, execute. Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. My dad had a million of them🙂 Even though you may not be like those other vivacious girls so you say, figure out what it is that you do well and expound upon that. Present your gift to others. Hint hint: I would tell my daughter (if I had one) the same thing.

Capricorn bluntness: go to the gym or work out at home, get a workout off the internet and stay disciplined. Noticing the lbs coming off will make you want to watch what youre eating even more, for fear of backtracking after all that hard work. Jump rope, P90X, anything just bust your ass and dont be afraid to sweat and shake and occasionally fall. I love personal projects and Im never the more stoked. I like working on ME first then going out onto the playground. Discipline and hard work is in the good BOOK. Just get it done.

Dont take this the wrong way but...he can probably get along with anybody, even men, just like he does with you. He just waits to see who wants to instead of seeking it, because he knows what hes got. Hes got intelligence and feeling. Dont get hung up on that. There are lots of us out here🙂

Be wary of the people person conversationalist. Learn from them without getting too close, because you must realize that, hes already got you. And hes on autopilot.

Nutshell: No more advances. He's unavailable. You wont trust him if he does this anyway.

Lets get busy in some self-improvement. Be the desired, not the one who desires.
Discipline Discipline, Discipline
Pay more attention to your social dynamics, start making it happen instead of waiting for it to happen. Its rough at first but easier as it goes when youve got the proper tools.

Hey Supercap, thanks a lot! I am sorry my message is so long but I'm very grateful that you took the time to read everything and gave such sincere advice to a complete stranger.

Your answer means a lot to me and is the perfect wake up call. Even though I love him very much, I know I've gotta give him up. You do remind me of him, your first sentence got me laughing already and the rest made me cry. This happens alot with me and him. we always make each other laugh and I've shed buckets because of him too. Many times I try to make myself hate him so that I wouldn't love him. But after a fight, we always make up the next day because I just can't bear to see him upset and know that I am the cause of it. Maybe he'll never love me the same way but I know he does care for me. He has told me before that he respects me very much and he often asks me for advice on work, family and human relationships.

He used to have casual flings and one night stands but he has never taken liberties with me although he is always eyeing my boobs and he has made quite a few comments of admiration about them. I respect him for this as there are many guys who will take advantage of the situation.

Your advice is what I have told myself and I will now try to focus on being a better person and love myself more and be a good friend who will always be there for him.

In appreciation for your help, I would like to offer you some advice too. Since you are so much like my cap, you probably are often hard on yourself. My advice is don't sweat the small stuff, you really are better than you think. And if a Taurus girl tells you she loves you, she really does because we don't give our love easily either 🙂

Looks are not a huge factor, unless he's completely shallow it doesn't make a huge impact on men as most women believe, it helps to be beauitufl physically but it's not the most important thing in forming real relationships.

I honestly don't feel he's that into you romantically, anytime a man says he you like his mum and other times your like his sister, that's the equivalent of let's just be friends. I know from my research cap men love money, status, older women, you seem to have all three of these going on so that most likely is the attraction as well as you sound like you don't have a life outside of work and him so he feels safe exposing all his quirks and bad habits, if he was pursuing you romantically he would never fart on purpose, they care about image and how they are perceived, not all capricorn males but the ones I know are this way.

I would caution you calling this love, maybe you just haven't been this close to anyone in a really long time, maybe it's his youth that attracts you, I find younger men have this fun flirty boyish quality that women love, it's addictive and attractive. Also I find that when a man hangs around a woman and he's not actively pursuing her she begins to pick up the slack and chase the man, pursue him to fill in the gaps and then fall in lust from chasing, call it love and she's the one pining and longing for the unavailable man and the more she pines and longs for him the more she feels she's in love...get out of the loop

Lean back, your job is at risk. I want to tell you to run, it won't change but it's your life, your journey. Attempting to get into a cap's steely exterior is beyond hard, damn near impossible. If he's unavailable which it seems he is then your going to have a hell of time with this guy.

If your job is very important to you then you would not go down this path, picture hell. that's exactly were your going emotionally and on top of that you will see him every day. If you can get out, then do it, if you can't then good luck.

Tiki33, thanks for your advice which I was looking forward to as I've read many of your previous posts. You have shed alot of light on the cap and I like that you always tell it as it is, whether it's good or bad. You and Supercap have enlightened me and affirmed my suspicions that he doesn't feel the same way.

On my part, I know for sure that it's love because I have never felt this way about anyone before. I admire and accept him for who he is, all his perfections and imperfections. I have never wanted a boyfriend because I've always thought it better to be single as I value my freedom and independence. In fact, I used to think I was incapable of loving anyone.

I had never craved for men's attention either and I'm conservatively dressed as I do not want to be seen as an object of desire. I have never kissed a guy and I have no sexual experience because I could never get intimate with someone I'm not in love with. I have been pursued by guys and there are also others interested in me and I've even had a marriage proposal a couple of years back but there's none I like. I guess I have a problem with intimacy.

But with him, he makes me feel like wanting to get married and have his children even though these are the last things I could ever imagine doing. Of course, I didn't tell him as I think any guy would get freaked out by this. This is how strongly I feel towards him.

I know that love cannot be forced and after hearing both your sound advice, I think I know what I should do.

Once again, thank you very much guys.

Thank you very much🙂 I will take this advice and hold it always very close in the back of my mind when failure arises🙂

Just remember the world responds to you and not vice versa. This is the thinking that makes success happen for those(especially Anthony Robbins, Joel Osteen, artists of various sorts, etc) who are excited about change and controlling their path.....with the help and good graces of the lord of course.( My belief not imposing religion on anybody) All it is is believing in yourself. And I believe in you.

It would be an ideal world when everyone takes the position of being able to read minds and hearts with their eyes closed. Waiting for this to happen, when youve got such a short life span, not enough time in the day, and bills to pay will not make you a happy camper when youre 45-50. Peacocks spread their tail-feathers for a reason. Male lions with the best manes are king. Frogs sing a beautiful nighttime song while puffing their throats as big as possible. Male Robins are brightly crested. Female black widows have a red hour glass. Heed natures calling examples (just like a Bhuddist Monk and watch things open up🙂 Remember that we were not born in perfect paradise, but to serve and work hard while adhering to the rules of our confinement so that we have a true understanding of what life is all about, in order to ascend. There are lots of parables and proverbs in the book which use nature as an allusion in order for us to recognize the graceful, sometimes harsh, patterns of living🙂

Never lose yourself or conform to irrationality....but when in Rome act accordingly or forever be alone. You cant change the nature of people until you become a leader. Look at Mo'nique!! I love her. I also adore Jill Scott and would marry her, but if Jill never sang her heart I wouldnt pick her ever.

Either DO NOT accept natural attractions the way they were set up to be for procreation and unity, OR Ride these rules/waves of attraction and be able to hand-pick your most worthy suitor. Those stuck in change, unable to adapt, and be creative with their most precious gift...their lives, will suffer just as those that came before them. My father always said its simply unacceptable to continue to do the same thing and expect different results. Seems like a cardinal fact to me🙂 It has always been taught to work on mind, body, and soul. These are the dimensions we currently have access to. Now GO and do it to'em!! Tiger!

IMO he poses no threat to you, he's aloof, distant, he's towing the line by never crossing the line, so the more he sits there giving of himself and going under the radar you fall passionately in love, he seems like he understands the art of seduction, yes it's a good technique many and when I say many, I mean many men and women are learning and applying to relationships. Trust me your not in love, you are being seduced LOL, it's okay though, it's not a bad thing, you get to let go and feel something you were unable to feel through out your life, he made it safe for you to feel love, I think he's a great person for giving you that gift but again I caution you and encourage you to explore how seduction seduces the mind into believing it's love. I just see you falling with nothing to catch you and you will deeply disappointed, you do not want your first love experience to be a horrible hurtful one, so back up, go google the art of seduction, buy the book if you have to and be mindful about calling this love.

I know how you feel, I have experienced what your experiencing back in the day, I was being seduced unbeknownst to me, I loved it but I got hurt but then I dunno we became good friends and still are. People now days are keenly aware of others resistance to love and relationships, so many people are guarded with themselves it's hard to penetrate anothers high walls they put up so some understand that it's better to walk the line, don't choose and let the other person choose him/her, it's a pick up artist technique men use as well, they go under the radar, they never qualify themselves, they just show up be the great friend, make you feel understood and accepted, but make sure to NEVER reveal emotional displays that make a woman THINK because once a woman begins to think about a man saying I love you, I want you, need you THE DYNAMICS OF THE RELATIONSHIP SHIFT, it's no longer easy and effortless, so for the most part men like him never show loving type emotions because of this shift, he let's her shift it and they do this until the woman begins to question how she feels about him and then she begins to ADD her feelings onto his behavior, she's in love and he's not...I know it's hard for you not to believe it's love but IMO given the patterns you have shared with us, he's manipulating you into feeling love because if it was love you wouldn't be the ONLY ONE feeling it.

When one person feels something for another person but that ONE person is unavailable it means that someone is doing something to the person falling in love to create a feeling of love. It's intoxicating and many women get hurt over it because to her it's real, to him its just another woman being seduced....

Now I'm not accusing him of this technique, but it feels quite familiar and similiar to what I have experienced and other women have experienced that I help, maybe it's not what he's doing, but it sure seems like it to me.

Yeah Tiki youre right!!! Ive noticed that dynamic you mentioned and it has totally thrown me for a loop these days. People are extremely extremely guarded these days. Im used to one thing and now the whole script has been flipped! Where Im at women no longer want love, relationship, oneness yada yada. They just want one night stands!!!! Im totally blasted by this from being so used to the other way around. Now its like "put stars in her eyes". I think its the damn music out nowadays. Ive turned down exactly 6 different obvious come ons because all the girls are now acting like Plies, Beyonce, Kanye, Weezy and all the other hustlas. Im telling you.....that damn music is hypnotizing!! I cant get with it because there is too much disease running around, but if some things were cured Id definitely be a ...ahem...whore.

Are you experiencing anything like this with your girlfriends? BTW I think Sex and the City got us too.

And those other dynamics.......

Its nice to see what yall think. Because we look at it a different way. Alot of my guy friends have gone through this right here.


They say we dont show our feelings and when we do, it turns into turn-0ff. Turns into needy, turns into not being a real man. Like we have to be specific in our shows of affection. But we dont req

They say they love us for who we are and this and that. But when someone comes along who is just like us, but has nicer car, goes to the lake more, is taller, wears more name brand etc, etc, women start to give little hints of non-interest, all very recognizable being the emotional-display creatures that they are. It has been said that women often go after the most powerful male. The alphas. I guess they cant really ignore something thats obvious....sort of like the allure of diamonds🙂

Yes Supercap we all are experiencing this non-sense going on out here to some degree. I'm not into any of it, don't listen to Beyonce or all the other crappy music that is out here, I listened to Anita Baker, Lalah Hathaway, Rolling Stones back in the day type music...wait I did like American Idol Pant's on the ground, look'n like a foo wit yo pants on da ground LMAO!! But yes for the most part people are super guarded and I can't blame them be it man or woman, so many people are using pick up techniques which isn't all that bad given the intentions of the person but who really knows what a persons intentions are these days, it's all pretty confusing but something pulls me in and I want to know more about it and explore it from a distance but nope I'm not into the whole sleeping around all the single ladies put ya hands up liberated crap and I don't blame you for turning down women, who knows what that heffa got. It's out of control out here but fortunataly there are genuine women that want genuine love in the world, they are out there Supercap.

I hear females speak of a male not having any ambition.

Females want the doctor, the lawyer, the musician, the politician, the star, the principal, the etc.

Now this is all dandy with me. Really. But How can a female judge a male on his ambition when hers is not the equivalent?

I see lots of housewives, teachers, maids, waitresses, secretaries, stewardesses, Pa's, paralegals, and other sorts on not the very high end of the salary spectrum? Not all, but some women play an ambition game in ordered to set themselves up sweet. But there are women "bread-winners" and I think it important to mention that🙂

Discrimination in the workplace is a factor but not as much as one might think, really only in terms of salary which I think is NOT RIGHT. Yall should get paid just as much or more especially if youre doing a good job!

Now tell me this, why is it that a man will accept a woman in maybe a substantially lower income bracket, but most women will not do the same?

It really does put an unbelievable amount of pressure on us to succeed and drive ourselves crazy to be the best for fear of being left. But after we become the best it is dreadfully lonely at the top.

All Im asking for my beautiful sistas is for a little understanding and match in ambition without the games and finger pointing.

Perfect example...Jay Z and Beyonce. Now THATS a unity. Ambition is matched. Theyre having fun and making power plays. Staying power players. Holding hands in understanding that we are equal.

Women go after Alpha males oh gosh they are intoxicating, seductive but those same women don't know the first thing about that kind of male energy, Alpha males are dominant, hard, obsessive, pushy, demanding, mean, harsh, this is how they get what they want, they demand it, they push and chase and work hard for it but that doesn't mean he will be a great boyfriend/husband, it doesn't mean he can DO a real relationship even if he is the one pursuing but then he has that "IT" factor that so many women love and we fail to see his unavailability, hell some don't care. Most of these alpha males are not interested in longterm exclusive commitments with an average type woman or any one woman no matter how hot she is, he's rocking everyone's boat and makes no apologies for it. I don't think women know what it means to be with an Alpha male. Alpha males should come with a buyer beware warning sign, play at your own risk.

Well IMO this whole equal in relationships is NEW, it's not something that has been the most important dynamic in male and female relationships through out history, the whole Jay Z and Beyonce social dynamic is beautiful but not realistic, it's not something that most couples get to experience given that this is a new era were women can out fortune a man financially, there was a time this was not possible and if it was possible it was not the norm.

They are not perfect, even Beyonce says they power struggle with one another and although she fights thave her way she doesn't want her way all the time and if she did get it she wouldn't be that attracted to Jay, it's not equally balanced, financially it is but emotionally someone is yielding and giving in more than the other. Any relationship takes work no matter who the bread winner is. I think if a man makes less money but clearly can add happiness to a woman's life and be devoted to her, I don't see why a woman wouldn't want that depending on emotional maturity in the woman it's possible to be with a man that makes less money.

I am satisfied with your answer for the time being GREAT TIKI GO😱) Know that I like conversing with you so I will have something for you later on....count on it🙂


So where have you been? And what does that dadgum sucker ring mean. I cant figure it out!!!🙂

Is it that you are sweet and beautiful? Or do you just like candy? I like candy too. Chocolate more.

I enjoy your thoughts as well, I have a Capricorn Venus so maybe that's why I keep gravitating on the Cap board

I been around, I have periods were I don't want to post and then I post like crazy and then I go quiet again.

HAHA oh the infamous sucker ring, that ring makes me feel so happy inside. I love candy and I love chocolate SuperCap especially chocolate on chocolate skin yum hehe

Caramel? Butterscotch? Mocha?


Im like that too. I hop on here and end up going crazy for a little while and then Im out. Like Nanny McPhee.

Caramel? Butterscotch? Mocha? All shades of brown are beautiful to me.

LOL@Nanny McPhee...I loved that movie, she turned so pretty in the end

Well send me a message or facebook me sometime. As a matter, send me your facebook and Ill add you.

Shucks, I don't do FB nor Myspace anymore Supercap, deleted them all 2010

Its aaalright. I know where to find ya🙂

yes you do (:

Capricorn men are mature for their age and they do have a tendency to date older woman. After they get older they like younger woman I was told. Capricorns men are very career driven and they are drawn to women who are the same way. If you??re able to assist them in any way or fashion to reach their goal of success they will hang around whether they are really attractive to you or not. They are intelligent people and they like smart woman. They are confident individuals but seem to show insecurity sometimes. They are attractive to pretty woman who have nice figures. They will cheat on their main girlfriend because they have a weak spot for pretty woman who show interest in them, however they will not let any woman come between them. That's the loyalty they have for their mate. They like to keep a good looking woman around to have sex but the woman they have serious relationship with are just average. They don't like to be hurt so they rarely show emotions, especially to woman they think are very attracted and can have another man easily. They are very cautious and you need a lot of patience with them. They are excellent in bed and they will do whatever it takes to please you. That's the most affection you will see until you break down their shield of armor that is protecting them.

They are direct very direct when they think that can get away with that. They like to see just how much you will put if with. After they feel they can say anything they will.Do not spend no money on that man.If you would like to just have fun with him fine.