My passive agressive CAP

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by GemJenn on Saturday, June 15, 2013 and has 29 replies.
OK, I have been dating my Cap for 10 months and we have a good relationship. I haven't gotten a I love you yet but he shows he cares, tells me how much he cares and I am involved in his kids lives, his family and he's also with mine. I have a friend that he does not care for. She is very sexual, a little reckless and someone who has most of the qualities he despises, he has met her, which only made it worse....
Thursday night I was talking to him and mentioned that I may go swimming with her and another one of out friends because I get off a half day on Friday. Let me throw in one more thing, she invited me to Miami for a girls trip, I can recognize that would not be a good situation to put myself in even though I am very faithful her actions while on vacation could put me in a bad situation. Ok so I mention I am going to a public pool swimming with her. His whole attitude changed although he didn't say anything about it on the phone I could tell something was wrong: He proceeds to send me this really long text about how I need to start recognizing bad situations and she's gonna get you in trouble, don't call me with any BS that happens because he told me so basically. Then after my Gem self bucks up and says you just need to have faith in ME, never once given you reason not to and basically don't tell me what I can and cannot do. That pissed him off even more, he saying he doesn't care, go to Miami if I want, etc... Basically flipping his shit. I went off told him he had no right speaking to me like that, that it wasn't worth this BS and I wasn't going. I went to work the next day and didn't hear from him (I didn't say a word to him) until about 7 that night with a TEXT again, apologizing saying he DOES care, he didn't mean that and that he wishes I wouldn't always try to see the good in people so hard I miss the bad
I told him I did not like the fact that when he gets really upset he says things like I DON'T CARE, WHATEVER, IF THIS IS THE WAY IT IS, etc...Like it would be no sweat off his brow if he was to lose me, and all this emotionally response from a man that doesn't even love me?? He finally admits this is his defensive mechanism, like I will get you before you get me, etc...
I feel like I am reminding him a lot that I am NOT his ex-wife, I have no plans on hurting him. I love this man and was very confused by his reaction. We don't fight very often at all. He seems to have mad emotion for someone that seems scared of the ne
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sorry cut off....
For someone who seems scared of taking this relationship to the next level by saying I LOVE YOU, we have been in a exclusive committed relationship the whole time
Thoughts? Are you as a Cap passive then aggressive because you feel threatened? Is that what is going on here?
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Posted by xxoommmxxoo
10 months and no i love you? Sad


Yes, states he has put up so many walls around his heart because of his previous marriage, but states his is trying....
It worries me too....
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Posted by xxoommmxxoo
Posted by GemJenn
Posted by xxoommmxxoo
10 months and no i love you? Sad


Yes, states he has put up so many walls around his heart because of his previous marriage, but states his is trying....
It worries me too....


I admire your tenacity. And i know actions speak louder than words but i like to hear it too, everyday! I like attention from my man though, Im not gonna lie. 10 months though, thats,quite a while.
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Is that a good or bad thing though lol.....I don't fall easy coming out of a 18 year marriage myself, but I admit I love this boy, everything about him and he's worth waiting on in my eyes, my question is how long does it take before the tenacity turns into WTF are you thinking, if you know what I mean. I just wanted to see if I could get some thoughts on his behavior, but I am with you girl, showing me is good, but those words are really nice to hear to, huh?
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Posted by GemJenn
Posted by xxoommmxxoo
10 months and no i love you? Sad


Yes, states he has put up so many walls around his heart because of his previous marriage, but states his is trying....
It worries me too....
click to expand


Ten months is a good long time. It means a lot.
In my opinion he might be having some type of control-reaction related to previous emotional pain and trying to prevent pain. It's a bit more than not trusting your friend. There is concern about your well-being but the way it's coming out is counter-productive.
It's good that you can see these things about your friend and about him. Yes, women still want to hear I love you smile
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2GEMJEN: I am dating an older Capricorn guy and he, like your Capricorn, is very emotionless and wants things his way. He has never told me that he loves me, but he has asked me to tell him numerous times. I do recognize his concern for my safety and his offering to do things for me. He is very career focused. I want a better career but it has to serve more than just a pay check. Sometimes I feel off balance with him, but it is the carefree twin that wants to do her thing. By the way my Cap and I have been dating for over a year.
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Posted by CapriLady
Posted by GemJenn
Posted by xxoommmxxoo
10 months and no i love you? Sad


Yes, states he has put up so many walls around his heart because of his previous marriage, but states his is trying....
It worries me too....


Ten months is a good long time. It means a lot.
In my opinion he might be having some type of control-reaction related to previous emotional pain and trying to prevent pain. It's a bit more than not trusting your friend. There is concern about your well-being but the way it's coming out is counter-productive.
It's good that you can see these things about your friend and about him. Yes, women still want to hear I love you smile
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Thanks for the thoughts CL, I think you are dead on. I also think that he feels my friend could somehow sway me to do something that would hurt him....And if he admits he loves me then I could hurt him?? Maybe I am all wrong, he is VERY BIG on faithfulness and how intent is cheating not just the act, etc...I am a very faithful person he has nothing to worry about there, nor have I ever given him any reason to think otherwise...This friend though, he is just very uneasy about me having ANY contact with
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Posted by geminitwin
2GEMJEN: I am dating an older Capricorn guy and he, like your Capricorn, is very emotionless and wants things his way. He has never told me that he loves me, but he has asked me to tell him numerous times. I do recognize his concern for my safety and his offering to do things for me. He is very career focused. I want a better career but it has to serve more than just a pay check. Sometimes I feel off balance with him, but it is the carefree twin that wants to do her thing. By the way my Cap and I have been dating for over a year.


Hey GT,
Sounds like my man, tells me to be patient and to trust him. I told him if I didn't trust him I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for him to get to the next level. Its how long it is realistiv to wait for someone before you decide you are letting your life pass you while you are waiting for them to see that they have someone right there in front of them that wouldn't think of hurting them for the world if you know what I am saying....
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I think you're right G...honestly, I hadn't thought of it in that exact same way, but you're right "admitting he loves you means you could hurt him." He's wary if he's been hurt, manipulated, and burned in the past by the ex. Maybe he sees things in your friend that are dangerous.
XO is right too. Caps and Gems can be good together and long lasting.
Yup. Being hurt, manipulated, and burned by an ex is going to take some time to heal.
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I have had so many people tell me WTF, a GEM and a CAP awww hell lol but I think they are grounding to a Gem and we can pull them out of their shell. I think we are so different but still able to learn so much from each other if we can give up that initial control factor that both our signs are notorious for lol
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@xxoommmxxoo: Caps are not slackers in the material department. lol
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Glad things are working for you and your Cap. I find them slow and don't have the patience for that. But then again maybe I'm missing out. Maybe good things DO come to those who wait...
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OMG Gemstar, I SWEAR that is his FAVORITE expression lol "Good things come to those who wait" hopefully I am not saying that as I sit in the nursing home in my diaper putting Fixodent on my teeth smile
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@GEMJENN We can learn from each other, but those Caps don't understand that very well. Everything is not serious. You can laugh Caps, its okay.
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and oh the sex between us......OMG, there is serious sexual chemistry, he is hands down the best I have ever had!
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Posted by geminitwin
@GEMJENN We can learn from each other, but those Caps don't understand that very well. Everything is not serious. You can laugh Caps, its okay.



Very true, you know I see glimpses of him enjoying letting his guard down and being goofy but it is rare and doesn't last long...
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glimpses...ONLY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
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So tempers flared, some words were flung back and forth confirming both of your insecurities in the relationship, and now apologies have been made. It's time to kiss and make up. Caps are known for being set in their ways. That you are not his ex-wife is not lost on him. However, the behaviours he came to rely upon in dealing with her have likely become ingrained. It will take him a while to adapt. 10 months is fortnight for us. Patience, Gem.
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Posted by xxoommmxxoo
Posted by GemJenn
Posted by xxoommmxxoo
10 months and no i love you? Sad


Yes, states he has put up so many walls around his heart because of his previous marriage, but states his is trying....
It worries me too....


I admire your tenacity. And i know actions speak louder than words but i like to hear it too, everyday! I like attention from my man though, Im not gonna lie. 10 months though, thats,quite a while.
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Ten months is really not that long when you're analyzing. It took me ten months or more to decide how I felt about the aqua.
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Posted by CapriLady
Posted by GemJenn
Posted by xxoommmxxoo
10 months and no i love you? Sad


Yes, states he has put up so many walls around his heart because of his previous marriage, but states his is trying....
It worries me too....


Ten months is a good long time. It means a lot.
In my opinion he might be having some type of control-reaction related to previous emotional pain and trying to prevent pain. It's a bit more than not trusting your friend. There is concern about your well-being but the way it's coming out is counter-productive.
It's good that you can see these things about your friend and about him. Yes, women still want to hear I love you smile
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+ 1
Women just need to hear it, but, men feel like "I'm here aren't I?" They wouldn't stick around if they didn't care. But you know I want to hear it to. It's a woman thing.
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Posted by xxoommmxxoo
Posted by geminitwin
2GEMJEN: I am dating an older Capricorn guy and he, like your Capricorn, is very emotionless and wants things his way. He has never told me that he loves me, but he has asked me to tell him numerous times. I do recognize his concern for my safety and his offering to do things for me. He is very career focused. I want a better career but it has to serve more than just a pay check. Sometimes I feel off balance with him, but it is the carefree twin that wants to do her thing. By the way my Cap and I have been dating for over a year.


My cap dad and gem mom have been married 20 years. She aint leavin the money and the bmw's.
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Hmmmm....
I'm better off NOT commenting on that.
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Posted by GemStar05
Glad things are working for you and your Cap. I find them slow and don't have the patience for that. But then again maybe I'm missing out. Maybe good things DO come to those who wait...


My aqua says that all the time "Good things come to those who wait."
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Posted by geminitwin
@GEMJENN We can learn from each other, but those Caps don't understand that very well. Everything is not serious. You can laugh Caps, its okay.


I literally lol'ed at the diaper and Fixodent comment! Tongue
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'Then after my Gem self bucks up and says you just need to have faith in ME, never once given you reason not to and basically don't tell me what I can and cannot do."
This is calling him on his crap. It is a typical cap response and I'm proud of you for turning that around on him.
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" he didn't mean that and that he wishes I wouldn't always try to see the good in people so hard I miss the bad"
this is also typical of a cap, we tend to see the good in people, though we are cynical, we try to see the good. It's our bad experiences doing this that we learn to be more cynical. He's just warning you she isn't a good influence through his own experience with people like her.
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"I DON'T CARE, WHATEVER, IF THIS IS THE WAY IT IS, etc...Like it would be no sweat off his brow if he was to lose me, and all this emotionally response from a man that doesn't even love me?? He finally admits this is his defensive mechanism, like I will get you before you get me, etc..."
Yes, this is a defense mechanism because we know you're going to do what you're going to do anyway. We don't like it, but we admire you for not letting us run all over you. At least he admitted it.
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"Yes, states he has put up so many walls around his heart because of his previous marriage, but states his is trying...."
Yes, I believe he is trying. He has admitted this. He's being flat out honest. Be more patient.
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For what it's worth. I think you should go on the trip with your friend. At this point he either trusts you or he doesn't. Call his bluff and don't let him control you.
That said, keep in touch. I mean heavy touch so he knows you are thinking about him the whole trip. Keep him informed of what you're doing and what your observations are on everything.
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Posted by GemJenn
OMG Gemstar, I SWEAR that is his FAVORITE expression lol "Good things come to those who wait" hopefully I am not saying that as I sit in the nursing home in my diaper putting Fixodent on my teeth smile



LOL! No, I don't think a Gem would allow that to happen! Winking
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Posted by GemJenn
and oh the sex between us......OMG, there is serious sexual chemistry, he is hands down the best I have ever had!


Outstanding! I'm a little jealous! LOL, but in a good way. Happy for you! :-)
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Good things come to those who wait but sometimes you have to help fate along a bit!!
Hugs - I agree go on the trip with girls have fun, keep in touch let him know that ur ok.
He should trust that u won't do anything to hurt him.
Words have been said now get to the making up part!! It's the best bit n caps r dreamy
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Posted by truecap
For what it's worth. I think you should go on the trip with your friend. At this point he either trusts you or he doesn't. Call his bluff and don't let him control you.
That said, keep in touch. I mean heavy touch so he knows you are thinking about him the whole trip. Keep him informed of what you're doing and what your observations are on everything.


+1
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